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by Gina Abuyuan Llanes
The witty TV host on social climbers, his ideal political candidate, and the Books of Solomon
I was going to ask you about your typical day, but you've already showed me your calendar.
A typical day is 14 hours for me, Saturdays and Sundays included. But I make it a point to have Saturday lunch or Sunday dinner with my family. It's a must. I want to see my children. I want to see their wives. When I say wives, that doesn't mean my sons have many wives. I mean daughters-in-law. I have no daughters.
Have you ever thought of adopting one?
I am willing to adopt one, but my wife objects because the one I wanted was 19 years old and well-built. I told her, "Look darling, I'm doing this for you, I'm not doing this for me! She's so lovely, so good. You don't have to wake up every two hours to breastfeed. You don't have to change her diapers. On top of that, she wants to sleep beside dad!" My wife got mad.
You find politics funny. Aren't you afraid of angering politicians with your verbal jabs?
No. Democracy entitles you to say what you mean. I find a lot of people in government very funny. One of my little hobbies before was collecting clippings of political statements. Miriam's (Defensor-Santiago), Manuel Morato's. It's a wonderful thing to collect what people have said before, and what they say after. They contradict themselves. But it's also very sad because it shows lack of conviction, lack of values.
You're famous for your green jokes...
Excuse me, but my jokes have always been clean. It's the minds of my audience that are green. Sex is a universal theme. Properly handled, it can be very funny. Like I find it very funny if related to certain projections of people in government. When people were saying that we were a democracy, it was at the height of censorship. So it's like a woman telling me she's a virgin when she's actually three months pregnant.
If you were President, would things be a little different?
I'd insist that every government official should live the way his constituents live. If he drives around in a Ford, I'd decree that all his constituents drive in one as well. And the other one I'd insist on is a higher standard of education. Because that way, the people will not be easily fooled. The level of education here worries me. We're now behind Bangladesh. It's frightening.
What do you find immoral?
We have taxes that in my opinion are highly illegal and immoral, and certainly smacks of martial law. Travel tax for one. What is travel? Freedom of movement. So you're taxing a freedom. There are other things that irk me. When you register your car, don't you pay for the use of the road? But there are days when you can't even use your car! Did we get a rebate?
You seem to have a beef against politicians. Why?
You know how fairy tales start these days? "Mga kaibigan, ako'y naglakas-loob humarap sa inyo upang maglingkod sa bayan." That's bullshit! You're running for election because you like the perks.
Who would you vote for then?
A politician who'll look at me in the eye and say, "I'm running for office because I want the chicks, I want the perks, I want the Pajeros." I'll vote for him 10 times and I'll campaign for him because he's an honest man.
What's your idea of a disastrous time with a woman?
When I start undressing and she looks at me and starts to laugh.
Where did you get your gift for punchlines?
If it's there, you polish it. Then it becomes a conditioned reflex. Because people are funny, you just have to look at the parts that are funny. Of course, I read a lot.
What books do you read?
If it has writing, I read it. The Bible is an interesting read. I don't recommend it to young people, by the way, what with all the sex and violence in it. The sections I like in the Bible though are the Books of Solomon: "Lift up thy breasts unto the heavens and let them be sucked." Ay-ay-ay!
You're always suave around women. What do you like most about them?
The fact that they are women, complex creatures who may be inconsistent most of the time. But they are the spice, the light, to any man's life. I cannot picture earth without women. I cannot picture a man's life without a woman. They're companions, friends, mistresses, nurses, mothers. They really make the world go round.
Have you always been the life of a party?
Believe it or not, I tend to be a loner in many parties. It's a complex thing. When you're a public figure, people tend to have expectations of you. Like if you're a singer, they feel like any moment they can ask you to sing. They forget about the preparation, the rehearsal.
What do you think of social climbers?
I have great compassion for them because they're like a Tamaraw FX trying to look like a Mercedes. There's nothing wrong with being a secretary. If I were one, I want to be the best. But I don't want to be a secretary who'll get married in Forbes and have a reception at the Polo Club and be broke for 10 years.
You've hosted beauty pageants in the past. Any fond memories?
Sometimes it's annoying asking candidates the same questions over and over again. You feel like screaming the second the 25th candidate comes along. So one time I asked, "How far will you go to win this contest?" A candidate from the province answered, "Sir, all the way to New York if I have to." It was unique. At least, napagaan niya ang loob ko. But it's not easy interviewing these 18-year-olds. I pity them. They're meat on display, hoping for a chance to succeed in life.
Here's a Miss Universe-type of question. If you have the power to change this nation, what would you do?
I would give windows of opportunity to every Filipino. I don't want to give gifts, but opportunities. I want them to say, "I did it, I succeeded. I don't want it given, I want it earned."
Who's the perfect 10 for you?
Looking for perfection is a waste of time. We are defective by nature. As a man, I look now at a woman with a different eye. I don't care how beautiful a woman is. That so-called body beautiful disappears. Respect, character, and a sense of values are lasting. What's the best way to love a woman? My philosophy is not to give and take, it's to give and give. Your wife must feel truly blessed. I don't know about that, but I am happy. I think one of the greatest joys in life is seeing the person you love happy. Nothing comes close to that.
Reprinted as authorized by FHM March 2001