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by Fernandino Hizon
The road to a relationship's next level is littered with necessary arguments, usually featuring remarks such as, "What a b***h! It must be that time of the month!" (his words), or "He's being such an a**hole today! I'm going shopping!" (her words). We're all guilty of it, but it doesn't get any more juvenile than this.
Let's dig a little deeper and consider this example: Your man plays basketball every Thursday with his friends. After all, it's only around his friends that he can release all his testosterone without being questioned (or having to worry that you will take offense). Naturally, you'd like to be with him on Thursdays too.
One night, he gets home after playing basketball and you're not in a good mood. Question: Are you in a bad mood because he's tired and would rather snuggle up with the remote control than indulge you in some conversation?
If you say: "I'm pissed-you're always playing basketball." This comment would make any guy flare up, grab his keys, and spend even more time with the guys. Why? It blames the act on him and that leads a man to think that you're trying to gain too much ground on his space.
If you take the honesty route, saying, "Honey, I miss you and I'd really like to spend more time with you. Think you can spare basketball night for me?" you just might get your desired reaction. This time, you're not blaming him for your foul mood, but informing him that although you accept his hang time with the guys, you also miss him. A comment like this would make any man melt. It commands his respect and attention, and I can almost guarantee he'll be more than willing to ditch next Thursday's game to be with you.
Let's try an example from another point of view and consider a man's playful nature. It happens quite often that when a guy is in a foul mood, he tries to block it by being playful. Men sometimes release their frustrations by teasing their girlfriends instead of confronting the real issue. But sometimes women can't take the unnecessary sarcasm and get all worked up. Unfortunately, some men perceive this as bratty behavior on your part. He blows up, thinking you can't handle a petty joke even though you've repeatedly warned him that he's being annoying.
This time it's his fault. He should have been wiser to accept the foul mood he was in, addressed it by talking it over with his partner, and appreciated someone being there to support him. Instead, like most men, he chose to ignore the issue, and was insensitive to the impact it would have on his girlfriend. See, the truth is, sometimes men forget that women are not punching bags to take their frustrations out on. This is something that men need to come to terms with and grow out of. Women don't deserve that-and you need to remind us. It's simple adjustments like these that would elevate the relationship to the next level.
After all, a relationship that's moving sideways is harder to deal with than one that is falling apart. Of course it takes two people to succeed, but if both of you aim for higher ground, if you both aim to understand, then it's easier to make adjustments. Ultimately, growing up has more to do with acceptance and communication-not dishing out the sarcasm or skipping out on a basketball game.
Reprinted as authorized by Cosmopolitan December 2000