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> Monday September 8th 2008 < "This isn't your grandmother's vodka...."

Television set shows the TV sitcom "Happy Days"

In the Cunningham kitchen. father Howard, mother Marion, son Richard & friend Potsie.

Mr. Cunningham: "ooof... Oh man..." **grunts uncomfortably** "Ugh..."

Potsie: **leaving** (cheerfully) "Well I hope you feel better, Mr. C!"

Mr. Cunningham genuinely: "Thanks, Potsie." **moans**

Joanie enters kitchen: "What's wrong with Daddy?"

Marion: "Nothing, dear, Daddy just has a little indigestion. He had a Milwaukee lunch today."

Joanie leaving: "Okay, then! I'm gonna go stare at the washing machine!"

Mr. Cunningham really irritated: "You know, Marion, I never liked that kid!!!"

Marion: "I know, dear."

Mr. Cunningham: **moans** "Ugh... why did I eat all those sausages...."

concerned Richard: "Are you okay, dad?"

Mr. Cunningham: "Why did I eat all those sausages? The special was 'Buy 15 sausages, get 15 sausages free'. Why did I eat all those sausages... but I couldn't NOT eat them!"

Richard: "Dad..."

Mr. Cunningham: **grabs Richard's V-neck sweater by the shoulders and starts ripping it off him** "THIS IS ABSOLUTE MADNESS, RICHARD!!!! THERE WERE SO MANY SAUSAGES IT WAS LIKE THEY WERE COMING AT ME IN ALL DIRECTIONS!!!"

Richard shouting: "DAD I'M SCARED!!!"

Mr. Cunningham continues tearing Richard's sweater to shreds: "THERE WERE SO MANY SAUSAGES!!! I HAD TO EAT THEM, THEY'RE SAUSAGES!!! WHY DID THEY OFFER SO MANY SAUSAGES??! DON'T THEY KNOW I'M HUMAN?!! LISTEN TO ME, RICHARD!!!!!"

Richard crying: "ohgod ohgod ohgod ohgod...."

**cue to the outside of the Cunningham house** **closing theme to "Happy Days" plays** "Sunday, Monday, happy days..."

Mr. Cunningham shouting from the distance: "UGGGGGGH!!! MOOOOOOANNN!!"

**theme continues** "Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days..."

Mr. Cunningham shouting from the distance: **COUGH COUGH COUGH GAG HACK COUGH COUGH**

**theme continues** "Thursday, Friday, happy days..."

Mr. Cunningham shouting from the distance: "OH MY GOD FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, IT'S COMING OUT OF MY PORES!!"

**theme continues** "The weekend comes, my cycle hums, ready to race to youuuuuuuu!"

Mr. Cunningham shouting from the distance: "MAKE IT END!!! MAKE IT END!!! SOMEBODY MAKE IT END!!"

**theme continues** "These days are all happy and free! (Those happy days...)

Mr. Cunningham shouting from the distance: "WHERE'S THE TOILET?!?!?! SOMEBODY CALL THE DOCTOR!!!!!!! MOOOOOAAAAAAANNNNN!!!"

**theme concludes** "These days are all happy and free (oh baby) these happy days are your's and mine... these happy days are your's and mine, happy days!"

**television gets turned off**
**hums to self**

"Sunday, Monday, pooping days
Tuesday, Wednesday, pooping days
Thursday, Friday, pooping days
The weekend comes, my cycle hums, ready to shit some pooooo!"

Oh god damn it now I got that song stuck in my head!

Ppd.

> Tuesday September 9th 2008 < "All I do is take 'roids and workout."

Potsie: "Oh masturbating, that's such kids stuff!"

Richard obvious very annoyed and very tense: "Will you shut the HELL up, Potsie?!?!! Everything you say is "kids stuff"... Playing pinball is 'kid stuff', unscrewing the salt jars at Arnold's is 'kids stuff', playing with matches is 'kids stuff', reading dirty magazines is 'kids stuff', watching tv is 'kids stuff', looking out the window is 'kids stuff', kissing is 'kids stuff', playing with yourself is 'kids stuff', well I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!"

Potsie: "Mannnnnnnnnn, complaining is such kids stuff!"

Richard: "ARRRRRRRRGH I can't TAKE IT anymore!! I don't wanna be a man and get laid! It's too hard!! The bitches won't put out!! All they want to do is kiss and be friends!!"

Potsie: "You know I heard Cindy Kloslegski puts out, but I think that's all just a rumor... and rumors are such kids stuff!"

Richard: "God damn it, Potsie, I haven't greased the pole since I was 9! You know what, I'm just gonna grab the Sears catalog, some Crisco and hit the bathroom for a good 20 minutes." **leaves**

Potsie: "Heh, going to the bathroom, that's such kids stuff! Heh heh heh heh heh heh **looks at watch** oh SHIT it's almost time for my supermarket performance gig!" **leaves**

**TV gets turned off**

> Wednesday September 10th 2008 < "Dick Hertz"

August 28, 2008 will go down as a dark day in the Purist's world of baseball. It was the day instant replay was introduced to MLB. There are many cheaper, faster ways to fix these bad calls. So far the history:

Sep 4, - ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. (AP)-Alex Rodriguez made major league history by agreeing with an umpire. The New York Yankees third baseman, a lightning rod for headlines on and off the field throughout his career, saw his ninth inning home run Wednesday night the same way as third base umpire Brian Runge. So did baseball's instant replay system.

Rodriguez's long blast down the left field line was upheld in baseball's first use of video to review boundary calls, and the Yankees beat the AL East leading Tampa Bay Rays 8-4. "I'm the first player. Next time I'm going stealth and go under the radar screen," Rodriguez said. "It's very fitting I�m involved. I was just glad we got the right call." Rodriguez, who went 3-for-4 and drove in four runs, hit a towering two-run shot off Troy Percival that Runge immediately ruled a homer when it bounced off the catwalk behind the foul pole in left field. Rays catcher Dioner Navarro protested, bringing manager Joe Maddon out of the dugout. After convening, the umpires left the field to review the video, a process that took 2 minutes, 15 seconds to back the onfield call.

Sept 10 - HOUSTON (AP)�Hunter Pence's drive off the top of the right-field wall was confirmed as a double after an instant replay review by the umpires in the sixth inning of the Pittsburgh-Houston game on Tuesday night. It was the second time instant replay was used since Aug. 28, when baseball started allowing umpires to use it to determine boundary calls. Both times, the on-the-field call was upheld. Last Wednesday, a home run by Alex Rodriguez was reviewed and upheld in the New York Yankees 8-4 win over Tampa Bay.

Pence hit a 2-2 pitch off Raul Chavez that appeared to hit the gold line on the top of the wall before it bounced back into play. First-base umpire D.J. Reyburn signaled that the ball was in play and Pence stopped at second. Houston manager Cecil Cooper came halfway out of the dugout to ask home plate umpire Bill Welke for a review. The crew convened near the pitcher's mound and Welke and thirdbase umpire and crew chief Tim Welke left the field to look at a replay.

"We decided to do it because it was so close," Tim Welke said. "We wanted to make sure we got it right and the replay confirmed that we got it right." Tim Welke said he watched several replays and the process worked smoothly. "We were able to confirm what we saw on the field," he said. "That's why we left it in play." The umpires quickly reappeared and ruled the hit a double, prompting boos from the crowd. Pence drove in a run on the hit and the Astros led 9-2.

Gee, this is great.. exactly what baseball needs: more delays. 2 minutes and 15 seconds to confirm a call they had already made. And that lousy ballpark in Houston. A simple solution is just build a fucking fence that extends a few feet from the wall, and get rid of the yellow lines - they mean NOTHING!!!

> Friday September 12th 2008 < "We've been working too hard for our money...."

Man, watching the Price is Right, everybody is always cheering, clapping, having a good time, tho once in a while the crowd will lightly boo during the retail bidding if somebody is being a jerk about it. But what if this show didn't take place in sunny California? What if it took place in somewhere like Philadelphia or Brooklyn? There would be so much booing, so much resentment, so much profanity, so much jealousy and so much:

"YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT WALL CLOCK, VINNIE!!!! YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!!" and "I SHOULD HAVE WON THIS!!! THIS SHOW IS RIGGED!!!"

And a couple "Fuck you's" along the way. The crowd would also shout out incorrect dollar amounts to mislead contestants, due to their resentment of not being called on down. Contestants would also be ungrateful, saying,

"I DON'T WANT NO STUPID EXERCISE BICYCLE! SHELIA OVER THERE GOT A FUCKIN' SPEEDBOAT AND I GET A SHITTY EXERCISE BICYCLE?!!!"

Also when it came down to spinning the Wheel, they would take this "I'm going all the way and crash this motherfucker into the wall because I feel I'm that lucky and I'm too stupid to know better or to stop like a drunken gambler!" And even at 95 cents, they'd spin again to try and get that nickel for the dollar. And of course, there'd be fights in the Showcase Showdown,

"I DON'T WANT TO GO TO NO AMSTERDAM!!!! WHAT, YOU UNDERBID ME?? I LOSE??? YOU GOD DAMNED SHITFACED COCKMASTER!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!" **Vinnie kicks over contestant booth and starts punching & kicking Shelia in the face and stomach**

Yes, it would be the most serious game show thing in the world.

> Thursday September 11th 2008 < "I got AIDS using a shopping cart."

Baseball news:

Florida Marlins won their latest court battle, with the judge saying that a new ballpark would serve a "public purpose" & and so is a valid use of tourist tax dollars. Judging by some of the crowds the Marlins have had lately, they might as well save them and everyone else some money by playing at a local high school field, 'cause only 584 fans showed up to a Wednesday Braves / Marlins game, the lowest turnout in a MLB game in 6 years.

Whenever a Cleveland Indians record goes down, it's always a good thing. Funny, nobody ever gave a shit about the Indians until 1994. Apparently they have a lot of disposable income in Boston, because the Red Sox just had their 456th consecutive sellout at Fenway (since May 15, 2003), breaking the old record of 455 (June 12, 1995 to April 2, 2001) set by the Cleveland Indians at then-Jacob Field. Tho Fenway has fewer seats, they did do it in tougher economic times tho with a much bigger fanbase.

For the Mets, apparently they're getting a new big red apple for their homeruns in their new stadium next season. The current one, which came out in 1980 and looks like the equivalent of something made of papier mache from 4th grade Art class, will cease to exist. Info: "The apple is a nine-foot mass of fiberboard slathered in red paint that, whenever a Met blasts a homer, pops out of a 10-foot, upside-down black top hat made of plywood. The Mets logo on the apple lights up and blinks. The phrase "home run," which replaced the original "Mets Magic," an offshoot of the Mets' old "The Magic is Back" campaign, is visible on the top hat. The apple, all 582 pounds of it, appeared behind the fence, to the right of the 410-foot mark in center field, during the 1980 season."

Friday and Saturdays Cubs / Astros games have been postponed, due to Hurricane Ike. Seems like every season the Cubs are involved with a Hurricane, tho usually with the Marlins.

The White Sox, with Contreras and Quentin both gone for the rest of the year, seem to hold on to 1st place like a bad cold by 1 game. Is it a matter of time before they give up to the Twins? I'd be excited, but losing your best hitter isn't going to take you deep in the postseason, especially in the A.L. It's going to rain all weekend because of Ike, and it'll be tough to get in this series against the Tigers.

Ppd.

> Sunday September 14th 2008 < "You can't say those things, they're offensive!"

Over 7.70" of rain in my rain gage. And the Bears blew a 17-3 lead in steamy Charlotte and lost 20-17 because they were too busy being stupid. Bears fans are now already calling for the head of Orton, who couldn't complete a long pass to save his life. We waited 4 years to make him a starter, and after a 1-1 start, it's death time. Granted he did fuck up, but Greg Olsen fucked up by fumbling twice, one possibly costing us 3 points, and a fumble that led to a Panther touchdown. Plus the Bears had really shitty field position a lot, making the task even that much harder. A bad week for the spread.

And Carlos Zambrano, that god damn fucking asshole fucker. I couldn't watch the news because of that fucker. Houston, you are just god damned pathetic. 10 years later and you're still shit.

> Saturday September 13th 2008 < "I'm gonna kick you and I'm gonna kick you againnnnnn"

Wow, this is the first time that I can ever remember that both the Cubs and the Sox had postponements on a Friday & Saturday. Hurricane Ike, whom affecting Houston and Chicago at the same time, due to Jet Stream flow that's channeling moisting from the Gulf into steady rains that would break Chicago's all-time 24-hour rainfall, somewhere over 6.86". The rain is supposed to stop sometime tomorrow afternoon and the Sox have a scheduled doubleheader, while the Cubs / Astros series has been moved up to Milwaukee where they will play a game on Sunday & Monday. The Sox travel to Yankee Stadium for the last time.

Ppd.

> Monday September 15th 2008 < "kid: "Don't trust the new kid, he's an undercover cop!!!""

young child screaming in the house: "There goes Beethoven, he just trashed the house and now he's getting away! RUN!!!"

Beethoven: "Woof woof woof woof!"

Charles Grodin: "God damn it!!! Why are we making a sequel when we shouldn't have made the first one in the first place?!?!"

> Tuesday September 16th 2008 < "You get that food away from me, Rachael Ray"

Infuriated mother inside the restaurant "Pop 'n Cock" at the cash register: "Your restaurant name is inappropriate!!!!"

Dolph Rudager: "Your FACE is inappropriate!! Get out of my restaurant!!"

**ten minutes pass**

Infuriated mother inside the restaurant at the cash register: "Your restaurant name is inappropriate!"

Dolph Rudager: "Your FAT ASS is inappropriate! Get out of my restaurant!"

Infuriated man inside the restaurant at the cashier holding plate: "These French Fries are cold and soggy!"

Dolph Rudager: "Your pathetic effeminate male state is inappropriate! Get out of my restaurant!"

**man drops plate of fries on counter & leaves**

Dolph Rudager: "God how I love this place."

Ppd.

> Thursday September 18th 2008 < "I don't like this 'Queen Bee' tendencies you got going on here!"

Person #1: "Growing up, I actually thought I had an STD."

Person #2: "You are an STD."

> Wednesday September 17th 2008 < "Mets head west, no public ass."

You notice there's a 'Cocktail Hour' but no 'Get High Hour'.

> Saturday September 20th 2008 < "I want to tell you about my best friend, tho you know she's gonna kill me in the end."

Hey YOU! You're BAD!! BAD!! BAAAAAAAAD!!!!

You son of a bitch!!

And who I am talking about, is MLB's Instant Replay (you're bad!) Last night in fucking Tampa (jesus christ, why is it so god damn hard to umpire in that shit ballpark? It's just some shitty 1970s dome) against the Fucker Twins, we had baseball's first fucking replay reversal. Carlos Pena's cocksucking drive to right field off Boof Bonser (what the fuck kind of name is that??!) appeared to be touched by a scrotum wrecking bastard fan before bouncing off the top of the fucking fence. First base umpire and overall asshole Mike DiMuro signaled fucker fan interference, and Pena reluctantly stopped at second base for a god damn two-run double. The umpires huddled like queer bears and decided to look at the piece of shit video. All 28,306 assholes in the crowd broke into cheers when the umpires returned to the field after a delay of 4 MINUTES AND 10 FUCKING SECONDS, and crew chief Gerry Davis signaled home run, giving Pena a three-run homerun that made him King Shit Eating Fucker Of The World and the score at 9-0.

4 minutes and 10 seconds. As if baseball games weren't already long enough. That's just terrible.

And say 'no' to Canada! Cunt.

Editor's note: this piece has been enhanced with additional profanity

> Friday September 19th 2008 < "The Skydome's field looks like a fucking yoga mat class."

Well that's it. The White Sox are forever done with Yankee Stadium, hence the Yankees won't be in the playoffs for the 1st time since 1993! There is no reason to close Yankee Stadium, it's still structurally sound, and yeah, it's not the same place since its 1974-75 renovation, it's still the same infield and mound the old Yankees played on (unless they moved that around). But there's only one reason why the Yankees are moving across the street: George Steinbrenner's greed. All he cares about is money and being a fucking psychopath in winning trophies. It is absolute blasphemy that they're tearing down the baseball stadium with the most history ever.

> Sunday September 21st 2008 < "Oh I didn't know you liked living in a house where loud is allowed!!!"

The 2008 July & August entries have been archived. You can see them by clicking on the brown ball icon with the white arrow pointing to the right.

Man, for the second week in a row, the Bears pissed away a lead to lose. They were up by 10 with 3 minutes to play, but the stupid Bucs marched right now the field, and tied it on a last second field goal. Bucs force an OT, and after 2 possession changes, the Bears had the Bucs pinned deep in Bears territory near the goal line and 4th down, but these assholes being who they are, got themselves all pissed off, starting fights and shit, and there was a Buc punching and shoving a Bear in the pile, but the ref doesn't see it, and only see's Charles Tillman come in and try to pull the Buc off, which the ref flagged Tillman for a 15-yard personal foul penalty, which was total bullshit (not understood until replay). The Bears D was tired from being on the field a lot, and gave up 87 yards and the Bucs hit a game-winning field goal. 27-24 Bucs.

Kyle Orton was completely awful in the 1st half, including one of the worst interceptions I have ever seen.. it was basically a 8 yard pass right to the Buc in front of him. The opposite happened in this game from last week, the Bears had good field position but couldn't do shit with it (oh I guess it was like last week). Last week against the Panthers, the Bears blew a 17-3 lead on a 108 degree heat index day just shoving their thumbs up their asses, hoping the lead would hold. And of course, the Bears had awful field position, twice on their final possession, they couldn't get a 1st down on short. It was really bad. Plus Greg Olsen dropped two passes that cost the Bears at least 3 points, and 7 when the Panthers converted it. It was one of the worst Tight End performances I have ever seen.

But I have to say, this offense sucks. In the Panther game, the offense only produced 1 touchdown, the defense got the other one, and only 2 in the Buc game, which one I believe was setup by the D. The thing that bothers me the most, is the Bucs had 4 turnovers, twice as many as the Bears, and yet they STILL won. Professor Palmer must be rolling in his grave. Bears should be 3-0 but instead are 1-2. They sure as hell won't be winning the division, and a playoff spot looks like a very outside shot. If this were baseball, the Bears would be 10-20.

> Monday September 22nd 2008 < "You're a candidate for Natural Selection!"

Man #1: **after searching for disposed water hose nozzle for 20 minutes buried in the deep lawn** "Oh THERE it is! **grumble grumble** I should put a damn bell on this thing or something."

Man #2: "What would THAT do???"

Man #1: "Shut up!!! I'm painting this thing neon orange or something."

> Wednesday September 24th 2008 < "Johnny Johnson"

Dr. Phil in his family room: "Now that we got the kids outta the house, we got nuthin' to doooooo so let's watch some TV." **turns on the TV & watches**

Robin McGraw: "Here's the remote."

25 minutes later...

Dr. Phil: "Wow, television is crap!"

Robin McGraw pointing to the television: "That's YOUR SHOW, Phillip!!!"

Dr. Phil: **in a daze** "Wha.....?"

Robin McGraw: "You're watching YOUR show! That's YOU on the TV!!!"

Dr. Phil: "Wow, I'm terrible!"

Robin McGraw: "Mmhmm."

Dr. Phil: "I had no idea!"

Robin McGraw: "Mmhmm."

Dr. Phil: "We'll be right back."

Robin McGraw: "You're not ON your show right now!"

Dr. Phil: **in a daze** "Huuuuuh.....?"

Robin McGraw: "I want out of this marriage. This is terrible." *leaves room**

Dr. Phil talking to himself: "The reason whyyyyy you're smokin' yer dope is 'cause yer dope is smokin' youuuuuu....."

> Tuesday September 23rd 2008 < "You're going to marry an atheist nun???"

Dr.: "I'm not just going to let you come in my clinic and give you Liposuction in place of a healthy diet and exercise!"

Lazy young teenage fat person: "Why don't you shut up and do your JOB, eh???!"

> Friday September 26th 2008 < "Really Sore Losers, Inc."

Voice-over on the television: "Things are new this Fall on ABC! We have a new sitcom based on recessive mental health, called "Have You Seen My Henry?" this Fall on ABC, followed immeditately after the premiere of the new "Unnecessary Surgery", followed by the series opener of "Honest Ignorance", followed by yet another new show, "Unqualified To Train". It's all on Tuesday nights, this fall on ABC!

> Thursday September 25th 2008 < "...next week on "That's super!""

Barney Fife on the television: "Andy! Shoot him in the face! "

Sheriff Andy: "No, Barn. I'm not going to shoot him in the face. But I am going to shoot him...."

Barney Fife: "Yes! "

Sheriff Andy: "...with a story of small town chivalry. "

Barney Fife jumping up and down wildly: "NO!!!!! Catch and shoot! Catch and shoot!"

> Saturday September 27th 2008 < "Runnin' with the level"

Voice-over on the television: "Wednesday nights are all new on ABC this Fall! We start off with an hour of "Absent-Patience Coral Punishment Nanny", followed by "Shut Up, God Damn It!" and "My Dumb Wife and Kids". It's all new and very loud, this Fall here on ABC!"

> Sunday September 28th 2008 < "Ice Scraper Man"

Well for the 2nd time this season, an NFL referee really fucked up a really obvious call. Ed Hochuli, who reffed that Chargers / Broncos game in Week 2, blew a call when the Bronco's QB Jay Cutler dropped the ball while about to pass, but it was incorrectly ruled an incomplete pass instead of a fumble, which the Chargers recovered. Instead, the Broncos kept the ball, scored and won on a 2-point conversion, putting the hyped Charges to an 0-2 record.

Well today, in the Falcons / Chargers game, this fucker made another bad call. He called a roughing the passer penalty on Falconer Julius Peppers, saying that when he collided with QB Matt Ryan, his helmet touched Ryan's. During the play, the ball was intercepted and was brought back for a touchdown, but was wiped out w/ the penalty. Replays showed Peppers only hit Ryan's shoulder. That's at least the 3rd touchdown wiped out for the Panthers this season.

The Line is Panthers by 7. Plus I believe the Chargers were picked by the spread in Week 2. So there's only one conclusion: Ed Hochuli is a gambler and is fixing games. He's also reffed 2 Super Bowls, which btw, 4 of the last 7 Super Bowls were decided by only 3 points, which includes all 3 Patriots Super Bowl victories, in '02, '04 & '05.

And here's some great Bears news since Lovie Smith took over in 2004: 19 players drafted of the 42 in the Smith era are no longer with the team, including 6 of the last 16 players drafted in the first 3 rounds. And the Bears are 1-2, and here are the odds since the 1990 12-team playoff system was put in place:

1-3: 20 of 128 (16%) making the playoffs
2-2: 54 of 159 (34%) making the playoffs
3-1: 96 of 145 (66%) making the playoffs

So ya... it might be hockey time already if the Bears lose tonight on NBC. Yes... already. And they already look like shit.

This morning I lost two ebay auctions. Both from the same seller. Both within 30 minutes of each other. Both from the same buyer who wanted two random baseball caps I would have liked to have dirt cheap. Both auctions lost with :03 seconds left. All because of ebay's newish advanced automatic bidding system, where you can you can set up in days in advance, of how much you want to bid, when to do it, and how to when the auction hits specific prices. Tho I know it's there, I just can't find any info on it. It's not that I wanted the items badly, I can get them elsewhere, but these were dirt cheap. Had I gotten into the bidding war, it would have turned much less into a bargain and I'd only be saving a few dollars, so decided it wasn't worth it. I don't like this bidding option. Ebay is all about sniping. That's how I do it. That's how I've always do it. But of course, ebay is always thinking of new ways to nickel and dime people to death, and said the shareholders wanted to scheme up another profit in revenue. Hmmm.. maybe it's not ebay... but some Sniper Auction program I found for sale on ebay. Oh great, so now it's professional snipers vs. professional snipers. Wonderful.

> Monday September 29th 2008 < "Occupation: hired as audience member to cough."

ASSOCIATED PRESS - Phuckhead Publishing Inc. has announced a book signing deal with Dolph Rudager. Dolph has a signed a deal in which to create a series of offensive, degenerate and recessive books containing poor grammar, puns, banter, double speak, profanity, confusion, rhetoric, blasphemy and set up in a manner to potentially be banned from all public schools and libraries. When asked to comment on the deal, Dolph said,

"Abso-fuckin'-lutely! It's totally conspiggy! Now if you excuse me, I have some steroids to take and some weights to lift, and then proceed to an 7 1/2-woman orgy (hey amputees need love too!) and smoke my daily 60 pounds intake of marijuana. Oh and I just bid on ebay auctions to drive the price up. And I buy concert tickets only to tear them up."

> Tuesday September 30th 2008 < "I'm a cheap motherfucker!!!"

Dolph Rudager and I discussing baseball during a baseball game.

Me: "I recently read this article about the abundance of steroid use in Latin America. Since Major League Baseball is so hellbent on getting cheap, foreigner players instead of going into the ghetto like the NBA & NFL. It's partly why a lot of players are getting shot."

Dolph (already high): "I... I really don't care for sports. I...I HATE THEM YOU SONAVABITCH!!!" **picks up chair and attempts to throw it at me**

Me: "Calm the fuck down, Dolph, you fucking stoner!"

Dolph giggling: "Heheheheheheh. I'm a stoner!" **eats a pot brownie**

Me: "And I quote, 'In Latin America, the new frontier of baseball, they are injecting kids with steroids. Grown men are taking needles and plunging them into the backsides of 16-year-olds in the name of profit. Over the last two months, 40 players in the Dominican Republic have tested positive for steroids. Ten more from Venezuela were caught. Most are teenagers. All of them want a crack at the treasure chest. If that means giving illicit drugs to a kid ignorant of steroid use's repercussions - or, in many cases, lying to him about what the drugs really are - so be it. The buscones get their cut of a signing bonus whether a kid is clean or dirty.' "

Dolph: "I'm gonna go to the bathroom for a few minutes..."

Me: "Stop gettin' high, Dolph!!! Some more info: 'So begins the cycle that ends in days like Sept. 5, a Black Friday for baseball's fight against steroid use: Twelve minor leaguers - seven Dominicans, five Venezuelans - were suspended, the most in a single day since May 12, 2005. That was the first year of MLB's performance-enhancing-drug testing program, and the 68 players suspended this season - 66 in the minor leagues - represent the most since '05, too.

Unlike the United States, the Dominican Republic and Venezuela are countries with steroids available at the local drug store, no prescription necessary. The ability to easily obtain the drugs, combined with the impoverished lives so many players' families lead, makes teenagers particularly susceptible to the quick fix steroids are supposed to provide. The average annual income in the Dominican is around $2,500, and Chicago Cubs infielder Ronny Cedeno, a Venezuelan, said: "We're poor. We're really poor. We need to make money. And it's really hard to say no." "

Me: "Man, that is really sad."

Dolph: "Sounds like a paradise there. Just walk into the pharmacy, and buy all the steroids you want. Mmmmm mmmmm mmmm heh heh HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!" **eats another pot brownie**

Me: "No Dolph, you stupid hippie. You're wrong. Steroids are wrong. It's cheating. In the fairness of real competition and good sportsmanship, everybody should be clean. Plus not to mention steroids are destructive to the body."

Dolph really spacing out now: "Man...man...we gotta get rid of this poor people thing..." **takes another pot brownie bite**

Me rolling eyes: "Oh for christ's sakes, Dolph...."

Dolph extremely high & resting elbows on table in an awkward position: "If...if only there was like, like some kind of like, like big open way, man, to..to make it, so like, we're all one, we all have the same possessions and same amount of money, so that way nobody would poor.. and, and, and like, the Government would like, look after everything so w...we wouldn't have to, and, and, and they could run everything in an organized State... If only there was some kind of name for this..." **drops pot brownie**

Me annoyed: "It's called 'Communism' you stupid lousy stoner!!!"

Dolph totally out of it: "Man, we'd all day gettin' high and having orgies, and takin' 'roids and lifting all day, and wandering around, talking to people about gettin' high and breakin' records.. Hey, hey, hey, hey man, I'm gonna go to the bathroom for a few minutes. I have to go toke with the Man." **gets up & flips his long blonde hair in the wind**

Me shaking head: "Jesus fucking christ...."