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| > Sunday April 1st, 2007 < �The price of ginger has caused us to relocate.� Alright, here we go again. The Untitled Daily Column Project is back and it still has no name. Opening Day is tomorrow, and I�ll have my baseball picks up shortly. A few thoughts on this season: I have no idea who will win the World Series. The N.L. East is up for either the Mets or Phillies, the Central is so wide open the Milwaukee Brewers could win it, and the West is the usual borefest. The A.L. East will be for the nth time Red Sox vs Yankees. The theory going around is that the A.L. Central is going to have 4 first place teams in it. However, Minnesota lost two starting pitchers, Cleveland has like no bullpen or solid starter past the # 2, and the Tigers will inevitably be strained with tired and overused arms like last season�s White Sox, and Kenny Rogers will miss at least half the season. So basically, it�s the White Sox division to lose, and if people, especially the starting pitching and especially Mark Buehrle start tanking, then the Sox will finish either 3rd or 4th. I didn�t even bat an eyelash when Ozzie Guillen said he wanted Carlos Zambrano in a Sox uniform next season. Completely unrealistic, the Sox will never give out a contract for more than 3 years and they refuse to pay free agent pitchers (it�s all cheap and young from here out). Suffice to say, I wasn�t too thrilled of trading Freddy Garcia over the Winter, but apparently his velocity is still down and Kenny pulled a turd-on-your-face trade with the Phillies, and luck have it, the Phillies play in the most homer-friendly park. I�m still pretty pissed off about the McCarthy trade with Texas, turns out the Sox didn�t like his �attitude� and other stupid shit. Well shit, if I was a starting pitcher and I got stuck in the bullpen while a crappy pitcher like Javier Vazquez pitched in my place, I�d be pissed off too. I�ll tell you about the White Sox: if you don�t get along and kiss their asses no matter how big of a jerk or how stupid they are or how warped their being of logic is, you won�t be on the team, no matter how good you are or what you�ve done for them. Also on Monday, we�ll have a new NCAA Basketball Champion. I don�t ever recall the Championship being on the same day as Opening Day. Two major events shouldn�t happen on the same day. But anyways, the blog is back. In conclusion: Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul. Billy Madison: Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine. |
| > Monday April 2nd, 2007 < �Chicago Train Derailment Blues� And now, my 2007 picks: A.L. West ANA TEX OAK SEA N.L. West LAD SD SF ARI COL * - Wild Card ALDS: NYY over ANA in 3 ALWC: CHW over BOS in 5 ALCS: NYY over CHW in 6 NLDS: NYM over LAD in 4 NLWC: PHI over HOU in 3 NLCS: PHI over NYM in 6 WS: NYY over PHI in 6. What is my reasoning behind this? I don�t know. Quite honestly, I could reverse any of those combinations, and I�d say potentially anyone of those teams could win it all. All it takes is a hot streak. I�m wary of picking a Philly team to win it all, since they tend to choke the most. I say teams that are headed for a huge crash this year are: OAK, WAS, PIT, ATL, MIN and BAL. In a happy world, the Devil Rays would qualify for a Wild Card and the Brewers would win the N.L. Central, with the D-Backs suddenly taking charge of the N.L. West and the White Sox start off April with 19 wins. Of course, none of this will ever happen, and it will be the same boring shit again this year. Yeah the Yankee�s Opening Day pitcher Carl Pavano hasn�t pitched since mid �05 and you�d love to see that pitching staff completely fall apart, but that stupid lineup of theirs will keep them in every game all summer. And now, we bring our attention to this matter: 755. The once-thought unreachable and most prestigious of all sports records is now a mere fart away from being broken. Karma will be doing everything it can through the people involved to make sure this doesn�t happen (maybe a little help from Karma�s cousin, �Superstition�, and his sister, �Coincidence�). I can honestly say that if Bonds breaks that homerun record, we can officially burn the record book, because it will be completely useless & I will never believe a single record ever again nor will I ever defend a single stat ever again. And I hope that if you get the Extra Innings package, that you have Direct TV, otherwise you�re completely shit out of luck. Way to fuck your fans up the ass, MLB. |
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CHW DET CLE MIN KC N.L. Central HOU STL MIL CIN CHC PIT |
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NYY BOS * TOR TB BAL N.L. East PHI NYM * FLA ATL WAS |
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| > Saturday September 15th, 2007 < " 'I beat my fucker, I beat my fucker..' " Oh writer's block, you pissant, you! A few things since my last entry: Michigan & Notre Dame entered 9/15/07 both 0-2. ND's defense is ranked last in the nation. This is the first time since the AP poll was created that when the two teams met, they weren't ranked. Afterwards, Notre Dame's backup / Game 1 QB Demetrius Jones ditched the school & headed to NIU, Notre Dame lost 38-0, had negative -6 net rushing yards, had 6 fumbles & is 0-3 for just the second time in school history (1887), they haven't scored a offensive touchdown in 14 quarters, and ND is stuck with him for 10 god damn years. A few things we learned: Charlie Weis is an idiot and a horrible recruiter. We also know he's a fraud, since apparently he won those Super Bowls with the Patriots by spying and cheating. More things: we learned that Rex Grossman sucks and Cedric Benson is soft from playing at Texas. If you're going to show an absolutely shitty outing against a Super Bowl tier team, then you don't stand a chance of winning. The Chargers won 14-3, and I have to say, there was some obvious Karma in this game, when the Bears jumped offsides at the Bear 1 and forced a fumble, only later on the next Chargers possession, the short punt bounces and hits # 33 McGowan and the Chargers recover. Grossman of course sucked (12 for 23, 145 yds, 52.2%, 3 sacks, 0 TD & 1 INT) and Benson (19 for 42, 2.2 ave, 1 fumble) not to mention some of the worst officiating I've ever seen (extreme lack of calls, especially on the offsides & the body slam on Mike Brown which again injured him & ended his season....AGAIN). I'm still predicting an NFC title, I don't know from there. The White Sox on Friday night (and the wrong night, too) wore their "Halfway to St. Patrick's Day" kelly green accented home uniforms with super cheap-ass adjustable New Era caps with the ugly New Era logo on the side, with black helmet, sleeves and socks, for a truly lazy effort. Of course, I'm all for a full-time change to kelly green from black & silver. I think it would be a huge hit. The Baltimore Orioles are proving to be one of the worst teams in baseball, and on Wednesday August 22nd, gave up consecutvie 30 runs in the first game of a doubleheader, after posting a 3-0 lead. And ALL 30 runs were earned! The Texas Rangers scored 5 in the 4th, 9 in the 6th, 10 in the 8th and 6 in the 9th. There were two grand slams, 29 hits, 8 walks, 6 Ranger homeruns, and only two doubles. It was the ninth time a major league team scored 30 runs, the first since the Chicago Colts set the major league mark in a 36-7 rout of Louisville in a National League game on June 28, 1897, according to the Elias Sports Bureau. The Rangers set a team record for runs scored in a doubleheader -- before the second game even started. Texas' 30 RBIs set a major league record. The Rangers had 57 at-bats, tying the AL mark for a nine-inning game set by Milwaukee in its 1992 rout of Toronto. And in the bullshit of all of this, the Rangers fucking recorded a save, Wes Littleton earned his second career save and first this season by pitching three scoreless innings. Your team scored 30 runs, you don't need a save. And finally, what I learned about my shitty computer: apparently after you've collected some graphics, it doesn't like it when you're in the thumbnail mode and are moving & organizing them to different folders, otherwise the computer crashes. I hate you, stupid weak computer. |
| > Tuesday September 18th, 2007 < "little Jeffery: 'yeah mommy has a motorcycle but it never goes anywhere!' " The White Sox took another step backwards in their quest for the # 1 pick in the 2008 MLB draft by pounding Kansas City 11-3 last night, all 11 Sox runs were scored in the 5th. My, I had forgotten how great the Royals looked in their home uniform. As rumored, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays have changed their name to the "Rays" and now will be sporting the colors navy blue, yellow and light blue, contrary to the reports of royal blue and yellow. Apparently people don't know what the hell the shades of blue are called! So now we're going to have an awful version of the San Diego Chargers look in MLB. And I can only guess the cap and alternate jersey will be navy blue as well. As the Chargers have shown, navy, yellow and light blue do not go well together. And hopefully, in a pending auction, by the end of the day, I will be the proud owner of a retro piece of memorabilia, a navy blue Chicago Bears cap with flat embroidered helmet logo. All I can say is, they don't make caps that clean looking anymore, and for the price, it's a fraction of what today's caps go for, and it looks a lot better, too. Update: As of 5:05pm, I am officially the proud owner of a piece of authentic retro Bears memorabilla! There is great satisfaction after watching hundreds of hours of games and studying trends and memorabilia, to find & win something after knowing exactly what you want. They just don't make hats like they used to. |
| > Monday September 17th, 2007 < "Maybe Jimmy's an anti-Dentite." Summary of the 2007 Emmys. I turned this on right when Ray Romano was doing his "my wife can't stand me" bit again. What I don't like about this year's Emmy's: Ryan Seacreast, are you fucking kidding me??! What a lame-ass host. People cheering a show when it's randomly mentioned. Jeremy Piven winning another Emmy. Shows on Premium Cable winning Emmy's where like 20% of the population has seen it Anything to do with "Ugly Betty" Tina Fey (had to leave the room to vomit) (who btw is in a crappy commercial for crappy American Express credit card, which is not accepted at most locations) Acceptant speeches Writers who say "Uuuhhhhh...." over and over during acceptant speeches Jersey Boys? Oh god. More Sopranos shit?? Blech, internet Emmy. Al fuckin' "stiff two by four" Gore gets an Emmy?? Man, Stephen Colbert & Jon Stewart are the only highlight in the boring 3rd hour. Ugly Betty, BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! OOOOOOOOOH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! An Emmy to 30 Rock!! Cancel the ceremony! Cancel everything! **falls to knees** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooo.............. Okay, Emmy's mean squat. There is no way in HELL 30 Rock had a better season than The Office. No way. Not possible. Or this confirms what I always assumed: everybody gets to win it once. Blech. And one more Sopranos turd to top the turd sundae. Very few funny bits, and Hugh Laurie's bit was unmemorable, but at least Conan got an Emmy. Plus there was a lot of weird technical difficulties, with lines and jokes cut-off, which apparently was due to the censors. Boo! Last year's Emmy's were much better. This is a dark, dark age for comedy, and all the lights in the house have been turned off. |
| > Sunday September 16th, 2007 < "He hasn't been the same since he found out his favorite baseball announcer was a Communist." Well we know Rex sucks at picking up the blitz. Nice 30 yard loss on the sack, you fucker! I tell you one thing: if Devin Hester ever gets hurt, the Bears are royally fucked. 10 of those points (another 7 if it weren't for a holding call) are because of him. And a blocked field goal saves Grossman's ass from making it a 7-point ballgame. Oh wait, he decided to throw an interception on 3rd down! Rex is his own worst enemy. If you lose the Chiefs, then that's really pathetic. 3 for 13 on 3rd down. Bears win 20-10. Again, an exciting 1st half leads to a boring, drawn-out mistake ridden 2nd half where the Bears could had been forced to score again, but thanks to a blocked field goal to prevent it being a 7-point game and then an interception in KC's touchdown play to prevent it from being a 3-point game. When all was said and done, it was realized it was late in the 4th quarter, and all the Bears had to do was to keep the clock running. I have to say, like the home crowd's reaction, I wasn't exactly giddy or revved up about this win. Rex: 20 for 34, 160 yds, 58.8%, 3 sacks, 28 Lyds, 1 TD and 2 INT. It was good enough to beat a so-called "awful" Chiefs team. And the Bears still only have 1 offensive touchdown for the 2-game season. Perhaps Rex should just play the 1st half and let the backups play the 2nd half. That's an idea. The defense looked great, as usual. Next week the Bears play at home versus Dallas at 7:15pm on NBC. The Pittsburgh Steelers wore their throwback compilation of the late 1940s through 1960s uniform, with yellow helmet, larger helmet decal with the current Steelers logo instead of it saying "Steel", black jersey, yellow letters, 3 yellow sleeve stripes with two too-thin black strips, white pants with a black/yellow/black stripe pattern & white shoes. I thought they looked pretty sharp in them, and actually like this better than the current. The Chicago Blackhawks (what is that, a brand of beer or something?) unveiled their new bastard Reebok (evil) jerseys, and they thankfully look exactly the same, except for the stupid NHL logo at the neck, which gives it a weird V stripe pattern that tapers out at the end. I really don't like the weird cuts of the new jerseys, or the rounded hem, or how they have a "curved figure", but Reebok wanted to make a statement that "Hey, we're fucking Reebok, and we're totally in your fucking face!" And apparently some players on the Flyers don't like the snugness, so now the team is ordering new jerseys a few sizes larger. Designed with the players my ass. Sadly, it looks like the new Blackhawks jersey won't have that neat old-fashioned circular "swirl" chain-stitch loop stitching technique, which also the St. Louis Cardinals use for their uni's, which adds a nice texture. And for the first time since 1995-96 season, there will be no stupid 3rd black jersey for the Blackhawks. |
| > Thursday September 20th, 2007 < "it's that crazy NASA bitch!" **theme to 'The John McLaughlin Group' plays** John McLaughlin interviewing at a roundtable: "And that leads us to actress Shelley Long, who inexplicably left then-top show 'Cheers'." Shelley Long: "Nice to be here, John" John McLaughlin: "So I hear you're making crappy movies." Shelley Long: **caught off-guard** "Wha..." John McLaughlin: **sarcastically & mimicking towards the producer** "Oh was that not nice? Should I apologize to the dumb idiot? Was I not nice?!" Shelley Long: "But..." John McLaughlin: "And what the hell was 'Troop Beverly Hills'? I remember asking myself, 'What IS this shit?' " Shelley Long: "I.." John McLaughlin: "Dumb fuck." **stares angrily at camera** Shelley Long: "If I'm allowed to explain myself..." John McLaughlin: **picks up chair and seats it opposite of Long's chair** **back is to Long; still with an angry scowl on face** Shelley Long: "This is not a very friendly interview!" John McLaughlin: **snort** Shelley Long: "Maybe I should leave?" John McLaughlin: **grunt** Shelley Long: **leaves** John now facing camera & shouting: "THIS HAS BEEN THE McLAUGHLIN GROUP!!! OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" |
| > Wednesday September 19th, 2007 < "playwright: Snoopy Gets Revenge " Well it's Wednesday Fox Night, with the return of "Til Death", which I rate as a really average sitcom, which apparently there's a CBS version of it called "Terms of Engagement". Both shows have the same premise: middle-aged burnt out married couple who views marriage as a death sentence while befriending a young and optimistic engaged couple, and the older couple mentors the younger one. And in both shows, the young engaged girlfriend is a total control-freak bitch, which seriously, no man in their right mind should marry her. One show has Patrick Warburton, David Spade and Megyn Price (the mother from "Grounded for Life") who lost like 100 pounds and looks tiny now, and the other show has Brad Garrett. At least it's not "Becker" reruns. The other new sitcom (there's so few of them) is "Back To You", starring Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton, who obviously don't need the money but need something to do. Basically the plot is a Pittsburgh newsroom, Grammer's anchorman character returns to his roots and his bickering once-nabbed-in-the-sack anchorwoman. I heard Heaton thinks this show will be on for a long time (I doubt that) and I've read it's apparently well-written and funny. It's also the last grasp for the multi-camera sitcom, as it being the single hand-held camera is taking over television. If this show fails, that's it. It's done. The show also has the brilliant Fred Willard, who plays an old-school sportscaster. Update: Oh dear, a laugh track. That is never a good sign. The "twist" in the show is that Grammer's character knocked up his co-anchor on her New Year's Eve drunken bindge, and now there's a 10 year old daughter and conflict all around. Next is Chef Gordon Ramsay's "Kitchen Nightmares", where he goes about whipping some lazy and incompetent people in the restaurant business into shape. I have a feeling that after watching this show, I'm going to be very reluctant to eat out. And of course, this show combines my two favorite things: food and rage. FUCKING SHUT IT DOWN!!! |
| > Friday September 21st, 2007 < "I want to be a bad clown." Boy ain't this the truth. Campbell's chicken soup is like the McDonald's of canned soup. Television commercial of a group of young kids at a kitchen table eating Campbell's chicken soup. Television commercial music of children singing: "Campbell's chicken soup! We like gar-bage! We like gar-bage! Because we're uneducated and stupid! And we don't know anything, And that's why we're still stupid kids! We like gar-bage! We like gar-bage!" Adult voice-over: "It's not because mom's cheap. It's just that you're stupid, and you have no palette, and she's not going to waste good food on you. Campbell's chicken soup is not approved nor sponsored by Chef Gordon Ramsay." Oval shaped insert of video of angry Chef Gordon Ramsay in white chef's coat with arms crossed & shouting: "BURN IT!!!!!!" **fadeout** |
| > Saturday September 22nd, 2007 < "Damn kids always burning shit." This just in..... "Soccer is still not a sport." Wake up, people!!! The new $1 Burger King Spicy Chick'n'crisp sandwich is pure shit. I knew it was shit, but not to that 'unimaginable extent of shit'. First off, this has the be the thinnest piece of processed chicken sandwich ever made. It looked 4 times thicker on television. The combined layers of breading were actually thicker than the processed chicken product inside. And of course, it was way too small for the small bun, which was and always will be inferior. The chipotle powder was odd as well. Something is pretty wrong when the lettuce is the best part of a sandwich. If you're craving a shitty cheap chicken sandwich, once again Wendy's is the place to go. Of the Big 3 (McDeth, BK & Wendy's), Wendy's wins again. I prefer their bigger and tastier fries, their shakes, their burgers, their chicken sandwiches (both cheap-o and breast), their specialty burgers (1/4 lb Bacon Mushroom Melt (with american cheese, bacon, mushrooms covered in a warm cheddar cheese sauce. Mmmmm) and their cheap burgers as well. Plus their chili and salads ain't bad either (deemed healthiest of the 3). And Wendy's started the whole white chicken meat thing for nuggets. As bad sounding as that may be, what's up with this bullshit of Culver's (an inbred-Wisconsin based fast food restaurant) being named # 1 burger joint of America??? There's still 3 1/2 months left! That aside, I went to Calorie Count (which seems to have info about everything) to check out their nutritional stats, especially since they're known to make a butterburger and frozen custard. Low and behold, they make some really unhealthy food there (the only place worse I've seen, is Jack in the Box, which we do not have here in Chicagoland & the nearest is in St. Louis). It was rather startling. What exactly are they doing?? Is their frying oil pure lard? Their fries, Regular or Large, Calories 364-468, Total Fat 28%-36%, Saturated Fat 42%-54%, oh my. But wait, you haven't ordered a cheesebutterburger yet, which they brush the inner bun with butter. Since the patties are paper-thin, you're going to have to order a Double or Jumbo. That will run you 599-879 Calories, Total Fat 48%-71%, Saturated Fat 61%-90%, and of course Cholesterol 47%-685. And that's just a cheeseburger with ketchup, mustard, pickles and onions, which add basically nothing to the numbers unlike mayo, bacon or dressings. I mean, what are they doing? Poking holes in the patties to fill with grease? Are they putting fat cubes in the patties? Do they marinate it in lard and butter overnight?? Shit even the Chicken Tenders are bad, Total Fat 28%, Saturated Fat 30%, Cholesterol 27% and Sodium 48%, and I have no idea how many there are nor how big, and this is before all those sodium-rich dipping sauces. They advertise that "their frozen custard is better for you than ice cream". Yeah, I'm looking at a vanilla malt & a shake, and I see Total Fat at 86% daily allotment, Cholesterol at 110% and Saturated Fat at 171%. And this is before they add all them crushed cookies and candy in them. Wow, a Large Turtle Concrete Malt: 1799 Calories, Total Fat 98.6g (152%), Saturated Fat 45.7g (229%), Cholesterol 380mg (127%), 742mg Sodium (31%), 193.8g Total Carbohydrates (65%). Wow. So yeah, if you want to leave a dining experience by single-handedly shaving 10 years off your life, apparently you can do it at Culver's. Oh I didn't even tell you the best part about Culver's: it's always slow as hell, you have to wait 30 to 60 minutes for your food, since it's "made to order", and it's really expensive for the amount you get.(a breaded fish platter will be around $7-$9 while the cheapest and smallest possible burger and fries combo will run you $3). I had a burger from there once. Had to wait 25 minutes for it (and this was to go) and my burger was refrigerator-cold due to the veggies on top of it were cold and made the burger cold. So never again. Waiting forever for small amounts of shitty that's pure garbage is not a winner in my book. Culver's: killing American's once visit at a time. "Bigggggggg girrrrrrrrrrrls don'ttttttttttt cry, biggggggggggg girrrrrrrrrrrls don'ttttttttt cry, bigggggg girrrrrrrrrls don'ttttttt cry (they just eat a lot!)" |
| > Sunday September 23rd, 2007 < "hmmm..speaking of which: 'Rachael Ray's pot party'" At 4:51am CST, we said goodbye to awful Summer '07 and welcome to Autumn '07. We welcome cooler temperatures, much more stable and calm weather, leaves changing to bright colors, pumpkins, apple cider and most importantly: dead bugs. DEAD! You're DEAD! You little blood suckers!! Always walking around in my food, fornicating with my trash, spreading their filth, annoying me with their buzzing and getting in my way. As we await that first cold hard frost, it should be noted that while it'll kill a lot of mosquitoes, the ones who carry the West Nile Virus go into hibernation and return next year. And Mayor Richard Daley, don't build annoying children's museums where people don't want them, especially in Grant Park on open space on a public park. Park history, historical past incidents including Supreme Court rulings, concerns about traffic congestion, and oh, it's a stinkin' lousy CHILDREN'S MUSEUM where little brats have their crappy drawings! I believe green open space for a public park is more important, and they already have a museum in Navy Pier, and this isn't the first time there has been a proposal (of worthy and much better proposals) to build something on Grant Park, and saying 'yes' to this would set a dangerous precedent. Hey. HEY! What the hell happened to the Bears playing on Sunday at Noon??? 5 of the first 7 games are on at 3:15pm or 7:15pm. Blech. NFL picks this week: I don't care who wins. The Bears play the Cowboys, and apparently they have a 3-4 defense which Rexy Boy doesn't like so much because they blitz. This could be another Chargers-like game, with a 14-3 score. Monday's blog will have the recap, posted when I feel like it. And Notre Dame is 0-4 for the first time in its 119 year history! Remain an Independent team, will ya?? Get your own national TV contract with NBC, will ya?? Act like campus is the Garden of Eden, will ya?? Hire a big 'n dumb alumni with zero College football experience, will ya?? Wear the wrong darker shade of kelly green on your lucky green jersey, will ya?? We are alive to witness this piece of history. The Milwaukee Brewers had a major choke yesterday, who were one out away from beating the Braves and keeping pace. Time is running out, and they need to start winning games. The Brewers start playing the Cardinals on Monday, so that should help. Oh ya, we missed a John Smoltz pick-off play in the 1st inning because Fox was too busy with its self-masturbatory advertising for its lame sports programming. Way to go, assholes. Fox should not be allowed to broadcast sports. And for every campaign I'll ever have, one agenda will always be to ban Fox from having sports. As of right now, the 3 best teams in baseball are Boston, Cleveland and California. Unfortunately, the National League there's still 6 teams fighting for 4 playoff spots, which I'm sure that criminal Bud Selig must be proud of that. However, the American League, the playoff teams have already been set for weeks, thanks to a choke by Detroit and a major choke by Seattle. There doesn't seem to be any real best team, with the Mets choking and all. There will be a new World Series Champion for the 7th consecutive year. Last titles for remaining potential playoff teams: BOS '04; NYY '00; CLE '48; CAL '02. NYM '86; PHI '80; MIL A.L.'82; CHC 1908; ARZ '01; SD N.L.'98. |
| > Monday September 24th, 2007 < "'..and then i stuck me fork up me bumhole.'" Well, the Bears wasted excellent field position on their first possession after the penalty kick-off out of bounds to avoid the Hester return. We learned from John Madden that "Rex doesn't move in the pocket, he doesn't scramble out of the pocket, so the defense always knows exactly where he his, and they try to get to that point." Oh! The Bears return the favor after their 2nd possession kickoff, bounces it out of bounds! Then 3-0 Bears. Interception Bears! Hey Rex returns the interception favor on the Dallas 10 yard line! Hmmm..... it looks like another "miscommunication" slant play. Penalties are just killing the Cowboy's drives. Ah Benson, trying to run to the outside, but he needs to know: "you ain't that quick". Rex throws intro triple coverage on 3rd down / out comes the punting team. Dallas field goal 3-3. Oh shit.. Devin Hester has been contained. Ah, Rex sacked at his own 4 yard line. 3rd and long....again. OH! A running play! A whole gain of 2 yards! 4th & 21. Punt. And once again, the Bears give up a huge 3rd and long gain. I don't understand why Dallas would go for it on 4th and 3. Blocked field goal by the Bears!! 3rd straight week! Still 3-3. Bears run it back to the Dallas 46. And Rex almost throws another interception. Robbie Gould....never attempted a 50+ yard field goal. Oh fuck. Fake field goal attempt pass fake, Dallas on their own 42. Another Dallas 3rd and 20. Will the Bears give up 18 yards? Another Dallas penalty!! Another 15 yards for the Bears! Oh what a stupid play! That pass play was nowhere NEAR the outside! And Al Michaels predicted it! A 4th and 11 Hail Mary attempt by Rex, "don't want to get sacked with time left on the clock and give the Cowboys a chance to kick the field goal!" Well Rex got tripped up near the 30 yard line while dropping back; was down with 0:02 seconds but the refs let time expire. The difference in this game? The blocked Dallas field goal and the 8 for 65 yards in penalties for the Cowboys. Halftime 3-3. 2nd half. Ah shit, Cowboy touchdown. 10-3. 89 yards. Hester drops ANOTHER kickoff! All and all, Bears start on their own 9. Whoa! Rex scramble run for a 1st down on 3rd and long! 50 yard pass to TE Clark! Then a 24 yard pass to TE Olsen! Benson rush and TOUCHDOWN BEARS!! 10-10. Another fucking 3rd and long Dallas converted. Well motherfucker, Dallas realized early to abandon the running game, and it's killing the Bears defense. Ah fuck. Dallas TD. 17-10. A lot of mentions of Tony Romo's Eastern Illinois University and all. Hester kickoff return to the 35 yard line. Oh FUCK! BEARS FUMBLE. Bears are getting jumpy, offsides. Another Dallas holding penalty! 3rd and Long for the Cowboys... incomplete! 4th down and 15. 44 yard field goal. 20-10. Jesus, Hester kickoff stripped but recovred. On their own 13, Bears 1st down and Grossman throws an interception into triple coverage, ran back for a touchdown, 27-10. And a Bears penalty before PAT and assessed to the kickoff. 10 minutes left in the 4th quarter. Oh jesus christ. Kickoff return from halfway in the endzone up to the 8 yard line. Illegal block, half the distance to the goal line.. Bears start on their own 4. Annnnnnnnnnnd Grossman sacked again. 10 yard loss. 4th down. Punt. Dallas now running the ball with less than 9 minutes left. TD Dallas. 3:20 left, 34-10. Bears run it up to midfield on the kickoff, and on 1st down, another Rex interception! Who the hell throws an interception on shotgun?? Oh, how nice, Rex Grossman has the most interceptions since 2006 with 26. Bears fall to 1-2. Well...Rex is a terrible quarterback (15 for 32, 195 yds, 46.9%, 3 sacks, 31 ydsL, 3 INT), the offense has still only recorded 2 TD's in 3games, the Special Teams and Defense can only do so much, but the Bears coaching staff is terrible at adjustting, thus other teams exploiting a tired defense. And once again, the Bears lose the turnover game, Professor Palmer. Dominated early in time of possesion, but the Bears gave it up once again in the 2nd Half. Despite Dallas's 12 for 100 yards penalties to the Bears 5 for 28, it wasn't enough, not even close. Well shit, Dallas scored 31 in the 2nd Half, the Bears only 7. Next week: September 30, at Detroit, Noon on Fox. And if the Bears lose to Detroit well shit, that's pretty pathetic to start 1=3. |
| > Tuesday September 25th, 2007 < "'hint: men don't give a shit what your shoes look like!'" September 25th is the earliest recorded Chicagoland snowfall, which happened twice, in 1928 and 1942. Captain Steroid's ship leaving the Golden Gate Bridge: Captain Steroids, aka Barry Bonds, just found out that the San Francisco Giants will not be bringing him back in 2008. Captain still wants to play, tho. So can we assume he'll be a Yankee? I really don't see how he could end up in the N.L. with those brittle knees. So where could he end up? It'd have to be a place where the ball flies out, so that counts out Oakland and Seattle. The White Sox are too cheap & have too much salary locked up already, so they're out. The Angels? How about the Rangers? That's where steroid users go to die. Maybe Tampa Bay Rays (who I call the Tampa Bay Ray Romano's ) who are trying to make a splash with their new and leaked (tee hee hee) generic computer company logo and wordmark. Maybe put some of them Christian anti-Satan fans in the seats now that the evil "Devil" has been safely dropped from the team's name. But they still went with the devil ray logo, which makes no sense. Tho he would never sign there because he wants a World Series ring for his fat steroid infested fingers. Baltimore? Oh I'm fucking sorry, Peter Angelos, "The Orioles". They're good at over-paying mediocre players. Toronto? Is the Big Curt still DH-ing there? Minnesota, Kansas City don't have the money either. Detroit? They already have a steroids user at DH. Cleveland has Hafner at DH. Bonds will be a Yankee. Oh and there's rumors that the Red Sox will pursue A-Rod this winter if he opts out of his contract. Salary range from $30 million to $35 million, which makes no sense, because of the luxury tax of 40% and let's face it....A-Rod is not worth that kind of money. That's a terrible value. Plus he's proven he sucks in the playoffs. I know it'll never happen, but I've love to see nobody sign A-Rod and have him sit at home for a season or two. And the Brewers have pretty much destroyed any chance of making the playoffs, and it seems the Mets and D-Backs have wrapped up their playoff spots, and who cares about the Wild Card. As for the Bears game, Just, disappointment felt here. Thankfully there's 16 games in a season, and title hopes aren't stupidly ruined with a loss like in College Football, and the Bears management is too embarrassed to admit they've made many mistakes in their drafts and will suffer the consequences (terrible losses / fans booing / embarrassing play). Rex is not the answer, so bring in Griese or ORTON! And mind you, the offense has only scored 2 offensive touchdowns in 12 quarters this season. If I was in charge, I'd bench Grossman's ass and his 42.5 Passer Rating right now. There is some good news, tho. As of 1pm, the Bears are still "evaluating" Rex Grossman on whether or not he'll start next week, which rumors seem to have it that Griese is going to get the start. I found out one of my favorite New England Clam Chowders (CHOWDAH!!) has an ungodly amount of saturated fat per 8 oz serving (18g / 90% daily allotment) so I'm going to have to re-think about that clam chowder lovefest I have going on with Panera Bread right now. New England Clam Chowder is one of my favorite foods. Why? I can't explain it. I like Manhattan Clam Chowder too, tho some people say it's red because it's the blood in the water that they gather from the East River (tho I've heard otherwise). A warm bowl of Chowdah and oyster crackers, and I'm one happy motherfucker . Heh, this middle aged hefty blonde broad was on "1 vs 100", said she was a New York Yankees fan on a baseball question, and people booed her loudly. God how I love baseball. |
| > Wednesday September 26th, 2007 < "excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse... meeeeeeeee!" Maya Rudolph: stupid crazy bitch What is wrong with you??! In the '06-'07 season finale of Saturday Night Live (SNL) Zach Braff / Maroon 5 (whoever the hell that is) episode, Maya Rudolph was intent on leaving the show after some 6 years, the whole fucking show revolved around "Maya, Maya, Maya". She was in every fucking sketch, ruining Zach's first hosting. On the TV Funhouse credits, they showed a cartoon face of her as a sendoff, I think it said "good luck Maya" or something, and at the end of the show, they were all emotional towards Maya, and that was going to be it. She got the royal treatment reserved (and in excess) that only the best castmembers get (which she is not, she hasn't done anything funny in the past two seasons). Then late in the Summer, she said she was returning. Then Tuesday she said she quit, and then later in the day, said she's coming back again!! What a self-absorbed, arrogant ignorant crazy bitch. Maya has grown stale on the show, and forces us to sit through grueling sketch after the other, with annoying Oprah sketches (parodying Oprah has been done to death. She's fat and crazy, we GET it), annoying Whitney Houston bits and worst off, belting her pipes in loud, drawn-out songs every chance she gets. If you had to sit through a grueling 7-minute sketch of her mocking the singer who screwed up the National Anthem at the '06 World Series, you'd be angry too. SNL is never going to evolve if everyone keeps staying!!! SNL is supposed to be a stop, not a career. It went from being a college football team to an Arena League team. I didn't use the NFL because I wanted to point out the crapiness of the product. I think it's really sad that SNL has now become a graveyard for comical talent. Something is seriously wrong if this is the kind of talent they attract. I don't care what anyone says, Darrell Hammond's impressions aren't that good, especially voice-wise. No offense to Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader or Jason Sudeikis, but the rest of you turds need to go, and especially the writers. Lorne Michaels, there is something seriously wrong when the young audience thinks the show is aimed at adults, and the adults think the show is aimed at the young. In other news, Chicago Blackhawks owner Bill Wirtz died today. I'm sure there are a lot of joyous Blackhawks fans out there who absolutely couldn't stand him and his horrible moves and ruining which was once a proud and popular team. What can we expect from here? Most likely airing home games on TV in 2008-'09 season, tho nobody's gonna watch because nobody cares about the Blackhawks anymore. Last night I watched "Bones", which sucked, and "House" still doesn't have a team, tho Hugh Laurie did play some Van Halen style riffs & some groovy blues on a 1962 electric guitar, which became a source of ransom for Wilson to force ego-centric House that "he can't do it alone". Tho the episode itself was pretty amusing. It was about this office building that collapsed, and they were treating this young woman, and they couldn't figure what was wrong with her (aside from being crushed by a building). And of course, it had the typical "she's better, oh shit, now she's worse" thing 3 times, and it turns out, it was her co-worker that looked like her that they were treating and didn't know it. The woman in question had died earlier, much to the disbelief of the turd-boyfriend, who kept saying "I know this woman, you DON'T." And he kept going on and on about how he wanted kids and shit. Time to find a new girlfriend, turd. Breaking news: Rex Grossman has officially been benched! And I got my Chicago Bears navy blue skull cap flat-embroidered wishbone C helmet logo today in the mail which I got for $5.90 on ebay... Joyous day for all! |
| > Saturday September 29th, 2007 < "...and then there's these lame-ass kids who think they-re cool but they're really not." The Detroit Tigers shortstop Carlos Guillen, once viewed as "the missing link" to the White Sox championship quest, is being moved to 1st base next season. Wow. There's somebody worse than Juan "no-hit-no-field-no-shit" Uribe?? That's mind blowing. In what's cruel irony, the Great '07 Mets collapse has happened, with the Mets falling out of 1st place, and blowing an unprecedented 7 game lead on September 12 with 17 games left. The Mets are in danger of missing the playoffs, which would be reminiscence of the '69 Cubs collapse, but there's still 2 games left and they're playing the 90-loss Marlins, who swept the Cubs and have won 10 straight against them. Behest in what was one of the most annoying MLB topics I have ever seen, which was brought up every single year, of the 1980 MLB regular of most at-bats, set by Willie "I do cocaine" Wilson of the Kansas City Royals. The record was 705 at-bats, only attainable by leading off and not drawing a lot of walks, was broken by the Phillie's Jimmy Rollins and stands at 709 with two games to play. All discussion was "do you think he (whoever lead at-bats that season) will do it?" "think he'll not walk enough?" "think he'll show up?". En nausea puke. Who gives a fuck. I nominate this record as one of the most pointless in all of sports. 1997: That was the last time the Yankees didn't win the A.L. East. The Red Sox finally to the last second decided to win the division for the 1st time since 1995, but the Yankees will still make the playoffs. Somebody needs to realign some divisions and/or contract some teams. Since the leagues & divisions don't mean shit anymore, we'll have to creatively move some teams around. Notre Dame, can and will (and did!) go 0-5 for the first time ever! |
| > Thursday September 27th, 2007 < "in Russia, dope smokes you!" Dad comes home and notices his house completely trashed. Dad: "What the hell happened here?!! AHHHHH!! My Eagles records have been smashed to pieces!!! Why is my Sports Illustrated collection burning in the fire place?? Oh shit!! My dancing stripper lamp!!! It's broken in two!" Son: "Well we may have had a beer or two, or maybe three.... to six, or possibly e-levennnn." Dad: "You're DEAD, kid!!!!" ABC splash screen. Voice-over: " 'Dead Kid', returning this Fall on ABC!" Scene cut to Dad freaking out: "Goddamnsonavabitch!!!" **fade out** |
| > Friday September 28th, 2007 < "I'm not too keen on having a wild animal in my house" Went to the White Sox game tonight courtesy of Timothy Bohus. It was pretty quiet, missed the 1st inning 3-run homer by Konerko, then around the 5th, it got really loud, and a bunch of shit kept happening on the scoreboard. And of course, Chevrolet ruined the game AGAIN by twice coming on to the field inbetween innings, by driving on to the field, and then the little sluts start throwing a shitty t-shirt into the crowd. I screamed, "Get off the field!!! You're ruining it for everyone!! I don't need your crappy t-shirt! I don't need more clutter in my life!!" as I watched two worn-out trucks who are like 4 years old and yet have like 0 on the speedometer from all of the backwards and forwarding. Eventually Jerry Owens (future?) got a basehit with the bases loaded and the Sox eventually won 10-0 over the Royals. This was also the 2nd consecutive 3-hit shutout game the Sox staff has thrown. I had a great time. Tho there was one particular incident, where someone hit a foul ball to the 3rd base side, about 10-15 rows below us on the 1st deck, it bounced on the steps and landed on someone, only the stupid motherfucker threw the ball back onto the field!!! Who the fuck throws away a foul ball???! That had Cubs fan-stink all over it. Idiot. |
| > Sunday September 30th, 2007 < "During my Summer, all I got was this lousy frozen pizza to eat because my mother was too busy working on her tan." Well it's Sunday and I'm watching the Bears game. Bears made a big mistake attempting a 52-yard field goal (just punt it) and it gets blocked, and then a run back & a penalty, and the Lions started on the Bears 27. I don't remember if the Lions got their 3 on that or not, because there has been so many changes of possession in this game, tho not likely. 7-3 Halftime Bears. Griese is quarterback. So what have we learned so far? The score should be 10-0 or 14-0 Bears, but due to some shitty officiating, that didn't happen. And of course, Cedric Benson looks like shit / soft. And the Lions are making lots of mistakes, because, well, they're the Lions, that's what they do. And the Bears receivers keep dropping passes, and now Griese has twice thrown an interception on what would had been a touchdown. Hey now, what the fuck is going on here?? Is the real Brian Griese tied up in the locker room and Rex put on a Griese jersey?? Whoa, man. Wow, twice Detroit lined up offsides, that's pretty pathetic. Man, look at Cedric Benson bounce off the Lion's defense like a tennis ball against a wall! Ah, 10-3 Bears. One thing I can tell you, is if I was a football player, especially in the NFL, I would not take opponents celebrations very well at all. If you sacked my QB on 3rd down and started celebrating, I would kick my foot right up your asshole, and use my spikes to tear open your legs, and of course, I would be screaming profanity and starting fights, because I would be having 'roid rage, being the big and dumb reckless "by all means necessary" football player that I would be. And of course, I'd be suspended by the league, meet Roger Goodell, be told my suspension, and I'd say "Ahhhhh fuck you" right to his face. Oh what's this shit? Delay of Game after Hester spiked the ball on a 30-yard punt return? What fucking lame-ass NFL rules. I think somebody needs to tell the Bears that pre-season is over and it's time to start playing like an NFL team and not some shitty 1-15 team. I mean, if you lose to the Lions, that's just plain-ass sorry. 13-3 Bears at the end of the 3rd quarter. Oh shit, Griese interception-TD, and it's 17-13 Lions. Oh god. OH HELL YEAH! 97-yard Devin Hester kickoff return! 20-17 Bears! Shit. 24-20 Lions. 30-20 Lions, and the Bears blocked the PAT with 3:34 left, which makes it a 10 point game still. I can't believe the Bears are going to lose to the Lions and fall to 1-3. That's just not fucking right. Touchdown Bears! 30-27! Oh come ON. Fucking onside kick recovered by Detroit and taken back for a touchdown??? That never happens!!! 37-27 Final. Ok then. Brian Griese's stats: 34 for 52, 286 yds, 65.4%, 7 sacks, 52+ ydsL, 2 TD, 3 INT. Wow. And of course, the running game was abandoned because it sucks. Griese looked REALLY rusty. Passes thrown too late, didn't know the routes, lacked judgement, missed guys by a LOT. And unfortunately, the Bears gave up an NFL record of 34 points in a 4th quarter. Ugh. Next week the Bears travel to Green Bay to play the Packers on Sunday night at 7:15pm on NBC. It is the last day of the regular season in baseball, and the N.L. East and Wild Card still hasn't been settled, and as of 2:43pm, the Mets are on the brink of the worst collapse in MLB history. I heard their fielding was atrocious this month and they gave up 7 runs to the 90-loss Marlins in the 1st inning today. And it looks like the Padres are going to make the playoffs with a win. Oh! Milwaukee comes back and gets a lead on the Padres! And the Mets are officially eliminated! Oh what a joke. Oh dear, Milwaukee has scored 9, the Padres are going to lose, and if the Rockies beat the D-Bags, they will be a 1-game playoff tomorrow in Colorado. And that has happened. And at least I have the comfort that I will not be able to watch any more Cubs games on TV for the rest of the year. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! Juan Uribe swings at a pitch near his head on a 3-2 count to hopefully strike out for the final time as a White Sox player!! And the White Sox '07 season is over. |
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