September 16th - 30th, 2005 - Untitled Daily Column Project

<| Friday September 30th, 2005 |> �we had to move away because our neighbor was a cartoonist.�

Day 80: --

Some other but obscure NFL penalties.:

20 yard penalty: helmet off on the field
10 yard penalty: uniform wet
15 yard penalty for jersey and pant stripes not lined up
5 yard penalty for being an asshole
15 yard penalty for excess from excess endzone celebrating over 30 seconds.
5 yard penalty: too much tape on fingers.
20 yard penalty / loss of down: home crowd too loud.
25 yard personal foul penalty: dropping syringe on field
15 yard penalty / ejection from game: excessive taunting
10 yard penalty for resuming play too quickly during TV timeout
5 yard penalty because head coach made stupid play call
Game misconduct / ejection / 4 game suspension: player not wearing official sponsor�s shoe, sweatband or sock.
15 penalty personal foul for stepping on Official's flag.

<| Thursday September 29th, 2005 |> �Be careful. But of course, if you die�I can replace you.�

Day 79: --

Oh shit. Well the first fatality of the 2-week old television season came to me on Wednesday nights at 8, the stupid-comedy of �Head Cases� was canceled after only two episodes. I mean, it wasn�t that bad, it was funny to see two stupid lawyers go crazy for nothing. I mean, Fox gave up so quickly on it for no reason and�.. oh� it was put up against �Lost�.

Well the White Sox clinched their second division title this decade today which I listened to on the radio. Yeah, none of that bullshit wild card shit for us. Tho it would be nice to win a game in the playoffs and this team succeed inspite of Idiot Ozzie. Actually, this season....it was a lot more to do with the other teams screwing up more. This offensive couldn�t have been more gaunt. And how far will this team go into the playoffs? Well, first off, they have home-field advantage for the entire playoffs, including WS, which is not good news for a team with the best road-record in MLB. Go figure, eh? The team is starting to hit better now, but the over-use of the bullpen worries me. The team will be an underdog for the entire playoffs, rightfully so. I don�t know. It could be a quick week.

<| Friday September 16th, 2005 |> "stupid love is the only kind of love there is."

Day 66: --

NFL fans: biggest idiots in the world.

You try to hold a conversation with an NFL fan, and what do you get? A whole lot of jibberish. "oh no, they cut our 2002 # 1 pick! how could they!". You ask them how the season will go, and you'll hear "10 and 6! 11 and 5! 9 and 7!" give me a break. I pity your greasy buffalo-wing sauce stained fingers and couches. "QB this, offensive coordinator that, Head coach this, old head coach that." Enough already! Stop drawing comparisons to prior teams and rosters! Baseball teams play an NFL season 10 times over in a year, and nobody ever dwells on how "the first 4 games went", and baseball plays their games faster than any NFL game, too.

The problem with the NFL is, it's all hype, very little substance and a whole lot of standing around,. I can guess that over 80% of NFL fans can't name all of the positions of a football team or name 10 to 20 players (or 5) on the roster. These people are rooting and screaming and spending hundreds of dollars a year on their team, but do they really know what they're rooting for?, or can tell a nickle defense or spot a running back sweep or an I-formation? I doubt most can. They just cheer like mindless idiots whenever the halfback breaks the line of scrimmage or every incomplete pass the opponent QB makes. Nevermind the most annoying thing is most NFL players don't play with an ounce of class and the official throws the flag & blows the whistle way too often. Players are too busy showboating and dancing after every single catch and tackle, or endorsing some soup with their fat mama or shoving lard down their fat throats. Or for the fact that the NFL is so god damned fat, slow and old that EVERY single long play is called back on penalties. Conspiracy? Conspiracy driven by revenue? Yes. Imagine if there was a Cardinals / Jaguars Super Bowl. The NFL would ram their heads into a brick wall.

I voice a statement against the status quo of the NFL, and I'm met with a bunch of ass-scratching and fart-minded rhetorical criticism and oratory. "How can you think that!" "you're wrong, but I can't [fathom] why because I don't have the [brain capacity]!" "Cheerleaders are hot and you're gay." "You're wrong, but I can't think of anything to counter it so here's some [oratory]!" "Last year the opponent's defense was ranked #4 on 3rd down and long when the team was leading by 10 or less & the receiver went to Boise St !" You have any idea how little that means to me? I have more regard and respect towards the toilet paper that wipes my ass after i take a shit on the fucking toilet.

And let me tell you something: "Cheerleaders are stupid, and people who like them are stupid because they're stupid and it is stupid." And anyone who supports them, or need prepping up during a game because their precious team is losing, well maybe you need to get a life. There is no way a cheerleader would ever sleep with you, because you have no chance in hell of ever getting laid by one, because they prefer drug-addict chauvinist women beating steroid enhanced fat men athletes or women over you.

Please. My superior intellect baseball mind blows away your pee-sized NFL brains away. My season may be too long, but at least we spend more in a week paying attention than you do in an entire season.

Suck it!

And if I was a college coach with the football team down 38-0 before halftime while at the opponents home field of 100,000 fans, I wouldn't drag my team back out on the field. I'd forfeit that fucker and piss off all the fans. Unless of course my school was bribing the shitty team to be my whipping boy and take a fall on their ass. Oh I forgot, in college, it's not whether you win or lose, but it's how much you win by.

<| Saturday September 17th, 2005 |> "naw, I don't eat that shit..gives me the diarrhea!"

Day 67: -- 1223. dylan - time passes slowly -- 1276. Bob Dylan - Buckets Of Rain

Notre Dame LOSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There's two things I love about college football: OT rules, and the option. GO OPTION! Heheheh MSU just planted their flag on ND's like 45 yard line. Fucking stabbed that fucker right into the ground! As for college pick 'ems, I only got 4 out of 20 games wrong (and they were for only 2, 3, 4 and 5 points) so it was pretty good for me.

Wow, what a great day. I got to shoot some hoops, ate some fish 'n chips, and Minnesota just owned the Sox and gave me a nice 42 point boost in Baseball Challenge. Plus the lead is down to 3 1/2 games. Yeah, here's a tip for you White Sox players: teams who don't score runs.....don't win ballgames!

Let's see.... what else.... ah yes, at the end of Mad-TV I saw this old late 80s FM-Loop commercial of the fat man in a cap & short-shorts dancing behind a brick wall while Aerosmith's "Walk This Way" played. So yeah, it's still the same shitty old commercial for the same old shitty radio station. I'm sure anyone who still listens to that station has some serious brain malfunction.

Oh ya, don't bother watching SNL this season. It's the same exact shitty cast (ugh) with same shitty writers (ugh) with the same stupid Tina Fey after giving birth to her demon scion is returning in November (ugh). I can't believe they didn't get a new cast! What exactly worked from last year?? Nothing, that's what. And I never heard such a quiet audience during skits in my life. I say this every year, but come on, you need to turn-over!

<| Sunday September 18th, 2005 |> "then we'll sail them out to sea, and sink the boat."

Day 68: -- 1277. Bob Dylan and The Band - This Wheel's On Fire -- 1295. Bob Dylan - Don't Think Twice, It's All Right

Gasoline Blues
By D. Rudager

i long for the old days
when a man could run
fill up his tank and flee
seats stuffed with napkins and gun

gas was cheaper than milk
but we still stole it anyway
lots of fast stops and starts
all along the way

then one day the cops came to the door
and kicked the motherfucker to the floor
and said, "you be stealing gas no more"
I says "leave me alone, i'm poor!"

pump it pump it pump it pump it pump it pump it pump it pump it
pump it pump it pump it pump it pump it pump it pump it pump it

You throw me, into the cell
I want you all to burn in hell
I want some gas.

yeeeeeeeeah....
some gas.

I'm free and running around far
i stole your gas and stole your car
I want some gas

yeah

You can shove your cowboys and westerns up your ass
I finger yo' woman and use her car's gas
I want some gas
yeeeeeeeah

pump it pump it pump it pump it pump it pump it pump it pump it
pump it pump it pump it pump it pump it pump it pump it pump it
yeah!

pump that fucking gas!
fucking drive that car fast!
drive it all night long!
Don't care if it wrong!
oh fucking god, ants!
gas is only .69 cents!

I want my cheap gasoline.
Gasssssssolinnnnnnnnne blues.
Yeeeeeeeeeeah, stealing that cheap gas!
gas-o.... gas-o-line blues
gas-o.... gas-o-line blues
gas-o.... gas-o-line blues
stealin', stealin', stealin', stealin'......

END 9/18/05

<| Sunday September 25th, 2005 |> "Hey. Hey! Who pooped on the floor?!"

Day 75: -- 1475. Grateful Dead - All New Minglewood Blues -- 1499. Grateful Dead - Black Peter

**loud TV commercial begins blaring**

"The NFL!

The game!

The ball!

The action!
The referees!
The fatness!
The slowness!
Mistake prone!
The stupid fans!
the wasting of money!
The endless commercials!
The garbage consumed!
The incomplete pass!
The stupid coaching!
The illegal betting!
The flags!
The TV-time outs! **home crowd moans**
The steroids!
The cheaters!
The terrible Over-Time!
The wife beaters!
The stealing!
The shooting!
The indictment!
The imprisoning!
The injuries!
The losing!
The idiocy of it all!

Watch...the N....F.....L!

on FUX!!!"

"No."

Well, what can I say? Let's hear it for your 3-0 Cincinnati Bengals and your 1-2 Chicago Bears. And you know what the sick thing is? ORTON! threw 4 int's in the 1st half, and yet, it was still a winnable game at 10-0. And the key to this loss? The defense / special teams didn't score any points. Tsk tsk. But these aren't the same Bengals I grew into pimples and pubic hair with. They went 8-8 last year and it's a different team with a good QB and a trash-talking WR who apparently is as good as he says he is. Oh god, I couldn't care less.

<| Wednesday September 21st, 2005 |> "calculated boredom"
calculated boredom.�

Day 71: 1356. Elvis Costello & the Attractions - Oliver's Army -- 1363. Elvis Costello & the Attractions - Moods for Moderns

Berenstain Bears in......... "Lessons learned"

Mama: "And that"s why we should ALWAYS lock the door!"

Papa, Brother & Sister: **dejected** "Yes, mama."

**doorbell rings. Mama opens the door**

lady: "Hello, I am Mrs.Tumultuous and we are hosting a pot luck fundraiser for the recently collapsed PBP's, home of the pre-made peanut butter & pickle sandwich shop, which finally decayed after all these years."

Papa: "PBP's is gone??!"

Brother: "Wasn't PBP's built on top of a county dump & infested with pigeons and rats?"

Sister: "Sounds pretty stupid to me!"

Mrs. Tumultuous: "annnnnnnyway, we'd would just absolutely LOVE IT if you'd donate $120 each and volunteer 14 hours a day for the next 8 days to get the PBP's right back where it belongs!"

Mother: "um, I'm not sure we can make it..."

Mrs. Tumultuous: "PBP's is just SO IMPORTANT to the people and everybody else is doing SO MUCH."

Mama: "I think we have some prior commitments that we REALLY can't get out of, and.."

Mrs. Tumultuous: "..Farmer Bob is going to be there, Pastor Dan will be matching blood donations with his own blood, "One Legged" Jimmy will be running in the 5K run...."

Mama: **getting annoyed** "I just don't think we can make it."

Mrs. Tumultuous: "...we are all going to be working from 6am straight till 8pm, working tirelessly without breaks and..."

Mama: **pissed** "Alright, FINE! We'll be there!!!" **slams door**

Mama: **growls** "I can't stand the overbearing pushiness & intrusiveness of some people!!"

Brother: "Way to cave in to threatening guilt tactics, Mama."

Papa: "Well I guess I won't be eating deep fried salmon 'n chips & chugging Bear Beer on the couch this weekend."

4 days later.

The Berenstain Bears arrive at what once PBP's, and see many tables of food and an empty bare stage around the rubble.

Mrs. Tumultuous **approaches**: "Oh Papa Bear, we NEED you to build our props for our play!"

Papa: **shrugs** (reluctantly) "Sigh. Alright."

Mrs. Tumultuous: "Mama, we need you and your cubs to help cook, prepare and serve the food for all 200 of our volunteers!!"

Mama: "Oh greeeeeeeeat."

3 very long and tiring hours later.

Sister: "I can't feel my arms anymore!"

Brother: "I am so god damned tired!"

Mama: "Brother!! Well we can't stop now, I need more help preparing the dishes!"

Papa **approaches**: "and I need help building the stage & props! It seems like I'm the only one here who knows how to pound in a damn nail with a hammer!"

Brother: "Why in the hell are we even doing this? It's not like we even NEED the fucking store! And their sandwiches are awful!"

**both Papa & Mama look at Brother**

Papa: "Well we all just can't back down. Everyone is counting on us! We made a promise!"

Mama: **winches** "arrrrrrrgh my back!!!"

Papa: **hand brushes pocket** "oops! I forgot to give them our $480 donation!"

Brother: **drools** "Look at all of our money!!" **drools**

Mama: "Oh dear, what should we do?"

Brother: "There's only one logical thing to do."

Brother: "....say "fuck you" to everyone and screw everyone over."

**pause**

Sister: "Yeah, let's quit. This is too much work, anyway."

Mama & Papa agree, and the Berenstain Bears drop whatever they're holding and storm out while muttering various remarks and profanities.

-o-

The Berenstain Bears are back home sitting in the den.

Brother: "Hahaha, boy am I glad we're not at that stupid fundraiser!"

Sister: "Why should stupid people benefit from our hard work??"

Mama: "Those things are so stupid, anyway. "Oh here, you must try my crappy cloves 'n vinegar salad!" I mean, who in the hell in their right minds would like that crap??"

Brother: "Hey, guess what! I'm bored! But at least I'm not at that stupid pot luck fundraiser!"

**everyone laughs**

Mama: "I"m just sitting here, knitting a scarf that I'm not even going to wear because it's turning out so poorly, but at least I'm not at that fundraiser!"

**everyone laughs**

Papa: "I'm about to take a nap! I'm not tired, but at least I'm not at that fundraiser!"

**everyone laughs**

Mama: "Let's break out the vodka and honey squares!!"

2 festive hours later.

Sister **hyper from all of the sugar** : "Isn"t it funny the way we ditched everyone and screwed them over?!!!!"

**everyone laughs**

Brother **also hyper from the sugar** "You know who's having fun because they're not at the pot luck? "Us!"

**everyone laughs**

Papa: **stands up & drunkenly preaches** "We are having SO much FUN and it's ALL because WE got the HELL out of that STUPID pot luck for jerks!"

**everyone laughs**

Mama: **drunken giggles** "I'm going to say something, and I'm not going to care about my reputation or my grammar or if any townsbear is listening, But I think most of the people in this town are total paltry trivial rude idiots!!"

**everyone laughs** **laughing ensues all through the night at the Bear house.**

END

<| Monday September 19th, 2005 |> "nickname your black grampa 'Rasin'"

Day 69: -- 1296. Bob Dylan - You Ain't Goin' Nowhere - 1355. Elvis Costello & the Attractions - Senior Service

Perspective: "Reflection"

I am actually a very neutral person. Most of the time, I have no mood (even if the writing shows otherwise, more on that in a sec). I'm emotionless about 95% of the time, amused 2.5%, pissed off 0.5% and bitter & critical 1% and the other 1% is self-righteous. My writing is like, more like a character than a mood-reflector. I exaggerate sometimes..I blow things bigger than I should, but just for the sheer amusement of such an absurd piece. Would I beat my kids with a stick or belt? Of course not. Would I literally kick them in the ass with my foot or shake them up or yell at them in public? Yep, I sure would.

My "pieces" are constantly evolving and changing, and even after I put them "to print" it still changes. Most people write something and are done with it, but I just can't do that. I'll write bits and thoughts down, and they'll just sit there for weeks and months at a time. I also have writer's block problems. That's why I go days without updating, tho there is some amusement about having a title that is little or never "daily". I tend to spend way too much writing shit; quite literally and figuratively; sometimes hours at a time, but I guess it's better to be doing that than watching the idiot box. And sometimes, I'll write something, but I can't just seem to make it as good as I want it, so I just give up and put it out anyway. It's very frustrating when you can't express what you really want to.

Perspective: "Denial"

I feel the column is getting better and better all the time.

Perspective: "Realization"

Sometimes it's a challenge to come up with new material by general deadlines and it's laborious on where it'll come from or how good it'll be. But then I realize, most of the time, the material wasn't worth writing in the first place, especially when the fine line of entertainment and sheer self-involved venting has been crossed. But it's writing, so there's no limit to how many words you can use, and there's 365 entries a year, so who gives a shit? I tend to take this column more seriously than I should. But it's fun most of the time.

<| Tuesday September 20th, 2005 |>   "giggity giggity giggity giggity giggity giggity giggity..."

Day 70: --

I enjoy being single.

Tho I really have nothing else to compare it to, so I'll go with what I know.
Of course, I lack the constant emotional neediness that comes from dating someone like a normal person. I've read real stories about people who enjoy being single, and it makes me feel better about myself.   I can't stand the stereotype or "duty" that every single person MUST get married and have children. Since when did we get so brainwashed as a society and...oh wait....that was always the norm. Are these people happy? Most of the time, they're not. They feel crippled, stuck, immobilized, cheated, emotionally and physically exhausted, financially strapped and living a life in debt. Why would anyone want that kind of life? I don't know. "Children" is Latin for "accidents".   The reason humanity goes on is because of the stupidity of man. Ironic, isn't it?

And yeah, I'm a cheap bastard. I don't like spending money on "fun", I'm too much about essentials. Personally, I'd rather eat a great meal than blow the money on bowling or a day at the amusement or ball park. And I hate to "go out" just "because" it's Friday night. Tho of course, I have no problem if I'm not the one footing the bill. Who doesn't love a free meal?

I'm also very much into solitude. I like to eat alone, in quiet, with a newspaper, by myself, with nobody to talk to or to try to "keep up pace" because I'm generally a slow eater. This is also because there's nothing great about mindless chatter or arguing during a meal. Way to sour the food.

But single life is great. You can do what you want to do when you want to, you don't have to ask anyone or "check in". You can sleep around all you like, walk around in your underwear or naked (which I don't do either), you can pick your nose, hawk up phlegm, fart all you want, and you don't have to put up with the inane bullshit of indecisiveness, especially when it comes to meals. When you're alone, you don't have to take in account anyone's stupid feelings or making some faux pas.

I grew up spending a lot of time by myself.   That's what happens when you don't have siblings. I feel I'm better equipped to handle "alone time" better than most people. Some people get really soul-scared and nervous when they're alone. Suddenly they have no one to talk to and they panic. So what do they do? They go out and shack it up! I know a few needy people like that, and it's almost sad that they feel insignificant and incomplete unless they have "someone". Of course, me saying that, I'm not the normal one but they are. It's also very important not to get down on yourself because you're alone, and sometimes the urge is frustrating, but you gotta work on it and get through it. I also talk like I've got it all figured out, and I'm far from it.

But, I'll get back to why being single is great. I don't have to worry about stupid petty shit like weekend trips, or gifts on special occasions, or all the drama that goes into it, or putting up with her crazy family and friends. Plus being emotionally detached is great. Tho I'd be more than happy to hear from the counter point side who say how happy they are in their lives with their fuck-buddy.

It's nice to see that the trend is people are waiting longer to get married and having fewer kids. I also believe you should have to be at least 21 to get married (tho 25 would be better). What's the point of getting married so young? What can you do with that you can't do if you're not married? And there is no 21 year old on the planet knows who they want to spend the rest of their life with. Besides, marriage is bullshit, anyway. Marriage is a lawyer's game nowadays. You just better not screw up and keep in line!

<| Saturday September 24th, 2005 |>   "city gets high on sky."

Day 74: 1364. Elvis Costello & the Attractions - Chemistry Class --1474. Grateful Dead - Stagger Lee

And there it is! The Cubs are officially eliminated from post season! And you know what that means! That's right....celebratory shells 'n cheese! Yep....it's a cheesy celebration to another cheesy Cubs season. Let's take a look back on what the Cubs did so horribly wrong this glorious losing season.

Let's start at the beginning in Arizona. In a D-Back blowout, Zambrano gets shelled and becomes one of the first pitchers ever to get ejected after getting taken out of the game (after 4 2/3rds) on the walk to the dugout. That right there, should had been the omen that the Cubs shouldn't bother playing baseball at all this season.

Then, there was the biggest one of them all: Mark Prior going on the DL twice! It seems like forever ago when the whole Tribune world revolved around Prior's early elbow injury, only to come back two months later and get hit with a line drive off the same elbow! Good stuff!

Garciaparra; the little boy who nobody in Boston loved anymore. Nomar immediately broke down, but the ultimate highlight was him slipping out of the batter's box in St. Louis and ripping his groin right off the bone. Good stuff! How ironic that it happened so early in the season in April, thus the irony of the Cubs thinking, 'we'll be that much better this year for having Nomar a full season'. Haha! He's also had some back problems and of course, he is a very old man at 32. I guess they just don't make ballplayers like they used to. **cough Steroids!**

Aramis Ramirez. Signed a big 'ol whopping contract despite being a poor fielder at best, only to rip his quad while running to 1st base! Done and done for the season. Kerry Wood: nobody has been on the team longer than him, and it's finally come to realize that he'll never live up to the hype from his bogus 20-strike out game (which was played in muddy & very wet conditions) and his mechanics are truly horrible, and he'll spend the off-season under the knife.

The Insane Corey Patterson Experiment. What can I say about this kid? He has no fundamentals. He has no business being a baseball player and his favorite pitch is the fastball that's 10 feet above the strikezone. Plus he drops flyballs and falls down a lot. Ah yes, the whole LaTroy 'I don't want to close!' Hawkins fiasco, where the Cubs finally got the feces out of their eyes and saw he had no business being a closer. And of course, we got to see some more lackluster managing by Dusty 'I don't know!' Baker who's eyeing the Dodgers managerial position.

Over 3 million stupid Cubs fans purchased their tickets in February, March and April to watch some losing baseball. The Cubs somehow lead the NL in average and doubles, but yet at the bottom in stolen bases, triples, walks with a horrible record.   And the Cubs will have a losing record at the 'Friendly Confines', where we saw players bitch and moan about what a horrible place it is to play baseball on certain days (wind, sun, clouds, dusk, air; whatever excuse they could come up with). With every loss, you could hear Ron Santo die a bit closer to death.

This team was never seriously in contention for anything, and if it weren't for Derrek Lee being the only offense the Cubs had, they would had been over 25 games out of 1st place come July 31st. This was also a year where we saw two ex-Cub 'Hall of Famers' break down from all of their steroid use in Baltimore. Neither will be back next year for the O's and it's unlikely either will be employed. And what else can I say about this team? It did nothing to help its truly horrible bullpen, the starting pitching was average at best, and this was one of the worst clutch teams in MLB.   The Cubs have a lot of money to spend with this offseason, tho there's only two things stopping them: a weak free agent market and the lack of brain capacity to make a better team.

This is always the most savory of shells n' cheese meals!

<| Thursday September 22nd, 2005 |>   "my god what an ugly baby."

Day 72: --

"...And that's another thing... the Media! We don't need 'em! We don't need newspapers and magazines to give us info! Newspaper columns suck and most journalists are hacks! We can make up our own damn news stories with our OWN mis-information!   And we can write whatever we want, make it as biased and one-sided and laden with as much vulgarity and profanity as we damn well want!

And our stuff is way more interesting, too. What's makes your newspaper column so god damn special in the first place? It's a lot of recycled drivel. It's funny how you could use the same column 5 times a year and nobody would notice. I enjoy commentaries way more than general news. I enjoy reading people's comments more than one man preaching some word like a gospel minister.

And the Internet Boom pissed off a lot of "serious" media people, who envy those of us because we didn't need their fancy journalistic degrees and shit who can report the news just as good as them or better. You can call it a "monopoly" if you want to. They illustrated this point on a Simpson's episode, where Homer became "Mr X" and started his own blog of underground news and ended up being widely hailed, which started off good but got lost in a messy horrible irrelevant plot.

So we'll make up our own damn news! And it'll be a ton better! And look! Here's some more stupid news now!

"Stupid White Sox Manager Ozzie Guillen has said that "some people want me to start McCarthy in the first game of the playoffs. That's stupid."

I'll tell you what's stupid, stupid. YOU, stupid! Stupid dumb stupid ass. Stupid man Stupid-Ozzie went on to say,

"McCarthy has been here what....10 days, 20 days? **shakes head** Crazy, man."

So I'm going to tell you why it's stupid not to start McCarthy and why you're hypocritically stupid. You've said all year that you would start whoever was the hottest pitcher at the time. Well let's see, Buehrle, Garland, Garcia and El Duque have ALL fucking tanked their starts for the past 2 months, giving up an average of 4 to 7 runs per start. And guess what! McCarthy, who hasn't started since Sept 5th, has almost 15 straight scoreless starter innings (against Texas & Boston, mind you) and has been consistent in the bullpen since you absolutely refused to go to a 6-man rotation. You say shit like "oh he's only been here 10 days, I've got guys here for 5 months." So the FUCK what!   What does it matter how long a guy has been on the roster, if he's playing well, you play him! You don't do something stupid (like you are) like stick struggling batters in the most important spots in a lineup for "just because". You're a stupid man. Everybody now see's your smokescreen projectored 3-D mirage and see a very incapable, unqualified, unknowledgeable, unstable manager who took a huge lead for granted and refused to field the best possible team he could. What's so funny about your stupid ways is that not one of your precious mediocre bench players has started in the past 10 games. Your playoff rotation (assuming you actually MAKE the stupid playoffs) should start with Contreras and McCarthy. After that, it's a coin toss. It's people like you, who have your priorities in the wrong place and your despicable personality that makes people root against your stupid ass.

And oh ya, stop using 6 relievers a game, Stupid!

Oh my god, you stated "....but intimated McCarthy was a long shot to make the postseason roster" OH MY GOD! Stupid!!"

<| Friday September 23rd, 2005 |> "my band died in a crash!"

Day 73: --

Ah, last night. This was the kind of night where you turned off the internet (aka got booted) and turned on the radio late at night and listened to a team blow what was a very winnable & critical game. You had Cy Younger Santana (4-0, 0.86 ERA vs Sox) pitching vs. rookie McCarthy, which we all like but probably wasn't going to win this game. Well it turns out, both pitchers pitched 8 innings and both only gave up 4 hits and 1 run.

So then, what happened? Stupid shit. That's what happened. The Sox could have won the game 2-1 in either the 8th, 9th or 10th innings with runners in scoring position. Shit, in the 9th, they had the bases loaded, one out, and all they needed was a pop-fly! And they didn't get it! Eventually the Twins won it in the 11th, which tv showed the Sox fans streaming for the exits by the 10's of thousands like a marching army.

After the game, Ozzie began crying and later admitted that he's nervous all of the time, throws up after losses, gets whiny because the fans are booing him, trashes his office, and stated if the Sox win the World Series, he will retire. And said something like, "I don't have to be a manager. I could be at shows signing autographs and making a lot more money than putting up with this shit!"

Awwwwwww.... ....poor crybaby Ozzie has an upset stomach because us Sox fans "booed" ?

"Booooooooooooooooooooo!
Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Boo! Boo! BOOO! Boo, Ozzie, boo!
You've ruined my summerrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"

If you can't take the heat, then get out of the kitchen. You've taken way too much credit, and you have no business being a manager. Go ahead. LEAVE! We don't care. We don't need your A.D.D-bi-polar-hissy fits-jester-theatrics shit and you need a Psychiatrist & meds in the worst way. LEAVE.

<| Wednesday September 28th, 2005 |> "you are not my friend."

Day 78:1569. Jimi Hendrix - Red House -- 1572. Jimi Hendrix - Up From The Skies

Let's Do The Bad Idea
By D. Rudager

let's do the bad idea
let's do the bad idea
let's do the bad idea

pay for fast food
then drive away

let's do the bad idea
let's do the bad idea
let's do the bad idea

let's steal a car
from a one-legged woman
let's shoot the bad idea
let's shoot the bad idea
let's shoot the bad idea

let's smoke in bed
let's smoke in bed
let's do the bad idea
let's do the bad idea

let's sleep in for the football game
and eat bacon grilled cheese

let's shoot the bad idea
let's shoot the bad idea

I'm doing the bad idea
I'm doing the bad idea
let's shoot the bad idea

let's mix ammonia and bleach
and make mustard gas

let's do the bad idea
let's do the bad idea

let's pick up a hitchhiker
with a gun in his guitar case

let's shoot the bad idea
let's shoot the bad idea

driving on the left side of the roads
and we're lickin' the back, of the toads

let's do the bad idea
let's do the bad idea

let's bet against the home team
and kidnap the starting pitcher

let's do the bad idea
let's do the bad idea

let's dye our hair
and move into an apartment
and gargle glass
and throw lawn darts into the air!

let's do the bad idea
let's do the bad idea

I said, let's do the bad idea!
let's do the bad idea!
bad idea, bad idea, bad idea, bad idea,
it's a....
bad idea, bad idea, bad idea, bad idea,
I'm doing the bad idea!
yeah!

END 9/29/05

<| Monday September 26th, 2005 |> "go Stupid Team!"

Day 76: -- 1500. Grateful Dead - Easy Wind -- 1534. Guns N' Roses - Get in the Ring

(I'm no) Microwave Chef
By: me

reality shows
you're a dinosaur,
I have no face
yeah I'm a dinosaur
born in a wrong time in a wrong place

things were so much simpler yesteryear
when a button and a click wasn't around
zapping into a modern passage of ease.
turning dials & excess frowned.

but now I'm lost and confused
but you didn't say anything
I didn't know
it's hard to recognize you
my time is up, I gotta go

I'll catch you later.

I'm no microwave chef
I ain't no microwave chef

locked in a paramounted drought
I'm paranoidly group awared
I'm seeing and hearing things that don't even exist
blinding paranoia flared

outside in the distant darkness,
is a semi's wheels howling on concrete ground
with loot carrying on
hopped up on pills and chemicals
drudging going to a place, we'll never know.

carried along in my mind
and discreted contingencies
my ways have excluded me
from the parliaments of ecstasies.

I get along, the only way I know.

I'm no microwave chef
I ain't no microwave chef

the insignificance, of it all
I'm paranoidly inclined

Then one day I wake up in Texas
flowing all around
I know nothing of anything
or of the ground.

I'm a howling monkey in a whore house
I can't get it all along.
I'm just a jester
oozing in the town

END 9/27/05

<| Tuesday September 27th, 2005 |> "I hear my race is dying out."

Day 77: -- 1535. Guns N' Roses - Knockin' on Heaven's Door-- 1568. Jimi Hendrix - Remember

Crazy Dad sitcom pilot script

Wife runs into the kitchen.

wife: "Honey, I'm going to need you to take out the trash, clean the gutters, mow the lawn, pull the weeds, trim the hedges and walk the dog because I have to meet the gals at the all-day spa."

crazy dad: **throws up in mouth & chokes for a bit** "oh, alright."

**daughter walks into the kitchen** "Hi, daddy!" **gives smooch on crazy dad's cheek**

crazy dad: "how's my little Princess this morning?"

daughter: "Daddy, can I have the keys to the car?"

crazy dad: "Sure, kitten!" **hands her the keys**

daughter: "Love you!" **runs out of kitchen & house**

teenage son: "well, I'm off to Tommy's. Bye." **gets up from chair**

crazy dad: **grabs son by collar** "Where in the hell do you think you're going, shithead! Sit your ass back down!"

son: "ow!"

crazy dad: "You got chores to do! Lots of them! You can start with trimming the hedges and mowing the lawn!"

son: "Oh come on! Didn't mom tell you do to THOSE chores?!"

crazy dad: **kicks son's chair so he falls out** "Get to work! Get out of my sight!"

Later that day, crazy dad is sitting in his lazy chair in the den and son & daughter enter the den.

daughter: "Daddy, the gas tank is getting a bit low and I think the right rear tire needs some air. Plus I need a few bucks for shopping."

crazy dad: "Why of course, honey! I'll get started on that right now!" **gets up** "You can use my credit card too, sweetness!" **hand her the card**

daughter: "Thanks, daddy!"

son: "dad, can I please have a few bucks to rent a movie?"

crazy dad: "NO!"

son: "why not??"

crazy dad: "Because I said so! Don't you DARE question my authority!"

son: "man!"

Cut to later scene of crazy dad and wife walking down sidewalk side-by-side; arms locked

young guy: **catcalls** "Ow, baby! What's a hot piece of ass doing with a spaz like him?!"

wife: "Oh why THANK YOU!" **bats eyes**

another guy walks by: "holy fucking SHIT, you are one fucking hot bitch!"

wife: **laughs** "Haha, I love you too!" **shakes ass**

wife: **to husband** "I never get tired of hearing that!"

crazy dad: "I'm gettin' a lttle sick of that."

wife: "Oh honey, c'mon!" **makes waving-it-off hand gesture a few times**

crazy dad: "grrrrrrrr. Hey, let's go see that new flick with the dude in it."

wife: "Oh honey you stupid idiot! **slaps arm** That's not coming out until next weekend! Haha, I swear if it weren't for your neck your head would be stuck in your ass, you moron! Haha!"

crazy dad: "Oh yeah, that"s right."

Cut to later scene of crazy dad and son spending some quality time together playing football in the backyard.

crazy dad: **drops back to pass** "Alright, son! Go 8 yards and cut a short slant in!" **waits & throws football**

son: **barely runs out to the short slant route & drops the ball**

crazy dad: "Oh Jesus!!" **puts hands on face and violently winches & pleads** "That pass couldn't had been more perfect!"

son: **dogs it on the field**

crazy dad: "Alright, that's it, you're gonna run some laps! 50 of them!"

son: **starts jogging**

crazy dad: "Run! Run faster, god damn it! Run!!!" **grabs a crabapple from a tree and chucks it at son and nails him in the back**

son: **panting & stops** "stop riding my ass so hard, you old sonavabitch!"

crazy dad: **runs up to son & kicks his ass with foot** "I didn't say "stop"! Run 300 more laps, shithead!"

son: **starts running and panting again** "oh shit!"

crazy dad: "Watch your fucking mouth, you stupid kid!"

wife: **shouts from window** "Honey, where'd you put the cable bill?"

crazy dad: "I put it on your desk, dear."

wife: "well I don't see it, you fat idiot! And if I don't see it, then the thing is not there, now, is it? And clean up your mess in the kitchen! And I need you to go to the store and pick up some mushrooms, milk, lemons, sour cream, some dill spice and some tampons!"

crazy dad: "I'll get right on that, dear."

wife: "oh, and my mother is coming to visit us for the next 8 weeks while they fumigate the mold from her house, so go to the Bullseye and pick up some cheap dress shirts and slacks!"

crazy dad: "alright, no problem."

The Aftermath: So yeah, I sent this script into ABC & CBS, and they both wrote back and responded, "Yeah this show should be called "Every Single Family Sitcom That Ever Existed On Television". But of course they both purchased the pilot so now there's that dilemma.

<| Friday September 30th, 2005 |> "we had to move away because our neighbor was a cartoonist."

Day 80: --

Some other but obscure NFL penalties.:

20 yard penalty: helmet off on the field
10 yard penalty: uniform wet
15 yard penalty for jersey and pant stripes not lined up
5 yard penalty for being an asshole
15 yard penalty for excess from excess endzone celebrating over 30 seconds.
5 yard penalty: too much tape on fingers.
20 yard penalty / loss of down: home crowd too loud.
25 yard personal foul penalty: dropping syringe on field
15 yard penalty / ejection from game: excessive taunting
10 yard penalty for resuming play too quickly during TV timeout
5 yard penalty because head coach made stupid play call
Game misconduct / ejection / 4 game suspension: player not wearing official sponsor's shoe, sweatband or sock.
15 penalty personal foul for stepping on Official's flag.

<| Thursday September 29th, 2005 |> "Be careful. But of course, if you die...I can replace you."

Day 79: --

Oh shit. Well the first fatality of the 2-week old television season came to me on Wednesday nights at 8, the stupid-comedy of "Head Cases" was canceled after only two episodes. I mean, it wasn't that bad, it was funny to see two stupid lawyers go crazy for nothing. I mean, Fox gave up so quickly on it for no reason and....oh.... it was put up against "Lost".

Well the White Sox clinched their second division title this decade today which I listened to on the radio. Yeah, none of that bullshit wild card shit for us. Tho it would be nice to win a game in the playoffs and this team succeed inspite of Idiot Ozzie. Actually, this season....it was a lot more to do with the other teams screwing up more. This offensive couldn't have been more gaunt. And how far will this team go into the playoffs? Well, first off, they have home-field advantage for the entire playoffs, including WS, which is not good news for a team with the best road-record in MLB. Go figure, eh? The team is starting to hit better now, but the over-use of the bullpen worries me. The team will be an underdog for the entire playoffs, rightfully so. I don't know. It could be a quick week.

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