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| > Sunday April 1st, 2007 < �The price of ginger has caused us to relocate.� Alright, here we go again. The Untitled Daily Column Project is back and it still has no name. Opening Day is tomorrow, and I�ll have my baseball picks up shortly. A few thoughts on this season: I have no idea who will win the World Series. The N.L. East is up for either the Mets or Phillies, the Central is so wide open the Milwaukee Brewers could win it, and the West is the usual borefest. The A.L. East will be for the nth time Red Sox vs Yankees. The theory going around is that the A.L. Central is going to have 4 first place teams in it. However, Minnesota lost two starting pitchers, Cleveland has like no bullpen or solid starter past the # 2, and the Tigers will inevitably be strained with tired and overused arms like last season�s White Sox, and Kenny Rogers will miss at least half the season. So basically, it�s the White Sox division to lose, and if people, especially the starting pitching and especially Mark Buehrle start tanking, then the Sox will finish either 3rd or 4th. I didn�t even bat an eyelash when Ozzie Guillen said he wanted Carlos Zambrano in a Sox uniform next season. Completely unrealistic, the Sox will never give out a contract for more than 3 years and they refuse to pay free agent pitchers (it�s all cheap and young from here out). Suffice to say, I wasn�t too thrilled of trading Freddy Garcia over the Winter, but apparently his velocity is still down and Kenny pulled a turd-on-your-face trade with the Phillies, and luck have it, the Phillies play in the most homer-friendly park. I�m still pretty pissed off about the McCarthy trade with Texas, turns out the Sox didn�t like his �attitude� and other stupid shit. Well shit, if I was a starting pitcher and I got stuck in the bullpen while a crappy pitcher like Javier Vazquez pitched in my place, I�d be pissed off too. I�ll tell you about the White Sox: if you don�t get along and kiss their asses no matter how big of a jerk or how stupid they are or how warped their being of logic is, you won�t be on the team, no matter how good you are or what you�ve done for them. Also on Monday, we�ll have a new NCAA Basketball Champion. I don�t ever recall the Championship being on the same day as Opening Day. Two major events shouldn�t happen on the same day. But anyways, the blog is back. In conclusion: Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul. Billy Madison: Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine. |
| > Monday April 2nd, 2007 < �Chicago Train Derailment Blues� And now, my 2007 picks: A.L. West ANA TEX OAK SEA N.L. West LAD SD SF ARI COL * - Wild Card ALDS: NYY over ANA in 3 ALWC: CHW over BOS in 5 ALCS: NYY over CHW in 6 NLDS: NYM over LAD in 4 NLWC: PHI over HOU in 3 NLCS: PHI over NYM in 6 WS: NYY over PHI in 6. What is my reasoning behind this? I don�t know. Quite honestly, I could reverse any of those combinations, and I�d say potentially anyone of those teams could win it all. All it takes is a hot streak. I�m wary of picking a Philly team to win it all, since they tend to choke the most. I say teams that are headed for a huge crash this year are: OAK, WAS, PIT, ATL, MIN and BAL. In a happy world, the Devil Rays would qualify for a Wild Card and the Brewers would win the N.L. Central, with the D-Backs suddenly taking charge of the N.L. West and the White Sox start off April with 19 wins. Of course, none of this will ever happen, and it will be the same boring shit again this year. Yeah the Yankee�s Opening Day pitcher Carl Pavano hasn�t pitched since mid �05 and you�d love to see that pitching staff completely fall apart, but that stupid lineup of theirs will keep them in every game all summer. And now, we bring our attention to this matter: 755. The once-thought unreachable and most prestigious of all sports records is now a mere fart away from being broken. Karma will be doing everything it can through the people involved to make sure this doesn�t happen (maybe a little help from Karma�s cousin, �Superstition�, and his sister, �Coincidence�). I can honestly say that if Bonds breaks that homerun record, we can officially burn the record book, because it will be completely useless & I will never believe a single record ever again nor will I ever defend a single stat ever again. And I hope that if you get the Extra Innings package, that you have Direct TV, otherwise you�re completely shit out of luck. Way to fuck your fans up the ass, MLB. |
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| A.L. Central
CHW DET CLE MIN KC N.L. Central HOU STL MIL CIN CHC PIT |
| A.L. East
NYY BOS * TOR TB BAL N.L. East PHI NYM * FLA ATL WAS |
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| > Tuesday October 2nd, 2007 < "'I went to NAPA and all I got was crushed by a monster truck.'" If you have $168 million, you can buy the Chicago Blackhawks, currently ranked 12th. Team is not for sale, tho you'll have to wonder once the Wirtz boys right the ship, the value should climb up. How'd the Maple Leafs get to be # 1 after having not won a title in forever? Probably that new arena is loaded with incentives. Of course, these Forbes numbers are only estimates and their validly has been questioned. Here's the lists for all 4 pro sports: http://www.forbes.com/lists/2006/33/Value_1.html http://www.forbes.com/lists/2007/30/biz_07nfl_NFL-Team-Valuations_Value.html http://www.forbes.com/lists/2006/32/biz_06nba_NBA-Team-Valuations_Value.html http://www.forbes.com/lists/2006/31/biz_06nhl_NHL-Team-Valuations_Rank.html Where the Chicago teams worth and rank in their sport: Chicago White Sox $315 million (18th) Chicago Cubs $448 million (4th) (rumors have $1 billion depending if Wrigley Field is included) Chicago Bears $984 million (7th) Chicago Bulls $461 million (4th) Chicago Blackhawks $168 million (12th) Cheapest of all: Washington Capitals at $127 million. Most expensive: Dallas Cowboys at $1.5 billion |
| > Monday October 1st, 2007 < "In all instances, the freaks are the real losers." 7. Unlucky 7. It's always the 7th game you hate to lose in a series. It's also where 3 teams left in a 'X7 year, '57 Dodgers & Giants, and '67 Kansas City A's, whom who never had a winning season in K.C.. But imagine had those baseball teams never left. Kansas City would have enjoyed 3 championships in the early 70s, another one in '89, and numerous 1st round exits since then, all had they stayed put. And who knows how much different stats, drafts and playoffs would had been, given the different stadium sizes, different weather conditions, etc. Would Orel Hershiser had thrown those 59 consecutive scoreless innings in 1988 in Ebbets Field rather than then-spacious Dodger Stadium? (which btw, in the early 1950s, the Brooklyn Dodgers had a proposed plan that would had been the first team with a dome, had they gotten the land they wanted) And would had the '88 weakly Dodgers beaten the powerful steroid-infested Oakland A's in the World Series? Would the World Series been "Brooklyn Dodgers vs. Kansas City A's" ? Would "Fernandomania" had ever flown in Brooklyn? Would Oakland had gotten a team in the '69, '77, '93 or '98 expansions? Would the California Angels had stayed in L.A. for good in the first place? One thing I sure of, tho, is the New York Mets would have never existed, and thus could the '69 Cubs actually won something? No Kansas City Royals, No San Francisco Giants, no Los Angeles Dodgers, no Anaheim Angels. Would San Francisco had gotten a team before San Diego did? Perhaps. Would the 1959 Chicago White Sox actually won the World Series, if it weren't for that bullshit 251.6" / 42-foot high left field net fence they had at Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum? Could New York still support 3 teams? (I say 'yes'. The baseball world in '57 had two divisions of NYY, BOS, WAS, BAL, DET, CLE, KCA, CHW / NYG, BKLN, PHI, PIT, CIN, CHC, STL, MILBRA. What other possible things could have happened? Hank Aaron breaking the homerun record in Milwaukee rather than Atlanta? Would Milwaukee be enjoying a 1995 World Series Championship or a 14-consecutive season playoff run? (it can be argued that County Stadium was a better pitcher's park than Fulton County Stadium (last ballpark years). Well we know the Washington Senators were set to move to Minnesota, tho who knows how the rest of the expansions would have gone. In all, 1957, if I ever get access to a time machine, this is the puppy I would turn the dial to. |
| Your daily dose of the absurd. |
| > Friday October 5th, 2007 < "Don't applaud this actress, she wanted to kill her children!" Today in Baseball What might be known as "The Bug Game", in the ALDS with the Yankees in Cleveland, in the 8th inning, they're called midges. Their scientific name is Chironomus plumosus (Linnaeus) or Chironomus attenuatus Walker. Apparently they breed in Lake Erie late in the Summer, and it's been unusually warm in the Ohio Valley and thus, the bugs were pushed into Jacobs Field due to the wind, and thus were fornicating all over the players on the field, including in the mouth of Yankees pitcher Joba (what the fuck?) Chamberlain, who ended up giving up the tying run, walked 2 batters, threw 2 wild pitches and hit Victor Martinez in his 1.2 IP, who Joba was seen being sprayed with bug repellant & spitting the bugs out of his mouth. I don't see how this will be of folklore, because bugs in Cleveland isn't that uncommon. Perhaps they should re-set the fire on Lake Eire and burn the little motherfuckers. The Indians go up 2-0 and thus practically destroying MLB's mega / the-whole-reason-we-want-to-exist-at-all ALCS match-up of The Red Sox vs. Yankees. And this just in: A-Rod went 0-for-4 and still sucks in the playoffs. 4-for-47 with no RBI's in his last 14 playoffs games. Only a fucking stupid GM would throw money (any money) at A-Rod this off-season. He's about as unclutch as it gets when the pressure is on. Manny Ramirez hit a walk-off 3-run homer in the 9th inning at Boston to put the Red Sox up 2-0 in the ALDS. All four DS's have leaders at 2-0. Today in Olympics In the news of "Duh", Marion Jones finally confessed to using steroids in 1999 and right before the 2000 Olympics, which is about as shocking as the Sun rising and the Mets missing the playoffs. At stake? 3 gold medals, 2 bronzes, 3 world championship gold medals, a silver and a bronze, and a whole lot of nothing. Is there any sports more fixed (boxing) or tainted 'n useless (Tour de Farce) than the Olympics? They're considering giving Jones' medals to the runner up, but she's been accused of doping too and lying about her whereabouts to drug testers. Jones had been lying for 8 years about taking steroids, and was a part of a news piece involved BLACO & founder Victor Conte. From the information & pictures shown, it was really obvious Jones was 'roiding. Today in Weather It is hot and humid! Thanks to unusually strong Jet Stream heading straight down the Pacific coastline and bucking upwards over the Rocky Mountains into Canada, pushing Southern heat and moisture across 2/3rds of the United States, with humidity and highs near 90 with July-like conditions in early October. This will continue to Saturday, cool off slightly on Sunday, and a cold front approaches Monday morning to drop temps 25 degrees to 65 for more seasonable temps. Today in Tortas I had a torta for lunch! And it was awesome. Steak torta. Very tasty. From Tierra Grill in Villa Park on the east end of St. Charles Road near Route 83. |
| > Thursday October 4th, 2007 < "paper trail phoba" Today in Baseball Cubs lose again to Arizona, 8-4, thus the D-Backs go up 2 games to none in the NLDS. And how about centerfielder Chris Young, whom the White Sox put in the Vazquez trade, leading off went 1 for 3 with 2 walks, 3 RBI's and 2 runs scored! Basically the first rookie to ever hit 32 HRs / steal 27 bases a year (30/25). The man should run for President! Yeah, the White Sox didn't need a centerfielder or a leadoff hitter with such raw speed and power, but instead gamble on a lesser, unproven rookies. Way to go, Kenny! Fire your ass. Funny thing about the 12th seeded Cubs: they fattened up their win total beating absolutely shitty N.L. Central teams the past month thanks to the unbalanced schedule, and judging by the last two months, they lost to winning teams and beat sub-.500 teams. I hope nobody is surprised by the Cubs losing right now, because they're playing a much better team and they'd probably be a 74-win team in any other division. And there is nothing, and I mean nothing... stupidier and more retarded than playoff games starting at 10pm! We have an entire generation who have never seen their team play in the playoffs, unless the parents force-fed their kids coffee and Ho-ho's And once again, the Colorado Rockies beat the Philadelphia White Sox 10-5 and go up 2-0 in the NLDS. Cleveland destroys the Yankees 13-2 to go up 1-0 in the ALDS. |
| > Wednesday October 3rd, 2007 < "fat girls / empty wrappers" Today in Baseball In a move that will forever put Lou Pineilla in Cursed Cubs Folklore aka 'making excuses for being an idiot', pulled Carlos Zambrano after 85 pitches after the 6th inning in a 1-1 game, in a duel against the awesome Brandon Webb. Cubs went on to lose 3-1 and the D-Backs go up 1-0 in the NLDS. Bullshit Wild Card team Colorado Rockies beat the Philadelphia White Sox 4-2 to go up 1-0 in the NLDS. The Red Sox shutout the banged-up Angels 4-0 to go up 1-0 in the ALDS. Today in Commentary There's a Chicago PBS show (and other versions in other US cities) called "Check, Please!" where 3 random diners all go to a self-recommended restaurants at separate times and critique the food. I'd say, about 85% to 90% of the time, everyone agrees the food was fabulous, great atmosphere, blah blah blah blah. They talk about the food, the show's camera crew goes and films some of the food at a different time, etc. Then we find out at the end the location and average price per person without drinks. And of course, it's always between $20 to $65. Sure, it's real easy to enjoy food when you're getting fancy trendy yuppie expensive food for free! No wonder there's a waiting list of 27,000 people. Who in their right mind would spend $65 on a single dinner?? Bastards, that's who. "Yeah I think I'll have the most expensive free item on the menu!" Tonight in Television I watched the 3rd episode of the Patricia Heaton / Kelsey Grammer "Back To You" tonight. I have to say, it was really weak. There was something really amateurish about the writing (in other words, really really lame) and it looks like it was written by someone with no imagination. Upon retrospect, ratings are down again, another 13% on top of the 20% from the previous week, which puts it in dangerous territory of being canceled, which I'm starting to think isn't such a bad thing. This show is for people who have never watched television in their lives, and that's a really bad thing. Another thing that is obvious, is that Pattie and Kelsey clearly don't belong in these roles. It's like asking Eric Clapton to play a toy guitar. "Alright now, Eric, I'm gonna need you to turn that little wire knob thing on the plastic guitar." Eric: "You can't fuckin' bloody 'ell be serious!!!" |
| > Monday October 8th, 2007 < "Everybody's Sucking On My Cock (and I don't like it!!!).mp3" Comments on last night's Bears game: Hmmm. Packers turning the ball over deep in Bears territory has kept this game from being possibly 21-0 to it being 7-7. 17-7 at the Half. 3 GB turnovers. Urlacher interception on the GB own 20! Wow a reckless, ridiculous pass by Farve! Griese TD pass to Olsen! It's now 20-17 Packers. Field goal Bears! 20-20! Bears stop the Packers! Griese throws to Desmond Clark for a 34-yard TD! 2 minutes to go, Packers go for one last drive. A lot of bad clock managing by Farve, who is a reckless hillbilly who plays reckless football, and on the final play, the Bears intercept the ball in the endzone for a 27-20 win! Fuck yeah!! 2-3 now! That was huge. 5 Packers turnovers. The Bears had all the momentum in the 2nd half. Next week the inferior Minnesota Vikings come to the Spaceship known as Soldier Field Sunday at Noon on Fox. |
| > Sunday October 7th, 2007 < "If you can't beat your kids, then we have problems." Today in Weather Another unusually hot day, with temps in the high 80s after reaching 88 yesterday, along with high humidity. Apparently there's a Chicago Marathon going on right now or something. After last year's race apparently it was a cloudy, blustery day with temps in the lower 40s, so quite a contrast from going from the record coldest to the record warmest. So if you want to tackle heat stroke and heat exhaustion while you ruin your knees like a dumbass, by all means go for it. By Wednesday, it should be 30 degrees cooler, going from 20 degrees above normal to 10 below. Update: apparently at the Marathon there were hundreds hospitalized and one runner who was a cop died. 36,000 signed up, 10,000 didn't show up. 11,000+ started, never finished. Oh and apparently the water stations ran out of water, too. Oh and apparently some runner ran past her collapsed husband and didn't even know it. What kind of idiocy drives people to run in the dangerous heat, or even running in the first place? There will be other races!! Idiots. Today in Sports You know, I'm getting really pissed off at the NFL. If your team does well in a season, expect to be punished in the next one with all of the stupid primetime games. It's Sunday afternoon in Chicagoland, and the only game on TV is a fucking New York Football Giants / Jets game on CBS! This is ridiculous! Boo! BOOOOOO! These are my Week 5 picks: --. My record this year on picks so far: 0-0. I'm not really looking forward to the Bears possibly going 1-4, especially in Green Bay. But Jerry Angelo brought it on himself. The O-line is absolutely terrible, you have no quarterback, your running back is soft and there is no running game, you have this awesome wide receiver Muhsin Muhammad you never throw to, a rookie tight end who can actually catch, and an awesome converted punt returner of Devin Hester put at WR who never gets thrown to. And if I had the fucking internet right now, I'd be able to tell you how many points the Bears have given up in the first 3 quarters, and then the 4th quarter. If you want to beat the Bears: keep their D on the field as long as possible, And how wonderful, the injuries are piling up, too! 2-3 or 1-4? You make the call. I deem this Bears team thy name "dirt". Today in Memories There's a fond memory I have in my childhood. It was the 1980s and I was out to dinner with my parents at this sports bar restaurant in some town far away. I remember eating this hot and delicious thin crust cheese and sausage pizza, and over on the wall, was a big 30" screen (big for those days) and on it, was the Chicago Blackhawks playing hockey, and everyone that was there was excited. Since then, I've never been able to capture that feeling again. |
| > Saturday October 6th, 2007 < "I went on Hell's Kitchen and all I got was this lousy diabetes." YEAH! It's over! The Cubs have been eliminated from the postseason! Your bullshit postseason is OVER. Note to Cubs fan: standing up and cheering and making it so loud it makes everyone deaf in the ballpark, does NOT prevent inning-ending double plays! Your behavior is starting to get noticed by other out-of-town baseball fans, and they're saying "what the fuck are they doing?? It's not a circus!" And once again: big money doesn't win playoff games. Alfonso went 2-for-14 and Aramis Ramirez went 0-for-12 & the team hit .194 and scored only 6 runs in a 3-game series, including one that was intentionally walked in. I didn't see a single inning of this series thanks to Turner Sports and their quest for global takeover, but apparently I missed some stuff, like Ted Lilly throwing a temper tantrum like a big baby, ex-White Sox prospect Chris Young. Here's some irony: one team had a payroll of $35 million, the other at $100 million, and the $35 million team won! And the White Sox grounds keeper Gene Bossard can rest easily now, since he was so nervous about a long Cubs playoff run that would delay the installation of the new drainage system & leveling of the field by 16" in Wrigley Field for next year. Everything is okay, man! It was obvious the Cubs were no good and destined for a quick playoff exit. Apparently the Fighting Illini upset #5 Wisconsin today 31-26, and the first time beating ranked teams back-to-back since 1959, and briefly held the #1 spot in the Big Ten until Ohio State won later that night. 5-1 for the 1st time since 2001 and 3-0 in the Big Ten since 1990. |
| > Tuesday October 9th, 2007 < "'Uptown girl, you know she's living in her fucked-up world...'" And now, a look back on my 2007 baseball picks and where they finished: A.L. West ANA (1) TEX (4) OAK (3) SEA (2) N.L. West LAD (4) SD (3) SF (5) ARI (1) COL (2) ALDS: NYY over ANA in 3 ALWC: CHW over BOS in 5 ALCS: NYY over CHW in 6 NLDS: NYM over LAD in 4 NLWC: PHI over HOU in 3 NLCS: PHI over NYM in 6 WS: NYY over PHI in 6. Wow, that's pretty bad. Guess I don't know jack shit about baseball. That N.L. West was a fucker. And I can't believe Colorado nor Arizona is in the NLCS, tho I had a feeling after Arizona's fast April start, they were gonna end up being good. And well, I was predicting another injury-riddled season for the Cubs, which never happened. 3 of my 1st place picks ended up finishing 4th, which is odd. Overall my worst ever season picks. |
| A.L. Central
CHW (4) DET (2) CLE (1) MIN (3) KC (5) N.L. Central HOU (4) STL (3) MIL (2) CIN (5) CHC (1) PIT (6) |
| A.L. East
NYY (2) BOS* (1) TOR (3) TB (5) BAL (4) N.L. East PHI (1) NYM * (2) FLA (4) ATL (3) WAS (5) |
| > Friday October 12th, 2007 < "Headline: dog does not respond to bribe / chews up money" Reasons why I won't link Uni Watch Who the hell likes stirrups THAT much?? It's a site that glimmers an obvious foot fetishist in denial and enthusiasts. Made an extra effort to write about the inferior sport known as soccer. I don't give a shit about soccer, and I don't want to read about that shit. Nobody cares about soccer!!!! Throw NASCAR shit in there, too and any Euro shit too. Asshole Cleveland fan Vince Grzegorek is his backup content guy, and I have to read all this stupid shit about Cleveland (who sucks, not rocks) sports shit. At least Lake Michigan doesn't burn. Paul Lukas, a New Yorker (tho at least he hates the Yankees and only likes the Mets) Jew (it's just annoying when people go out of their way to spout who they are, and I notice Jews tend to be unabashed going about it). Also seems to be middle aged and unmarried. Site is not exactly a chick magnet if you know what I mean. I like sports uniform logos, color combos and graphic designs, but not to the extent of finding who invented the ear flap or who is wearing a ribbon that day, or what some turd high school team is wearing, or some old fart in Cleveland with front row seats and changes his cap every inning, but I'm not that obsessed about petty little shit like words under a baseball cap or who didn't button up their jersey all the way. Writes for ESPN.com (the Eastern Sports Programming Network.com) who is pure evil and shoves this Yankees / Red Sox rhetoric down our throats. Fuck Eastern sports. Unabashed Liberal who went out of his way to bash Rudolph Giuliani and constantly writes about East Coast sports. Goatees are stupid. Site fans whom are cult followers to the extent to where they treat Paul like a king. Paul isn't even a collector and from what I've seen, he has no artistic ability whatsoever, which the site was designed by someone else. Plus some of the people commenting are real fucking idiots. Also there is a lack of security to where anyone could impersonate anyone. A perplexing whole being of hatred for the color purple and the endless number of tirades it brings. Membership cards? Is this the fucking Mickey Mouse club or something?! I don't need a card showing people what websites I go to. Or the fact that memberships actually go up to $1,000 just PER year, and that some turds actually paid anywhere between $25 to $500. I understand it goes towards server costs, but geez. The Distantreplays.com banner ALWAYS changes and slows everything down. |
| > Wednesday October 10th, 2007 < "One trick pony" Oh god, $1 Culver Butterburgers today. No, I won't eat your grease-riddled-saturated-cholesterol-lovefest Wisconsin garbage, Culver's. Not today, not for a dollar, not even for free. I know you want to get us all addicted to your fatty food and make us all stupid and fat like you, but the truth is, we really don't want it. We don't want to be like you. Today in Baseball There is no news in baseball today because there's no games because there's too many god damn off days in the playoffs! There has to be something done about the baseball schedule. There's too many games in the regular season, it goes on way too long, and there's way too many off days in the playoffs. It's ridiculous that there's 5 days until the start of the NLCS, not that I'd be able to see it, because it's on Turner Broadcasting. The combination of that, and it featuring two extremely young MLB towns of Phoenix and Denver, will most likely make it the lowest rated playoff turd ever. The news in Phoenix is they're having trouble selling tickets and as many as 8,000 were still available. That's embarrassing. This is the playoffs, the most exciting time of the year! My picks: Boston over Arizona in the World Series. Today in Bullshit On tonight's episode of "Kitchen Nightmares", Chef Gordon Ramsay re-invents this old seaside restaurant in New York on the Atlantic shore that is doing so bad that the waitresses actually ask the customers why would they eat here. The walls are rotting, the kitchen is filthy, the food is old and moldy, and the chefs are lazy and don't give a shit about anything, and the manager has no backbone. In 5 days the restaurant goes through a complete re-invention of its former self, with new interior, new chefs and training. Now here comes the bullshit: after only 5 months since the renovation, the owners of this restaurant of like 60+ years decide to sell it! Chef Ramsay met the restaurant's fishermen suppliers, and he was blown away by the seafood and the location. You would have to be an absolute idiot to sell a restaurant like that! The problem was, it was owned and run by old fart ladies, who were more keen on retiring than working. So they almost went into retirement and bankruptcy, but were saved by Ramsay and now are probably millionaires, who will waste their money the way stupid old people do, by going on cruises. "Look at me, I'm a fuwacking New Yorka!! I'm the fuwacking queen of da' werld!!!!!!!!". You blow. Next week's episode deals with an arrogant manager who believes he's the best manager in the world. I can't wait for the episode (from the intro previews) where some guy says "FUCK YOU, Ramsay!" and slams the backdoor on him. |
| > Thursday October 11th, 2007 < "In Russia, food eats you!" Today in Baseball Holy shit a game!!!!! Game 1 of the NLCS, and it was ugly. Not only was the D-Backs dome empty, but fans threw shit on the field after interference was called on a hard slide to 2nd, delaying the game and resulting the Rockies being pulled off the field. And now, there's a problem for the D-Backs: the Rockies beat the best pitcher in the N.L.of Brandon Webb 5-1 and the Rockies, of all people, are 3 wins away from going to the World Series. One thing I will say, is that whoever NL goes to the World Series, they will get crushed. Tonight on The Office Interesting plot in the 2nd episode. Michael Scott orders 8 pizzas for an office "Launch Party" for the Dunder-Mifflin launcing of their website at 5pm from a shitty Pizza By Alfredo's place, which everyone in the office thinks is shit (Kevin was quoted saying "Oh no, it's bad. It's real bad. It's like eating a hot circle of garbage.") Quite frankly I was impressed by the employee's high standards of pizza, which they later ended up getting the preferred pizza from the Alfredo's Pizza Caf�. But that's not the best part. Michael ordered 8 pizzas with a 1/2 -off coupon. The teenager shows up and wants $63, since "apparently" it's company policy that the offer is only valid on 2 pizzas, which was not listed on the coupon. That's something I'll have to remember. And of course, with Michael Scott understandably upset, decides to hold the smartassed kid hostage in the Conference Room. We find out that this kid stole "some bad hemp" on Dwight's farm (presumably the string making kind) and Dwight remembers him too. And of course, Michael is trying to teach this kid something about sales, the kid of course just gives them this "fuck you, loser" attitude, and Dwight wants to kick this kid's ass. And of course, I too wanted to kick his ass, and then I noticed he had an earring, which made me want to set him on fire. And then everybody in the office starts saying words like "accomplice", "charges" "kidnapping" "felony" and Michael gets really nervous, and then tricks Dwight into paying the kid for cold pizza which nobody wanted, and already ate the Alfredo's Pizza Caf� pizza. Dwight: "Michael, what about reimbursements for the pizzas?" Michael: "Not now, Dwight." **closes door** Man, Ryan has turned into a real douchebag. Yeah I'd be a cocky motherfucker too if I was writing for the best show on T.V. too. You bet your ass I would be. |
| > Saturday October 13th, 2007 < "Well if it isn't the Birthday Slut!" Today in Baseball It took the Rockies 13 innings, but they won Game 2 of the NLCS to go up 2-0 last night. Tonight the Indians defeated the Red Sox 13-6 in what was a tight game for most of the game, until the Red Sox (e.g. Eric Gagne) imploded to tie the series at 1-1. Game ended sometime near 1:30am Eastern, which is absolutely ridiculous. The little kids in the ballpark could barely stay awake. As much as I don't like children, I don't like Bud Selig more. You gotta start playing these games earlier!! 8:21pm Eastern is WAY too late. Today in irreparable disaster of gigantic proportional horrendousness The Cincinnati Reds.... have hired Dusty Baker as their manager. Wow. If you want to ruin your ballclub, this is the way you do it. Here you have a manager, who prefers veterans over young guys yet a Reds team full of was once-now-to-be-ruined-promising talent, has absolutely no grasp of the concept of a pitching count, knows nothing about pitching, and is just a terrible manager in general. What Dusty had going for him in San Francisco was Barry Bonds and a pitching staff built by someone else, and money-rich Chicago Cubs with raw pitching talent that wasn't ruined yet. The Reds don't have the money or the pitching. This is an absolute disaster in the making. I'm already predicting a 100-loss Reds team. The Reds have just royally fucked themselves. So much for keeping one of the most incompetent managers out of baseball. |
| > Sunday October 14th, 2007 < "Damn minor league manager, drunk on dope half the time." Well the Bears gave up three huge runs, 67,73 & 35 yards to give up 21 points, all by Vikings rookie Adrian Peterson, who just broke the Vikings rushing record with 224 yards on 18 carries, the most the Bears have ever given up to a running back. Yeah, he's like.... Devin Hester-good. I have to say, Griese is not getting the ball to the receivers, too many dropped passes, poor decisions and interceptions, and a soft Benson. 14-14 at halftime. 21-14 Vikings at the end of the 3rd, with the Bears turning the ball over for a 4th time. The Vikings have scored 17 unanswered points at one point. And Griese, on the 1st play after the third Peterson touchdown run, throws an interception deep. 2nd interception, 4th Bears turnover. WHAT?!! A Bears onside kick with 2:36 & two timeouts left?? That's a very low percentage kick! That's just Lovie taking a dump on the defense. That is a really bad call. Give the Vikings the ball on the Bears 40? You stop them, and yet they push you all the way back on the punt. Well the Bears stopped them, dropped them back to the 50, and will have 1:53 minutes to go 81 yards with no timeouts. WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! On 2nd and 10, 81 yard TD pass to Devin Hester to make it 31-ALL!. Oh shit, and Adrian Peterson returns the kickoff 53 yards. Nice job of not kicking to him, Bears. And the Vikings will run to eat up the clock and kick the field goal. Huge stop by Lance Briggs on stopping Peterson on 3rd and 5 for a loss of 4 yards, and the Vikings will attempt a 55 yard field goal, and it barely clears the crossbar. Well the Bears fucking lost to the shitty Vikings 34-31, and are now 2-4. Funny thing about the Bears.... everyone picked them to win this game, and they seem to lose the games they're predicted to win, and win games they're predicted to lose. Brian Griese: 26 for 45, 381 yards, 57.8%, 1 sack, 6 yardsL, 3 TD, 2 INT. Cedric Benson: 18 for 67, 3.7 ave, 12 long, 0 TD, 0 FUM. Next week the Bears head to Philadelphia and start at 3:15pm on Fox. Tonight in Baseball Oh my. The Colorado Rockies beat the Arizona D-Backs 4-1 tonight in Denver, to win 20 of last 21 and become 3-0 and one win away from the World Series. Everybody knows that pitching wins championships, and with the Rockies putting their baseballs in humidors to deaden it (which was supposed to be the all-around standard for every club in 2007) and they started it years ago because baseball in Denver is just a bad idea. The Rockies built their team around young pitching, and it also helps that the D-Backs are the 2nd worst hitting team in the majors. But the 2007 Rockies in the World Series. Never saw that coming. We all saw the Mets or Phillies. Or the Dodgers or Padres. Only one team has ever come back in baseball being down 3-0, and that was the 2004 Red Sox, and this D-Backs team sure as hell doesn't have that mystique. Arizona Baseball long lives in apathy baseball. |
| > Monday October 15th, 2007 < "Your dog ran away because you didn't eat your vegetables." Next year in Baseball AHHHHHHHHHHHH!! Here's next year's breakdown of the craziness that is the Unbalanced Schedule: Cubs: 18 HOU 18 PIT 16 MIL 15 CIN 15 STL 7 FLA 7 LA 7 PHI 7 SD 6 ARZ 6 ATL 6 CHW 6 COL 6 NYM 6 SF 6 WAS 3 BAL 3 TB 3 TOR The Cubs Numbers: 82 games against the N.L. Central, 32 against the N.L. West, 32 against the N.L. East, 9 against the A.L. East and 6 against the A.L. Central. The White Sox Numbers: 72 against the A.L. Central, 41 against the A.L. East, 31 against the A.L. West, 9 against the N.L. West and 9 against the N.L. Central. See how unorganized that is? No sense of balance whatsoever. Uneven home-road series, uneven games within the series, the Cubs starting at home on March 31st (what the fuck?), a June west coast trip with a 3-game stop at home, then a 6-game trip to Toronto then St. Petersberg, playing Milwaukee at home twice, not hosting the Cardinals until the second half. Entire April schedule outdoors in Winter climates. What quirks do I see? White Sox playing twice in St. Petersberg, In June going from Wrigley to Dodger Stadium for 3, then back home against the Cubs the next day. In August, in the middle of a long home stand, they go to Oakland for 3 days & back with no off days. First 16 games in April are outdoor games in Winter climate. Road Trip Of Death to the West Coast earlier and in early May. What a filthy mess of scheduling. And who is to blame? The fans and Selig. "Oh I want to see my team play the Giants, but don't have the patience to wait for the World Series or the Spring Training game!!" so that monkey wrench of Interleague Play comes in. Notice the complete inconsistency of the rotations and match-ups. Remember when this shit started in 1997, it was going to be A.L. West vs. N.L. West, N.L. Central vs. A.L. Central, N.L. East vs. A.L. East? Apparently people got bored with that really fast, so a new and completely confusing rotation was set up. The Cubs playing the A.L. East for the 3rd time in 6 years. Okay?? What I am saying, is the Unbalanced Schedule is complete and utter bullshit! |
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| > Friday October 19th, 2007 < "oh god, you inherited your father's sense of Farting." Purification Diet Update: I have been true to the Purification Diet. Tho I did have two energy bars that did have chocolate on it. But..... things have run amuck! I'm all weak from my Purification Diet! I'm not getting enough iron! I can't live on rice! Commentary Super strong, long-lasting paper towels? Um, is there a paper towel shortage or something? Paper towels are meant to be used once. I never heard of anyone saying "I got that paper towel to last me 2 whole weeks!" Nor could I think it's possible {sarcasm}. And ooooh, I learned a dirty little secret on how to make paper towels stronger!! By folding them in half!!! Or...or... by grabbing another sheet and putting right on top of another one!!!! Honestly, I think these companies spend way too much of their budget on advertising. The thing is, I really don't care *how* super absorbent your paper towel is, because I'll usually have to end up using another one to finish the job, and there's like 100 count to per roll. And I would generally assume it's fairly cheap to make paper towels because it comes from..... wood. |
| > Thursday October 18th, 2007 < "nach yo' cheese!" Today in Baseball The Red Sox once again beat C.C. Sabathia and are now only trailing 3-2 in the ALCS. I still can't get over the Colorado Rockies sweeping the NLCS to the World Series, but the D-Backs were the second worst hitting team in the Majors. The Rockies have won 21 of their last 22, and they were a 90-win team, so it *may* be a good World Series. But, they were a Wild Card team. Moannnnnnnn. -o- Food appliance salesman: "You can process full meals and foods in 6 seconds!" Customer who tastes the food: "EWWW!" Food appliance salesman: "We didn't say it'd taste good!" |
| > Wednesday October 17th, 2007 < "There's a murderer in the house!" Restaurant owner: "Yes everything is deep-fried. Even the coleslaw and the water." Customer: "That's disgusting." Restaurant owner: "That's why I'm a big fat stupid idiot!" |
| > Tuesday October 16th, 2007 < "How To be a bad lover." I wanted to show this before it eventually disappeared from the Internet. It supports the theory that steroids do make you a better baseball player. I mean logically, it just has to. It helped make you stronger, rationally the result would be hitting the ball further or throwing it a little harder, but some people just still don't get it. Here it is in its full and unaltered content. Physicist shows how steroids can fuel home runs By Maggie Fox Thu Sep 20, 4:31 PM ET WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Steroids can help batters hit 50 percent more home runs by boosting their muscle mass by just 10 percent, a U.S. physicist said on Thursday. Calculations show that, by putting on 10 percent more muscle mass, a batter can swing about 5 percent faster, increasing the ball's speed by 4 percent as it leaves the bat. Depending on the ball's trajectory, this added speed could take it into home run territory 50 percent more often, said Roger Tobin of Tufts University in Boston. "A 4 percent increase in ball speed, which can reasonably be expected from steroid use, can increase home run production by anywhere from 50 percent to 100 percent," said Tobin, whose study will be published in an upcoming issue of the American Journal of Physics. Tobin, who normally studies condensed matter and physics, wondered if professional baseball players who have recently been accused of boosting their performance with steroids really would benefit from using the drugs. "If you look at other sports, you don't see radical changes in performance. No one is running a 6-second 100-meter dash, no matter what they are taking," Tobin said in a telephone interview. BONDS NOT FOCUS OF STUDY Tobin read reports about steroids that said they could add about 10 percent to an athlete's total muscle mass. Could this be enough to help San Francisco Giants player Barry Bonds, dogged by allegations of past steroid use, hit his record-breaking 756th career home run last month? "I haven't tried to look at Barry Bonds specifically so I haven't looked at his weight numbers," Tobin said. What he did look at was the power of a batter's swing, and how it might affect a baseball. An extra 10 pounds of muscle, he said, could add just enough extra to a batter's swing to send the ball out of the park, or at least into the stands. It works for pitchers, too, but not as well. He calculated that a 10 percent increase in muscle mass should increase the speed of a thrown ball by about 5 percent, or 4 to 5 mph for a pitcher who throws a 90-mph fastball. That could translate into one fewer earned run every other game. "That is enough to have a meaningful effect on the success of a pitcher, but it is not nearly as dramatic as the effects on home run production," Tobin said. "The unusual sensitivity of home run production to bat speed results in much more dramatic effects, and focuses attention disproportionately on the hitters." Tobin said it is possible that baseball players could gain the muscle mass by lifting weights. "This doesn't prove anything. This is not an indictment of Barry Bonds or anybody else," he said. END |
| > Saturday October 20th, 2007 < "Trans fat was our counter to fixing the old excess population problem." Today in Dead Cartoonists Gee....in the understatement of perhaps since the death of Christ, a new autobiography about Peanuts creator Charles M. Schultz depicts that he was a very sad man and felt unloved. We also "learn" that the Lucy Van Pelt character was based completely on his crabby first wife Joyce, who always yelled at Schultz when he was in bouts of melancholy to "snap out of it!!!". We also learn that Schultz drew Charlie Brown with a big head because Schultz's family always told him not to live in some lavish world of grandeur, since apparently Schultz had these ideas. I think it was extremely obvious that Charlie Brown & Linus were reflections of Schultz himself, tho in his latter years, he was just plain-ass senile with his story lines which made no sense. Charlie Brown was the loser that Schultz felt he was, and I don't see how this is a surprise to anyone, yet the Schultz family is rather surprised and upset that their family icon is depicted in such an unflattering light. And gee, where do you think Schultz got the plot for "the little redheaded girl" from? Mmhmm. And according to a 1976 Chicago Tribune article, he had STILL not gotten over it, despite having a wife, numerous children and millions of dollars. The man was either a genius or a complete lunatic. You make the Call. In other cartoon news, I noticed there has been a lot of cleaning up of the funnies in the past 2 decades, like the removal of Broom Hilda's cigar, and lack of profanity-ridden characters drinking and smoking, dogs taking a shit on the couch or belt-whipping fathers. But I noticed, today, October 20th, 2007.... that they have some fat broad smoking a cigarette in a Brenda Starr comic strip. Where is the outrage??! Oh yeah, nobody reads that shitty adult-oriented fantasyland horseshit strip. Brenda Starr's strip placement always apparently is where the copy editor happens to doze off and lose concentration during their daily task and just "happen to miss that the strip is actually still appearing". Let's get this straight about this blog: this blog sometimes is not a reflection of me, but is of something absurd that I would like to see, which apparently I can't get elsewhere. "If you can't find it, make it." Some references are less obvious than other. Remember the daily random quote of "Don't applaud this actress, she wanted to kill her children!!" was an indirect reference of an interview from actress Brooke Shields after her pregnancy. You probably shouldn't applaud when you see her. I also noticed the apparently National syndicated advice column "Ask Amy" by Amy Dickinson, whose moods apparently range from Neo-Bleeding Heart Liberal to Staunch Dog-Kicking-Child-Swatting Ultraconservative. Her schizophrenic approach to giving advice is astounding. In particular, was this letter someone from Colorado had sent in, where "Patty" came to Chicago with her little pet beagle, and well, let me just re-print the actual column: (scroll down) Dear Amy: I am responding to the letters in your column from people complaining about people who take their dogs into stores. My husband and I live in Colorado. We have a sweet, mild-mannered beagle named Little D. She's very social, and I've always enjoyed that when we're out and about she can put a smile on a stranger's face. She's well-behaved and leash-trained, and in Colorado she is welcomed in many stores. A couple of years ago we were in Chicago visiting my husband's family. We drove and brought Little D with us, and I was surprised at the reaction to our trying to bring her into stores there. When I tried to bring her into a Best Buy, the security guard acted as if she were a vicious dog and might bite someone. We were also firmly asked to leave Borders. I'm pleased to read that store owners in the Chicago area are opening up to the idea of allowing dogs to visit. The little bit of dander they shed is nothing compared with the smile they put on a stranger's face. -- Patty in Colorado Dear Patty: Dogs don't put a smile on everyone's face. Certainly anyone whose asthma or allergies have kicked in because of a "little bit of dog dander" would have a hard time smiling, not to mention breathing, in your dog's presence. I have enjoyed airing various viewpoints on this hot issue -- my own view is that while dogs are treasured companions, some dog owners don't seem to realize that their pets might not be welcomed everywhere. I like how Amy bolds her answers in the newspaper, as in like her words are much more important than any mere pissant reader's. Now me, personally, the only place dogs belong is in Pet Stores. I don't want to have to be making my daily trip to the deli section for cheese and step in little Fifi's dung or looking forward to having my face bitten off by a rottweiler. But the point is, these na�ve people shouldn't believe that "I think this dog will bring a smile to any stranger" because that's stupid. These people are self-absorbed and are living in some stupid fantasyland. Just like those people who cover up their cars with numerous decals and bumper stickers, like the world is somehow benefiting from the person's personal statements or novelty "attitude stickers"; often not original at all. I really don't care if your favorite band is Korn or that God is an angry pissed off woman or that meat is murder. Meat may be murder, but man, that's some fucking tasty murder! Even murder has its tasty side. Tonight in Baseball The Boston Red Sox won 12-2 behind 7 strong innings by Curt Schilling who only gave up 2 runs, struck out 5 and walked none, aided by a J.D. Drew grand slam in the 1st inning to put the Red Sox up 4-0 in a lead they would never relinquish to tie the ALCS 3-3. Game 7 of the ALCS is Sunday night on Fox with Daisuke Matsuzaka starting for the Red Sox.. The World Series starts on Wednesday with the Colorado Rockies on a record 9 days rest. Fact: Home team has won 15 of last 20 of Game 7 CS. |
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| > Monday October 22nd, 2007 < "Yeah I'm gonna have to give the old man a good talking to. And a good beating, too." The Man with the vision: fixing the NFL. The NFL. The Notoriously Farcical League. The No Fun League has turned into a farce. It's ridiculous, really. Opening Day shouldn't be a Thursday night national game with a literal fucking rock concert atmosphere. I certainly don't like the universal dumbing-down of the sport. I propose some changes. First off, all games are to be played outside and on real grass on a Sunday afternoon at Noon or 1pm. This is ridiculous in this day and age that teams have to resort to plastic grass in an outdoor stadium where clouds of rubber tire dust shoot into the air on every step. Grass and mud: that's a football field. Ban all rock music at the stadium. I don't care for that loud concert atmosphere. Having some stupid DJ. play "Jump" or "Crazy Train" just seems lazy, redundant and completely irrelevant and unnecessary. I am however in favor of having a College-esque band at football games. As for the uniforms, I'd get rid of all that stupid shiny satin-like material, eliminate all piping and side panels, stupid uneven patterns and cutouts, and have a two-color jersey limit rule. Also would remove those ugly olive green stickers on the communication helmets. Also I'd implement a return to real sleeves, or even the old-style three-quarter sleeve. I'd also remove the stupid NFL Equipment logo on the collar and fire Reebok. The crazy in me wants to ban fair catches and ban touchdown celebration & taunting penalties. Plus I don't give a shit if you tape over the logos on your shoes. Nobody really cares what company makes the shoes. I would also not ban or fine fans who throw snowballs onto the field, and I would have an all-allowed profanity rule. NFL stadiums should be like bars, not kiddie day care centers. Lastly, I would shorten the season to 12 or 14 games, ban Fox from ever broadcasting the NFL and most importantly: go to a College style overtime. Over 75% of coin winners end up winning the OT, which I think is bullshit. |
| > Sunday October 21th, 2007 < "'.....You threw up right on me-eee...'" Yesterday in Sports. USC has defeated Notre Dame! 1st USC shutout at ND since 1933. Largest USC victory over ND ever, 38-0 dating back to 1926. And Notre Dame is 1-7! How many bad records DO you need from Charlie Weis, Notre Dame? You're just tainting that 1977 kelly green jersey now, whom some from that team witnessed this bloodbath. Today in Sports Bears at Eagles. It was a tale of two weak-ass teams. 3-0. 6-0. 9-0. 9-3. 9-6. 9-9. 12-9. 16-9. Philly scored effortlessly on their 2nd to last drive, just throwing the ball down the field and into the endzone for the winner. The Bears had about 5 minutes left with good field position at the 40 but a penalty and a sack pushed them back to the 20 to punt. Devin Hester was held to 0 punt return yards. Oh fuck, they had to go 97 yards for the win in 1:53. TOUCHDOWN BEARS WITH 9 SECONDS LEFT! 19-16! BEARS WIN!!! 3-4! That's a fucking lot better than 2-5! Next week's game the Detroit Lions visit Soldier Field for a Noon start on Fox. Indians at Red Sox. Game 7 of the ALCS. It was a very close game, 3-2 Red Sox until the 7th, where their midget hit a 2-run homer over the Green Monster, and later tacked on 6 runs in the 8th, including a Coca-Cola Bottle Shot by Kevin Youkilis, who looks like an idiot with that goatee. And behold! The great Cleveland Choke has happened after being up 3 games to 1. This game may be known as the Lofton Stop, who should have scored easily on a ricochet shot in the leftfield foul wall and would have tied up the game at 3. And apparently, Kenny Lofton is now the cheaper and faster version of A-Rod, who has lost three Game 7's, '02 in SF, '03 in CHC and '07 in CLE. The Red Sox outscored the Indians 30-5 in their last 3 games. The World Series starts Wednesday night on Fox. Speaking of turds, Taco Hell has this promotion that if anyone steals a base in a World Series game, they'll give you a free seasoned beef taco. The catch? You can only get it between 2pm-5pm. You fucking turds! We don't want your crappy food anyway. I don't like it when my bowels look like they came from a shotgun. |
| > Saturday October 27th, 2007 < "'If you abuse it, you will lose it!'" Today in Baseball Game 3 of the World Series. Thanks to a 6-run 3rd, including a 2-RBI basehit by starter Daisuke Matsuzaka, the Red Sox built a nice lead over the Rockies, whose fans really annoy me. The Rockies at one point in this series were 1-for-17 with RISP. Game 3 got close to where it was only 6-5 Red Sox, but then the Red Sox bats came back and put the game away for good at 10-5. Game 4 will be Sunday night on Fox at 7:25pm. This series is over. It was really obvious the Rockies were mis-matched, and fooled millions of stupid, stupid people while they dominated the N.L. into thinking they were actually a good baseball team. When this happens, you want the series to wrap up as quickly as possible and get it over with. The only reasons why I want the Red Sox to win this, is because I don't want another Wild Card team winning this, nor do I want any more 1990s expansion teams winning the World Series. They've already had won 3, 4 appearances, and they have not earned the treat of having their team in the World Series after decades of suffering. Partially that's baseball's fault for knowingly putting teams in cities it wasn't ready for a team with a broken system where is there is no salary floor or cap. More teams means more crappy baseball. So the Red Sox will be the 2007 World Series Champions. Bring on the CHOWDAH! |
| > Friday October 26th, 2007 < "mmmm ropejelly!" Wolfman Jack on the Midnight Special: "Hey you kids want to hear some music?!!!" crowd: "Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!" Wolfman Jack: "Wells I suggest you's calm the fuck down and you all get quiet real soon!!!" crowd: **gasp** Wolfman Jack: "Hehhhh hehhhhh, I's just messing with ya! It's the 1970s, it's all about fun!!" crowd: "Yaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!!" Wolfman Jack: "Ya, we's got them Ray Charles whose on the smack again, then them long hairs Areosmith - we don't know what the hell they's on... and some stands-up comedian who I've never heard of. Alright, here's AEROSMITH!!!" crowd: "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" |
| > Thursday October 25th, 2007 < "Come down to Canada and feel the BURN!" Today in Baseball Game 2 of the World Series. The Red Sox edge out 2-1. Curt Schilling pitched 5.1 innings of 4-hit 1 run ball and the bullpen kept the lead in tact to put the Red Sox up 2 games to none, and play will resume in Denver on Saturday night. |
| > Wednesday October 24th, 2007 < "Shut up, Broom Hilda!" Today in Baseball Game 1 of the World Series. The Red Sox absolutely bomb the Rockies 13-1 and have outscored their opponents 43-6 in their last four games. |
| > Tuesday October 23rd, 2007 < "If you could come up with a crappier tasting pizza, let's hear it." Note to Halloween: You're ridiculous. I don't celebrate Halloween. I think children should be forced into slave labor, all candy banned, and people who go to Halloween parties should be castrated. If there's anything, ANYTHING we learned from the 1988-97 television show "Roseanne", is that only crazy insane people celebrate Halloween like it's a holiday or something. I don't like dressing up in costumes, and I think people who dress up in costumes (especially in transgender ones, tho transvestites should be vastly electrocuted & that's a whole other column for another time) should has stones thrown at them and beaten with sticks. I know it seems like that's a broken record coming from me. But as a kid, even then I never felt comfortable dressing up in some weird clothes, pretending to present myself in something that I wasn't. But thanks to the past few generations and what they've done, they have made so that everything is ridiculous. They've made things like "promoting and embracing Satan" to a completely nerdy and lame way to be. I also was never keen on the teen-esque vandalism that goes on with Halloween. Of course, as a trick or treater, I wasn't ever keen on getting sacks of pennies, Religious pamphlets or razor blade apples, either. |
| > Sunday October 28th, 2007 < "That stuff will knock the shit right out of your ass!" Today in Football The fucking Detroit Lions come to Chicago where the Bears will try and even their record to 4-4 in their quest for the playoffs. So far the Bears have missed a 40-yard field goal, which Robbie Gould seems to be *just* making his field goals, with one from last week hitting the left upright and bouncing in. Here's a clue, Robbie: "Aim more to the right!!". Once again, Griese makes a stupid decision to go deep on 3rd down to the endzone with plenty of time left, and again against Detroit, he gets intercepted at the goal line on a pass that was 30 yards long but 6 yards short. This bullshit of not kicking to Devin Hester is really starting to piss me off, and these asshole coaches are smiling and laughing about it. Makes me want to break their face. Tho every single football coach that's ever existed needed to be physically beaten up because they're such a fucking asshole. And once again, the Bears have to do the 2-minute drill to prevent being scoreless and they fail. 13-0 Detroit at halftime. The Bears just cost themselves 10 points. Nice, the Bears fans are booing for taking a knee with 0:05 seconds left on their own 40. No! NO! Fuck! Fuck! No! No! This isn't right! This shouldn't be happening at all! This isn't right! This isn't right at all! This is a complete disaster! Oh my! Oh the humanity! Oh fuck! We have witnessed the death of 2007 Chicago Bears football! Oh shit. Oh fuck. After 4 Brian Griese interceptions, including 3 in the endzone, the Bears have lost to the lowly Detroit Lions 16-7 in what was an absolute immortal disaster that not even Stephen King himself could write. The Bears fall to 3-5, pretty much sealing that they won't make the playoffs. There is something really wrong with this team. Every single time they're predicted to win, they lose, and when they're supposed to lose, they win. Everybody picked the Bears to beat the Lions. Everybody picked the Packers to beat the Bears. It just doesn't make any fucking sense! Next week the Bears get to rot on their Bye Week, and their next game is Sunday, November 11 at the Oakland Raiders (Bears will lose) at 3:15pm on Fox. Today in Baseball Scrappy hitting by the Red Sox, great pitching by Jon Lester 3H 5 2/3rds, a Mike Lowell homerun in the 7th to make it 3-0 Boston. Rockies hit a homer in the bottom of the 7th to make it 3-1, got a basehit and the tying run came to the plate, but Mike Timlin struck out the batter, and pinch-hitter Bobby Kielty hits the first pitch he sees into the leftfield bleachers to put the Red Sox up 4-1. Minutes after this, it was reported that A-Rod has opted out of his Yankees contract, thus freeing money from the Texas Rangers. A-Rod cites "worried about the Yankees and their competition" aka "I want more money." That's really shitty to announce that when the Red Sox are 6 outs away from winning the World Series. He upstaged baseball's biggest moment all for the glorification of his ego. Suffice to say, it pissed off a lot of people. And yes, it was my idea to put Ortiz at 1st base despite a red hot Kevin Youkilis. Ortiz made a nice dig tonight and went 2 for 7, 2 RBI, BB and 1 run scored in Denver. And the Red Sox win 4-3, and were declared on here yesterday, your 2007 World Series Champions. And I for one am glad the Red Sox exposed the day dreaming Rockies for what they were: pretenders from an inferior league. If it weren't for Okajima being a turd; who gave up a 3-run homer in Game 3 to make it 6-5, and a 2-run homer in Game 4 to make it 4-3; neither Game 3 or 4 would had been close at all. Judging from the crowd pans, apparently no attractive people live in Denver: America's Backhouse. Any fans who make up signs that say "Rock Their Socks" don't deserve a championship. |
| > Monday October 29th, 2007 < " 'What's up, Son of a Bitch?' " Father and teenage boy in den of home. Father with evil eye: "So Billy, I understand you're here to take my sweet Natilie out on a date." Billy: "Yeah." Father with evil eye: "See this cell phone? I'm one of her 5 main contacts. It's like I'm always there...watching you." Billy looking nervous: "Uh huh..." Father: "Which means I could pop out of anywhere at anymore and totally kick your ass! What do you say to THAT, Billy?!!!" Billy: "I think that's a very impressive scare tactic, Natilie's dad. How much money would you pay if I never dated your daughter ever again?" Father: "Fifty bucks!!!" Billy: "Sold!" **Natilie walks in** "WHAT?!!!" Father: **pulls out checkbook & writes check** Billy dancing & singing toward Natilie: "Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii sold you down the ri-verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Na na na na naaaaaaa!" pissed Natilie: "DADDY!!!!" **runs upstairs** Billy points and dances around: "Na na naaaaaaa naaaaaaaaaaaa, laaaaa daaaaaa!" **takes check & leaves** The next day at school in the hallway. #1 Teenage girl: "I heard that he's such a badass, parents have literally spend thousands of dollars to make sure he doesn't date their daughters!" #2 Teenage girl: **eagerly** "Wow! He sounds so BAD!" #1 Teenage girl: "Yeah!" #2 Teenage girl: "I can't wait to date him! I want to piss off my old man!" Cut to Billy at his locker talking to his friends. Billy: "This was the best idea I ever came up with: Asking as many girls as I can to date, then either taking or enforcing the bribe! I'm making more money than I ever would have from a stupid job! Hahahaha!" Billy's friend: "That is brilliant!" Billy: "And if for some stupid reason that the parents are already fine with the idea of their teenage daughter dating, I'll just say some really vulgar and obscene shit!" Billy's friend: "This is why you're the MAN! High 5!" **Billy & friend high 5**. END |
| > Tuesday October 30th, 2007 < "This robot is clearly drunk." Ah, the Writers Guild of America. An East Coast and West Coast chapter, its union holds over 10,000 American writers and actors for television and movies. It's also in the mist of a strike, which would halt all production on TV shows and movies. The deadline is 12am Thursday Pacific Coast Time. Money, as usual, is the central focus, along with retirement pensions, In a statement, the alliance said talks broke down after its chief negotiator, Nick Counter, outlined the producers' opposition to raising the pay writers receive when their work is released on DVD -- a key guild demand. The last time there was a strike was in 1988, which wiped out roughly 9 Saturday Night Live episodes with production ending at the end of February, which prevented Gilda Radner from hosting, and by the time the strike was over, she was too ill to host, and died on the day of the season finale a year later in May of 1989. What does this mean for you? Well, shows like Leno, Letterman, Conan, Saturday Night Live, The Colbert Report & the Daily Show will immediately stop with new shows. Other scripted shows won't see the end of new shows on TV until December or January. Some networks won't be as hit hard. Apparently the CW has most of their stuff already done. ABC has some reality shows it can produce, tho "Lost" fans will be screwed in the ass as the February launch and the promise of 16 uninterrupted episodes, will just have to deal with whatever has been shot at this point. Unfortunately, American Idol will go on and not skip a beat, to the sadness of us fans of Not-Lame. The strike of course could be short lived and nothing really will be noticeably different, but in this day and age of options, Networks can seek outside help and keep producing new television, ambient stupid reality shows. The strike is also affecting the episode orders and lives of shows, keeping them around 'just in case'. Or it could be long lived, which probably won't happen. You have been warned. |
| > Wednesday October 31st, 2007 < "There's a murderer in the hospital!" Well it's Halloween and you get nothing. NOTHING. |
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