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| Untitled Daily Column Project |
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| <> Friday October 1st 2004 <> Apple dice! oh my GOD what a day!! This had to be one of the best days in..probably...since yesterday! I got the day off from work, got to sleep in, and got teased by the television set when they showed this delicious news story about the Chicago Style beef sandwich compared to the Philly Cheese Steak sandwich (both excellent IMO) due to the Philadelphia Eagles coming to Chicago to play the Bears this weekend (Philly blowout, of course). Tho I now know the differences between the sandwiches (mainly that the Chicago one uses roast beef; Philly uses grilled sirloin). Both use cheese (Chicago: Provolone. Philly: American or Cheese Whiz. Cheese Whiz????) and both use some kind of sweetened & pickled Italian green bell pepper. Finally, some hours later, the beef sandwich demon within me had a huge Portillo's Chicago Style Italian beef sandwich w/ dipping sauce on the side, along with some sour cream & onion chips and a cold Dr. Pepper to drink. Mmmm mmm mmm. So fattening. So tasty. But the gem of the day was watching the Braves beat the Cubs, and finding out that the Houston Astros and SF Giants both won their games tonight, meaning some impossible shit is going to have to happen to the Cubs if they're going to make the playoffs this year. It was so funny to see all these stupid Cubs fans on TV tonight literally crying and moaning that the Cubs "didn't know how to hit" or win a game. And of course, late in the game, down 5-1, the fans were streaming for the exits. Well, what kind of team spirit is that when "the wind is blowing out" ??? Steve Stone only said that fucking phrase literally 50 times today. Everyone seems to think when the wind is blowing out, that suddenly the Cubs are invincible. So what happened today? The Braves' 8th and 9th hitters (the 9th being pitcher Mike Hampton, of course) both hit 2-run homeruns. Not to mention a failed double-play botched by Mark Grudzielanek opened the door to the game winning run being scored when it would had been 3 outs. It looks like the very end to the Cubs 2004 season. The moment I've been waiting for all year. The celebratory shells n cheese is on ice. |
| <> Saturday October 2nd 2004 <> Rage.... be-gone! **runs thru the streets ringing a bell** CUBS ELIMINATED FROM 2004!! IT'S OVER!!! THE CUBS ARE OUT OF PLAYOFF CONTENTION IN 2004!!!! No, little crippled Timmy, 'tis not Christmas Day.. it's the greatest day for a White Sox fan: The day the Cubs are eliminated from being able to compete for the World Series ring. So the parade of futility continues for the Cubs....96 years (since 1908) since the Cubs last won the World Series. You'd think Cubs fans would get a clue by now not to support this cursed team. Arizona Cardinal fans got the hint. Cheesy. And today is the best time....it's the longest possible time before the Cubs are eligible for post-season play in 2005! And what does the Cubs being eliminated from the post season have to do with me, other than seeing my most hated rivals down and out? It means it's time for the celebratory shells n' cheese meal! I said to myself, "No shells n cheese (fancy high-end macaroni and cheese) would touch these lips or mouth until the Cubs were eliminated from the playoffs. It makes it that much more savory and tastier." There will be shells n cheese falling from the sky tonight. Man is that cheesy! Cubs fun fact of the day: Cubs (tho doesn't matter today) were 19-30 in 1-run games, 2nd worst in the MLB only to Baltimore. The annual Cubs Elimination Party will be starting tonight and going strong during the Eagles / Bears game tomorrow and into the night. OH YEAH! See.... I told you this entry would be cheesy! |
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| <> Wednesday October 6th 2004 <> Sticky Street Vulgar Masterpiece Cartoon Theatre presents......Berenstain Bears in... "Papa's Ordeal" Family is sitting in the family room. Papa puts down newspaper. Papa: "You know, Brother and Sister Bear, you should be outside getting fresh air and exercise." Brother: "Oh come on! But it's so cold out! We don't have anything to do!!" Papa: "oh for god's sake! I'll go with you and we'll find something!" **throws newspaper** **everyone puts on their coat & scarves and steps outside** Brother: "You know, I don't understand why we have to wear clothes. I mean, we're bears with thick fur." Papa: "oh shut UP! Must you bitch about everything?!" Sister: "jesus, Papa sure is moody!" Papa: "I am not MOODY, god damn it!! My blood-sugar levels are dropping! I need some fucking honey! Grrrr!!!" **Papa begins swinging his fists in rage** "There's gotta be some fucking honey around here!!" **The Bears go for a stroll and wander into the Park** Papa: "Say, do you hear that? It sounds like humans having a picnic!" Brother: "Papa, didn't you always say to leave the humans alone?" **Papa goes running up to the two humans and begins mauling them** Papa: "Roar!! ROAR!!!!" **knocks a human's head off with his claws** Sister: "Papa! Stop it!! You're harming the humans!" Papa: "I NEED SUGAR!!!!! ROAR!! ROAAAAAR!!" **rips the last shreds of the humans** Papa: "Ooooo! White Castles with cookies and soda!" Brother: "....can we have some?" Papa: "No-ROAR!!!!!!" **takes a swing at Brother Bear & gobbles all the food up** Sister: "Those poor humans." Papa: "They can go to hell! Lousy fucking polluters! Think they can stroll around in their 4-wheelers and build their fucking roads with their mini-malls!" **Brother and Sister Bear stare in disbelief** Papa: **now content** "Ooooof! Ooomf! Oh that feels better... what a sugar buzz. You see kids, with our claws, we weren't made just to eat fruits and berries." Sister: "Oh I see." Papa: **Farts** "Oh, those damn White Castles and their greasy pickles. It's given me the 'bear-toots'!" Papa, Brother and Sister Bear: "Haha haha ha!" Papa: "Oh I need to find me a good tree to poop on. **spots one** Ah, that one will do!" **walks over to the tree and begins rubbing ass against the trunk** Papa: "Who needs toilet paper when you got a tree to wipe your ass with? Hahaha!" Brother: "That's not very sanitary, Papa." Papa: "Shut the fuck up, you! We're bears! **gets frustrated & furious and begins pounding chest and screaming** We're king of the Forest!!! We're fucking bears!! We RULE! We rule the whole god dam.." **gunshot** "AHHH!!" **drops dead** **Brother and Sister Bear go off running** And Papa Bear never harmed another human ever again. END |
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| <> Thursday October 21st 2004 <> "What in holy hell?? Sausages!" Red Sox 10, Yankees 3 - F. Congratulations, Red Sox! You showed a lot of heart and kicked the fucking shit out of the Yankees! The Red Sox became the first baseball team in history to come back from being down 0-3 in a best of 7 series by winning 4 straight, and it's only been done 3 times in some 238 identical situations. I wonder what kind of bullshit that Steinbrenner is going to pull of this off-season. Man, I bet he's so fucking pissed! And thanks to Roger Clemens of the Astros, who started the NL All-Star game, gave up 6 runs (3 earned) in the 1st inning which ended up letting the AL team win and get homefield advantage for the World Series. Prediction: this will be one of the highest rated World Series ever. Can you name which one that was? You're not stupid. Or maybe you are. Maybe you're Maybe you like to eat Vaseline on toast! Maybe you like to cut the expiration dates off of coupons! Maybe you like to print counterfeit money and use it in sode and snack machines! Maybe you like to piss on public bathroom toilet seats and walls! Maybe you like to speed thru School Zones! Maybe you like to have to sex with dead people! Maybe you're just stupid! Or maybe, you just didn't know the answer was the 1982 World Series of the St. Louis Cardinals versus the Milwaukee Brewers. |
| <> Wednesday October 20st 2004 <> "What's it like being a slut?" Vulgar Masterpiece Cartoon Theatre presents......Berenstain Bears in.... "Work and Play" Brother and Sister bear open up their own farmstand on the front lawn to earn money for new toys and possessions. Brother bear shouts: "Here's some secret family berries from our own secret patch! only $2 a carton!!" Sister bear: "We have lots of vegetables to sell, too!" A steady stream of customers leads to excellent profits for brother and sister bear. During the days, brother and sisters friends stop by the farmstand and ask for them ot play, but the bears say they're too busy. Their friends go off and begin resenting brother and sister bear behind their backs and spreading mean things about them. Meanwhile, a wary mother bear watches from the kitchen window inside the house. Mother: "I don't like what they're doing... they're spending all their time selling stuff and earning money instead of out playing with their friends." Papa: "Let's have a talk with them the next time they're watching tv." **time passes and an exhausted Brother and Sister Bear sit down to watch tv** Mother: "What's the matter? Why the long faces?" Brother: "Oh it's just our friends aren't inviting us over anymore." Sister: "We just get these mean reactions and comments." Papa: **asks cheerfully** "And why do you think that, Brother and Sister bear?' Brother: "They're just jealous we have dough, are responsible and are contributing to the gloroius capitalistic machine and we're doing something constructive and they're just being stupid lazy Communists!" **Papa and Mother bear are shocked and are overcome with concern** Papa: "No, that's not it. you see, having fun is more important than working!" Mama: "This is so true. How is that fair that you have all this money you earned and they don't??" Brother: **pissed in disbelief** "what." Mama: " I don't like or think you should be making money instead of goofing off with your friends." Papa: "You see, our government; who rightfully controls all aspects of our lives; tells us how to live and how much money we should have." Mother: "a Classless Society where all goods are to be socially owned. It's the only logical system there is." Papa: " 'Liberty' is so over-rated, anyway." Brother: **increasingly annoyed** "whatEVER, Comrade." Sister: [at parents] "hush up with your propagranda, Trotsky!" Brother: "We like our money and we want more!" **Mother now really concerned** Mother: "That's a very selfish and wrong attitude to have, Brother and Sister bear." Brother: "oh hush up you soulless heathen!" Papa: **angry** "Gimme that money!" Brother: "nooooooo!" Papa: **rips the money out of their pockets** "Here we are....$3 dollars for each of us!" **smiles contently** Brother: **now pissed, grabs a cookie for solitude** "I'm having this cookie." Mama: "You don't own that cookie, Brother! You can't "own" a cookie!" Papa: "I hate America!" Mama **shouts & pumps fist** "Long live the glorious struggle against capitalist oppression!!" Papa: **marches around the house & chants** "Through tempests the sunrays of freedom have cheered us, Along the new path where great Lenin did lead!" **Mother bear begins marching in place** **Papa continues** "Be true to the people, thus Stalin has reared us, inspire us to labor and valorous deed! Sing to the Motherland, home of the free, Bulwark of peoples in brotherhood strong. O Party of Lenin, the strength of the people, To Communism's triumph lead us on!" Brother: "what.... the....hell...." Sister: **grunts** "Jesus christ!" Mama: "Not in this house!" Papa: "Now who's up for some vodka and potato soup & hot dogs??" **end scene** Is this what we want our kids to be watching on PBS??? And no, this wasn't the vulgar piece. END |
| <> Tuesday October 19th 2004 <> "you're dead weight, Marty." Well I'm still luring over on the vulgar literature I wrote the other night, so here's some other shit instead. -o- (accapella sung in a 1960s style) Smoke a lot Drink a lot Fuck her like crazy Cum a lot suck a lot Anus be lazy -o- Barney Gumble: "Wow! David Crosby! You're my hero!" David Crosby: [cheerfully] "Oh you like my music?" Barney Gumble: "You're a musician??" -o- tuna makes you smart 'cause so much dolphin gets caught up into the nets |
| <> Tuesday October 12st 2004 <> Colonial Salt's Promiscuous Nucleus Crew Well apparently at jumptheshark.com, they're reading all the submissions now to the list of whether or not a TV show has jumped the shark. Sometimes I'll leave a comment about a show or episode I've never seen just because I hated that show or the plot of the episode being discussed. Here's my submission: When "Arthur" (PBS cartoon) Jumped the Shark: "Yeah, what was up with DW not getting punished after she wrecked his plane and everyone came down on Aurthur? Most of these story lines are pretty weak and well, I wouldn't want my kids watching this stuff because it just seems too dumbed down. Tho my favorite episode is when Aurthur told us that we should lie, cheat, steal booze from our parent's liquor cabinet and smoke cigarettes, and not to take any shit from any asshole because the only person looking out for # 1 is you!" Of course, I probably didn't help my case by misspelling "Arthur" twice. But seriously, it's a poorly written cartoon. Those writers don't deserve to have a job. And why, do you ask, was I watching a kid's cartoon on a day off from work? When you have no cable, and there's no baseball game on, and the only other thing is soaps, Maury (horrible) Good Day Live (most worthless show on television); there's nothing else on. Man, daytime TV really, really is shitty. No wonder all those housewives are insane and are so eager to drive their minivans around town. Tho, I suppose I could tape some late-night shows and watch them..but then that completely throws off my flow. I also was going to summit (a serious) entry about how Will & Grace is the most over-hyped show in the history of television, and how Will; a surly, moody asshole lawyer wasn't funny or pleasant to watch, and how creepy Karen's annoying high-voice with the heart of an old toothless hooker and a mouth of a sailor. And Jack is just way too stereotypical. Plus it is another trendy and extremely yuppie show. But I was eating New England clam chowder (mmm mmm) that afternoon and ditched the idea. And screw you, Yankees. You can go to hell. |
| <> Monday October 18th 2004 <> lurch lookalike List of things I've been putting off: getting a hair cut (every two months) changing the oil in my car reading "Animal Farm" cleaning the 5-year old faint soda stain on the ceiling eating celebratory Cubs elimination shells n cheese trimming nose hairs vacuuming / washing car / vacuuming bedroom going to a Bulls game getting drunk on Nyquil for the 1st time getting the Quizno's Steakhouse beef dip sandwich again clipping toe nails making a homemade custom stained napkin holder getting season 3 DVD of Family Guy getting an ATM card (again. lousy fuckers never sent the new one to me) drinking Old Crow Kentucky Bourbon. eating my first corn dog experimenting with the ultimate unhealthy quadriple homemade bacon mushroom cheeseburger. |
| <> Monday October 4th 2004 <> Hit the monkey and win a cookie! Cubs elimination entry # 2 "Blow, Cubs bloooooow.... Blow, Cubs bloooooooow..... Hey Chicago, what do you say, The Cubs are gonna lose to-day!" And now, for some loser-Cubs laughing. Ah- hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha The Nomar Trade, which went against all logic. It was a gift ..a completely, lop-sided gift that made me hate baseball this year. How in the hell could one team unload one of its top players for literally nothing in return? You cannot believe how fucking mad that trade made me. This was like, red-hot burning down in the soul hot as fire-mad. Tho in retrospect, Nomar didn't play a lot due to the injury, and him being around only made the difference for a couple of games. Probably without him, the Cubs would had been eliminated a week or two earlier. Ah- haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw. The Cubs vastly-overrated pitching staff breaking down....literally. And has this team ever won a big game? Nope. They always trip over and piss on themselves. You know, the word "potential" only goes so far....and it's only good for paper. So what does 2005 bring for the Cubs? Let's see.....it means everyone is a year older.. Remlinger, Clement and Farnsworth are almost a lock to be gone....and you still have no closer! Wheeeee! |
| <> Sunday October 3rd 2004 <> "We don't use contractions in this house!" Whew! That was a close one! The Eagles almost didn't cover the spread but they did!! WOO HOO! And the Bears lost. Terrible...just terrible. |
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| <> Tuesday October 5th 2004 <> "Have you seen the grand coolie working on the railroad?" Cubs elimination entry # 3 There was nothing more priceless than seeing the look of a disappointed Cubs fan at the ballpark. There was nothing more poetic nor artisitic than seeing them find a new way to lose a game. It was pretty amusing how this team had like, zero chemistry; and bad-mouthed Steve Stone on a telephone from the dugout during a game. And what a great choke it was. YES!! I haven't seen a team choke that bad down the stretch since probably the what, '97 Angels who blew like a what, 6 game lead to the Mariners? Aww who cares. And the overly-confident Cubs folk....Steve Stone kept praising what a wonderfully easy schedule the Cubs had, and yesterday's game how he kept saying like 50 fricking times "Well the wind is blowing OUT". After all the controversy Stone was stirring up this week, I think he was trying to motivate the team. So bye-bye Cubs and have fun watching the playoffs on TV! Haw-haw! |
| <> Thursday October 7th 2004 <> . Vulgar Masterpiece Cartoon Theatre presents......Berenstain Bears in.... "Mother's Inconstancy" Mother Bear sitting at the kitchen table, elbows on the table / hands resting on face. Mother: "Oh I am just so moody!" Papa Bear: **walks in** "[cheerfully] oooooooh I better go check the bear-calendar!" Mother: "I am just so stressed out!" **Cuts to flashback sequences** Flashback # 1: Mother: **shouting at family** "Stop eating so much damn junk food!!!" Flashback # 2: Mother: **shouting at family** "Get off of your stupid lazy bear-asses and go outside and play!!!" Flashback # 3: Mother: "Papa, you stupid dumb son of a bitch!!!" Flashback # 4: Mother: "Put down those god damn Atari controllers and go outside and play!!" Flashback # 5: Mother: **shouting at family** "Stop watching so much TV! Turn off the TV!! I said turn it off!!!!" Flashback # 6: Mother: **shouting** "What did I just tell you?!!! Because I 'said so' !!!" Flashback # 7: Mother: **shouting at Brother Bear** "Brother, stop sexually discriminating against Sister Bear!" Flashback # 8: Mother: **shouting** "Don't do THAT! You make me sick!!" Flashback # 9: Mother: **shouting** "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!" Flashback # 10: Mother: **standing by the kitchen sink and slams a dinner plate down on the floor** **end of flashback sequences** Mother Bear: "I just don't get it." **sighs** Papa: "So anyway, hey kids! You want some honey comb ice cream treats??" Brother and Sister Bear: "Yeah!!" Papa: "Ooooookay! Here's some free money for everyone!" Mother: **fuming now** "That's IT. I'm handing out spankings to all of you!!" **Mother Bear spanks Papa Bear** Papa: **excited** "Woo hoo now we're talking!!" **Mother Bear runs over to Sister Bear and slaps her in the butt really hard. A loud pow is heard.** Mother Bear: "OWWW!!!! **shakes stinging off hand** What the hell??!" Sister Bear: "I stuffed a hardcover book down my pants! I was sliding down the rocky hill today and the book really smoothed out the ride! Tho it totally tore up my overalls." Mother Bear: **angry** "Grrrrrrrr! Okay Brother Bear, it's your turn." Brother Bear: **stares down Mother Bear** Mother Bear: **spanks Brother on the ass and turns around** Brother Bear: **spanks his mom on the ass** Mother Bear: "HEY!!! What do you think you're doing??" Brother Bear: "an eye for an eye, a leg for a leg." Mother Bear: "Oh that's IT you're going down!!" **rolls up sleeve** **Mother and Brother Bear continue to slap and pinch each other for a while** Papa Bear: **yawns** "What a fat, surly bitter old woman." **takes a nap** ADVERTISEMENT: "Today's column was sponsored by the National Organization of Penis Cancer Treatment Foundation." END |
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| <> Sunday October 17th 2004 <> "Well apparently lesbianism leads to cancer." Well the Bears lost again, and it's all our QB Quinn's fault (he has a first name, I just can't remember it nor does he deserve one, because he and Colin Quinn both suck). The Bears actually had a chance to win this game, but Quinn absolutely fucking refuses to throw the ball away, resulting in sacks with huge losses of yards. And I'm pissed because I actually picked the Bears the win, only because the Redskins are that bad, too. All I can say now is "Goooo draft pick!" But, of course, every single year the Bears always screw up their draft pick by winning a late season game or two. |
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| <> Friday October 8th 2004 <> I need to Smurf-bate. -o- "So wait...Bernie Mac's "Uncle" was actually his biological father?? So Bernie's mom slept and got it on with her brother??? I'm confused!" "No, man.....!" -o- radio commercial with annoying poppy background music: "Hi, this is Larry Bagina of Bagina Jewelry Outlet. Diamonds a girl's best friend and nothing says "love" like a diamond earring from Bagina Jewelry Outlet. We're committed to running this commercial at least 3 times every hour to remind all of you stupid males out there that when you screw up, and I mean really, REALLY screw up at home, nothing says "love" like a piece of high-quality-looking jewelry at bargain basement prices! So if it's Bagina, you "know" it's quality! Wink wink hahaha!" annoying music concludes. |
| <> Thursday October 14th 2004 <> "It sounds like someone is trying earn some jewelry!" Well I saw a thread title that was calling my name, it was "What is it about Football......" then the rest of the entry went: ".....that makes you LOVE Baseball so much??" So I decided to vent (unfortunately in a sane matter). "It's because I'm sick and tired of almost every play in football resulting in a penalty. The offense getting rewarded yards on passing interference on a catch that never happened. How almost every big run is brought back 10 yards for holding. How a kicker can miss an easy PAT or field goal from 20 yards out but can hit a 55 yard one. How it doesn't matter where a football team plays (they can play in a Hollywood studio with special effects & we could never tell the difference on TV) and how most football stadiums have no characteristic or difference on TV. How in football, after almost every play, somebody or two is celebrating for making a catch / tackle. (Tho I hate pitchers who start screaming and pointing upwards after a strikeout like they just won the game) How in football, refs screw up so much more with obvious penalties, ball placement than umpires do with bad calls / outs / foul balls (excluding the homeplate umpires's balls & strikes of course) How a football team is only on TV once a week instead of 6 or 7 days a week. Too many damn TV time-outs in football. It shouldn't take 3 1/2 hours to play a 60 minute game. Football teams wearing dark jerseys with dark pants (The Illini wearing all orange, the Bills / Seahawks wearing all dark blues, Cardinals in all red, Jaguars wearing all black, etc) How it's more of which football team screws up less than the team who executes more that decides who wins. (in College it's even worse) How in football when teams KNOW there's a spread to cover by, and instead of covering the spread, they just take a knee to run out the clock! (lost many picks because of that)" END Here's what someone else wrote on the subject: John Madden. Hank Williams, Jr. The Fox pregame show. Chris Berman. Those Coors Light "twins" commercials. Endzone dances. Wardrobe malfunctions. Instant replay. Up With People singing "The Impossible Dream" during a Blue Angels flyover at halftime with bands. (Apologies to Tom Boswell for that one.) Belligerant, overweight, inebriated mouth-breathers in the stands. In 20-odd years of attending baseball games I don't think I've ever seen as many lowlife types as I have at a single Detroit Lions football game. The fact that football knocks important baseball games off the radio in my market, despite the fact that baseball is a vastly superior radio sport. END But I'm still a big football fan, seriously. But it's just these things that make it for a long, boring game. |
| <> Saturday October 9th 2004 <> Happy 25th Birthday, Mike! Ah Saturday. I spent the day painting for a job. Nothing like running on fumes while inhaling fumes all day. I hope Mike is enjoying his new grill. Last night over at Alan's we made some fucking awesome burgers on his grill. We got these two 85% lean beef patties for $1.50 or $3 or something, threw them on the charcoal grill, and these babies just plumped up! We put them on these thick soft onion buns we got and man was it good! I had a little mayo on mine, and some ketchup and mustard on the side, and of course, I had 3 slices of cheese on my burger (this burger was at least 1 1/2 inches thick) Mmmm mmmmm. And while Mike got a propane grill (and good for him), I prefer the slow roasting flavorful musk of charcoal. You can pick different flavors of charcoal or wood chips, and you don't have to worry about charcoal EXPLODING on you! Hahaha! Yeah, it may take a little longer to cook it, but I prefer to take my time grilling. And there's so many things in general you can grill: Burgers, hot dogs, corn on the cob, fish or potatoes (wrapped in foil), roast beef, chicken, pork chops, ribs, sausage, shishkabobs, or toast smores. I'm sure there's other things you can grill, I once grilled frozen breaded chicken patties for a burger on the grill and it wasn't bad. Tho I suppose you could cook anything on it in a pan. Oh and yes, you shouldn't ever clean out the ashes. "Ashes from the past�burgers for the future." Same thing with the grease, of course. "Grease from the past....flavor for the future." |
| <> Sunday October 10th 2004 <> "It's some kind of horseshit." Oh no..it's time for another installment of "Ask Porter". Dear Porter, Like, my husband is losing his like, hair, okay, and like, and it's like, making him bald and ugly, but like, his back hair seems to be growing more and like, why? ~Mrs Know it all Dear Mrs Know it all, well Mrs self-proclaimed know it all, every man is born with a certain number of hairs..and this balance is always constant, it's just that sometimes over the years this balance will shift to other parts of the body from the head, especially from the head down to the back. Thus meaning, every man has a "master log hair", meaning this is the hair that keeps that balance locked in place, and usually is the lowest hair located on the forehead. It's like when the master log in a beaver's dam is out, the dam collapses. So, if the "master log hair" falls out, chaos ensues and thus "balding" of the head occurs. Hope this helps. -o- Dear stupid fat lazy American Porter, You think you won the Expos du Montr�al Baseball but you are wrong! RICO will come and sue you stupid fat lazy American and les Canadians will come and steal les Expos away from you! We will piss on your happy parade! You have not won anything! We support our baseball team! Stupid American! Dear Canuck, # 1, Washington D.C. (which is in America, btw) now has the Expos. # 2, No, you didn't support the Expos; that's why D.C. (which is in America) has the team and you don't. Quit your bitching because # 3, we WIN and # 4, we have a team and you don't! Suck it! -o- deer Rudsgurr, Yous very stooopid. Yoo not smrt end yoo stooopid. Amercan Eyedol rulzz!!! Me no unduhstand yoo. Me say you dye now!!!!!!! Yore fwiend, Woo Poo. Dear Woo Poo, I haven't heard from you since 1991. And you're still not my friend you stupid piece of pigshit! |
| <> Monday October 11th 2004 <> Where's the beef? Well today I spotted another Hummer...only this time it was on George Costanza's new show on the CBS Monday Night powerhouse lineup "Listen Up", which originally was entitled "Shut up and Listen!" which I think is a lot better. Apparently George got to borrow a Hummer while his car was being repaired and it impressed his bratty-"like whatever!" teenage daughter. If you didn't know, the show is based on the loud and very jackassholed Tony Kornheiser. The same stupid Tony Kornheiser who has :30 second shouting matches with a black guy on ESPN and complains about how his family doesn't respect him at all (which of course the entire TV show depicts on that). I suppose when you're blabbing on the radio and on ESPN everyday about your horrible life, it isn't hard to figure out. Tony, you seriously need to shut the hell up. -o- Dear Lynn Johnston, your daily comic strip "For Better or For Worse" is ever more-so showing the ravages of your mental breakdown of senility. Your jokes make absolutely no sense, and you're obviously living in your own fantasy world with the aid of either LSD or some other kind of hallucinogen drug. I don't know what they teach you canucks in Canada, aye, but it is not safe to each the mushrooms off the ground!! You once said that your comic strip was based on your life....but your children (assuming you haven't eaten them by now) are all in their 30's now. Apparently due to menopause or your sterile persona and body, you were forced to make up an annoying fantasy child named 'April', who apparently has many friends, a pet rabbit (go ask Alice when she's ten feet tall) hangs out at the senior center and has her own crappy band, and is always wandering around; flaunting herself in her trendy raucous clothes. Please stop wasting ink!! Please stop cluttering up the comics page. It's a world-wide newspaper in syndication,..... not the Mental Institution refrigerator. Sincerely, the Expensed Reading Public." |
| <> Wednesday October 13th 2004 <> "I have an Eriatric Profanity Disorder." Here's a random sportsfan quote: "Who can say watching Schilling get shut down after running his mouth and 55,000 Yankee Fans chanting "Who's your Daddy" isn't MUCH more appealing than the Cardinals/Astros?" And, of course, my response: The only way the Red Sox / Yankees match up is appealing is when the games are close / if the Red Sox actually win. I hate the Yankees and I'm sick and tired of them always winning...especially over the Red Sox..and I'm not even a Red Sox fan. There's nothing appealing about watching a Red Sox team's two aces suddenly falling apart and their hitting non-existent and the Yankees pitchers suddenly start pitching extraordinary. It's very obvious that the momentum is going completely one team's way and it makes for a boring CS. Are we going to be spending the rest of our lives watching the Yankees in the playoffs every year? The Astros / Cardinals series has been totally more exciting and has had much better baseball being played in it.. but that Astros bullpen is wearing thin. |
| <> Friday October 15th 2004 <> "I'm coming, Elizabeth!" Well today for lunch we went to Connie's pizza for the lunch buffet. I haven't been to Connie's since probably 1996 and at that location since probably 1991. I had about 10 slices of pizza.... some thin, some thick, and about 4 (small bowls) of New England Clam Chowder soup. Pizza and soup, now that's a winning combination! The food was great and we were having a great time....until the stupid waitress decided to seat this middle-aged couple with an infant child right next to us. Never mind that there were tons of booths and other open tables around, I guess the precious waitress didn't want to walk those extra 10 feet. So what happens? The infant child, probably no older than 4 or 6 months old, begins whining at the top of its lungs "mama" over and over, and then into some other inaudible bitching. I'm sorry, but I didn't pay good money for this nice treat to have it ruined by some stupid yuppie couple bringing their whining brat for the public to see. You think anyone else wants to hear that shit while they're out in a public place?? Do those people have such an ego that they think everyone wants to see their infant?? As we were getting up to leave, I said loud enough for the yuppie couple to hear.. "I'm getting an vasectomy!" Yeah, I'm an asshole, but couldn't they find a babysitter for the lunch hour?? Never mind that Connie's delivers the same food to your house! I mean, couldn't you just leave the baby in its crib for that lunch hour? What the hell could possibly happen?? Feed it some Nyquil and it'll be fine. Also today we went to Tower Records and I picked up Alice Cooper's 1971 masterpiece album "Killer". Every time I hear the 7th track of the album; "Dead Babies", it makes me want to play video game hockey, ever since I made it the background dittie for NHL 2002 and I've heard it probably a million times. |
| <> Saturday October 16th 2004 <> Snappy the Alligator Are we all very happy? Do we all have an extra spring in our step?? It's because we're now living in an era of television free of Jillian Barberie! There's nothing more disgusting than a 50 year old woman who annoying and thinks she's funnier than she really is and dresses like an 18 year old slut. -o- "Hey. HEY! How would you like it if I want in YOUR house and pooped all over your floor, huh?? Oh forget it, it's pointless. You'd just come in and eat it."~Mr. James talking to his dog Roofer |
| <> Friday October 22nd 2004 <> "Shit up, Al!" There's still a ton of talk that Steve Stone is going to leave / get fired by the Cubs, with Chip Caray gone. Who the hell is there to announce games? My nomination, of course, would be Dick Vitale. Could you imagine this guy behind a mic for over 3 hours a day for 162 games a year? Dick Vitale: "YEAH THAT WAS A STRIKE, BABY!" Dick Vitale: "THAT BALL WAS JUST FOUL!! AWESOME, BABY!" Dick Vitale: "THAT BALL IS LONG GONE, YEAH BABY!!" Dick Vitale: THAT PITCH WENT RIGHT INTO THE CATCHER'S GLOVE, BABY!!" Dick Vitale: "HOMER-BOOMER MOON SHOT, BABY! " Dick Vitale: "I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE 1st PITCH TO THIS BATTER, YEAH BABY!!!" And, I'd like to apply for the job as the Cubs 3rd base coach. Cubs management: "Could you at least take off your White Sox cap when you say that?" Oh, sorry. Heheh. Slam-a-lam-a! Ding dong! |
| <> Saturday October 23rd 2004 <> "it would be nice to walk across the water again." Oh my god!! I am such a fucking careless idiot!!! While I was cleaning some old files on geocities, I accidentally had "adaily_column.html"'s box checked and this whole fucking page got deleted! Good fucking god! I only had about 3 entries in their pure form saved on a temp file, about roughly 10 entries saved on the hard drive and the rest I had to completely start over with scratch. Oh god, let this be a lesson for all of you young journalists out there: always back up your work! ALWAYS BACK UP YOUR WORK! SAVE THE FUCKING FILE EVERY 5 MINUTES!!!! I cannot overstate this enough. Fucking save, save, save save your work! After some 4 to 5 hours of going back, final-proofing entries again, applying colors and boldness, the column is back up to what looks like the original thing. Some of the rants aren't as long, but I guess that could be considered a good thing ;) But shit, back up your work! Copy and paste and save entries into *.html files and text files and store them somewhere else besides your hard drive! So what's the moral of the lesson? ALWAYS FUCKING BACK UP YOUR WORK! SAVE THE FUCKING FILE EVERY 5 MINUTES!! Oh yeah, the Red Sox and the Cardinals slugged it out, fell over, got hit on the arms with balls and this resulted in the Red Sox winning game 1 of the World Series. |
| <> Sunday October 24th 2004 <> Piss on down the river. (save) Another Bears loss, another loss closer to getting the high draft pick. Go draft pick! Right up there you see the old Tampa Bay Buccaneer's mascot "Bucco Bruce" from the team's inception in 1976 until 1996 and thus inspired the "Creamsicle uniforms" which now are one of my all-time favorite football jerseys. I'm not really into the current Bucs color scheme, which is "pewter" (dirty bronze) black and red with a tiny pinch of orange. When I first saw the Bucs trot out in those pewter pants in 1997, I thought they were naked! It took my eyes like 5 minutes to adjust seeing this color I never saw before (and from the angle on TV for that moment, you couldn't see the color stripes down the side; hence the naked effect.) You know, it's getting sad in this town how that the Bears and Bulls always seem to start with tough schedules (save) and always seem to be in a huge hole and their seasons are over before they can even generate fan interest. The Bears problem always has been the inability to land a great QB. Every single year it's always some shitty reject from another team and they never, ever go after the big Free Agent QB. I guess their philosophy is that the QB really isn't that important and to spend the money (save) on other parts of the team. (save) Now what looked like sure wins in the schedule (SF, NYG) now look like tough games to win. It's moments like these that make me glad I'm not a season-ticket holder, or am never considering going to a game in the near future. And now, I'd like to talk about football rivalries. Sometimes I think people get carried away with rooting for their team so hard and rooting against their rival so hard. I mean, how in the hell can you hate a town and all of its people just because of their stupid football team? You go to games and people start fights with the other team's fans?? Normally I'd approve (save) such behavior, but for some weird moment I felt like the fans were bigger than the game. Tho, I think of a certain baseball team that I hate and it's in the same damn town as my team. Rant moot. And I can't believe last night that I stayed up until 3am to watch a PBS documentary on a bunch of Hippos in Africa fanning their poop around with their tail (and watching the monkeys eat the Hippo shit shortly afterwards). (save) The hippos were trying to maul each other by opening their huge mouths and ramming straight at each other's mouth....instead of actually going for the good spots like the neck where all the veins are. (save) It was narrated by Mark "Luke Skywalker" Hamill. Btw Star Wars sucked. Mark Hamill: "And the challenger has backed down and the Beachmaster returns to rule the river and to now choose from any of the 200 females to carry on his legacy. But that's not the only reason why I'm here today. I'm here to talk about....MCI. Their long-distance phone call rates compared to other competitors can save you over 10% a year...." Nerd: [whining] "Ahhhhhhh talk about Star Wars!!!" Homer Simpson: "Hey, SHUT UP, NERD!! The man is trying to save us money on long-distance!!!" (save) |
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| <> Monday October 25th 2004 <> "I Hate Fuckin' Christmas" Apparently "douchebag" is the word of 2004. -o- You know, it would be nice to see them make a new Simpsons episode where Homer wasn't stupid as shit and he wasn't there solely as a gag / one-line machine. And "Yes, Dear" is still the worst show in syndication. The producers of the show should be ashamed of themselves for wasting so much film! Speaking of canned laughter.... if you have an ear (or two) or watch any poorly written shows you should notice they all use the laugh track, the same voices laughing; the same tone, the same length. It's become painfully obvious that no one wants to actually show up and witness these terrible shows / these television are too god damn cheap to spring for a different laugh track CD. -o- "And the Miss America pageant has been dropped by a Network for the 1st time in like 50 years. Why? Because rating are at an all-time low. The other day I was discussing with Potsie down at the soda shop on how we needed to rush home and catch the Miss America pageant, and some young person overheard our conversation and shouted right at us: "Dude! Nobody cares about your stupid beauty pageant for dinosaurs!!!" We were shocked. Just.....utterly...... shocked." |
| <> Tuesday October 26th 2004 <> humped by a squeaky blubbery dolphin Well it's a week before the election, and it's time for me to state where I stand on the issues as if I were running for President. Here is Part 1. Tho I should warn you that some of these stances are not really what I believe in. Tho I'm not telling you which ones aren't! ;) Gambling / Smokes & Booze While I personally condemn gambling, and think it is a total evil upon society, it does create dynamic revenue to poorly governed cities who (defeated by their own logic) continue to keep losing more money and climbing further into debt even with raising taxes. So I say, let's open up casino's everywhere! Poker machines at the bank! Craps tables in the schoolyard! Speaking of poker machines and revenue, I'd like to bring back the old relic of the cigarette machine. There was a really nice digital one that they demo-ed in Cleveland last year. Cigarette and alcohol taxes will be slashed by 50%, and a 2,000 day freeze on the raise of all cigarette and alcohol tax. All other drugs and intoxicants will remain illegal. Music In light of having seen William Shatner perform his newest "music" on the Tonight Show....and the Ashlee Simpson embarrassment of her lip-syncing on SNL on October 23rd (and we all have our own copies of it) and proving once again the complete phoniness of the pop music industry (aka corporate pop) and in light of all the crappy music been made in the past some 5 to 8 years, by my administration, everyone for the next 5 years will have to put down their instruments, and spend this time reflecting music of the past instead of trying to copy / butcher it or churn out their own vile rendition. Making new music will now become a punishable offense by law. There will be no new music as of January 1st 2005 released. Michael Jackson is hereby banned from the United States. And that is the end of Part 1. |
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| <> Wednesday October 27th 2004 <> My Celibate Wife & Stupid Kid |
| Congratulations to the 2004 World Champion Boston Red Sox!! They did it!!! They actually won the World Series for the first time in 86 years!! Way to go!
Tonight was a night of history. It marks the first Red Sox World Series Championship since the Red Sox sold Babe Ruth to the Yankees. And the way they |
| got to the World Series, being down 3 games to none in the ALCS against the Yankees and were within 3 outs of elimination, came back and won 4 straight and then another 4 straight for the World Series sweep. Now, the Cardinals. I have never seen a team fuck up so badly in the clutch. Their starting pitching was horrible, their baserunning was atrocious, and their hitters absolutely never came thru. The Cardinals won 105 games during the season, 112 total. But in September they really cooled off, and it showed especially during the NCLS against the Astros. While the World Series wasn't as exciting as the ALCS where, it's better that the Red Sox swept the WS leaving no doubt that they were the better team. After each Red Sox WS win, I couldn't get excited about it.... I was happy but I couldn't show any emotion..it was always "Okay, that's game 1....3 to go...."etc etc. But as for Game 4 of the WS, the Cardinals could have easily won that game, and it wasn't till Keith Foulke's toss to 1st base did it finally "feel" like a Red Sox championship. Nor did I ever think I'd see a "Red Sox World Championship", but it finally happened. What does this mean for other teams? Well, the Yankees will probably monopolize the Free Agent Market again and sign every person they can, and for other teams, it gives them a little more hope. But realistically, you need money. And lots of it if you want to do what the Red Sox did. Keep in mind the Red Sox had the second highest payroll. And the Red Sox chances of winning a World Series in this era is actually much better that it was 10 to 20 years ago. Why? The Yankees tend to buy the most expensive players around, and sometimes they'll get injured or have shitty to average seasons. And best thing out of this, is we won't ever have to hear about that stupid bullshit "Curse of the Bambino" anymore. And people can finally stop riding Bill Buckner's ass. |
| <> Thursday October 28th 2004 <> "Octopuses Counting Crows" Well now it's back to my election-week theme column of where I stand on the issues and what my administration stands for. Again, not all of these are my actual stances on the issue, and I'm still not telling you which ones are real and which ones are not! ;) Part 2. Sexual Intercourse & Family Birth control, including single-day packages for those women who accidentally missed their pill, plenty of rubber-dick condoms and morning-after pills will now be widely available on every street corner, every gas station, convenience store and supermarket with no regulation on the buyer's age. All couples considering to have children will now have to go to a qualified government agency to be thoroughly tested with intellectual tests, sit thru some 50 hours of real-life videos of parents talking about their life, parenting and their kids and the financial burdens, not to mention the ravages of family life and the handcuffed-like restraints on any future dreams or spontaneous urges. Couples would be tested for STDs, drugs and DNA, as well as family medical history. The National United States Child Quota For Families is now two. Any couple who wishes to have more children (and succeeds) will now be heavily fined and taxed as a result. This administration strongly believes and supports population control, and those who have zero, 1 or 2 kids will receive tax breaks accordingly. It would also be an effort to privatize the school system, and only those who actually have children in the school system should have to pay the school tax. Why should someone who is 60 years old, has no children nor has ever put a child in the school system be forced to pay taxes on a product that has no bearing on them?? This Administration strongly supports abortion, and feels that people can get as many abortions as they want for whatever reason they choose, including using abortion as birth control. And that is the end of Part 2. |
| <> Friday October 29th 2004 <> "So we salute...'People-eater!' " Steve Stone quit as the Cubs color analyst!! And *why*, you ask? After Cubs players didn't like what Stone was saying in the Cubs broadcast booth (hence, saying they were playing like shit; blaming the umpires, the fans, the cameras and the media / everyone but themselves) Cubs players were calling Stone from the dugout during games to complain about him, Stone saying Manager Dusty Baker didn't give him any credit for spreading a good word about Dusty before he became a manager; players got into heated profane-laced shouting matches with Stone on team charter flights, and Cubs management had meetings with Stone about the situation. Eventually, after his partner Chip Caray went to Atlanta to work with his dad Chip on Braves games, Stone was pissed again that the Cubs didn't match Atlanta's offer. So Stone, who returned after a few years of absence, has left again. Once again, Cubs management has managed to piss off another Cubs icon. Of course, some Tribune Cub owners are glad Stone is gone, because Stone was more interested in 'telling it like it is' than totally blowing up this candy-ass loveable Cubs image. Stone's approach was more like "Yeah, you're a Cubs fan, but here's why you're actually too stupid to know better...." So that's that. The Cubs have no TV announcing crew. The Tribune Co. is not calling anyone, so anyone can call up and ask for an audition. Seriously. You just have to know a lot about baseball and not mind being criticized by millions of people across the nation. Personally, I'd like Stone's job, but, of course, I too would be more like Stone than always saying the "Cubs are wonderful!" bullshit. Basically, the Cubs didn't deserve Stone and would be better served if they had two really loud mouthed jackasses who love to scream "Cubs win!" than actually talk about the game of baseball (specifically the shortcomings of the team and the other teams & players). Stone says he'd still want to be the head of a baseball team; either as a President / GM or owner. Which right now, could be the Washington Ballclub. Personally, I'd like to see Stone go announce for the White Sox and have them fire Hawk Harrelson and DJ. But yeah, the 2005 Cubs TV booth just got a wholelot shittier. |
| <> Saturday October 30th 2004 <> "well if I don't ever poop again, well that's just who I'm gonna be!" FSU football, you stupid dumbass motherfuckers! You lost to a shitty team and completely fucked up your chances for a National Title! And even worse, you ruined my perfect week in the ESPN College Pick 'Em's! Back to my election-week theme column of where I stand on the issues and what my administration stands for. Again, not all of these are my actual stances on the issue, and I'm still not telling you which ones are real and which ones are not! ;) Part 3. Bans / Condemnation. On the subject of clowns. This administration will make it illegal to dress up as a clown, and all possible evidence of clowns (including video tape, DVDs, pictures of clowns and Ronald McDonald) will promptly be destroyed in weekly town bon fires. I absolutely refuse to look directly at a clown, and when I see one, I look away and if one is trying to talk to me or hand me something, I completely ignore them. You have to be one sick motherfucker to dress up as a clown. There's just something about clowns that's morbidly evil. Yeah, I don't give a shit if you like clowns or say we shouldn't ban them, but I think there's more than enough people in this country that hate them. So naturally by doing this, the "clown" and clown paraphernalia will become collector's items and beloved as lawn darts, which of course still enjoy a huge underground following since being banned in 1987. The ordered shut-down of the hellhole-on-Earth, all Disney theme parks and stores will be shut down and plummeted to the ground into a pile of puke-laced rubble. A yearly November issue will be on the ballot on to whether or not destroy / ban all Disney merchandise....or until the issue passes. As well as all Chuckie Cheeses will be decontaminated and demolished. All children under 10 years old are hereby banned from dining in at every restaurant. Those parents / guardians who can't control their children's whining, crying and disruptive behavior will be asked to leave the establishment and their food will be brought out to an outdoor patio or to their car. This administration will order a complete investigation of the McDonalds restaurant corporation, and will be put on probation and/or to be shut down until they start selling healthier forms of their food (at the expense of the customer, of course) and do not use ingredients & chemicals that are addictive. Speaking of the internet, no one under 18 years of age is allowed to access the internet for any reason or purpose. You need to go do a research report? Look it fucking up in the encyclopedia! You need to know what the weather is? Watch the god damn news or go outside! You want to talk to your idiot friends from school? Call them up on the phone or go to the damn Mall again! Anyone under 18 really has no business being on the net. There is nothing worse that trying to debate with idiot teenagers on a message board, who have absolutely no grip on grammar or punctuation whatsoever, tho most adults don't either, but that's another topic. And how teenagers tend to use their stupid slang that makes them look even more stupid. And how are we going to prevent these little shits from getting online? Well, that's something for me to find out, and for YOU to pay for! That's why you need to elect me! And that is the end of Part 3. |
| <> Sunday October 31st 2004 <> "Now lets trash up this dump!" You stupid fucking idiots!!! You just won a pointless game! What are you trying to do, cripple our future?? The Bears always do this. They start off with a horrible, shitty record; like the worst in the league, then suddenly they win a few pointless games and thus completely screw up their draft pick spot. Tho this game was bizarre, to say the least. For some reason, both teams had the desire to kick 50 yard field goals whenever they had they chance. Yet, somehow both teams made the first 3 FG's, with the latter two both hitting the horizontal cross bar and tipped in. The 4th one (this one by the Bears) ended up literally an inch too short from the cross bar. And, of course, the norm with shitty teams, the Special Teams / Defense ended up scoring most of the points. And, of course, the wonderful Instant Replay got another call wrong; which unfortunately went in the Bears favor. The 49ers were passing, and the ball was thrown shitily (of course) and a Bear, who was touched (no not that way!) by the 49ers Wide Receiver, and bobbled the pass then eventually caught the ball for an interception, only his knee was down twice in the 3 seconds this happened at his own 29 yard line, and yet he proceeds to run 71 yards for the TD that put the game away. I say he was down, the announcers say he was down, but yet the ref says he wasn't. So naturally, this brings to a pointless Bears win on Halloween Night. And not to mention, the Bears on the previous possession got the ball spotted on the 50 yard line even tho the Bears never made it that far & got the 1st down. Normally I'd pretty happy about this, but when you start 1-5, it's Draft Pick time! Root root root draft pick! Oh god, that's enough bitching about football. Let's get back to the politics that may or may not actually stand for this administration. And I'm still not telling you what's real and what isn't! ;) Part 4. Misc. The long-known secret of "the car that runs on water" will now be sold and available to all. Everyone over 65 will be required to renew their driver's license every year along with a vision test. Every 2 years they will also be required to take the written test for senility. Holidays April 26 will now be known as "National Cheese Day". October 9th will now be known as "National Diarrhea Appreciation Day." March 15th will now be known as "National Anus Appreciation Day" The 2nd week of February is now "National Dead Animals Week." The 2nd week of September is now "National Open / Excess Masturbation Week." The 3rd week of August is now "National Fart Week." The 2nd week of May is now "National Profanity Week." All other National & Federal Holidays will be moved to Friday excluding Christmas and New Years to avoid having inconvenient days off in the middle of the week. While on the topic, St. Patrick's Day will now be a Federal holiday, as well as March 16th so people can sleep off their hangovers. The 2nd Friday of August will now be known as "Love Day" Federal holiday. end of Part 4. |
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