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| > Sunday April 1st, 2007 < �The price of ginger has caused us to relocate.� Alright, here we go again. The Untitled Daily Column Project is back and it still has no name. Opening Day is tomorrow, and I�ll have my baseball picks up shortly. A few thoughts on this season: I have no idea who will win the World Series. The N.L. East is up for either the Mets or Phillies, the Central is so wide open the Milwaukee Brewers could win it, and the West is the usual borefest. The A.L. East will be for the nth time Red Sox vs Yankees. The theory going around is that the A.L. Central is going to have 4 first place teams in it. However, Minnesota lost two starting pitchers, Cleveland has like no bullpen or solid starter past the # 2, and the Tigers will inevitably be strained with tired and overused arms like last season�s White Sox, and Kenny Rogers will miss at least half the season. So basically, it�s the White Sox division to lose, and if people, especially the starting pitching and especially Mark Buehrle start tanking, then the Sox will finish either 3rd or 4th. I didn�t even bat an eyelash when Ozzie Guillen said he wanted Carlos Zambrano in a Sox uniform next season. Completely unrealistic, the Sox will never give out a contract for more than 3 years and they refuse to pay free agent pitchers (it�s all cheap and young from here out). Suffice to say, I wasn�t too thrilled of trading Freddy Garcia over the Winter, but apparently his velocity is still down and Kenny pulled a turd-on-your-face trade with the Phillies, and luck have it, the Phillies play in the most homer-friendly park. I�m still pretty pissed off about the McCarthy trade with Texas, turns out the Sox didn�t like his �attitude� and other stupid shit. Well shit, if I was a starting pitcher and I got stuck in the bullpen while a crappy pitcher like Javier Vazquez pitched in my place, I�d be pissed off too. I�ll tell you about the White Sox: if you don�t get along and kiss their asses no matter how big of a jerk or how stupid they are or how warped their being of logic is, you won�t be on the team, no matter how good you are or what you�ve done for them. Also on Monday, we�ll have a new NCAA Basketball Champion. I don�t ever recall the Championship being on the same day as Opening Day. Two major events shouldn�t happen on the same day. But anyways, the blog is back. In conclusion: Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul. Billy Madison: Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine. |
| > Monday April 2nd, 2007 < �Chicago Train Derailment Blues� And now, my 2007 picks: A.L. West ANA TEX OAK SEA N.L. West LAD SD SF ARI COL * - Wild Card ALDS: NYY over ANA in 3 ALWC: CHW over BOS in 5 ALCS: NYY over CHW in 6 NLDS: NYM over LAD in 4 NLWC: PHI over HOU in 3 NLCS: PHI over NYM in 6 WS: NYY over PHI in 6. What is my reasoning behind this? I don�t know. Quite honestly, I could reverse any of those combinations, and I�d say potentially anyone of those teams could win it all. All it takes is a hot streak. I�m wary of picking a Philly team to win it all, since they tend to choke the most. I say teams that are headed for a huge crash this year are: OAK, WAS, PIT, ATL, MIN and BAL. In a happy world, the Devil Rays would qualify for a Wild Card and the Brewers would win the N.L. Central, with the D-Backs suddenly taking charge of the N.L. West and the White Sox start off April with 19 wins. Of course, none of this will ever happen, and it will be the same boring shit again this year. Yeah the Yankee�s Opening Day pitcher Carl Pavano hasn�t pitched since mid �05 and you�d love to see that pitching staff completely fall apart, but that stupid lineup of theirs will keep them in every game all summer. And now, we bring our attention to this matter: 755. The once-thought unreachable and most prestigious of all sports records is now a mere fart away from being broken. Karma will be doing everything it can through the people involved to make sure this doesn�t happen (maybe a little help from Karma�s cousin, �Superstition�, and his sister, �Coincidence�). I can honestly say that if Bonds breaks that homerun record, we can officially burn the record book, because it will be completely useless & I will never believe a single record ever again nor will I ever defend a single stat ever again. And I hope that if you get the Extra Innings package, that you have Direct TV, otherwise you�re completely shit out of luck. Way to fuck your fans up the ass, MLB. |
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CHW DET CLE MIN KC N.L. Central HOU STL MIL CIN CHC PIT |
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NYY BOS * TOR TB BAL N.L. East PHI NYM * FLA ATL WAS |
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| Your daily dose of the absurd. |
| > Friday November 2nd, 2007 < "There's a murderer in the arena!" You still get absolutely STILL NOTHING. |
| > Thursday November 1st, 2007 < "There's a murderer in the car!" You still get NOTHING. |
| > Saturday November 3rd, 2007 < "There's a murderer in the country!" Notre Dame lost to Navy for the 1st time in 44 years to Navy yesterday in a triple-OT 46-43 loss at Sound Bend. I have to say, I literally screamed when I saw that score during the Chicago Bulls halftime show. They're now 1-8 and nearing their all-time worst record. Could you imagine what would happen if the Ohio State Buckeyes started off 1-8? They'd burn that campus down, that's what they would do. |
| > Sunday November 4th, 2007 < "And there's always that cocksucker who wants to be a motherfucker. Or vise versa." Alright. The Chicago Bears suck. 3-5 at the Bye, should be 1-7. They have no quarterback in Grossman or Griese, no running game with marshmallow soft Cedric "I was pampered at Texas' Benson; too many big money contracts on old, aging players, Brian Urlacher has an arthritic back and too many questions on both sides of the line. It was very odd to hear Urlacher, which apparently somebody pointed out that Bears fans thought of Urlacher as "the stoic type, he publishes a note from his doctor", talk about an injury. You just don't hear that kind of thing from a team leader. Next Sunday (who the hell schedules a Bye week on Daylight Savings Sunday??!) the Bears play the awful Raiders, and I don't think they could even beat them. Just on Friday I said "there's no way Notre Dame will lose to Navy" so yeah. Whether GM Jerry Angelo wants to admit, the Bears are in the rebuilding mode. At least I have the comfort that Rex Grossman won't be coming back next year, as well as possibly Benson. Also I think Angelo is terrible at drafting players, which is obvious to everyone. Speaking of the Bulls, it is not looking good for them this season. This is the first basketball game I've watched since last season, and I was a little rusty on what to look for. But apparently the Bulls are really sloppy, bad shooting amongst turnovers, and fouling way too much. It's an 82 game season (about 22 too long IMO) so there's nothing to worry about. I was however perplexed at the 35-32 Halftime score, tho that was "old thinking" and the days of 130-125 games are long gone. And no, I don't want that selfish prick Kobe Bryant on the Bulls. He's a ballhog and a turd. |
| > Monday November 5th, 2007 < " 'I think you should put a dead squirrel on a stake to send a message to them.' " STRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE! Writer's Guild of America on strike as of today. It's all about DVD royalties, so we'll see how long this strike will last. What will this mean for the time being? Immediately Leno / Letterman / Conan & all late night programming comes to an immediate halt, all your current scripted shows will go into repeats in late December / January, your returning Winter shows will have short runs, no new movies next Summer, expect a bunch of reality & news special e.g. Dateline, and your turd daytime shows like your Oprahs and your Ellens and your Rachael Rays will still be making new episodes, since their writers are a part of a different union. Also in the future, since the writers will win this strike with gains, expect to pay more for online TV shows & DVDs as well as rentals and movie tickets. I am not picking either side, because I can see the point for both sides, and things have changed a lot since the 22-week 1988 strike, which will give the Production Companies an early edge. The outcome of this strike will depend on how huge the public revolt is. Right now it's fine, with new shows still coming out. There's also an extremely huge archive of viewing material around as to compared of 1988, so perhaps there will be a huge rise in DVD rental sales. On the other hand, today there's a lot more turds out there with access to these companies, and if they're so bored with their lives, that they will have nothing better to do than bitch & moan to have their shows back on. Personally I'd like to see happen to us like on a Family Guy episode where Peter gave up television, and was living a much fuller life because of it. I fear that today's generation is nothing but a bunch of thin-skinned convenientized media whores who live in an earphoned battery powered world. Tho I've never been more indifferent to new TV shows these days since I am neither a fan of dramas, cop shows, judge & lawyer shows, reality TV (sans cooking ones) or shows aimed at young people, so this strike really won't affect me so much at all. Most of the shows I watch are repeats anyway, and in a world with sports, PBS, movies / Netflix, repeats, internet and radio, there's really no reason to panic or get angry at all. All you television media addicts need a break, anyway. |
| > Tuesday November 6th, 2007 < "Man makes Guinness World Record Book for most mucus produced" Hug this: IL girl gets to hug two days of detention Some middle school girl in uh.... Mascoutah, Illinois... don't know where the hell that is... got two days of detention for violating school policy of the No Hugging rule. Yahoo article here. First off, this story is extremely fucking stupid, & how is this news?? Secondly, and of course, the girl named Megan (insert Family Guy joke here) feels "it is crazy". Her parents "plan to attend the next school board meeting to ask board members to consider rewording the policy or be more specific in what is considered a display of affection. "I'm just hoping the school board will open their eyes and just realize that maybe they shouldn't be punishing us for hugs," Megan said" Who the hell do these people think they are? Your daughter breaks some school rule, and you have to call the press and made it seem like some dramatic / tragic sob story?! The world is not there to cater to their every need, and it's sure as hell not where we can pick and choose what laws or rules to follow. You broke the rules you dumb girl, now serve your time! There's a reason why the PDA rules are in place, and you sure as hell aren't bigger than the rules. And why the need to hug in the first place? The policy is not ridiculous, you're the ridiculous one! As I hear in the back of my mind from a 1990s movie where some goth chick was screaming at a guy, "No YOU'RE the whore! You're the whore!" comes to mind & amuses me. |
| > Wednesday November 7th, 2007 < "Man, Rachael Ray's show is like a midget / short people convention." The September-October page has been archived. I still haven't gotten around to adding that baseball reference page or the monthly links page. I don't know how I should go about that, either adding links or perhaps more brown balls or a couple smaller ones about the current balls. Personally I like the current layout, and I'd hate to create some cramped up spacing of the balls. No, wait, I know what I'm going to do. In other Turd News, I think NBC's "Heroes" actress Hayden Panettiere is ridiculous, trying to stop some dolphin hunt in Japan. Personally I think dolphins (the animal and football team) are stupid and annoying, and I wouldn't mind punching either one. Question: What makes tuna fish taste better? All that dolphin. Hayden, just because you're pretty & you're on a TV show doesn't automatically give you the license to be crazy. Those fisherman have their careers to depend on, and when some stupid pest gets in the way, something must be done. Fishing is their livelihoods. You getting your foot chopped off by the boat propeller while trying to save some pest who will be dead shortly anyway wouldn't prove anything, other than you're an idiot. "Kill the cheerleader, save the world." |
| > Thursday November 8th, 2007 < "y'all who don't like 'cherry popping' can kiss my ass." I'm going to spare you all the details about the tiff that's going on between the NBA's commish David Stern and the Oklahoma City based group that bought the Seattle SuperSonics and wants to move them to OKC. What we know is a Washington state judge ruled the SuperSonics must honor the Key Arena lease for the remaining 3 years of it. Now David Stern has threatened Seattle: if you don't get your politicians to fork over the financing, we're not giving you another NBA team! Apparently Stern is a little sore in the ass that there's so much anti-Sonic public sentiment who'd rather see the money go towards fixing their roads, libraries, buildings and bridges than saving his precious little mismanaged basketball team bought by a pack of liars who said they'd never move the team, then later confessed "they never intended to stay in Seattle". I'm sure Stern is thinking "REAL fans would want to help pay for their team's arena!" In fact, that's partially true. Real fans would support their team, even if they only had one championship its 40 year history and provided thousands of hours of entertainment and probably provided to some local charity possibly. A lot of it has to do with the people who live there and who they elected to power. Back when the economy was good in the 1990s, they had no trouble raising public funds for new Mariners and Seahawks stadiums, teams clearly inferior to the Sonic's history. But that was then, and this is now. The Sonics made the mistake of asking for renovations in the 1990s on the city-owned 1983 built arena instead of rebuilding, and those 1990s renovations are painfully out of date. But apparently Seattle hates their basketball team, and it's not helping they're a truly awful team right now. But if there's any sport of the Big 4 that's fickle, it's the NBA. 5 teams have moved in the past 30 years, with a 6th pending in New Jersey and a 7th in Seattle. But hear this: the second David Stern's dead body hits the dirt and starts rotting in the ground, you bet your ass the NBA will stick an expansion team in / or move a team to Seattle, it being the 14th largest market, and the political landscape of Seattle will have changed by then, and they'll have their bridges and their roads and their projects already built. One of the things that possibly could be hurting, is the lacking of an NHL team (tho an WHL team the Thunderbirds play there and the WNBA **giggle** Storm) But whatever Seattle's priorities are, they are turds. For place that rains so much, you'd think they'd be more hardcore about their indoor sports. |
| > Friday November 9th, 2007 < "If you hadn't come back, they would have tossed it back into the garbage." On last night's new episode of "The Office"; which I have declared the only good sitcom on television; was where Michael Scott was sore in the ass because Toby didn't invite him on his wilderness trip, which was for getting to know your fellow workers better, and they had "already knew enough about Michael that they needed to". So while Michael was out in the Pennsylvania wilderness making an ass of himself, Jim was put in charge. Apparently there was some issue with all the birthdays being celebrated and cake being eaten in the office, which Jim resolved to "celebrate all the birthdays in a month on one day". So Jim asked around, and people thought it was a great idea. It makes sense, it's logical. But then there's Angela, the head of the Party Committee, who hears it's a logical, great idea, so naturally she's against it. I have to say I'm in full support of the "one birthday per month rule", because I'd be annoyed with all the noise, the parties and the stupid typical "she's celebrating her 29th birthday once again for a fourth year!!!" or the awkward situation of forcing yourself to like someone. There are a lot of egotistical people out there who need the masturbatory attention, apparently this is a problem that comes up in a lot of advice columns. On to sports, the Bulls finally won their first game last night against the Pistons, and are now 1-4. The Bears play at the Oakland Raiders on Sunday where they're favored to win, which means of course they'll lose. The White Sox inexplicably resigned Juan Uribe! God DAMN IT!!! $4.5 million for that piece of shit?! He's a .220 hitter with the worst OBP in MLB. Why is there such a shortage of good shortstops in baseball? Suddenly we went from tons of elite fielding / good fielder-great hitter shortstops to jack squat. Shitty-ass hitting shortstops who never get on base. I don't know what the hell Kenny Williams is doing, because Uribe has like zero trading value. And I am sick and tired of the 9th spot in the White Sox lineup being an automatic out. This isn't the National League. For a team with such a history at shortstop, why is this suddenly becoming a blackhole? Are you telling me that there's not *one* MLB-ready shortstop in the Dominican??!! Thank you, piss-poor Scouting Department. |
| > Saturday November 10th, 2007 < "Ham is pig ass." HOLY SHIT!!! The Illini have defeated the # 1 ranked Ohio State Buckeyes 28-21 in Columbus! The Illini were 4-14 against # 1's, and this victory is the first ever one on the road, and first defeating of a # 1 since 1956. Recap: "COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) - In this season of upsets, top-ranked Ohio State was the latest to fall. Juice Williams provided the big plays on the ground and through the air, spurring Illinois to a stunning 28-21 victory on Saturday night and throwing open the national title race. It was the first time Illinois (8-3, 5-2 Big Ten) had ever beaten a No. 1, losing all 17 previous games. The defeat also ended a record streak of 20 Big Ten wins in a row by Ohio State (10-1, 6-1). Williams, criticized all year because of his errant passing, tossed four touchdown passes. Rashard Mendenhall set an Illinois season record while rushing for 88 yards on 26 carries. The Illini rushed for 260 yards against an Ohio State defense that came in allowing just 65 yards on the ground per game. Although the defeat crippled Ohio State's dreams of a national championship, it merely knocked them into a tie for the top spot in the Big Ten because of Michigan's earlier loss to Wisconsin. Not since Nov. 14, 1959, had Michigan and Ohio State both lost the week before their annual year-end grudge match, which once again this season will decide the champion. But this was not the way either team wanted to come into the game." But it doesn't stop here, kiddies. Northwestern came back and beat Indiana on a huge sack-fumble on the last play to win 31-28, and Norte Dame lost to Air Force 41-24, to fall to a school record 9-loss 1-9 record. I saw the 4th quarter of this game, and I have never seen such piss-poor passing. It was even worse than a high school football game. The worst Notre Dame team ever. In other news, Day 6 of the Writer's Guild strike has canceled SNL's 11/10 (Jonah Hill / Kid Rock) episode. Seth Meyers actually said on Monday that "if they settle this strike by Friday, we can get the show in". Um.. 2 days of writing, editing, 3 days of rehearsal all crammed into 2 days? Yeah, wouldn't work. Seth, go home and drink your cup of beer while your watch some Monday Night Notre Dame football match and enjoy your vacation. The other confirmed show was (Dwyane "The Rock" Johnson / canceled-twice Amy Whinehouse) for 11/17. And the question is, if we're gonna have these kinds of hosts (11/3 newsanchor Brian Williams / Feist shown) do we really even want to avoid a strike? |
| > Monday November 12th, 2007 < "Talking Heads - Animals Are Stupid (they can go to Hell).mp3" Yesterday in the NFL Wow, as compared to watching last week's awesome New England Patriots @ Indianapolis Colts where it was it 9-0 vs 8-0 teams and real football was played and progress was actually made, the 3-5 Bears @ the 2-6 Raiders was like watching morbidly obese middle school kids playing football in knee-deep mud. Everything was just, so god damn sloppy, reckless and ridiculous. Griese hurt his shoulder and Rex Grossman had to come into the game, which he made one long pass that eventually led to a missed short field goal. 3-3 at halftime, if that tells you how bad this game was. Devin Hester finally got a punt and took it for a long 63 yard return down to the Raider's 30, it comes back on a holding penalty to take the Bears back to their own 5. This game was just awful. Short gains, incomplete pass after incomplete pass, penalties, sacks. And then a 59-yard TD pass from Grossman to Berrian puts the Bears up 10-6. Then with less than 2 minutes in the 4th quarter, on the Raiders first play, the ball is stripped from McNown and the Bears recover a fumble on the Raider's 3 yard line, and immediately, a Cedric Benson rushing touchdown to put them up 17-6 to go to 4-5. Next week, the Bears travel to Seattle and the game was removed from the 7:15pm NBC time slot to a 3:15pm FOX game as punishment for sucking. Yesterday in Cartoons YES! One of the biggest pieces of shit-turds to ever have disgraced the Chicago Tribune's legendary Comics section, "The Humble Stumble", was unceremoniously removed. God that cartoon sucked! Bunch of fucking hippies and lame-ass dialog. Honestly, the way the strip was so loopity drawn, there is no way a man drew that. "Humble" was the last name of the character's family, and I'm guessing the "Stumble" part was a misspelling of the word "stump" referring to a chopped stump for the men's genitalia in the strip. And there is no way anybody lives like the way they do in the strip, it's like middle aged hippies in the 1970s but in a 2007 setting. It is seriously one of the most lame things I have ever seen. Something is seriously wrong with comics today. I can't even pick a favorite strip anymore. Doonesbury is extremely hit-and-miss, Opus is a sad rehashing of the previous two strips, The Lockhorns & Blondie are the same rehashed shit updated, everything else is just awful, and the only decent thing in here is Classic Peanuts. Comics just aren't that good or that funny today. What ever happened to smart, well-thought out cartoons? Today there's all these 'target audience strips' that lack universal appeal. Sometimes I wonder who is drawing these strips, either some pimply-faced stick-figure teenager or some senile old man in his 80s. And here's a thing that pisses me off: these newer strips, are use crooked-lettered computer fonts for its captions. Yeah it's really obvious when something like "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" all have the exact same over-strokes and varied thickness. Imagine the appeal lost if Charles M. Schultz or Bill Watterson were total assholes and types out their captions using a courier font? "Augh she pulled the football away from me again!" "Calvinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!" Yeah, just oozing with originality and charm. |
| > Sunday November 11th, 2007 < "Wikipedia: the world's first free prostitute." Now it all makes sense: The NFL Network. The same November 2003 launched network that's in 33 million homes, costs .70 cents per month, has 8 NFL games a year, over 4,000 hours of NFL Films archives / repeats. The same network that the owners approved in a 32-0 vote to go forward with the idea and put $100 million behind it. The NFL wants this network on the basic cable package, which of course cables companies don't want to due to the nature of the product. The NFL is saddened that its quest for global takeover hasn't reached its goal at this point and is angry at the resistance they're getting. Basically, the NFL TV contracts all starting in 2006 are: November 2003: NBC 6 years, $3.6 billion Sunday Night Games November 2003: ESPN 8 years, $8.8 billion Monday Night Football November 2004: FOX 6 years, $712 million annually NFC November 2004: CBS 6 years, $622 million annually AFC November 2004: DirectTV 5 years, $3.5 billion Sunday Direct Ticket January 27, 2006: Who didn't want to invest in the NFL Network: Turner & Comcast Sports Now you know the numbers. Now say, if the NFL had their way and put every single game on the NFL Network, with their goal of 50 to 110 million homes & at .70 cents per month, it'd generate $420 billion to $924 billion a year. Now do you see why the NFL wants to have this network? The biggest obstacle right now, is lack of games. Sure the NFL talks about how it broadcasts every game (even if Jacksonville doesn't get to see it on TV) and it's looking for the interests of the fans and ratings, but they need more than 8 games to get any leverage on the cable companies for them to carry the damn network. The NFL is hoping America's love affair with the NFL is even stronger when these contracts expire than it is right now and fans are willing to pay a little bit more each month on their cable bill to see these games. The NFL thinks it will be in that position, but it's not good business not to show your games on free TV, but then again, the NFL is a different creature than the other Big 4 sports. What to expect: At least 2 expansion teams by the time the TV contracts expire More crappy football More Thursday & Saturday night games every week A longer schedule Harder to find your home team on free TV / cable as opposed to it being on the Network Fewer good match-ups on free TV Eventually all NFL games will be on the NFL Network & cable. |
| > Tuesday November 13th, 2007 < "Share needles, not the flu." Two old people sitting at a table. old lady smirking: "Aren't you interested in taking my temperature?" *wink wink* old elderly man: "Uh.... we're in a coffee shop!" old lady smirking: "Oh I don't mind!" old elderly man feeling uncomfortable: "Uh... I really like animals!" old lady smirking: "I have always owned a horse." old elderly really uncomfortable: "Uh...I think I'm going to go." old lady smirking: "In my purse I have some scented oils that smell like hard candy!" old elderly man: "I'm getting the hell out of here!" **hurriedly leaves** end |
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| > Thursday November 15th, 2007 < "Dolph Rudager: I write blogs about buildings." I have to say that A-Rod announcing that he was opting out of his option during game 4 of the World Series was a really shitty thing to do. He is not bigger than baseball's biggest stage. He approached the Yankees because they said they wouldn't approach him. And there was all this guff about how much "they need each other". "After spending time with Cynthia and my family over these last few weeks, it became clear to me that I needed to make an attempt to engage the Yankees regarding my future with the organization. Prior to entering into serious negotiations with other clubs, I wanted the opportunity to share my thoughts directly with Yankees' ownership. We know there are other opportunities for us, but Cynthia and I have a foundation with the club that has brought us comfort, stability and happiness." Here's what I think: A-Rod had to stay on the Yankees, because no other team could pay him what he thinks he's worth His wife is most likely (based on his prior trolling habits) a high-maintenance slut who enjoys the expensive lifestyle that Alex has provided. Him signing a most likely lesser deal than the $252 million contract (even if its more money per year) and would further show that investing in one expensive player is terrible for the team would hurt his reputation. If the rumors of $275 million / 10 yrs holds up, he'll getting a raise of "only" $2.5 million per season. A-Rod wouldn't have ended up in the A.L. Central no matter what, which is a good thing, and would have ended up in a Western or Eastern division Yankee fans must be "happy" to have this playoff choker re-signed and look forward to more playoff Yankee 1st round exits. This is really more about the Yankee's huge ego & A-Rod becoming the All-Time homerun king in Yankee pinstripes. It's too bad that A-Rod couldn't have left the Yankees, those of us looking forward to the return of the glorious Futility Yankees of the late 1980s / early 1990s. |
| > Wednesday November 14th, 2007 < " '...And then there's the pasta...which they heat up right at the restaurant!!!' " A blog notice: a new monthly archives page link on the ( -> ) button apparent missing blog titles on old pages (due to me deleting the original file months ago) has been replaced 'monthly link' on old pages have been removed ( <- ) or ( -> ) buttons on old pages have been updated to link to the archives page all remaining broken image links have been updated other inactive linked sites have been activated and now work Eventually I'll get the baseball reference page up, and possibly a sports uniform concept page. On Tonight's episode of "Kitchen Nightmares", the head chef looks like he came straight off the Lucky Charms cereal box. He looked like a fucking cartoon character! |
| > Sunday November 18th, 2007 < "Kermit, can I lick the back of your skull?" And another boring Sunday where the Bears are stuck not playing at Noon. The standard, for as long as I can remember being alive, was: Bears football, John Madden & Pat Summerall, Sunday, CBS, Noon. Then Fox happened and screwed everything up as we know it as today. So thanks to cable, NBC, the NFL Network, there's more chance of your team being punished with a Sunday or Monday night game because of the previous season's record. So naturally I'm programmed to watch football at noon, and what have I been stuck with this season? Watching the two teams I hate the most: the Indianapolis Colts & the Green Bay Packers. I absolutely can't stand Brett Favre or Peyton Manning. And no, Fox, I don't want to watch the Detroit Lions or Minnesota Vikings either. So I have to wait until 3:15pm to watch the Bears play the monochromic Seattle Seahawks, who have the worst unnatural color scheme in football. And to every Chicago Bears fan's horror, Rex Grossman is starting again. I'd rather start Orton, myself. But just like the Bears, they refuse to admit their mistakes. And I know that after picking the Bears over the Seahawks for today's game, that Terry Bradshaw knows just as little about football as I do. Seriously, that jackass quartette they have going on Fox is just embarrassing. No respectable network would ever put such a jackassedly product out. Fox Attitude >>> Lame Attitude. Well, the Bears lost 30-23. At least it was close at Halftime with a 17-17 tie, and Cedric Benson had a career longest run at 43 yards, and tho Rex wasn't great nor awful with (24 for 37, 266 yds, 64.9%, 5 sacks, 28 YdsL, 0 TD, 0 INT), the defense gave up 425 yards and too many points. So the Bears fall to 4-6 and the playoffs now are pretty much a long shot. This game was the first victim of NBC's Sunday Night Flex Scheduling. This game was dropped in favor of a more "competitive" match-up of the New England Patriots at the Buffalo Bills. The result? It was 41-10 New England at Halftime, and after the Patriots went up 49-10, the camera panned the Buffalo crowd of people dead inside. The final scored ended up being 56-10 and it was a complete disaster for NBC! Next week the Bears return to Solder Field to play the Denver Broncos...at 3:15pm...on CBS.....! Chicago sportscasters are already conceding this game, and there will be no playoffs for the 2007 Bears. |
| > Saturday November 17th, 2007 < "Voted most likely to have home computer seized." Due to Day 13 of the Writer's Guild of America strike, I watched the 9:30pm Bulls / Clippers game tonight. I have to say, these aren't the loveable loser Clippers that I used to know, but they're dirty thugs now. The Clippers seemed to have it out for Bulls forward Andres Nocioni, hacking and pushing him around resulting with the flagrant fouls. I have to say, there's some pretty poor officiating in the NBA. Put another ref or two out there if you have to. At least the Bulls won 92-73 in their 2nd of 6 games on the Damned Circus Trip. Those whom unfamiliar, every mid-November the circus comes to Chicago and uses the United Center, forcing the Bulls & Blackhawks to go on ridiculously long & difficult road trips all over the country; for the Bulls mostly the West Coast. Another reason to hate the circus. And as for the Clippers, their whole packaged brand is horribly inconsistent; none of the logos or wordmarks match. They're like the Dallas Cowboys of the NBA, where like none of the silvers match, like 4 different shades of blue are used. It's just sloppy and lazy. |
| > Friday November 16th, 2007 < "No I don't have an Incest Fetish, sorry." "Kitty, nobody voted for Gerald Ford." |
| > Tuesday November 20th, 2007 < "Jackassery" During "Antiques Roadshow" Appraiser: "This pottery sculpture is worth $8,000." Shocked mother: "Oh wow." Appraiser jokingly: "So yeah... keep the damn kids out of the house!" Mother: "Haha." Later that day. Billy enters from front door: "Mom, why is all my stuff sitting on the curb?" Mother: "I just found out that pottery sculpture is worth $8,000." Billy: "But why is all my stuff outside??" Mother: "Well Billy, this is life now with the pottery sculpture, and we can't afford to let something happen to that pottery sculpture." Billy: "Wha?" Mother: "We sold you to Taco Hell to be converted into taco meat." Billy: "What?!!" Mother: "The Wagon will be here shortly to pick you up." **looks out the window** "Ah they're here! So long, Billy!" Billy kicking and screaming while he's dragged away: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Mother: "Man I love this pottery sculpture!!!" end |
| > Monday November 19th, 2007 < "So what did Sheriff Motherfucker want?" What the hell?? There's rules in NASCAR? NASCAR is a sport? Oh wait, no it's not. Apparently Jimmie Johnson (the old former Dallas Cowboys coach who coats his hair in a protective coating of hair spray?) got fined $100,000, docked 100 driver points and suspended 6 weeks for cheating in NASCAR. Oh wait, that's not news, it's NASCAR. Who in the hell would want to sit out in the hot Sun all day getting heat stroke while attending a very loud, deafening polluted place? Stupid hillbillies, that's who. Very interesting how this phenomenon is most popular in the South. Hey if you people want to blame someone for high gas prices, point towards the NASCAR people who spend hours driving in the same god damned circle for hours on end, wasting literally thousands of dollars of gasoline for nothing. For shame indeed. |
| > Wednesday November 21st, 2007 < "Rachael Ray: No." During "Antiques Roadshow" Really slow odd-looking old man barely moves forward. Appraiser points towards large painting: "Is this your item??!!!" Old man: "uhh yeaaaaaah..." Appraiser excitedly: "When I saw this painting, my heart started pounding, genitalia throbbing..." Old Man who looks confused: "Whaaaa?" Appraiser: "This painting is quite rare!" Old Man: "I don't know what it's worth uhhhhhhhh I'm just slow ugly person who don't know much about nuthin'." Appraiser: "It was painted in 1787, and you can tell the actual person in the painting was in the room, and he was very famous and had only one painting done of him in his entire lifetime and this painting is priceless heirloom worth hundreds of thousands of dollars! " Old Man barely moves: "Oh wow." **sneezes repeatedly and hacks phlegm all over the painting** Old Man: "Oh sorry, I got snot all over my picturrrrrrrre." Appraiser: "People like you don't deserve heirlooms!!!!" Old Man: **mumble mumble** Appraiser: "All of your assets should be seized by people like me who truly appreciate this stuff!!!!!" Old Man barely noticing where he's at: "I'll have some penny moon piiiiiiiiie....." Appraiser: "This is the end of Antiques Roadshow. Turn off the camera." Old Man slow wanders off without painting. end |
| > Friday November 23rd, 2007 < "Fuck Face Baseball Card Co." New! From Taco Hell! El Steako & Spicy Chicken Tortas! Steak or Spicy Chicken piled high on a soft and warm French bun & served with guacamole, fresh lettuce and tomatoes and sour cream piled high on a warm French bun for a flat-out great taste! Taco Hell, think outside the bun!" **Executive turns off television in corporate office** Taco Hell Executive: "Gentlemen... we are truly hypocritical." Man: "You know we're also hypocritical for calling what we sell "food"." Taco Hell Executive: "Shut up, Porter! If we're going to compete with the Big 3 we're going to have to add buns to the menu! People seem to like them!" Porter: "Doesn't that mean we need to change our marketing scheme?" Taco Hell Executive thinks: "Hmmmmm... No, I don't think we have to...." another man: "You know what we should do? Get rid of the green sauce since people seem to like it!" **numerous other men in room all concurring** Taco Hell Executive: "Good idea!" another man: "And...and we should take an existing item, remove an ingredient or two, rebrand it and sell it at a higer price!!" **all concurring once again** Taco Hell Executive: "Yeeeeeeeeah!!!! Man all this work is making me hungry! Let's go get some burgers!" **all concuring yet again** end |
| > Thursday November 22nd, 2007 < "if it's dry, let it fly!" Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble! Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble! Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble, gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble. Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble gobble gobble. Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble! Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble! Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble, gobble gobble gobble? Gobble gobble. Gobble!!!! Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble, gobble gobble gobble gobble, gobble gobble gobble. Gobble gobble gobble! |
| > Sunday November 25th, 2007 < "if it's wet, keep it set." Well that certainly was an exciting 37-34 Bears overtime win. There are a few notes of big plays in this game. Benson slipped and fell down on what was a sure TD, which resulted in a field goal, which a touchdown would have been the game's difference. Score 3-10, Benson gets hurt & is out for the season. No TD for Tight end Greg Olsen, called back on penalty, play results in a sack and a 2nd down and 29, eventual FG 6-10. Denver had a 65 yard play on a screen pass on their own 32. Score becomes 13-13, Devin Hester runs back kickoff for 75-yd TD. INT CHI deep. Rex fumbles on DEN 6 yd line, which was total bullshit. 13-20 DEN TD. 20-20 Devin Hester once again gets punted to by Saurebrun 88 yd TD run. 20-27 DEN TD 68 yd. 20-34 DEN TD. Rex fumbled. DEN forced to re-kick by CHI, results in blocked kick, put CHI deep in DEN territory now 27-34. With like 16 seconds left, Bears near goal line with no timeouts and on 4th down, throws to the far corner in the endzone to Bernard Berrian, resulting in an amazing reaching catch that was never bobbled and stood after booth review, 34-34. OT: Bears go down the field and set up game winning FG. That win put the Bears at 5-6, keeping their ever-slim playoff hopes alive. The arrogance of Todd Sauerbrun and DEN coach Mike Shanahan was truly astounding. Devin Hester takes them to the endzone, and they had the gall to actually kick to him again and again! Sauerbrun used to be a Bear, and he was known for 70 yard kicks, but afterwards in retrospect, he's an arrogant 'roider and both he and Shanahan are true assholes. Which made it hilarious to see this assholery schooled. That said, it shows that the Bears are dead without Hester, and it shows way too reliance on Special Teams, alas 2006 and 2007, and along with so much emphasis on winning the turnovers game, it just doesn't show a fundamentally sound football team. Today's exciting win puts the Bears on pace for a middle round pick, saving Angelos the agony from of trading the high pick for middle ones. Worst GM in football. Next Sunday the New York Giants travel to Soldier Field to play the Bears at 3:15pm on Fox. Game #12 and still only 3 of 12 games have been on at Noon. |
| > Saturday November 24th, 2007 < "Like it, love it! Suck it, fuck it! 18! 18!" Wow... the Bulls lost to the New York Knicks on a rare Saturday noon game in New York. That is pretty fucking sorry: the Bulls (2-9) vs the Knicks (2-9) and the Bulls lose 85-78, tho it was tied late in the 4th, only the Bulls ended up not scoring in the final 4:10, which is pathetic. Now the sportswriters are screaming to get Kobe Bryant, no matter want group of players it takes. And apparently, the Bulls would sell a lot of Kobe jerseys, based on the Internet comments of those fans who "don't care for the Lakers but like Kobe". On the other knee, Notre Dame finishes up 3-9 in one of the worst seasons ever for Fighting Irish football. And the musical chairs of whose #1 once again changes. Whatever the hell is going on, these voters and computers are doing a terrible job, because every week there's a new #1. It's just ridiculous. |
| > Thursday November 29th, 2007 < "Woman: "heh heh heh heh heh... 'sick puppy'.... woof!"" Joe Buck: "And the Colorado Rockies are going to the World Series!" Tim McCarver: "How can a mountain go to the World Series???!!!" Joe Buck: "You took too many foul balls to the head back in the day, didn't you." |
| > Wednesday November 28th, 2007 < "What?! why are you picking on me, woman?? Wasn't that motorcycle enough??!"
Female TV cook: "You *just* need to remember to spread the peanutbutter evenly on the sandwich, otherwise it'll totally not be a sandwich." Snotty housewife: "Thanks TRAMP." |
| > Tuesday November 27th, 2007 < "Will you put down your god damn cigarette and do your radio job??!"
Teacher at Elementary school assembly hall: **sighs contently** "Ah 3rd-graders singing the school's pride spirit song...you could rally those kids behind Hitler and they wouldn't know the difference." |
| > Monday November 26th, 2007 < "I defy you to find a better tasting Castor Oil!" It is now week 3 of the Writer's Guild of America strike. So far I'm not feeling the sweat, since all of my shows are still showing new episodes. Tho I do believe December will be a very rough month of repeats. One thing I've always pondered about, was saving my old calendars. Unless you get a free one from the bank or the post office, usually it's a novelty calendar. Was it worth saving? Apparently there's 14 different Gregorian calendars, which four I'm assuming were invented due to Leap Years. You basically print out these fourteen different 12-month calendars, and you can figure out what happened on what day in any year since 1803. Apparently 2007's calendar was last used in 2001. 2006's was last used in 1995 and 2005's was last used in 1994. And congrats to all you calendar hoarders, for 2008, you can finally pull out your most-likely brown colored 1980 calendars. And apparently the 1980 / 2008 calendar was last used in 1952. Upon further review, apparently Calendars 8-14 repeat every 28 years, while Calendar 7 get in a weird 6 - 11 - 17 year repeating pattern, and it gets even more complex rotation going back between Calendars 1-6. And this will be the blog's first February 29th entry. |
| > Friday November 30th, 2007 < "Fucking asshole fans." Voice on TV: "Well, you could be an extra mucousy person.. .from living in a house full of mold." Voiceover on TV: "Next week, on "House of Mold"!" Voice on TV: "Jr.!!!" Jr.: **haaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuchhhhhhhhh** **chokes to death** Voice on TV: "Jr's DEAD!" Voiceover on TV: "House of Mold", next week on ABC! |
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