November 2005 - Untitled Daily Column Project

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/\ Monday August 1st, 2005 /\ "divide and conquer."

Day 20: 380. The Beatles - I Saw Her Standing There -- 417. The Beatles - Things We Said Today

I was watching an old episode of "Home Improvement" yesterday.

**Randy is hanging out with his girlfriend in the den, but decides to enter the Taylor kitchen where mother Jill is folding laundry**

Mother Jill (with slight Texas accent): "What's the matter, Randy, don't yew like yer cute
lil girrrrl frah�end over there?"

Randy: "But mommmmmmmmm, she doesn't have a penis!"

Tim enters from garage: "Hey who wants to do some lines in the hot rod?? Hahahahaha!"

Brad: "I have to go stand outside an' stand around an' wait while my hair grows longer."

Mark enters room: �I�m going to do something strange, like bark at a wall and marry a 40 year old woman.�

Jill: �Mark, what the hell�� **Mark exits front door**

Tim enters from the garage again: �Hey who wants to do some lines on the souped-up lawn mower�s new chrome finish?? Hahahahahaha!�

Brad re-enters from being outside: �Hey, I�m gonna go stand outside and look at the soccer ball an� think about how I�m going to college to play soccer an� nothing else.�

And then I changed the channel. And then I said to myself,

"there sure are a lot of lesbians in this auto insurance commercial."

-o-
Yesterday's results: $0. Today's result: $-5. Total results: $7.

/\ Tuesday August 2nd, 2005 /\ "sure what the fuck: "Howard Dean for President in '08."

Day 21: --

Two longhairs are headbanging while attending a rock concert. Suddenly they pause and actually listen to the music.

singer: "Swha-deeeeeeeeeeeeeettttttttt! Omga no dah, Blap gonda! Wet speed explooooooooooooooode!"

Two longhairs: **stare in disbelief**

singer: "Teee An Tee!" (arf...arf....arf...) Teen Fan Blee! (arf...arf...arf..) Tea Gland Pee! (arf....arf..) Mmmgah flower loaddddddd (arf..) speegah dooooooooooooo!"

longhair # 1: "hey, what the fuck are we doing at an AC/DC concert??"
longhair # 2: "man, we really fucked up big time!"

singer: **clears throat** **clears throat again** �speck-a-leeva-crew-winnabeg-shrump-ga-doooooo!� **loud music starts again & fans begin cheering loudly**

longhair # 2. "let's leave."

longhair # 1. "Wait! I heard this riff during a car commercial! Oh wait... that was for an Apple computer."

**longhairs leave.**

END

/\ Wednesday August 3rd, 2005 /\ "The Catania Diet: million$ in the making."

Day 22: --

Here is the infamous "most offensive thing I have ever written" script. Inspiration for this came from a scene I saw on "Everybody Loves Raymond" tonight, where I took an actual moment, and made it up from there. Those familiar with the show will get the subtle name references. I tested this out on a select loving group of people, and apparently it didn't shock any of them at all. I was trying to shock and be as offensive as possible, but to no avail. I sure have a lot of Liberal friends. But here it is anyway.

-o-

The Stalone family enters a church where a funeral of a distant relative is taking place.

Wife: "I still can't believe your mother isn't talking to you."

Raul: "I know, I mean, I should be higher than a pilot, but I�m not. oh there she is."
**approaches mother**

Raul: "hey mommmmmmmm, hey mommmmmmm, hey.. **mother walks away** �ok you walk away."

old man: **smugly walks up to Raul** "christ almighty should you give a rat's ass about your mother!"

Raul: **smiles** "hehehe eh fuck you."

old man: �What did you say?!�

Raul: **smiles** "fuck you!"

old man: �You can't talk to me that way!�

Raul: �Can�.. and did. "fuck...youuuuuuuuuuuuu!"

old man: �I outta box your ears!�

Raul: "fucccccccck youuuuuuuu!"

old man: �You can't do that!�

Raul: "oh fuck you, old man!"

old man: �I�m gonna stop you, Big Nose!�

Raul: **smiles** "Heh! Me first!" **punches old man in the nose**

old man: "what the hell!�

Raul: "Again!" **punches again** "I�ll break it 6 ways to Sunday! ..whatever that means."

old man: **winces with pain** "oooooh godddd" **face & hands become stained with blood**

Raul: "hahaha yeah!" **dances like a joker & claps**

old man: "You son of a bitch! I fought in WWII & Korea, man!"

Raul: "ooooo pawn in the war pig machine! You were just the Government's patsie....! Took it square in the ass like a woman! You wasted your time! Suckerrrrrrrrrrrr!"

old man: "I can't believe this!" **fuming mad as hell**

Raul: "That's riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! you know what I can't believe? I can't believe I haven't punched you a 3rd time!" **punch**

old man: "owwwwwwwwwww!" **falls to knees**

Raul: "soldier's don't crrrrrrrrry, soldier's don't crrrrrrrrry. Hahahaha!"

Raul�s wife: "what...the hell are you doing..." **watches**

Raul: "just stickin' it to the man."

Raul: **back to the old man** "War is stupid! War sucks! Nobody respects what you're doing! You're wasting our tax payer money! Stop wasting our money! Get over yourselves! Boooooooo!� where's our free oil?? You people make me sick! Go to hell! You people and your business destroy families and ruin lives! You ruined our lives! All of our lives!"

old man: "You got a lot of nerve...! how DARE you! How fucking DARE YOU!"

Raul: **mockingly starts flapping arms like a chicken** "Oh, "I need two fucking holidays to show how my stupid legs got shot off!" It�s you're own stupid god damn fault!"

old man: "god, boy... you're dead. DEAD!"

Raul: "war pig! oinnnnnnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!"

old man: "I put my life on the line for Pinko Commies like you!!!"

Raul: �Nobody respects what you did! Nobody cares, man. NOBODY! Suck it!"

old man: **to Raul�s mother** "Look what your piece of shit son did to me, Louise!"

Raul�s mother: "I see you, Hank." **turns around and looks the other way from Raul's presence**

Raul: "dead souls for nothing, man."

** Raul & wife walk away"

Raul�s wife: "I must say, I have never seen you act that way before! And I gotta be honest.. I�m extremely shocked! but I�m very impressed by the way you stood up to your father! And I find it rather sexy, roarrrr!" **grabs arm & begins groping it**

Raul: "eh whatever. I voted for Bush."

Raul & wife leave the room.

fade out

writer�s commentary:

Well we sure had a lot of good �ol fun writing this. If you�re writing for a sitcom, don�t be afraid to push across some offensive messages and horrible story lines, and downright blasphemous behavior that would land most people in jail or incite protests, because you can always use the last 10 seconds of the show to say �Just kidding!�

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<| Friday November 4th, 2005 |> "consistently inconsistent."

**walking down a locker hallway**

"Hello. My name is Bert. My high school is the worst! I can't stand this place! Oh it's so horrible! I'm up until 1am working on my homework every single night! And it's even harder to do because I have so much online media assignments and I only have a dial-up internet connection! Oh god damn this technology age we live in!

Then I have to get up at 6am and eat my cold, salty bowl of Cheerios. I get ready and have to be out at the bus stop at 6:34am with all of my shit together. I get on the bus, and it smells like diesel. Somebody either spat on the floor, put gum on the seats, or cut the seats open, or dumped all of their trash and food, or some greasy kid's hair gel smells, so it's slim pickings for seats. The bus ride is unbearable. We have to make like 50 stops, and they're all hard & fast stops. Some times kids will be smoking in the back, or blaring their music, or pissing in a Snapple bottle, or throwing fire crackers around, or some fat kid will fart and it'll stink up the whole bus. It is not pleasant.

We arrive at school everyday between 7:20am and 8:30am. School starts at 7:30am. If we arrive early, we have to stand outside in the cold, no matter if its raining, windy or snowing. And if we arrive late, we have to hike a mile to the attendance office, and fill out a permission slip along with a long explanation on why I was late. Between here and there, I hope a nark doesn't stop and frisk me.

Attendance is a Nazi-like state here. They keep track of where we are at all times of the day. Attendance is taken before every single class on a scantron sheet, then is immediately given to a spaz who sprints down the hallway & to the attendance office where it is immediately processed by the machine and thoroughly examined. Phone calls are made, narks are notified and put on patrol, and the building is searched from top to bottom. Detention slips are kept close by hand.

I don't like this place. There's no windows, because the school was built during an oil crisis in the 1970s, so it's a dreary place with stale air and nauseating fluorescent lighting. There are no soda or snack machines because all of the other fat idiot school children of America ruined it for the rest of us. The cafeteria is a place of shit. None of the food is good. The pizza is just full of big air bubbles, has little to no cheese and the sauce is dried solid baked into the crust. The spaghetti comes on a styrofoam plate (glad to see all those recycling bins crowding up the classrooms are setting a good example) and comes with a clear orange greasy juice on top. I am glad I brought my lunch today. Also thanks to the fat stupid obese children of this country, we no longer have corporate fast food either. Also, we are not allowed to ever chew gum, or have any soda or water bottles at any time. Cell phones, beepers and any kind of medication are banned (because those are "gang paraphernalia"). Also, lunch is only 20 minutes, and for me this semester my lunch "hour" is at 1:10pm. God fucking damn the schedule makers. I'm to the point of exhaustive starvation around 11am. We are not allowed to leave the cafeteria during lunch, so that means no going outside.

At times, our lockers are searched randomly by a team of Police and drug sniffing dogs. Our textbooks are like fucking dictionaries which making carrying books a bitch and rarely do we ever cover 1/3rd of the material in there. Also, the school has 5 floors, and the top 2 aren't even connected to each other. And of course, whoever designed the school was an idiot because the fucking idiot decided to have 4 staircases meet in one tiny spot, leading to immobile gridlock. Oh, and we only get 3 minutes for passing periods. We basically have to run and knock people down, and if we curse, the nark comes after you and yells at you. If getting to the classroom wasn't bad enough, the fucking classroom itself is a shithole. The clocks almost never work or are on time, the period bell is annoying as hell, the desks are so hard and small & were made for people 30 years ago, and it smells weird. Plus this place makes me sneeze a lot. And my ass hurts. And I have gas, but I can't let it out, in fear of public humiliation and ridicule.

Pep rallies are also mandatory, which I think is pretty fucking stupid. This stupid school likes to shove school spirit down our throats like it's religion or something. "We don't like the school, we don't like being here, and all of the teachers are idiots." The hallways are too narrow, people routinely puke, piss and poop on the stairwell, and the bathrooms have no doors on the stalls. I don't know where they went or why they're not there, but it ticks me off when I have to take a shit out in the open and people piss on the toilet seat. The only place where they have doors on the stalls is in the gym locker room.

Gym class is interesting. At times, it's a lot of fun and I get to work out all of the pent-up rage that's been building. But at other times, it sucks, because we have to run the god damn mile every month, and do lame shit like square dancing, or soccer, or basketball which sucks with short people or wrestling. And the showers don't work so we can't cool-off after sweating our asses off. Which is ok, I guess, because I'd rather not take a shower on that slippery tile with some of my psycho classmates who are ripped to shit & are on steroids �cause they play football & hockey and are prone to spontaneous violent outbursts.

I don't like our sports teams. Every single team sucks and are full of assholes. I thought about trying out for one, but I decided not to because you must sell boatloads of fucking candy in order to stay on the team. I'm not a fucking salesman, I just want to play! And oh god, the coaches. Bunch of assholes. And of course they're assholes, because that's why they're coaches. And I don't want to hear "how last night's game went" for the first 35 minutes of History class from you either, teacher/coach. Just let me hand in my homework so you can run it thru the scantron machine 10 days from now and let me get back to my doodles.

Oh thank god it's time to go home. I still have this re-occurring nightmare of me missing the bus and getting stranded at school. And today is a good day because I don't have to serve detention, so I'll finally get home on time for a change. But of course, no� that doesn't happen. The assholes I ride the bus with keep doing shit on the bus, like being loud, throwing things, etc., and the bus driver pulls the bus over, gets up and walks up and down the aisle lecturing us. "Give it some fucking gas!" I shout. Others scream, "Gas pedal's on the right!" "D for drive!" "You fucking suck, pal !" I remember one time we were so bad, the bus driver brought us back to school so the dean could yell & punish us. That was a very long afternoon. I can't wait until I graduate from this hell-hole."

<| Tuesday November 1st, 2005 |> "my cute little idiot."

ah, a 'favorite music of the moment' list. It's about as unfulfilling and hollow as a flakey crumbling Keebler cracker.

1. Led Zeppelin - Black Dog
2. Billy Joel - Captain Jack
3. Talking Heads - The Book I Read
4. The Velvet Underground - All Tomorrow's Parties
5. Simon & Garfunkel - America
6. Simon & Garfunkel - The Only Living Boy in New York
7. The Band - The Weight
8. Rolling Stones - Monkey Man
9. Lynyrd Skynyrd - Sweet Home Alabama
10. Allman Brothers Band - Midnight Rider
11. Mountain - Mississippi Queen
12. Frank Zappa - You're Probably Wondering Why I'm Here
13. Foghat - Slow Ride
14. Head East - Never Been Any Reason
15. The Hollies - Long Cool Woman In A Black Dress
16. Bob Dylan - Ballad of a Thin Man
17. Iggy Pop & The Stooges - 1970
18. Iggy Pop & The Stooges - Dirt
19. Bob Dylan - Queen Jane Approximately
20. Tenacious D - Lee
21. Bob Dylan - Lily, Rosemary, and the Jack of Hearts
22. Tenacious D - Drive-Thru
23. Bob Dylan - Simple Twist of Fate
24. Tenacious D - Fuck Her Gently
25. Bob Dylan & The Band - Don'tYa Tell Henry

<| Wednesday November 2nd, 2005 |> "And It's Coming Back! : the NFL theme.mp3"

Some things you don't know about me:

1. I have never had Nyquil, corned beef, a corn dog, sushi, malt liquor or any illegal drug.
2. I do not snore.
3. I fart a lot.
4. I have never attended a concert nor do I have any desire to listen to new music.
5. I was never baptized.
6. I haven't drawn a cartoon in over 6 years after drawing almost every single day for 12+ years.
7. I like cheese and potatoes, but not together. I also do not like & will not drink wine.
8. I do not celebrate my birthday because I feel embarrassed to be the center of attention.
9. I have no desire to gamble.
10. I own a flask but have never used it.
11. Nobody has seen me sneeze in 18 years. Why? Because my eyes water up and mucus flows like a river from my nose. Recovery time is between 5 to 10 minutes.
12. I have never owned a cell phone.
13. I have never used a non-electric face shaver.
14. My favorite smell is blue liquid clothes washing detergent.
15. I never played with action figures as a child. They're dolls, people!
16. I hate clothes shopping and do it maybe once a year.
17. I haven't been to a movie theatre since summer of '01.
18. I don't know how to ice skate but want to learn how some day. Same with golf.
19. I own only one DVD (set) and one movie on VHS.
20. I have never attended a basketball game.
21. I can not jump very high at all.
22. I once lost over 55 pounds in a span of 4 months and didn't even notice.
23. I once drank a whole pot of coffee at 10pm and stayed up until 11am.
24. I have slept every single day of my life.
25. I haven't played the lottery since I was10 (very illegal, I know)

<| Thursday November 3rd, 2005 |> "There's lots of Assholes living Asshole-lives."

I think it's pretty safe to say that the Gold Glove award in baseball is a sham.

Torii Hunter (yes, two i's) won his 5th straight GG despite only playing 98 games this year. Two other players also won it for the 5th straight year. And probably the biggest joke of all, Phillies rightfielder Bobby Abreu won a GG! "I guess it's good news for Bobby but bad news for those who deserve it."

Question: "The Gold Glove has turned into a career award rather than a best defensive player award, has it not?"

Yes! It's always the same guys winning it. Even old man Greg Maddux won it for the 15th straight season, even tho I saw him field shitty all year and made two errors in one game. He's old, he's slow but yet, the managers and coaches in the N.L. keep voting for him! Why? Because nobody really cares, that's why.

Question: "Is the Gold Glove award a joke?"

Yes! Remember in 1999, when Rafael "I just take the steroids, I don't tell the truth about it" Palmeiro won the GG at 1st base despite only playing TWENTY NINE games there! He played DH for the other games. What's even a bigger joke, is that Derek Jeter isn't even the best shortstop on his team, is vastly over-rated, isn't that good, and yet, wins it for the 2nd year in a row. And here's another thing�tell me how much money you think these stats are worth: 2005: .309 AVE, 19 HR, 70 RBI's, 12 SB, and 117 K . Give up? $19.6 million. And it'll go well past $20 mil with his award & post-season incentives. I just think he sucks.

Statement: "I care about the Gold Glove!"

Actually, you shouldn't. It's just managers and coaches voting, and they can only pick guys from their own league and can't pick a guy on their own team. All it's there for is publicity and more money for players. Also you shouldn't care about the Cy Young or the MVP award, because it's almost always the wrong choice.

<| Sunday November 6th, 2005 |> "I invented this table!"

Dear Diary,
Today I woke up and I had to piss like a fire hose. Then I had to sneeze and that pissed me off. I still have not adjusted to daylight savings time. I can't just "magically change & calibrate my life style back one hour like some pixie." It's very grey outside today, which I actually like because blue sky gets annoying after awhile. Hmmm, what kind of day is it, today? A Wendy's bacon mushroom melt with cheese? A KFC chicken strip meal? Maybe I'll just make some shitty homemade sandwich instead to save a few bucks.

Dear Diary,
Why is that bitch Rachael not answering my IM's? Is she being a stuck-up crazy bitch again? Boy I'd like to plant my foot up her ass and rough her up a bit. Teach her a lesson about manners and etiquette. "Oh, one day it's a ex-boyfriend crisis, and another day it's a mental crisis, and another day it's a boredom crisis!" Take a fucking pill, already!

Dear Diary,
I just love reading the Dickless Tracy cartoon. Every Sunday, there's a Crime Stopping tip on there. One day it told me "not to be like people-trash in Alabama" because they can still drive around with open liquor bottles in their vehicles. Then today it told me not to "keystroke my ATM pin number" because criminals are watching. Ah, nothing like a cartoon based on the 1920s and how having an ATM card will ruin your life. I'm surprised they didn't suggest buying a credit card shredding machine so not one shard of plastic or number is reminiscent. I of course have no ATM card, and now thanks to Dickless Tracy, I'm too horrified to ever get one again!!!!

Dear Diary,
It happened again last night. Some basketball player BLEW the game because he missed a crucial free throw, which would had put the team up by 3 with 0:06.2 seconds left in the game. But no, the god damn beanpole choked, and in 0:05 seconds, the other team ran down the court, went for a lay-up and got fouled by the team's big man. But the problem was, the big man didn't foul hard enough! When you foul somebody, you gotta just go balls-out and knock their fucking ass to the floor so hard that there is no way a proper shot can be made! Then of course, the other team made the lay-up, which tied the game, and the foul shot to win 100-99. It's these kinds of games that make me angry. You were up by 10 at one point, then down by 12, then came back to take the lead in the final minute only to blow it. If I was the team coach, I'd have that choker run 5,000 laps, and spend 12 hours a day shooting free throws. Seriously, it's only 15 feet away, and you're just standing there. It should be a very easy shot! I will not be buying season tickets, that's for god damn sure.

Dear Diary,
I did that "thing" again. I forgot to pull up my zipper and I spent all day walking around with my fly open. It didn't help that I wore the really ratty boxers with the 3 big holes in them, either. Why do I keep doing that???

Dear Diary,
Still contemplating sending in fake letters to newspaper advice columnists. One time in Dear Gabby, somebody sent in a fake letter about something they saw on the Simpsons and the columnist actually replied to it! That columnist felt so stupid, and it was so funny. Or maybe I'll call up a radio station, and ask for an up-tempo dedication song in memory of my beloved dead dog "Snuckles".

<| Saturday November 5th, 2005 |> "This sandwich is incredible! Loser!"

Wow....Terrell Owens is a dumbass! No, no no no, no, I gotta talk about this! Apparently, the crybaby didn't like it that the Eagles didn't do anything to celebrate his 100th TD last week. Um, are you for fucking real? You work like 22 days out of the year, you signed a seven-year, $48.97 million contract last year, which was fine and dandy then, but then demanded MORE money this year! Then, after getting his wish to get traded to the Eagles from the 49ers, now he wants to get traded to the Colts! I have never seen such a primadonna in my life! Your team, is 4-3, battling for 1st place, has 3 division games coming up, your QB is broken, and you're bitching about not getting enough love?? Do you have no perspective?? Do you not realize that most people hate you, but yet, you have it better off than most people?? You are not entitled to anything!

Now the question remains, would you want this piece of a shit human being on your team? He'd be bad for team moral, but on the other hand, your team would most likely be a lot better. It depends how much you like your QB. It depends if winning is more important to you than having a likeable team. It's not fun to root for a team when there's players you absolutely can't stand. But in the end, the Eagles will end up getting screwed because they'll be a lot worse now. That's what happens when you play an extremely short season & every game means so much. God the NFL sucks.

I hope the Bears lose to the Saints (hah) & hope Detroit loses to Minnesota (hah!) and Green Bay loses to the Steelers, so everyone is that much worst, but unfortunately, I can see the Bears & Detroit winning. Sigh.

"All I want for Xmas is a 7-9 playoff team."

<| Tuesday November 8th, 2005 |> "I am the world's tallest midget."

More things you don�t know about me:

26. I hate getting haircuts.
27. I was 6' 4" & 145 pounds at one point in my life.
28. I pick my nose a lot in private (tho usually with a napkin)
29. In the last 3 Presidential elections, I have voted for every candidate I could of one party.
30. I cut my fingernails once a week and my toenails every 4 weeks.
31. I bat, open, cut & mouse-click right-handed, but throw and write left-handed.
32. I once went thru a toll-booth without paying.
33. I grew 14" in 3 years. I got a lot of foot and leg cramps.
34. Careers I wanted in my lifetime: meteorologist, cartoonist, actor on SNL, baseball player, politician, radio talk show host, logo designer.
35. I was 22 1/2 years old before my first beer.
36. As of the moment, I have no desire to have kids.
37. Secretly wishes the NFL would dissolve.
38. It takes me 20 minutes to 3 hours to fall asleep.
39. I took piano lessons for 2 years, yet never learned anything. Musically, I'm completely inept.
40. I am allergic to bee, hornet and wasp stings
41. I always pick up carry-out/take-in food, I never get it delivered.
42. I really don't care for bbq sauce or pork products.
43. I speak 1 language.
44. Involved in various boycotts like McDonlds, Best Buy, The Simpsons
45. I am polite, hold doors open for people all of the time, let people in on the road and use manners. But I can't get along with most people and they piss me off.
46. I don't trust anyone who doesn't curse
47. I don't believe in frying or microwaving things. I'd rather grill it or bake it.
48. I didn't try pizza until my 9th birthday.
49. I used to hate onions and refused to eat them. Now i can't get enough of them
50. I have never dyed my hair

<| Monday November 7th, 2005 |> "and that's why you don't marry vegetarians."

List 'o shit.

1. Dr. Pepper has ruined Pepsi and Coke for me. I just don't get cola anymore. It does nothing for me.
2. Stupid-Bears won on Sunday, not that I watched or anything. 5-3, 3-5, 3-5, 1-7 now for the NFC North. And the Bears were so close to not winning that game, too.
3. On the Bulls losing to the Spurs in OT: Jesus, another foul. Waaaaay too many fouls in basketball. It's like any little bump or contact, and there goes the whistle. Speaking of bullshit, it's not a packed house tonight at the UC, despite the world champ Spurs visiting. Serves the Bulls right for raising ticket prices on "better games". I shouldn't have to pay $30 to $70 more dollars to see the Spurs or Lakers or Mavericks. They didn't have these sneaky marketing tactics back in the day.
4. The next 25 of the "Things You Don't Know About Me" is coming tomorrow.
5. Monday Night Football? Is that still on?
6. I missed Arrested Development tonight. God damn it! Damn Fox for moving it to Monday nights. They should have stuck American Dad at 7:30 and AD at 8:30 instead.
7. I do not update the blog everyday because it takes 10 minutes from first click to getting the page to load. If I wasn't so hell-bent on having numerous custom graphics & didn't hate templates so much, I'd have a real blogging site.
8. Gasoline is down to $2.24 around here. I last filled up at $2.86.
9. Favorite pro-sports in order (11/7): MLB, NBA, NHL, NFL. Tho I could live without ever watching another NHL or NFL game. If I had to make a prediction on the Super Bowl, it'd be Colts vs. � shit, I don't know.... Falcons.
10. The price of stamps is going up .39 cents this January. Assuming people actually mail things anymore.

<| Thursday November 10th, 2005 |> "if i had a hammer, i'd take it to your face."

Even more stupid shit you didn't know about me:

51. I don't like long sleeves. They're either too long and baggy or are too short and they make me look stupid.
52. I don't like Star Wars or Star Trek.
53. I wear jean shorts because long jeans make my legs sweat in the summer.
54. I don't believe men should ever wear earrings.
55. I hate wearing clothes. Not that I'd prefer being naked, I'd just rather wear the same simple drab thing every single day.
56. I don't know how to drive stick shift.
57. I have never been to a Jack in the Box or a strip club
58. Has always had a dial-up connection.
59. Is Pro-Choice.
60. Absolutely hates articles where you have to pay to read the rest of it.
61. Has no pets & has no desire to get one soon.
62. Thinks sports mascots & cheerleaders are extremely stupid & pointless.
63. I didn't try black coffee until I was 24 & I was at a muffler shop.
64. When I attend sporting events, I love to heckle and scream from time to time.
65. I've failed every hearing test I've ever taken in my lifetime. I have Tinnitus.
66. I wore glasses from August of 1993 to June of 1995. They were fucking huge.
67. I've only gotten one traffic ticket in 11 years of driving. In 1997, I was clocked going 59 mph in a 40 mph zone, which is bullshit, because I was easily going well over 70. I was tired that morning & some stupid Simpson's episode rang in my head, "Who feels the need for SPEED?!" (Sideshow Bob tries to blow up town in military based Duff blimp). I, of course, said, "yeeeeeeeeeeeah!" and floored it. Back in those days I drove as fast as the road would let me.
68. I find magazines absolutely worthless & a waste of time.
69. I have used a computer (PC) since 1985. Regularly since 1990.
70. I don't have a favorite color or Season.
71. I use contractions way too much when I write.
72. I don't like movies because most of them aren't any good, and are either too long or too short.
73. I really don't think much of music, and hated it for most of my life. Kinda still do.
74. I was 17 when I got my first music CD. (Pet Sounds)
75. I hum excessively in private. I've always been a hummer. Got yelled at in Kindergarten for humming the Sesame Street theme really, really loud. I didn't know people could hear me doing it.

<| Wednesday November 9th, 2005 |> "Hey you can't have that rooster in here!"

"What A Day!" By Dolph Rudager.

"Today was like any other day. I was driving along the road at 60mph like always, when a bunch of kids on bicycles accidentally hit my car and got smushed. Well, it really wasn't more of a "smushed", more of a "bloody cinnamon toast crunch" and it really wasn't more of an "accident", more of a "let's floor the gas pedal and see what happens".

On the plus side, I found out once again that Machine rules over Man. It's just a humble lesson for all of those on foot, who need to know. And their reactions are just priceless."

<| Saturday November 12th, 2005 |> "baby, I wanna trim your bush."

Saturday. Whoa! What is this shit??? Another new UDCP design?? Well there it is. I darkened up the yellow a few shades so it doesn't seem as pale as the official yellow of the site.

This design was a few combinations of other mockups that I've made in the past year, and apparently some other things borrowed from past designs. Think "cheeseburger". I don't think I've ever had a bad cheeseburger in my life. Well, maybe that homemade one where the meat was old and the bun was shitty.

Some very sad news to report... John Rooney, longtime White Sox announcer since 1988, has signed a multi-year deal with the St. Louis Cardinals worth twice of what he was making. And it's all because of the god damn fucking Score, the worst radio station in Chicago who are now carrying White Sox games next season, with its loud jackass stable Mike North. I'm sure he had something to do with them not being able to give Rooney fair market value... or the fact that Mike North wants to be a fucking baseball announcer. Never mind that only idiots listen to sportstalk radio, or the fact that he's loud, full of shit, an idiot, is ignorant & nobody likes him. Mike Northsucks.

<| Friday November 11th, 2005 |> "I farted on your face last night while you slept."

World Baseball Classic.

Um, yeah. I don't know how to feel about this. There's 16 teams:

Pool A: China, Chinese Taipei, Japan, Korea.
Pool B: Canada, Mexico, South Africa, United States.
Pool C: Puerto Rico, Cuba, Panama, Netherlands.
Pool D: Dominican Republic, Venezuela, Australia, Italy.

"To be played between March 3rd and March 20th. It appears each team will play the 3 teams in their pool. 3 rounds and a final, which will be the best team from Pool A or B vs. Pool C or D. The 1st round will have two teams eliminated in each pool, then 1 for the latter rounds."

I have no idea if the games will be broadcast on tv. Of course, the big fuss is that pitchers will have strict pitch counts, so we won't see any pitchers going deep into games. And suddenly, country representation rules have become very lose, meaning you either just need a passport to the country, or have a parent born there, or have some kind of residence there. Suddenly the USA team is going to take a big hit.

There are other things that come to mind: the injury factor, of course. The USA team probably has the most to lose. Also it seems kinda bizarre to be pinning teammates against each other. And who the hell starts up a new championship league in 2006?? Plus some players will be pissed that they have to be in playing-shape a month earlier than usual. But, we'll also see (if it all isn't stuck on ESPN 2) all kinds of different players. But I don't know how playing 9 games is truly going to accurately appoint a champion. It also seems like a lot of work & traveling, too. And I really don't see the point of this, either. Ah, I can see the headlines now: "A-Rod tears ACL" "Colon tears rotator cuff" "Derrek Lee breaks ankle". "Manny Ramirez attacked by rooster".

<| Sunday November 13th, 2005 |>   "Pinch Your Nose, This Is A Big One (the bean burrito song)"

I have to admit, despite some of my extremely poor eating habits, I actually care about nutrition. Not that I always eat enough veggies or fruits, but I do make an effort to eat as much as I can stand, and not indulge on some of the worse things. In case you don�t remember or know (I didn't know), here is your proper 2000 calorie intake diet info:

Nutrient                      Unit of Measure   Daily Values

Total Fat                     grams (g)            65
Saturated fatty acids     grams (s)            20
Cholesterol                  milligrams (mg)   300
Sodium                       milligrams (mg)   2400
Potassium                   milligrams (mg)   3500
Total carbohydrates     grams (g)            300
Fiber                          grams (g)            25
Protein                       grams (g)            50

Now we all know how to add and subtract and multiply (I hope) and basically, companies just cut the info in half on their food labels so we don't think it's as bad for us. Very sneaky. Basically, to find out the percentage of your product for fat, take say, if you know: 29 and divide it by 65. Voila. You have eaten 44.65% of your daily allotment of fat in one little tiny burger. Let's take a can of Campbell's Homestyle Chicken soup (the only difference is smaller noodles from the regular).

A can of soup...seems pretty healthy... extremely low fat & sat. fat & cholesterol. Then we get to my favorite ingredient: sodium. 940 mg! And back to the sneaky part, that's only 1 serving. The 10 ounce can gives 2.5 servings, giving us a hypertension sensation of 2,350 mg of sodium, which puts us at our daily quota. And to think I used to sit down, eat the whole can, along with a salty side of cottage cheese and a couple glasses of milk (also high in sodium). I think I'm beginning to see why I have trouble sleeping at night.

Behind this high mass conspiracy of super-salty foods, comes the antidote: if you eat too much sodium, drink lots of liquids (especially water). Well! Now I see where this "drink 8 glasses of water a day" bullshitcame from!

<| Monday November 14th, 2005 |>   "oh it was just too smelly."

Wow...The Bears & Colts defenses are the two best teams when it comes to no points allowed, with only 13.2 points allowed per game.

Yesterday's game featured the Stupid Bears 5-3 and the Shitty 49ers at 2-6. Bears were sporting their alternate bright orange jersey with white numbers & navy outline; with 3 navy stripes on the sleeves. With a dark navy helmet, they look like cheetos with a black olive on top of it.

The story of this game is the wind, not the 13 1/2 point spread that was given to the Bears, biggest in like 10 years. The wind is coming out of the south & west at 25 to 40+ mph, and it becomes a whirlwind in that atrocity of a Chicago stadium.

Let's see..the Bears kicked a 39-yard field goal into the wind, only to watch the ball literally dart 25 yards to the right by a huge wind gust of over 40mph+.

49ers were on the Bears 12 yard line, it's 4th and 3, the 49ers kick a field goal, it's good. Only the Bears jumped offside, which resulted in a 1st down. 49ers, worst red-zone team in the NFL, decide to take the 3 points off the board and go for it. End result: loss of 5 yards, and they ended up kicking the field goal again anyway. 3-0.

Bears had outstanding field position, starting on their own 40 a few times; would have been on the 49ers 30 yard line had Wade not fumbled for a second time.   Oh shit, 49ers attempt a 52-yard field into the wind (stupid) and its short, Nathan Vasher, # 31, caught it & returned it for a 108-yard TD. 7-3 at HT. Apparently this was a recording breaking play, longest play ever in the NFL, and it came on one of the stupidest ideas ever. The 49ers organization really has some really incompetent people in charge, and I'm not making this up, since I've read numerous articles about this.

7-6 now in the 3rd, thanks to a huge roughing the passer personal foul on the Bears which lead to a 49ers field goal into the wind. It was hooked about a foot to the left, but landed perfectly down the middle.   And another ORTON! endzone interception! Wow, after the Bears intercepted the 49ers on their like 38 yard line, they got 15 more yards on an unnecessary roughness....plowed down the field, only to have it intercepted in the endzone with the wind! You see a lot of sloppy football with two very crappy teams. 3 turnovers in 3 quarters for the Bears.

Ugh, Bears get bullshit 24-yard passing interference call for them. The ball was well beyond the receiver & at the sideline / out of bounds, and was completely an uncatchable ball. It lead to a Bears TD. 14-6. Wade has dropped a 60-yard punt at the 3 yard line and the 49ers recover. It's only his 3rd turnover of the day! Too bad it lead to -9 yards and only 3 points for the 49ers with stupid 12-men penalty and delay of game / false start. Eh, stupid game over. Bears win 17-9. 6-3 now. The Bears can only win one more game in order to be a 7-9 playoff team. The schedule gets tougher, but they play the shitty Packers twice and the shitty Vikings once. And no, the Bears didn't cover the spread. Btw, Vasher's jersey is going to the Football Hall of Fame.

Oh ya, Family Guy & American Dad's endings last night really didn't make a whole lot of sense. I'm noticing newer shows are using a hit-and-run method of just making a bullshit super-quick ending. Kinda anti-climatic.

<| Tuesday November 15th, 2005 |> "You can't spell "Chicago bullshit" without "Chicago Bulls!" "

Inexplicably even more shit you didn�t know about me:

76. Until 3rd grade, I assumed everyone could hear the loud crunchy food-noise in my mouth at the same volume as I heard it as.
77. I don't believe animals should or have rights.
78. My favorite car air freshener smell is vanilla.
79. I almost got hit by a car one day when I was young. I was wearing an itchy navy blue polyester sweatcoat and the wind blew the hood over my face as I was crossing the street. I almost walked right into it.
80. I rarely leave dishes out after I've eaten. They must be rinsed / soaked.
81. I have this bad habit when after I made food, I put all of the stuff I took out of the fridge / cabinet back in its place, no matter how badly I'm starving.
82. I like my milk cold as possible, so I immediately put it back after pouring.
83. I like to put my drinking glasses in the freezer to chill them for at least 10 minutes.
84. I go through an average of 4 napkins a day. Plus everywhere I go, I like to grab some.
85. I no longer eat and drive at the same time.
86. I have absolutely no use for black pepper. It does nothing for me. Table salt is pointless.
87. When I shower, I stand with my back to the water. Tho not in the dry winter months because it makes my back itch like hell.
88. I love cheese and chicken, but not together.
89. I have never been to court, ridden in an airplane, have eaten veal or seen the ocean or mountains.
90. I once had a wart in the palm of my foot, and then 6 months later, got one on the other foot in the exact same location. I remember I had to put this pink liquid skin-remover shit on every single day for like 13 months.
91. Once I quit eating McDonalds & butter, my back cleared up from all of the pimples/greasiness.
92. I have a horrible time figuring out the lyrics in music.
93. I cannot move my right eyebrow.
94. Sometimes I worry that dead spirits are watching me and taking notes.
95. I think clowns should be illegal and all evidence of their paraphernalia should be destroyed.
96. I absolutely hate whistling. It's a horrible sound.
97. My right eye tends to "water" more than the left one. I dab it with a napkin or sleeve often.
98. When I eat cheetos / seasoned chips, I always suck on them until the flavoring has worn off, then I chew them.
99. I have this annoying habit of eating frenchfries one at a time.

<| Thursday November 17th, 2005 |> "It's funny when performers fall off the stage."

Flour tortilla pizza

Tired? Hungover? Lazy? Impotent? Strung-out? Bored? Fugitive on the run? Sick of a thick-crusted pizza? Perhaps you don't feel like "really" cooking or going out and getting some shitty fast food. Here's an idea I came up with after not having any pitas lying around & after hearing flour tortillas are gaining popularity, especially in pastries because of its low-fat content.

Ingredients that I used:
Flour tortillas, tomato sauce, mozzarella, basil, fennel seeds, onion powder, oregano, pepperoni and a cookie sheet.

Basically, I put the tortillas on the cookie sheet; I spread on some tomato sauce, leaving 1 inch from the edge because the shit can ooze out over the edge. Then I put all of the shit on, pop it in the oven at 400 degrees or so and its sits in there until the cheese starts bubbling up. The crust on the edges turns into a nice, golden brown crunchy cracker. Of course, this isn't rocket science and you can put your own toppings on.

I've never really been about those 1-inch thick pizza crusts and sometimes it's nice to have a thin crust. This is perfect for people who hate to eat crust. It can also be folded up and eaten like a taco (tho kinda messy since it tends to drip on the edges. Eat it all-out like when you...yeah..eat-out).

<| Wednesday November 16th, 2005 |> "You have a mustache, woman!"

Optional DH

Another idea about the Designated Hitter in baseball: make it up to the home team to decide whether or not to have it. I'm sure the Astros would had loved to see Jeff Bagwell as a DH in Houston during the World Series. Odds are, it would most likely would had made a difference. Also, this would be an interesting strategy, when you play Boston and suddenly can take the bat out of David Ortiz's hands. This rule would apply only to A.L. teams & interleague games. This idea probably came up due to the fact that DH's pretty much suck these days. I still like my idea of unlimited DH's on an A.L.team. This would really emphasize the bench a lot, because I can think of a few awesome fielders on my team who are complete shit-hitters, and there's power hitters on the bench not playing due to too many outfielders. But, I'd be happy if they got rid of the DH in favor of expanding the roster to 26 players & had pitchers bat, like in the N.L.. You can never have too many pitchers.

Oh, and Chris Carpenter won the Cy Young award, as he should have. Give me a break.... starting pitchers who only win 13 games *cough Clemens* have no business being a winner, especially when this individual pitched much less innings, did not travel with the team & is an asshole in general *cough Clemens*. It's not my god damn problem that his team didn't score any runs for him. The Cy Young award is about great pitching and wins. Forgive me if I don't study the statistics very hard or don't care very much about the award. If you win (most important) and you have a great ERA with a good K/BB ratio, then that's good enough for me.

Frank Thomas' option was not picked up ($10 mil), rightfully so. He'll probably re-sign with the White Sox but with an extreme performance incentive clause. It's laughable that Rafael Furcal is asking $10 to $12 million a year! He may be a 4-tool guy, but he's not that great of a player. There is no way in HELL that Paul Konerko is worth $12 to $15 million a year. I warn you....he's the slowest man in baseball, is extremely streaky, goes into long slumps and usually doesn't hit for a high average. He's pretty good with the glove at 1st and can hit 40 homers with 100 RBI, but I wouldn't sign him for more than $8-9 mil. Other than that, I have no other desire to talk about the free agent market. Oh ya, for all of you logo fans out there, Teams with changes coming are: K.C. Royals with a complete overhaul (first real change since club began in '69), the Devil Rays will have a new name & a complete overhaul, and there's talk of a royal blue Brewers alternate jersey with retro logos of "Barrel Man" or the "MB Glove" logo. The announcement is going to be sometime in early January.

<| Saturday November 19th, 2005 |> "UDCP. Another important division of Global Chem."

Bits and shits

Another reason to hate the circus: Once again every year at this time, the Bulls have to go on a West Coast road trip because the stupid fucking circus uses the UC. Bulls record on these trips in the past six years? 1-41.

The WNBA is a joke. The only reason why this is still around is because the NBA sponsors it / treats it as a charity case. Attendance has been falling every single year, all of the players are ugly giant freaks with pimples all over their sweaty dog faces, and players go down because of pregnancy. Not to mention the product itself isn�t that good, either. I don�t know why the NBA keeps this unprofitable sport alive. You might as well have Senior-NBA or Retard-NBA.

My new toothpaste tastes like house wall paint.

Well it looks like Arrested Development has been canceled, since Fox took it off its crucial November Sweeps period. I hate that fucking network so much. Sure, they let extremely stupid shows like "Stacked" with that skank P. Anderson which are total pieces of shit, and yet, they jerk around a well-written strong-cast show that has critical acclaim and has won Emmy's. I guess Fox got pissed that the show didn't have stupid shitless teenagers singing stupid pop songs or people running around in a prison or hospital. AD's episode order has been cut from 22 to 13. Let's hope that somebody like Comedy Central or HBO picks up the series. The problem with Fox, is they're too revenue-demographic driven and they don't care how good or bad the shows are. If it weren't for a huge protest & huge unprecedented DVD sales, Family Guy would had never came back. And it's just pathetic that they're keeping the Simpsons on. Bart Simpson is the most pathetic character in the history of television. My life has gotten so much better since I completely stopped watching the show.

Don't look now, but the Rex Grossman era will bestarting again shortly.

$4.25 eighteen-ounce burrito stuffed with freshly diced tomatoes, onions, lettuce, grated cheese, sour cream, bean paste and non-goat steak meat wrapped up in a toasted wheat tortilla is splendid.

<| Friday November 18th, 2005 |> "another day, another hippie dies."

100. Also boycotting That 70's Show, Domino's Pizza, food from gas stations, Milwaukee's Best beer, ice cream and hot dogs.
101. I am a very slow eater, partially because I don't want to bite my tongue / the side of my mouth / chip a tooth. Plus I enjoy it better that way & I can't eat fast because well, it makes me sick.
102. I really don't like shows with cops, lawyers or hospitals / surgery or eating disgusting things
103. Ice cream makes me gag, even when I just think about it.
104. I never chew gum.
105. I have no intention of getting an iP*d or cell phone.
106. I used to chew ice all of the time until I found out how bad it is for your teeth.
107. I once took a swig of lemon extract and it literally knocked my ass to the floor.
108. The sound of chalk scraping / the feeling of having very dry hands makes me squirm.
109. My current hat size is 7 3/8ths.
110. I spit / hack / snuff up phlegm a lot. I hate being congested.
111. I have 3 to 8 dreams / nightmares a night.
112. I believe in capital punishment, execution, and that children should been seen & not heard, and believe children should be spanked.
113. I have never had a mullet.
114. I must walk crooked or something because my jeans always wear-out / get holes just below the zipper area
115. My favorite musical sound is pipe organ / electric organ.
116. I've been known to wear a watch every single day for 20 years straight or a baseball cap everyday for 6+ years. I don't do either much anymore.
117. In tennis & ping pong, my strength is my backhand.
118. When I watch tv, I almost always hit the mute button to boycott those loud, annoying commercials. Occasionally I'll miss the first 3 to 5 seconds of audio in a show. I just fucking HATE commercials. I hit the mute button probably at least 50 times a day.
119. My tv is almost always on, but it's on mute a lot and I really don't watch it much. I find most tv stupid, pointless and beneath me.
120. enjoys activities like baseball, softball, homerun derby, basketball & H-O-R-S-E, volleyball, badminton, pickleball, tennis, football, catch, the occasional hike, darts, bowling, handball, dodge ball, especially ping pong and of course lawn darts.
121. favorite video games are baseball, hockey, golf, football (both college and pro), basketball, pool, card / dice games and Tetris.
122. hates 3-D embroidery on baseball caps & dropshadows.
123. Even if i knew the secret recipe to Coke or Pepsi, it would do nothing for me. It's just brown sugar water and there is so many better tasting sodas out there.
124. The sound of water running / rain drops makes me feel cold.
125. I have this urge to call everyone "Tex". Why, because it's so stupid. That'swhy.

<| Tuesday November 22nd, 2005 |> "It's just High School academics. High School Basketball is forever!"

Alright, I am going to try not to use so many god damn contractions. I rely on them too much. Makes me see lazy or stupid, I think. I rely too much on shortening my words. So let us see how it goes:

I am getting feelings of road rage and I am planning to roll down my window and yell at them.

There are too many people in their way. I cannot believe this shit. All I wanted was to purchase some crackers and beer.

Now let us think about things I should not eat because they are not healthy and it is very expensive.

I have thought about it and I will be getting the baseball bat.

There has never been any reason why I should not run the traffic light.

There are not, there were not, and they are not ever going to put "Dick Slapper" on a tee-shirt.

I am not aware that I should not be doing this.

Damn it this is hard!!! I'm having so much trouble writing this it's driving me crazy and it isn't worth the god damn trouble and they're problems. Aren't it????

<| Monday November 21st, 2005 |> "Don't get glad! Get MAD!!!"

Well the Bears won...yet again.. They (7-3) now must lose every single game to be the NFL's first 7-9 playoff team. Tho my money is now on the AFC East, with the Patriots being 6-4. Sadly, I don't think they can hold up their futile state. Sigh.

I watched the movie "Run, Ronnie, Run" staring David Cross and Bob Odenkirk Saturday night. Funny-ass movie, never dull and had lots of good bits, but I later read that Bob & David didn't like the way the movie was edited by the producer (who was on Mr. Show) suddenly went on an ego-tirade and Bob (from an interview on their site) encouraged us Mr. Show fans to not buy the movie, but only rent it; stating that the humor wasn't depicted in their vision. Which I can understand completely, and Bob & David were actually glad their movie, the origin of Mr. Show, wasn't released in theatres and went straight to DVD. Bob stated that he nor David were entitled to any profits due from the movie, but I can understand nothing sucks worse than having your vision of art butchered by someone else who really didn't get the vision.

I heard SNL blew with a DH host. Shitty writers are to blame.

<| Sunday November 20th, 2005 |>   "FUCK your Lottery numbers!! (the newscast theme).mp3"

An idea, LA Saints, why I hate football. Fans, uniforms, the players, "so popular"

Let's make football better.

1. Do-overs. Suppose your team got a punt blocked and it got ran back for a TD. No problem! Just throw out the white flag with the red pokadots onto the field and viola! Play never happened! Your stupid QB got flagged for intentional grounding? Fucking do it over! Your stupid QB threw an interception or your high halfback fumbled the ball? Fucking bring it back! Teams get up to 5 of these a game. Rule: only the offensive team can use the flag.
2. Play-clock is now 15 seconds long
3. Football is now filled up with helium.
4. Clipping is now legal.

It really makes your head itch. I don�t like what the NFL has become. The league was faced with a low revenue generating situation in New Orleans, with its crappy team and out-dated stadium. There's been talk of moving the team for years. Then suddenly, a hurricane hits it, and it�s the best thing that could have happened to the NFL. The team owner wants to move the Saints to San Antonio, which has no sky box revenue generators (most important to the NFL), but of course the league wants a team in Los Angeles. A few reasons; 2nd largest market / no team; apparently the NFL has to give some money back to their networks because of no L.A. team. Does L.A. really want a team? Apparently not. They were given preferential treatment in the last round of expansion, and nobody really took it seriously (thanks to college football) and is why we have the Houston Texans (terrible name).

It just makes me sick to think a league would use a natural disaster to their advantage. Another thing that bothers me, is that "image" is now used solely to make money. I'm talking about all these uniform changes. Most are pretty damn ugly, catered to stupid young people with too much money on their hands & are too god damn obsessed with "image", and this alternate-jersey shit needs to stop. I mean, come on, the Bears are wearing orange jerseys this Sunday! You play only 16 games a season, 8 home / 8 road, and you need a 3rd jersey??? Some teams are doing throwbacks (Chargers, Bills, Giants) which actually look great, *because* they're so clean looking and tasteful. Of course, the whole purpose behind is to make more money. If teams are lacking in sales, the NFL says, "Hey shitheads, think of a gimmick to pick it up!" Back in the day, uniforms & logos weren't dictated by marketing research and retail sales. It's only happened in the past 15 years or so, and once something gets so big and popular like the NFL, that's when it turns to shit to appease the masses. In College Football, this would be the Miami Hurricanes and Notre Dame, seemingly two very popular teams.

Another issue, the players.   The whole Terrell Owens was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back. I was aware of him doing shit like running from the endzone in Dallas to spike the ball / celebrate his TD on the 50-yard line Star logo, or the shit of pulling out a pen and signing shit in SF after a TD. I think there was a cell phone involved in another incident. Which I guess is amusing in a sense, but when you're trashing your teammates / coaches for no good reason, you're just a piece of shit, then.

Then there's the fans. It is not easy to interact with hard-core NFL fans. They dress up like drag queens and costumes, and stupid shit like Santa Claus on a Monday Night game at Dallas in September, and they eat way too much sausage. Plus there's this horrible impulse to make every single game a fucking party-concert. Plus a lot of players are way too fat, many are stupid, constantly haggling with the Law, fans ogle & praise cheerleaders like they're goddesses ("Lezbo cheerleaders? It's only the hottest thing ever!") Those people make me sick. You can all go to hell.

Yeah, I've said all the other shit I need to before (annoying tv graphics / idiots talking about football) and it's to the point that I can't even watch it anymore. Fox seriously needs to get rid of football.

<| Wednesday November 23rd, 2005 |>   "Well you're supposed to lock the door. It prevents embarrassing mishaps."

Being that I have nothing else to say, I�m going to write about one of my favorite foods: the cheeseburger.

My favorite: Tho it's really hard to pick a "favorite", the one that comes to mind is overly-simple. It's two medium-sized patties, with a slice of american cheese on top of each one and just a bun. No ketchup, no mustard, no onions, nothing. Just plain ol' meat and cheese, as nature intended.

Most Consumed One: This is only by default, due to the small size of the burger, which is a two and a half inch square. Meat pattie is extremely thin (cracker thickness) but is cooked in a bed of saut�ed diced onions and served on a lighter-than-air fluffy fresh bun; a lightness like puffy white clouds or cotton balls. The dill pickle slice is usually discarded and doesn�t add much flavor.   Cheese is optional and non-essential.

This Retro One: No longer exists, but it was very tasty. It came on a soft untoasted rye bun, medium pattie topped with a salty cheddar cheese sauce and saut�ed onions.

This Other Retro One: Burgers taste best when they come in a styrofoam container! This burger came in separate containers with the medium pattie and heel bun on one side, and lettuce, tomato and bun on the other. Proving once again the "B" in BLT means "burger", not "bacon", cocksuckers!

The One Probably Most Good For Me: No, this is not the "non-existent burger". This burger comes with a medium pattie, and is topped with chopped lettuce, tomato slices, onions, a dab of mayo mixed with ketchup and some pickles (discarded).

The Expensive One: I haven't had this one in a long time. It comes on butter toasted white bread, served with two thin patties, two slices of cheese of american and swiss, tomato slices & lettuce and Frisco sauce.

The Homemade One With Too Much Bread: Heel bun topped with chopped lettuce and 1000 Island dressing. Then 1st seasoned burger pattie topped with american cheese and diced onions.   Piece of white bread put on and topped with 1000 Island dressing and chopped lettuce. 2nd seasoned pattie topped with freshly diced onions and sesame bun. The key....is that it�s homemade.

The Morning Burger: Basically, a plain cheeseburger topped with scrambled eggs giving a nice moistness. Bacon optional.

The Standard Melt: Rotated routinely with either toasted rye bread or bun, medium pattie topped with either spreadable cheddar cheese or american cheese, topped with saut�ed mushrooms and onions.

The Delicious One: Thick juicy pattie, american cheese, red onions, lettuce, tomato and mayo on a cornmeal topped bun.   It�s only $3.50 but the place that sells it is jammed packed from opening to closing. And everybody hates waiting.

The Worst One For Me: This isn�t a surprise, it�s the bacon cheddar mushroom melt. The most saltiest burger on the planet. It comes with a salty square pattie in medium thickness, topped with salty american cheese, 3 salty strips of bacon, and a very salty cheddar cheese goo sauce mixed with salty mushrooms topped with a cornmeal soft bun. Luckily for me (my heart, actually), it only comes around for a limited time every 12 to 18 months.

The One I Haven't Tried Yet: This would be a single medium pattie, with melted cheddar cheese topped with bacon and bbq sauce on a toasted seasoned bun.

<| Thursday November 24th, 2005 |> "So call today, carpet tomorrow, and a free turban!"

Gobble gobble gobble gobble! Turkey Day is my favorite non-alcoholic holiday. Fuck diets, fuck everything. Turkey Day is the day to stuff yourself fucking stupid with turkey, gravy, stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet crescent rolls, jello-molds, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie with V8 juice & water. At least in my culture that�s what it is. I don't care for veggies or sweet yams or casseroles or squash or wine or beer or pickles or that Stove Top shit. Oh, if you don�t make homemade stuffing, don�t invite me over for Thanksgiving.

The most nauseating thing about Turkey Day... is the football. The NFL tradition of the Lions playing on Turkey Day goes back 65 years (hard to believe such a shitty football team has been around that long) and the Cowboys in the '60s. There is just something about watching two silver & blue teams play football indoors (just so completely wrong) on Astroturf (now Field Turf) that's ugly and disgusting. The Lions are never good, the Cowboys are the fucking scum of the NFL and represent everything that's wrong with Texas. Who the hell wants to watch two scummy NFC teams play and ruin your appetite? I don't. Let�s see what shitty teams are playing this year. Atlanta vs Detroit, and Denver vs Dallas in the later game. Ok then. I think I'll be watching Family Guy on tape, then. Oh wait, that's just as disgusting at times, too.

<| Friday November 25th, 2005 |> "Vote for Social Insecurity."

Remote Control
By: Dolph Rudager

Where's my..... remote control?
For the television
Can't get up
Or think
I'm so lazy and have no soul.

Batteries...remote control?
I can't find them
It needs them
I am simple
What can I buy now?

Can't make a thought
Can't pay a bill
Can't be unique
Can't have a brain.

I love... the pop culture
I have a debit card I use
And a cell phone
Live on the computer
Need to push a button
I need another.. upgraaaaaade!

Another product that I don't need
But I want it
I cannot resist, tho
Don't care �bout Credit Ratings
I need pizza
With extra sausage.
Where's my phone?

Can't write my name
Can't run around
Can't breathe easy
Don't wanna diet

Lookin' out for another Starbucks.

Where's my.... remote control?
Sitting on my ass all day
All I think of is me
Being shallow and materialistic.

Education - going back every year
Regression - not a progression
Extinction - I am in wane
Dissolution - I decay

END
(a Clash parody � 11/24/05)

<| Saturday November 26th, 2005 |> "no more clip shows!...I have a brain, you know."

Whew, a lot of wasted hours on the website today. I worked on the Writings page & I went back into my archives and dug up some bits and essays I've written for the UDCP. Also improved on most of the icon's quality.

Now for a pointless rant, we're talking about Krispy Kreme donuts. Yeah, I'll admit, I only heard about these donuts in folk lore back in the day because they didn't infiltrate into the area / over saturate the land with their franchises. You used to have to drive over 400 miles out of the area down South (of course) to pick up a box of these, and that was only due to the gypsy's & carnie's. At first, I was blown away by these lighter-than-air extreme sugar content and endless glaze of these deep-fried lard treats with a hole. But then they built about 4,000 of them, and they started popping up in every food merchandising location. Well guess what.. they suck.

There's stories of people standing in line for hours on end (up to 17 hours in some cases) to pick up the latest lol "baked" batch of these donuts. Upon further education, they're disgusting. They're soggy, too sweet and have too much sugar glaze on them. You'd be better off eating the napkin for nutritional value instead. And of course, I wasn't the first to pick up on this. And behold, a huge nation-wide boycott began a few years ago, and now KK is losing profits, is rescinding future franchise stores, thanks to the low-carb paranoia and sensible thinking.

Now, I don't know who actually eats KK donuts, especially when DD's are much better & come with outstanding and wonderfully extremely addicting coffee. I suppose if you are office employees or have lard-consumed brain power, I guess you don't know better.

<| Sunday November 27th, 2005 |> "The NBA: Deal With It."

Let's do the bad idea; let's BE the idea!

Fuck everything!

If you have sex, don't use protection and do as many people as possible!

Go to the supermarket and eat the food off the shelves! Drink cans of pop! Drop glass jars of spaghetti sauce on the floor! Take your finger and smudge all of the pastries! Squeeze the bread! And go steal the batteries, because batteries are easy to steal! Only suckers pay for batteries!

If you drive, drive on any lane of the road! Fuck traffic and turn signals. You go when you fucking WANT to go! You make turns where ever you feel like it. And if you want to park in the handicrap spot, go for it! Why should some paint on some meager asphalt tell YOU not to park there??

Spit on the sidewalk! Piss on the sidewalk! Shit on the sidewalk! Cuss at everyone while on the sidewalk!

Scream "FIRE" everywhere you go!

If you go to a movie threatre, pull out your cell phone and talk as loudly as you please! You paid for the ticket, it's you're right, correct? And make sure the ring-tone is on as loud as it can be, so people know you're talking on the phone!

If you go to a restaurant, keep screaming louder and louder until your food comes. That way they'll cook it faster! Critique the waiters and tell them "there's always room for improvement", and then walk out of the place without leaving a tip or paying.

Critique random people with sayings like, "you're using way too much make-up." "you're too damn old. Fix that!" "you're too short. Do something about it, lil shit." "you're ugly, woman. Get hotter!" "hey kid! You're taking up space! Cease to exist!" "hey kid! That toy is stupid! Stop being so lame!"

Get gift certificate cards as gifts and don't even use them! Put your chewing gum on door knobs, windows and seats! Speaking of toilet seats, piss on them!

And if you're in school, cheat as much as humanly conceivable! The goal is to achieve as much as imaginable while retaining as little information as possible! And if you work in an office, slip as much of your work as you can on to other people's desks! Steal things off people's desks. Spend as much time as you can in the bathroom & at lunch; and come in late and leave early!

If you have a dog or a snake, rabbit, raccoon, or a kangaroo for a pet and you take it to the park so it can poop, don't bother even picking up the shit! In fact, take a shit there for yourself as well! You never approved the stupid sanitary laws of the park, so to fucking hell with them! If they got a problem, hurl the shit at them!

And don't forget, the Constitution allows you to say whatever you want, whenever you want, at whoever you want! You don't owe anybody any restraint!

And if you out and about, and people are in your way or are pissing you off, don't be afraid to yell or push or shove at mothers and their children or especially old people! Don't take any fucking shit from any of them, damn it. The world was made JUST FOR YOU! Everything revolves around YOU! And if something screws up, it's ALWAYS THEIR FAULT!!

<| Monday November 28th, 2005 |> "Uncle Vance, pooped on the table."

Marlins: van on the run. Well, the Fightin' Fish have received permission to move the team in time for the 2008 season, which isn't that far away, since it's almost 2006 (scary). Why? Because they can't get stadium financing from the state (a cool $60 mil, mind you). Never mind the state of Florida has much bigger and more important problems (like Hurricane damage) than some fucking baseball team. Let's see, this team has been around since 1993, won two World Series championships, had a huge fire-sale after the '97 championship and are in the process of doing it again, playing in a stadium that's only 17 years old (only 5 when they started) and their attendance is worst in the N.L. Worst attendance in the majors? Yep...the "other" Florida team.

Now the question remains� where in the hell are the Marlins going to move to, now that D.C. has a team?? Possibilities are:

North Virginia: very, very unlikely with the Nationals (soon to be sold / possibly renamed) in D.C.

New Jersey: the most filthy place in the country, but apparently there�s a "huge" fan base, which I think is bullshit, because they're losing their NBA team and possibly their hockey team. Also the Mets & Yankees hold territory rights to the area.

Montreal: nobody likes baseball in France Jr. A shitty stadium and a weak dollar. Just a bad idea.

Las Vegas: MLB will never allow a team here, especially with all of the gambling / prostitutes.

Portland: no stadium in place, and bad because it's an NL team and no rivalry with the A's or Mariners. Plus it's a small market and the state is poorly run. Worst thing, the closest N.L. team is the Giants, and they already have their big rival. They have a minor league team, The Beavers, who play in a 20,000 seat stadium that has only 20 luxury suites (you need at least 50 to 100). But they would need to build a retractable dome from scratch, which of course, will cost anywhere from $400 million to $800 million.

Puerto Rico: the old idea of playing half (40) their home games in Miami, the other in Puerto Rico like the Expos did. History shows Rico can't keep up with the demand

Mexico: They've played a few games there, as has the NFL. It's mostly about travel than anything, and a dome (blah) would take away the heat factor. It's probably the most feasible option there is.

Charlotte: possibly another choice, but the people don�t want baseball.

Indianapolis: was supposed to get a team in 1985 but instead it went to Denver. The Colts & Pacers aren't going anywhere, but it would be the smallest MLB market.

Hartford / Connecticut: The alternative to Boston. Probably the best option and to eat up those non-Red Sox / non-Mets fans who want their own N.L. team. The problem is, no stadium exists.

3rd New York team: a lot of people want this, and think it'd compliment the Mets a lot.

Most logical: just fucking fold the Marlins and Tampa A.L. team. This would require some realigning. Detroit Tigers back to A.L. East to take Tampa's spot, Texas Rangers take Tiger's spot in A.L. Central. NL team Colorado Rockies to move to the Ranger old A.L. West spot. Pittsburgh Pirates to N.L. East to take Marlins old spot. 14 teams in each league, East and Central divisions have 5 teams each; West divisions have 4 each. This would satisfy a few things: Texas Rangers finally in a central time zone division; have long opposed playing west coast teams. Tigers back in the east renewing 90+ year old rivalries including Yankees.

Face it, MLB. There isn't any place left to put a team, and you have too many. Prediction for the future: The Toronto Blue Jays will eventually relocate or get folded, as for the Tampa A.L. team or Marlins. Something is going to happen to the Twins�because that ShittyDome isn't going to last forever and they can't get funding. Same trouble for the A's. I could see the D'Backs getting contracted in the next 20 years. We are seeing a shift in city priorities these days, where sports teams "apparently" to be doing less good for the city than before. Cities are figuring teams are getting "too rich" and getting "too good of deals" for their stadiums. Cities apparently think the economic impact of a pro team is minimal.

<| Tuesday November 29th, 2005 |> "I know what you could get your gf.. a punch in the mouth!"

Shits & Fits.

Well here's something I didn't know: the Olympics has a female hockey team event. I didn't even know such a thing existed, and has since apparently 1998. I wouldn't know of anyone who would actually know of this sport, let alone watch it. And of course, the only competition is between USA & Canada. And yet, baseball was dropped by the Olympics for the first time since like 1932. And they wonder why Olympic ratings are always slipping.

As pertaining to hockey, one of my favorite topics in the world bared its controversial head: steroids! The President of the World Anti-Doping Agency accused the NHL of having over 1/3rd of its players on "performance enhancing drugs". It's no secret that the NHL has no drug testing in place, and due to the (once) violent sport that players are rage-o-holics. Fighting / violence is down / being scaled back in the NHL, but of course it still has its incidents. Like a notorious head-hunter on the Canucks plowed a young player into the ice face-first resulting in a spinal injury & season-long suspension and an old Bruin playing in his last game, pursues a racially-motivated attack to the neck. So naturally, the NHL players are defending themselves by saying "we're built on speed, not bulk. So there's no point to taking steroids!!". Apparently the fucknuts never heard that so many people in Track & Field get busted for steroid use every single year. We're not stupid. And MLB proved that even small & crappy ballplayers who aren't homerun hitters were taking steroids, too.

"why is the Peanuts theme being played during a Ford commercial?", as I asked myself last night. What the hell does the comic strip have to do with selling Ford SUV's? Keep in mind, most of the people involved in the strip are dead, but I think this is just greedy beneficiaries trying to milk every last dime out of the franchise Which is most obscenely apparent, when they're in the process of releasing every single Peanuts strip in the like 50 year history; with a lot of the earliest ones being scanned yellowed newspaper clippings. Basically, it's going to cost someone about $1,500 to own this complete collection. And frankly, I'm getting a little sick and tired of hearing pop culture music in commercials.

I think it's funny when people stand outside in the cold morning hours of a department store for hours upon a "good" sale, then when the doors finally open at like 5am, then they trip and trample over each other! And it's funny, when they're fighting over some stupid toy (thanks to most likely due to their fucking spoiled rotten kid who wanted it) and they're fighting and pushing and shoving each other; hurting each other in the process! And it's funny when those stupid fat women who are compulsive shoppers cut in line & start fights with people & end up getting shoved / punched / cussed out by other women & husbands & are eventually taken away by security. It's funny because sometime it gets caught on tape and gets shown on tv! Shopping is stupid!!

Potato Sticks are interesting. If you don't know what they are, they're basically potato chips the size of toothpicks, tho flat. It comes either in a can or a re-sealable bag, and you basically just pour a bunch out on a plate or newspaper, eat them, and whatever you don't use, you just pour them back into the container. They have a much better flavor & alternative to those greasy regular potato chips. I just thought I'd mention it since I'm boycotting (yes, the lil angry hippie that I am) regular deep fried chips and was stuffing my face with them along with my fish sandwich. Tho I do feel the need to say something pro-active: "awwww madam, he rejected your marriage proposal. **loud & deeply** Hahahahahahahahaha!"

<| Wednesday November 30th, 2005 |>   "you're supposed to sleep on the couch, genius."

Wow, probably the worst song I've ever written! Just most of the title and the 1st line ripped-off from another song.

Come Live With Me
D. Rudager

i got nasty habits
i piss all over the place
on the toilet seat, and in the yard, and in the shower
I spit phlegm at every face

I cuss at old people
and I scream while I drive
people fornicate all around
it's a shame you idiots are alive.

[Chorus]: come live with me, come live with me.
yeah, if you dare.
Yeah.

i drink booze and smoke cigarettes
i swear a lot and write bad literature
because it's such a fashion statement,
i burn leaves and paper.

Because 'm such a cheapskate,
i have a slow internet connection
i fart a lot
i don't watch movies, and watch only in syndication.

[Chorus]: come live with me, come live with me.
yeah, if you dare.
Yeah.

yeah, i come to your house
and i poop all over your toilet
I'm a filthy, filthy man.

and my belt is my throne.
I'll yell at your children and discipline with the belt
I'm an old-school man

**some kind of 53-second tuba/ acoustic guitar / tambourine solo**

if i'm in the mood, i'll give you a shove
or a cuss parade just for you
Come live with me.
you'd be the idiot, you'd be the fool.

i'm not afraid to say something.
i will not tolerate what i can't tolerate
I got good credit, and i pay my bills
if you don't, I'll Nazi-retaliate.

i'll play a video game and scream my ass off
or maybe i'll just throw something instead.
if you leave out the milk or the dishes
You'll wish you were dead.

[Chorus]: come live with me, come live with me.
yeah, if you dare.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Come....come....come live with me, oh yeah

..not my fault.   Yours!

END                                                       11/29/05

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