May 2008 - Untitled Daily Column Project

Your daily dose of the absurd.

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> Thursday May 1st 2008 < "Well this is strange... a 1970s comic book ad to "win a chance to go get high with Adam Rich"."

It is very bleak here in the post-strike world. Not very much internet posting, shows suck, not much news. Apparently on Monday we had a record low of like 30 degrees, and also snow in Chicagoland. I don't remember snow this late in April before, but apparently it happened in 2005.

Apparently there's going to be a spin-off to Family Guy, called "Cleveland" and will center around the life of Cleveland Brown. I don't know if Cleveland is going to be moving, or what's the deal with Cleveland Jr. residency after the divorce with Loretta, but I can tell you is the only reason they're doing this is to make more money, and rest assured it will probably be a very racist cartoon. I give the show 6 episodes before it gets canceled. And I probably won't be wrong this time on that, after predicting that "Frasier" would fail (of course that was before it first aired).

I heard Emeril Lagasse say that Louisiana chef Paul Prudhomme, in his restaurants, used to average 1 pound of butter per customer. Which even shocked Emeril to being excessive. Of course, Paul Prudhomme is 67, weighs about 670 pounds and doesn't really move much these days while he cooks, but he still cooks with a lot of butter.

Paul Prudhomme while heavily breathing: **droooooooooooool** **gasp** "Triple the butter!!!!!"

Emeril Lagasse: "No Paul, that's already too much!!!"

Paul Prudhomme while heavily breathing: **droooooooooooool** **gasp** "Double the tripled butter!!!!!!!!"

Emeril Lagasse: "No Paul! That's still way too much!!"

> Friday May 2nd 2008 < "Dick Van Patten is insane."

Apparently, during HBO's "Costas Now" earlier this week, "Friday Night Lights" author G.H. "Buzz" Bissinger started screaming and accusing about how sports blogs are "showcasing despicable writing that dumbs down society". Well, whether we want to admit it or not, this is a sports blog, at least some of the time. Time to get cracking.

Hey Buzz Bissinger, how 'bout you go fuck your old fat self! God damn lousy crummy crusty old fart! Why don't you go piss on that! See, the beauty of sports blogs, is we don't need to whore and deficated ourselves to some mere pissant publisher to get our ideas and thoughts shown to the public! How many dirty deeds did YOU have to do to get some dumbass sap to publish your shit, eh??

Lou Piniella! You're a stupid fat fuck! God you're such a dumbass! A stupid dumb fat fuck! What's the matter, fat fuck, you afraid to be a REAL manager and bat Alfonso Soriano in the order instead of putting a crippled broken old foreigner at lead-off with a low OBP?? You're such a gutless fat fuck. You shouldn't even be allowed to manage in baseball! Not even T-ball! Stupid shitfaced cockmaster! You donkey raping shit eater! God you're such a fat fuck, Lou. Mediocre manager. Such a fat fuck. Ok, there's 3 outs in an inning, 9 innings per game, 27 outs per game, and the slow broken homerun hitting players bat lower in the lineup! Yes I'm insulting your intelligence. God damn fucking fat bastard turd. Such a fat fuck. Do I have your attention?? GOOD!! A big fat, fucking fat fuck! God damn fat pisshead. You eat poop for dinner, Poop Eater? Yeah you do. It fills up the empty cavity where a brain would reside. Nice fucking job of scoring 19 runs on Wednesday, only to lose by 1 on Thursday! Yeah, you really think you're the cock of the walk by scoring 19 runs, but the truth of the matter is, you lost the previous and next games, thus losing the series, and showing your gross incompetence. You won by 14, only to lose by 1! Should've saved your runs, asshole!

NBA! Playoffs are too long! It'll be like July 4th when they're done! And guess what, David Stern, nobody cares.

NHL! Playoffs are too long! It'll be like July 4th when they're done! And guess what, Gary Bettman, nobody cares.

Kentucky Derby! Shoot the horses! Horseburgers for dinner tonight!

MLB! Kerry Wood blew yet another save, Cubs losing 4-3 to the Brewers with a 2-run lead in the 9th. I don't have to tell you that it's not the players, but the manager who wins ball games. Lou certainly blew this one.

NFL Draft: "What the fuck, man?"

Bounty paper towels. Now Kevin Arnold's sister is in their latest TV commercial. I don't think she's even acted since being on "The Wonder Years".

Female jeans: What the fuck is up with these?? They have like no waist! They bend over, and it's Ass Crack City. Stupid generation.

The Price is Right wheel. This thing is fucking rigged, I tells ya. Fucking RIGGED. The wheel goes as follows: .5, $1.00, .15, .80, .35, .60, .20, .40, .75, .55, .95, .50, .85, .30, .65, .10, .45, .70, .25, .90. I'm sure a lot of thought went into the process of trying to screw over the contestants as much as possible with that incredibly random sequence, but then they realized that the show was in California and people like win and feel good. So naturally I'm assuming there's some dude behind the wheel with a brake pedal with a bunch of grinders and gears, since this show is all about late 1960s technology and props. So I'm sure a spin is estimated by a group of scientists, and then pressure is applied to the brake pedal, thus increasing the chance of a $1.00. The odds of getting a dollar are 1 in 20, and I'd assume 1 in 40 on two spins. I don't know.

> Saturday May 3rd 2008 < "Yeah!! You fucking schooled that slide!"

Well today's title quote was from my sarcastic reaction to something I saw on "Eight is Enough", where old sister Susan wanted to help stupid Nicholas at the playground to make some new friends during recess, and this potential new friend just slid down this slide with ordinary effort which was completely unremarkable, and Susan says "Yeah, alriiiiiiiiiight!!!" when the potential new friend completes his use of the slide. Quite lame indeed. Tho it turns out this was just another bad life decision by Susan, because quickly this new friend invites Nicholas to "go behind the bushes and smoke a cigarette", lit match already in hand. And of course, Nicholas ends up getting caught and is coughing. Now that was some TOP RATE ACTING, because at this point in the show, it being 1979, Nicholas actor Adam Rich had already been dabbing into smoking doobies backstage with his fellow actors; had been since age 11. It's a little known fact to me that apparently "Eight is Enough" was never actually canceled, the writers and producers decided to end the show, disappointed with the way the young actors were turning out (booze, basic drug use, dope, cocaine, pregnancies and general assholeism) and decided "It's not worth it", despite high and strong ratings. This of course was early 1981, before the nation would realize there was a big drug problem going on in this country and begin the War on Drugs. Oh, and I absolutely love how this show opens its theme intro, with the image of Adam Rich, who looks 7, drinking from a glass bottle (in which this case, is an outdated 16 ounce bottle of soda) which is wrapped with a brown paper bag, like he's some kind of cheap street dude drinking Rocket Fuel Malt Liquor. Yeah, that's the wholesome and I'm assuming then-ironic joke of making it look like an underaged kid drinking hooch from a bottle. Real nice way you want to kick off your program. That bit has aged really, really, really badly. What's next, a candy cigarette followed by pretending to start a knife fight with someone with a switch blade knife that's actually a comb? Ah, outdated retro junk.

Well Day 5 of Hell's Kitchen has been put up, and I do have to say that this blog has been fucking blogged the hell out of it this week. Ah, nothing like a newspaper article to get the writing juices flowing. As I type this, the White Sox have fallen into a tie in 1st place with a 14-14 record, with the Twins about to win tonight. I know I have a rule about not looking at the standings until after the All Star Break, but seeing what happened last year, I'm at least moving that date up to June 1st. Maybe earlier. Tho I have to say, tho it seems 5 of the 6 divisions still have very close races, tho the D-Backs are running away with the N.L West with a 21-9 record with a 4.5 lead over the Dodgers, with the Padres somehow 10 games out of 1st already. I really didn't see things happening for the Padres this year.

> Sunday May 4th 2008 < "Most parents wouldn't let their children eat off the floor. But I would."

2008 has been a good year for cleaning house. We finally get rid of some annoying pissants.

Brett Favre finally retired. First time since 1990 that there will be no Favre in the NFL. That hillbilly pill-popping wife-beating boozehound. Nobody can explain how he bounced back from 56% completion 18-18 TD/INT to 66.5% 28-15. HGH comes to mind. I find it hilarious that the last play Favre was ever in cost his team from going to the Super Bowl.

Barry Bonds finally was forced to retire in shame. First time since 1985 MLB will be free of Barroids. Few people have been as close to being an arrogant or a clubhouse cancer or brought shame to the game to the degree Bonds has. Hopefully he'll stay retired and some team won't get desperate during the season.

Roger Clemens appears to finally be retired. For the first time MLB will be rid of Roger Clemens since 1983. Few pitchers have ever come from a near complete natural breakdown in their mid 30s to a late career surge that dwarfed even his best stats in his prime (and when I say "few" I mean "no one"). As I type this, more and more mistresses of Clemens keep coming out, which shows another arrogant side of Clemens, whom undoubtedly took steroids and HGH. Despite the fact that the results are obvious, there's footage and player knowledge. Few players have treated the game with such lack of respect, arrogance, poor sportsmanship, and general assholery with such ridiculous demands (private jet, pitch only home games / when he feels like it). Another clubhouse cancer.

Sammy Sosa appears to be retired once again. He sat out 2006 and we may finally be rid of this Bonds-esque player since 1988. Few baseball players with such an upbeat attitude have alienated and pissed off a whole clubhouse. I hear Sammy Sosuck has some of the worst taste in music ever. A caught corker and a most likely steroids & HGH user, and the fact that he was a Cub for most of his career makes me want to delete his stats from the records books.

Julio Franco has finally retired after 23 MLB season at the age of 49. MLB will finally be free of Franco for the 1st time since 2000 and the 2nd time since 1981. It's not that I have anything against Julio Franco, but it's the fact that he's turning 50 this year and he's STILL better than the White Sox 2nd baseman of Juan Uribe. It is a sorry state of affairs for a sport that someone that fucking old is still better than the current talent. This is what happens when you spread your pitching out really thin and water down the product with way too many teams. What the sad thing is Uribe is in the hitters advantage era and he still sucks. Had he played during when pitchers dominated the game, he'd probably wouldn't even hit .100. SHAAAAAAAAAAME!!!

Maya Rudolph finally left Saturday Night Live, who pathetically returned for the 33rd season even after the big lavish send-off they gave her in the season 32 finale. We are finally rid of her and her annoying habit of singing loudly and annoyingly for the first time since 1998. Few SNL players have aged badly, going from once a key player to just some afterthought whose only used once or twice in a show to sing. Over the years, people realized that she's really not that funny.

Yes, 2008 has been a great year so far of cleaning house. Let's hope we can keep it going.

What gained in 2008:

The Chicago Blackhawks on WGN for the first time since 1975-76 season, and even then it was only road games. The team signed a 3-year agreement to show as many as 20 games in HD on WGN. The team used to be on WGN-TV from 1961-76. All Blackhawks games will be on 720-AM WGN.

Baseball guru Steve Stone has returned to the broadcast booth, and it's as a White Sox radio color man! Bye bye shitty Chris Singleton! ESPN just wanted to keep making their channel even shittier by hiring you. Finally we can hear a White Sox game, but the 7-second radio delay is ridiculous.

Now who needs to get the hell out!
-> Rex Grossman & Cedric Benson. This sick, weak QB / RB combo is a bust. Just get RID of it. Let it die.
-> Joe Crede. Stop fucking up Josh Fields future and leave the team! Go sign your stupid big $150 million contract with someone else and LEAVE. You sucked for a long, long time and had one good season. You don't fool me. You and your stupid-ass chin hair. Shit faced cock master.
-> Juan Uribe. Come ON. He doesn't deserve to be on the worst MLB. I wouldn't even want him on my softball team.
-> Season 4 of Hell's Kitchen prize. NONE of these pathetic turds, none of them deserve the $250,000 executive chef prize in a Chef Ramsay Las Vegas restaurant. Seriously, none of these turds deserve it. Just fucking shut it down. The Strike is over, we don't need anymore.

> Monday May 5th 2008 < "Girls and mathematics: natural born enemies."

guy whom cheerily walking by: "How's it going, buddy??"

Dolph: "The name is "Dolph" and you know it, Scott." **stares sternly**

Scott: **walks away**

> Tuesday May 6th 2008 < "She gets! She gets! She gets! She gets... therrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeee."

Day 6 of Hell's Kitchen. Let me start off by saying this was the absolute worst Hell's Kitchen ever. Suddenly Hell's Kitchen now caters to Sweet 16 birthday parties, which is so lame. Christina is annoying with her self revelation. Who cares! Chef Ramsay: "Now fuck off and get some sleep!" The challenge is to make an entree and two appetizers for some stupid mother and her stupid soon-to-be 16 year old girl, who gets some stupid lavish party in Hell's Kitchen. 25 minutes, $100 for each team to make the dishes, and 45 minutes to prepare the menu. The focus of this episode is Matt ignoring his team and Shayna being slower than hell. The blue team's appetizer was stuffed chicken wings. The red team made a shrimp dish. Girl says she's never had shrimp before. And they pick the chicken wings. The blue team's entree is halibut. The red team's entree is asparagus and shrimp. Girl picks halibut. The second blue's team entree is surf n turf filet minion. The second red's team is steak and fries. And the steak wins. The blue team wins 2-1. The red team's punishment is helping decorate & food prep the restaurant. The men's reward is a trip to a bumper car place.

Fast forward, there's all these people, the menu is stuffed chicken wings, halibut with mango salsa, beef tenderloin, and Chef Ramsay's classic menu. The mom's halibut is dry, the girl's steak was undercooked, complete service. Each team is to nominate one person. Red team nominates Shayna because she's slower than shit, Chef Ramsay brings Rosann to step forward. The blue team nominates Matt, after Bobby had to cook at his fish station. Shayna goes home, and Matt is the "new chef" and asks to switch to the red team, which he does. Shayna is kicked out of Hell's Kitchen.

FUCKING SHUT IT DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!

> Wednesday May 7th 2008 < "While I was drinking the malt liquor while rounding first base in softball...."

The Aftermath. Day 1 after last night's episode of Hell's Kitchen, and it's still the worst Hell's Kitchen ever. It fucking sucked. FUCKING BURN IT!!!! I said burn it! The sheer gross incompetence that bridles the entire cast is too overwhelming. Chef Ramsay should make like Lorne Michaels at the end of the 1985-86 season, where Lorne set Billy Martin & most of the Saturday Night Live cast in Studio 8-H on fire and set fire to Hell's Kitchen. It was without doubt the most stupid, most sloppily, most filler 54 minutes of television there was. If they can't even fill an episode which American Idol eats into, what the hell hope could they have for putting on 2 hour episodes?? Oh, and don't even bother watching the previews and commercials, they're made to mislead you into thinking stupid shit. Some things to think about:

The blue team wins but loses a man, or otherwise known in the baseball world: Addition by subtraction. Corey continues to piss her teammates off, which will hurt her if she makes it to the final, hence there probably will be 6 booted contestants brought back to help in the final service. Tho if anyone from the Red team makes it to the finals, they'll probably be hurt by vengeance and lousy cast offs.

If two people from the Blue team makes it to the finals, they should have an advantage since the guys seems more team oriented than the women, and thus are probably guaranteed to have at least 2/3rds of a helpful staff.

FUCKING SHUT IT DOWN!

> Thursday May 8th 2008 < "Completely ridiculous...that's Fox Sports"

Woman driver hits man / just like any other day
By Dolph Rudager
ASSOCIATED PRESS

CHICAGO - Well, well, well! There was a big accident on the track that resulted from a driver going too close to a pit crew, and it was done by a woman! Danica "I like everybody!" Patrick! It was a WOMAN who hit a man, gave him a concussion. Woman can't handle her car! No wonder Jeff Gordon hates her. He wants her off the road and permanently banned from everything. Danica hit a crewman from another team with her car in pit lane behind her to qualify on the second row of the grid for the Indianapolis 500 on Saturday. She hit Chuck Buckman with her car and sent him flipping over her car and onto his face. Buckman, who was hospitalized with a concussion and cuts to his face. Danica was quoting saying,

"I guess I'm just a big klutz!"

Incidents like this were just absolutely bound to happen. The number of men in the world surprised by this incident? That would be zero.

> Friday May 9th 2008 < ""Shut up, god damn it!" will return after these messages!"

This will probably be the 2nd and last ever blog post about the Kentucky Derby, whom I do not give a shit about. Immediately after the winner Big Brown won, 2nd place finisher Eight Belles buckled down, broke both front ankles and was euthanized. People are blaming because it's a synthetic track that's harder, the horses are too young to be racing and should be racing on dirt, blah blah blah blah. But we're missing the most important thing: horseburgers for dinner tonight!! Mmmmm!! tasty, juicy greasy horseburgers! Fire up the grill, 'cause it's horseburgers time! We don't need no new Ding Dong King Kong Zing Zong Burger from Ding Dong Burgers! It doesn't matter that they're so fucking big it's great, we're having horseburgers tonight! Mmmmm!! Grill that horse! It'll give you the trots, literally! Wonder if horseburgers are going to be a "stable" at the dinner table!

I read some comments about how some people think horse racing is inhumane and it's all done for profit and greed. The fact of the matter is, all the comments were made by women, who think horses are beautiful. Actually I find horses to be quite ugly and hideous. They got that big long face, they're always pooping and peeing. Women seem to be drawn to horses, probably due to the size of the horse's penis. I wonder what goes on in those horse stables, it's always so dark in those.

Okay! So it looks like they're still installing more synthetic horse tracks, so that means more horseburgers!!! You won't hear any "whining" from the kids at the dinner table once horseburgers become a "stable" at your dinner table! They'll be "trotting" out of their chairs for seconds on horseburgers! Whip your family's taste buds into shape with horseburgers! Horseburgers, YUM!!!!!

> Saturday May 10th 2008 < "Charles in charge, of our wrongs, and our fights."

This must be talked about. Greg Maddux finally won game number 350 tonight in San Diego against the Rockies. Greg Maddux is currently #9 all-time in wins, trailing asshole Clemens by 4 wins for #8. This is significant because we will never, ever ever see this again in baseball. Apparently Maddux refuses to discuss any of his pitching techniques (unless it's pinetar and a LOT of it) so hopefully soon after he retires, we'll have a nice book to read about him. Apparently Randy Johnson has 286 wins, which I had no idea he was that close. That big fucking freak.

A lot of things have changed since Maddux started pitching. 4 new teams, a much smaller strikezone, massive steroids use, 19 new stadiums most are a lot smaller, a bunch of asshole umpires and a juiced up ball with no seams. He is truly a marvel. He is one of the best of the best of my generation. Tony Gywnn and Cal Ripkin Jr. being the other ones.

> Sunday May 11th 2008 < "one toilet."

Grandma Betsy's Biscuit Powder: "I don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth!"

> Monday May 12th 2008 < "What's the matter...you afraid to give a REAL weekend newscast?? Fucking softball shit!"

A special blog post is coming. Nope, it's not this one, and it's not going to be tomorrow, either. But it is coming. As soon as our graphics department gets their shit out of their ass, the entry will be made. But for now, we'll talk about a baseball rarity that's only happened 13 times in the history of the game.

Asdrubal Cabrera, the Cleveland Indians young infielder, completed an unassisted triple play in Game 2 of a Toronto Blue Jays / Cleveland Indians doubleheader, which the Indians lost 3-0.

"With Toronto�s Kevin Mench and Marco Scutaro on first and second after opening the Blue Jays� fifth inning with singles, Cleveland left-hander Cliff Lee went to work against Lyle Overbay.

With the Blue Jays mired in a 27-inning scoreless streak at that point, manager John Gibbons called for a hit-and-run. Mench and Scutaro took off on a 1-0 pitch. Overbay broke his bat in hitting a line drive towards the second-base bag. Cabrera lunged to his right to make the catch, then got to his feet to step on second and tag Scutaro.

In the Cleveland broadcast booth, former Indians outfielder Rick Manning called, "Triple play, triple play," before the ball even got to Cabrera. Indians infielder Jamey Carroll witnessed two on the highest level in 13 months. He was Colorado�s second baseman on April 29, 2007, when Rockies shortstop Troy Tulowitzki turned the rarest feat in the game against the Atlanta Braves."

A rare baseball feat. In perspective, there's only been 15 perfect games. And Joe Crede still sucks.

> Tuesday May 13th 2008 < "Baseball bat killed the porno star"

This entry will be dedicated to Day 7 of Hell's Kitchen!

This episode god damn sucked! This show is getting annoying! More later.

> Wednesday May 14th 2008 < "Real simple...even for YOU."

Nope. This isn't the special entry either. But I will tell you this:

chain letters was a retro-esque devious idea schemed by the Post Office to encourage wasteful spending of postage stamps and in conjunction with the Envelopes & Paper companies. What brings this up? This reminded me of something I saw on "Eight is Enough", where Nicholas got a chain letter in the mail, and Joanie made a chili so bad that it ruptured Tommy's spleen so bad he needed surgery. The two are not related. Tommy survives, only to put up with the feminism bullshit that was going on in his high school in 1979, only to be fucked in the ass by a female-dominated student government whose chose a weak disco girl band over Tommy's rock band for school prom. Tommy further got fucked in the ass when this potential girlfriend of his decided she didn't want to go out with Tommy because she tried out for the boys basketball team and needed practice. In retaliation towards the Women's Movement in the rough times for males in 1979 whom had everything they had and loved dear to them taken over by females, Tommy runs for Prom Queen and ends up as 3rd runner up. Don't tell that to Nicholas, tho to the dismay of old man Tom Bradford, Nicholas already wants to be a Prom Queen thanks to all the gender blurring going on. It was a hilarious abysmal episode at best.

Now where in the hell did Nicholas learn about this Prom Queen election results? By a TV news story done by their sister Joanie. Not only has Joanie once again "fucked her father in the ass!!!", but she damn near got the whole family arrested when she scared the living shit out of small-town Arkansas girl Janet, the big sister of Joanie's sister Susan's husband Merle, when Joanie was in theatre costume, dressed like a hooker & dancing to piano music with her sister Nancy & eventually Joanie's fellow actresses. Old man Bradford had a poker game going on in the living room with marked cards, Mary had a stuffed dummy to practice her doctor homework, which Janet thought was a dead body by the way Tommy & his friend carried it into her bedroom, Nicholas was being a little weirdass shithead with a ventriloquists dummy, and David almost got arrested for "soliciting his two sisters". Unfortunately the police were too understanding and no tear gas was shed. All I have to say, it was god damned hilarious. Of course, old man Tom Bradford is always irked towards Joanie, because she has the same name as her dead mother / his dead wife. "JOANIE!!!!!!!"

> Thursday May 15th 2008 < "Hap�pen a banana?!"

Nope. This isn't the special entry either. But I did come up with this idea for a sitcom. And yes, I know the caption wouldn't appear like that on the screen. And I did try to make the character as crude as possible. Tho I still think it could be more crude.

> Saturday May 17th 2008 < "Beanballers Baseball: "That's the shit!" "

I was watching another episode of "Eight is Enough" last night. Something sure still didn't seem right.

-o-

Dick Van Patten / Tom Bradford: "Remember what I told you, Nicholas?"

Adam Rich / Nicholas / child #8: "I sure do, dad!" **walks from old man's study to front door** "Hey! What happened to my dope???"

Dick Van Patten: "Nicholas, I TOLD you that once you smoke that dope, it's GONE forever!"

Nicholas: "Oh yeah. Thanks, Dad!" **bumps into Mary** "Mary, have you seen my dope??"

Dick Van Patten annoyed: "Oh for christ sakes!!"

Nancy / daughter # 4 / child # 5 shouting from another room: "Hey dad, have you seen my record player?!?!?!"

Dick Van Patten: "Noooo..."

Nancy shouting: "How about my typewriter?!?!"

Dick Van Patten: "Noooo...."

Nancy shouting: "How about my 8-track tapes?!?!?!"

Dick Van Patten now getting annoyed: "NO!"

Nancy shouting: "How about my can of leaded gasoline?!?!?!!"

Dick Van Patten: "NO, GOD DAMN IT, NANCY!!!!"

Dick Van Patten: "Well, I might as well go and start on dinner." **walks to kitchen and begins preparing**

Abby / #2 wife bumps into Dick Van Patten in kitchen: "Tom, what are you doing?"

Dick Van Patten: "I'm making dinner for the dog and dog food for our dinner! See how it's interchangeable???"

Abby: "Not at all...."

Dick Van Patten: "See, I figure we'd cut down on our heavy load shopping time by mixing the both! I invented an idea that's going to make me millions! Hahahahaha!"

Abby: "What's that you're making right now?"

Dick Van Patten very excited: "It's the dog's dessert! Chopped up chocolate, grapes and onions!"

Abby: "Good luck with that."

Dick Van Patten looking in fridge: "Abby, I can't seem to find the pickles! I want to make a bread and pickle sandwich!"

Abby: "We can't afford pickles anymore, Tom."

Dick Van Patten: "Well why in the hell not??!"

Abby: "Oh I don't know, something about our daughters constantly moving back home and bringing their husbands with them." **some loud distorted noise pollution coming from the garage**

Dick Van Patten: "What the HELL is that???" **runs to garage**

While Tommy / child #7 / son # 2 is practicing rock music with his band while singing in a high voice: "YOU AIN'T GONNA FOOL MEEEEEE, YOU DOPE FEED-ER! YOU DOPE FEED-ER! YOU PUBBBBBBLIC SCHOOOOOL TEEEEEEACH-ERRRRRRR! Ohhhhhhh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah......"

Dick Van Patten: "Tommy! Cut off that racket this instant!"

Tommy: "But dad, we need to practice for the band contest that we entered! And our band's name is 'Peppermint & Piss!' "

Dick Van Patten: "Tommy, I don't have time for this, I ..."

Abby shouting from kitchen: "TOMMMMMM! GET IN HERE!" **Dick Van Patten runs back to kitchen**

Dick Van Patten: "Ohhhh look, the dog is doing a trick! He's lying stiff on his back with his legs straight up in the air!"

Abby: "No Tom, the dog is dead."

Dick Van Patten: "Well how in the hell did THAT happen?? Come on, he's not dead!" **kicks it with his foot & watches it skid across the floor** **gets puzzled look on face**

Joanie / child #3 / daughter #2 bumps into Dick Van Patten in the kitchen: "Um dad... we might have some problems..."

Dick Van Patten: "Oh?"

Joanie: "Well I kinda, KINDA crashed the car. Well, after I broke the steering wheel, I kind of ran over some kids...it was the Mayor's kids who were playing on the sidewalk, and well... I kinda hit some more old ladies and numerous cars along the way, and *may* have done a bunch of property damage with your car... until I accidentally hit the undercover cop who arrested Nicholas whom was buying dope from."

Police officer standing in living room: "Mr. Bradford, are you the owner of this car? We have an outstanding warrant for the arrest of the owner of this car. You are under arrest, Mr. Bradford" **begins putting the shackles on Tom Bradford**

Dick Van Patten now pissed: "JOANIE!!!! This is what happens when you FUCK your FATHER in the ASS!!!!!!!!!!" **now is getting impatient and resists officer while being led to the police car** "Come ON!! I got human dog food to make! My "idea" !!! Unhand me officer right now!! This is crazy! I got millions and millions of dollars to make! JOANIE!!!!!!"

Police man: "Alright that's it." **smashes Dick Van Patten in the head with a baton until he's unconscious** **drags Dick Van Patten's body into the police car**

Abby to Joanie whom both are standing in the front doorway: "Joanie, you do know your father is going to kill you."

Joanie: **sadly sighs** "I know. In 60 to 75 years." **sadly deeply sighs**

**fade to black**

> Friday May 16th 2008 < "Manager: "Alright now I gotta go make up some bullshit excuses towards the Press.""

Wrong again, this is still not the special entry. And neither is tomorrow's. It's not really a special etnry per se, it's more like a presentation than anything. And on an unrelated note, it is a sad day in the world when cheater juice fails you. After the tennis outing I had, I wanted to melt my raquet. God damn it. Shit. Fuck. Ass! Shit! Mother....COCK! Fuck! Fucking fuck-fuck!

> Sunday May 18th 2008 < "I'm not wearing a cowboy hat, it makes me look like a jackass."

Man: "Everybody wants some, I want some, too. Everybody wants some, baby how about you? "

Woman: "Nope."

> Tuesday May 20th 2008 < "Hollywood killed the video star"

This entry will be dedicated to Day 8 of Hell's Kitchen.

This episode wasn't as bad as the previous two, but still everyone sucks. More to come later. Day 8: Rosann gets kicked off for sucking. FUCKING SHUT IT DOWN.

> Monday May 19th 2008 < "Rocket Fuel Malt Liquor: DAMNNNNNNNNNNN!"

The April 2008 edition of the Untitled Daily Column Project is now archived. Its link can be found by clicking on the brown ball with the white arrow pointing to the right.

> Wednesday May 21st 2008 < "Non-stop talker, what a pill-popper, blue eyed murder in a size 5 dress!"

I thought this name sounded familiar. I was going to add another member to the Untitled Daily Column Project team, who was going to be a friend of Dolph Rudager, who went by the name of Dirk Richter. Apparently that's actually a very common name, and was in The Simpsons, the name of the actor who played Radioactive Man, their parody spoof of Batman. Well, so much for that shit.

> Thursday May 22nd 2008 < "Coach: "It doesn't matter if it was Shitface, or Cocker, or Fucker, or Asshole, or Fuckhead, we were gonna lose.""

On the television set:

student in class: "You don't fool me with your lies, you dope dealer!'

teacher: "I am your teacher!!!"

student: "Shut up, god damn it!!!!!"

soothing voice-over: " 'Shut up, god damn it!' will return after these messages.

Commercial plays on the television set::

wife entering the family room: "Dear, our son got kicked out of school for excessively swearing towards his teacher and principal."

annoyed husband watching TV in family room: "I'm TRYING to watch the game! Shut up,
god damn it!"

soothing voice-over: " 'Shut up, god damn it!' Tuesdays on ABC!"

> Friday May 23rd 2008 < "Hey! Get your head out of your Clavin!"

Winner! Tennis! 6-2, 6-3 over Timothy Bohus. I have to say, I played a lot better than I did last week, where Timothy kicked my ass 4-6, 2-6. Tho for the first 12 games, it felt a lot closer / more evenly matched than the numbers eventually would show. I just had zero confidence in my shots; my backhand was horribly rusty (and it still is, but slowly, the rust is grinding away) and my forehand was incredibly weak, but that was due to poor gripping, and absolutely horrible positioning, and it was like I was always out of position or a half or full step behind. But today worked a lot better, the legs seemed to respond and the quick reflexes have started showing up again. Serving on the left side of the court was something awesome for me. I have never hit balls that hard, that fast or that unreturnable like that. And it didn't matter if the wind was in my face or to my back.

I have added a new weapon to my tennis game, and it's the two-handed backhand. Basically my baseball bat swing, I just absolutely crush the shit out of the ball, and I was actually worried that I was going to break the strings on my racquet. I think I'm going to have to get new balls, the felt is wearing off on these, and it's making the ball bounce really fast. But with every shot, it can't all be about power. Baseball, you have your slider, your fastball, your curve, your change up. I basically have my four swings. They can't all be power smashes, and I've seen the pros lob one up high in the air so they could reposition themselves.

Surprisingly, the past two outings, I haven't been sore afterwards the next few days (tho stiff in places) which is a good sign that I'm not completely and totally out of shape. Aiding me in today's tennis outing, was a lunch of a cup of Panera Bread New England clam chowder (good salty tasty soup for the muscles) a piece of multigrain bread, some water, and of course, some Cheater Juice, which was a homemade sports drink, consisting of 1/2 cup of hot water, 1/4 teaspoon salt, 1/4 cup of sugar mixed together to dissolve, then 3 1/2 cups of cold water, and 2 tables spoons of freshly squeezed lemon juice. I have to say, it did taste like Gatorade / lemon water, and it wasn't sweet or weak. I'm going to experiment with other flavors, like orange, which requires twice the amount of juice, and I'll probably have to add even more juice when I start farting around with grapes and cherries and berries. Those juices are double-strained so there's no pulp or seeds to choke on. Bring on the Cheater Juice!