May 2006 - Untitled Daily Column Project

<| Monday May 1st, 2006 |> 'me me me me me me me me me me me..."

And when the hell did the Cincinnati Reds get the best record in baseball??? I don't think that's happened in at least since 1990 in a point in a season.

And how about those stupid-ass new batting helmets, with all the "wind vents" and cut-out holes in them. I hope the stupid Cubs players enjoyed during both Cubs rainy games of water leaking on their head while they bat.

And speaking of that Saturday game, the cry-baby players were whining that the pitching mound / batters box dirt was "too wet" and they had to put down some more absorbing "dirt", which of course, would just make the area much worse. How they've played this game for over 135 years, I'll never know. I'm sure they had the sense back in the old days to just stop playing once the field got wet.

Pretty dumb to keep playing on a soggy field with a steady rain all day. Even more dumb for the fans to keep sitting there & watching instead of calling the game. And the Cubs got kicked in their cunts this weekend.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Tuesday May 2nd, 2006 |> "we can't score, we can't love, all we do is lose every football game"

I was watching an old episode of "Eight Is Enough" from the late 1970s. Something just didn't seem quite right about it.

Dad Dick Van Patten running throughout the house, randomly bumping into family members.

Dick Van Patten: "Remember, Nicholas, the most important thing to remember, is that once you smoke that dope, it's GONE forever!"

Adam Rich: "Thanks, dad!"

Dick Van Patten: **bumps into Tommy**

Tommy / Son # 2: "Hey dad! Have you seen the green & side wood paneling station wagon? I need to get some new guitar strings for my Christian Cocaine English Boots Revival band!"

Dick Van Patten: "Tommy, I don't know what an English..**stutters confusingly** Christian Cocaine Boot is! I gotta go do something!!"

Dick Van Patten: **walks away & then stops** "Wait a minute! I forgot what I was doing!"

**extremely loud and unnecessary excess use of ambient noise coming from the kids in the background**

Dick Van Patten: **bumps into wife** "Why the HELL do we have 8 kids??? Abby, how old is David?"

Abby: "27."

Dick Van Patten: "And how old am I??"

Abby: "40."

Dick Van Patten: "How the hell did that happen???"

**walks into the den where 6 teens are sitting & socializing**

Dick Van Patten: "What are you kids doing home on a school day?!!"

Daughter # 3: "We're suspended from school."

Daughter # 5: "We're Bradfords, that's what we do."

Daughter # 7: "We do stupid shit but aren't cool or savvy enough to get away with it, since we're a bunch of nerdy dorks."

Adam Rich / Son # 3: "You guys are lame!"

Daughter # 4: "What are YOU doing home on a work day???"

Dick Van Patten: "I don't KNOW!!"

Daughter # 3: "I need money for a new record player."

Dick Van Patten: "Not NOW! It's time for our bread & pickle sandwich for dinner. Wait a minute, what was I supposed to be doing?? I'm so confused! Nicholas, what grade are you in? The 2nd? The 3rd?"

Adam Rich / Son # 3 / Nicholas: "9th."

Dick Van Patten: **pleads** "Why the HELL did we have all these damn kids??? Why didn't I get a vasectomy??" **bumps into wife**

Abby: "You had one 15 years ago."

Dick Van Patten: "What??!"

**doorbell rings** Dick opens the door.

Policeman: "Excuse me Sir, are you Mr. Johnson?"

Dick Van Patten: **shrugs arms** "oh I don't know!!"

Policeman: "what?"

Dick Van Patten: "Hey! I'll give you a bread & pickle sandwich if you would turn on that firearm at my head."

Policeman: "what the hell? Sir, you're going to have to start making more sense."

Dick Van Patten: "Please, I don't have time for this!" **slams the door**

Daughter # 5: "Dadddddddd Nancy's running around with razor-sharp scissors again!"

Dick Van Patten:**shouts** "Nancy, how old are you??!"

Nancy: **shouts from other room** "26!"

Dick Van Patten: "You should know better!!!"

Nancy: **shouts from other room** "Hey can I cut your hair??"

Dick Van Patten: "NO! I am VERY busy! I have some things to do!"

Adam Rich / Son # 3 / Nicholas: "Hey, where'd my dope go??"

Dick Van Patten: "Nicholas, I...." **bumps into wife** "Abby, what are YOU doing home on a teaching day??"

Abby: "I don't like teaching at that high school. There's too many boys with knives walking around & threatening me."

Dick Van Patten: "Well I'm sorry, but I just don't have time for that right now! I have to get going to some place!" **finally walks out front door & towards the driveway**

Dick Van Patten: "oh where the HELL is my car?!?!" **violently shrugs & flails arms**

**fade out to commercial**

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Wednesday May 3rd, 2006 |> "You idiot! You put fliers on cars in a dealership!"

Oh boy an airplane blows out a tire landing on the runway and they make a big stink about it on the news. That's not news. Oh boy, a van crashed into a building. That's not news. Oh boy, stock market info. And only nobody gives a shit. You know what the news would be like if I was in charge?

Anchor: "Until Saturday, Jewel has a 30-can case of Miller High Life on sale for $10.99. Last night for dinner I had the Wendy's spicy chicken sandwich for $2.99 and it was good. Meijer has a sale on Mobil motor oil. Gas is $2.80 at the Speedway in Elgin."

Anchor: "Politics suck and are boring. Go watch CNN if you give a shit. I have a taste for Chinese food. I'm probably going to play tennis this weekend."

Anchor: "Some black people burned down a house, but nobody cares. Fires are boring. I hope nobody goes to see that stupid new Tom Cruise movie 'cause he's a lunatic. Alright, we're going to commercial break. When we come back, we'll check in with our chef with some recipes, followed by our :30 second weather report followed by our 12 minutes sports report."

My station, would be like a morning show, but without all the stupid smiling, the traffic reports, or the constant weather reports, or the pointless fluff stories that pollute our news shows. They wouldn't do stupid shit like report a hurricane by standing in the middle of it or do interviews with victims or senile old people. Yeah, and my anchor people would be angry too, sometimes. I can't stand these idiot newscasters always smiling and paling around when they make their lame jokes & laugh with each other. I find myself literally saying to the tv, "oh go fuck yourselves, you bunch of phonies!" you know, when they make their lame jokes & laugh with each other. Give us actual news we can use, like sales or events or places with good food, and not stupid boring world news or graphic violent images or people doing drugs or boring us all the ugly, ugly people and their petty problems. We don't care, we don't want to know, and it does nothing for us. My station would actually benefit the community economically, instead of spreading misery to everyone.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Friday May 5th, 2006 |> "Dissatisfaction is our Customer Service promise!"

I had a cool dream the other night. I dreamt I was playing basketball on the Chicago Bulls. I dreamt I was actually in uniform, running up and down the court, shooting the ball, passing the ball, driving hard to the hoop & falling down, interacting with Kirk Hinrich & Tyson Chandler, while they both looked totally realistic. Everything seemed real, the lighting, the colors, the crowd, the court. It was pretty damn cool. The only bad thing was that I felt like I was really running hard, which was wearing me out while I was sleeping. And apparently I kicked ass on the team, tho apparently we were only winning 49-29 at the end of the 3rd quarter, so I guess we sucked ass but didn't know it. Oh well.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Thursday May 4th, 2006 |> "The question I get asked the most is "What are you doing?!?!""

Steak n' Shake commercial.

Steak n' Shake griller: "Yeah uh, I need some more grease for this steakburger. You got any grease?"

Steak n' Shake server: "I don't know. Check the cooking grease room. There should be another 50 gallon drum surrounding crate of 50 gallon cooking grease drums."

Steak n' Shake griller: "Ah, good idea."

Black screen. Voice-over: "Steakburgers." **grill sizzle sound**

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Saturday May 6th, 2006 |> "man, Peggy Hill sucks ass."

Steak n' Shake commercial.

Steak n' Shake griller: "Yeah uh, I have a problem. This burger won't hold anymore grease."

Steak n' Shake server: "You're kidding."

Steak n' Shake griller: "No, I'm not. I keep pressing more cooking grease into it, but it keeps spilling out & just won't absorb any more."

Steak n' Shake server: "Well that doesn't seem right. Poke some holes it so it'll hold more of the grease. "

Steak n' Shake griller: "Good idea."

Black screen. Voice-over: "Steakburgers." **grill sizzle sound**

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Sunday May 7th, 2006 |> "Apparently the Ramones like to eat at Burger King."

There's a few things I've learned recently.

Sports drinks can kill you, when used in excess.
Hacking phlegm up is great work on the stomach muscles.
Politicians shouldn't bother having blogs.
V-8 is the greatest non-soda / sports drink there is.
That newspapers deeply resent the blogging community, and constantly keep reminding us that "they" are the special & almighty source of news. And yet, more and more newspaper people are relying on random blogs & message boards for material.

This particular article, was about message board posts about what some random people thought of the 2nd second season of Desperate Housewives. And basically, it was all negative. "They're destroying Bree's character, it's not fun to watch all these terrible things happen (in this case, relapse), the whole Gabrielle is a bitch & baby fiasco, Susan is just completely worthless, Lynette is cartoonishly insane & isn't likeable anymore, the onetrick-pony new black neighbors, the writers don't know what to do with the show, way too much boring air-time, and Edie is downright bizarre"

Then there was debate (or more like fact-notes) on whether or not the show is becoming just too crazy, lame-ass dialect used, actors idling way too much, is lacking in seriousness, and piss-poor plots that go nowhere. Personally, I've grown bored with it, and have skipped it for at least the past 5 to 7 weeks, probably because Family Guy is a lot more fun.

Prediction: despite being the # 2 show in ratings, the 3rd / next season will make or break the show. It'll either be really good, or really awful. Unfortunately, it might take 2 or 3 awful seasons to get it off the air. Of course, they could always move it to Saturday or Monday night to kill it.

Here's some more predictions: Lynette's wife (oops, I mean husband!) will probably grab the kids & leave her, and she will probably not care for a while. They'll give Bree another addiction or do something corny like make her a politician, Andrew will still end up going to community college and explore his rebellion homosexuality. Susan will fall down another 34 times. Edie, who I call "fossil", will go psycho-bitch on her new husband & he'll have an affair with, who else....Susan. The black family will end up moving away because "they just got so bored with doing nothing in the town". Gabrielle will probably do some more illegal things.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Monday May 8th, 2006 |> "I'd go to an WNBA game just to laugh at them."

Blue Jay Way sucks. I think the Beatles song "Blue Jay Way" is a horrible joke of a song. It's just awful. George Harrison was obviously bored out of his mind. I hate the way it sounds so unorganized and stupid. I hate the stupid background chorus of a falsetto "don't be lonnnnng!", which is probably that ball-hog asshole Paul McCartney. I don't like how the lyrics basically don't go anywhere and make it seems he's fucked up out of his mind. I even hate Ringo's half-assed drumming which just sucks the life out of you. I hate the stupid vibrato distorted lyrics, and the stupid lame-ass lyrics themselves. And especially how it just drags out so long: "donnnnnnnnnn't youuuuuuuuuuuuu beeeeeeeeeeeeee lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnng, donnnnnnn't youuuuuuuuu beeeeeeeeee verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-yyyyyyyyyyyyyyy lonnnnnnnnnnnng....."

And I especially hate the stupid ending of the song, where George sings "don't be long" about 100 fucking times. This is psychedelic music at its absolute garbage point. I'm sure all the hippies were thrilled that "ask a policeman on the street / there's so many there to meet". And it's probably the Beatles song I can most perfectly sing. And I'm growing to hate it more each passing day.

And of course, here it is:

There's a fog upon L.A.
And my friends have lost their way
We'll be over soon they said
Now they've lost themselves instead

Please don't be long
Please don't you be very long
Please don't be long
Or I may be asleep

Well it only goes to show
And I told them where to go
Ask a policeman on the street
There's so many there to meet

Please don't be long
Please don't you be very long
Please don't be long
Or I may be asleep

Now it's past my bed I know (knoooooow)
And I'd really like to go (goooooooo)
Soon will be the break of day (daaaaaay)
Sitting here in Blue Jay Way (Waaaaaay)

Please don't be long
Please don't you be very long
Please don't be long
Or I may be asleep
Please don't be long
Please don't you be very long
Please don't be long
Please don't be long
Please don't you be very long
Please don't be long
Please don't be long
Please don't you be very long
Please don't be long
Don't be long
Don't be long
Don't be long
Don't be long
Don't be long
Don't be long
Don't be long (repeat 246 times)

<| Tuesday May 9th, 2006 |> "Dude just end the song! Nobody likes it!"

A man who loves playing the game of baseball
By D. Rudager
ASSOCIATED PRESS

When he was a small child in the process of being evaluated for public school, he refused to jump, skip or crawl. It's not that he couldn't, he just didn't want to. He thought it was none of their business & a waste of his time. A few years later, he had dreams of murdering his mother, but he just didn't have the brain capacity, but did have the resources. In the 3rd grade, he developed a hankering for throwing pencils in the classroom, pissing off an asshole of a teacher, and boycotting American History, which that year was dedicated to Native Indians history, or "Toke 'em People", as he called them. Then in Middle School, he grew an affinity to torturing & shooting animals. But then in high school, he became a born-again Christian, but quickly reverted back to the knife carrying den of Satan. Not to mention he broke every single High School baseball record in the nation, largely thanks to his rampant & relentless steroid use.

Make no amends about it, Tate Durant loves playing baseball.

"I make so much money, I could buy 20 lifetimes worth of drugs."

It's quite rare that an active Major League Baseball player would actually admit his recreational drug use, but he states,

"I could paint houses with baby's blood while shooting up heroin, and there isn't a fuckin' thing MLB can do about it, 'cause of the Union. Haha, they help keep fucktards like myself employed!"

Tate Durant was seen eating Cheese Nips in the dugout in a game against the Giants and was sipping which appeared to be Guinness beer.

"These Cheese Nips are making me thirsty!" he exclaimed.

While it's unusual that Tate eats cheese crackers during a game, it's the little things that make Tate so very-unusual.

He arrives to the ball park on a motorcycle with badly bald tires, no helmet or anything. He'll routinely catch fly balls, and if nobody is on base, then makes errant throws to the infield only for them to sail into the crowd. He has a long music playlist for when he approaches the batter's box, and almost all of the songs have drug or sex references in them. He'll intentionally swing so hard he'll let go of the bat. One time it landed in the upper deck. Or if its too hot or wet out, he'll throw a temper tantrum just to get ejected out of the game. Sometimes he'll have a wad of something in his mouth, and sometimes it's marijuana. But don't tell umpire Angel Hernandez that!

Tate states, "the secret to beating the drug tests, is to keep using the newest designer steroids, and to get that stuff that masks all the shit in your system." One time, Tate Durant took some tape, put a long piece horizontally all across his chest on his uniform, and two pieces horizontally right below each knee, and wrote with a black sharpie, "SEE UMPIRE? GET A CLUE. THIS IS THE STRIKE ZONE" over and over on the tape. He was ejected because Tate kept taunting the umpire even tho the umpire continued to warn him.

Tate: "Sometimes inbetween batters, I'll grab a fan's beer and chug it or chuck it, or if I see some nice lady, I'll make sexually lewd comments." And what if it's a long inning or if you're already ejected?

"Well I'll go into the crowd, grab some nice lady, and take her to the clubhouse, and I'll get to work on her, and spill my love juice all over her. Then if I have time, I'll go into the crowd and go downtown on all the ladies, you see what I'm saying?"

Um....okay. Besides the fact of this lewd behavior and Tate Durant admittedly confessing that even he doesn't know what he's on half the time, he was recently involved in a very heated & ugly brawl with opposing pitcher Carlos Zambrano, who Zambrano was having another hissy fit after leftfielder Matt Murton dropped yet another fly ball in left. Zambrano's pitches were all way outside, and Tate took it upon himself to mock Zambrano & his lack of composure, which led to confrontation. Zambrano baited, Tate charged the mound, only he didn't let go of the bat, and proceeded to smash the bat into Zambrano's face, elbows & knees.

"That was a fun day," Tate Durant recalls. "I spent the rest of the summer walking in the mean streets of Germany. Best vacation ever."

Make no mistake about it, Tate Durant loves to chuck things. Like every time the team visits Wrigley Field, he'll chuck a caught fly ball over the bleachers, with the intention of hitting a windshield or passing fan.

"Haha, one time in Philly, I threw the ball towards our dugout, and it skipped on the roof and it ricocheted and hit an old lady right in the face. And I like to break the bulbs in the scoreboards, too." But what about the constant fines?

"Haha, give me a break! You think $500 means that much to me?? I told you, I make so much money it's absurd. I could pay to feed all the 3rd World starving countries, but I'm not going to."

Although management & Bud Selig scorn his behavior, but Tate doesn't care 'cause all he needs to do is say the word "Union".

"It's like a free 'get out of jail card'," Tate Durant proudly touts.

The man loves the game of baseball & it shows.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Thursday May 11th, 2006 |> "it's a Ramones love song to pot."

I was tagged.

Four Things I know
1) I know that no matter how rich I become, I will still obsess about bills & savings.
2) I know how to beat profanity filters on given forums.
3) I know how to make excellent macaroni & cheese from scratch, pita & tortilla pizzas
4) I know that I will never eat McDonalds again because it's such garbage.

Four Things I Used To Know
1) I used to know the metric system & how much was in what.
2) I used to know all the names & numbers of White Sox players in teams, and the starters of almost every baseball team.
3) I used to know how to guess within 10 minutes of what the time was without using a clock
4) I used to know how to kick the living shit out of a football really far.

Four Things I Want To Know
1) I want to know if Nielsen Ratings are actually accurate of the TV watching. "Polar Bear Theory".
2) I want to know if I can go a whole lifetime without owning a cell phone.
3) I want to know if cell phones cause brain tumors or cancer.
4) I want to know if there's already a cure for cancer, and if cell phones were ever linked, & of the chaotic consequences of it & its market price.

Four Things I Don't Know and Don't Care About
1) What child birth is like.
2) If the NFL ever puts a team back in Los Angeles.
3) What they do to animals to make our food.
4) How cooked dough & melted cheese make such a delicious food.

<| Wednesday May 10th, 2006 |> "ass-hole...ass-hole.....ass-hole...why are you ass-holing me?"

I don't care what Jerry Seinfeld says. Cooking shows are fun to watch. It doesn't matter that we can't smell or taste the food. We like looking at food, we like thinking about food, and we like learning how to cook food. And besides, what do you think about Mr. Makes-Fairly-Obvious-Observations who considers a bowl of cereal a lunch AND dinner meal?

As for television chefs, I have no preference, as long as you're not really ugly or really annoying or are a nerd.

And as for the White Sox, I don't care if this knuckleball pitcher was 6-0 with a 0.68 ERA at Triple-A, he's gonna get knocked around in the big leagues, because the Angels have some boppers and have Vladimir Guerreo, one of the best hitters in baseball. There are no Vlad's in Triple-A.

And guess what happened? 2 perfect innings, 2 really bad innings. The ball was all out of the strikezone, the passed balls, the constant drops of catches & the ball bouncing off the fielder's gloves just made it so hard to sit through. Knuckleball pitchers, in this day & age, is stupid. Almost every game, they setup the big inning. I don't want any fucking knuckleballers on my team. It's a garbage pitch, and it belongs on a garbage team. The Angels were just teeing off on him.

And I think we're all sick of Sheryl Crow, too. You are irrelevant.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Friday May 12th, 2006 |> "train kept a rollin', I kept a dopin'"

This has to be the strangest weather pattern that I can remember.

There was a Low Pressure system northwest of Illinois, over in the Iowa / Minnesota area heading east / southeast. There was another Low Pressure system hanging around the Tennessee / Kentucky / Indiana area, inexplicably was heading northwest! Apparently the jet stream split, one going into Canada & the other south of Illinois. So eventually, both of these Low Pressure systems combined together on Wednesday or so, to create a mega Low Pressure, which produced heavy rains & strong winds, consistently of 25 mph, gusting to over 40mph to 70mph. So this gigantic system, which looks like a hurricane, is sitting on top of Minnesota, Iowa, Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Michigan & the great lakes, is spinning counterclockwise over and over, and even was moving west. Since there's no air flow from the jet stream to move this thing, it's just hovering over like a spaceship. And this fucker is gonna be hanging around until at least Tuesday, maybe even longer. So it's been nothing but solid cloudiness, followed by rain & and constant drizzle. At least it stopped being windy on Saturday and this storm is weakening a lot as it slowly moves east. But I have never seen a storm just sit in one place, and feed off itself like that.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Saturday May 13th, 2006 |> "deathtofarts06"

Wow, that was some fucked up umpiring. The Twins shouldn't have those runs. More bullshit in the world of White Sox & Twins baseball in Minnesota, in the bottom of the 5th, the Sox leading 4-0 and Vazquez pitching a gem, suddenly the umpires decide to fuck over the Sox. On a hit to the pitcher n' play to first, Konerko had his foot on the bag & tagged the runner out on a physical play, but the ump called him safe. Ozzie comes out to talk. It was 4-1 at this point, two baserunners and 1 out, would had been two outs.

Next two Twins single, two runs score and it's 4-3 Sox. Then on the next batter, the Twin short-swings on an inside pitch, goes around, it's strike 3, end of inning, and then ump claims the ball hit him & awarded him first. Ozzie comes screaming out of the dugout, Ozzie argues for a while and turns his back. Pitching coach Don Cooper was in the dugout, and got ejected because he simply said, "that was a swing," because it was a swing. Then Ozzie got really pissed off, stormed around the field for a good 6 minutes, tho Ozzie got ejected pretty early in the argument. Play resumed, and the Twins scored 2 more runs and it's 5-4 Twins. Having pissed off the umpires, the Sox really had no chance to win this game, and it ended up being a blowout.

And if I was Ozzie, after screaming my head off, I'd sit down on the ground near 1st base, look around, maybe yell some more, have someone from the dugout fetch me a Gatorade, sip it, waste some more time, total Ghandi style. I'd like to see what the umps would do.

Probably either eventually security would drag me off the field, in that case, I'd call the team in & forfeit the game. Just to piss off the fans. No way would I let them enjoy a 1-2 botched call benefit.

And that was fucking bullshit of Cooper getting tossed. These umpires are just fucking assholes who need their fucked up shithead's smacked with a fucking baseball bat. Teach those arrogant son of a bitches a thing or two.

Oh how I hate the Sox playing in Minnesota.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Sunday May 14th, 2006 |> "Death, death, death! I got some death for you!"

There is a reason why they telecast so many baseball games, because anything can happen.

I have never seen this before. A batter ends an at-bat with 2 RBI's but with a strikeout. Top of Padres 6th, bases loaded for Pads, Scott Williamson throws consecutive wild pitches inside on lefty Adri�n Gonz�lez that hit the dirt both times.

Good karma, tho. Giles was wrongfully called out in the 4th for "leaving too early from 3rd base" on a pop fly, which would have given the Padres a 1-0 lead. It also ended the inning. Replays shows he did not leave early.

12 of 13.

Looking at Dusty's postgame comments, for someone who's lost 12 of 13, he doesn't seem very angry. And he doesn't seem to have any answers or bare any intelligence. Maybe the Cubs should get a manger who actually has a pulse, and cares more about baseball than being so grateful for his own life. You can see he's acting, and he really doesn't care about losing. For the first time ever in the Cubs 130 years of existence, they have lost every game in a season series, 7-0, lost all their games to the Padres this year. That is pretty sorry-ass.

I predicted that if the Cubs lost on Sunday, somebody would be fired on Monday, an off day. Now who would it be? A hitting coach? The manager? Nope. The Tribune will do nothing, because then that would be admitting they made a mistake in hiring Dusty.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Monday May 15th, 2006 |>   "when Home Improvement jumped the shark: when Al had diarrhea"

The Purification Diet: an in-depth report

What is a purification diet? It's a diet that is aimed to cutting down on unhealthy foods, to purify the body from crappy food & its chemicals, to become skinny, and to promote an at least semi-monthly active lifestyle.   Discipline, is also a very important part of the purification diet. The purification diet strives on limiting choices, setting up rules & boundaries, moderation & cutting back, and instigating strict & relentless discipline. Low food bill costs are also a benefit of the purification diet. If you don't have discipline, then you don't have the guts to do a purification diet. Another important aspect, is to never, ever stuff yourself / overeat. When it comes to fast food, get it rarely & usually order as little as possible, and to never get fries or soda (unless it's necessary). Eating healthier is also another benefit of this.

Each person on a purification diet sets goals that fits their needs. But, a purification diet also has exceptions and some basic guidelines.

Meat. While most meat isn't banned, my ban includes all kinds of sausages & hot dogs. Also huge emphasis on lean meat, including cutting off all fat. Bacon is to be avoided as much as possible. Pepperoni, the grease is to be blotted off with a napkin or paper towel. Fried chicken with skin is to be avoided, especially that 3,000 calorie KFC bucket. But fried chicken without skin is allowed.

Dairy. Whole Milk is not preferred, nor to be consumed in large quantities if possible, because there has been a notion that milk is nothing more than liquid fat. Plus milk is a huge phlegm producer, and that's never good. Ice cream is banned. Butter is banned.

Bread. Bread is high in carbs. Bread & rolls are not to be consumed in excess or entirely.

Candy. It doesn't take a rocket science to tell you all candy is junk food. These stupid sugar sweets are all banned, and especially the high fat / high saturated fat of chocolate.   Chocolate is nothing more than lard.

Pastries. Gone are the days of apple pie and rubber fly. Gone are the days of clich� after-dinner cake & ice cream. Gone are the days of sitting down with a package of cookies and a cold gallon of milk. Donuts: banned. Nothing like a Dunkin Donuts commercial, acting like deep fried donuts are a part of a healthy & active lifestyle. Cookies too are banned.

Soda: no more than one can a day. Sugar drinks are also banned.

Peanut Butter: to be used sparsely. PB is very high in fat, but acceptable once in a while.

Fried foods: Onion rings are banned. French Fries are to be consumed as little as possible. Frozen baked or froze fried foods oven cooked are to be put on paper towels to absorb grease.

Snacks: which include chips & crackers, obviously to be consumed as little as possible.

The Blue Moon exceptions:

Bacon cheeseburger
Pastry made especially for me

These are rare exceptions. Things will be added to both lists, but this is a reminder for me.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Wednesday May 17th, 2006 |> "Hey asshole! I didn't open my window to listen to your lawn mower!"

I'll tell you how pissed off Cubs fans are: "An allegedly inebriated fan in right field threw a ball that barely missed hitting Jacque Jones before the 9th inning Tuesday, raising some red flags about the security problems in bleachers" They have NEVER thrown a ball at their own players (and this is a place where they throw the opponents homerun ball back on the field, for 2 decades). Jones said the ball "came whizzing past my head", nearly hitting him in the face. And of course, the Cubs didn't arrest this female fan who threw the ball, because she says, "I didn't do it to hit him".

Well then. I think we'd all say that to save our incriminating asses from getting banned or put in the slammer. Jones isn't having a good season, and is making the Cubs look like a fool for giving him a 3-year contract, and Cubs fans are extremely pissed at him. Do I blame them? Well, he does suck, and got a 3-year deal after only hitting .249 with 120 strikeouts, a deal that he didn't deserve.

And of course, the ever emotional-less Dusty Baker, thought the incident wasn't worth talking about it. Oh yeah, one of your players almost gets hits in the face with a ball, and that's not a concern?? You might as well put an Indian statue in the dugout.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Tuesday May 16th, 2006 |> "everything's gonna be all fine. swallow my fries, oh yeah..."

I love rules. I love structure. I love discipline. I like putting people in their place. I love structure. I fucking love it when shit doesn't work right or when shit breaks. I fucking love rules. We need rules. We crave rules. People need to be told what to do.

I like to taunt children. I have no problems mocking old people. I have no problem with arguing with people, or telling them to "sit the fuck down and shut up!". I have no problem with throwing rocks at motorcyclists. I have no problem with calling-out people as "lame". I have no problem with me cussing in public.

**breaks out in song** "The Marching Germans, they march all around the place, the Marching Germans, they march to punch you in the face! Constant policing, they shall fight and stomp and ridicule, march, march!"

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Thursday May 18th, 2006 |> "sit down! sit down you bitch! lose some weight!"

The ever-present prick teaser that is Kerry Wood made his 1st start in almost a year today. And naturally, he disappointed. 5 IP, 5 hits, 4 runs all earned, and gave up 3 homeruns. Yeah, that's worth a $13.5 million team-option for next year. He will probably end up a Yankee.

A wonderful thing happened in Houston Tuesday night. Astros pitcher Russ Springer decided to go after Bond's big and fat steroid bloated head. First pitch was a slider that went behind Bonds, prompting the asshole umpire to give warnings to Springer and Manager & overall asshole Phil Garner. The next pitcher was in the dirt, right near Bonds feet. Third pitch was inside that hit the handle of the bat but was caught as a strike, due to asshole Bonds crowding the plate. The pitches were getting faster and faster. 4th pitch was inside. Finally, after missing 4 times, he finally hits his target with a high & inside fastball, missing Bond's fat face by about 3 inches. Both Springer and Garner get ejected, and the Astros fans give Springer a standing ovation.

Gotta love it. I sure as hell wouldn't want to be the pitcher that gives up # 714 to a steroid using cheater. I'd bean his ass. No, his face. Right in the face. Give me a Major League contract, suit me up and I'll go right after him. What's Barroids going to do? Charge the mound with the bat in his hands? I'd totally sue him for assault, and it would make him look so damn bad! When he faces me, might as well give him a wet rolled up newspaper bat, 'cause it won't matter what he's holding.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Friday May 19th, 2006 |> "tv.com sucks."

Yeah, I remember that episode of "Home Improvement", when it "Jumped the Shark". It was when Al had the diarrhea. Al was totally struggling with it.

Tim: "Al, today we're going to do some squats on Tool Time!"

AL: "I don't THINK SO, Tim!!!"

Tim: "You look a little flush there, Al."

AL: **hands on head, looking down at floor, heavy breathing** "This diarrhea has taken over my life!!"

Tim: "At least it's not your mother."

AL: "My mother is DEAD."

Tim: "Yeah 'cause your diarrhea splattered all over the place!"

AL: **stomps right foot** "mfffffffffffffffffffffffffff!"

Tim to AL: "grunt grunt grunt!"

Tim to audience: "arf arf arf arf arf arf arf!"

Audience: **stomps feet** "arf arf arf arf arf arf arf!"

Tim: "I say we do some jumping jacks! C'mon, Al! One, two, three, four, yeah!"

AL: **runs off the stage**

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Saturday May 20th, 2006 |> "Led Zeppelin Crescent Roll"

Man, why the HELL does the NBA kept funding the WNBA??

Logically, it makes no sense whatsoever. Attendence has been declining across the board for the past 5 years. All but a few teams are operating in the red, and many teams have folded or moved. The NBA, still 10 years later is the only thing financially keeping this alive at all. This is just another vulgar plan by NBA Commissioner David Stern to shove the game of basketball down our throats.

Yeah, I'd go to an WNBA game, to LAUGH at them! Watching a league full of dykes and Amazonian women running around in baggy uniforms while trying to shoot the heavy ball, and often fail to connect, let alone put any arch on the ball. And oh ya, I bet a bunch of them are on steroids. And even after that, I probably would still pity them. It's such a poor product.

Even if you paid me, I don't know if I could put up with the WNBA. You'd pretty much would have to drive me there, carry me in a chariot to my front row seat, which would have its own fridge with its free beer and unlimited nachos, pizza, cheese crackers, cheese spread and a 30" flat screen TV with satellite hook-up & Tivo, and pay me $1,000 to do this, then MAYBE I MIGHT consider attending a WNBA game.

The WNBA is a charity case. The sport only hogs up & takes airtime and space from the real legitimate sports. Just please stop wasting our time, okay? Go away, and we'll all be a lot happier.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Sunday May 21st, 2006 |> "You kids get off my lawn!"

Well if you didn't hear, Barroids tied Babe Ruth yesterday. Sure, I'm no Babe Ruth fan and he benefited from an extremely short right field porch & an era of much fewer breaking pitches, but at least he wasn't an arrogant asshole who took steroids. At least it happened in Oakland, where they booed him for it. And the guy who caught the ball, he's going to get a LOT of money for it. Shame on that pitcher for thinking he could beat Bonds. You can't beat a science experiment like that! "Yeah, I think I'll throw one of my shitty and slow left-handed fastballs right down the middle of the plate to the asshole whose swinging for the fences every at-bat."

Man, Michael Barrett is a pussy. It's not AJ Pierzynski's fault he plowed right into your stupid ass, you were blocking the plate. Then AJ goes to get his batting helmet, then you suddenly decided you needed to hug him, and then sucker punch him. It's not my fault you're a stupid asshole. Fucker, home against San Diego, you screamed at Dave Roberts 'cause he stole 3rd base in a 3-0 game at the time. And yes it is your fault for your sorry-ass hitting, passed balls & your team sucking. You can apologize all you want, but it doesn't change that you're an asshole. Nice guy my ass. I'll tell you one thing: this isn't over. It doesn't change the fact that you're mentally unstable. I'm sure a lot of Cubs fans will bei writing the exact opposite of what I am. I am an asshole White Sox fan, and the Cubs fans will see AJ as the villain & will write that he deserved to get punched. I think you know damn well you would have slammed into Barrett, especially if you were a slow-footed catcher in a 0-0 game.

And I think people who like both the Cubs and the White Sox are very lame.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Monday May 22nd, 2006 |> "Forking Forge Above Tit"

God damn FUCKING Juan Uribe!!! 1 out, top of the 8th, 4-2 lead, easy groundball double play, out at 2nd, throw to first goes wide left. Run scores, keeps inning alive. Cubs tact on 4 runs. Ruined my day. I hope the Sox bench your stupid fucking ass. You're useless at the plate, and now you're fucking up the one thing you're paid to do and you can't do it?? You're not being paid to fuck up! Ass....bench....2 weeks!

This section was written before yesterday's absolute bullshit baseball game.

Early Sunday Morning: "Oh OH HAPPY day!!! After the season finale of Saturday Night Live, it was announced that annoying and unfunny head writer Tina Fey has left SNL!!!! Oh my god!! I've been waiting for this day for 6 years!!! I couldn't believe the reign of terror is finally over!!! I will never, ever have to anticipate seeing that face or hearing an unfunny joke on Weekend Update ever again. The quality in the overall show itself is going to skyrocket. I can't wait! Oh happy day!"

This section was written after yesterday's absolute bullshit baseball game.

Looking back at this SNL season, it did improve a lot over the last few seasons, and that's largely thanks to the fresh blood of Jason Sudeikis, Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig, and yes, even you, Andy Samberg, you hipster doofus. The new item this season was the addition of digital shorts, which are usually pretty stupid and are hit & miss. The thing that disappointed me about this season, was there were no "Bear City" shorts. SNL also finally got some old guests like Steve Martin and Tom Hanks to come back and host for the first time in ages. SNL finally wised up and stopped getting stupid lame trendy hosts but still threw in athletes & some horrible hosts. Perhaps in a future blog entry I will go into an in-depth report.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Wednesday May 24th, 2006 |> "Yeah she really sucks. She's perfect for you!"

The Cubs have hit rock bottom. They got swept by a team that was 11-31, just barely the 2nd worst record in all of baseball. Any other team, the manager would had been fired after this series. But not the Cubs, they would be admitting a mistake. The Cubs didn't even face Willis, who usually is outstanding but sucks this year. Cedeno botches a routine play at short to first, and it opens the floodgates. We even got to see mild-mannered Maddux take a baseball bat to the Gatorade cooler!

Speaking of pussy, Paul Sullivan, the Cubs writer for the Cubune, calls for a standing ovation for Barrett at Wrigley. That is so pathetic. I hope somebody sucker punches Paul Sullivan, see how he likes it. I'd love to do it, and I'd love to give myself a standing ovation! I don't think the Wrigley crowd is going to be too thrilled after a 1-5 road trip.

As for the Sox, doing awesome. Tho some storms in the area tonight, so better pack a poncho & a couple of 30-packs. It's gonna be a long game.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Tuesday May 23rd, 2006 |> "Yeah he really sucks. He's perfect for you!"

Yeah, I read this article about how the game of baseball has evolved. One particularly, how baseball didn't used to care about the rich, and it was for the everyday common man. Then some stupid asshole decided to be an asshole, wanted to be a free agent, a union got formed, and of course, the skyrocketing of salaries. So now the game cannot survive without the rich, and the common everyday man is irrelevant.

What the hell happened to the local newscasts in Chicago?? All of the suddenly, one day, like 3 stations got new newsrooms, with like, a huge new newsdesk complete with fucking glass & computer shit. New graphics, fucking huge flat-screen hi-def TVs that are like 6 feet wide, multiple flat-screens hanging vertically all over the studio. But the most annoying thing? Constant moving graphics behind the newscasters. Makes me nauseous.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Thursday May 25th, 2006 |> "fire that asshole, birthday bitch!"

Poor Bernie Mac. His show finally got canceled after Fox banished it to Friday nights, and came back from almost dying. It's just going to make him angrier!

Speaking of television, Fall of 2006 is going to look a lot different. A lot of shows got canceled, especially with the WB & UPN merging to form the CW. And of course, NBC has finally admitted what we all knew: their studio sitcoms are absolute fucking shit. NBC has given up making comedies, and is going towards the serious & boring drama shit. Not that I watch any of that boring shit, but I can somehow see every night as Law & Order night. Well NBC had a nice run in the 1980s & 1990s, but once Friends ended, then your 1990s sitcoms limping towards their death in the 2000s, and the awful Will & Grace. ABC is also going through a transition, they too have awful sitcoms which got canceled. They're going with 13 pilots, which is just insane. That is just too much shit.

<| Friday May 26th, 2006 |> "what, me pessimistic?? Fuck you!"

Ah Memorial Day weekend. What does it mean to me? Not a damn thing. All I can expect, it it'll be hotter than hell, gasoline will go up in price, and every asshole cop is going to be out there checking for drunks & speeders. What the HELL, man? What is so god damn important about catching speeders?? You make the speed limits so god damn low it takes forever to get anywhere! Don't you cops have anything else better to do, than care if I'm going 40 mph in a 35 zone?? Who CARES about speeding! Speeding gets us places! Just leave me the fuck alone and let me go! You know what? Fuck you. I will not travel this weekend, just to stick it up your ass. There. Your stupid asses got stuck on the road for nothing! I wish everyone would stay home this weekend.

You know, I really could use a second asshole. My asshole is fine, believe me. It does do its lion's share of the work. But man, I get tired of wiping it and using it every single day. I want to be a poop camel. Once a week pooping. Or maybe a second asshole. That would really speed things up. Dolph Rudager: the only man with two assholes.

This is Dolph Rudager....signing off.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Saturday May 27th, 2006 |>   "WNBA: it was like watching drunk midgets play basketball"

Pop 'n cock!

That will be the name of my diner. So what does "Pop 'n cock" mean? Is it a phallic symbol? Is it about a father and his penis? Is it soda and a bucket of deep fried rooster meat? Actually, it's a rooster who lives in a hole in the ground. Now how many roosters do you know that live in the ground? Not one. But this one does. He pops out of holes and screams out to you about specials, deals, coupon sheets and tells you to go eat at Pop 'n Cock.   It's like a groundhog & a rooster combined, but it's really just a rooster with groundhog tendencies. So basically, it's a popping cock.

The electronic sign outside the diner would move, also. Basically, it'll say "Pop" and have the 'n under it, then under that, some ground with a black hole it, and the rooster's head pops out and there's a cartoon caption bubble with "COCK!" on it, that's attached cleverly to its head.

It's also a retro diner, but not a 50s retro diner.   It'll be a 70s retro diner. Complete with ugly olive green countertops, orange tables & chairs, huge ball lighting, dark wood paneling walls, pennants from the 50s, 60s and 70s, and all the other crap they had in the 70s. And you'd be allowed to smoke in it, too! I mean, teenagers need a place to smoke, don't they??

Ah the menu. It'll be a generic grilled burger place with a variety of ones, including a Big Mac rip-off, but this one will actually have meat in it. I suppose I'll have all the other typical shit like curly fries, onion rings, chicken strips, homemade daily soups, subs, homemade mac n cheese with egg noodles, and all the other shit. It all comes from the same warehouse anyway. So for lunch, after school or for dinner, where are you gonna go?

"Pop 'n cock!"

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Tuesday May 30th, 2006 |> "THE START OF THE GAME IS BEING DELAYED DUE TO STUPID CEREMONIES"

It's time for another Fragment Tuesday entry.

"WNBA: You SUCK. You understand? You SUCK."
What inspires such a handsome man such as myself to literally bark at the television and say those words? Well I am going to tell you. It was like watching drunk midgets play basketball. They're all so short, they have like, no moves; can barely dribble the ball, there's no rough inside game. The tip-off tends to be botched and the ball heads for the sidelines. Ball control is horrible. Perhaps they should put handles on the balls to help assist the WNBA players. Or maybe sew some velcro on the ball and they can wear mittens.

The lead singer of "Jethro Tull" makes me laugh. Especially on the song "Hymn 43"

My latest favorite drink of the moment is Sprite with ice and a lemon wedge squeezed & sits in the drink. It's a tasty and cold carbonated version of lemonade. You don't even need that thick of a lemon wedge. Actually, I'm quite thrilled with this idea, because I re-created one of my all-time favorite sodas, the discontinued & early 90s fad soda Sunkist Sparkling Lemonade. The initial idea behind this experiment was to make Sprite have a little more lemon taste.

"How do you torture a bear?"
Tie it up & torture its young!

contestant from Deal, No Deal: "I want to walk out of here with as little money as possible."
Howie Mandel: "Okay then! Let's start playing!"

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Sunday May 28th, 2006 |>   "ewww his poop doesn't stick together well."

Only the Cubs could score 12 runs and still lose. Yeah, nice catch, Ramirez. Except your head isn't exactly the right way to catch a pop fly in the infield! This wonderful fielding of course led to a basehit to put the Braves ahead for good. Over 41,000 fans watched the Cubs give up a team record 8 home runs and lose in 11 innings. The question is, why the hell did 41,000 people show up in a 91 degree day?? Granted, about 25,000 of them left by the 8th inning, but still. 2nd sweep in a row. Cubs have lost 21 of their last 26 games.   I don't know how or why anyone could support these losers, and yet, they keep saying, inexplicably, that Dusty shouldn't be fired! Really?!! Nobody should support this team. They just shouldn't.

Cheater Barroids passed Babe Ruth today. As if this wasn't such a damn shame as it is, it was given up by the Rockies, who wore their sleeveless black alternate jerseys with the horribly ugly & thick grey striping on the sleeveless arm edges. It looks like something out of a bad 1970s futuristic space movie.

Yesterday, and apparently this has been going on in baseball, it seems every team has those stupid looking "cool flow" batting helmets. First the Angels, and now the Braves, on Saturday, catcher Brayan Pena stepped up to the plate against the Cubs with no hat decal on the batting helmet. I think it's gotten to the point there's too many god damn alternates in baseball, be it jersey, cap or batting helmet. The other day, in DC, it was red alternate jersey & cap day, with the interlocking white & gold "DC" jersey & cap, only one player didn't realize it, and wore the National's red pretzel W regular home cap. You know, this alternate shit didn't start until the White Sox introduced their Sunday black alternate jersey in 1991 that started this trend, which led to an explosion of alternate gear. But, this is nothing new in baseball. Teams have had alternate or special jerseys since the beginning. Tho it calmed down in the mid 80s to the early 90s before it really took off in 1994 to the obscene puking cow it is today.   There's only a few teams without alternate jerseys, and those are the Tigers, Phillies, Giants and Yankees. Throwback fact: The Cubs haven't had a Throw Back The Clock game since 1997 against the White Sox.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Monday May 29th, 2006 |> "8 children, 8 accidents. 8 is enough. That's some bad luck."

Sometimes I wonder how any baseball player got good. As demonstrated by both Chicago teams this season, apparently any called up Triple-A player absolutely sucks dick in the majors. Barring me backing this up with boring stats, names or facts, it seems nobody can pitch or hit; showing the overall sham of competition that is minor league baseball. Oh sure, Charlie Haegar, you can pitch 6-0, 0.68 ERA in Triple-A with your fancy dumbass knuckleball which nobody can hit in Triple-A because there are no other knuckleball pitchers!! Not to mention that most, if not all Triple-A batters are terrible hitters; otherwise they'd be in the big leagues. Yeah you go from facing crummy hitters to facing an Angels playoff team. Fraud exposed!

It's my assumption that the pitcher has the advantage in minor league ball until they reach the big leagues. And it is also my assumption that there is a lot of garbage players in the big leagues, hence why there's so few players competing for the MVP and even fewer for the Cy Young award. In essence, there is a lot of mediocre players and a lot of bad baseball being played everywhere. Don't you feel ripped off? I do. And how about Barroids passing Babe Ruth? Don't you feel cheated and ripped off? I sure do.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Wednesday May 31st, 2006 |> "The newest SNL sketch: "The Girl With No Dick.""

Big Mountain Fudgecake quotes:

When The Cake plays for the "Indian" loan shark:
Got to get money, for the things I wanna buy
Got to get money, so in a plane they'll let ya fly
Got to get money, or else I'm gonna die.

When John Redcorn plays his demo tape for Hank at Strickland:
I am the reaper, the collector of souls
I am the taker, and the snatcher of bones
Mothers cry
children die, alone

At Maria's Pasta and Pizza:
There's a hole in my pocket where my money should go
There's a hole in my heart where you used to go
there's a hole, and a hole, and a hole... big ol hole!

and don't forget Lucky's guitar solo in There's a Hole- "Whiddly diddly dee diddly dee diddly diddly diddly diddly diddly"

JOHN REDCORN: Let's open with "I Need Money." We can transition to "Gotta Get Money" and do a whole money medley.

JOHN REDCORN: There was that song I wrote about killing myself. I could re-write it so it's about personal hygeine.

JOHN REDCORN:
Wake up, I want to...wash myself,
Clean my wrists,
Scrub my brains out.

JOHN REDCORN:
There's a hole in the jar where the cookie should go,
There's a hole in the tank where the fishie should go,
There's a hole, and a hole, and a hole.

LUCKY: We're either ahead of our times or possibly way behind, stuck in some more classical time. But either way, us and our times aren't seeing eye to eye.

LUCKY: You look like I feel whenever I run over one of my dogs.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

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