May 2005 - Untitled Daily Column Project

-o- Monday May 9th, 2005 -o- Insult:Yeah, the Cubs are a good team.... for me to poop on!

wow..this column sure has gone to shit...I mean, just look at this feedback!!!

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"man, you've REALLY let your writing go." ~ comment on UDCP

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"Look at your column!!! Look at it!!!! Do you even proofread it?? Do you even think while you're writing?? Do you know what you're even doing??! " ~ disgruntled UDCP reader

My response: Well, it's very rarely proofread and well, I drift in and out.

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man, you're like Dave Barry without the enlarged prostate. ~ comment on UDCP

You know, I don't mind feedback, but man, that's hitting below the belt.

-o- Sunday May 1st, 2005 -o- "hello. i want to talk to you... about.. diarrhea.."

Wow.. Jon Garland has pitched back-to-back CG 4-hit shutouts and is 5-0 with a 1.38 ERA so far. And the Sox are still #1 in MLB as of May 1st, with a 18-7 record. Let's get fat on the Royals.

lol another rough outing for the Cubs pitching staff. Prior gave up 7 runs in the 5th inning on a grand slam & then a 3-run homer, all within the span of like 2 minutes. Cubs were up 3-1 at this point, then Prior completely fell apart.

Here's a bit I've been working on... it's not completely polished, but it's good enough.

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**commercial begins on television**

Voice-over: "Sometimes changing your name, your identity or address just isn't enough to get away from your identity and being. You are forever cursed with the horrible genetics you inherited thanks to your stupid mother and father. But now there's....

the DNA wiper!

You a self-loathing Jew? Noooo problem! **musical sound effect** **wipe** We'll take the "knish" out of Stavoknishski!

You a brotha' who found out he's 1/16th Cherokee? No problem! **musical sound effect** **wipe** You're pure now, nigga! Black power!

You ashamed of your Polish heritage and are tired of all the jokes? **musical sound effect** **wipe** Well open that screendoor on your submarine and you won't need 2 other people to help you screw in a light bulb anymore!

Or maybe you're just a regular person who wants no link to their crazy family whatsoever! **musical sound effect** **wipe** Say "goodbye" to dad's punching strangers on the street temper-urge and your mother's craziness-link! Say "goodbye" to all kinds of genes like:

diabetes
gout
alcoholism
twins & multi-children birth
baldness
fatness
stupidness
chocolate addiction
lactose intolerance
psychotic murderous urges
cancer

And many, many, many more!

The DNA Wiper is a specially designed machine which uses radiation waves to delete your genes and replace them with new ones! Please discuss with your doctor about the risks of this highly experimental and extremely dangerous & unproven & unapproved DNA Wiper.

Goodbye, so long and good riddance, bad inherited family genes! Being sane with new DNA never felt so good!"

Voice-over spoken softly & quickly: "Warning! Customers are still liable for certain disease brought on from over eating, movies, television and especially music, sports, beverage consumption and other stupid & poor life style decisions."

**fade out**

-o- Monday May 2nd, 2005 -o- "gonna poke you in the eye.... C.S.I..."

listening to Bob Brenly talk... the D'Backs won the '01 world series IN SPITE of Brenly managing. I swear, if I was a player, I would fart around him, and if he told me to sit down, I'd push him really hard into the wall and watch him fall on his ass and go, "I make 20 times what you make. you can't tell me what to do. I can have your ass fired like *that* (snaps fingers) ! The fans like *me* and they *hate* you!"

Then in the dugout, I'd occasionally intentionally ram my shoulder into him as I walked by, and during the press conferences after every game I'd be like, "Yeah, the reason why we lost today is because of Manager Brenly. He made a lot of bad moves and bad calls. And well, he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing out there. The team and the world is a stupider place after every game he manages."

-o- Tuesday May 3rd, 2005 -o- "why's the cops always be pullin' ME over??"

I guess $100 million dollars doesn't go far these days.

You know what's wrong with the Cubs? Their starting pitching. (tho for reader Mike, this is a review).

The problem is they're throwing too many pitches so early in the game. You should not be near
80-90-100 pitches by the 5th inning. The problem with Wood, Prior and Zambrano, is they're trying to strike out every batter, and that takes a lot of pitches to do that (3, if you're lucky). People would classify them as "power pitchers", and most power pitchers may get 8 to 12 strikeouts a game, but usually their ERA's are pretty high. So you strikeout people, so what? Nolan Ryan strike out like 5600 batters...yet he never won 20 games (which is terrible 'cause he pitched in 4-man rotations) or a Cy Young award.. and he spent half his career in pitching-galore parks (Shea; Astrodome) and he had a high ERA.

These 3 Cubs pitchers need to stop trying to hit all the corners and just serve up the damn ball and let the defense do the rest. That's why Mark Buehrle can throw a complete game in one hour and 39 minutes. He's not a strikeout pitcher; especially with like an 85mph fastball. And when your pitching staff is striking out 10 to 16 batters a game, the defense is just sitting on their hands doing nothing most of the game.

Of course, first things first:

Actually get some NON-Cubs employed doctors and find out what the hell is really wrong with Kerry Wood. Kerry Wood doesn't completely tell the truth about his injuries, and what he does admit, the Cubs trainers pick and choose what to tell to the public. Why? Because apparently, under-estimating injury disabled-list time is good publicity for the team. The media bends over and kisses the Cubs ass, "oh no! He's gonna miss another week or two! How could have this happened? Let's review! blah blah blah." Logically, the Cubs should shut him down for a long time, but they're trying to suck as much water out of that sponge as they possibly can.

And btw, that Wood 20-strike out game against Houston in 1998 was complete bullshit. I watched that game since I didn't have college classes that day. It was raining all day, it was dark and gloomy, and yet, they never stopped the game. Everything (including the batter's box) was soaked. The Houston batters were swinging on every single pitch while falling down; slipping, etc. About the only dry spot in the entire ball park was the pitcher's mound. It was a piss-poor decision to play the game in the condition the field was in and Houston just wanted the damn game to get over with as soon as possible so nobody would get injured.

Same thing with Prior. There's a lot of problems with this pitcher. Hype seems to be one of them. Bring him up to pitch in the majors at too young of an age is another. And there's something always wrong with his body **cough cough steroids!** so I'd shut him down and get him evaluated.

Zambrano. Jesus. First things first, get him to a shrink, a complete psychological evaluation and some prozac. Then I'd tell him not to throw so hard and change speeds. Maybe, just maybe he might not get ejected 5 more times this year. Patterson. He has no business hitting so high in the lineup. He should be hitting lower in the lineup; like around 6th or 7th, since he swings for power and strikes out so damn much.

Cubs schedule. Tradition or not, the thing that hurts the Cubs is their heavy Day home schedule. There's really no point to playing weekday games early in the afternoon, and it's especially stupid during the summer when its hotter than hell. The Cubs management knows this, but the only thing stopping them is their "beloved" neighborhood. Problems with night games is people are generally crazier at night; more drunker, traffic is much worse, fans are pissing on the streets, vandalism and are making a lot of noise. Local bars support night games too. But of course, there are rules.

And of course, the White Sox are 19-7, still # 1 in MLB, and yet, who gets all the headlines? Yep.. the Cubs...Prior and Wood or some Cubs shit. But you know what? If the Sox play .500 ball for the rest of the year, can you say.... "playoffs" ?

-o- Friday May 6th, 2005 -o- "Hello. My name is Chet Chit Chat."

Top 10 favorite things I like to do.

1. Throwing a baseball. For some reason, I find this the best to relieve stress / have fun. I like to throw balls, rocks, sticks, food, pencils, people... it's all good.
2. watch baseball. You say "boring", I say "too fast and action packed!"
3. listen to my crappy dinosaur bands. classy!
4. reading the comics in the newspaper. While there's barely anything worth reading in there anymore and the quality of comics at an all-time low, it's a tradition of mine since i was like 6 years old.
5. eating cheese. This should be very obvious.
6. waste time by going for walks and playing sports.
7. writing stupid shit like this & IMing people.
8. sleep. This would be ranked higher if I didn't have nightmares / fucking confusing dreams every night and it didn't take me so long to fall asleep.
9. watch TV. yeah
10a. showering. And no, not for perverted reasons. I never feel any fresher or cleaner than right after I've showered. I'd shower for an hour every day if the damn hot water didn't fucking run out.
10b. making avatars. Since I don't have a scanner / there's no need to draw much by hand anymore, it's all done on computers. Just like everything these days.
10c. drink cold beer.

-o- Thursday May 5th, 2005 -o- "They only put three cheeses in the crust??"

Top 10 things I somewhat like or dislike to do.

1. update the blog. a chore in itself but sometimes is very rewarding.
2. drying my hair after a shower. I'll admit.... I hate having wet hair and it drives me nuts.
3. farting. Sometimes it needs to be done...but it gets really annoying.
4. urinating / fecal waste management. There's a saying that a man spends a quarter of his life on the toilet, and it's very true. This is probably the biggest annoying part of my life. The war between being thirst and quench will never be resolved.
5. self hygiene. Yeah, it has to be done, but man, I get sick and tired of cleaning and detailing thy self.
6. waiting. They say nothing in life worthwhile ever came quickly, or some bullshit like that. While I love to eat food while i'm starving... i hate waiting for it. And of course, I hate waiting at red traffic lights, but I guess that makes us all appreciate the rare time we actually get a green light, eh?.... that's sick.
7. tipping. Why in the hell I have to do this... It's just about asshole owners who decide they're too god damn cheap to pay people decent money so they lend the burden on to the customer. Tho I suppose if I had strangers serving me my food, I wouldn't want them to half-ass it and sneeze / spit/ poison my food, either. Plus when i'm paying for a haircut or food, I don't want to have to pay another $2 to $8 dollars for my shit. But I don't mind it if they did a decent job / didn't annoy too much.
8. driving. I like driving..but only if there's no idiots on the road.
9. watching television. there is very little i enjoy watching on television ..but when it's good ..it's really good. But most of the time, it's all pure shit. But since I barely pay attention, it's all good.
10. stairs. it's a lot of work going up on them, but going down is a breeze, so I guess it all evens out!

-o- Wednesday May 4th, 2005 -o- "my 6th sense is cheapness."

Top 10 things I hate doing.

1. Paying bills / spending money.
2. driving in heavy traffic in the morning / rush hour.
3. getting a haircut. Sitting there for 15 minutes; watching them look at my weirdly shaped head;
making bogus small talk.
4. shopping. I really don't like doing this. That's why I buy in bulk so I don't have to go as often.
5. talking on the phone. I just don't like spending more than 2 minutes talking or hearing that damn phone ring.
6. putting my dishes / shit away before or after eating. I'll get to them later.
7. driving during freezing weather.
8. sneezing. You think maybe I could go one fucking day without sneezing?? Tho no one has witnessed me sneeze in 18 years, it has been heard, and it's a whole production. It's the reason why I always have to carry a napkin around. Let's just say it involves excess eye watering and phlegm management.
9. reading in long spurts. Most of the crap I read is news / sports and well, it's a huge stupid waste of time, and the more I read, the less I enjoy it. There's a happy medium between not enough and too much.
10. waiting for the comp to boot up / log-on to the intranet.

-o- Saturday May 7th, 2005 -o- "I gladly pay you tuesday for a hamburger today!"

Foods I'm allergic to / can't / won't eat.

Let's see, I'm not allergic to anything that I know of, tho for some reason:

1. I can't eat cooked carrots unless it's in soup and sliced really thin.
2. Alfredo. I'm not big on cream / butter soaked food / pasta.
3. Scallops, smelts and perch. I'll pretty much eat any seafood but these three.
4. Wine. PUKE! I don't understand why people love drinking / cooking with this extremely bitter
beverage.
5. Brussels sprouts ( who the hell likes that shit, anyway??)
6. Cheesy potatoes. I like them separately...but not together for some reason.
7. oh yeah... any fruit or fish in my pizza.
8. any sweet foods / fruit in dishes. I had this orange-based Chinese dish once, and I couldn't drink orange juice for almost 3 years because it was so sickeningly sweet.
9. Tofu. Do you really need a reason?
10. Tuna served warm. I love tuna salad served cold, but anything cooked with it..no.

Well that's ten, and that's enough.

-o- Tuesday May 10th, 2005 -o- "Sorry, I gotta go. Yeah, the boss is being a real catch you next Tuesday."

Real Talk Show.

**audience applauds**
Dolph: Alright, people. That's enough applauding. I'm your host Dolph Rudager and let's bring out our first guest. She's on that awful show with the big dumb fat-ass who likes the Jets who has no regard for his health whatsoever, shit-for-brain's Kevin James of "King of Queens". Now here is Leah Remini.

Dolph: "Hey."

Leah: " 'sup."

Dolph: "So how big of an ol' brat is your new kid, Leah? Real royal pain in the ass?"

Leah: "Ugh! I can't STAND this kid!"

Dolph: "I can't wait to get my nads chopped off."

Leah: "I'm like to this kid, 'what's your problem?!" **begins mocking** "I want milky! I want milky! I want this! I want that!"

Dolph: "Horrible."

Leah: "And I'm like, 'just go to sleep already'; god damn it."

Dolph: "yeah no shit."

Leah: "So, I'm like, 'go sit in the naughty corner!' And the fucking kid refuses!! And the lil shit goes running around the house and I had to chase the lil bastard around."

Dolph: "Kids have no respect for authority whatsoever these days."

Leah: "So I grab the kid, shake it up a bit until it finally gets the fuckin' hint. So I stuck that kid in the naughty corner for a good 5 hours while I went to the gym. I mean, do I have to tie the kid to a fucking chair??"

Dolph: "I'm not really big on the gym.. there's a lot of herpes and toe fungus lying around."

Leah: "I'm not either but this damn kid made my freakin' ass huge."

Dolph: **points** "That is one fat ass." **turns around and shouts to backstage** "Hey crew! We're gonna need a wider chair!!"

Leah: "Oh, and you can't reason with these kids at all, either, you know what I'm saying? I plead and I plead and I plead, I'm like, 'MUST you break everything I own??? Stop being a bad kid!' "

Dolph: "Mhmm." **nods**

Leah: "You know sometimes I just want to wrap my hands around his neck and wring it out like a dish rag! Haha!"

Dolph: "Haha! That's fucking cold!"

Leah: "yeah."

Dolph: "That reminds me of a story when I went to the supermarket the other day, and as I was walking towards the Liquor department, there was this mother with 2 young children and an infantile. Of course, the mother was too busy reading the National Inchoir while her kids were picking their nose and wiping it everywhere while they were opening & eating all the candy and gum off the rack while screaming and yelling. So I walked up and ripped the magazine out of her hands and smacked her & her kids around a bit with it.. and dumped some soda which I had in my hands on top of the mother's head while I yelled at the mother to get her tubes tied and I said 'she had the face of a Gastric Brooding Frog.' "

Leah: "Hey, how about this asshole, eh? Yeah!" **audience begins clapping**

Dolph: "We've been putting up with these people and their brats for far too long."

Leah: "Oh I hear that."

Dolph: "So how's the show doing?"

Leah: "Oh I don't know. The show has been on for so many god damn years... Every story has been re-written... names changed.... everything conflicts with all the older stuff; awe hell it's just a big mess."

Dolph: "You ever notice in a scene when there's no dialog, and it's just Kevin walking around and breathing really loudly?"

Leah: "I really try not to notice. I'm backstage and it's like a fucking city dump. Fucking wrappers, pizza boxes piled up; bacon grease everywhere, oh fucking God."

Dolph: "alright, my producer is screaming something about taking a commercial break or some shit. We're sponsored by some cocksuckers that make shit or something. I don't know. I hate this god damn network. We'll be right back."

**audience applauds**

**fade out into commercial**

END

-o- Sunday May 8th, 2005 -o- "Dolph Rudager's 735th Piece of Cheese."

Ah. good 'ol randomness.

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**thinks self while listening to DMB** "You know, Dave Matthews should write a song called "Somebody Broke My Bong". It would really fit quite well with his other songs."

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MEMO:

"Dear Boss: You're a fucking idiot." ~me

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Note to self: finish making poems of "I'm Waiting For My Van" and "Kickin' The Dog". Also finish the parody of EL&P's "Lucky Man".

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"The other day I saw a commercial on TV for Milwaukee's Best Light Beer. Now, this is without the worst beer I have ever had... and it's the most watered down thing since well... water. And I remember getting it for like $2.99 for a six pack. They must have spent their entire budget & profit of the year on showing that commercial that one time. I am not fucking kidding."

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"nothing beleches better than onions. .... 2nd best is maybe chicken or egg rolls."

-o-

MEMO:

"Dear boss: you suck." ~me

-o- Thursday May 12th, 2005 -o- "owwww, my mullet!"

Top 10 things I hate about body maintenance.

Jerry Seinfeld once joked that if cars were humans, we'd never want to own one. Or something.

So here's my list.

1. Phlegm. I don't know where it comes from, or why I always have so much of it. Whether it's coming from my nose or my throat, I get a little tired of having my breathing obstructed by it or choking on it after meals. And it never, ever completely goes away.

2. Gas. "A day without gas is a day in someone else's life." It doesn't matter what I eat, how much I eat, what I eat or if I eat at all: I'm still going to fart. I remember the 1000's of painful farts I held in during school to save myself from embarrassment. Eventually I'm probably going to have to pop Bean-o pills like Pez.

3. Facial hair. This really wasn't a problem until I was 24, which at that point I only had to shave once a week. Then it became every other day. Yeah, I admit it...I have botchy facial hair at best. And I still can't grow a mustache. Maybe it's the horrible genetic nightmare of me (bleach blonde peachfuzz mustache, thick curly dark red chin hair... extremely sparse brown beard hair). But I don't like facial hair. Especially goatees. I think it looks so 1997, hipster doofus stupid-looking. It's like a male hillbilly - jock - asshole prick-look rolled up into one. It's our generation's version of the mullet. So after like 4 years ago, I had finally given up all hope for any kind of respectable facial hair, so I decided to go clean shaven. And really, it's a huge pain in the ass. There are always at least 5 hairs I miss and it takes 10 minutes to do everyday. I'd be happy to going back to only shaving once every week or two.

4. Hair. Let me tell you, I need a haircut every 2 months... and it's a real pain in the ass. So I put it off. So what happens? My hair gets longer, thicker, more shampoo to wash and a real bitch to comb and dry. Why does hair have to grow so god damn fast? And why does hair stink so much after only one day & night?

5. Nails. Not so bad since I only have to trim them once every two weeks... once every month for toes.

6. Ear wax. Why in the hell this happens...I'll never know. But I've always had a lot of it. And if I don't clean it out every 3 to 5 days, it builds up...begins to itch and affect my hearing. I always laughed when I read "ears are mostly self-cleaning and require little maintenance." and said "bullshit." It's always a huge production: carefully getting the wax out, scraping off the dead skin around and in the ear, scrubbing behind the ear... and you have to do all of this twice! That's why my showers last 25 minutes sometimes.

7. Eye "sleep". Dunno the proper term of this, but every morning, I have to check for this...otherwise is sinks back into my eyes and blurs my vision all day. What I'd like to know is where in the hell is it coming from, and how does it miraculously migrate to the inside corner of the eyes?

I could go into much cruder, much more disgusting things but I won't.

-o- Wednesday May 11th, 2005 -o- "I'm gonna cut all of your funding."

I was going to insert here an amusing profane-linden commentary by someone on defending Hank Hill, but after I read the poster's other posts...I've nixed that idea.

COMMENTARY:

So instead, I'm going to talk to about how Chicago has banned the use of hand-held cell phones in cars / vehicles while driving around in the city. First offense is a $50 fine. What happens after that, I don't know; I'm lazy. But it's about time this has happened. Cell phone use is very dangerous while driving. People drop them, try to pick them up... people get lost in the convos and begin dazing around. But also, it's very annoying to listen to other people talk on their cell phone in a car. I don't think it's too much to ask to pull over or park in a lot and talk there instead. Of course, people will say this is Nazi Germany, but of course, we as people need laws like this since we're too stupid anymore to take care of ourselves or know common sense. They don't teach common sense in school, and that's too bad. We know if we drink too much soda, (and it's "soda"...fucking not "pop". Pop is either an old man or a sound...but not a food!) it'll rot our teeth and make us fat. But we do it anyway. So our solution? Inventing more soda brands and installing more soda machines everywhere. We know fast food is unhealthy for us, so what do we do? We build more of them and eat even more fattening food from it. What's the point I'm trying to make? Um... cell phones: bad... paying attention with fewer distractions while driving: good. Of course, I think we should ban all food, drinks, radios and CD players in cars, but that's another column.

-o- Friday May 13th, 2005 -o- "I got more poop than i know what to do with."

Inspired by a column done on road rage, I'm going to do my own version.

"Oh fuck.... I'm late. I hate being late. I can't run or start my car fast enough. I finally get to the street, but I have to check both ways twice to make sure nobody is coming. And I don't fucking believe in your 25 mile per hour speed limit. I will go 35, thank you very much. And all you stupid kids out there.....you better stay off of the road. The road isn't made for your stupid ass to stand around and play in with your chumps. I wouldn't mind hitting you with my car if it weren't for the threat of being sued. So stay the fuck out of my way.

Oh great. I want to turn right, but there's some stupid asshole in a mini-van coming, so now I have to wait. God damn it. **watches it go by** "Ohhhhhhh it's another stupid Soccer mom!" K, the limit is 40 mph, but since I'm in a hurry, I'm gonna go 47-48 mph. What the fuck?! C'mon! Move it! This stupid woman is going under the speed limit! C'mon! I'm gonna miss the light! **hits brakes while approaching intersection** alright, I missed the fucking green light, but I can still make a quick right to the highway while the on-coming traffic makes their left turns. Hey! Move up! I can't fit in! Move up, you stupid cunt! Move your god damn motherfucking ass! You act like you're the only one on the fucking road! Some of us have places to go, people to see! But you have no fucking awareness of people around or behind you. You just go at your own fucking merrily pace. Oh you don't give a damn! You're just a stupid smelly cunt! Move it! Gas pedal is on the right! Get off the fucking road!

I had to wait another 4 minutes for the light to turn so I could make my right turn on to the highway, and of course, people darting across the highway; taking close chances, causing me to slow down. Alright, I need to make a left turn, so here I go into the special left turning lane with its own special left arrow light. Alright.... only 2 cars in front of me....no problem to make this light. **looks around at the other light** Alright, it's turning yellow! Almost time for me to go! **watches the green arrow turn on**. What the fuck?! There's people on the other side still turning left! They're turning on red! They can't do that!! I have the green arrow! It's my turn! Oh come on the FUCK on! **counts** 3, 4, 5, 6 of those cocksuckers turned left on red! Fuck you all! **gives the middle finger** Oh no! My arrow has turned yellow! I'm gonna miss the arrow! **arrow turns red before crossing the white line** God damn motherfucker bullshit!! I can't believe this shit! What is wrong with you people?? You're not supposed to turn on red! Is it that fucking horrible that you can't sit there and wait?? You're screwing up the whole traffic flow! God damn it, fuck!"

End of story. You know, I wouldn't mind much if people weren't doing what ever the fuck they pleased while on the road & weren't going by their own set of rules. And well, it's getting worse everyday, and nothing seems to be deterring it.

-o- Saturday May 14th, 2005 -o- "I now mispronounce "fallopian tube" because of Ray Romano."

Things uttered while watching a Cubs game.

"C'mon Cubs pitcher! Give up a homerun!"

"Fall down! Throw it away! Drop it! Throw it into the stands! Shove it up your ass!"

"Balllllllllll four!"

"Haha Hawkins!"

"Don't break a hip, old man Maddux."

"HE GONE"

(for the other team) "Stretch!"

"Swinging on the first pitch, eh Patterson?"

"Worst manager in baseball. I think he's trying to get fired."

"trip and die!"

The Error Chant: "That's a funny looking out!"

The Error Chant (reprise) "Nice plaaaaaaaaay."

"Shut up, Bob Brenly. You're a dumbass."

" (endless profanity chant) "

and of course, finally...

"Cubs lose! Cubs lose! Cubs lose!" Happiness ensues.

-o- Monday May 16th, 2005 -o- "I was lost but now I'm just tired."

Well, without much fanfare, tonight was the series finale of "Everybody Loves Raymond". And suffice to say, it was pretty much a disappointment to me. They said not to expect anything earth-shattering, and I found out the episode was written in 2003. Basically, the episode where Raymond had to get some adenoids removed, he went under, didn't wake up; everybody went nuts & he woke up 30 seconds later, and they all started being nice to each other. It was a sappy episode. It was probably one of the more boring episodes. Nothing really got resolved, Debra was actually "nice" to Raymond for like the first time in 8 years.

People are going to be comparing this to the Seinfeld finale, which got terrible reviews. The Seinfeld finale was a great concept, it was just poorly executed and hence, felt more like a clip show.

I of course wrote a much better ending to the show 13 months ago, and here it is:

"This is what you need to do: first off, Raymond does a string of things that really piss Debra off (i.e. golfing all the time, forgetting kids at the supermarket, scratching Debra's car, the Twin Son's playing in the oven while Ray's watching tv on the couch, eating a bunch of beans before going to bed at night) then finally, Debra gets so fucking pissed at Raymond she leaves him, takes the kids and divorces him. Then you'd have Robert, suffering from the anxiety from the smothering he's receiving from new bride Amy, finally will have a complete nervous breakdown and goes on a shooting spree (after all, he is a cop) & goes after a few family members and relatives. (somehow Raymond would end up losing his middle finger) Then you'd have old farts Frank and Marie finally die at the same time after barking at each other for 38 straight minutes. (this would be a 2-part episode).

Then Ray would make (another) special guest appearance on "King of Queens" and he & Doug Heffernan (Kevin James) would go golfing together and end up getting drunk on beer & eventually tipping over the electric golf cart on a steep bunker & accidentally drive into a lake and get electrocuted. (now what are you gonna do, CBS?! you have two slots to fill now!) And if you think this is all too morbid, i suggest (if you can bare it, that is) to start watching the first few seasons of "Raymond" in syndication (these can be spotted when Debra had short hair) and watch the current episodes (if you can handle ulcers developing) you'd see how this went from being a cute and funny show to a psycho-schizophrenic shouting match. Writers in the business call this "running out of ideas".

END

-o- Sunday May 15th, 2005 -o- "everybody loses in a compromise."

Well today is Sunday. Last night the former star of SNL Will Ferrell returned to host the show for the 1st time. Suffice to say, the first 20 minutes were really good, and then it just nose-dived for the last hour. The cold-opening was good, which was Will back-stage acting like he was nervous to be back. The monologue consisted of Ferrell singing but in the process, unknowingly pisses his beige slacks for all to see while singing in the audience. I didn't see it, but apparently somebody screwed up the props to this and we saw the pants-wetting prop. There of course was Jeopardy, which was excellent as always (even in its predictable manner). Then there was a Ferrell-esque sketch where he's singing / talking at a fund raiser for some business company, and of course he's screaming & getting angry. The rest of the show pretty much blew, and even the TV Funhouse cartoon blew, and it really, really, really blew. I think Smigel is finally going senile.

And I think anyone who saw this was disappointed that it wasn't the mind-blowing explosion we all were hoping for. It just shows how weak the cast and writing was. It was like a '97-'98 episode with the results of a '04-'05 one. If that doesn't make sense, it was like a big-budget film with no plot at all.

-o- Tuesday May 17th, 2005 -o- "I want to make trouble for the Establishment!"

rules for song writing:

"mine" always rhymes with "wine"

"fucker" always rhymes with "motherfucker"

"my gas" always rhymes with "my ass"

"booze" is close enough to "blues"

any song with the word "line" is about cocaine.

to change to a rock song, all "god", "Lord", "my savior", to "baby"

"caress" always rhymes with "posess"

"me" rhymes with "see" and vise versa.

You can change "hugs" to "drugs".

You can also change "love" or "got" to "fuck"

end every line with "baby"

"record player" always rhymes with "masturbator"

-o- Wednesday May 18th, 2005 -o- "Knuckley Bragoo"

I think these are all things we want in life:

less commercials on TV

cheaper gasoline

forgoing the National Anthem at sporting events.

complete library of profanity and violence on TV.

making cholesterol into a healthy thing.

more money

free cable TV.

-o- Thursday May 19th, 2005 -o- "Who's the Boss" was surprisingly lame & is a kids show.

Well tomorrow is the "big" Cubs / White Sox rivalry at Wrigley Field. And of course, the White Sox are still # 1 while the Cubs are breaking bones and tearing muscles left and right, all while Dusty is trying to get himself fired. I wonder who the next Cubs manager will be. And of course, this series is for the fans and it's like a playoff game, but I don't like how you have to play a team 6 times who doesn't even play in the same league as you.

-o- Friday May 20th, 2005 -o- "Practice makes perfect... unless you're the Cubs."

And there it is!! The 1st Sox win over the Cubs! Easy win today. Even with the wind blowing in 15 to 25mph, Joe Crede still crushed the shit out of a pitch from Maddux against the wind and almost left the ballpark. Guess you just didn't have it today, old man Maddux.

-o- Saturday May 21st, 2005 -o- "Smelly Tramp."

And there it is!! The 2nd Sox win over the Cubs! Yeah, I'm going to ignore that Zambrano pitched 1-hit shut-out ball for 7 innings and focus primarily on how Corey Patterson's defense cost the Cubs 4 runs. Apparenly he went diving for a Konerko hit but closed his glove a half second too early. 2 runs score. Awwwww. Then somehow the Cubs got a few runs, and it was 4-3, but of course Lee killed the rally by getting picked off at 1st base. And then of course, LaTroy Hawkins doing his thing by giving up a homerun to Tie-Dye to make it 5-3 Sox in the 9th, making it that much harder for the Cubs to win. The main story is the same as it always is: the Cubs bullpen blew and it blew it big time.

And this weekend is the release of some Star Wars shit or something, I don't know. There's nothing cool about Harry Potter or Star Wars, but I guess nerds need entertainment too, eh?

-o- Sunday May 22nd, 2005 -o- "Frank knows he's just a pig with shoes."

Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! Way to go, Ozzie....your new pitcher throws 78 pitches, you take him out of the game and your crappiest bullpen reliever comes in and serves up a 3-run homer. Vizcaino is dead to me. No wonder the Brewers traded him. We were leading 2-1 and could have won that game. Ozzie has been making some very questionable moves lately. Doing stupid things like not playing guys after they went 3 for 4 the previous game and shit. He has this stupid theory of playing everyone on a rotation, no matter how good or bad (Crede / Uribe / Vizcaino).

Last night was the season finale of SNL in its 30th season. And of course, Aunt Tina Fey's little whore of a niece Lindsay Lohan hosted (as a blonde). And suffice to say, it was one of the worst SNL finales ever. I don't even recognize Lohan anymore and she still can't act or memorize lines.

Another great episode of "Bear City" where we saw a teenage bear break out the bear porn right after his mom left to go shopping. He pops in the tape and we see a 3-some about to happen. And of course, the teenage bear is rubbing his fur in a rather private place, all while the mother bear returns home because she forgot her shopping list. She of course walks in and catches her son in the act. Screaming ensues.

Other than that, the whole show sucked. It's not even worth breaking down or remember. Of course, there was no finale celebration like last year; nobody said who was leaving; other than Tina Fey's extremely fat co-head writer (who we see in the audience in sketches during the monologue) who is responsible for a lot of shitty sketches is leaving to work on a bad sitcom.

This show needs a complete overhaul, but we all knew that. It's getting pretty bad when the newer cast members of 3 weeks to 3 years are still barely getting one or two lines a show while the same jerks who have been there for 10 years are hogging up all the airtime.

Also was the season finale of "Desperate Housewives" tonight. I'd go what into what happened, but I can't remember all of my predictions or thoughts.... so I'll save that for later in the week. It's a crazy time because all of these season / series finales are going on right now, and it's like a huge event and is suddenly like the biggest event in my life. Haha. But that is the whole point of television, tho.... "for it to end."

-o- Monday May 23rd, 2005 -o- "chopity chop chop."

Alright, it's been almost 9 years since I've owned the Beatles' "White Album" from 1968. And of course, we all know why it's so ridiculously long (double album counted as two albums towards their contract obligations quickly). This album came from after the Beatle's trip to India and that's when the band really started to break apart and it during this time when band members were quitting and starting plans of going solo.

As I try to do once every few years is break down and figure out which songs should have gone on a single, truer and solid album. Time is an issue, tho. I believe LP records could only hold up to 22 minutes worth of music on each side. Times next to songs are actual times, and will follow with total album time. This is the first of the two-part series.

DISC 1.

1. Back In The U.S.S.R. (2:43)

Stays. There's still rumors on whether or not it's Paul or Ringo playing the drums, because Ringo had quit the band during these sessions. To me, the drumming is pretty wild & messy, so it seems like Paul is doing it. Ringo shortly rejoined the band.

2. Dear Prudence (3:56)    ((6:39))

Stays. What a great way to come down after a roaring start to an album. Probably the best song on the album.

3. Glass Onion (2:17) ((8:56))

Stays. Lennon using a lot of Beatles references in this song.

4. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da (3:08) ((8:56))

Gone!! Horrible McCartney song of some Jamaican lingo that McCartney ended up getting sued for using. Plus this song really annoyed the shit out of the band; particularly Lennon because they spent so much time on such a lame song. This song would later be used as the theme to a very crappy ABC tv show in the late 1980s that featured a retard.

5. Wild Honey Pie (1:01) ((8:56))

Gone! I dunno what this song is supposed to be, but it's screaming "honey pieeeee" over and over for a minute which sound like a lunatic room in a circus. This only made it to the album to kill time.

6. The Continuing Story Of Bungalow Bill (3:05) ((8:56))

Rejected. This song always annoyed me at the end with everyone cheering and whistling (you know how I feel about whistling). And it loses points for the Yoko Ono cameo "Not when he looked so fierce" (where she sounds like a little kid).

7. While My Guitar Gently Weeps (4:45) ((13:41))

Definitely stays! Harrison's strongest of the album; with Eric Clapton helping in with the guitaring. Tho it is a bit long for a Beatles, they could have trimmed off the last 30 to 60 seconds, so we'll do that. Total album time is now ((12:41))

8. Happiness Is A Warm Gun (2:43) ((15:24))

Yep. This was a combination of 3 songs Lennon worked on & then merged into one. I'm assuming the song was taking about getting drugs and getting sex. This was a very mid-60s sounding song like you'd hear in a race car movie from the time.

9. Martha My Dear (2:28) ((15:24))

haha hell no. McCartney singing about his dog who pooped on the floor.... "Hold your head up you silly girl, look what you've donnnnnnnnne!" A very lame sounding song, too.

10. I'm So Tired (2:03) ((17:27))

Yes. I like this song a lot. This song also adds to the "Paul is dead" hysteria (which we're all lead to believe McCartney died during Sgt. Pepper's sessions from a motorcycle accident). I did this on my comp once... I heard some backwards voices... then recorded it in Windows Sound Recorder while it played, reversed it, and it was Lennon going, "Paul is dead, man. Miss him, miss him, miss him!" You'll hear this backwards version of it 1:58 into the song. It was high school and I was bored.

11. Blackbird (2:18) ((19:45))

Yep. A complete solo by McCartney in the studio.

12. Piggies (2:04) ((19:45))

No. While a somewhat amusing song, this is the kind of absurd song that only makes it to a double album. I'm sure Harrison wanted to sing about pigs "clutching forks and knives... to eat the bacon!" Interesting choice of using the harpsichord on it. Probably the best harpsichord playing I ever heard on a pop album.

13. Rocky Raccoon (3:41)   ((19:45))

Absolutely not. You ever hear a British man try to fake a southern / western accent about someone named Rocky of the Dakotas? It's just jibber-jabber awful.

14. Don't Pass Me By (3:42)   ((19:45))

Rejected. Sorry Ringo, I know it was the first song you ever wrote and it'll make you sad, but I'm cutting this song. It seems like the whole song plays the same music verse over and over for the entire song.

15. Why Don't We Do It In The Road (1:41) ((19:45))

Naw. This is another amusing absurd song that would only make it to a double album. It more suited for Anthologies decades later to be heard. Which of course, inexplicably was put on that too and was almost identical to this.

16. I Will (1:46) ((21:31))

Yeah. I'll allow it. It'd finish side A or would be put somewhere in the middle of side B.

17. Julia (2:54) ((24:25))

Yep. **edit: Lennon wrote this song about his mother of the same name. Also said it was a mixture of his mother & Yoko. This would also be in the middle of side B.

-o- Tuesday May 24th, 2005 -o- "he's drinking out of a paint can."

Part 2.

1. Birthday (2:42) ((27:07))

Definitely. This would also kick off side B.

2. Yer Blues (4:01) ((31:08))

Oh yeah. This song could be trimmed off 30 seconds, so we'll do that. Total album time is now ((30:38))

3. Mother Nature's Son (2:48) ((30:38))

No. I don't want that hippie crap on my album. Next.

4. Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except For Me and My Monkey. (2:24) ((33:02))

You bet. Is also the longest name for a Beatles song.

5. Sexy Sadie (3:15) ((36:17))

Absolutely. I only started liking this wonderfully sarcastic song once I found out it was Lennon mocking their Hindu teacher from their trip to India. I'm pretty sure Harrison didn't play on this song, since the trip was his idea and all. "What have you done?? You've made a fool out of everyone! We'd give everything we own, just to sit at the table with you."

6. Helter Skelter (4:29) ((40:46))

Yes. This was Paul's answer to the Who's "The Seeker", which the Who proclaimed it was the dirtiest song ever. Paul didn't take to kindly to that, so after a bunch of partying in the studio and some hours of recording, the song was finished. But since it fades out 3 times, we're going to chop that off and trim a minute off. Total album time is now ((39:46)).

7. Long, Long, Long (3:04) ((42:50))

This would be Harrison's second contribution to the album. Tho I would have turned up the recording volume up because you can barely hear anything.

8. Revolution 1 (4:15) ((42:50))

No. This is the slow version of the single, and the single was much louder and better. This is another double album filler.

9. Honey Pie (N/A) ((42:50))

This song sucks!! What a stupid, corny piece of shit song. I omitted ripping it from my CD.

10. Savoy Truffle (2:54)

No. This is a song about Eric Clapton eating all of Harrison's candy (no joke) and how it rotted his teeth. I guess Harrison's candy wasn't the only thing Clapton was after of his, eh?

11. Cry Baby Cry / Can You Take Me Back (3:10) ((42:50))

If it weren't for time constraints, I'd put it on. I'd release as the "B" side to "Good Night" which closed the album. The last 36 seconds on this song inexplicably has which sounds like Paul alone in the studio singing "Can you take me back from where I came from", etc. It was never listed on the album, and nobody knows how it ended up on the album

12. Revolution 9 (some 9 minutes long) ((42:50))

Good god no. This song has a 9 at the end of it because Lennon was superstitious of the number 9. This was basically Lennon & Ono in the studio all night; watching tv, recording sounds and cutting up tracks and randomly taping them back together. Is the longest Beatles song and was voted worst ever.

13. Good Night (3:11) ((42:50))

Better off as a single in my opinion, which is 3 minutes of Ringo singing behind some Disney-esque orchestra music.

So there we are. 15 tracks, 42 minutes and 50 seconds long, just right for the 44 minute time constraint. The album would look as follows:

SIDE A:
1. Back In The U.S.S.R.
2. Dear Prudence
3. Glass Onion
4. While My Guitar Gently Weeps
5. I'm So Tired
6. Blackbird
7. Happiness Is A Warm Gun

SIDE B:
1. Birthday
2. Yer Blues
3. I Will
4. Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Me And My Monkey
5. Sexy Sadie
6. Helter Skelter
7. Long Long Long
8. Julia

And there you have it. Make your own damn list.

-o- Tuesday May 31st, 2005 -o- "Principal stabs self, blames student; has no sense of humor."

How ironic. By Dolph Rudager.

Two of the oldest men in the American League, Frank Thomas (37) of the White Sox and Juan Gonzalez of the Cleveland Indians (35 y/o, rumored at least 40) both returned Monday and Tuesday respectively after year-long rehabilitation stints on the DL....only to wind up back on there.

Sunday, Thomas went 0-2, with a walk, and in those, a pussy pop-up in the 1st thus killing a rally. In the 7th inning of Monday's bullshit-luck win 5-4 over the Angels, injured himself while swinging the bat, thus inducing a hip flexor injury, whatever the hell that is.

Juan Gonzalez, sidelined all season because of a strained right hamstring, was activated by the Cleveland Indians from the disabled list on Tuesday. Hours later, he re-aggravated the injury while running out a grounder in the first inning; his first major league at-bat since May 21, 2004.

Batting cleanup and assigned to play right field, Gonzalez hit a bouncer to third base -- and pulled up lame about halfway down the first-base line. Television replays showed him wince as he slowed to a jog.

What possess two extremely obese and old men to keep playing baseball? Don't they know it's a young man's game?

"money and ego", says this writer.

These players are chasing records like they're chasing shadows; trying to obtain fame that someday will get them to sell their autograph at baseball cord shows for $50 a piece. This reporter isn't buying it.

"They're too god damn old and slow."

Just hang it up, old man and save your money for your alimony.

-o- Monday May 30th, 2005 -o- "Why fly a kite in the park when you can just pop a pill?"

Good god, man. Ozzie made the mistake of pitching Buehrle in the 9th inning with only a 3-2 lead. Buehrle was clearly out of gas; he was close enough to 100 pitches and it was the 5th time through the Angels line-up. With a 3-2 lead, and your closer hasn't saved a game in days, it was clearly the choice to make. But he didn't do it. And Buehrle paid the price which was a W & a bunch of points on his ERA.

Ozzie shortened the lives of all 38,685 that showed up today. And some.

-o-

Fade in from commercial on the 9 o'clock news.

Skip: "Alright, it was a great Memorial Day. Let's check in with Chet Chatter in the weatherroom for the forecast, eh? Hey Chet, it sure was a great day to bbq, wasn't it?

Chet: "Screw you, Skip! I wouldn't know because I had to spend my entire fucking day inside the news room looking at the weather on computer screens for jerks like you!!"

**Skip turns to the camera** "Ahhhhhhhh it was a great day! Skip Jr. hit his 1st homerun today and Little Bussy picked daisies in the park. Plus the Mrs's potato salad was just **smacks lips** mwah!!"

Chet: "Go to hell, Skip! I hope you choke on it!!"

Skip: "Nevertheless, it was a perfect day. So what was the barometer reading at 2:30 this afternoon, Chet?"

Chet: "Fucking 30.02, Shithead!"

Skip: "I don't know, Chet. It really felt more like 29.98."

Chet: **puts fists on side of forehead and screams** "AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Skip: "So how's the 5-day outlook, Chet?"

Chet: **pants** "It's gonna be cool and rainy for most of the weekend with high's near the mid 50s."

Skip: "oh man, Chet. That's terrible! Can't you come up with a better forecast than that?? You've
really let me and everyone else down."

Chet: **stares in disbelief**

Skip: "'cause I got some tee times setup for golfing this week, and I think me and especially our
viewers deserve some sunshine and temps in the 70s, right Chet?"

Chet: "NO!!! I'm sick and tired of humiliating my reputation from faulty weather forecasts trying to
appease stupid idiot people like YOU so you can feel good about yourselves!! Oh, and what
happens if I'm wrong?? Here come the phone calls from angry viewers! **mocking** "Oh Chet Chatter, why did it rain on little Billy's baseball game?" "Oh Chet, it was colder than expected and my Cindy caught cold and now can't perform in her dance recital!!" Where's my cut of slack, Skip? Where the fuck is it?? C'mon, man!!!"

Skip: **long pause** "You sure you couldn't squeeze some sun & high 60s temps in there, Chet?"

Chet: **makes an angry face and grits teeth, then quickly gets up & turns around and throws his chair toward the anchor desk; hitting Skip clearly in the head.** "Grrrr-umph!!! Fucking ASS!"

Skip: **falls foward & collapses on the desk**

Chet: **to camera** "It's gonna be cold and rainy, fucking GOT IT, douche bags??!"

**fade out to commercial**

-o- Sunday May 29th, 2005 -o- "Take these broken wings and learn to fly. C'mon, i dare you! Fly!"

Well Shingo gave up 4 runs in the 8th (2 Hr's), so it looks like the end of him. The A.L. has figured him out plus he has control problems. Also he is an old man (like 37). How I hate the Rangers.

-o-

Commentary by Dolph Rudager on ethnic / devil named sports names:

God, man. I can't believe super overly-sensitive people get offended by a team sports mascot name. Chief Wahoo is just a cartoon logo.. he doesn't hunt down and shoot people or ruin people's lives or punch your stupid fat mama in the mouth. He's just a cartoon. I can think of much more stupid and offensive cartoons like Cathy, For Better or For Worse, Blondie, Mutts, Baby Blues; which all just make me sick.

And yeah, there's things that annoy / offend me like American Idol, single mothers, McDonalds,
teenagers, cell phones and soccer. But I just ignore them & don't go around wasting my time trying to get them banned or to change their name, because I have much better things to do, which apparently these people don't.

Bunch of fucking pansies. Don't let the PC Bullies push you around and change your tradition 'cause they have a problem with it. It's just sports, get over it.

-o- Saturday May 28th, 2005 -o- "shut up, you Lassie-killer!!!"

Well the Sox / Rangers game got rained out today, and will be made up as part of a doubleheader in August, which is probably a good thing, because the Rangers are on a like 7 game winning streak and just are unstopable.

There's also been a lack of updates here. The reason for that is I'm having a major writer's block problem right now, and also all of my creative energy has been towards making baseball uniform concepts, which eventually will have its own page and gallery on this site, complete with thumbnails and shit. Some uniforms take longer than others to make, and I finally got around to making pre-made templates instead of using one template and altering it, which took some time 'cause it's so large. But never the less, it's just something that irks me and just takes forever to get around to. Also, I have been working on a new blog design (yet again) and concluded with only somewhat bits of satisfaction. It'll probably work better once baseball season is over.

-o- Friday May 27th, 2005 -o- "that's enough out of you, Johnny Sideburns."

Oh damn. It's Friday. And I don't have a thought in my head. Well, I do have one thought. An idea, actually.

Every night, I seem to have these horrible nightmares that are intense. And I'm thinking, "how can this be happening every single night?" So eventually, when I woke up, I put 2 and 2 together, and remembered that my dad was in the Army in the early to mid 1960s; and we all know that the Army invented LSD to control people. So perhaps maybe my dad was given this experimental drug over the years, and the Army kept sending it to him in the 1960s & 1970s, and I'd assume he'd probably share it with my mom and put it in her martini's every night. So perhaps I was born on LSD! Tho I've never knowingly taken any drugs or LSD, it's possible somebody could have spiked my food at school with it or some chemical seeped into the water supply.

How about that idea? Eh.. it's probably not likely. Tho I did have this strange dream the other night that I was hanging out in an old barn, and it was a huge barn, with two stories in it. I remember how dark, dirty and full of dead leaves in this barn; and how rickety and soft the floor was; like it was going to collapse at any step. Then eventually I wandered around and found these boxes full of sports memorabilia (I remember three Chicago Bears helmets, a neon blue and pink Detroit Tigers road cap with the orange "D" on it (with the New Era logo in the sweatband in black). But the most odd thing was, I would take these crayons, and draw stick-figures on the walls. Then slowly, they'd start growing, become animated and became human-like (into a baseball player) all while playing catch with them. Eventually these drawings turning into baseball players who apparently were from the past but knew of the future. I remember a ballplayer pointing out the window at all of the farmland surrounding the barn, and saying "oh that business is gonna be there, and there, but the one that goes in over there is bad for the overall domestic economy. I was like, "you really expect me to remember this???" Suffice to say, I really didn't give a rat's ass.

How I got into this barn in the first place.... I remember Alan and Phyllis were walking with me on this gravel road in the country, and apparently I had this girlfriend, who had black & straight hair that went past her shoulders, had black-rimmed glasses and a somewhat medium to fat build with a deep voice. She didn't have an expression, and I remember us walking and talking, but when I asked to touch her boobs, she refused, so I told her to get the hell away from me and beat it. Eventually those 3 ended going into the city while I went into the barn and eventually saw the people & hallucinations in the barn. There ended up being some 20 people inside the barn, where some corner of it looked like a furnished kitchen.

What the hell is up with my brain thinking of this kind of shit??

-o- Thursday May 26th, 2005 -o- "listen to the dancing poon."

Top 12 songs of recent that are constantly stuck in my head. Parts of these songs get stuck in my head for days / weeks at a time and play over dozens if not hundreds of times.

Rocks Off - The Rolling Stones
Sway - The Rolling Stones
Can't You Hear Me Knockin' - The Rolling Stones
S.O.S. - ABBA
Piggies - The Beatles
Lucky Man - Emerson, Lake and Palmer
Cry Baby Cry / Can You Take Me Back - The Beatles
The Mule - Deep Purple
Simple Twist of Fate - Bob Dylan
Ballad of a Thin Man - Bob Dylan
Mother - John Lennon
Don't Do Me Like That - Tom Petty

-o- Wednesday May 25th, 2005 -o- "People with tempers shouldn't own vases."

favorite word list:

inexplicably
innuendo
roughhousing
shit
assman
bunker
esque
Phlegm
van
Festivus
poop
Nyquil
lard
outhouse
barren
senile
soccer-riot
impotent

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