08
20
Your daily dose of the absurd.
>  Saturday March 1st, 2008  <   "Mr. Wilson wincing in pain: "Oh DENNIS my enlarged prostate!""

Husband and wife sitting in a divorce lawyer's office.


Dolph Rudager's wife speaking in front of lawyer: "I am SO going to clean you out, Dolph!"

Dolph: "yeah, YOU'D think that, you lousy bitch!"

Wife: "Lousy husband, always having those orgies with numerous women!""

Dolph: "What about you?  You're as cold as, cold as... cold as.. well, cold as frozen water."

Wife: "And why don't you ever shave off that scrawny mustache??"

Lawyer: "Well this looks to be a long ordeal."

Dolph: "Not so, Lawyer.  In case of an event like this, I took the precaution of taping my pre-wedding ceremony.  Let's watch."  **pops tape into VCR**

Dolph on tape:

"Hey how you doing?!!  This Dolph Rudager at the 31st Central Church in room 5 on March 21st, 2006, here on my wedding day!  The first fucking day of Spring and it's 10am!  In case my new wife turns out to be a total bitch, I'm going to cover my ass.  I recently learned from a retired minister:

"If during a wedding ceremony, if the groom is drunk, apparently that moment 'is when the contract of the marriage is made,' he says 'It is illegal to make any contract when intoxicated, the marriage is null and void, and can be annulled.' "

So in order to prove that I am actually drunk and not acting, I'm going to prove that I am in fact, going to be intoxicated by Noon, the time of the ceremony!

Okay......I am now opening this bottle of booze for the first time...watch that seal crack, baby!  **twists off cap & breaks seal and pours it into a shot glass**

Okay here we go!  **takes a shot** WHOOOOOO!  Here comes a few more! **takes a few more shots**

Okay...now to prove that it's the day it is, I'm holding up today's newspaper!  Time for another shot!!  **takes another shot followed by several**

Oooooooooh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, this is my "Get Out of Hell Free" card!  **clearly intoxicated** I'll loooooove yaaaaaaa, darlin'!  Until....**hiccup** until you give me a..a.. rea..reasunnnn not to!  Baw-hahahahahahaha!!!  **takes another shot** "


Lawyer: "Hmmmm.  Well this confirms what's on the pictures, testimony and other video tapes.  And this holds up."

Wife: "I hate you, Dolph."

Dolph Rudager: "WHOOOOOOO!!!"  **stands up jumps around** "And....I....am....outta herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre!" **runs from room**

Wife: "Ugh.  This is what I get for being so attracted to that shiny red sportscar of his."

END
>  Thursday March 6th, 2008  <   "Leave!"

The Apprentice.  This episode advertised heavily by NBC that either Omarosa or Piers will get fired.  Somehow I doubt that.  Task: go to art museum, find art dealer, pick out some art, sell it as high as possible for charity.  Project Mangers are Piers and Omarosa!  Ah, Team Hydra has learned that they can sell up to 20 pieces of art, as opposed to 1 or a few.  Now it's up the teams to find people to buy it via contacts, and Piers clearly has the advantage.  Omarosa don't know jack shit.  Oh dear, Stephen Baldwin seems to be having trouble multi-tasking, but of course, what guy doesn't? 

Well this is bullshit!  Team Empresario has the 1st room and Team Hydra has the backroom??  Tho that could work to Hydra's advantage.  And Stephen Baldwin is sticking his nose in Team Hydra's space where it doesn't fucking belong!  And the art show has begun with people buying art. 

Ha HA!  Team Hydra got one of Team Empresario's contacts to buy their own art!  Wow,   Maitre'D Jean Philippe Susilovic representing Chef Ramsay!  The gallery has ended, and it appears that one of the Project Managers will be fired.   Wow, Team Empresario only sold 4 pieces!!  Team Hyrda: sold $164,000  14 out of 20 pieces.   Team Empresario: 3 out of 16. sold $7,000.   WOW!!! Oh!  Greatest victory in Apprentice history!   And apparently Omarosa got fired in the last Apprentice from a task just like this.  Haha, Piers is calling for the complete destruction of Team Empresario. And Piers and Team Hyrda get to leave the courtroom with nobody fired!   Piss poor strategy by Team Empresario.  Had the prices too low, poor contacts.  Who will get fired??   Ha, Ivanka saying Omarosa set herself up for a real ass kicking by pissing Piers off.  Omarosa is shooting her mouth off about Piers, and Trump has suggested Piers might come back to defend himself.   Uh oh.... this is not good.  Piers is going back to the boardroom after watching what Omarosa is saying.   Stay!  You can't get fired if you're not in the boardroom!  Oh shit.  This better not turn out bad.    Or maybe Trump thinks this will make good television after a piss-poor task.  Ah, he just went in to kiss Trace on the cheek and called him a "beautiful cowboy".  Everybody was amused by that.  Omarosa thought she was going to get hit. 

And Donald Jr. sounds like Kermit the Frog.  And Ivanka is pointing out Omarosa acting out all defeated from the beginning.  "Omarosa, you're fired!"   Heh, "That was pretty easy.  That was obvious".  Oh, what a bruised ego in Omarosa!  0 for 3 as Project Manager and her charity don't get SQUAT.  This has been the moment everyone was waiting for.  Bitch vs. Asshole, and it wasn't even close.  And Omarosa finally got what was coming to her: got her ass handed to her and destroyed by her biggest enemy.  An embarrassment of biblical proportions indeed!
>  Monday March 3rd, 2008  <   "I......want to piss and poop all niiiiiiiiiiiight, and sleep all ev-er-y-day...."

Apparently horrible White Sox radio announcer Chris Singleton has taken a job with ESPN's Baseball Tonight (don't know why in the hell they'd want such a lousy announcer with so little baseball knowledge) meaning Steve Stone is now taking over as color analyst on WSCR-AM 670 White Sox radio broadcasts! Oh FINALLY I'll be able to have some audio during White Sox games! This is the best news since, well, the '05 World Series Championship. If I was in charge of the White Sox, I'd make Steve Stone manager, GM, and sole announcer simulcast TV & radio feed. He's just that great of a baseball guru. 

Man, what a piece of shit announcer Chris Singleton was.  I listened to some April games in 2006 of him and Ed Farmer, just horrible.  I only listened once last year, which was on Opening Day.  Just completely unlistenable.  Yeah, "let's hire someone who was a mediocre ballplayer who lacks intelligence!"   Apparently when Steve Stone filled in for DJ last August on TV, Hawk didn't really like Stoney and probably was sweating with having to deal with a real intellectual who didn't want to scream after a homerun was hit. 

And to make March 3rd, 2008 even sweeter, asshole crybaby Brett Favre FINALLY retired!  Even tho it was great watching him blow his team's chance to go to the Super Bowl on his last play, the Bears were 5-1 and 6-2 against Favre lately.  I've seen every single one of Favre's Bears / Packers games, and quite frankly, wasn't ever really impressed, nor did I ever pay attention to him outside of the rivalry game.  I have zero respect for him and I couldn't care less what he did in the NFL.  What a great day to be a Bears fan.  In closing, "FUCK YOU, FAVRE!"
>  Sunday March 2nd, 2008  <   "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a 3-way with two lovely ladies named Vicodin and Percodan."

Well March 1st has come and past, meaning it's the Meteorological Spring. As for Chicagoland (and this varies greatly) it was the 5th snowiest Winter ever at Midway Airport and 9th cloudiest February. Some roughly 57" of snow fell around here, followed by a bunch of thaws which resulted in the ground pretty much being bare & some people's front lawns look like swimming pools. This certainly was one of the harshest Winters that I recall, being the 1999-00 Winter being the worst; and too young to remember the 1978-79 Winter and was busy defecating myself.  That said, I think they still need to re-map the weather map into some kind of numbered section grid, because some counties are way too big to fit into descriptions or forecasts or warnings, and there's areas where 4 counties meet at one point. 

Well Spring Training has started, and I am ashamed to say this (even over which looks like a White Sox lock of 3rd place in the A.L. Central) like a lousy ESPN-tit sucking Nor-easter, I am actually far more interested in the Philadelphia Phillies / New York Mets rivalry this season than the A.L. Central where the Tigers and Indians will duke it out.  I still think the Tigers and Indians are overrated, but I guess I have different expectations of a ballclub.
>  Tuesday March 4th, 2008  <   "MEANWHILE.... BEHIND MEG GRIFFIN'S BRA...."

Apparently there's been a refund offer on that teacher-made medicine "Airborne" because of false advertising.  Some idiot decided to put down on the box: "cures the common cold in 1 day".    First off, there is no cure for the common cold.  And secondly, "Who was the asshead who decided to put THAT on the label??" which makes it sound stupid.  So now they're offering refunds based on products from with a time period. And fyi, leave to a teacher to make a faulty product. 

Of course, to get this refund, you have to fill out this form.  Personally, I wouldn't give them any personal info...sounds like a spam job.  Perhaps a spam company said "we'll pay you X-amount of money to cover the fine you'd receive for false advertising, and in return, you'll give us their personal info." Tho I doubt any teacher would be smart enough to come up with that scheme.  What a turd. I hope that teacher got mocked and ridiculed for it by her students. 

"Hey teacher, you get sued yet again??"
"'Hey teacher, how do I know your test questions aren't falsely written to mislead us to our given answers!"
"Hey teacher, at least I know bullshit & not to put it on a box!"

Then the teacher will go back to the lounge, smoke a cigarette and chug black coffee, and bitch about how awful it is to be a teacher.
>  Wednesday March 5th, 2008  <   "Mr. Wilson wincing in pain: "Oh DENNIS my colorectal cancer!""

Apparently Rachael 'Rayard' Ray is having a dog show this Saturday.  I bet she wants to smell all the dog's buttholes.
>  Friday March 7th, 2008  <   "It's that fucking Silver Spoons program!!"

And the report is in: Steve Stone was stellar in the White Sox radio booth - Ed Farmer didn't know when to shut the fuck up.  As mentioned, it's been almost a year since I listened to a White Sox game on the radio.  A few things we learned about Steve Stone is that he originally started out as a catcher but took too many foul balls and plows so he decided to move to the mound, and the first batter he ever faced was teammate Willie Mays in batting practice.  Also Ed Farmer tends to go into rants and interrupt Stoney while he's trying to say something.  Looks like Farmer is now the weakest link.  And I had forgotten how annoying radio commercials were, especially during baseball games.  God damn fucking shit like shitty-ass beer commercials about shitty piss water beer, reminders to listen to idiot high-adrenaline sports talk radio and 'big savings at Menards'.  I have to say it might high-time to invest in a remote controlled radio. 

I have to say, the first radio game of the season wore me the fuck out.  Suffice to say, it was an extremely boring game and there wasn't much to talk about in it.  The 1st and 3rd base coaches now have to wear batting helmets on the field, and I have to say, I like the look.  It's the regular batting helmet, not that weird-ass futuristic shit with vents and indentations and shit, without the earflaps, giving it a real authentic retro look.  So what else is there to look forward to?  A bunch of alternates in Philly (cream pinstripeless w/ blue hat), Toronto (powder blue pullover 1979-88 roads on home Fridays), Cleveland (new retroesque radial block home), Kansas City (new powder blue jersey at home) , Oakland (new black alternate that'll probably never be worn), Brewers apparent Sunday retro home and two confirmed Turn Back the Clock Days, in Seattle of either the 1981-86 or 1987-92 look, and another White Sox 1983 game, with the Orioles possibly having a 1983 T.B.T.C. game.  All Star Game at Yankee Stadium, and last years for Yankee & Shea Stadiums, and a new stadium of Nationals Park.
>  Saturday March 8th, 2008  <   "It smells like a Whopper farted in here."

Well the 2008 entries of January and February Untitled Daily Column Project has been archived and can be viewed by clicking on the brown ball with the white arrow pointing to the right.  Also all previous entries since July of 2006 have been organized from descending to ascending for better flow.  Eventually I'll be working on replacing all the quotation marks and apostrophes due to Word, which will take some time. 

I don't know if I have decided whether or not to accept Daylight Savings Time this year.  I may just end up living on Mountain Time, which may really screw up my daily life and habits.  Or I'll just be doing everything 1 hour earlier.  I read an article about some study they did about Indiana's DST.  Two years ago Indiana finally stopped their ridiculous DST system of various counties staying in the Central, while others preferred Eastern while others didn't bother with DST at all.  Ending the retardation, prompted a study by University of California-Santa Barbara.  What did they find?

"Having the entire state switch to daylight-saving time each year, rather than stay on standard time, costs Indiana households an additional $8.6 million in electricity bills. They conclude that the reduced cost of lighting in afternoons during daylight-saving time is more than offset by the higher air-conditioning costs on hot afternoons and increased heating costs on cool mornings."

We all know Daylight Savings Time is stupid.  At least there's some data to now prove it.
>  Sunday March 9th - Wednesday March 12th 2008  <   "Well I got me some dope and a clothesline...."

Well this was exhausting.  Going back on 4 years worth of entries, fixing and trying to undo all the damage Microsoft Word has done to the blog.  This problem didn't show up until recently, but it's a problem that finally started happening on my end.  Microsoft Word has its own stupid special language for characters, like quotation marks, apostrophes, three periods, slashes and dashes, etc, so this stupid shit comes up as question marks on browsers.  So after about 4 days of intense checking, along with checking again a second time with a fine toothed comb to fix the problems.  Apparently I missed a few quotation marks in almost every single month, and some apostrophes were hidden by certain tall letters.  So that, with the aid of a writing pad, pen, a pillow and FireFox Thunderbird composition mode and a million Ctrl+ C, F & V keystrokes, I was able to fix thousands of lines in a matter of about 27 hours.  Tho it's probably closer to 36 hours.  And Thunderbird is the only non-Word program I have that has a spell check.  I have to say, I made so many unnecessary quotations, and I really have to stop using contractions so god damn much.  So it should be fixed now, instead of confusing people thinking I'm asking 200 questions per blog entry.
>  Thursday March 13th 2008  <   "'I'm just a low introductory rate', said Comcast."

The Apprentice, week 11.  Ah, there's Piers celebrating the firing of all-around piece of trash Omarosa, which is found to be excessive by Trace.  The task: it's the Quizno's episode!  The task is for each team to make a new Sammie.  Team Hydra of Piers Morgan, Carol Alt and Lennox Lewis made the Sammie "The Champ" made by Lennox, which has Turkey, cheddar and Chipotle Mayo, topped with a lettuce and tomato garnish.  Team Empresario (terrible name btw) consisted of Stephen Baldwin and Trace Akins, made by Trace the "Cowboy Club" Sammie: Thinly-sliced Prime Rib, Mozzarella, sauteed onions, bacon bits and Chipotle Mayo.  Both were to be sold for a few hours at $2 a piece for charity.  The sandwiches came with 1 ounce of meat and are very small, which I've seen these Sammies in person.  They are no bigger than 4" in diameter.  Maybe 3".

This episode was heavily edited to show a very confident Stephen Baldwin saying they're going to win because it's prime rib.  Even one local office ordered $25 of them in one order.  The lunchtime is over, the contestant are in the boardroom, the results are in, and Team Hydra won 313-253!

What happened here.  Perhaps it was a bad idea to sell a Cowboy idea to a yuppie downtown New York City.  Ivanka brought up the idea that The Champ Sammie was more generic and would be something that women and children would prefer, tho she liked the Cowboy Club better.  Trace or Stephen to be fired.  Despite Trace being Project Manager, Stephen has really been lacking in his contacts and generating revenue the past few weeks. Stephen is fired!  Can't really say I'm surprised, since Ivanka seems to have the hots for Trace and Trump said he loves Trace's voice as well.  Trace said that the "Team Empresario is a disease".

Next week will be a double elimination (probably due to contract obligations and nobody fired in the 7th week) and then the two hour live finale, during March Madness 8 Elite night, which is kinda dumb on NBC's part.  "You're ALL fired!  Get the fuck out of my boardroom!"
>  Friday March 14th 2008  <   "Rubber Duck Condoms"

There are few things in life that are so ridiculous.  That's why Philadelphia Phillies closer Brad Lidge wins the "The Most Ridiculous Major League Baseball Player of 2008 Award", for injuring his knee on the very first pitch he made in Spring Training which required arthroscopic knee surgery and going on the DL in February.  Former Astros Manager and all around General Asshole Phil Garner called Brad Lidge "bad karma".  Brad Lidge will always have a place in White Sox history for crumbling against the Sox in the '05 World Series, and has been a train wreck ever since.

As much as a broken motorscooter that Lidge is, it's nowhere near close to the train wreck that is the Mets, with having 7 of 9 starters injured at one point in Spring Training.  It remains to be seen if the Phillies end up being the favorite in the N.L. East this year, even tho they play in that ridiculous bandbox of a ballpark in Philly.  Then again, there's only so many ridiculous things that happen in baseball, like getting beaned in the head on your very first MLB at-bat (ex-Cub Adam Greenberg) or failing your first ever drug test due to a GNC product (Rangers 2007 4th Round Pick 18-year old Matt West) or getting hit in the face by a foul ball in your very 1st baseball game for not paying attention (a stupid idiot child).

Pitcher: "Okay, here I am!  Here with my new team and my huge multi-year, multi-million dollar contract!  Here I go!  First pitch of the year!" **throws it** "OWWWWW My knee!!!"

Manager: "Oh for crying out loud!!!!"
>  Sunday March 16th 2008  <   "I [vomit] you"

Well some more news in the absurd world of ridiculous, starting this Fall, the state of Illinois is going to start drug testing its high school athletes, of a list of 78 banned stimulants, anabolic steroids, diuretics and peptide hormones and analogues.  A positive test results in a year suspension of competitive play, or reduced to 90 days if the student takes a steroid education class.  Tho the biggest piece of bullshit of this, is that caffeine is on the list of banned substances, because it is a stimulant.  You gotta be fucking kidding me.  There is caffeine in SO many products.  Basically every soda has it, and hell even decaffeinated coffee has trace amounts of caffeine.  And now these kids can't drink some of their favorite drinks because of some stupid test??  There are thousands if not millions of people who need caffeine to get through school.  Oh suddenly little Billy can't get into Harvard because he couldn't finish writing his 15-page Advanced History Paper 'cause he couldn't keep his fucking eyes open past 10pm, and now he'll have to go to a crummy state school where he'll get a second tier education that'll land him a lousy job as a state emissions tester breathing in exhaust fumes all day for minimum wage.  Now what if all-around outstanding multi-sport star Dolph Rudager was in high school this Fall?

Dolph Rudager holds press conference: "Yeah, I'd like to make this announcement, that I am aware of the new Illinois High School drug testing policy, and have decided that I hate my school too much to give up the caffeinated drinks I love.  And quite frankly, I don't care if it is going to cost the school multiple state titles and championships, lost glory and revenue, some of the coaches are assholes, and because quite frankly, it's a fucking stupid test.  **pops open a Dr. Pepper** Mmmmmmm that's good soda!!!"
>  Saturday March 15th 2008  <   "Bug spray for dinner again? No!"

Oh you know what this is...

Now the words that Dolph Rudager would say...... are very boring.
But the words that Dolph Rudager  shouldn't say... now those are interesting and offensive!
> Monday March 17th 2008  <   "I survived Hot Pockets."
'Tis St. Patrick's Day!   Get wild!  Drink up!  Go crazy!  Run around!  Tip over stuff!  Kick that tree!  Run around in a circle and start screaming obscenities!!  Set that trash can on fire, and put it out by taking a piss on it!

Paint the town in a shade of kelly green with your puke-vomit!!!  Dye everything kelly green!   Dye your orange juice kelly green!  Dye your pork chops and even your mashed potatoes kelly green!   Get green and blue food dye all over your hands!  Dye your water kelly green!

Scream!  Run!  Turn in a circle!  Drink too much!  Be loud!  Cause a scene!  Cause an incident!  Forget to watch the new "Two and a Half Men" episode!  Kick the dog!  Steal an inanimate object from a shady establishment!  Talk with a really bad fake Irish accent and establish yourself with a new identity!  If you drink too much, you'll puke and you'll be ready to drink too much again!  Accept no authority and demand vengeance!  Continually ask for people to "come on"!  Carry yourself with a poor sense of balance!  Fuck, we're all dead!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!
>  Wednesday March 19th 2008  <   "It's Donny "What the fuck?!" Osmond!"

The Internet... it doesn't matter how ugly you are or what the color of your skin is.  It's how stupid you are.
>  Tuesday March 18th 2008  <   "The sign said, "The President doesn't like the FBI smoking dope"."

ALRIGHT, EVERYBODY JUST COOL THE HELL DOWN!!!

Okay, maybe my idea of going crazy and trashing the place in honor of St. Patrick's Day maybe wasn't the best of ideas.  I didn't think things would get so out of hand, but it's not my fault the city is on fire or that your car got turned over or how that lamp got in that tree.  We'll just have to agree to disagree.
>  Thursday March 20th 2008  <   "Mr. Wilson wincing in pain: "Oh DENNIS my diabetes!""

The Apprentice, week 12.  Immediately after Stephen Baldwin was fired, Trump made Piers, Carol, Lennox and Trace to be interviewed separately by CNBC anchors Erin Burnett and Jim Cramer, whom Trump deemed worthy of deciding out of the 4 who is the best business people.  Both liked Trace, but baldy didn't like Piers, citing "Piers must be stopped".  Which of course, Trump disagreed because Piers has raised the most money and has the most wins, so you can't fire him.  Lennox turns out to be the first one fired.  He was perceived as "too laid back", and at one point, said "uh, uh, uh, uh, uh..."

Then Carol got fired, solely because Trump believe Piers and Trace hate each other, and he wants to see them fight.  However, Carol seemed more qualified business person-wise, but of course this is what Donald wants.  And Donald wants blood and ratings.  Now the bullshit begins.  What I hate about The Apprentice and Hell's Kitchen, is the previous losers are brought back to help the two finalists.  Marilu Henner and Stephen Baldwin are brought back, and so were just-fired Lennox Lewis and Carol Alt.  A coin flip was done to determine who gets to pick first, and Trace won, and picked Lennox, whom Piers wanted.  Then Piers picked Stephen, which Stephen & Trace hated.  Marilu went to Trace, and Carol ended up with Piers.

The task was again design some stupid elaborate charity event at some big location, with stuff to auction off, bring in celebrities, catering, entertainment.  At this point, the show was about 10 minutes from ending, so we didn't see much.  For whatever reason, Trace picked the Backstreet Boys to be his entertainment for his event.  I don't know, but why in the hell, especially if you're a country music star from a Red State, would get the Backdoor Boys as your entertainment?? I'd be embarrassed.

Time to wrap this up.  This has turned into a USA vs. UK thing.  Trace said about Piers:  "wants to beat this bastard" and "knows he won't raise as much money as Piers".  Fergie, the Duchess of York shows up for Piers.  Things don't seem to be working too well for Piers.  Stephen's contacts once again ain't bring in shit.  Tho I'm wondering how much of a sabotage this is.  Stephen has nothing to gain from this and it looks like he�s tanking it.  And finally, we see Trace calling to reserve his hotel, and they don't have any idea on who he is or what he wants.  Trace talks, he sounds like he's belching.  Next week, 2-hour live Apprentice finale for a job that doesn't even exist.

FUCKING SHUT IT DOWN!!!!
>  Sunday March 23rd 2008  <   "This is madness!  We have guns....killing guns!!!"

Television commercial plays on TV.

kid: "Here I am!  Out here playing on this tree with nature!" **close ups of his hands grabbing on to the branches**

Mother I.L.F. looking out window: "Hmmmm.."

MILF yells through opened window: "Pofentner, Time for lunch!"

Pofentner: "Oh boy!" **runs right in and begins chowing down**

Pofentner: **pukes all over self** "BLEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCH!" **runs back outside to play**

MILF: "Hmmm."

Pofentner: "I love climbing trees and playing outside with nature!"


Time passes.

MILF yelling from opened back yard door: "Time for snack!"

Pofentner: "Oh boy!" **runs right in and begins chowing down**

Pofentner: **pukes all over self** "BLEEEEEECCCCCCCCCH!" **runs back outside to play**


Time passes.

MILF: "Dinnertime!"

Pofentner: "Oh boy!" **runs right in and begins chowing down**

Pofentner: **pukes all over self** "BLEEEEECCCCCCCCCCCCH!!!"

MILF: "Dessert time!"

Pofentner: "Oh boy!" **begins chowing down**

Pofentner: **pukes all over self** "BLEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCH!  Oh, man!"

MILF: "Hmmmm."

Voice-over: "Wavu's Hand Soap: 'Because you pretty much have to. Nature is filthy.' "

Pofentner: **continues to puke all over self in kitchen** "BLECH-PUUUUUUUUUUUKE!!!!!!!!!  AHHHHHHHHHH WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?!!!!!!"

MILF: "Hmmmm."

end
>  Friday March 21st 2008  <   "Do something so I can blog about it!!"

Well it is NCAA Tourney time starting yesterday and I have Tourney fever! Nothing but basketball all day and night for the next 11 days. I filled out 10 brackets, with the following team names:

Team O'Diarrhea
Team Slyders (after the White Castle lunch from Wednesday)
Team Pomegranate (after the new Pomegranate 7-up soda)
Team Drew's Crew (after Drew Carey on the Price is Right)
Team Upset
Team Bona-fide (after those Popeye's Chicken commercials & latest catch-phrase)
Team Constipation
Team Tortas (after Friday's lunch)
Team Snow Storm (they just seem to keep coming)
Team Bozo

I was going to use "Team Screaming Veal" but I ran out of brackets & time.  Nothing much that I want to discuss, other than I hope for an early Notre Dame exit, very few upsets and UCLA seems to have the easiest path to the Final Four.  Thursday was a good day with no upsets, but some fuckers happened today including two 13 fucker seeds.  And the van that was the Hoosiers season finally crashed last night in absolute spectacular fashion.  I mean, if you're going to completely fall apart like using a biscuit as a snow shovel because your coach got forced out of his job and ruin your great Freshman season, you certainly accomplished that.  Perhaps Eric Gordon will enjoy being on a lousy team next season as a Knick, Heat or Oklahoma City Sonic. 
>  Saturday March 22nd 2008  <   "Nooooooo I hate going to www.rachaelray.com !!!!!"

Hey!  I don't know who put you out of line, but 'Happy Hour' can NOT last more than 1 hour!  It  is 60 minutes on the dot!  None of this '2 hour Happy Hour 2pm-4pm shit' by Sonic.  You step back in line!
>  Tuesday March 25th 2008  <   "Generation Go Outside And Play."

ALL RIGHT EVERYBODY JUST CALM DOWN!!!!!!!

Apparently today (this morning) was MLB Opening Day.  While I was sleeping the Red Sox and A's kicked off the 2008 season, before I had a chance to set up my fantasy team or make my season predictions.  I really don't understand the whole point of doing this.  In 2000, the Cubs & Mets opened their seasons in Japan on a shitty mound.  In 2004, the Yankees and Devil Rays opened their season in Japan, and now in 2008, the Red Sox and A's are doing it.  It's pointless because baseball is already big in Japan so what's the point?  I don't think the season has ever opened this early on March 25th, and the season doesn't start until March 31st, which is also way too early.  But this time... the Red Sox & A's play two regular season games... and then go back to play more Spring Training games!  That is really retarded.  Stupid as stupid gets.
>  Monday March 24th 2008  <   "Listen to the dope, gonna buy some white man!"

Good thing New York City has all those people to pay for their shit.  The whole new Yankees Stadium project went up another $47 million, that being to the replacement parks they built on and infrastructure, is now up to $245 million, up $195 million a year ago and $135 million a year and a half ago. The total right now is a record $1.885 billion for the entire project.

The Yankees also released some 2009 ticket prices for their new stadium, they have a new section called "Legends Suites", which cost $2,500, up from $1,000.  And the back Legends Suites will be $500.  And apparently season box ticket holders prices aren't really going up, they're just being pushed further back.

So, in the future, baseball tickets will be so expensive and individual seating will be so huge that seats will be individual 5-star hotels that take up 20% of the seating area each and only the 5 richest people on the planet will be able to afford them.  That thought reminds me of a very eerie dream I had one night (which resulted in me getting kicked out of the ballpark) that eventually baseball seating will be nothing but luxury boxes stacked all the way around the baseball diamond.  Kind of reminds me of those enclosed outdoor areas at the College of DuPage.  "This will be the future of baseball".
>  Wednesday March 26th 2008  <   "Woman is fined for improper public use of a banana."

I don't know if this entry would ever actually work, or why I thought of it, and I don't think any news segment should do this, but for some reason, this reminds me of Al Roker.  And if some news station has done this, well that's just sorry.  Another slice of absurd weirdness.  I blame it on reading "The Far Side" while on the can.

News segment on television.

Female Reporter: "Ok, and now our new segment: "What you would look like one hundred and ten pounds thinner!" Ok, Smitty!  Step up!"

Smitty, the 330 pound weatherman steps up.

**Smitty steps up in front of a television green screen, camera shows him standing next to image computer generated Smitty**

Female Reporter: "Not bad!"

Smitty: "I almost look normal!"

Female Reporter: "Ok, here's our anorexic anchor Sheela, who was last seen bingeing on lettuce!  Step up, Sheela!"

**Sheela (who is a brunette) steps up, image comes up, resembling a burnt wooden match**

Female Reporter: "Ohhhhhhh... that's...that's not pretty."

end
>  Thursday March 27th 2008  <   "I didn't know Blutto could read!"

The Apprentice.  Week 13 and the live season finale of season 7, the Celebrity Apprentice.

Oh dear, more wheat grass juice, and one Backdoor Boy forgot his fingernail polish.
Oh this is not looking good for Piers.  I hate this god damn shit of bringing all the fired idiots back.  No more Omarosa!  Ah, so much pressure for Trace and then his fat wife and children come in.  Blech.  Now the Backdoor Boys are whining for their wheat grass juice.  Trace is talking about a show he did with his stomach aching so bad he couldn't move, performed, immediately went to the ER and got 18" of his colon removed.  And now he has a new appreciation of himself. 

Trace & Piers are being judged on ticket sales, auction sales, how they do in general on this one charity event.  The auction part is on, and it appears that Piers is really kicking ass in that, which Trace assumed would happen.  Ah, Trace find's Simon Cowell's phone auction bit "tasteless".  Oh dear!  Trace didn't have time to get the wheat grass juice!  He got the nail polish, he got the knee brace, but no wheat grass juice!  Hopefully the Backdoor Boys stage blows up.  Oh, oh, oh, this is awful.  They SUCK!  Oh this is awful.

Oh and there's CNBC anchors Erin Burnett and Jim baldy Cramer.  What are they doing there?  Pre-taped segment of boardroom after charity event.  Ha!  Piers would have given the Backdoor Boys hell for their nail polish shit.  Trace: "I could beat up the whole band myself."  Pier's auction stuff raised $376,000 as to Trace's  $64,000.   Ticket Sales Trace sold $38,000 vs Pier's $12,000.  Ah, a nice stare-off.  Trace accusing Piers of belittling his auctioneers, saying Piers brought in millionaires that would be no competition for Trace's more modest auctioneers.  Oh dear, that gave Trump something to frown about.  Piers said it was a calculated move to raise the most money.  Piers just has better contacts, plain and simple.

Heh, Piers intentionally kept the food hidden so people would get drunk and bid when they didn't want to.  And Stephen Baldwin has a problem with that.  Piers says it was all about creating atmosphere.  Heh, Piers thinks he's being portrayed as "the Devil" and is explaining the objective of the show was a business game to raise charity money.  Now Trace is all "I'm representin' ma' 12 million people with y'all food allergy!"  Oh dear, now Trace is commending Piers for the spirit in which this task was that "all 6 came together and make it the best possible thing it can be." Oh boy, here comes the Trump "oh this is tough, this is very tough."

Oh, now they bring out Trace for the live audience and everyone loves him. "Nicest guy  ever to ever be in my boardroom".  Now there's Piers, phony applause.  Now the two are at the table.  "He's all American and I'm an evil obnoxious Brit," Piers says sarcastically. Oh now here come the fired turds, oh geez, saving Omarosa for last.  Oh, she's not showing up, now a clip show.  And Gene Simmons is missing shooting some orgy movie in Japan shot by Bob Crane Productions.  Oh now there's the bitch.  Oh good, they're booing her!  HA! Piers: "What's her name?"  HA!  Trump to Carol: "You're CHOKING on live television!"  What the hell, screaming for Stephen Baldwin??  Now some more Q&A with the turds.  Man, it's always snowing on the final live Apprentice here.  Always cold.  Oh, contcentrate, damn it!   Ah of course, 5 to 1 the turds like Trace better.  Piers certainly won't get much help from his turds.

And now here's Gene Simmons, via satellite.   Talking about how his idea for Kodak was right despite losing.  HA!  Kodak's CEO talking to Gene telling him "Gene was wrong, we were right! We doubled our sales!  Customer is always right!"  Oh geez, now he's saying "Trace Adkin is what America messing "Tug of the Heart" " blah blah pick Trace Adkins".  Blah, now Trace is performing a now-#1 hit song of his.  Oh come on!  This is like, "Trace is the best!" kind of party.  This is masturbation!!! Man, Trace sounds like Ray Romano when he sings high.  Blah.  18 minutes left.  And I know how this will end.  Nobody gets fired, but more like "you're hired and the other guy isn't."  Man, Trace of course is the overly-whelming fan favorite.  I of course am conflicted, due to my ties to the US, but Piers is clearly the superior of the business type.

Ah, and Piers brings his wounded war heroes on to present them a check for their rehabilitation center.  Ah, the US Patriotic side of this.  Makes Piers Masturbation Party seem pale in comparison!  He's just some 'ol country singer singing various words of the English alphabet while Piers is raising money for wounded warriors in combat for the United States of America!  Perhaps Trace felt like a Backstreet Boy at this point!

Ah, now the boardroom moment.  Piers again reminding it's a business charity thing.  Raised a half million more dollars than any other winner combined.  Ah, Piers saying he did everything he did to win.  PIERS IS THE CELEBRITY APPRENTICE!!!  Ah that bitch Omarosa has to be pissed, her enemy won, she was busy taking pics on the finale.  Wow, they really wrapped that up quickly!  That was barely 6 minutes!  Yes, it was all about raising money and having the contacts, not some nice guy contest.  They didn't show the turd's reactions, probably because they had none, and after all, this is America and "we like nice guys and happy endings".  It's probably why our economy is pure shit and our dollar is weak as hell and the housing market is in absolute shambles because we didn't want to be the bad guy and not give the stupid idiot people their loan.  Oh well, good night everybody!
>  Friday March 28th 2008  <   "Dolph Rudager is.....adequate."

The Apprentice: the aftermath.  You really have to wonder if Piers would have won and if the crowd would had been as motivated as it was if had he selected a charity for "Charity For Raising Money To Replace Old British Ladies With Frayed Tea Cozies" since his charity was for wounded US soldiers in a very unpopular war.  And again, big business wins with Trump announcing beforehand that he'd donate another $250,000 to the winner of the Celebrity Apprentice.  Trace emphasized that this food allergy thing in the US affects 12 million people, thems 3 million affecting school children and that number is rising every year, and it's rather hard to detect that based on the fact.  I wonder if all these British people would have donated as much as they did to Pier's charity had they known it'd be going to US soldiers.  Perhaps Piers had a political agenda and somehow had a lot of alliances, but those involved seemed to have some connection to 9/11 and the war in general.

Someone should have to ask Trump if he was biased, if the winner he chose who's charity was the more qualified recipient, since he was all busy asking others if they sabotaged or biased towards each other's charities. As with Trump it's "It's not personal, it's just business".  And who knows how many American lives, especially young American lives will be lost because Trump chose veterans over food allergy suffers.  "Your kid may die from eating peanutbutter but they didn't ever serve their country!" Oh wouldn't that be slanted commentary!  9 million non-grade school people suffer from this disease.  How many US war heroes have died or been wounded as compared to this?  Causality of war vs. an annoying everyday problem but treatable instance.  Perhaps Trump has the order of "Natural Selection" in hand, meaning the weakest die and the only the strongest survive.  It's not personal, it's just business.  It's a "Trump World", not a Gene Simmon's Kodak World, which apparently has been running on their website "Kodak World" for years. 

Apparently it's the blog's 4th birthday today, which the Apprentice took precedence. 4 years of inane, confusing writing, profanity, inconsistent writing and posting, cherry popping, general commentary and  overall degenerate counter-productive towards society.  You'd think after 4 years, I'd pick a name.  So far, I have not. These are the possibly current choices:

Tree's Blog
Reflections in the knife
This blog is simply awful.
The second to last blog linked
Gooey Kablooie and the God Damned Motherfuckeredness
Piss On That! (tho that might bring in some weird unwanted people)
Living facetiously
The Greatest Blog In the Universe
Dick Slapper (another that might bring in some weird unwanted people)
Turd Furgeson's blog
>  Saturday March 29th 2008  <   "My toilet.  My toilet.  My toilet!  My toooooilllllet!"

Well the blog is now Day 2 into Year 4, and you would think it would get better, but it has not.  Still just an awful blog. 

Apparently these NBA teams will have new home and road uniforms next season: the Nuggets, Timberwolves, Magic, Kings, and Hornets, plus the Bucks will be getting a new alternate design. 

I can only imagine the Bucks alternate will be red.  The Nuggets, Magic and Kings all just changed their uniforms within the past few years, and the Magic have a clean classic look going on right now, so I don't get it.  Timberwolves look sucks, with all those stupid pointy letters and terribly condensed font.

Guess I didn't mention this yet, but the city of Seattle and the Sonics are trying to reach an agreement to keep the Sonics name and colors in Seattle when they move to Oklahoma City either this summer or in 2010.  So that means the club will need new colors and a new name.  Please, no more cats or birds.  The NBA has enough of those.  
>  Monday March 31st 2008  <   "mmm illustrated laughing square"







And now it's time for another edition of "Ask Porter"

Dear Porter

Your advice of "wait and see 'n wing it" has ruined my life. I can honestly say it was the worst piece of advice I have ever gotten in my life.  How do you sleep at night?? ~Roger

Dear Roger
I sleep on mattress with sheets in varying thickness and rest my head on a pillow.

Porter,
The advice you gave me was completely wrong (no my boss did not appreciate me telling him what I really thought of him, how incompetent he was and things in general and I lost my $250,000 a year job because of it and now nobody in my field will hire me) and quite frankly, I don't think most of the advice you give to people is right.  I think it's wrong.  DEAD WRONG!!! ~Skip

Skip,
The idea of arguing via in a newspaper advice column space is like fighting on the internet, which is like winning the Running Event in the Special Olympics: you're still a retard.  However, since I am an advocate of senseless violence, I would like to give you an address on where we can meet and we can finally settle our differences in a gruesome bloody battle that will result in one of our deaths.  Meet me at 1140 S. Pofentner Drive in Augratin, NY.
[editor's note: Dolph Rudager actually gave the address to a notoriously violent gang area, home of the Van DeKamp Boys, and Skip was found beaten to death in a bloody pulp in the street.  Dolph Rudager found Skip to be a rather annoying pissant and didn't want to be bothered with anymore.]

Dear Porter
I am a middle aged mother who has a young teenage daughter and my old menopausic over-bearing mother lives in our home.  My mother is useless.  She doesn't work, she refuses to get a job, she gets high on nail polish fumes every morning and gets high on my daughter's A.D.D. medication and listens to rather annoying degenerate adult-menopausic AM talk radio, and when I ask her to please answer the phone for me, suddenly she's "too busy" and dashes out of the room.  I want to teach my mother the error of her ways and fix her, but I really don't know what to do. ~Middle Aged Sandy

Dear Sandy
You don't???  Ship her off to some 3rd class old people home.  Why?  Because you know you really can't change mothers.  They don't change.  Like apples and dead fish, they only get worse with age.

Dear Porter,
I really don't understand the advice you gave me. ~anonymous

Dear stupid
Maybe YOU'RE too stupid to understand it.  That's why I'M the advice columnist and that's why my answers are in bold because my words are more important than yours.

Dear Porter,
After you gave me the advice "to burn this motherfucker down to the ground", via the Anthony Anderson scene in the movie "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle", I am no longer employed at the Lid Lock Jar Restaurant (an establishment I spent my whole life striving for and after an expensive culinary education) and cannot find any work in my field anymore, and the only place that would hire me was the local zoo in the position of Turd Keeper.  And I'm not even that, I'm "assistant to the head Turd Keeper", which is actually pretty lousy, because all it is of the head Turd Keeper telling me to deal with all the turd business from the animals.  I really don't like this job at all and I am literally neck-deep in turds.  Well?? ~Joe

Dear Joe,
Wait and see 'n wing it.
>  Sunday March 30th 2008  <   "America's Naughtiest Home Videos"

Well it Day 3 of the 4th year of the Untitled Daily Column Project, and yet unlike the stupid cheap U.S. Postal Service whom is full of filthy flea-ridden I.Q.-absent degenerates, the blog DOES deliver on Sundays. ~2,190,323,404th deserved cheap shot at the U.S. Postal Service

Yesterday the Red Sox / Dodgers played an exhibition game at the L.A. Coliseum where 115,300 fans were expected, which broke the previous record, of about 114,000 attended an exhibition between the Australian national team and an American services team during the 1956 Melbourne Olympics.  As you of course know, the Dodgers played there from 1958-1961 (it took them 4 fucking years to build the ballpark??) and won the 1959 World Series there, at the expense of the Chicago White Sox.  Featured in yesterday's game was again the bullshit 201 feet down the left-field line to a 62-foot high fence, 300 feet into the right-field corner.  If they played in that stadium, and a non-vegan Prince Fielder or Manny Ramirez or Big Papi or Ryan Howard would end up hitting 90 homeruns each every year.  Hell even Scott Podsednik would probably hit 40 homeruns there.  Just do your bullshit Wally Dodger Moon shit and get under that ball and lift it.  Kevin Cash and Kevin Youkillis both hit cheap shots as the Red Sox beat the Dodgers 7-4. 

Well the Chicago Tribune has pulled yet another turd.  Despite the average age of the actual newspaper reader getting older, they continue to shrink the paper and make everything smaller and harder to read to the point that you need a fucking magnifying glass.  Once, which was a huge, spacious area fulled with giant, colorful comics, is now just a mere tabloid-style of 12 pages of comics 'n shit 'n advertisements.  The old (and ever shrinking standard) was 24" across, 22" tall has now been reduced to 22" across and 12" high.  Replacing the 6 page old 12" by 24" standard. 

Now let's have some not-fun math and figure out how much paper the Tribune is saving by doing this.  12" x 14" = 288" square inches.  288" x 6 pages = 1728" square inches of comic paper. 

The new 11" x 12" = 132" square inches.  132" x 12 pages = 1584" square inches, with a difference of 144" square inches being saved.  If this the Tribune's idea of cutting costs, it's getting really ridiculous.  Classic Peanuts, which was found on Page 4 and printed in the 2nd largest panel size (#1 being "Baby Blues" which makes my bowels explode) used to take up 3 11/16th" x 24" =  88.5" square inches, is now a mere 3 1/4" x 12" =  39" square inches, a loss of 49.5" square inches of space, and being reduced to daily strip panel size and in some cases, even smaller.  Somewhere Bill Watterson is rolling in his grave.  If you recall, sometime in the early 1990s Bill Watterson changed the style of his Sunday "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip, to a more square-like format as opposed to a wider, narrower rectangle.  This of course created trouble for some newspapers, who suddenly had to redesign their layouts to fit his new layout, which resulted in resizing which in return resulted from Watterson bitching and making boycott threats.  Ultimately, he won in the end, because he was right & was sick and tired of seeing the Sunday comics shrink and shrink, and "Bloom County / Outland / Opus / I Need Money" creator Berekley Breathed also complained in the past, tired of drawing daily comics that "were reduced to postage stamp size". 

But the question remains: why am I still getting ink on my fingers???

2008 picks on Wednesday's blog.
1