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| > Tuesday March 29th 2005 < "I'll pepper your steak!!!" Wow, found this little doozy hidden deep in my archives. I dunno if I finished it or not, but it starts out slow, then the tempo goes up & turns into a hard rocker. LESBIANS (D. Rudager) walking past the tree she goes hailing for a cab baggy sweater and slacks why do you dress so drab? a smile and a sign, "you can't go on this ride." Lesbians don't like you Lesbians don't want you Lesbians pay you no mind Lesbians will make you cry Lesbians pay no fines Lesbians wait in no lines Lesbians will break your heart and your arm. ((french horn solo)) crew-cut, mull-et, nie....... lip-stick, lez-bo, nie....... you'll never see the lesbian... you eat the poon, eat the poon, eat the poon, eat the poon! ah Godddddddddddddddddddddd pooner *grunt* carpet muncher eats the poon, eats the poon tearing up the rug ((fade out))) |
| > Wednesday March 30th 2005 < "Lip Zip." GET BACK! (D. Rudager) **10 minute guitar solo ** Jerry was a bagel baker, froooooom the east side of town, where the Rabbi's groove. the Jews, alllllways clownin' around Maaaaakin' cooper wire from the pennies. Chorus: Get Back! Get Back! Get Back to where you once belonged! (repeat) She was a faaaaan, of Japanese Conceptional Art. She turned around, brooooke up the band, ruined the lives of all the people in the land. Get Back! Get Back! Get Back to where you once belonged! (repeat) Babu was a Pakistani, borrrrrn in another land Always heard it 'round, donnnnn't dig no Pakistani's, taaaaaakin' all the people's jobs So! Get Back! Get Back! Get Back to where you once belonged! **3 minute guitar solo** |
| > Thursday March 31st 2005 < "Oli-Oli Mon... was a Puerto Rican, born in another land..." Beatles Album ranking: Hmmm.... 1. Revolver 2. Let It Be 3. *Past Masters Vol II 4. Sgt Peppers 5. Abbey Road 6. Rubber Soul 7. White Album 8. Magical Mystery Tour 9. Beatles for Sale 10. A Hard Days Night 11. Please Please Me 12. With the Beatles 13. Help 14. Yellow Submarine * - post Beatles release Probably the most solid and most enjoyable Beatles album (Revolver) with pretty much the only annoying and weak part is the popular "Here, There and Everywhere" & "Good day, Sunshine", which brings out the wimpy side of hippyland. Surprisingly, I'm a huge fan of the Phil Spector produced "Let It Be" album. I always enjoyed the songs (especially Dig a Pony, I've Got a Feeling, Two of Us) despite all of the circumstance behind record this. Hopefully someday we'll all be treated with the long over-due "Beatles Black Album". Why Past Masters Volume 2 on this list?? I discovered this little jewel after I had heard all of the other Help-post albums. The first 4 songs are just top-notch and really should had been on albums if it weren't for the bullshit of selling singles over albums back in the day. The worst song is the annoyingly Hindu "The Inner Light" which has been omitted from future listenings. Ah the Pepper. I listened to this album night and day for 2 consecutive weeks in 1996 (could, it was summer break) and I remember being blown away by it; mostly because like most of the people who first heard it in May of 1967, I didn't know any Beatles music that was to come after that album and only a few select songs before Pepper; plus my only music experience was listening to the oldies station for years. Abbey Road. A lot of bad memories with this album, but god damn it's great, even with the corny "Maxwell's Silver Hammer". This is the Beatles at their strongest production-wise. Rubber Soul still comes back to haunt me, just when I thought I had grown sick of it. And as for the White Album, I spent far too much time listening to the first half of the first CD and have forgotten how good the 2nd disc was, minus the ultra-gay "Honey Pie" and the pointless "Revolution 9" (both omitted) But it has the great "Long, Long, Long", "Helter Skelter" "Yer Blues" "Blackbird" "Cry Baby Cry / Can You Take Me Back Where I Come From" and the wonderfully sarcastic "Sexy Sadie" of Lennon commenting on their bogus trip to India. Magical Mystery Tour; aka Sgt. Pepper's jr. What do you get when you compulsively over-produce an album, with a bunch of strange songs which make no sense? A farce! This was actually an EP of 6 songs, with the latter 5 added on in the American version, with it ending with the huge farce "All You Need Is Love". And suffice to say, there's a much better piano/acoustic-driven version of "The Fool On The Hill" on the Anthology II. It's really an album of 11 singles; most which are pretty decent. Blah blah blah the rest I only have listened to a few times since they are still new to me, but as you can tell, in the early days, the Beatles songs were very much hit and miss, or embarrassingly crappy, or just a cover. Yellow Submarine obviously gets the worst rating, but for some reason, I never warmed up to Help. Maybe it from standing in line like a fucking idiot at Best Buy for 2 hours during Christmastime in '96 and we've all heard "Yesterday" to death and most of these songs pretty much suck to me. I can see why they started taking drugs and listening Dylan after recording this mess. Haha. |
| > Wednesday March 16th 2005 < "check between his toes!!" Yesterday I became a member of the 30,000 games played club from yahoo's Pyramids. I have to say, if I didn't have so much time to kill using dial-up, it would have never happened. Go me! Randomness: Raffy was roid raging there for a minute . -o- note to self: always have pen and paper handy. lost too many ideas. -o- Haha @ shoving a running water hose up someone's ass. I wonder with enough pressure could the water come back out through the mouth, hmm?? -o- writing things down = incriminating evidence. |
| > Thursday March 17th 2005 < "I'm not Irish, but I'm drunk enough to be." Happy St. Patrick's Day! Now drink and fight!! It's my favorite holiday of the year!!! Now it's time for some green beer, NCAA basketball and puking! Here's to all things green today! And here's some advice for ye: "Ye drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and fight and fight and fight and fight!!" -o- "Dude, I don't think those hams and eggs are supposed to be green." Dude: "Ooooooooh what a hallucination!! I got the idea from this book!" "What the hell kind of book is this?? Some kind of drug-reference folk lore??" |
| > Wednesday March 9th 2005 < "Inferior Ambulance Co." A scene from the old Bob Newhart show last night. Middle-aged & chidless couple Emily and Bob climb into bed for the evening reflecting on babying sitting a friend's 8 year old son from the day. Emily: "Boy, it sure was nice to hear the sound of a little one running around, today." Bob: **slightly nods head** Emily: "Boy, it sure isn't tough being a substitute teacher these days." Bob: "um.. **stutters for a bit** .. why..why isn't it?" Emily: " 'Cause we live in the very Liberal city of Chicago during the early 1970s, Bob. And we're very Liberal modern old people." Bob: "oh. **looks around** well, Emily... I guess the only that there's left to do is suck the dick, and uh, cock." Emily: "No, Bob, that's a terrible idea! I won't do it!" Bob: "k." **turns out the lights** END Classic television indeed! Damn it, they just don't write sitcoms like they used to! |
| > Wednesday March 2nd 2005 < "she likes to fuck around. Fuck around!" Damn it. I have no theme for today's column; so I'm just going to use random fragments. wine is a waste of use of grapes. i'd rather just drink the grape juice. The ethnic reporter on WGN news (I dunno if he's Latino or Asian) referred to NHL Commissioner Bettman as "Batman" I had an idea of posting little icons (like say, 20x20 pixels) of logos depicting the topics covered in a column (a baseball, a television, or a piece of cheese, a tv set, a music note for a song / poem, etc). But then of course, if people saw that, they'd go right away "oh THIS column is on hockey! I don't give two fucking shits about hockey! Blah! Blah! Puke!" And of course, it would just cluttered up the column. I want cheese. Every time I hear the Beatles' "White Album", I think of nacho cheese & tortilla chips and fruit punch soda. Of course, that is what I was eating while I first listened to that album some 9 years ago. A recent biased TV commercial on CBS showed an extremely fat teenager (big surprise) presenting his school report in a classroom on comparing the accuracy of weather reports on the big 5 stations in Chicago. Fatty goes on to stating that CBS had by far the best. The worst? Fox, of course. And judging by a bar graph, the CBS bar was barely a half-inch high, while the Fox one towered over everyone else (by at least 10 inches over CBS, generally.) And it's true, tho. Fox likes to play with your dick and give out false temperature forecasts (like yesterday it was like 22 degrees with a strong cold wind & said it was going to be 40 as predicted a few days ago.) I also don't see the point to having 7-day or even 5-day forecasts, especially since most of us rarely even remember or care what the weather will be by then, and weather changes so much in a matter of a few days. If anything, those pro-longed forecasts are like "Oh shit. It's going to rain on Friday and Saturday. God damn it." There's a lot of things missing from the "Chompblog". Like missed follow-up stories; missed Best-of lists. |
| > Tuesday March 1st 2005 < "Make time for the roaches." Ah! It's a new month! Happy March! And a new color scheme! The official colors are kelly green and old athletic gold. Plus March has my favorite holiday of the year: St. Patrick's Day! Now if I only had something to fill this new entry with! Hmm............ hmmmmm........................ ................................................................. Hmmmmmmmm. Let's see.... the stupid Oscars were on Sunday night, thus ruining my favorite night of television viewing pleasure. Because of that stupid awards ceremony, Fox just gave up and decided to show "Independence Day" for like 3 hours; a movie which I've never seen nor do I care to. I accidentally caught a few minutes worth while flipping thru the channels, and man does it look lame. There's nothing like bad acting, a stupid script and annoying actors to ruin a movie. Of course, I've lost all respect for big-budget movies; especially since fatass Kevin James' movie "H-Bitch" spent two weeks as # 1 (my premonition that the world is going to end soon). I'll stick with independent films & low-budget films that don't appeal to a mass idiot audience, thank you. Now let's continue with the avant-garde piece and get to the Oscars. Apparently viewership was down by over 2 million people; thus another sign that fewer and fewer people give a shit about these stupid award ceremonies for phony actors. And as aforementioned on here, Hilary Skank hosted SNL and did poorly; relying way too much on cue cards; stumbled & badly lost her place in a scene which is probably the most embarrassing moment for an SNL host ever; and she looks like a man. And guess what? She won some best actress award from some movie. Sure as hell coulda fooled me! Chris Rock hosted. And guess what? I still didn't care. Nothing is worth my time of watching a bunch of actors receive a trophy; no matter how much glamour and hype that goes into it to make me think it's something actually important. And I'd still wouldn't watch even if the king of late night TV Conan O'Brien hosted. I couldn't bare to sit thru a few hours of boring speeches to hear 15 scattered minutes of Conan jokes. Oh yes, btw, they started showing "(Johnny) Carson's Comedy Classics" on TV. You know, back when the Tonight Show was actually funny. I laughed more in 13 minutes of C'sCC than I have in the past few years of the Tonight Show. C'sCC is a half an hour program shown at 10:30pm (the same time as Leno) and shows the skits / bits Carson and McMahon did from the late 60s to the early 80s. I dunno about you, but Leno has changed over the years. He doesn't do any characters or sketches anymore (other than the horribly over-used & worn-out Jaywalking and Headlines) and he acts like he's too cool to do the show. And I won't even dare watch Letterman. He's like a weird old uncle who has cat skins drying in the shed. And yes, Ed McManon eats dog food. |
| > Thursday March 3rd 2005 < "Would anyone really *want* to eat 33 shrimp for $10.99?" I really don't know what the motivation behind sports writers is anymore. Here we are, Mike Downey from the Trib bitching about how Ron Santo should be in the HOF and how it "irks me to no end" that Wade Boggs got a 91.9% approval rating into the HOF. 1st off, YOU'RE the stupid dumb motherfucker who helped put Boggs in! A few months ago when all of this shit was being announced, writers wrote and explained why they choose who they did. And of course, he chose Boggs (which I recall he voted for the max. amount of players to go in, which is 10). If you don't want him in the HOF, don't vote for him! It was just another case of "well my peers are voting for him, and he has the stats so I might as well vote for him too." Well Mike Downey, you are a fucking hypocrite and your columns suck. Go back to LA. Speaking of LA, he mentions that the LA Times bans their employees from voting on HOF candidates; which the Chicago Tribune is considering too. HAHA, if the Trib did that, then you will never seen another Cub get into the HOF. 2nd off, this proves once again what all of us non-Cubs & non-Ron Santo fans already know: "He is NOT a Hall of Fame baseball player!!" Some people just can't grasp that the Hall of Fame is for "the very best" not the "very good". Sure, Santo was a very good player, but he's not amongst the elite. If they ever make a "Hall of Fame for the very good" Santo would make it. I don't know why as a baseball fan I hold the standards of the HOF so high but I do; just like the some 80 members on the Veterans Committee. For the 2nd time since that Committee was revamped (after a career .260 hitter got into the HOF from the old 15-man panel); no old timer was voted into the HOF. And who's on the new Veteran's Committee? Hall of Famers. I can't blame them for not wanting to let someone else in. Of course, it's a 75% majority that's needed to get a player in the HOF, but apparently 52 of the 80 members think Santo is HOF worthy (65%). And of course, Santo was bitching that "2 year inbetween votes is too long of a time". Of course, knowing his health condition, he probably won't make it to the next voting. |
| > Friday March 4th 2005 < "I"m gonna staple his ass to his face!" And now, it's time for some twigs and berries. Well tomorrow the Illini will be going for their perfect season of 30-0 against Ohio St. And of course, it's just like a sports team in Illinois, to go perfect and the chance of not being ranked as # 1 in the Tournament. Apparently North Carolina is "better". The Bears announced an increase in ticket prices. Tickets will rise $3 to $5 for half of the non-club level seats from $50 to $85. Club level seats will go up $7 to $15 and will fetch between $202 to $330. I never realized that going 4-12 and being the 4th worst team in the NFL meant you were entitled to screw your fans over even more! Here's an idea: how about after every losing season, you lower ticket prices and raise them / keep them from winning seasons? When you're putting a shitty product on the field, I don't think you should be raising ticket prices. Athlete Karma: Remember Maurice Clarett? The cocky motherfucker who won a national championship with Ohio St in 2002-03 as a freshman and decided he was good enough to enter the NFL draft before he was eligible and got denied and then tried to sue the NFL and lost? Well, he ran two shitty 40-yard dashes (at like 5.7 seconds or something) and would not be considered to be drafted. Well now he's been banned from Ohio St's "Pro Day Workouts" because hasn't been enrolled in the past year. Now, logically, wouldn't it had been better if he actually stayed on the team and met the proper requirements? Now he's stuck. AFL, here we come! |
| > Saturday March 5th 2005 < "how about I shit on your face and call it a sundae?" And now it's time for more twigs and berries. "Nooooooo NBC! I don't want to watching stupid skiing! Noooooooo! I want to see a real sport! God damn it I hate Saturday TV." You ever watch golf? You ever notice how sometimes they shout out profanity? Tiger Woods is notorious for being a swear-spewer. I've heard him scream "fuck" "god damn it" "shit" on live TV. Sometimes watching golfers is funny. He'll scream "FUCK!" right after he tees-off the ball and will get really pissed, and the shot (which lands like 8 seconds later) turns out to be an excellent one, and he's laughing. Lol Of course, he is one angry golfer. That's why I turn the sound up during tee shots. Tho probably my favorite part of golf, is when the tee shot goes awry into the crowd. Now keep in mind, these are professional golfers, and they hit the ball anywhere from 175 yards to 360 yards from the tee, and the fairway is usually 50 to 100 yards wide to hit the ball into. But of course, we'll see the shank or slice, and it'll go rocketing into the crowd and it'll hit spectators!! Yeah!! I saw one ball land in the middle of spectators and it bounced within 1 foot behind some couple pushing a baby stroller. Of course, If I was a spectator, I'd be making all kinds of noise during the ever-crucial tee shot. I'd mock them: "Oooooooh, look at the fucking golfer, everybody! Watch the cock biter hit the fucking ball with his fucking club!" After a bad shot or missed close putt: "ah-hahahahahaha!" very loudly. Or I'd sneeze or belch or bark during his swing. Or maybe I'd break out the air horn and play with that. Or light some firecrackers. Or release some gophers. I'd shout out advice. "come ON! just hit the fucking ball already!!" "Aim for the crowd!" "C'mon you cocksucker!" "This guy's got nothing, oh yeaaaaaaaaaah!" And during crucial putts: "don't CHOKE!!" "Ahhhhhhhhhss-hoooooooole!" "It's going to break to the left!!" "Miss!" I'd like to see a golfer go nuts after blowing a crucial putt. Like chucking his putter into the water, or breaking it over his knee, or stomping around like a gorilla screaming "Fucccccccccck! Ahhhhhhh-ss! Shittttttttttttt!! Fuckerrrrrrrrrrr! God damnnnnn itttttttt fucking fuckerrrrrrrr!" and digging his spikes into the putting green and kicking up chunks of grass. Or while he's teeing off, he suddenly turn quickly and aim his shot right into the crowd or a building. Or scream at the crowd: "Oh shut the fuck up! I don't need your pity applause!" Or maybe, just maybe for once, when a player has to hit his ball between some trees, I'd like to see the ball hit the tree and ricochet back at the player or someone in the crowd, and we'd get to hear the ball hitting the person and them falling down. Hahaha! |
| > Sunday March 6th 2005 < # 1 Illinois 64, Ohio St. 65 - F I can't believe they lost! And all because of some stupid fucking inbred piece of shit on Ohio St. that just had to hit that 3-pointer. And even tho I'm not a real Illini fan per se, I hate to see a perfect season from a basketball team in Illinois get fucking ruined by 1 fucking point at the last game. I mean, come the fuck on. You want to tell me why Illinois was destined to lose this game??? East Coast Media Bias. Well you fucking assholes. You got exactly what you wanted. A team from the Midwest had its perfect season ruined by someone in the Eastern Time Zone. You people act like your teams are superior to all other teams. Sports Illustrated. You worthless piece of shit. I hate everything about your being. You and your stupid Cover Curse; putting Dee Brown on the cover of this week's issue. The Illini kicked the shit out of Purdue, but then look what happened. If I ever see an issue of your magazine, I will rip it to shreads. Your magazine has wasted so much time in people's lives & ruined so many lives and your swimsuit issue is outdated and pathetic and stupid. Indiana. Well your fucking precious last perfect season from 1976 is still intact. All the other media. Face it. The Midwest & Chicago gets ignored by all of the media and nobody ever respects any of the teams, except they over-hype the Cubs to death, which isn't justified. I still think many people hate Chicago for the fact that the Bulls won 6 championships during 8 years, which is a lifetime in NBA years. And whoever that inbred white guy was on Ohio St that hit the perfect season ruining 3-pointer.... I hope he has the sense to never visit to Champaign because he won't make it out without a bruise or sucker punch. It's another reason to hate Ohio St. I can't wait for baseball season. |
| > Monday March 7th 2005 < "Maybe I just like to fucking swear, god fucking damn it." "And now it's time for another episode of the O'Neglecto Family! Starring college educated husband Jack and his smarter wife Boobie with her 3 Master's degrees! And their infant child.... Junior.!" Jack: "You ready to go to the Giants game, Boobs? It's a 4 to 5 hour trip." Boobie: "Alright, let me just put Jr. back in his crib and give him some Nyquil." The next day. Boobie and her female friend Emily are sitting around the kitchen table and gabbing as usual. Boobie: "Man, am I well rested!" **smiles** Emily: "Boobs, how do you do it? You went to a Giants game yesterday, went to Red Lobster for dinner, watched the "Desperate Housewives" marathon and played video games until 1am; and you have a 5 week old inbred infantile. How do you do it??" Boobie: "Well! Me and Jack have our ways." **chuckle** Emily: "Right." Boobie: "We figure, 'who's in charge here, hmm??' " Emily: "Right." Boobie: "So we figure, once the baby starts crying, it'll tire itself out and eventually it will just give up." Emily: " ...." Boobie: "So we check on Jr. a few times to day to give him some food and stuff." Emily: "And your 'well-rested' part?" Boobie: "Well we just stuck his crib downstairs in a nice, small insulated closet & close the door so we don't have our sleep interrupted at all. It's very important to develop good consistent sleeping habits." Emily: "mmhmm." **sips coffee** Boobie: "Oh it's great! I leave him alone for hours at a time. I am so glad we didn't have to invest in one of those stupid and costly baby car seats. I can go out shopping alone in peace; we go to restaurants without having to drag some screaming brat along. We go to the theatre, trade shows without the rugrat...." **sips coffee** Boobie: "... 'babying' a child is so over-rated. I never knew raising a baby my way could be so easy!" Emily: "You are certainly unorthodox." Boobie: "If Jr. shits himself, he's not going anywhere, and neither is that poop. We'll get to it when we get to it. It's not like it's going to die or anything." Emily: "So true." Boobie: "And I'm sure as hell not going to breast feed him. You think I want him sucking on my nipples and extracting their tasty juice? I don't want him to grow up having an infatuation with women's breasts. And he'll thank me that he didn't have to 'suck mommy's tit'. " Emily: "Oh nobody wants a son who grabs women's chests." Boobie: "And why the hell does Jr. have to whine so much? **shouts towards Jr's closet** Tough it out, Jr.!!!" **sips coffee** Emily: "That doesn't sound like something Dr. Fill would say." Boobie: "Well Dr. Fill is just some fat-ass chain-eating steak mauler who really knows less than he fucking lets on." Emily: "I know some people who want to put you on his show. And some judge shows, too." Boobie: "Oh don't get me started on those shows! How I HATE those shows! I want to smack them all right in their smug self-righteous faces and shove a stapler up their ass!" Emily: "I don't like those shows either, Boobs. Very boring and it's all the same shit. Low-life's bitching about their stupid petty problems that no one really gives a shit about. What's sad is they will never know how much we mock and laugh at them." Boobie: **packs it up** "Alright! Ready to do some shoe shopping?! I hear the Shoe Barn has a 13 hour sale!" Emily: "Let's go!" Boobie: "First lemme duct tape little Jr. & his blanket in place in his crib so he doesn't move around or anything." Emily: "C'mon, Boobs! We only have 11 1/2 hours left!!!" Boobie: "Awww screw it!" **drops duct tape and sprints out the door** END This story was written by Dolph Rudager. The editor was Dolph Rudager. This story has been proofed by Dolph Rudager. This story has been re-edited by Dolph Rudager. This story has been subjected to approval by Dolph Rudager. This story is copyrighted by Dolph Rudager. �2005 3/6 by Dolph Rudager. |
| > Tuesday March 8th 2005 < "i can't believe they haven't invented a cheese-filled donut." Ask the writer. Where do you get your ideas for your column skits? "Usually from a quote I said or thought, and I build the story around that one idea or quote. Sometimes I'll think of something out of the blue during work, or while on the comp or from IMing." What about the rest of the column ideas? "Well, that's usually from the newspaper or something I read online. Sometimes television, too. Sometimes I'll wake up early and jot down some ideas on what ever I can find; like the back of bank statements; the back of receipts. Usually the columns that were written after waking up early in the morning are the most bizarre." What about other blogs? "I only read a few of those.... and it's a very select few. I notice in some blogs people just copy and paste things from other websites, which is something I don't like to do, but sometimes I will to illustrate a point. I usually don't let other blogs influence my own writing since I want to be as much of "mine" as possible." How do you decide on the length of a story? "I don't. It's as long as it has to be. Once in a while I may edit it and remove certain lines that seem like filler, but I'll usually leave them in, just for shits. What may not seem as funny to me might be really funny to someone else." Now, let's discuss your column's traffic, and.... "Let's not. Next question." Why do you have so many god damn columns on sports?? "Maybe I like sports. I find sports to be a wonderful time consumer, since I hate so much television, that including cop and lawyer shows, news celebrity shows, judge shows, talk shows, soaps, sci-fi. So comedy and sports is pretty much the only thing left out there. And that's what 95% of the columns are about." What do you when you don't feel like writing? "Well, I don't write, then, fucking duh. I feel Top 5 lists are great filler material when I have nothing to say at all." Why are most of your columns a day or 4 late? "Sometimes the inspiration isn't there, you know? I'll have days where nothing will intellectually stimulate me or I won't find something that translates well on to paper. The days will be filled up with something. Very rarely are any blogs updated daily, let alone on time. Deadlines are stupid. It'll get done when it gets done." Why do you use so much profanity? "Maybe I like to fucking swear, god fucking damn it." What thing bothers you the most? "Mucus. Oh, and that most people don't use a spell check when they write. "Learn how to fucking proofread your fucking words, you fucking idiots! Is it really that much harder to type a damn Y and O before the letter U??" I bet these people's English teachers are rolling in their graves." What are the most embarrassing things about writing a column? "Mistakes. Finding grammar mistakes which I somehow missed 2 or 3 times. Finding spelling mistakes after the damn thing has been up there posted for 4 days. Looking back at material from months ago and realizing "what the hell was I thinking then??" |
| > Thursday March 10th 2005 < "Just one of the many false interviews" The homemade Quizno's Steakhouse beef dip clone sub: one 6" to 8" piece of french roll bread any of the following cold cuts: turkey, ham, roast beef. mayonnaise basil oregano marjoram au jus juice small bowl for dipping Pretty much found this out on a whim: I sliced open the french roll in half; put any combo of cold cut meats on it, then i dab on the mayonnaise (it appears the white sauce in the Quizno sub is that) and liberally add the herbs onto the mayonnaise (important - if you don't have one of the herbs, it doesn't matter. They all pretty much taste the same). For me, I had concentrated au jus juice, so I had to boil a half of cup of water, poured it into the small bowl, added a teaspoon of au jus and stirred. The key to the sandwich is that the au jus is heated up to the point of boiling. Cheese is really not necessary for this sandwich. Basically, I just dipped the end of the sandwich into the hot / warm au jus juice and viola! Instant clone. I'm sure you could achieve the same results with small dinner rolls (toast them before or after or not at all, if you want). I actually used Hellm*n's mayonnaise, which I almost never use because I'm a miracle whip guy, but seriously, MC is too tangy for this sandwich. |
| > Friday March 11th 2005 < "You can't spell "MVP" without "MP". a sandwich: The Dick Slapper. Toast two pieces of bread. On top of one piece of toast: a few slices of cold cut turkey a few squirts of ranch dressing (not spread) sprinkle some parmesan cheese top with lettuce On top of the other piece of toast: a few slices of cold cut ham some miracle whip spread around a few squirts of honey mustard top with lettuce Now slap those two fuckers together and slice. The end. |
| > Saturday March 12th 2005 < "it's better to be safe than fat." ~CCC ....... "BAD uh yeah come on BAD BAD Come on Come on BAD You're so... BAD MADtv is BADtv. BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!" end Haha, that made me laugh. And of course, it was said by an SNL elitist smug asshole. -o- Let's see, it's Saturday, so here's a top 5 list. Top 5 favorite color schemes. 1. Brown and yellow 2. Kelly green and yellow 3. Powder blue and yellow 4. Navy blue and red 5. Maroon and orange. -o- You are now watching BADtv. BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
| > Sunday March 13th 2005 < "i think i'd be happier without the STDs." Well let's see..it's Sunday. Last night, the 30 minutes I saw of MadTV was pretty good. The opening sketch was Michael MacDonald doing his Dr. Phil impression (which is much better than Jeff Richard's Dr. Phil on SNL, who left the show after a few months because he wasn't happy with SNL). Which of course, after catching a few episode of Dr. Phil lately, it was pretty funny. In the short sketch, Dr. Phil ends up getting stabbed, drunk with the maid, and punches two women. Then there was a Michael Jackson sketch, which was very dance-choreographed, complete with bullshit jury, "Jesus Juice" aka red wine to minors, and a non-guilty verdict. It seems apparent that MadTV puts more effort into one sketch than SNL does for a whole show. Then there was the Bobby Lee sketch, where he played this Asian ghetto guy trying to pick up chicks. It was so stupid, but it made me laugh. Then of course, SNL with David Spade. Blah blah blah him impersonating Martha Stewart, then the pointless monologue promoting the best of SNL David Spade, the stupid "modern art people" sketch, then a sketch of shooting a movie with Vin Diesel (what the hell kind of name is that??) where Spade's stunt double was a woman. This was pretty funny, but it would have been the last sketch of the show 10 years ago. Let me say this right now.... the once strongest point of the show is now the weakest: Weekend Update sucks. Listen Fey and Peohler....being to "be cute" is not funny!! And there's nothing worst than some 35 year old middle aged white women trying to act ghetto, a la "Amy Poehler's Hip Hop Minute". You know what else would had been nice? ANYTHING. But specifically, Spade's "Hollywood Minute" should had been on here instead, since it was like one of the only two bits he did (the other being a smartass secretary). It's hard to believe that David Spade has been the most "successful" cast member to leave as in air-time, where he's been in hundred's of episodes of horrible tv shows and commercials; tho Sandler has probably made the most money. And I still don't get Sanz's "Pepe" bit. Then we had an awkward sketch where Spade played this guy in a jail cell named "Spider" who was wearing a Randy Rhoades t-shirt. Insert here some 3-minute fake commercial to fill up time, then some bizarre singing duo sketch of Spade and Mya Rudolph, who I swear her only point on the show is to sing in sketches. I did not really get this sketch at all and it just flew right over my head. Then we had the "Sean Penn roast's Clint Eastwood", which the whole point of this sketch is to show that Penn has no sense of humor or a concept of "the roast." Next, we had Bear City. **theme** "Bear City! Bear, bear city!". Oh how I love this. It's about how some nuclear explosion in some town caused all of the humans to live underground / die, and all of the bears to take over their society and live & act like people; living in their houses, working at the people's jobs; where even getting a pack of cigarettes is difficult for the average bear. This 5th episode explains how the last two living humans in town were mauled to death by a gang of bears, and we learn how embarrassing it is for a walking bear to get caught using the public cripple's toilet. Basically, the bear needed to take a shit....but all of the stalls were in use, except for the handicrap one. So the bear decides to use it, until a moment later, a bear in a wheelchair rolls in to use that stall, and peeks in between the door crack and gets pissed to see the bear in there isn't crippled. So naturally, the bear tried to cover his legs with his newspaper while sitting on the can. Of course, the walking bear gets the hell out of there, and the bear runs away fast. What's funny about this, is that they can actually show the bear's sitting on the toilet from any angle, because their genitalia is covered up by fur, which opens up a world of comedic possibilities. Then we had about 15 minutes of real commercials, then the music guest which I really don't pay attention to, and then the final sketch, about Spade played a redneck mud rodeo fair or something and was screaming to "come on down". How to rate this? Inconclusive! I'm not used to seeing Spade on SNL for such long periods of time. |
| > Monday March 14th 2005 < "check between his toes!!" Ok it's Monday. The lowlight of last night? The Simpsons, of course. Let me show you some problems: Mr. Burn's lungs coming completely out, then sucking them back in Homer's heart being ripped out for a few seconds, then being put back in Selma hurling Homer 20 feet into the air from his seat onto the stage A panda choking Homer like Homer does to Bart The unexplained absence of Bart. The "you need to be married thing" does not apply to China but to the U.S. instead The highlight of last night? Tom Petty voicing over on "King of the Hill" as the redneck with a big truck: "Lucky". Haha omg man that was great. First you had Christopher Lloyd also starring as a senile old groundskeeper at Arlen High (which sounded a lot like his Reverend Jim from "Taxi") where he proceeded to "improve" the football field with rock salt. Haha. Then you had Petty, who's character looked a lot like him, only more bald, more stupid looking, and two very crooked front beaver-like teeth and his overall expression was like "duhhhhhhhhh". Man, it was great. His whole character was based on winning lawsuit settlements, racing his monster truck and saying "I'll never have to work again, man." His whole point in the show was dating Luanne and fucking over the Arlen football field with his truck into a big-ass mud pit (something I dreamed of some 12 years ago). Then there was Kelsey Grammer's "The Sketch Show" which is from the '01-'03 British show. A few thoughts: I wondered how much of the sketches were recycled from the British version. They only made 16 episodes (must be a UK record). Sometimes the short sketches reminded me of a one-panel comic strip, like in a two-step manner of a joke of an amusing situation, then a quick result. (especially the multi-bike one where everyone fell off after going over the bridge where it only showed the guy looking to his back) You could sort of tell which ones felt British and which ones felt American-produced. It's nice to see 1/3rd of the cast (excluding Kelsey) from Mr. Show on this. One of my all-time favorite shows. And hey, it's not a reality show, so I like it. We'll see where it goes from the next 5 ordered episodes (assuming it lasts that long) Best sketch was probably the "Wedding Photography" one, next to the "Phobia" one. |
| > Tuesday March 15th 2005 < Happy Birthday, Schnoopie. **runs on to the stage dancing** "Hellooooooooo my name is Wayne Bradyyyyyy! And I'm dancing around with gleeeeeee! Ooooh a ho-ho hoooooo ho-heyyyyyyyy!... I'm Wayne Brady and i'm here to saaaaaaaay..... I may be black on the ouuuuuutsiiiiide, but on the inside I'm whiiiiiiiiiite! **brief tap dance** My verbalization is white! My wife is white! My car is white! My monitor is white! My jockey shorts are white! My socks are white! I act white! **begins marching around** ah ho-ho-hoooooooo, ah ha-ha-hoooooooo.... **5 minutes of tap dancing** **finishes off** I ammmm whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite! ....! I need a new show!" END |
| > Friday March 18th 2005 < "i'll stick the glass in your eye." Ugh, too much green beer last night! I was shitting green all day! It wasn't till I started shooting hoops that I felt a lot better. I saw a story on the news on how those stupid yellow school buses are only getting 8 miles to the gallon of diesel! 8 gallons!!! Hahaha! And of course, the drivers were bitching how it costs over $100 to fill up their tank. Hahaha! And of course, there was this school talking about how they can't afford to drive their stupid students to the church to sing their gospel shit, so they're probably going to have to quit doing it. Haha, who would have thought higher fuel prices would lead to atheism? Some ideas would be to raise school taxes; cut bus service to these functions; take the money out of the sport's account (oh dear god not that!) or make fewer stops & have shorter routes. Or maybe these schools could not get a pointless upgrade on their computers for a few years, you think?? And hopefully, if anything, these higher fuel prices will get those god damn Soccer Mom's off the road. |
| > Saturday March 19th 2005 < "you're all over the road, Woman!!" Hmmmmm.... And now my review of Ashton Kutcher hosting SNL. The Push Up sketch really wasn't that funny, tho I sympathize on the "green beer" joke (**ooooof**). I thought the opening Steroid Hearings sketch was funny; but I'm a big baseball fan, tho. Kenan's "Sosa" was pretty much a complete rip-off of Garrett Morris' "Chico on the Mets" character but it got the job done. Yeah, the monologue was pretty funny. Kutcher went on to saying how age is just a number like a shoe or hat size. Then his real-life GF Demi Moore is in the audience, and she's dressed up like an 80 year old lady with wrinkly skin, a wig and a walker, and she screams "Yer HOT!". So he announces that she's his GF, and it takes her a minute to get up on stage and Ashton goes, "C'mon honey, it's a live show." Then eventually they're talking, he's grabbing her chest and shit. It was happening so fast I don't remember what they were saying. The news cast sketch reminded me of some "other show", but it wasn't that bad. The church sketch was alright, but man, Weekend Update blew. How long was that damn song Parnell sang?? Jesus. And btw Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, YOU'RE NOT FUNNY!!!! But man, the 3AM Charlton Heston SNL from 1993 was awesome! Production-galore! Planet of the Apes. They re-did the opening credits where everyone was in ape costumes; I thought that was pretty damn funny. "Ladies and gentlemen! Captured slave Charlton Heston!" Farley in the cage: "Ten Commandments was awesome, man." That Supermarket bag-boy sketch was great. "$16 for a head of lettuce??!" Oh yes, and Spade had his excellent "Hollywood Minute" bit during WU. heheh "The President is Illiterate". Lol leprosy and the Entertainer - False Prophet. I hope people saw this rerun or taped it. |
| > Sunday March 20th 2005 < "Scrap wire." God damn you, ABC! You said there'd be a new Desperate Housewives tonight and there wasn't! Tho finally after 5 weeks, there will be a new episode. And on Easter, of all holidays. And there was a new Simpsons on tonight. There was a scene, where all of these RV's were idling in Homer's backyard, and the fumes were seeping into the Flander's bedroom were Todd, Rod and Ned were. Todd complained about the fumes, but Ned said "Naw, you're fine." Which of course, all three of them look at the human-sized Jesus standing in the corner (from their hallucination) and Jesus said, "it's alright. go to sleep now." And they all pass out instantly. Then Jesus gets this real sinister look on his face, rubs his hands together and goes, "Yes, that's it!" or something; complete with the dramatic drama music.... like when Stewie said on Family Guy: (scorning): "Well, the broccoli must die!" That scene TOTALLY felt like a Family Guy bit. It didn't feel like a Simpsons moment at all. Rip-off!! Also, the picture of Homer in France with French Bread pierced right through his stomach & back was stupid. And Homer getting his fingers caught in the paper shreader wasn't funny. I saw some photos somewhere of women who had parts of their fingers ripped-off (I think I saw it on the news) from a powerful paper shreader. Other than that, it was actually a pretty decent episode (surprisingly) The best part was when Homer and Marge were fighting and Homer mocks Marge mocking HIM, and tries to imitate her voice and goes, "Oh, look at me, I'm Homer Simpson, I like to eat food off the floor!" |
| > Monday March 21st 2005 < "Assowl!!" "A pair of buck-toothed huge-over bite skeletor diabetic insulin-shooting-up chain-smoking women." -o- "Fuck machine." fuck machine, fuck machine, baby I'm a fuck machine! fuck machine, fuck machine, baby I'm your fuck machine! Fuck machine... Sex bomb, sex bomb, sex bomb, sex bomb! END That's all I've got so far. It doesn't look very promising, eh? -o- "You better understand, I'm in love with myself! My beautiful self !!" ~one of the lamest song lyrics EVER. |
| > Tuesday March 22nd 2005 < "Learn how to drive!" Another sandwich: The eye-poking beak. Two slices of bread. Toast or not, I don't give a fuck. cold cut turkey slices. spread on some miracle whip shake some oregano on shake some garlic powder on put a couple slices of tomato put on lettuce slice it, eat it, digest it. |
| > Wednesday March 23rd 2005 < Chief Illini says: Wildcat going down; like Enron stock. "It's time to blow some chunks out of my ass." ~Hank Hill heading to the toilet. |
| > Thursday March 24th 2005 < Chief Illini says: Wildcat going down; like man on broken crutches. "You know something, Fat Albert? That guy is like school in summertime!" Fat Albert: "School in summertime?" "no class." |
| > Friday March 25th 2005 < "goodbye, Ruby Tuesday's." "You remember that time you farted and more than air came out?" Tomorrow is the big Illini game. |
| > Saturday March 26th 2005 < "goodbye, Ruby Tuesday's." Oh MAN!!! What a fucking incredible game!!!! I have NEVER seen a college basketball game as good as this before!! The Illini lead by 2 at the half, then they shot like shit in the 2nd half, being down by as much as 14-15 points with less than 4 minutes to go. It felt like I was getting pushed against a wall; and I had visions of "Illini suffer only 2nd defeat of the season." I really felt this game was over, but, knowing never to turn off a game until it's over, I continued to watch while in despair. Well! Then somehow, the Illini miraculously pulled a 17-3 and hit an off-balanced quick 3-pointer to tie the game and send it to OT!!! I mean, I've never seen so many clutch steals & baskets in 3 minutes. Then the Illini led by as much as 6 in the 5:00 overtime, then won 90-89 in the last second; and Arizona came up short. It was an amazing game. The Illini shot like shit, but they're a good 3-point shooting team, so that's what kept them in the game. It's on to the Final Four for the 1st time since 1989 where they'll play Louisville, who is a tough team. Hopefully the Illini will wake up out of their funk and really bring it on this Saturday. In other news, SNL was a rerun, which surprisingly was the one with the over-exposed Paris Hilton (who really gives a fucking shit about this rich girl anyway??? Go away!!) which a few weeks ago, the cast of SNL publicly stated "To hell with Paris Hilton!" calling her "one of the most self-absorbed hosts ever. She was an energy vacuum on stage, and her performance was minimally acceptable." It goes on to state in an article, "Some cast members were so bewildered by her extreme narcissism, the source says, they created a betting pool to see if anyone could get Hilton to ask them a friendly personal question. No one managed to collect." Who the fuck likes this bitch, anyway? |
| > Sunday March 27th 2005 < "Hold the phone, Cheryl!" Man, this month is taking forever to get over. Desperate Housewives was finally a new episode tonight, after 5 weeks of repeats. Tho at the end of the episode, that said "starting next week, is the first of 7 new episodes." Ha. Bullshit. You can take that with a grain of salt. You know damn sure they'll save them all for May sweeps. Also, late-May is the time when we find out if our favorite shows are coming back in the Fall, which then leads us to this: sources are saying that Arrested Development is on the bubble to be renewed. They're apparently not happy with the ratings, despite it coming after the Simpsons. I blame the poor ratings on AD on the Simpsons and Fox, the Simpsons churning out nothing but shit these days after 16 seasons; and for the fact that there's no 8pm must see show on Fox anymore, like there was in the old days of Married with Children & the X-Files. Most people watched whatever was inbetween the Simpsons and one of those shows; being too lazy to change the channel or risk forgetting about the 8pm show. But, AD has lots of critical acclaim going for it, a strong cast, excellent writing; as well as its Emmy's and cheap production costs. Fox would be stupid to cancel this show. Their argument is weak ratings and it isn't "generally appealing" enough. Meaning, it's not stupid or dumbed-down enough for the general public. But when Fox is spewing out shit like "Life on a Stick", you better fucking leave those who actually KNOW how to make a good show STICK to it. -o- "I don't mind if I die...once in a while. I don't mind if I lie... once in a while. The doors aren't shut as tiiiiiight as they might seem, I'm just trying to fart my way out of this dream." Title: Irregular Heartbeat |
| > Monday March 28th 2005 < Happy Birthday, Untitled Daily Column Project! Here it is! Exactly one year of columns! We've seen lots of rambling, lots of columns about sports, television, food, recipes, stories, skits, poems, cheese and just some shit that doesn't make any sense. We've also seen lots of missed deadlines, shit being 1 to 9 days late. We've seen many material shortages and very few abundance's of material, while rarely actually meeting the deadline. Probably the biggest problem is, I have thoughts / ideas written down in notes or text files, but it takes time to develop them. Also, one of these days I'm going to get around to expanding the Writings page (which can be accessed by clicking on the Home icon) into a food, music and story section. So what's in store for the next year? Who knows, other than a new design like the original come April. And thank you, to (all of) the reader(s) who have continued to keep reading this. And "fuck you" and "go to hell" to all of those who only visited once or twice and hated the column. Haha. This column isn't about appealing to the masses; it's about me exercising my creative writing. And while the name of the column is untitled, names like "Cheesetree" or "On the Mark" have been thrown around, but maybe someday I'll change it. And long-term projects, like the column explaining the column; and the multi-column "How to Fix Baseball" series with graphics still hasn't been completed yet. Also, I'd like to report that there has been zero feedback so far in regards of the column. lol. Also, it's been different not writing during baseball season; which was a lot tougher than I thought it would be. And it's been difficult trying to type up something for 365 consecutive separate columns, and I am proud to say I never lumped a column into two or more day span. Of course, some columns were only a sentence long, but at least I can say that ;) What a long strange trip it's been. |
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