June 2008 - Untitled Daily Column Project

Your daily dose of the absurd.

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> Friday June 4th, 2008 < "The name is Richard Slapper."

Well, there just hasn't been anything to blog about this past few weeks 'n been busy slacking. There was just nothing to talk about. Regular blogging has resumed. Recap on last night's Hell's Kitchen: Day 10. Teams merge into the final 6 (so wrong). I loved how Matt was all "Fuck you!" and "Fuck you all!" in the end. Best... Matt... scene... ever. Recap: extremely strong personal challenge dishes; Jen wins. Disaster service, it was shut down, Corey burned her hand and cried a lot, Jen burned rice, Matt screwed up the meat section with Christina who also looked like an idiot. Really bad, slow service with very little food going out. Matt got kicked off, tho Ramsay made it seem like it was a lot closer of a booting for the others than it was. Tonight's service was really bad. Tho it's an instance of too many chefs in the kitchen on stations. Man Corey sucks. When she loses here Alpha Male Ape Confidence, she is just a complete degenerate in the kitchen. FUCKING SHUT IT DOWN.

Hell's Kitchen Day 9: Louross gets kicked out for being a crybaby shithead, and Matt STILL sucks. Jen and Matt return to their original teams. FUCKING SHUT IT DOWN.

> Thursday June 5th 2008 < "Charles in charge, of our thongs and our tights."

I was watching an old episode of "Cheers" last night. Something just didn't seem right.

Cliff Clavin entering the bar & walking towards his sitting stool: "Hey everybody!!! Guess what I brought with me that I grew in my greenhouse!"

Carla Tortelli: "It better not be another potato that looks like Richard Nixon!"

Cliff Clavin pulls it out of the bag: "Hey it's marijuana!!!"

All at once:
Norm Peterson: "Whoa, Cliff!"
Carla Tortelli: "You get that outta here!"
Paul Krapence: "Hey!"

Cliff Clavin proudly grips it in palm: "Yeeeeeeah that's some REAL sweet Mary Jane right there! Some top-rate dopehead hooch! Yeah some reeeeeeeal Injun toke-em peace pipe clump!"

Norm Peterson: "You can't have that in the bar! You're a government worker!!!"

Cliff Clavin: "I once got so high, so shitfaced, so wasted...."

Sam Malone: "You can't have this in the bar, it's illegal!"

Cliff Clavin: "Look Sammy, I don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth!"

Sam Malone: "Alright, that's it!"

Cliff Clavin: "You're right, "that's it" ! I'm tellin' ya.... the only time I ever felt like a man, was the extremely violent, colorfully explosive hallucinations of Universal tellings that this sweet, sweeeeeeeet leaf has unlocked in every door keyhole there is."

Paul Krapence: "Hey Cliff, did you know that it was a little known fact that dope causes permanent brain damage?"

Cliff Clavin turns to Paul: "Wha??"

**cut to scene from dream to where a long-haired long-mustached burnt-out hippie Cliff Clavin in 1960s clothes, lays on the floor in his van in a beanbag, next to lava lamp & bong, mumbling: **

"Wha... what are you talking about? I'm a United States Postal Worker! I'm the best there ever was! I'm the bonafide pinnacle of the finest worker resource in the history of mankind! You all should be bowing on your hands and knees before me! I'm the fucking KING! Fucking god damn hell ass piss KING! I...." **finally passes out snoring** **fade to black, closing credits**

end

So apparently "Cheers" and the bar and the characters was all just some made-up dream that some Cliff Clavin character on a different TV show had. I never knew that!

> Friday June 6th 2008 < "William Willie Williams here!"

Well the White Sox have once again responded to Fuhrer Ozzie's tantrum, and are now on a 4-game winning streak, after sweeping the Royals 9-5, 6-4, 6-2 after losing to the 1st place Tampa Rays 3 of 4, 5-1, 1-2, 0-2, 3-4. I always get nervous when the Sox play the Tampa Rays. Even when they were an absolutely awful team, the Sox always had trouble winning series against them, and this was no exception. It's amazing that Greg Walker still has a job as the hitting coach after the shitty hitting in the series. Tho teams in general are having a really hard time winning on the road this year, with the Angels & Sox the only teams in the A.L.with winning road records. I think what they needed was some more b.p. and start looking at some video tape and see what the hell they're doing wrong. Head to the batting cages, and take them out for pizza and soda for christs sakes if that's what it takes.

> Monday June 9th 2008 < "House of Trash"

Sweep! Sox come back and sweep the Twins for the first time since 1972 in a 4-game series, and now have a 6.5 game lead on the Twins, a 8.5 game lead on the Indians, a 11 game lead on the Tigers and a 12.5 lead on the Royals. A 7-game winning streak. Despite scoring 40 runs in the series, they also left 53 on base, including 23 today. Not good. Tonight Ken Griffey Jr. hit his 600th homerun off the Marlins, to become only the 6th player ever to do it. Behind [deleted], Aaron, Ruth, Mays, [deleted].

Here's what Griffey has against him:

He played in an era of smaller ballparks including the very hitter friendly Kingdome at home.
Hit against thinned-out-by-two-rounds-of-expansion pitching staffs.
A juiced ball with no seams unlike the balls with much higher seams of 25 years ago or so.
Spent the last 7 years being injured & a lot of failed expectations.

I'm just not as impressed given the circumstances. I mean we had Brady Anderson hit 50 homers in a season. Brady Fucking Anderson!! I don't know what to think when I see any stats now from the past 20 years. There's just so many lies. And there has to be an explanation of why he got injured so much. "Being so awesome" isn't one of them. He also made a lot of ridiculous, stupid plays that were risky and pointless. It also seems when MLB got bigger, Jr. got bigger as well. He suddenly went from a 16, 22, 22, 27 homerun hitter to a 45-56 HR guy. 1 year into the National League, and he can't stay healthy.

> Saturday June 7th 2008 < "Heart attack rage killed the football coach star"

Suddenly the Cubs are starting to lose again, going 3-3 on the West Coast road trip, while the Sox score double digits again and have a 5-game winning streak. Apparently Carlos Zambrano threw another hissy fit once he got to the dugout after he gave up 7 earned runs and a career-tying high 13 hits in 6.2 innings to a lousy young Dodgers team. He started screaming, trashing water coolers, and ended up with scratches on his left hand. What a crazy dumb fuck. One of these days he's going to punch that right hand into a concrete wall and break some bones. Or stroke out. We'll see.

Today Hillary Clinton "suspended" her campaign for President, meaning now Obama is the Nominee, and lines of "If you don't vote for Hillary, you're a chauvinist wife-beating woman hater " & "you're a black man-hating racist if you don't vote for Obama" are finally put to rest. Notice how Hillary said "suspended"; like if some really bad shit happens to Obama between now and November, she'll suddenly "un-suspend" her campagin. Sounds pretty sneaky. It's like not admitting complete and total defeat. Tho I hear she's like $5 million in debt.

In Weather, lots of severe thunderstorm continued as a huge High Pressure system covering the eastern part of the country stalled and the northwestern edge of the dome kept producing severe thunderstorms all over Wisconsin, Michigan, Iowa, Missouri and Illinois. Flooding rains, high wind gusts, and 6 tornadoes happened from Livingston, Kankakee, Will, Cook counties from 4pm-7pm before finally dying out on the Lake. Various footage was shown on the news, and some were a half-mile wide to a mile-wide to a mile-and-a-half-wide. It didn't get too bad here, but apparently last August, when that 3pm & 7pm severe thunderstorms that were moving at 50+mph came in my area, apparently I witnessed a funnel cloud right in front of me. It was a low whispy wall cloud, and it was counterclockwise swirling. it was pretty big, it was light grey in color with a dark, dark blue grey behind it, and silly me, I thought it was the center of a Low Pressure system simply rotating. Nope. It was a funnel cloud. Note, not all funnel clouds produce tornadoes, and this one didn't, but it's something I know now and something to look out for. Not all funnel clouds are pointy rat tails.

> Sunday June 8th 2008 < "Don't use masturbation terms."

Once again the White Sox score double digits in runs and go for a rare 4-game sweep over the Twins tomorrow in the make-up game and have a 6-game winning streak and a 5.5 lead on 2nd place Twins. Unfortunately the Cubs somehow won on Sunday.

In Weather, we had a very mild rain for the 3rd straight day for storms, in which the cold front will finally come in on Monday. Indiana has been getting hit hard with rain and some places got over 8" of rain. Fortunately the clouds kept the temps down to about 82, unlike the 88 & 70 degree Tropical Dew Point air that's been in the area. It has been very miserable.

> Tuesday June 10th 2008 < " '800,000 pound Woman' starring Rachael Ray!"

Day *yawn* 11 of Hell's Kitchen. Now that we got that fat fuck Matt out of there, we can finally stop seeing a fat guy making faces like he just shit himself. Fucking Jen shooting her mouth to the camera. Chef Ramsay teaching the Lobster Spaghetti challenge. Bringing in skanky women to teach them how to make this dish who look like they've never cooked a meal in their lives. 45 minutes. Women screaming about boiling lobsters, handling sharp knives. Jen's cheating! She's cutting food! That fat bitch. Down to Corey and Christina. And the winner of Hell's Kitchen's first ever cooking school is Christina. And of course Corey is being a bitch saying she didn't deserve to win. Losers have to deep clean Hell's Kitchen. Reward is a fancy lunch with Ramsay and some restaurant master chefs.

Now editing techniques are making it seem like Christina is all cocky and showing off, and now everyone hates her! Dinner service: 12 appetizers, 12 entrees, 12 desserts, 120 customers. Sounds like a pain in the ass. This is all about performance. Corey & Christina on appetizers, Bobby on meat, Petrozza on vegetables and Jen on fish. Lots of cursing. Jen is sending out raw fish. Now it's overcooked! Now Bobby is fucking up beef wellington. Jen has a bad attitude! No fucking shit!

Oh dear. The arrival of the 12-tum women. All skinny, skanky slutty Hawaiian models . I bet you could feed them all up slicing up a single beef wellington. Well they got their appetizers. Corey and Christina work on desserts. More raw Jen fish. And Chef Ramsay kicked Jen off her station. Oh dear, the 12-dum all got their appetizer. Dinner service complete. Now Chef Ramsay is all pissed at them all. "Final 5...expected more". And Christina is the big winner and has to nominate 2. "Now fuck off!" First nominee is Jen because she's poor team player and is moody. Second nominee is Bobby because we expected more. And Bobby is kicked off. Oh come on. You gotta be kidding. "The 4-star General...the Black Chef Ramsay". Okay, well, Bobby did suck, and didn't communicate very well. Oh for fucking christ's sake, Jen is talking smack. She is so not the strongest chef. Fuck you, asshole. You're slow, loud, bad attitude and you suck.

FUCKING SHUT IT DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!

> Thursday June 12th 2008 < "Don't you mouth me off, boy, or I'll slap you on the penis!"

Today the Cubs had their first Turn Back the Clock game, celebrating their 60 years on WGN with 1948 uniforms and television graphics for 2 innings with limited camera angles & scoreboard shots like back in the day. The Braves wore their Boston gear, with a navy cap with red button & brim & a block white B, red with navy trim "Braves" with a navy tomahawk, the difference being with that and the current was the yellow was red, what was navy was yellow and what's currently red was navy. Included triple placket piping, and a colorful indian head sleeve patch. They also wore white socks with high navy stirrups with white/red/white Northwestern style striping

The Cubs sported plain white uni's with above logo on it with a navy cup with a red wishbone-C outlined in white. The stirrups were royal with 3 thin red stripes with white socks. However, from inspection, it appears some turd in the Wrigley front office was drunk on Old Style beer, they ordered Cleveland Indians caps worn in 1958-61, 1963-64, 1970-71. The Cubs caps were supposed to be royal blue with a red wishbone-C & no outline. Once again, batting helmets were neglected, and both teams actually had the right color scheme, but refused to replace their decals.

The game however was ruined when that showboating asshole old man Jim Edmonds decided to hit a homerun to tie the game which the Braves were two outs from winning. That pigfucker.

> Wednesday June 11th 2008 < "Internet killed the musical star"

Editor comes running into the office: "Rudager!!! Where's today's column??? It's over 13 days late!"

Dolph Rudager: "Fuck you, asshole-editor. I'm busy watching the "Eight is Enough" episode where Nicholas is a drug mule. Fuck off!"

Editor scared: "Oh, oh... oh very well then, Rudager. Carry...carry on." **leaves**

> Saturday June 14th 2008 < "Lost-free, Soccer-free, Sodomy-free blog!"

Why Instant Replay in Baseball is Stupid
By: Me

There's a lot of things I don't like about Bud Selig. Expansion, Interleague Play, Wild Cards, World Baseball Classic, juiced balls, Coolflo batting helmets, maple bats, unbalanced schedule and the 1994-95 strike. I don't like umpires, but I don't like Selig even more. Now after Selig's incompetent umpires fucked up 4 homerun calls in a week prompted the issues of Instant Replay to get hot. While Selig has destroyed pretty much everything that Traditionalists care for and cherish, and it's to the point that it's not worth caring if baseball adds Instant Replay, but it still shouldn't happen. Add at least 2 more umpires in the outfield foul territory like they do for the playoffs. Hell put another 2 or 3 in the outfield stands if you have to. But mainly, get rid of the yellow line, and make the padding actually extend upwards so the ball actually *clears* the fence. Get rid of stupid shit like railing and rip out a row of seats if you have to eliminate fan interference on homeruns (looking at you, Yankee Stadium).

I don't give a shit if baseball is like other sports. It was better with fewer teams, a balanced schedule, smaller schedule, bigger ballparks had real pennant races and the leagues only played each other in the All Star Game and the World Series. Baseball doesn't have to be like other inferior sports. Replay is stupid. Replays slows down NFL & College games. The NBA is too sloppy not to have replay, and apparently is good for finding crooked refs, which of course are abundant.

If you're too much of a yuppie, or too stupid, or too lame or have A.D.D. or just plain retarded and can't understand the game of baseball, well then you shouldn't bother watching baseball. I don't want you around, and I don't want to hear from you. But of course Bud Selig feels the opposite, because he wants you in his seat and your stupid-money in his hands. Catering to the average idiot fan is the worst thing you can do to the game. People don't understand that baseball was meant to have a high mound, white ash bats, played under the Sun on dirt and grass and free of annoying electronic annoyances like video scoreboards and blaring music & announcers who talk too god damn much.

> Friday June 13th 2008 < "Nooooooo I hate going to www.rachaelray.com !!!!!"

Why There Should Be Instant Replay
By: Dolph Rudager
ASSOCIATED PRESS

I will admit, I love key parties. I love Swinger food like fondue as well. I love my scrawny mustache, my mullet, my many oils and well as fancy drapes, chandeliers and extra-long shag carpeting. I love to smoke 60 pounds of dope a day. I also like to fuck many women at the same time. But I'm not here today to talk about that or my filthy lifestyle. I'm here today to talk about the rumors of Major League Baseball adding instant replay. To me, this is a wonderful thing. I don't like how baseball is so behind the times, it's so slow and boring, and its flawed-by-design umpiring state of error, error, error! I don't like defective sexual paraphernalia products or broken / expired birth control. I like everything to be 100% idiot-proof so I can fuck without consequences!

This is why I propose that baseball gets rid of all those stupid, fat idiot umpires and replace everything with technology sensors and high-definition cameras. Every single batted ball, every single play, every single pitch will be closely monitored by computers so every single detail is correct. Too many games, too many World Series, too many trillions of missed balls, strikes, outs, hits, walks and runs. I've also proposed that we get rid of all managers, and have the teams managed by computers.

It's a silicon world out there, and technology will fix human error, speed up games and that means more time for dope and orgies!

> Sunday June 15th 2008 < "Yes you want to see the Head Shitfaced Cockmaster."

Apparently the new drug of choice for athletes and baseball players, is Viagra. I got this from the Yahoo rumors page.

"The World Anti-Doping Agency is trying to determine if Viagra can be used to cheat in the Olympics. Major League Baseball and the National Football League will also try to determine if the erectile-dysfunction drug aids training and improves performance.

Bodybuilders, weightlifters and other athletes have turned to Viagra because they believe it helps dilate blood vessels and delivers oxygen, nutrients and steroids to various muscle groups more efficiently. Other athletes use Viagra to treat impotence � a side effect of steroid abuse. Jocks who participate in aerobic sports - cycling, marathons, cross-country skiing � say Viagra, which went on the market in 1998, increases stamina at oxygen-poor high elevations.

Viagra has already become a problem for four-legged athletes. Dan Toomey, a spokesman for the New York State Racing and Wagering Board, said at least three horses have tested positive for Viagra here since 2000. The pill is believed to boost a horse's cardio-respiratory functions."

Which once again brings up the question on why horse stables are always so dark! So if you see any women who hang around horses buying Viagra, it's not for their husbands. It's for their non-racing horses! This explains why women seem to choose horses as their favorite animals.

Also, I wouldn't I wouldn't want to be in any MLB clubhouse shower room. It'd be Turnstile City in there.

> Tuesday June 17th 2008 < "'You were such a great TEAM player. And I mean that in the most sarcastic sense.' ~fan"

Day 12 of Hell's Kitchen. Nice job of Chef Ramsay picking the wrong shithead to kick off in Day 11. Ugh, more Jen smack. Final 4. Challenge to cook a dish for 80 people & a combined 80 portions in 60 minutes using any ingredients for the mystery tasters. Jen: grilled calypso grouper with rum butter sauce with mango salsa on the side. Corey: grilled salmon BLT sandwich with toasted brioche & vegetable chips. Petrozza: montro cristo sandwich with ham and turkey with a spicy sauce. Christina: island turkey sandwich with curry avocado heart of palm salad. Oh dear, Corey didn't finish her shit in time! Oh god, 80 really pregnant women. The mother of all challenges. Corey's whimpering because she's trying sooo hard and it's sooo difficult, and her station is still bare of food. Now the voting is in. 4th place: Corey. 3rd place: Jen. 2nd place: Petrozza. 1st place: Christina. Petrozza lost by two votes. Punishment is cleaning the dining room and polishing silverware. And now Corey is all sore up the ass because Christina gets to go fancy shopping and says Christina says "they picked the wrong girl". Well you stupid bitch, it's not about who deserves the reward more, now, does it? It's about winning! Christina returns and now the women are all catty. Now Christina is all nervous because nobody is talking to her during prep.

Dinner service time. Too much Corey and too much Jen. Oh dear, the rice is mush! Fuck up Jen! Oh dear! Right when Christina hands Chef Ramsay a pan of food, he asks if anything is piping hot, he grabs a handle of a pan and it's burning hot! Chef Ramsay is BURNED!!! Christian BURNED Chef Ramsay!!!! The handle was over an open flame! Oh fuck! Oh god! Oh shit! She is so fucked! She's fucking screwed!! See, Chef Ramsay? This is what happens when you're Hard-on girl lasts this deep into rounds!

45 minutes into service, now entrees. Fucking wake up if the fucking pan is over the fucking flame! Jen is stirring risotto and frying eggs at the same time! Jen is lacking team work! Oh dear! Corey is pushing raw fish! Oh dear! Raw seafood! Fuck! We're all dead! Now Petrozza is getting yelled at for being dirty! Ohhhh!! Fuck, it's everywhere! The pig has shit everywhere! What the hell, full service in record time! Standard Hell's Kitchen food: beef wellington, fish & shrimp, risotto, filet minion, etc.

Oh dear. Tsk tsk extraordinary service admitted after a very somber Chef Ramsay. Jen voted for Christina twice. One vote for Jen, another for Christina. Well Jen is one of two nominated. Second nominee is Corey! Shit! Corey saying she helped the team blah blah. Jen blah blah dream job blah blah. Corey says she's more honest, says Jen isn't a team player, and Jen interrupts blah blah blah 'I'm a team player' what bullshit. The person leaving Hell's Kitchen is JEN!!! WHOO!!! "Corey, say 'goodbye' to Jen." FINALLY! Bye bye bad attitude! Watch her photo BURN! BURN!!!! BURN!!!!!!!!!!!! BUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCKING SHUT IT DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

> Monday June 16th 2008 < "Haaaaaaaappy Birrrrrrrrthdaaaaaaay Asshollllllllllle........"

Voice-over on televsion: "Tonight on ABC... It's a lineup of all new episodes of your favorite shows! "Ohmygod It's The Gay!" airs right after "My Dumb Wife", followed by newer and louder episodes of "Shut Up, God Damn It!" & "Fuck You, Coach!". You're gonna have to watch! Here on ABC!"

> Wednesday June 18th 2008 < "Steroids killed the baseball star"

On Monday, it was announced that long-time announcer Pat Foley has returned to the Blackhawks! Kick..ass. Now I get to watch home games on free TV with the best announcer in the city.Awesome.

> Thursday June 19th 2008 <   "...promoting his new album, "High As A Kite"."

The following is some short and long winded essays that I wrote on Tuesday, June 16, 2008, before & during the Pirates / White Sox game, where Javy Vazquez gave up 5 runs early in the game & before Friday's loss to the Cubs. Despite the factor of the matter that the Sox were 7-2 in Interleague Play after Thursday's sweep & the A.L. is superior in Interleague Play, I am still against it, with the following reasons. The following is from a traditionalist point of view, and if you have A.D.D., or became a baseball fan after 1996, or are just a fucking yuppie or some sexual hippie turd like Dolph Rudager, you probably won't like this. -Me
                                                                       _

I don't want to play the Cubs, damn it. The late April exhibition game "Windy City Classic" was all that I needed. If you like Interleague Play, then you're only helping Bud Selig. Interleague Play destroyed any intensity the All Star Game had, and has diluted the World Series a bit.

No. Interleague Play is garbage, flawed and gives more terrible matchups than good ones. It's not fair because it doesn't rotate fairly every year, some team's "Natural Rivals" are really crummy or really good, like the Cardinals & Royals, which isn't fair to the Royals nor the other teams in the N.L. Central Division.

Interleague Play is nothing more than a cheap gimmick to sell more tickets in June & July when people are bored. Padres / Indians? Pirates / Orioles? Dodgers / Tigers? Cubs / Blue Jays? Mets / Rangers? Red Sox / Reds? Marlins / Rays? Yankees / Astros? Rockies / White Sox? You want to tell me where in the hell in any of these series is appeal? These are all snooze fests, and Interleague Play was only created for Chicago, New York, Missouri, Texas, Bay Area, L.A. / Anaheim. Nobody else. And most of those really don't create much interest, either. Hell it doesn't even matter in New York, because they're all fair weather fans anyway.

I blame Bud Selig in corrupting this generation into thinking this false paradise is something worthy or interesting. Baseball was better when the leagues were separate, it was unique, something called league pride existed, and it made for far better All Star Games & postseason. Now it's like the NFL, where they had two Patriots / Giants match-ups in 4 games. *yawn*. Redundant City.

And in case you haven't noticed, the Cubs / Sox series is at .500. I don't want to watch the Sox at Dump Wrigley & watch our pitchers bat. The Sox are built for American League baseball... they should play in such that way. The Cubs get an unfair advantage when we visit them, and they gain a bat when they come play us. Is that the way the game or America should be?
                                                                     _

You probably don't remember Interleague Play when it came out. Originally it was limited to just your opposite league division. The Sox always played the N.L. Central, and people got bored with that REAL fast. Plus the only other reason was fans in the A.L. Central & A.L. East were bitching about never seeing Barry Bonds. Who cares about that juicer. He can keep his size 8 melon head in the N.L. & in retirement.                                               _

Perhaps the most important thing that I said is being overlooked...

"The Cubs get an unfair advantage when we visit them, and they gain a bat when they come play us..."
I don't know how any Sox fan, of any age, dead or alive, would favor a system where the Sox lose one of their biggest bats for one of their worst / non-existent hitters. So I take it that Sox fans LOVED watching Jim Thome or Frank Thomas sit on the bench for 3 games against the Cubs?

The Sox are made for A.L. baseball. Let them play it that way.
                                                                    _

t's all about a matter of balance and schedule fairness. Not so long ago in baseball, everybody played everyone in their league an equal amount of times of 162 games I year, and that was the fairest. It's about a sense of balance. Take a look at a chart I made a while ago illustrating how chaotic the MLB schedule really is:

                                                                       _

It's even worse for the A.L. West division with only four teams. The Cubs don't even play everyone in their own division the same amount. How is this logical or fair? Due to Interleague Rules, the "Natural Rival" you play them 6 times instead of 3, which only adds to the unfairness of the unbalanced schedule. You just can't have an unbalanced schedule with uneven divisions in a completely random Interleague League Division scheduled format. The Sox play 3 N.L. West teams, the Cubs 6 times, and yet somehow got stuck with another N.L. Central team?? WTF??

Look at the other weird sh-t. The Sox got stuck playing 7 games in Tampa, before they come here for only 3. Or how the Cubs played the Pirates 12 times before May 26. Or how the Brewers came to Wrigley twice in early April & May, and don't go to Milwaukee until July 28. Balance? There's no balance. And where there's no balance, there's no sanity.
                                                                        _

Oh so you enjoy watching almost half of the Sox games against the same divisional opponents, as opposed to seeing the Yankees or Red Sox 3 or 4 times a year at home? It gets old REALLY fast.   And the thing is, the home paying fan ends up suffering, because they're stuck watching the same teams over and over. Where's the balance? They're trying to squeeze a division-heavy schedule WITH interleague? Sorry, that's really slicing it thin. It's all part of MLB's plan to make a series more exclusive so they can jack up the prices really high for those Cubs, Red Sox & Yankees series. There was no such thing as "priority pricing" back in the day. It's disgusting. Here's the 1990 Sox schedule that shows a lot of balance and schedule fairness. Better, I say.

> Friday June 20th 2008 < "I [hate] stupid threads."

Ok, like, right now on tv, there's a commerical of this like 4 year old girl playing outside with a younger sibling and she's showing off the commerical's band-aid product. Do you think they intentionally cut her hand so they could put that band-aid on? No??? So you're saying there's no cut behind that band-aid?? How sad.

Director: "Ok we're gonna shoot this commerical. Stagehand, grab that knife and hand it to me. Ok, kid, get over here so I can cut your hand so we can shoot this band-aid commercial!!! We gotta show these things really do work, so I'm gonna cut you up real good!"

Mother of child actor: "Are you sure this is legal?"

Director: "Of course it is! There's no other way we can shoot this commercial!"

> Saturday June 21st 2008 < "Laryngitis killed the radio star"

The NOPACFICC: National Organization of People Against Computer Fonts In Cartoon Captions.

> Sunday June 22nd 2008 < "The sign said, 'Don't feed the sign.'"

Car insurance salesman: "And finally, have you had any accidents?"

Man: "Just the one sleeping in the crib at home."

> Monday June 23rd 2008 < ""Oh no, it's the Booger Mannnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!""

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits.

> Tuesday June 24th 2008 < "Btw Ho' is my right hand's name; lefty is Shaky."

Day 13 of Hell's Kitchen. God just end the show already! Corey goes home despite all 3 being lousy.

> Wednesday June 25th 2008 < "...Half the time we're drunk, and half the time we're doped."

Oh this "Eight is Enough" program is just pure bullshit. All the women Bradfords have the same
lame-ass problem of being "too overly intellectual and extremely overly moral with ethics and with ridiculously unreasonable principles" and it's completely interfering with their with their lives on every single level. They can't keep jobs, or its preventing them from getting pay checks; they can't get laid from boys and men because nobody is interested in them. They are extremely boring and dull, as well as lonely way high up there on their pedestals. I don't know how or where these women Bradfords picked up their habits, because their mother is dead and Abby always gives horrible step-motherly advice, who thinks she's a lot smarter than she actually is. All I ever see these women Bradfords doing is brushing their long 1970s hair, changing records on the turntable, fighting with the the people in their lives, creating drama where there doesn't need to be drama, and always asking the whereabouts of the others. Not once have I seen any of them on a typewriter or reading a book or even attending church. And they all come off as annoying. Annoying like, "I wouldn't touch that even if after six 30-beer cases no matter how drunk I was" kind of annoying. Attention all men: them Bradford females ain't worth it. They AIN'T so worth it! It's not worth your time or trouble. Save that money for the roller disco or the penny arcade or 8-track tapes.

The males seem to have a problem executing being badasses, because every time they try to get laid, their women aren't willing participants. And even if the male Bradfords actually succeed in being trouble-making shitheads, the older siblings will track them down and punish them, convenient for the old man Bradford who's always 7 steps behind everything and is always confused. "Why do I have all these parking tickets??! Where is my car?? How old is Elizabeth??! Where's my bread & pickle sandwich?! How in the hell did this happen??! This family must attend every single crisis no matter how tedious!! What do you mean I'm fired after 37 years of faithful top-notch quality award-winning journalism?!??! JOANIE!!!!"

As for true in many families, the last few seeds are the most rotten ones of the family. These often neglected children, with their parents desire for children well past their energy, wants or tolerance in patience, the parents have usually just given up on parenting all together and have begun the rest of their old lives. So now Nicholas is being bad. He's too busy lying, stealing, swearing, breaking stuff, running away, smoking and getting drunk, doing drugs, cutting class, plagiarizing when he does show up, mouthing off, talking to strangers, being a drug mule, selling pornography on the playground, all because some extremely distant relative of their so-not-a-Bradford step-mother Abby called Nicholas and the Bradford family: "a Brady Bunch family". See, these type of children who are set off so easily to even the most mildest name calling in the universe, is because of their faulty wiring, watered-down genetics and lack of any parental guidance. They are not trainable, and thus must put down to sleep or killed by lethal injection.

The world is not better because of the Bradfords. If anything, they make the world a worst place. Not to mention that the Bradfords live in a false, delusional world that "everything works out in the end if you stick to your boring annoying Bradford ethics". It doesn't matter, tho. All 5 Bradford women would die before reaching middle age, just like their mother, after all giving birth to 8 kids. It's called Dramatic Post 8 Birth Dramatic Retention Syndrome. It's a medical condition that kills women because they gave birth too many times due to their own stupidity and the body is so strained it just strokes out. And all the male Bradfords end up divorced or widowed, which both usually happens, because they are unlivable to be with. Thank god for all of us, that this show is completely fiction, or at least I hope it is, because the show is based on Thomas Braden's 1975 novel "Eight is Enough" which coincidentally on Amazon.com has zero reviews and 49 copies available starting from $0.09 and only has a description of "A look at a family man and the trials and tribulations that go along with the daily routine.", so HOPEFULLY this is completely fiction. Maybe someday I'll write a really bad blog entry, and they'll turn that into an hour long serious drama with a laugh track with a trainwreck of a cast with a crazy old man who makes dog food for people.

> Thursday June 26th 2008 < "Hey you, farmer!"

teenage nerdy girl with horseface: "This year we're gonna be popular...even if it KILLS us!"

teenage nerdy fat girl: "Then we'll be dead!"

teenage nerdy girl with horseface: "Oh no!!!!"

teenage nerdy fat girl: **sighs** "But we'll be POPULAR!"

> Friday June 27th 2008 < "Farmer Taco Sanchez."

What's the deal with soap? It kills the things that harm us, yet if we were to eat it, it would make us sick. I don't know of any edible soap, tho. Would anyone actually have any use for edible soap??

> Saturday June 28th 2008 < "Mayor: �And today, I declare it to be �Billy �Fuck Face� Ripken day!� �"

Olympics athletes: "I can be clean! But I choose not to be and give myself an unfair advantage over other athletes! Long live steroids!"

> Sunday June 29th 2008 < "Broccoli sucks dick."

Somewhere in a college basketball gym....

#10: "Yo, rook', welcome to the legendary House."

#5: "Thanks, yo'."

#10: "You's ready to lead us to another NCAA Final Four berth?"

#5: "Totally, yo'."

#10: "Alright, yo', let's shoot around, yo'." **player #10 begins practice & starts running around carrying the basketball**

#5: "Hey, whad'ya doin', yo'??? Why ain'ts you dribblin' the BALL?"

#10: "Man, yo'..... there ain't no muthafuckin' point, yo'... them refs don't even BOTHER callin' travelin' anyway, yo'! Just pass da' ball, yo', and take a few big steps drivin' to the hoop, yo'."

#5: "Oh come on, yo', that ain't what the playbook showin', yo'...."

#10: "You don't need no fuckin' playbook, yo'!"

#5: "Well why the fuck not, yo'?"

#10: " 'Cause you don't need to know how to READ, yo'!"

#5: "That's WEAK, yo'!"

#10: "Man, we's got to start meetin' with the bookies to work on our point shavin', yo'! That's how we made bread before goin' Pro, yo!"

#5: "Oh come onnnnn, yo'..........."

#10: "You got yo' self a drug dealer yet?"

#5: "No."

#10: "Well go get one!!!"

#5: "You know yo', I don't think this university is for me, yo'. I'm outta here."

Reporter standing near by speaking in front of live camera: "I'm standing here in the legendary House where the NCAA's all-time winningest coach of the past 20 years has been fired due to players involved in drugs, point shaving, and his "Hot Potato" style of coaching and phantom academics of athletes never showing up to class. Film at 11."

> Monday June 30th 2008 < "You wreck me, baby. you wreck real good. I got a rectum... that needs wrecking, baby. oooooohoooh oh."

Valeri: "Oh my new boyfriend! He's... he's different, he's... well, he's the type.."

Nancy: "...He's the type that wouldn't a bullet or die for a woman." **sips coffee while looking at Valeri**

Valeri: **confused** "No, no it can't be that..."

Nancy: "Yeah, he is."

Valeri: **sips coffee** "Maybe it's the car he drives...or his shoes... His shoes! ..."