June 2006 - Untitled Daily Column Project

<| Saturday June 24th, 2006 |> "I wanna shit puke out of my ass and throw up shit."

Now I am going to pick out random newspaper quotes and talk back.

"White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen bats 0-for-4 with Other View readers."

Well fuck you, Tribune. You're the asshole who decides which letters are run!

"An open letter to Ozzie: put a sock in it. We try to teach our kids that they need to consider the consequences of what they say. Why can't you? He's never apologized [ed.: actually he has] to the millions of young fans who would like to respect him. Ozzie may be a winning manager, but he's lost any credibility as a role model."

If you were an intelligent person, you'd know that athletes are not, and should not be role models to children. But since you're not an intelligent person, you seem to think what Ozzie says or does actually matters, but you know what? It really doesn't.

"MLB does not need any more sore spots, and Ozzie is a disgrace to both baseball and more importantly to me, to Chicago. GM Ken Williams has yet to take any action on Ozzie's continuous behavior that is doing nothing to help a sport already in desperate need of some good news. I saw a survey where the fans say that's just "Ozzie being Ozzie". Enough is enough. "Good-bye Ozzie" is the only headline that would make things better."

Well let's see.. another good headline would be "idiot reader's decapitated head pinned on clothesline". You're probably a disgruntled Cubs fan with worthless season tickets that you can't unload. Yeah right, let's fire the World Series Champion's 1st place team's manager. And if you want to talk about Ozzie being "here" in the first place, perhaps you should think about your stance towards allowing immigrants in this country. Hmm?

"the Cubs should have a fire sale."

They really need to get rid of everyone except Zambrano & Lee. And I mean everyone. Trade away everyone for prospects and promote guys and start over. That's pretty sorry to have a payroll near $100 million and you're the 3rd worst team in baseball.

<| Thursday June 1st, 2006 |> "and there's this sound, that comes from my ass..."

Leftovers suck. You know, if I ate something and have it left over, why would I logically want to eat something I already dedicated a whole meal to? It's not like I'm a dog or anything! I enjoyed the meal, I'm done with it, and that's that. What's left to look forward to? Cold and old remains of a dismemberment? It's like a joke....it's never as funny or good the second time around. Unless, of course, it's Thanksgiving leftovers. Mmm mmm.

Oh ya. I got a mosquito bite on my left leg last night. Right on the meaty part near the knee. Big 'ol bump showed up. You know what I did? That's right...total snake-bite-out. Put my lips on my thrice showered leg (from the "cool down" sessions in a 91 degree day in an attempt not to sweat like a pig) and sucked on the bite for about 10 seconds. Shortly... itch & bite was gone. Had to spit, of course. That's what you have to do! But it works.

And ya, I dig the progressively cold shower in the summertime. Who needs drugs when you stand in a streaming burst of cold and colder water while ridding all those dead skin cells on your body?? Yeah, some of us don't have pools or Jacuzzi's to swim in.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Friday June 2nd, 2006 |> "ah the Rudager way: "cheap on the cheese, heavy on the meat". ugh."

You know I think some of these common birds are lunatics. Why in the fuck does a bird have to chirp 120 times every minute?? Is there a point to this?? What possibly could this be accomplishing?? And it's the same damn chirp every time, and it sounds like "beep", which is really annoying. I just want to take a machine gun to all these annoying birds. I really hope some hawk finds these asshole annoying birds, and tears them to shreds! As if hearing the horrible sound of an automobile rev up many times isn't bad enough, then you have other noise pollution like mowers, weed whackers and some idiot pounding on something.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Saturday June 3rd, 2006 |> "I'm looking at this crappy shit on the wall."

You know MLB really needs to stop advertising their Internet MLB.TV package is "baseball is always on!". No, it's not. MLB.TV was designed for out-of-town baseball fans. But apparently, you have to be on-the-other-side-of-the-country-out-of-town. Baseball screwed up again, when it decided that "if you live in any of this long list of zip codes, you can not view the local game". Um, what the fuck? Maybe some locals don't have cable and wanted to watch their local team? Or how Oakland A's fans living in Las Vegas can't watch their A's because it's considered "a local market".

So who's to blame? That's right, the asshole advertisers. It's not that hard to realize. They want their shitty & annoying products shown locally as much as possible. You know, the same assholes who make sure we miss the first 3 pitches or so of an inning to make sure we see the whole god damn commercial.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Sunday June 4th, 2006 |> "Bozo the Clown says, "let's go fuck ourselves!""

An exclamation.

There is a cause on why the Sox starters keep getting removed from the game so soon in games, alas last night's Vazquez 115 pitches in 6 1/3, and why the bullpen is getting taxed so much & is just plain worn out. It's not the pitcher's fault. It's these stupid god damn fucking idiot Umpires, that's who.

Vazquez's first two pitches last night were on the outside corner, easily were close enough to be called a strike. But they weren't. They were called balls. What the hell, man? What's killing the Sox these days, is too many close pitches are being called balls when they should be strikes. Forget the deep bench, it's like they need a 13 to 14 man pitching staff for christ's sake.

These pitching counts are getting out of hand. And it's not just a Sox problem, it's a baseball problem. Getting a starter past the 7th is deemed a miracle these days, let alone getting to the 9th or the unheard-of "complete game". You shouldn't need 53 pitches to get through only 3 innings.

High strikes aren't being called. Hell, the belt high strike is not being called either. Neither is the low strike, either. How many called-looking strikeouts did the Sox batter's have last night? It wasn't as high as I thought it was, 3 of the 10 k's were looking. But that seems pretty high to me. It's like nobody knows what being called a strike anymore.

You umpires, are incompetent, inconsistent, reckless, asinine, blind, stupid, retarded, a complete joke of a profession and just plain a'ss worthless. You, the Umpires, are ruining the game. You, the Umpires, are prolonging the games with your inconsistency, along ruining the game itself since you obviously are highly unskilled and have no concept or understanding of what the rule book strike zone is. I'm getting to the point where I think I'd rather have a computer call the strike zone, along with a bigger strike zone. It is getting really bad.

Fuck you, Umpires.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Monday June 5th, 2006 |> "football isn't about execution...it's about who fucks up less."

Apparently NBC's Deal, No Deal was overtaken with Canadians last night. The show already crippled by Canadian Howie Mandel, an extremely fat and annoying blonde Canadian school teacher was on the show with her annoying Canadian friends in the support team (no husband of course). This annoying thing kept singing Celine Dion songs in this horribly annoying voice, and to this thing which looked like a regular ballpoint pen. Then it only got worse. Then they actually got the real Celine Dion on, via satellite, god, and she sang a little, then helped her fellow Canadian by lending support and even suggested a number of a suitcase to open. More on that later.

This woman, you couldn't help BUT to cheer against her. After every suitcase was opened, she'd scream in this very high-pitched sound like "EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" and go "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH! YEEEEEEAH! YEEEAH" while jumping her fat body up and down. Did I mention this was a 90 minute season finale designed to "boost" rating? Jesus christ, they could not have picked a more annoying person! And if all this Canadianness wasn't enough, they actually FLEW her class in from Canada to cheer her on! I don't know what grade they were, probably like 5th or 6th, and it was all girls, which doesn't surprise me. I'm sure the boys would rather be staying home and playing some hockey while punching each other in the face over the last 24 ounce can of Budweiser.

Now I am no fan of Celine Dion at all. I think she's horridly annoying, I think her music and her voice sucks, and I feel sorry for people who actually like her. Plus what the fuck is up with her family? They had like 20 fucking kids and she's the youngest?? What they don't have birth control in Canada? Stupid fucking parents. Should be against the law to have that many kids. Okay, with that being said, it was a crucial point in the game. There were only 7 (or 8, I don't give a god damn) suitcases left, getting near the end of the game and the highest dollar amount, the unprecedented $5 million. Which I think is pretty shitty, when every other episode except for one, was only a million. One episode, they finished up somebody $1 million episode in the first 10 minutes of the hour long show, then they bring out a new contestant, and that fucker gets to play for $2 million! I'd be like, "hey, what the FUCK, man! Why does that fucking asshole get to play for twice as much as I did?? Fucking cocksuckers!!"

So anyways, it's a very tense part of the game where $100,000's are at stake. It's a gambler's dream. So in another unprecedented and lame move, Howie decided that she could open her own suitcase. Wow, such a thrill, eh? Yeah, you can do that, right after this 8 minute commercial break. "YEEEEEEEEEEEEAH!" So they come back, and she drags her porky legs up those high and long stairs for a good few minutes, and finally reaches and stands behind the stand & the suitcase. In incredible lame fashion, she is simply "too nervous" to open it with her eyes open. So with a face like passing an incredibly difficult bowel, she opens the case....and behold! $5,000,000! GONE! I was shocked to find that nobody in the audience was laughing their asses off like I was.

So anyways, earlier this fat Canadian school teacher sang a few more Celine Dion songs because she's such a huge fan, and since there's 26 cases to open, and just for fun, why not ask Celine Dion for a number?!! The number was 9. So they go to open suitcase # 9, and behold! The second largest amount in the game that night, $2.5 million dollars...GONE!

I really like being able to say, that someone lost $2.5 million because they were a Celine Dion fan.

<| Tuesday June 6th, 2006 |> "THE START OF THE GAME IS BEING DELAYED DUE TO DIARRHEA"

And now, the Asshole News.

Last night was the much hyped 90 minute live season finale of the Apprentice. Due to the episode two weeks ago where the two women who were best friends, but got sent to the boardroom and a cat fight ensured, both were fired, which left only two candidates left with an awkward 2 episodes to go. So after last week's filler on the last task, we saw the results of handsome 32-year old Metrosexual British Sean vs. 22-year old nerdy Jewish boy Lee. Did I mention America got to vote for who they wanted to win? Did I tell you a lot of idiots have cell phones these days?

So the tasks went on, no big shit. They kept setting us up to think it was going to be a glorious disaster, but instead it went off smooth. Damn bastards. Actually, it was quite boring to watch. Neither screwed up, and there really wasn't any clear-cut winner. But of course, all the women screamed for Sean in the auditorium. In the end, phone results were in, yet they never said who won! All Trump said was it was one-sided. Yeah, that was a nice couple million 99 cents wasted for America. So who won? The Brit. Why? Who the hell knows. Age probably played the biggest role. But a foreigner winning a job in the Trump organization? That would have never happened in Reagan's America.

Trump did the asshole thing too, last night. Traditionally on the last show, he's says the person's name, then says, "You're hired." But not last night. Trump looked at Lee, said his name, and Lee was elated to the point of exhaustion, thinking he was hired, then a second later, Asshole Trump shouts, "you're FIRED!!!!" and Lee jerked and said something like "fuck! oh come on!!" and then the party started.

As for this season, about the only interesting thing is that this group of soulless bitches finally got cut. Other than that, it was a pretty boring Apprentice, where some of the rewards were actually worse than doing nothing. Oh well, at least there was an episode dedicated to Arby's...a jingle for their new and now-forgotten Natural Chicken food.

I bet right now Lee's hoping Sean's an illegal alien and gets banned from the country.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Wednesday June 7th, 2006 |> "Ah, another non-proofread blog entry **sighs contently** "

And now it's time for Random Confusion Wednesday.

For a while, it was the Yes song "Roundabout" that broke my brain and was stuck in my head for a few weeks. I found myself singing lyrics that were incorrect and only sounded like the real ones, every hour of the day, I heard some music bit in my head, and one time it woke me up in the middle of the night. Now, it is Jethro Tull's "Aqualung" album. I've had this album for over 3 years now, but I have to admit, I've never actually sat down and dedicated time to listen to it over and over. Well I finally did, and now I have flutes rocking out in my head a lot. Including some catchy guitar and piano bits. Damn the Tull.

These Miller Lite commercials with "Manlaws" are stupid. A bunch of stupid celebrity men sitting around a table, making up stupid shit about beer or ex-girlfriends or whatever. Real men don't drink piss-water Miller Lite, and they don't sit around making stupid shit up because they think they're cool. Well gentlemen...you are not. I'm sure there's probably some Frat House where the guys are doing celebratory head-rammings over these commercials.

Why couldn't we just burn off all of our food and never have to poop? Pooping has not been fun lately. And it's rather painful too. And it's annoying to constantly having to be near a toilet. Frankly, at this point, I'd be willing to go to an all vitamin & energy bar diet.

Words I still have not learned to spell: satellite, parallel, nauseous, ricochet

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Friday June 9th, 2006 |> "man that's garbage, no, that would be giving garbage a bad name."

voice-over on the television: The NBC Movie of the Week: "A boy and his beard. Based on a true story"

Boy walking down the street in a cold & dark December afternoon: "Man it's cold here in the Midwest! I need to grow some winter fur! Plus this experiment is exciting! I haven't had facial hair in over 4 years!" **fade into progressive scene**

Boy: **wondering** "I wonder what it'll look like tomorrow. After all the years and years of thin, hairless beards & goatees, the patchy bare spots, the inconsistent pattern of it all." **fade into progressive scene**

Boy: **looks in the mirror** "i LOVE this god damn beard! Whooooooo! Wow! A real mustache! Whiskers! Full body! It's so thick!" **fade into progressive scene**

voice-over on the television: "...but he met scrutiny..."

Person: "That beard looks so overheating and scratchy!"
Boy: "But it's so soft! I shampoo it every day!" **fade into progressive scene**

voice-over on the television: "...resisting temptations..."

Boy: **standing in front of mirror with razor in hand** "Should I stay or should I go?? Should I stay or should I go?? I got an uneven sun tan on the face, the lack of smoothness....but it looks so rugged! I look like a lumberjack, and I like that!"

voice-over on the television: "...constant obsession..."

Boy defending beard to other people: "It gives me something to do, something to rub, something to stroke during the day! And it's so thick and clean! I can't believe it's finally happened!"

voice-over on the television: "...more struggling..."

Boy pleading to other people: "I can't shave it off, I can't!! It's like, a part of my body!"
Sarcastic friend's retort: "Well it is attached to your face."
Boy: "Haha."
Sarcastic friend: "Tho you should shave it."
Boy: "The beard doesn't like you talking like that! The beard knows it's talking about you!!"

voice-over on the television: "...finally...succumbing to temptation.."

Boy: **tearfully crying in front of a mirror with razor in hand**: "Goodbye beard, I loved you so much! You were my winter fur! You were my first EVER real beard!"

voice-over on the television: "The NBC Movie of the Week: "A boy and his beard." Starting next week on N..B..C!"

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Saturday June 10th, 2006 |> "I'm gettin' HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH about Amos... he cleanses my SOOOOOOOUUUUUUULLLL."

And then.....Phyllis and Alan were wed.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Thursday June 8th, 2006 |> "Harvey lives in a coma, suffers from glaucoma..."

Do these people really think if the USA soccer team performs well, that people will finally give a shit? Do they really think in today's fast pace world of text messaging and hi-speed internet that slower-than-shit soccer?? I don't know why they keep trying to push this shit on us. We have so many other better sports to follow. All soccer is, is pussy kickball. They need to make it more exciting, like say, oh, I don't know, allow you to use your fucking hands!! Maybe make the field smaller, make the ball red and grip-able, be able to kick or throw the ball around, smaller net, allow fighting, and NO FUCKING TIE GAMES. Every game must end with a loser. Hockey-style shoot-out. Tie games are so lame. The whole purpose of sports, is to separate the winners from the losers, and reward those who are better than others!

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Sunday June 11th, 2006 |> "yeah i guess i am being a bad democrat by voting for republicans."

Yeah, way to tank it on national ESPN night, Sox. Tho it was nice to take 2 out of 3 from those asshole Indians, who still boo Jim Thome every time he comes to the plate. He almost got you a World Series, you assholes. It's not his fault your idiot closer blew Game 7 in the 11th inning.

If you haven't heard, the University of Illinois Fighting Illini's football team have new Nike uniforms, found here: http://static.flickr.com/58/163919464_c061aaae42_o.jpg

Those look like the Denver Broncos! What the fuck are you doing, Nike?? What's the point of that white piping? And what's the point of the orange side paneling on the jersey when that part will be hidden & tucked in? And the every-horrible two-color collar that just stops for no reason. And the circle I-patch.....total IU rip-off. And no Chief Illiniwek, of course. And the worst thing of all? No more orange pants! Navy blue or white! It seems the Illini are changing their uniforms yearly now, which can't come fast enough after this horrible incarnation.

Remember when the Illini had a clean, football-esque uniform from like 2003 like this? http://www.murfandpat.com/ebay/illini441.jpg That's the way a football uniform is supposed to look. 1 color numbers, 2 simple sleeve & collar stripes.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Monday June 12th, 2006 |> "Cockfighting cook-off."

"Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger broke his jaw and nose in a motorcycle crash, but doctors said they had successfully treated his multiple facial fractures after seven hours of surgery. Roethlisberger had slammed helmetless and head-first into a car windshield while speeding around town. He was riding the fastest street-legal motorcycle you can buy."

"Dumb", some people are saying. How could a 24-year old be so dumb ride without a helmet? Especially one who was the youngest ever to win a Super Bowl!

How about, "what about the dumb fuck who turned into him & his bike?" And last time I checked, we didn't live in Nazi Germany, and in Pennsylvania, the law does not require that they wear a helmet. And what's with everyone giving him so much shit? It's not like he's the first or last to crash his bike. It's not like he died or anything. And then, we hear his coach had been ridin' his ass about how Roethlisberger shouldn't ride a bike at all. Who the hell are you.....God?? He should be able to ride his god damn bike if he god damn well wants to.

Apparently, there was no clause in Roethlisberger's contract to not ride a bike, but back in the day, in the pre-A-Rod days of New York, their then 3rd baseman Aaron Boone had a clause in his contract saying that if he got hurt in the off-season, including playing basketball in his own house, they would void the contract and release him. Sure enough, he tore up his knee or something shootin' hoops. And thus, began the craziness, of how A-Rod never went to the Red Sox, Nomar staying, A-Rod ends up on the Yankees, which all of this resulted in a Red Sox World Series. Crazy.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Tuesday June 13th, 2006 |>   "if i couuuuuuld....i wouuuuuuld...n't."

Don't look now, but Hartford the Whale is now one win away from being a 1st time Stanley Cup champion. And these were both once WHL teams.

Hell's Kitchen debuted its second season last night with two hours of profanity and wasted-food fun! A cooking version of the Apprentice that's like the boot camp from hell, where people cook massive amounts of food in a high-temperature, highly pressured situation in a sleep-deprived state. One of these hapless saps is going to end up with some fancy-ass chef job in Las Vegas. So far, after two episodes, nobody seems qualified at all. These fuckers can barely make an appetizer, let alone a meal or dessert. The lines were, to a customer who was unhappy with the quantity of pumpkin in his risotto and told Chef Ramsay, "I just want more pumpkin; that's all I want," Ramsay went for shock value, replying,

    "Right. Well, I'll get you more pumpkin and I'll ram it right up your fucking ass. Would you like it whole or diced?"

In episode two, Gabe misheard an order, forcing Chef Ramsay to repeat it. After he did, Ramsay said,

    "Now, would you like me to e.mail that to your fucking Blackberry? Move your ass."

I've figured out why these fancy restaurant charge so much for their god damn food: they waste so much of it in the kitchen. They don't send out the orders until every one at the table's is ready and perfect. So naturally, it takes forever to get anything served. And as like both episodes, after 4 hours, none to a very few got served any food, thus everyone walked out. These were the two worst food-producing episodes I have ever seen. And that one stupid girl severely burned her hand?? Isn't she an experienced chef to know what the hell she's doing?? Did she somehow forget that "pan on stove, pan is hot" ?? Or perhaps she was too hungover from her partying & getting only 3 hours of sleep, which is all they allow on the show.

Fucking SHUT IT DOWN!

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Wednesday June 14th, 2006 |> "I don't know the words."

It's been quite a week for the Arizona Diamondbacks, with Jason Grimsley getting caught with HGH and all his steroid finger-pointing and all. They have decided to designated pitcher Russ Oritz for assignment, essentially ending his time with the team. He is owed a record $22 million dollars. Which means, he can take his stupid sucky sorry-ass home with his millions, and do nothing for the rest of his life, just because some stupid team with too much money, gave him a contract like that.

Gee, I sure wish some team would give me a contract like that to pitch. Hell I'd do it for 1/20th of that, or shit, 1/100th of that!

Speaking of spying on email, I recently read that companies have been firing employees for just using personal emails while working; whether it'd be passing company secrets through it or just using it in general. And it's gotten to the point that companies have now hired people solely just to read employ emails. I feel like my privacy is so secure and safe!

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Thursday June 15th, 2006 |> "choke on it.."

**slow tempo & piano playing**

Niiiiiiiiiikeeeeeeeeee....Niiiiiiikeeeeeeeee
I give you my soul
oh your products
so many and so bold

i will wearrrrrrrrrr the swoosh as a badgggggge of honorrrrrrrrrrrr

Niiiiiiiiiiikeeeeeeeee, please control my life!
tell me what to do.
help me open my eyes
design and controlllllllllllll everythingggggggg

Nike, Nike, Nike, gimme me some more Nike, please!

Niiiiiiiikeeeeeeeeee.....Niiiiiiiikeeeeeeeeeee
i love your sweatshops
and i love your non-sweatshop pricesssss
bruuutalllllllity...used to make my products with glee.

Nikeeeee, is king of the world
Nike is my home
Nike makes me wake up
you tell meeeeeee to "just do it"
I'd cover the world in a big swoosh if i could
Make Niiiiikeeeeeeee president,
of the universe!
Lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvve Nikeeeeeeeeee!!
Nikeeeeeeee forevvvvvvvverrrrr!

Just kidding Nike sucks ass.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Friday June 16th, 2006 |> "way to blow game, bullpen!"

We all know of the man-made American-killing fat known as trans fat. A trans fatty acid (commonly shortened to trans fat) is an unsaturated fatty acid whose molecules contain trans double bonds between carbon atoms, which makes the molecules less kinked compared with those of 'cis fat'. Trans fatty acids are made when manufacturers add hydrogen to vegetable oil, in the presence of small amounts of catalyst metals such as nickel, palladium, platinum or cobalt -- in a process described as partial hydrogenation. If the hydrogenation process were allowed to go to completion, there would be no trans fatty acids left, but the resulting material would be too solid for practical use.

Now, our daily allowance should be no more than 2 grams per day, let alone zero be ideal. Now I was researching on the new Oreo that came out, which the old recipe made Oreo's extremely unhealthy. This is from their website:

Q. How can this product be labeled 0 grams trans fat when it still contains partially hydrogenated oil?

A. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) is the final authority on food labeling in the U.S. and determines how nutrition information on food labels should be communicated to consumers. The FDA has determined that amounts of less than 0.5 g per serving for all fats, including trans fat, must be declared as '0' grams in the Nutrition Facts box on food labels. As a result, consumers may see a product that lists 0 grams trans fat on the label, but actually contains some trans fat. When a label shows 0 grams trans fat per serving and lists 'partially hydrogenated' vegetable oil (such as soybean or cottonseed, among others) in the ingredients, the product contains trans fat--it may contain up to 0.49 gram of trans fat per serving. Trans fat can also occur in some non-hydrogenated oils and some meat and dairy products.

So possibly, you could eat 4 Oreo's and still meet your daily quota. Unbelievable. That Oreo could have 0.1 grams, or 0.2 grams or shit.

And here's some irony:

�Ironically, public campaigns against saturated fat may have been a cause of increased consumption of trans fat. The Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI) campaigned against fast foods using saturated fats starting in 1984. When fast food companies replaced the saturated fat with trans fat, CSPI's campaign against them ended."

Oopsie! Way to fuck up! You know it was around the mid to late 80s when I noticed fast food started tasting different and more crappy.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Saturday June 17th, 2006 |> "THE START OF THE GAME IS BEING DELAYED DUE TO HANGOVER"

"whoopdy doo! iamThe#1fan, you're not that important. you don't speak for the board. you speak for iamThe#1fan and just iamThe#1fan. which isn't saying much in my opinion."

Sometimes message boards are pretty funny. Tho most of the time, they're pretty annoying. Why do I get this feeling that I just want to track these assholes down, and beat the living shit out of them? Oh yes, because on the internet, you're judged by your words, not by the color of your skin.

It's funny to see people have this "superiority impulse" over other posters, tho at times I've felt this too, but only against the biggest idiots on the board. Tho I could never get away with it, and it would only start a huge backlash against me, but I would love to start a thread on every board, with it saying, "I'm sick of this / these stupid asshole(s). Let's vote in the poll on who to ban from the board! I'm sick of this dick, sick of this stupid old fart dick, I'm sick of this one-trick-pony bitch, I'm sick of this asshole Barroids Bonds supporter, and this guy's an asshole and I hate his avatar." And of course, I would get no justice, I'd get a warning and possibly banned myself, tho not that I really care or anything. Seems you have to be a spammer to get yourself banned these days. Damn technicalities.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Monday June 19th, 2006 |> "Terry Twillstein: Tally Ho all. Is this perchance Tas-Tee Liquors?"

You know I saw the biggest idiot on the field is always the umpires / officials / referee's. How would you feel if your profession was based on some guy with his head up his ass along with his ego, and had to babysit, ..er monitor a bunch of guys on the field? Never mind that he probably didn't see the play or the mistake, but has to make a judgement or not. I thought the officiating in MLB was bad, but apparently it's even worse, as stated by the NBA Finals game 5.

"After Nowitzki's jumper with 9.1 seconds to go gave the Mavericks 100-99 lead, Wade took an inbounds pass wove and dribbled his way seemingly all over South Florida -- the Mavericks thought he pushed off and committed a backcourt violation -- before he fouled on a drive to the basket by Nowitzki

After Wade made another free throw following the timeout, Dallas guard Devin Harris missed a desperation heave. When the buzzer sounded, the Mavericks unleashed their anger.

Cuban, who was wearing the jersey of suspended forward Jerry Stackhouse, ran onto the court and screamed at official Joe DeRosa, then went to the scorer's table and stared down NBA commissioner David Stern and other league officials. Cuban then went up the tunnel toward their aisle and kept screaming and staring. Stern made his way out, but Cuban didn't let up. Considering he's been fined well over $1 million -- including $200,000 this postseason alone -- his tab could rise again before Game 6 in Dallas on Tuesday night. Players were irate, too.

All the Mavericks were hot, especially Dirk Nowitzki, who first punted the ball into the stands and then kicked a stationary bike in a hallway before turning his anger on anything in his way."

If I was Cuban, I probably would have punched Stern right in the face. I don't know how a ref can miss an obvious backcourt violation, there's a fucking LINE on the court. Especially late in the game during the FINALS with the series tied! Put more refs out there if you have to. You can't have them fuck up huge games like that! And of course, the NBA would rather have Miami & its Shaq and Wade win it than the German-led Mavericks win it.

<| Sunday June 18th, 2006 |> "Terry Twillstein: Tally Ho all. Is this perchance Tas-Tee Liquors?"

With 6 of the 8 American League All Star vote-leading starters either from the Red Sox or Yankees, it has become apparent there is a problem with the All Star Game. As if the "one player per team" rule wasn't stupid enough, the integrity of this "game" is ludicrous with its 32-player roster; 7 more than a real baseball game. And if MLB wasn't already extremely Northeast Coast ESPN-biased, they had to introduce online voting a few years ago. Um, yeah... If that doesn't already favor big market teams over smaller ones with less fans, Bud Selig had to come up with the stupid idea of making the All Star Game decide home field advantage for the World Series. In the old days, home field advantage was rotated yearly and fairly. And by my count, the first of this bullshit since 2003, the AL Team has won all 3 times, (2 of 3 World Series Champions) and by my count, deprived the White Sox of winning the World Series at home in 2005, since games 3 & 4 would had been in Chicago.

Bud Selig, a former used cars salesman, will pull out every trick he can under his masterfully devious scheme of which this soulless fiend can to make a sale to the public. If Bud Selig was truly and absolutely serious about making the All Star Game really matter, then he should take away the fan's right to vote. The fans have proven they cannot vote responsibly (tho this isn't something serious or anything) and most of the time, do not even vote with current knowledge, but with familiarity. Why would a broken down and old Johnny Damon even be playing / not DH-ing, left alone being voted an All Star starter?? You can't have it both ways, Bud.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Tuesday June 20th, 2006 |> "you are too fucking stupid to use the internet. please LEAVE"

Disco and the aftermath - A brief look back at the era.
By Dolph Rudager
ASSOCIATED PRESS

CHICAGO, IL - Back in the day, in the 1970s and 80s, when various things took over, like Disco music and their drug scene. I was too young to remember the Disco craze, but it did take over some popular culture like Peanuts and Sesame Street.

A scene from the Peanuts special "Flashbeagle":

Linus: "Hey Charlie Brown, isn't that your dog doing cocaine in Studio 54?"
Charlie Brown: "Good fucking grief!"
Snoopy: **dancing around** "Flashbeagle says, "show me the lines!""

Even the Muppets & Sesame Street got into the scene with "Sesame Street Fever":

Kermit the Frog: "Wow, look at Grover tear up the Disco floor! Come, Miss Piggy! Our lines await us!"
Miss Piggy: "Hold up, frog! I'm not done tying-up yet!"

Even the First Lady got into the thick of things, tho on the other side. Nancy Reagan went on to appear in Sesame Street, alerting the other muppets to "Just say NO.". Sesame Street creator & townsfolk Bob took the news particularly hard."

Nancy Reagan: "You know Sesame Street has a huge drug problem."

Bob: "um, no it doesn't. We don't have drugs in Sesame Street, Heck, we don't even have a letter for "drugs" in Sesame Street."

Nancy Reagan: "Then what's that smoking coming out of that trash can??"

Oscar the Grouch: **pops out of trash can with bloodshot eyes** "Hey kids, today's letters are M.J. for "Mary Jane!""

Bob: **getting nervous** "C'mon, c'mon, Oscar. He's just talking about his cousin Mary Jane Grouch."

Oscar the Grouch: "I tend to get pretty pissed when my dope runs out after smokin' dooooooooooooooobiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiies!"

Nancy Reagan: "I saw a skit the other day where Count was counting off the number of times he needed to use opium!"

Bob: "oh man! This can't happening! Oh man!"

And of course, being in Elementary school during the recent post-Disco craze, we were all dealing and wheeling on the merry-go-round. Passing that dope on the 'wheel. And then there was the "cocaine slide" where we'd put down our little cartons of milk, and climb up the stairs, and then snort the cocaine right off the slide as we rode down. And it's not like there were few of us. It was the early 80s, man. Everybody on the playground did coke. We were so strung out we couldn't sleep during nap time. All hocked up on the coke! Sometimes we'd sprinkle some cocaine on top of our cookies during cookies & milk time. Or we'd go toke it up in the playhouse in class. Since the teachers could still smoke in the school in those days, they could never sense our weed. Oh! And the most fun, we used to sprinkle cocaine on the erasers and fucking pound those fuckers together and made a cloud so big! Then eventually the 80s ended and we had to mature and finally pick up our crayons again to face the challenges of the 1990s. But oh, the 1980s, back when the cocaine fell freely from the sky on the playground like snowflakes in a blizzard.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Wednesday June 21st, 2006 |> "Peggy Hill still sucks."

Well I've done it again! I saved myself from a lot of scratching, itchiness, broken & possibly infected skin. So how did I do it? With a straw, of course.

Last night I unfortunately got bit by a mosquito right on the meaty part of the left elbow. It was swollen up to the size of a big pea. And it was itchy as hell. This was the kind of huge bite that would last at least a week, possibly two to three with scabbing. But I resisted temptation.

So I went to the cabinet, picked out a fast food straw and centered it right on the bite. Then I began sucking on the straw as hard as I could; two times for about 3 seconds each & spat. Gotta suck out those histamines, man. And since I couldn't actually see the center of the mosquito bite, those bites have a convenience of usually being in the center. So over night, the swelling went down, and it looks like I was never bitten.

Snake bites >>>> mosquito bites, it's all the same, man.

Man, the White Sox gave the Cardinals a total pounding last night. I was surprised Cardinals pitcher Mark Mulder, Chicagoland native and White Sox fan, was so bad that he gave up 9 runs in 2.1 innings. So the Cardinals, down like 16-2 in the bottom of the 6th, decide to bean two consecutive Sox batters, prompting warnings to both benches. So the top of the 7th comes along, and the Sox pitchers get the first two outs. Then they bean a Cardinal, a pinch-hitter, no less. So immediately Riske and Ozzie get ejected. So what's Ozzie supposed to do? Just let his hitters get beaned and not doing anything? We all know Tony LaRussa is a sore loser, and that Ozzie has been talking about rightful retaliation a lot lately. It's not like the Sox are starting shit with anybody, it's just these pussy-ass teams trying to look tough on a World Champion.

It was 20 years ago yesterday that the Sox fired LaRussa, which also was on June 20th, and the Sox score 20 against LaRussa. Reinsdorf has said the 2nd biggest mistake he ever had was firing LaRussa, and the 1st was hiring Hawk Harrelson as GM. Well no fucking shit, Sherlock. Why would you hire a redneck ex-terrible-ballplayer with an inferior brain and obnoxious personality? No, you wouldn't.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Thursday June 22nd, 2006 |> "manlaws are stupid."

I am a fast food whore. This includes cheap restaurants, too. For some reason, the food tastes so good. Probably because it's junk. Probably because I love burgers, fried chicken, roast beef, cheese, tartar sauce, burritos, deep fried batter fish, thick french fries, steak, pizza, etc. My impulse is to eat fast food every single day. One day it's a Frisco Melt, the next day it's a chicken strip meal, then the next it's a Philly Cheese Steak sub, then it's boneless buffalo chicken wings, etc etc. You get the idea. But without the extreme restraint and torture I put myself through, I'd have a 52-inch size waistline, arteries full of goo and an empty bank account. So I had to make some lifestyle changes, which includes making fast food a rare occasion, cutting down on portions and eliminating / banning certain foods. And about the only thing that's kept me alive at this point, was that when I used to eat McDonalds, I rarely got fries, and if I did, it was always the smallest size. After all, their fries are full of trans fat (even more than thought) and are the worse kind of artery-clogging fat. So I suggest to you that you never eat McDonalds fries again.

This has been another edition of the Purification Diet journal.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Friday June 23rd, 2006 |> "what's up, Carl??"

Boy, this country is REALLY getting stupidly sensitive. Ozzie Guillen calls Jay Mariotti a fag because he writes personal shit about Ozzie & never visits the stadium, and the media (the assholes they are) and the world suddenly acts like it's the worst thing EVER to happen!!!

Gee, and every sportswriter was of course against Ozzie (didn't see that bias coming) and people are lewd mad and are screaming for Ozzie to be fired. Yeah, right. Are people that lame? How can you get upset when he put it in context and it means something else in his country? How can you get upset, or even care, when it means so little in the real grand scheme of things? Mariotti can write all the shit he wants and get away with it, and Ozzie can't retaliate? How is that justice? It's not a big deal. Who cares.

Well for all you crybabies out there calling for his head and banishment from the game, here is the ruling: undisclosed fine, and sensitivity training. That's it, baby!!! And you know what the best thing about this, is? It's all up to the White Sox, to decide what the video is, how long, and how many sessions and for how many hours. Sweet! It could be for 30 seconds and that's the end of it. It could be this:
Sox: "Be cool, man."
Ozzie. "Okay".
Sox: "Sensitivity training is over!"
Ozzie: "Alright!"
Sox: "Now let's go get some beers!"

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Sunday June 25th, 2006 |> "a Louie-Louie, oh, peach gotta flow..."

Thursday I put down 'Thursday, June 21st (it was the 22nd) and I started Wednesday's with "Wednesday, June 21th". Suffice to say, quality control was apparently not considered lately at the Untitled Daily Column Project, but speed was the essence. And sometimes you run over a few rabbits when you're driving so fast. Things happen like that when you're the writer, producer, executive producer, editor, spell checker, fact checker, grammar checker, assistant editor, assistant proofreader, as well as head writer, commentator, editorial replier, website designer, graphic arts team, the P.R. team, President and C.E.O. And since this site gets about 0.5 hits a day, it really doesn't matter.

Oh ya, the US soccer team or something lost in some thing, I don't know. You know they should use a clear soccer ball with a gerbil inside of it. That would make soccer 0.0001% more interesting.

And one last comment about Ozzie and all his quotes. It's the media that keeps baiting him, because you got vanilla-bland Dusty Baker too busy chewing on a toothpick saying "I'd rather be out on the boat fishing" or "I don't know" over and over. Ozzie just makes their job easier because it gives them something to bitch about. So "boo" on you, Chicago media.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Monday June 26th, 2006 |> "faulty smoke detector started fatal fire"

Yeah we don't have too many guest entries from the Dolph Rudager family on here, so here's my dad, Godfrey Rudager. Take it away, old man.

"what the HELL is this thing I'm typing ON?!!!! Where's that chiming sound coming from??? What happened to my typewriter?!

God damn it! l;erhjhiopaerge4hyogkkl;; <------------ fists pounding on keyboard

SOMEBODY ANSWER THE GOD DAMN PHONE!

I want some stew and some ham!!! Swhere' s my phonograph and quart of corn oil? !! God fucking diggity damn it!! Is it time for my nap yet??! Matlock! Gunsmoke! Cowboys and indians!

SOMEBODY ANSWER THE GOD DAMN PHONE!

Fuck! Shit! ASS! My car is too fast! Meat doesn't taste good anymore! I have trouble digesting tomatoes! What kind of drugs are you young people on?! You shaggy haired kids are gonna burn in HELL!! God damn worthless generation! They're ALL worthless! My generation knew how to DO THINGS. We are the greatest generation of ALL TIME.

What was I talking about??! I don't like how Dolph goes for these 8-women orgies. I don't like the way he walks, either! Huh?? Huh?? What??? No I don't want a deer! NO! And you're not putting me in a home, either! Little whippersnappin' SHIT. God damn Winston and his Cribbage cheating ASS. Stupid senile old man!

Huh?? What?? You know in my day, we could carry our gun to town and smoke in the store. Then these LAWYERS took our guns and smokes away! They're taking away everything! I don't like things!

SOMEBODY BETTER ANSWER THE GOD DAMN PHONE RIGHT NOW!!"

It's time for his nap, so this was today's guest entry by old man Godfrey Rudager.

<| Tuesday June 27th, 2006 |> "I've killed them all, and I'll kill them all again!"

"Fucking SHUT IT DOWN!"

Man, this is the most incompetent group of chefs I have ever seen. 4 days into it, they still can't cook worth a shit. They still can't get a full service out, let alone any desert or all the entrees. I think Chef Gordon Ramsay is right: "these asshole fuckheads wankers are only qualified to be fast food chefs," since they apparently can only grill burgers and cook pizza (but can't roll dough worth a damn).

And it was amusing to see the old biker chick run to the store for ice, only to forget her money, and then while running on the sidewalk back to Hell's Kitchen, trips and falls right on her old face! And Sara's a bitch. Total two-faced sack of shit. She acts all stupid and nerdy and lame, then she's a vindictive back-stabbing dish-sabotaging bitch who feels no remorse. The World of Karma says she's next due to get kicked off the show, and from what I've seen in the previews of Day 5, she's about to get her nerdy chubby ass kicked by the pissed-off biker chick, who's probably drank beer in a few skulls in her day.

And 4 weeks due, old and fat Tom finally got his ass kicked out of Hell's Kitchen. It was rather amusing watching Tom burn his fat hands on extremely hot pans and nearly burn his face off in a wall of flames coming out of his pan. He really had no business being there; he had no chef skills whatsoever.

Hey, like Luanne Platter once said, "And he was SO bad, he got kicked out of HELL!" Man, how BAD would a person have to be to get kicked out of Hell?? Now that's something to brag about!

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Wednesday June 28th, 2006 |> "THE START OF THE GAME IS BEING DELAYED DUE TO ANTI-SEMETISM"

From time to time, an old baseball picture will pop up somewhere, and it's quite shocking at how different baseball players looked 16 years ago. Take a look here: http://chompy.urizone.net/images/06/062806.jpg from the Chompblog. You remember Oil Can Boyd. Tell me what you don't see anymore:

Powder blue road uniforms (tho I think that's a good thing)
super-thick pant / side-jersey / shoulder stripes
Stirrups
2 (in this case 3) toned caps
a form-fitting jersey that's not baggy / 6 sizes too big
a cap & back jersey with no MLB logo.

Slowly but surely before our eyes, the look of baseball changed (and it even fooled me!). Gone were the light-colored front panels in caps. Suddenly the cap logos began sticking out, which took about 3 to 4 years to perfect that. Colors got darker and uniforms got baggier, and stirrups disappeared and were replaced by bland color socks...not that you could see them, since the custom went from the pant leg ending at the mid-shin to past the ankles. I really don't understand the point of the baggy baseball uniform. All it does, is add weight, and makes you run slower, because of all the wind resistance. It's really stupid when you think about it. That's why they don't make football jerseys baggy.

And the players themselves are a lot fatter today. Players used to be so skinny, and there were everyday players with like .178 batting averages and many starting pitchers had ERA's in the 2.00's.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Thursday June 29th, 2006 |> "You get ONE napkin per year!"

I don't know what I'm more offended by: the lame name change or the new logo.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v258/OhioRoute283East/warhawk.jpg & http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v258/OhioRoute283East/warhawk4.jpg
Way to go, University of Louisiana-Monroe. Tho I've never heard of you, you have recently succumbed to the P.C. Police in changing your long traditional name of "Indians". What the hell kind of name is "Warhawks" ?? And don't we have enough bird mascots? I'm starting to think we have more bird school mascots than actual birds. But I have to say, this logo is extremely generic. The thing that jumps out at me about new logos compared to older ones, is how THICK the lines are these days. Of course, back in the old days, everything was hand-drawn with a pencil or pen. I bet you that birdhead logo took less than 5 minutes to draw on the computer.

And what's with the white streaks on the wings / head? Is that bird made of rubber? They should have called them the "Rubberhawks", that's an even more glorious worse name.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

<| Friday June 30th, 2006 |> "he was killed over fuel efficiency."

Another update for the homemade pizza journal.

Did a few things different this time. Tho I used the same flour tortilla, I used salsa for the sauce instead of the typical plain red tomato sauce. And I was too tired to grate a 2 pound piece of cheese, I instead decided to slice off some pieces and stacked them on there. Sprinkled a little bit of garlic powder on top of the cheese, too. This time I cooked it in convection mode with the fan spinning around at 400 degrees.

The results were fantastic. The crust turned to a crispy golden brown, all the of the cheese melted & cooked without any "spilling" over of the edge like their usually is. And it was nice and juicy. I have to say, the salsa brought out a ton of flavor and complimented the cheese very nicely. I have to say it was one of the best pizzas I've ever thrown together, and it was the most effortless one, too. The salsa was a nice alternative to wasting 2/3rds of a small can of tomato sauce. Next time, I might try a white pizza, and use olive oil instead of sauce, and get some finely diced garlic and parsley or spinach in there. With mushrooms, of course.

2005 WORLD SERIES

CHAMPIONS

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