07
20
>  Sunday April 1st, 2007  <   �The price of ginger has caused us to relocate.�

Alright, here we go again.  The Untitled Daily Column Project is back and it still has no name.  Opening Day is tomorrow, and I�ll have my baseball picks up shortly.  A few thoughts on this season:

I have no idea who will win the World Series.  The N.L. East is up for either the Mets or Phillies, the Central is so wide open the Milwaukee Brewers could win it, and the West is the usual borefest.  The A.L. East will be for the nth time Red Sox vs Yankees.  The theory going around is that the A.L. Central is going to have 4 first place teams in it.  However, Minnesota lost two starting pitchers, Cleveland has like no bullpen or solid starter past the # 2, and the Tigers will inevitably be strained with tired and overused arms like last season�s White Sox, and Kenny Rogers will miss at least half the season.  So basically, it�s the White Sox division to lose, and if people, especially the starting pitching and especially Mark Buehrle start tanking, then the Sox will finish either 3rd or 4th.  I didn�t even bat an eyelash when Ozzie Guillen said he wanted Carlos Zambrano in a Sox uniform next season.  Completely unrealistic, the Sox will never give out a contract for more than 3 years and they refuse to pay free agent pitchers (it�s all cheap and young from here out). 

Suffice to say, I wasn�t too thrilled of trading Freddy Garcia over the Winter, but apparently his velocity is still down and Kenny pulled a turd-on-your-face trade with the Phillies, and luck have it, the Phillies play in the most homer-friendly park.  I�m still pretty pissed off about the McCarthy trade with Texas, turns out the Sox didn�t like his �attitude� and other stupid shit.  Well shit, if I was a starting pitcher and I got stuck in the bullpen while a crappy pitcher like Javier Vazquez pitched in my place, I�d be pissed off too.  I�ll tell you about the White Sox: if you don�t get along and kiss their asses no matter how big of a jerk or how stupid they are or how warped their being of logic is, you won�t be on the team, no matter how good you are or what you�ve done for them. 

Also on Monday, we�ll have a new NCAA Basketball Champion.  I don�t ever recall the Championship being on the same day as Opening Day.  Two major events shouldn�t happen on the same day.  But anyways, the blog is back.  In conclusion:

Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Billy Madison: Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine.
>  Monday April 2nd, 2007  <   �Chicago Train Derailment Blues�







And now, my 2007 picks:

A.L. West
ANA
TEX
OAK
SEA


N.L. West
LAD
SD
SF
ARI
COL

* - Wild Card
ALDS: NYY over ANA in 3
ALWC: CHW over BOS in 5
ALCS: NYY over CHW in 6

NLDS: NYM over LAD in 4
NLWC: PHI over HOU in 3
NLCS: PHI over NYM in 6

WS: NYY over PHI in 6.

What is my reasoning behind this?  I don�t know.  Quite honestly, I could reverse any of those combinations, and I�d say potentially anyone of those teams could win it all.  All it takes is a hot streak.  I�m wary of picking a Philly team to win it all, since they tend to choke the most.  I say teams that are headed for a huge crash this year are: OAK, WAS, PIT, ATL, MIN and BAL.  In a happy world, the Devil Rays would qualify for a Wild Card and the Brewers would win the N.L. Central, with the D-Backs suddenly taking charge of the N.L. West and the White Sox start off April with 19 wins.  Of course, none of this will ever happen, and it will be the same boring shit again this year.  Yeah the Yankee�s Opening Day pitcher Carl Pavano hasn�t pitched since mid �05 and you�d love to see that pitching staff completely fall apart, but that stupid lineup of theirs will keep them in every game all summer. 

And now, we bring our attention to this matter: 755.  The once-thought unreachable and most prestigious of all sports records is now a mere fart away from being broken.  Karma will be doing everything it can through the people involved to make sure this doesn�t happen (maybe a little help from Karma�s cousin, �Superstition�, and his sister, �Coincidence�).  I can honestly say that if Bonds breaks that homerun record, we can officially burn the record book, because it will be completely useless & I will never believe a single record ever again nor will I ever defend a single stat ever again.  And I hope that if you get the Extra Innings package, that you have Direct TV, otherwise you�re completely shit out of luck.  Way to fuck your fans up the ass, MLB.
A.L. Central
CHW
DET
CLE
MIN
KC

N.L. Central
HOU
STL
MIL
CIN
CHC
PIT
A.L. East
NYY
BOS *
TOR
TB
BAL

N.L. East
PHI
NYM *
FLA
ATL
WAS
>  Sunday July 1st, 2007  <   "you really shouldn't play things backwards."







Well it is now July, and the White Sox are officially out of the pennant race.  Normally I don't look at the standings until after the All Star Game, tho I might have to move that rule up to June 1st.  What do the White Sox need?  Well let's see...3 outfielders, 2 middle infielders and a new bullpen, a new hitting coach, and of course, most importantly....new uniforms.  And what about not giving Mark Buehrle a full no-trade clause in his contract, thanks to Kenny being a motherfucker who wants everything his way; the ability to destroy the team whenever he wants incoming years.  The fact of the matter is it's pure idiocy not to lock up your most stable starting pitcher for 4 years under market value.  Suddenly this team is very old, very broken and very bad.  It's not my job to worry about who to fill in the holes nor the penny pinching salary issues. 

And a somewhat odd twist, we may all have to become A-Rod fans, since he is most likely to break (eventually) Bonds' homerun record.  Right now he is stuck at 751, and unless one of his legs gets blown off or he has a steroid-induced heart attack, he will most likely break the most cherish record in all of sports in a spectacularly ignored notion.  Of course nobody really gives a shit about records anymore anyway.  And shame on all of you who enjoyed the 1998 Home Run Chase, and all those other homeruns that have been flying around.  I knew exactly what was going on, and piss on all of you who were too na�ve.  Oh well.  Well, since we don't care about records anymore, you don't have to bother being an A-Rod fan.  He's a Yankee, and there isn't anything right about that.
>  Monday July 2nd, 2007  <   "'Gov't: we're vegetarians and yet we just legalized cannibalism. oh god..'"







Day 5, season 3 of Hell's Kitchen.  4 woman Red Team, 3 men Blue Team.  Today a wedding is happening at Hell's Kitchen, who is providing the food for them & their guests.  Morning Task: trip to supermarket.  30 minutes to find items to make a tasty menu of seafood, poultry and meat, $100 to spend.  Rock termed the Red Girl Team as "Hell's Bitches" because they argue, argue, argue!  And they do argue.  'United front' my ass.  Having to spend only 30 minutes to cook up the ingredients they picked up at the market, they had to serve it out, and the bride & groom taste to decide which dishes they like best.  The winner:  Men's crab appetizer.  Women's sea bass wins.  Meat entr�e: HAHA a shriveled up dried-out cut up piece of duck from the women's team.  Awwww that was just embarrassing!   Oh it looked like somebody took a shit on a plate.   Rock's prime rib wins.  Men team wins 2-1!  Men win a trip to the spa, another gender biased reward.   Chef Ramsay to the Men's team:  "You did a great job, you really deserve it. Now go fuck off!"

Ah, Hell's Bitches, turning on each other and forming a front against Melissa.  Classic.  Women's punishment is to decorate Hell's Kitchen dining room with a bunch of frilly shit for the wedding reception.  Terrible, terrible tedious shit.  Wedding done with, now on their way to eat at Hell's Kitchen; cooking in Hell's Kitchen.  And of course, the Women's team is screwing up the two Men's recipes.   Ramsay to Melissa: "If you just shut the fuck up for 30 seconds, you might learn something!!!"

Food service begins.  All appetizers out in an hour.  Awww, Ramsay ripping Melissa a new assole.  She is soooooo spaced out.  And now she's hanging around the Men's kitchen, looking for food.  Oh dear, he's accusing her of sabotaging!  Oh no!  He's screaming.  Screaming with rage!  All the food is served, and the losing team is the Women's Team.  Jen is declared best of the worst, and has to nominate two teammates.  Melissa is nominated!  Boy does she look strung out.  2nd nominee (usually the safe one): Bonnie!  Melissa is GONE!  SHIT.  Oh dear, Melissa has been booted to the Men's Team, because too many bridges were burned.  Chef Ramsay says "I'm giving Melissa one more chance..."  Translation: we lost 2 contestants in one night, and the episode order is 10. 

FUCKING SHUT IT DOWN.
>  Tuesday July 3rd, 2007  <   "Stairs! stairs! everywhere are stairs! breakin' my legs, greying my hair! Man did I warn you about the stairs??"







little known fact:

the original title of the Beatles song "Love Me Do" was actually entitled "Love Me Dope" and was performed that way until producer George Martin panicky intervened for a re-write up.

"Love, love me dope
You know I love you
I'll always be true
So pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease, love me dope
Whoa, 'love me dope

Love, love me dope
You know I love you
I'll always be true
So pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease, love me dope
Whoa, I love me dope!

Someone to love
Somebody new
Someone to love
Someone like you

Love, I love me dope..."
>  Wednesday July 4th, 2007  <   "He's getting promoted by getting a demotion."







Athlete: "And this sunscreen doesn't wash away, no matter how much I sweat."
Person: "So how do you wash it off?"
Athlete: "You don't.  It becomes a part of you forever."
Person: "That doesn't sound very pleasant."
Athlete: "I don't know, but I keep feeling like I want to use the product & all of its sponsors as well."
Person: "Oh My."
>  Thursday July 5th, 2007  <   "Scrotum burn"







And so, it is Summer, and that means the usual writing hiatus amongst bloggers.  People are outside, mowing their lawns, barbecuing, playing tennis, bowling, having key parties, fondue parties, etc.  Either people are too busy to write or it's too god damn hot to sit behind a computer and string a thought or two together.  Write stuff.  Just don't write about soccer.  Nobody cares about that inferior sport.  So now the following is an essay on why I think Interleague Play sucks.

"Interleague Play just doesn' seem right to me at all.  It seems odd and very wrong.  And judging by the unbalanced schedule / natural rivalries / unbalanced divisions / Wild Card, it's a very bad idea and favors certain teams (especially St. Louis vs. KC).  I believe the leagues should stay separate.  It makes the World Series & All Star Game that much better; the way it used to be.  Bud Selig has done a lot of terrible things to the game.  For every "good" Interleague match up, you get at least 5 to 6 crummy ones.

I say, if fans want to see teams from the other league, turn on the TV.  It's ridiculous to see Seattle at Wrigley or the Sox in Pittsburgh.  It's just odd, further deludes the schedule, the Interleague schedule has no integrity since it's now completely random every year.  And of course, not having a DH really hurt the Sox in those games (2-7).  Honestly, did anyone really care to see the Marlins or Astros at the Cell?

Interleague Play just doesn't help most of the teams in either league, and is further driven by the networks because the Top 3 markets have two teams, which I say is a crock of shit. Anaheim is 28 miles southeast of Los Angeles.  And in New York, it doesn't even matter because they're basically all Met & Yankee fans.  And if you had the choice, would you want to play the Cubs?   I wouldn't.  The April exhibition Windy City Classic was more than enough for me. If anything, with more teams in each league, now more so than ever should you play your league than the other.  An unbalanced schedule with Interleague Play with a Wild Card just plain doesn't work.  You just can't have those two things with a Wild Card.

I still have yet to hear other than money (and even that's up to debate, whether a team lost a series of the Yankees to say a Pirates series) on how Interleague Play has made baseball any better.

Baseball needs to stop trying to be like the other inferior sports and stick to their guns."
>  Friday July 6th, 2007  <   " 'I hurt my scrotum today... '"












Words..... cannot explain this......

I didn't see either Sox game, and apparently that's a very good thing.  Game 1 apparently had 5 errors by the Sox, 12 runs given up by Garland in only 3.1, 18 of the 20 runs were earned!  So much for the theory (tho accurate) that dry air (44%) is more dense than humid air*.  

* - "Humid air is less dense than dry air at the same temperature and air pressure.  A projectile flying through humid air will travel slightly farther than it would in dry air.  Here's why:  The proportionally averaged molecular weight of the primary gases of which dry air is composed (78 percent nitrogen, molecular weight 28 and 21 percent oxygen, weight 32) is 29.  A water molecule, however, has a weight of 18.  When water vapor is added to the mix of atmospheric gases, the mix becomes less dense." [cited from [email protected], June 26, 2007]

How the hell do you score 14 runs and lose???!?!?!  What's even worse, is in Game 2, is they only managed 5 fucking hits!  Good fucking thing these games don't matter!  Although we did see some blood shed, tho it probably wasn't intentional, especially with Jim Thome doing it.  Thome fouled off a ball in the 1st, then he lost control of the bat and it hit the ump's arm and Twins catcher Mike Redmond in the head, promptly slicing the skin open.  So Mauer, who was DHing, was put behind home plate & the Twins pitchers had to bat.  A little rule in the A.L. is that if the DH comes to play anywhere on the field, you lose the DH.  I'm sure this rule was put in place so people (like me) wouldn't abuse the rule and rotate guys in and out every inning.  Tho apparently my 8 year old High Heat game doesn't recognize this rule.  Starting pitcher Matt Garza became the first pitcher to hit in an American League game since Boston's Hipolito Pichardo at Seattle on July 31, 2000.  As for the Sox, I think the last time it happened to them was before the DH rule.  Oh wait, it was in June, I forgot about the bullshit Interleague Play.  They had 8 hitters and the Sox STILL couldn't score!
>  Saturday July 7th, 2007  <   " 'Yeah that Becker...he's a real cheap bastard.' '







What the HELL is wrong with the White Sox??  It's the hottest day of the year, 95 degrees, heat index near 100 degrees and they are wearing their black alternate jersey.  Idiots!

I think Kenny Williams has finally lost his mind.  Mark Buehrle is a Top 10 A.L. starter, reliable and Williams is so scared about being stuck with him for 4 more years; tho he had no problem with the first 7.  Idiot!  This is like watching a train wreck in slow motion.  He's the last guy on the team that should be traded. 

"Yeah let's trade the fan favorite!  That'll put people in the seats!" 

The White Sox are getting dumb and they better know it.  This is almost as bad as releasing Carlton Fisk in 1993 when the Sox were in Cleveland.  Idiots!
>  Sunday July 8th, 2007  <   "Yeah that Becker...he's a real asshole."







Whew!!  Buehrle has re-signed with the White Sox!  4 years, $56 million, no trade clause for 1 season, if traded a 5th year & goes up to $15 million.  This stupid shit is finally over with.  To say the past few weeks felt like Dooms Day is putting it mildly.  Everyone thought Buehrle would be gone; his Monday start; his Saturday start.  What the hell is wrong with a GM who torments fans & players like that??  Are you trying to prove you're some cocky tough shit or something?  As for the rest of the jag-offs, you trade their sorry asses. 

Apparently the Simpsons movie is coming out later this month or something.  What the hell could they possibly have to do after 400+ episodes??  Unless the movie is filled with F-bombs and profanity, what's the point?  The Simpsons are completely irrelevant in today's society.  Wow look at this: "MPAA Rating:  PG-13 for irreverent humor throughout."  Yeah let's be offensive for the sake of being offensive!  Might as well change 'irreverent' to 'irrelevant'.  "Homer Simpson must save the world from a catastrophe he himself created.".   Oh what did dum-dum do now?  Ate the wrong donut and a nuclear bomb went off?  I don't know.  The Simpsons stopped being funny when they tried to make Homer as stupid as possible and strayed away from unique dialog.  But all I know is, movie boycotts never work and they make a lot of money.
>  Monday July 9th, 2007  <   "Here Comes The Turd - The Beatles "

A completed playwright of general basis of the newspaper comic strip "Zits".

Jeremy & Hector hanging out.

Jeremy: "Stupid Sara won't put out!!!"

Hector: "Oh come on!"

Jeremy: "She won't let me feel her up or eat her out or even get to 2nd base!!!"

Hector: "Man.."

Jeremy: "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Hector: "Man!"

Jeremy: "I have URGES!!!"

Hector: "Dump her sorry ass."

Jeremy: "Dump that shit.  Done with THAT shit." **phone rings**

Sara on phone: "Hi Jeremy, I'm going shopping!  I need someone to carry the bags."

Jeremy oh phone:  " **siiiiiiigh** Okay. "

Hector: **moans**

Jeremy: "I'm working on it, alright??!!"

Hector as smartass-matter-of-factly: "At this rate, your grandkids will be having sex before you will be."

Jeremy: "Shut up I know what I'm doing!!!"


Time passes.  Jeremy & Hector are hanging out in the living room.  Jeremy sitting on furniture, using it incorrectly, en nausea.


Walt carrying laundry: "Jeremy, would you please gather up your dirty laundry?"

Jeremy: "No I'm busy."

Walt: "You stupid lazy shit!"

Jeremy points: "That detergent is bad for the environment! "

Walt: "You stupid god damned lazy spineless shit!!  Your stupid lazy-ass generation is nothing more than a bunch of whiny, lazy technological whores!! "

Jeremy as a-matter-of-factly: "Yeah why don't I just sit there getting fatter and older while listening to the Eagles."

Walt: "Your generation is worthless!!  You'll never get anything done because you all never get out of bed before noon, you leech on the old for all of your gadgets and money, and you're all just a bunch of stupid pissy Liberals who are extremely LAME. "

Jeremy: "Geez dad, lighten up!"

Walt points to Hector: "And YOU.  Look at you.  You're pathetic!  You're a total sell-out, becoming vegan 'cause your hippie hairy-armpitted girlfriend doesn't eat meat, you somehow manage to be completely 'bi-polar annoying' and your waistline is ghastly obese!! "

Hector: "Hey!"

Walt: "You worthless god damn kids make me sick!!  You make me want to kill myself!! 
Damn the hell out of all of you!  You have anything to add, Connie???"

Connie points at Jeremy: "Jeremy pick up your shoes!!!!!  It wouldn't be a Zits comic strip if we didn't show the size-40 tennis shoes!!!  What are you going to do with your life??!"

Jeremy lazily: "I.... don't..... know.  I'll be a Rock God or a pirate."

Walt: "How in the HELL can somebody with a 4.0 G.P.A. have absolutely no direction in life and be so stupid?!"

Jeremy: "I don't know.  Is it time to eat yet?"

Walt: "Maybe I should take you to the orthodontist chair and drill some sense into you!!"

Jeremy: " (insert some Environment rhetoric) !!!"


time passes.  Jeremy on phone


Jeremy: "Sara, would you please like to go out Friday night?"

Sara on phone: "Sorry Jeremy, I have to pick up the pine cones in the forest." **hangs up phone**

Jeremy:  **begins punching monitor** "Gosh darned son of a bee's wax!"
Jeremy: "Dad this computer is SO slow!"

Walt: "I don't know anything about e-male."

Connie: "I'm crazy and I don't know how to deal with any situation!!!!  I supposedly have a PHD but I lack general intelligence!!!  I don't understand teenagers!!!"

Jeremy: **rolls eyes** " (insert smartassed remark that would land most teenagers a beating of a lifetime) !!"


time passes.  Jeremy on phone


Jeremy: "Hey Sara, do you want to hang out tonight?"

Sara on phone: "Sorry Jeremy.  We just got new toilet paper and we need to count the ply
sheets."  **hangs up phone**

Jeremy: "UGH!!!"
Jeremy begins stomping around room: "This is totally not fair!!! I feel totally invalidated!!!  What the hell kind of girfriend is Sara?!!!  She won't let me do stuff to her!!!   UGH!!  All I think and want is about is sex, sex, sex because that's all that's perpetrated in the media!!!" 

Connie: "Is something wrong, Jeremy?"

Jeremy: **freezes up and runs away**

end
>  Tuesday July 10th, 2007  <   " 'What a beautiful slutty outfit she's wearing.' "

Day 6 of Hell's Kitchen!!  3 women Red Team, 3 men 1 women Blue team.  Melissa is banished from the Red Team!  Morning challenge: creative cooking with live lobster.  Josh is excluded from the challenge for fairness & sarcastic reasons, from claiming lobster was scallops in the previous blind / deaf taste challenge.  And little blonde Bonnie is freaking out about killing lobsters!  Oh nooooo!  She cries when she kills them!  Squeeeeeaaaaaaal!  Appetizer dishes.  3 for each team. 1-1 with a showdown.  Ah shit, Red Team wins AGAIN.  Bullshit.  Oh come on!  It's the Photoshoot reward.  It's ALWAYS the women's team in those!  What bullshit.  Punishment: dig thru all of Hell's Kitchen's trash can and find stuff to recycle.  That makes no sense whatsoever.  Rock's all pissed off.  He's very angry 'cause his unique lobster tail appetizer lost to lobster soup.  Oh, it's a bunch of trash, cans, bottles and washing thru a shitload of garbage.  Oh that's just rubbing it in.  Forcing Rock to go pick up the trash at the Women's photoshoot (tho they've done that before) to get it recycled.  Oh man!  Rock's really pissed! 

Ah the Women team feels food in preparing their dinner service, being one woman down.  Addition by subtraction, reminds me of a certain White Sox club.  Blue's team is forced to grab the live lobsters from the tank for both teams.  Fuck.  Blue's team falling behind in the appetizers. Brad cooked the wrong appetizer, stupid dumbass.  Oh dear!  Bonnie put some liquid in a pan and it set off a huge fire!  Oh no!  So far Melissa doesn't know how to prepare the scallops appetizer.  Fire!  Fire everywhere!  And Josh fucked up the mashed potatoes and fucks over the Blue's team.  Ah Melissa overcooked the fish.  Oh fuck no.  No no no!  Oh no.  Blue Team is not getting much food pushed out, and then 6 dishes come back.  Fucking SHUT IT DOWN.  Guess the Blue Team lost. 

All 4 of the Blue Team has to nominate 2 members.  There's a good chance that the "New Yawker" Melissa will get nominated.  Josh is already conceding he'll be nominated.  Wow, Chef eliminates Melissa without any pleading!  She really blew it, tho.  Brad and Josh step forward!  It's pretty obvious Josh is going.  A lot of swearing going on.  Full of excuses and pathetic cooking.  The decision is..... oh dear!  Both of them.... back in line.  Oh dear.  3 vs 3 now. 

FUCKING SHUT IT DOWN.
>  Friday July 13th, 2007  <   "New NBA rule: first basket wins."







Dolph: **presses play button on answering machine**

answering machine: *beeeeep*

"Hello Dolph Rudager, this is Rick Bayless.  I'm calling you to remind
you that I heard about your little 'cooking show' that you set up shop
at WTTW-11.  Let me set the message straight: 'This is MY town.  There's
only enough room for one chef in Chicago and that's ME.'  And yes, I know
my brother Skip sucks and I know everyone thinks he's a complete
moron.  I've read his column, I know.  But beware, Rudager... skip town!
Rats sometimes find their way onto Heath Code Department violation
reports!  Beware!  Leave town, Rudager.  Sabotage.  Sabotage.  ~Rick."

*beeeeeeep*

Dolph: "Oh fucking shit....."
>  Wednesday July 11th, 2007  <   "I think it's more of you thinking from your fat ass & it coming out of your big mouth."

Headliner: Rowand not a hero - writes ticket out of Philly
By Dolph Rudager
Associated Press

CHICAGO - In the bottom of the 9th, 5-4 A.L. 2 outs and bases loaded, Aaron Rowand up to bat facing K-Rod of the California Angels.  Flies out to right, blowing the N.L.'s chances for home field advantage in the World Series. Now on to the pre-game shit.

Baseball has really turned its All Star Game into a farce, and it's really sad.  The N.L. was trying to snap a 9 game winless streak.  First there was this "Tee for a million" shit, where some douchebag gets 3 swings off a tee to hit some signs in the outfield.  Of course it was a miserable failure.  And then on the television side, there was a shameless Simpsons movie promo with some clip on the All Stars.  The Simpsons aren't funny anymore.  The players were introduced, with the Dodgers booed.  Then they're pulled off the field, and the Willie Mays shit starts.  Long television interview bit, then a slower-than-fuck walk from centerfield, then a bunch of talking amongst themselves, then they put a fake pitching rubber & plate in the outfield (what the fuck?), Willie throws a ball, then starts taking his clothes off (some say the current Giants jersey he was wearing was just so wrong, with "Say Hey" above the numbers despite the Giants having no surnames on the back of the home jersey) then they proceed to put Willie in an effeminate pink Cadillac and drive around the stadium throwing 2 boxes of baseballs to the fans.  Um, okay?  Who comes up with this shit?!

Game?  Game?  GAME?!  First pitch was at 5:54 PST, ridiculous.  Bonds batting 2nd in the 1st, flied out to right on a 1-2 count.  Got played like a fiddle.  Was way out in front. Ha ha ha.  In the 3rd, Bonds flies out to the warning track in left, and he was pissed.  SIT DOWN. 

The highlight of the game came for me in the 5th, Ichiro hits the first ever inside-the-park homerun in ASG history, with a shot to the rightfield that ricocheted off the cut-out on the padded fence.  Ken Griffey Jr totally misplayed it and it's all his fault.  Only problem was, the fucking announcers were talking to some D-Back kayaking and they were talking about his fucking dog the whole time!  I'm sorry that I guess we're all too bored with watching a baseball game that we need to talk to be distracted by some hippie baseball player, silly us. 

Flash forward, basically nothing happened for most of the game and it was 5-2 in the 9th before the Mariner's closer decided to make it interesting by giving up some runs.  At least one of the worst umpires in the game, Bruce Freomming, took some foul shots on his fat and old arm & chest.  I've read he's one of the worst umpires out there and likes to draw attention to himself. 

Notes: Torii Hunter wore his home TC Twins cap on the road.  Surely he's going to get kicked out of the league for that kind of mischief.  With 32 roster spots, Albert Pujols & Bobby Jenks did not play.
>  Thursday July 12th, 2007  <   "Over-time will be decided by shooting free throws"
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And there it is!  The Chicago White Sox are repeating champions and the first World Series champions of the New Millenium in the Rob Deer Season!  Included are playoff bracket, standings and team player stats.  As it is with the team, they were either first or last in the stats, best homerun hitting team / average / throwing walks, last in stolen bases, walks, etc.  Tho there are a few that aren't on there, like Sean Lowe who was promptly demoted to Class-A then released after posting a 22.50 ERA drilling in 2 IP, Eric Gagne getting shipped to Class-AA after getting shelled with a 7.70 ERA in 9.1 IP, who never seemed to dominate any hitters.  It was also the end of Bob Howry's stay on the Sox, whose velocity somehow dipped 15 mph and was in the mid 70s, despite no injury, but his ERA inflated to 11.00+ and his stupid ass was traded to the Mariners for rookies.  This season had a slow start for last year's MVP "What's up Carl" Vaughn, hit .359 with 19 HRs and 45 RBIs in '00 had a pretty good '01, and Dolph Rudager remains undefeated, now 23-0 lifetime and picked up his 2nd Cy Young award.  Tho this season wasn't all cheese and beer.  The situation at SS was dire.  Brian "The Todd" Todd was horrible hitting, barely hitting .200 for the half season he played, and every SS in the minor leagues was brought up and still none of them could hit.  Then they decided "we got like 10 3rd basemen in the minors, stick one at short", and thus, 3B Orville Crouch was stuck in SS and fielded his position flawlessly. 

There also was compulsory steroid testing every week, and suffice to say, a few got kicked out of the league.  Sammy Sosa, Rafael Palmeiro, Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi, Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire, Jay Bell, Jason Grimsley, Gary Shefield and a few others.  And keep in mind, these teams / players last current season was in 1999, so yeah, some of these guys were in the primes of their career, or at were still juicing.  Here's some highlights:

Pitcher threw perfect game:
---------------------------
  May 22:  Tim Hudson (Chicago <AL>)

against Baltimore April 16:  Dolph Rudager (Chicago <AL>) with 20 K's against Cleveland
April 25:  Danny Sanford (Chicago <AL>) with 5 hits against Minnesota
All Stars:
P  - Chris Carpenter          Chicago <AL>
P  - Dolph Rudager            Chicago <AL>
1B - Paul Konerko             Chicago <AL>

2001 Season Awards

WORLD SERIES(tm) CHAMPIONS              W         L         PCT
Chicago <AL>                            44        6         .880

MVP - AMERICAN LEAGUE                   Team      AVG       RBI       HR
Bill Donohue                            CHW       .388       38       12

BEST PITCHER - AMERICAN LEAGUE          Team      ERA       W         L
Dolph Rudager                           CHW       0.68      13        0

BEST RELIEF PITCHER - AMERICAN LEAGUE   Team      ERA       W         L         S
Steve Reed                              CLE       3.00       0        0         14

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR - AMERICAN LEAGUE    Team      AVG       RBI       HR
Ed Sewell                               CHW       .270       65       28
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>  Sunday July 15th, 2007  <   "You used to sound like horseshit, but now you're up to dogshit"







Somebody farted: "The NFL Europe league folded; did anybody notice?"

After 16 years and hundreds of millions of dollars, the NFL decided to cease games in Europe.  The skinny?  Dwindling attendance and losing $30 million per season.  The whole idea was to spread the American game in Europe while scouting for talent.  Neither happened, especially in London. 

Some more madness: The NFL, wants a 17th regular season game, and it wants to do it on foreign soil, with multiple teams.  There is also talk that "by 2017, there will be an NFL team in Toronto, and talk of putting NFL teams in Mexico and possibly Germany" (the place were 5 of 6 teams played in the final Europe season).  The whole point of the madness is get the real thing around the world, then eventually put teams there.  And depending on where you live and where they put the teams in Europe, they could be playing night games while the game still starts at Noon or 1 by you.  The NFL seems compulsively obsessed about expanding the game.  When you have teams like the Detroit Lions, you shouldn't be expanding your product.  In other words, look for more watered down football.
>  Saturday July 14th, 2007  <   "Happy Go Fuck Yourself Day!"







I read an article the other day about a local writer commenting about how South Florida isn't big enough for 4 pro-teams.  Gauging against other cities with four teams: New York, Boston, Philadelphia, Detroit, Chicago, Atlanta, Denver, Washington D.C., Dallas, Phoenix, they ranked D.C. as barely as sports town while Atlanta was a bad one, but Miami being the worst.  They said part of the problem, is gauging the population numbers and interests in a "very different kind of place".  They say it's a big sports town, which of course is complete bullshit, especially w/ the Marlins drawing 7,000 on nights during a championship season.  The mood I gathered from this article was apathy.  They don't seem to cherish their teams.  The Marlins play in a crummy football stadium, The Dolphins have sucked forever, nobody paid attention to the Heat until they got Shaq, and the Panthers, well hockey in South Florida makes no sense whatsoever.  Plus you have the Miami Hurricanes on Saturdays.  I think part of the problem is most of the teams are so new.  They got 3 expansion teams in 5 years, which is way too much too soon.  They don't have much tradition at all, so I can see why they're not so attached to them.  I wouldn't be surprised in the 10 to 20 years to see teams leaving South Florida.  As for the Marlins, MLB is hellbent on keeping the team in South Florida, tho a better idea would be to put new MLB funded stadiums in either Portland or Montreal.  Thus you get your continuing Expos or your Portland Screaming Beavers.  Plus Portland only has one professional team for competition & You'd get a Mariners / A's rivalry going.
>  Monday July 16th, 2007  <   "Welcome to Dumbfuckville!"







Day 7 of Hell's Kitchen!  3 guys vs 3 girls.  Morning challenge.  Turning leftovers into entrees and appetizers in 30 minutes, with leftover uncooked / stored food.  Both teams were given identical amounts of food.  20 minutes gone by, the Women's team has yet to pick a single dish.  Smell's like a Men's victory!  Bonnie vs. Brad with appetizers.  What the hell, a draw?? 1-1.   Total bullshit.  Brad's tomato pasta dish was superior to chicken tomato soup.  Jen pulls out eggs and steak.  Josh made a raw chicken and acidic sauce dish.  Both get no points.  Bonnie vs Rock.  Rock's surf n turf, rib eye and sea bass.  Bonnie's dish, and Ramsay cusses at first moment!  Deep fried battered sea bass and fries. fish 'n chips.  Men win the challenge!  Dull women's showing.  Punishment: scrub down Hell's Kitchen and unload the supplies from truck.  Men's reward is paintball, and they get to shoot the hell out of Ramsay. Heh, the women's team's faces are on targets during target practice.  Awww, Bonnie screwed up the fish load, picked up the box of fish skeletons instead of the filets.  Hmmm.. Chef Ramsay is suited and shooting against them.  Josh ends up winning with two teammates down.  Awww.. the women's team totally fucked up the delivery.   Maitre'D Jean Philippe Susilovic is pleading for the returning men to help lift up the boxes because he has back pain, only the Men's team blows it off, laughing and laughing and laughing back to their rooms. 

Task: each team create new menu of 3 appetizers, 3 entries and 3 desserts in one hour for the night's service.  Awww, Jen and Bonnie are getting moody!  "Don't be such a bitch, Jen!"  With a Men's menu and a Women's menu both shown to every customer.  Women's menu gets the first pick.  Ah, Brad's choking with his ravioli.  Bah.  Lots of people ordering Julia's New York Strip Steak.  What a cop-out easy menu idea.  Ah, Josh getting yelled at: "You can't cook!!"  Chef Ramsay also called one of them a 'monkey'. 

52-48 Women's (Red) menu.  Damn, Josh having major problems cooking his lamb.  This looks like the end of Josh.  Oh dear.  Heh, Ramsay making fun of the way Jen walks.  Awww, picking on poor little Bonnie, whose behind on her food orders and really confused.  Very chaotic episode.  Yaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy Ramsay rage!  Kicking trash cans.  "You're not even fucking talking to each other!" to the Women's team.  As far as I can tell, there's still way too many screw ups going on right now.  Ooooo!  Led Zeppelin reference!  "Communication Breakdown, driving me insaaaaaaaaaaaaaane!" 

All dinner services were completed.    There is no winning team.  Julia is deemed the winner due to no returned food.  Well, shit, it's pretty hard to fuck up steak!  Ramsay yelled at Rock & Brad for not coming to Josh's aide when he needed their help.  Julia has to nominate one woman.  Men's team has to figure out who on their team is to be nominated for elimination.  Julia picks Bonnie, Men's team picks Brad.   Ah, Brad and Rock banter.  Awww poor Bonnie, looks like she's gonna cry.  How sad.  Brad goes home.  It's all about ratings, isn't it?  "Let's see, who should we pick to go home, sweet little Bonnie vs massively morbidly obese & non-confrontational unattractive boring Brad?  Hmmm!!  Who should we boot to keep those fickle viewers watching?!!"  Ha.  Bonnie thinks Chef Ramsay thinks there's a chef in her.  Ha!  Uh oh, early elimination next week!  The teams merge as one.

FUCKING SHUT IT DOWN.
>  Tuesday July 17th, 2007  <   "Ooooooooo yeaaaaaaah it's a magic vannnnnnnnnnn...."







Husband and wife with teenage son at the movie theatre lobby.

Dad: "Two large popcorns, two jumbo drinks, and a Junior Mints."

cashier: **pauses**

Dad: "What?  That's all."

cashier: "That's a lot of expensive food, Sir."

Dad: "Yeah..."

cashier: "You know the popcorn isn't very healthy."

Dad: "Okay...."

cashier: "I mean, the chemicals they use to coat them aren't even real.  And the popcorn is old and stale & has been sitting out for months.  Plus the kernels aren't even real corn.  They're made from warehouse waste materials & disposed Hospital bandages."

Dad: "Can I get my food??"

cashier: "Quite honestly, you'd be better off eating the foam from the padded seats."

Dad: "Look I want my fo..."

cashier: "And these Junior Mints, what a total rip-off.  You can get them for like $4 cheaper at the gas station around the corner.  And theirs doesn't have less candy than the box says like ours."

Dad: "What are you doing?!!  There's a long line behind me!!!"

cashier ranting on: "And even worse, we water down our sodas.  I don't know what to do about it.  I wanted to install a grill, maybe an espresso machine, sell some organic green salads, some
clam chow-dah, some fruit..."

Dad: "Give me my food, god damn it!!!!"

cashier: "Sir, I should be paying YOU for all the damage our products are doing to your body.  You might as well be eating a box of razor blades and..."

Dad: "..seat foam."

cashier: "..yes!  And after walking on our theatre floors, I'd recommend putting your shoes in a baggie once you get in your car and proceed to boil them in water when you get home."

Dad: "Um, okay."

cashier: "Here's your 'food'.  I hope the movie isn't ruined by our overly priced tickets.  Quite honestly, we could sell them for under a buck.  I don't know how you could possibly enjoy this.  It's an absolute poor value on the Entertainment Dollar.  I would absolutely agonize over this..."

Dad: "Finally!!  I don't care!!" **grabs food and family runs to seats**

cashier: "Be safe!"

new customer: "I'd like a jumbo popcorn with extra butter, and some imitation red licorice."

cashier breaks down: "Nooooooooooo....... noooooo........"

end
>  Wednesday July 18th, 2007  <   "I have 1,000 monkeys on typewriters to make my blog material."







dude #1: "siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh."

dude #2: "What's the matter, dude?  You seem really down!"

dude #1: "I still can't get over that they canceled 'Andy Richter Controls The Universe'."

dude #2: "Dude that show was canceled like 4 years ago!"

dude #1: "siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh."
>  Thursday July 19th, 2007  <   "Haha, these old war heroes seem to have a bondage / discipline  machismo complex."







Two more jerks.  Two more cocky motherfuckers who think they're hot shit.  I'm talking about Cubs pitchers Ted Lilly and Will "I really suck" Ohman, who gave up Bonds homeruns #752 and #753.  "Oh yeah, I think I'll challenge Bonds [machine made by Science and drugs] and throw a fastball right down the middle of the plate!  He won't hit it nor will he ever expect it!" You are wrong.  And you're stupid to think you can beat something that isn't natural.  And no, Bonds, it isn't respect towards you if they walk you, it's respect for the game.  And what ever happened to showing that respect towards the game with a nice fastball to the knees?  It may have come to the point that baseball players are paid too well and enjoy their job way too much to actually stir up feelings.  Baseball players just don't care anymore.  Or pitchers have an unusually high opinion of themselves.  "My fastball can blow anybody away".  Wrong.  You are dead wrong.  Stupid poor baseball player.  But a few things are certain:

Bonds will break the record at home, that's a given.
There will be a big stupid celebration amongst masturbational Giants fans who wouldn't know legitimacy if it were a dog pooping shit that landed on their shoe
There will be fans that don't care about anything (mostly in general) and say Bonds was clean the whole time.  But that is not true, because whether or not he actually knew it (self-contained laughter) he did use The Clear and The Cream and said so under oath. 
Pitch counts do matter and managers / Dusty Baker of his generation are idiots
I still don't know how I feel about bringing back powder blue road uniforms
Some of us will feel that Hank Aaron is still the legit & clean home run leader

Dooms Day is upon us, tho it really won't be that big of a deal and it really would be cool if it happened on the road and it went totally unnoticed, and see Bonds all pissed off after crossing the plate, go "Hey!  What the fuck?!  Where's my celebration??  Where's my plaque??  Where's my parade??!  Where's my Jaguar?!!!  Where's my solid gold toilet?!!  Where's my solid 24-karat gold Jaguar??!"  And then he would be showered with boos.  Too bad it'll never happen.
>  Friday July 20th, 2007  <   " 'Lady....from the moment I farted...' "







Cursed by EA Sports football's John Madden cover, Atlanta Falcons QB Michael Vick has been indited with a dog fighting operation.  Reports are saying endorsements are falling off the shelves, finding beaten up dogs and blood everywhere, unearthed some dog graves, all in a multi-state dog fighting housing operation.  Blame it all on the Madden cover, folks.  That thing is a curse.  Daunte Culpepper, whose on the cover of my copy of the horrible Madden series, recently got released by the timid Miami Dolphins.  There have been many curses and freakish injuries to Cover Players (including Vick) and even death.   Some people are saying that this dog fighting thing is worse than steroid use, or wife beating or corked bats.  There's a pretty good chance that Vick will be suspended and jailed for this, and it's pretty safe to say his jersey won't be in the Top 10 of sales.  Or maybe people are already too desensitized to even notice in this very Hell-paced world where we're exposed to so much.  "They're pro-athletes, they tend to get involved in all kinds of things.  As long as they try to help my team win they're a-okay."

Burger King reached new standards of absurdity when the BK Stacker came out last year, that came out plain with cheese (mmmm) and multiple patties and strips of bacon (ick) and a mayo sauce.  I had a triple Stacker and it was still incredibly small.  I was still hungry after it.  Now Wendy's introduced the Baconator, with two 1/4 lb (thin) patties, two slices of cheese and 6 slices (two layers) of bacon with ketchup and mayo for $4.89.  What a total grease-cholesterolfest.  And when did Porky start getting so much love?  And Wendy's also had a triple cheeseburger (narrated by Zach Braff, of course) for 1.99, not that you should be eating Wendy's in the first place. 

Steroids and golf?  Noooooooo........!  Gary Player (who?) said that pro golfers have been using steroids and at least 10 players worldwide use performance enhancing drugs.  Pretty spiffy when your sport has no drug testing.  Who knew you needed to be an athlete to play golf?!  They can put up all the testing they want, but there still is no test for HGH, so players could pop that day and night.
>  Saturday July 21st, 2007  <   "Well aren't you compulsively disordered!"







A crooked ref in the NBA?  Nooooooooo..........!  13-year vet Tim Donaghy, now retired, has been the target in an FBI organized'crime probe that Donaghy bet on NBA games, including ones he officiated.  WHOO!  Looks like Pete Rose got a new identity!  Donaghy has been in the middle of things, including the Brawl to end all brawls in sports (Pistons / Pacers) and this past season, included a suspicious Bulls / Knicks game which I believe I watched on WGN, Knicks trailed 56-34 at halftime, attempted 16 free throws in the first 5 minutes 28 seconds of the 3rd quarter.  The Bulls attempted 2.  Coach Scott Skiles also got two technical fouls in that game. 

What's interesting about betting on the NBA, is that most betters don't pick a winner, but the winner's margin of victory will be above or below a specific number.  The implications of an NBA referee are huge.  Next to football, basketball is pretty hard to watch all 10 guys at once on TV with all that moving around.  A crooked official altering calls in a game for his own personal benefit.  This looks especially suspicious to another Bulls game I believe I watched, the OT 123-121 loss to the Warriors in Oakland.   Now if basketball wasn't already full of bad / missed calls **cough cough TRAVELING cough cough** then I'd probably be a little bit upset.  Maybe I'm desensitized, but gambling within a sport will rock the foundation of creditability.  And this of course pretty much kills any chance of a team put in Las Vegas.  It's been quite a week.

Soon the links page will be expanded on the site, as well as a monthly archives page plus a small baseball resource & my baseball uniform & logo concepts.
>  Sunday July 22nd, 2007  <   "Turk-out!"







I find it hilarious that MLS's biggest new import of David Beckman, thinks that giving him millions of dollars (5-year $250 million contract, after a quick search, yeah, that's laughable) and it turns out he can't even play in his first game because of a swollen ankle!  MLS thinks with Beckman signing with the Los Angeles Galaxy it will lure more fans to soccer.  I didn't even know Los Angeles had a team and I've already forgotten.  Real Americans don't like soccer.  There may be some Americans whose parents were foreigners, or they had a brother play it professionally or they were girls, but just running around on a big field kicking a ball is not enough to keep the interest of the typical American, and absurd rhetoric like keeping the clock running while the ball is out of bounds makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.  But I'm going to stop being a bad American right now by not writing about soccer anymore.

Cubs TV announcer Len Kasper is completely unlistenable.  That Kermit the Frog voice, it's just so awful.  Who the fuck was in charge of hiring him??  Did they think people actually like hearing that nasally voice that makes no sense half the time?  On the other side of town, people are finally getting pissed off at Hawk Harrelson.  Apparently the rootin' 'n tooin' Hillbilly Redneck gimmick is wearing thin on people's nerves when your bullpen is blowing lead after lead.  It's like "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET SERIOUS!!!  THERE'S PROBLEMS GOING ON THE FIELD!!!"

The announcing in this town is so bad, I actually found myself enjoying the prior Saturday Fox (the non ex-manager / ex-player non-bullshit team) and despite it being a Cubs game, it was professionally announced and the difference was like night and day.  It would be really nice to have some intelligent, clear-spoken baseball.  I don't know why baseball tortures its fanbases with awful, awful announcers.  Just because they were baseball players doesn't automatically mean they're born-announcers.  Especially crud players like Chris Singleton who had wit to add like "Yeah in Tampa I wore two different uniforms".  Okay??  Give me Bob Costas or John Rooney.  Hell even Dick Stockton would be okay.  Please, those few 10-second bits of ex-player insight will not get you through 3 hours of 162 games.  I can tolerate Joe Buck, but absolutely not Tim McCarver.  That is just cruel.  And I know I'm not alone in the announcing complaints. Does baseball think it's being funny by getting some colorful idiots behind the microphone?  Could you please hire someone of neutral stance who isn't a spokesperson for the team?  I hear complaints all over the place.  "Keith Hernandez hates broads.  Rich Sutcliffe is drunk again.  Joe Morgan is an idiot.  Hawk Harrelson is a jackass.  Tim McCarver is the worst thing to ever have existed."  

fan to home batter who just struck out: "Yeah you tell those fans to fuck off!!!!!!"
>  Monday July 23rd, 2007  <   "Yeah, those are angry ducks on my checkbook design.  One's taking a shit on a car."







Day 8 of Hell's Kitchen!  5 left, merged into one team.  Morning challenge: Individual challenge, um, making a signature dish on an undisclosed location (blind folded while transferred) for a bunch of "trend setters".  They end up in a high school cooking for 100 hungry shits.  Winner gets to go to Las Vegas with Ramsay.  Bonnie: breaded deep fried goat cheese, Rock fancy meat loaf, Jen with pasta chicken fedelini, Julia with the half-assed onion rings and some grilled cheese with chicken, Josh with salmon.  Oh COME ON.  Julia wins?!   This is bullshit!  More stupid short order bullshit for food for some stupid shits who live on soda and McDonalds.  She may be able to backdoor her way through tasks, but she doesn't have the brains nor savvy to win it all.  World Class restaurants aren't run by short order cooks.  Getting tired of this bullshit.  Enough with the loser underdog winning all the time.

Yeah this review is the kind of bad writing where it's written while the program is on & it's not being taped!  Bah, last year's (I think total bullshit) winner Heather's restaurant being visited by Julia and Jen (who doesn't have a chance in hell of winning this thing; haha, that's ridiculous thinking she has a chance).  Oh dear!  Back in the kitchen where the 3 are doing tedious chores and prep work, sweet little Bonnie, threw away the monkfish, because it was stinky!  Oh fuck!  Oh no!  And that was the only monkfish they had!  Oh fuck me!  Bonnie, by the way, is a personal nanny who "doesn't clean or do laundry, but cooks".  That is not the definition of a nanny!  Dumb broad.

When Jen speaks, it's like she's on some narcotic.  Plus her nose angles upward.  Dinnertime!  Ramsay to Rock: "Here, you fucked yourself."  Oh dear, Rock overcooked his scallops!  Ha.  Josh keeps cooking spaghetti even tho nobody is ordering it!  Stupid monkey!  Oh dear!  Now Josh has undercooked some pasta and Ramsay is screaming at him.  Oh fuck.  And Ramsay is screaming to "get the FUCK out!  Get the fuck out!!" and tells him to take off his jacket. Well!  That probably means Josh will be on the elimination block tonight!  Oh dear.  Oh fuck, indeed.  A rule in Hell's Kitchen, as it should be for any kitchen: 'cook to order'.  Dumb fuck.  And into the first hour of dinner service, too.  "GET OUT!!" And Ramsay is throwing shit at him!  Oooooo!  Damn, Ramsay is chasing after him, and still screaming, "GET OUUUUUUUT!!! GET OUTTTTTT!! GIVE ME YOUR JACKET YOU FUCKER!  You fucking piece of worthless shit / get the fuck out!" (that's most of it).  Wow, Josh concedes and walks out the back door with all his stuff.  I guess once you lose your jacket, you lose it for good.  Man I bet Ramsay is gonna fucking slam that jacket on the hook with a vengeance and a cuss word or two.  Why do they have to censor network television?  And now Julia is fucking up big team, doesn't know what the hell she's doing.  Too much partying in that Hellhole Las Vegas. 

Oh dear!  Jen isn't ready with the pasta!  OH dear, Jen is yelling at Rock, "Why are you acting like this?  You're 30 years old!"  Look, Ramsay called for the food, Rock had it ready, Jen didn't have hers.  Oh dear!  More Jen and Rock profanity!  Oh dear!  More fighting in the kitchen!  Ramsay is irritated!  "I cannot run a kitchen like this!  Shut the fuck up!" 

Oh dear!  Casting for next year's Hell's Kitchen is beginning right now!  Calling all you hacks out there!  Oh dear.  More fighting.  "You're not acting like a team.  Shut the fuck up!"  What the hell is this??  A successful dinner service!  OH dear, Chef Ramsay is expressing disappointment.  Oh dear.  Bonnie wins and has to pick two where one will go home.  Wow, Rock is PISSED.  She could totally nominate him, tho I doubt he'd go.  I bet Jen or Julia will go.  HA, Jen says Rock was being a jerk!  HA ha!  Jen whimpering, "I wanna go home!"  You are NOT worthy!  Damn, Rock is crying about his fucks up, fucking it up for his family.  That's why you don't get a family, stupid!  Everybody's crying!  Hahahaha.  Prediction: Bonnie: "I pick Rock because he's mean and he scares me!"

Oh dear, Rock nominated, blah blah blah temper, was mean, didn't perform, poor communication; was mean.  Second nomination (and it's like totally hard and like totally the worst thing in the world to her!!!!!) � mockey.   Julia!  "I think the world of Julia, but she struggled (aka throwing her under the bus)".  And the bullshit ENDS!  Julia going home!  Oh come on.  He's sending her to culunary school and to come back in the future!  The bullshit doesn't end!  Oh god, a hug.  Well, I knew she'd faulter sooner or later.  Ah Bonnie can't believe she made it this far, well, that makes everyone.  Ouch!  They didn't even show Josh's picture being burned!  That's pretty bad.  Even Aaron got his pic burned.  Oh dear!  Next week Bonnie snaps!  Haslty written, barely with any focus and that's your Day 8 review of Hell's Kitchen! 

FUCKING SHUT IT DOWN.
>  Tuesday July 24th, 2007  <   " **contently** Yup. That's why we keep coming back here.   Crap-food at an inflated price."
Detroit 3, White Sox 5.  Detroit 7, White Sox 8.  Cubs 4, Cardinals 3.

**band plays intro to 'How Many More Times' during light applause**

Robert Plant: "Thank you, thank you.  Allow me to introduce Led Zeppelin to you."
Robert Plant: "On bass guitar, John Paul Jones, John Paul Jones."
**light applause**
Robert Plant: "On drums, John Bonham."
**light applause**
Robert Plant: "on lead guitar, Jimmy Page."
**louder applause**
Robert Plant thinking to himself: "Aw the bloody 'ell of it..."

Robert Plant: "ME!!  It was ME, Robert Plant!!!  I came up with all of the songs!  I came up with the loud drumming and the bass lines and all the lyrics and the fancy heavy guitar playing and all the riffs!!!  IT WAS ME!!  I CAME UP WITH ALL OF THEM!!   ME!!  ROBERT PLANT!!  I CAME UP WITH THE BAND!!!  IT WAS ALL ME!! !!"

Jimmy Page: "Robert!"

Robert Plant: "Oh I just can't control myself!"  **band continues to play intro**

Robert Plant thinking to himself: "God I hate this band."
>  Wednesday July 25th, 2007  <   "SHIT! BITCH! SHIT!  SHIT BITCH, SHIT!"






Open letters to comic strip cartoonists

Dear Blondie,
Shouldn't Dagwood have died of a massive coronary heart attack years ago?  Also, shouldn't he been fired and permanently banned from the premises of J. C. Dithers Construction Company due to tardiness and gross incompetence.  Please stop drawing now.  Everybody who ever read the strip has already died.

Dear Cathy,
AAAAAAAAAAAAAACKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!  Another Cathy comic strip!  Do people read comic strips anymore?  Certainly not yours.  If there was any casualties that came from the Women's Movement of the 1970s, it was the inception of your comic strip.  This is what happens when the penguin is loose in Gotham. AAAAAAAACKKKKKK!!! Ack!  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAACKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!

Dear For Better Or For Worse,
Whaddup with the strip, aye?  I thought it was supposed to be ending because you're too old and broken!  I was greeted, more like slapped in the face, with Sunday's strip of Elizabeth walking in the park with Anthony and his bastard daughter, with the topic of dating single parents.  Blasphemy!  How DARE you suggest that single parents dating is acceptable!  Evil!  Bad!  What's next, teenagers smoking, teenagers coming out of the closet, old people living amongst the young, oh wait, you've already done that filth!  Shame on you and Canada. Shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!

Dear The Humble Stumble,
Is Molly (lame name btw) on steroids, because suddenly overnight, her hair grew 10 inches and legs apparently 2 feet in height.  Oh boy, another comic strip with a snot-nosed teenager, ad nauseum.  Your comic strip by far is one of the most lamest things I have ever seen.  And you say you have testicles?  Or do you wear a lot of sweaters & own cats?  Real men don't write in bubbley letters nor do we mix lowercase cursive with capital letters.  Grow a pair.  Lose the pen. 

Dear Frazz,
Your strip sucks.

Dear Baby Blues,
You are a disgrace to man kind.  Showing ultra-houseslut Wanda breast feeding!!!!  Blasphemy!!!  Don't you know that breast feeding children leads to an obsession of breasts?!!  As far as I know, most 10 year old girls don't have legs that are a quarter inch long.  At least on the plus side, your strip inspires castration to the masses.  And a word to Wanda..... "Maybe your life wouldn't be so bad if you didn't keep having so many god damn kids you stupid ignorant whore!"

Dear Dickless Tracy,
Oh you KNOW I couldn't forget about you!  Nobody has less dick than Dickless Tracy.  Nobody has fewer jokes, invisible punchlines, ridiculous ghastly endless drawn-out boring plots than Dickless Tracy!  I'm glad I'm not senile enough to read your strip.

Dear Raising Hector,
Your strip makes puppies want to drown themselves and babies to cut themselves.  Your strip also has glaring perspective problems, and the dialog is quite LAME.

Dear Dog Eat Doug,
Your strip really sucks.
>  Thursday July 26th, 2007  <   "'This is a Winamp plugin that removes all Paul McCarthey contributions on Beatles songs.""







Hank Hill, with pent-up rage, looking at his smashed up truck, his blown up house & propane tanks covered with bullet holes scattered on the front lawn: "Bobby, if you weren't my son,
I'd kill you.  Awe hell I'll do it anyway."

Bobby Hill: "Eeeeeeeeeeeeek!!"
>  Friday July 27th, 2007  <   "Now sit on the microwave box and the ethnic cleansing will begin!"







Mother: "It's not nice to slap people's penises when they're not looking, is it?"

Billy crying & whimpering: "...nooo......."
>  Saturday July 28th, 2007  <   "idiots like U2"







Two morons: Lou Piniella and Marty Brennaman.

Even tho this appeared in print 2 days ago, I have to comment on it.  This is what happens when you've been in baseball too long.  The following are real comments both made on Pete Rose or Barry Bonds.

"Pete realizes he broke the one rule (gambling on games) that is displayed more prominently than all others in every baseball clubhouse," Reds Hall of Fame broadcaster Marty Brennaman said. "He may suffer the same fate as Shoeless Joe Jackson (of the 1919 Black Sox Scandal). And that would be a shame."

Cubs manager Lou Piniella, who guided the Reds to a World Series title in 1990, steadfastly supports Rose and Bonds.

"I mean, [4,256] hits speaks for itself," Piniella said. "And 700-and-some home runs speaks for itself. Of all the people who are in the Hall of Fame ... are they all pure? Looking at it from that perspective, you come to the rationalization that both players should be in."

A few things these morons don't realize, is that there's more to being a baseball player than showing up to the ballpark every day.  It's about following the rules, staying out of trouble, not doing stupid shit, and dictating class that's required at almost every other job on the planet. 

The following comment was made by Barry Bonds himself:

"This is our fraternity. If we don't stand up for each other, who's going to stand for us?" Bonds said. "And I will stand behind fellow players regardless."

Oh my.  You think you OWN the game and are above the law??  Because that's the general consensus I'm picking up from that comment.  Full of arrogance, like being a baseball player entitles you to special rights and that you can get away with anything.  I don't think so.

"My personal opinion is that Pete has paid his dues," Brennaman said. "He has come clean. He has done everything [former commissioner] Bart Giamatti asked him to do. "I really think they need to re-look at it. ... I'm sure there are writers who would never vote for him, but I think there are enough writers who would decide that he would ultimately get in."

Guess what: coming clean doesn't change the fact that he broke the rules, and those rules are in place for a reason: gambling was very prevalent in baseball, and it was a huge problem, and integrity needed to be restored.  He bet, multiple times, broke the rules, simple as that. Rose also signed on to a lifetime ban. Case closed.  Ken Griffey Jr.:

"Pete is loved here," Griffey said. "It's what he did on the field. ... ... That's what the Hall of Fame is for. Who was the first person elected to the Hall of Fame? Who was that? It was Ty Cobb. Look at the speculation around him. You know, he beat up this person and he did this and that. But he is still there."

Two things: our society is constantly evolving, redefining what's acceptable and what's not all of the time, so that point is moot.  Secondly: Cincinnati fans are idiots if they support a horrible person who happened to do good things on the field.  "Yeah that Charlie Manson was a great musician, except for that whole killing thing."  Please.  People do things to commend their names to "Mud".  You cannot be that stupid to turn a blind eye to the person on what they do off the field.  A ballpark isn't some fantasy land.  How would you feel if it was your dad on the playing field, being a star while doing drug runs in Mexico on the side, fathering children with numerous women, running down kids with a jeep, screaming at female reporters in the clubhouse, etc etc?  You'd call him a real asshole and say you'd want to kick his fucking ass.  Then you'd have to grow up, listening to a bunch of idiot fans saying how much they love your father because of what he did on the field, and you'd go "Yeah, but he was a real fucking asshole off the field.  You wouldn't like him so much, then."

"Pete is basically being treated the same as Barry is being treated in San Francisco," Piniella said. "There is a correlation there. Pete was a very popular player here in Cincinnati. He who is without sin, let him cast the first stone.  Pete played every day; he hustled and he was competitive. Barry and Pete's careers mirror one another, Pete with his hits and Barry with his home run power. They are two of the most prolific hitters in Major League Baseball history. It would be ludicrous not to have Barry and Pete in the Hall of Fame. And without an asterisk."

New rule: Lou Piniella is not allowed to ever become commissioner of baseball. Same with you, Marty.  And especially you, Barroids.  I think people are getting a little too comfortable and soft with their stances in baseball.  Piniella's all mellow and happy now, making more money than ever.  Everybody's making more money than ever.  What ever happened to players being accountable for their actions?
>  Sunday July 29th, 2007  <   "So now we're tipping just to prevent our food from being spat on??!"







"...and that's why we watch baseball games. "

Top of the 2nd inning in Cincinnati today, Cubs / Reds, asshole Zambrano (who in the prior inning stuck his bare right hand out to catch a line drive (go ahead and stick it out there, you stupid motherfucker.  I don't care if you break your fingers.  I've had a finger pushed all the way back & break by an object going 1/8th as fast.  Go ahead and stick your hand out.  Think you're the strongest person in the world?  Watch your career end when that line drive rips the fingers right off from your hand)  was standing on 1st, half-assedly walked to 2nd base with 2 outs on a high popup by Soriano, and two fans reached out at the top of the fence, interfered with the ball and it was ruled a double.  If you had to guess, yes it was the Joe West crew.  Replays show the ball was coming down sharply, and it looks like it would have hit the fence anyway.  But it was a close play and that's why we watch baseball games, because anything can happen. 

Speaking of which, there was more fan interference that opened the flood gates that broke a 8th inning 3-3 tie in the Tigers / Angels game that happened to be on my TV tho I wasn't watching, a fan reached over and gloved a ball over the fence.  I can't say if it was bullshit or not, but the umpire said the fan reached "out, not down". 

Also it would be a very sad day if Barry Bonds hit # 755 or # 756 on the day two baseball greats of my generation of Tony Gwynn & Cal Ripken Jr. get inducted into the Hall of Fame.  They are just two outstanding examples of baseball players that makes the sport so much better than other sports.  But the mood has been angry sadness, in the days of Bonds approaching the record.  We were all hoping his knees would force him to retire or he got put in jail, but it hasn't happened yet.  And I don't understand why pitchers aren't beaning him.  I think it's a conspiracy going on.
>  Monday July 30th, 2007  <   "Go rape your mother."

Day 9 of Hell's Kitchen!  Then there were 3.  I have to say, this is Rock's to lose.  Jen looks and acts so dopey and Bonnie is prone to accidents and moments of stupidity, so the next 2 or 3 episodes should be a walk in the park for Rock, competition-wise.  Gee, Bonnie doesn't feel like she belongs there.....well no SHIT!.  Bah, Chef's mentor: Ramsay's mum.  Man, mum looks younger than Chef Ramsay, and he's only 40.   Morning challenge: recreate a classic unique homemade gourmet comfort food, pick one of 5 to recreate.   Bonnie: frank and beans.  Jen: fried chicken.  Rock: spaghetti and meatballs. 1 hour.  They can use anything in the well-stocked kitchen for their version of a classic American dish.  To taste their fancy versions of this, is the remaining 3 contestant's mothers.  Oh dear, Jen's dish won 3-0.  Prize (or punishment?) is hang out with her mother & Chef Ramsay & his mum all day.  Also the traditional free shopping spree in a fancy cookware store.  Holy SHIT.  $936 worth!  Punishment: clean out the dorms.  Haha Bonnie whining, "I don't WANT to clean the dorms!"  Like last week, "Why aren't WE in Vegas??!"

Gee, Bonnie complaining about "I don't know how to that, or that, or that..."  Supernanny my ass.  Haha, Rock calling her a "drama queen".  Bonnie: "Roooooock.. Rooooock..... I'm hungrrrrrrry, Roccck ....I'm tirrrred.... I'm hungry!"   Poor princess.  Rock busy mocking her and planning to destroy her. 

Service time.  Lot of trash talking going on.  Each contestant will take turns running the kitchen during the service.  Heh, Prep time, Chef Ramsay doing hypothetical screw ups, each gets to take turns yelling at Ramsay as if he was the screw up chef.  Ah, Bonnie was the only one whose screaming sounded legit.  Guess she's had a lot of practice screaming at misbehaving children, cuss word after cuss word.  Ah another test: Chef Ramsay telling his assistants to intentionally fuck up orders so the contestant can catch it.  Jen's turn to run the kitchen and do quality control.  STOP.  Oh dear!  Jen missed the sabotaged scalloped spaghetti!  Hahahahaha.  Oh Jen, thinks she's a seal and clapping her hands.  Arf arf arf arf arf arf!  Rock's turn to lead the kitchen.  Rock catches his sabotage.  Oh dear!  The team is screwing up Rock's completion goal!  Bonnie's turn to pick up the pace.  Screaming already.  Screaming beaver.  Oh dear!  Jen over-cooked her risotto!  Oh fuck.  Bonnie catches her sabotage.  Ramsay's turn.  What the fucking bloody hell.. best ever service in Hell's Kitchen EVER??.

Oh dear!  1 is going home!  My guess?  Probably Jen.  Yeah, Jen sucks.  Plus she (according to editing) failed her sabotage test and according to Bonnie, her risotto is bland and sucks.  A Bonnie vs. Rock showdown would probably be best for ratings, since Jen is plain-Jane no-fame.  Plus Jen had the disadvantage (seemingly every challenge winner seems to go home later that day) of going first and not knowing there was sabotaging going on.  Decision: "Rock you get to go..... to the finals."  Person leaving Hell's Kitchen....is Jen!   Bonnie vs. Rock finals.  Very predictable.  And the typical "design your own restaurant / half of Hell's dining room & own menu with the booted contestants to be personally picked by each finalist for their team.  Yeah.

FUCKING SHUT IT DOWN.
>  Tuesday July 31st, 2007  <   "So who's going to win the World Series in 2007?  I don't fucking know!"







I read an article about the new Mets and Yankees stadiums.  It talks about the building progress, cost (Mets $800 million - Yankees $1.2 billion), seating, space and luxury.  The current trend:

As expensive as possible
Closer to the action (by 1970s standards, not pre-1970s)
Fewer seats and for a higher ticket cost
Own one-sport facility
As many luxury boxes as possible
Get as much money from the public as possible, if not all of it
Exploit political connections and use loopholes and using fancy confusing terms like "tax-exempt bonds" and "public subsidies" and "public bond issues"

Here's the other thing: $2 billion dollars going towards two baseball-only stadiums built only 6 miles apart.  And keep in mind it's very easy to schedule so one team is home and the other is away, it's how it is 90% of the time already.  Logically, stadiums should be multi-purpose, seat as many people as possible, be paid for by the team and/or by private investors since public stadiums are terrible investments, just like libraries or museums, should be domed so it could be used 365 days a year, and should be built as close to public mass transit as possible.  Well this is America, and we can build as big as we want on as much space as we please with taxpayers paying for almost all of it.  Then again, it is New York, where they fuel their egos off themselves.  I'm surprised they even bothered making the new $1.6 billion New York Jets / Football Giants stadium suited for two teams instead of one & without a dome.
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