January 2006 - Untitled Daily Column Project

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/\ Monday August 1st, 2005 /\ "divide and conquer."

Day 20: 380. The Beatles - I Saw Her Standing There -- 417. The Beatles - Things We Said Today

I was watching an old episode of "Home Improvement" yesterday.

**Randy is hanging out with his girlfriend in the den, but decides to enter the Taylor kitchen where mother Jill is folding laundry**

Mother Jill (with slight Texas accent): "What's the matter, Randy, don't yew like yer cute
lil girrrrl frah�end over there?"

Randy: "But mommmmmmmmm, she doesn't have a penis!"

Tim enters from garage: "Hey who wants to do some lines in the hot rod?? Hahahahaha!"

Brad: "I have to go stand outside an' stand around an' wait while my hair grows longer."

Mark enters room: �I�m going to do something strange, like bark at a wall and marry a 40 year old woman.�

Jill: �Mark, what the hell�� **Mark exits front door**

Tim enters from the garage again: �Hey who wants to do some lines on the souped-up lawn mower�s new chrome finish?? Hahahahahaha!�

Brad re-enters from being outside: �Hey, I�m gonna go stand outside and look at the soccer ball an� think about how I�m going to college to play soccer an� nothing else.�

And then I changed the channel. And then I said to myself,

"there sure are a lot of lesbians in this auto insurance commercial."

-o-
Yesterday's results: $0. Today's result: $-5. Total results: $7.

/\ Tuesday August 2nd, 2005 /\ "sure what the fuck: "Howard Dean for President in '08."

Day 21: --

Two longhairs are headbanging while attending a rock concert. Suddenly they pause and actually listen to the music.

singer: "Swha-deeeeeeeeeeeeeettttttttt! Omga no dah, Blap gonda! Wet speed explooooooooooooooode!"

Two longhairs: **stare in disbelief**

singer: "Teee An Tee!" (arf...arf....arf...) Teen Fan Blee! (arf...arf...arf..) Tea Gland Pee! (arf....arf..) Mmmgah flower loaddddddd (arf..) speegah dooooooooooooo!"

longhair # 1: "hey, what the fuck are we doing at an AC/DC concert??"
longhair # 2: "man, we really fucked up big time!"

singer: **clears throat** **clears throat again** �speck-a-leeva-crew-winnabeg-shrump-ga-doooooo!� **loud music starts again & fans begin cheering loudly**

longhair # 2. "let's leave."

longhair # 1. "Wait! I heard this riff during a car commercial! Oh wait... that was for an Apple computer."

**longhairs leave.**

END

/\ Wednesday August 3rd, 2005 /\ "The Catania Diet: million$ in the making."

Day 22: --

Here is the infamous "most offensive thing I have ever written" script. Inspiration for this came from a scene I saw on "Everybody Loves Raymond" tonight, where I took an actual moment, and made it up from there. Those familiar with the show will get the subtle name references. I tested this out on a select loving group of people, and apparently it didn't shock any of them at all. I was trying to shock and be as offensive as possible, but to no avail. I sure have a lot of Liberal friends. But here it is anyway.

-o-

The Stalone family enters a church where a funeral of a distant relative is taking place.

Wife: "I still can't believe your mother isn't talking to you."

Raul: "I know, I mean, I should be higher than a pilot, but I�m not. oh there she is."
**approaches mother**

Raul: "hey mommmmmmmm, hey mommmmmmm, hey.. **mother walks away** �ok you walk away."

old man: **smugly walks up to Raul** "christ almighty should you give a rat's ass about your mother!"

Raul: **smiles** "hehehe eh fuck you."

old man: �What did you say?!�

Raul: **smiles** "fuck you!"

old man: �You can't talk to me that way!�

Raul: �Can�.. and did. "fuck...youuuuuuuuuuuuu!"

old man: �I outta box your ears!�

Raul: "fucccccccck youuuuuuuu!"

old man: �You can't do that!�

Raul: "oh fuck you, old man!"

old man: �I�m gonna stop you, Big Nose!�

Raul: **smiles** "Heh! Me first!" **punches old man in the nose**

old man: "what the hell!�

Raul: "Again!" **punches again** "I�ll break it 6 ways to Sunday! ..whatever that means."

old man: **winces with pain** "oooooh godddd" **face & hands become stained with blood**

Raul: "hahaha yeah!" **dances like a joker & claps**

old man: "You son of a bitch! I fought in WWII & Korea, man!"

Raul: "ooooo pawn in the war pig machine! You were just the Government's patsie....! Took it square in the ass like a woman! You wasted your time! Suckerrrrrrrrrrrr!"

old man: "I can't believe this!" **fuming mad as hell**

Raul: "That's riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! you know what I can't believe? I can't believe I haven't punched you a 3rd time!" **punch**

old man: "owwwwwwwwwww!" **falls to knees**

Raul: "soldier's don't crrrrrrrrry, soldier's don't crrrrrrrrry. Hahahaha!"

Raul�s wife: "what...the hell are you doing..." **watches**

Raul: "just stickin' it to the man."

Raul: **back to the old man** "War is stupid! War sucks! Nobody respects what you're doing! You're wasting our tax payer money! Stop wasting our money! Get over yourselves! Boooooooo!� where's our free oil?? You people make me sick! Go to hell! You people and your business destroy families and ruin lives! You ruined our lives! All of our lives!"

old man: "You got a lot of nerve...! how DARE you! How fucking DARE YOU!"

Raul: **mockingly starts flapping arms like a chicken** "Oh, "I need two fucking holidays to show how my stupid legs got shot off!" It�s you're own stupid god damn fault!"

old man: "god, boy... you're dead. DEAD!"

Raul: "war pig! oinnnnnnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!"

old man: "I put my life on the line for Pinko Commies like you!!!"

Raul: �Nobody respects what you did! Nobody cares, man. NOBODY! Suck it!"

old man: **to Raul�s mother** "Look what your piece of shit son did to me, Louise!"

Raul�s mother: "I see you, Hank." **turns around and looks the other way from Raul's presence**

Raul: "dead souls for nothing, man."

** Raul & wife walk away"

Raul�s wife: "I must say, I have never seen you act that way before! And I gotta be honest.. I�m extremely shocked! but I�m very impressed by the way you stood up to your father! And I find it rather sexy, roarrrr!" **grabs arm & begins groping it**

Raul: "eh whatever. I voted for Bush."

Raul & wife leave the room.

fade out

writer�s commentary:

Well we sure had a lot of good �ol fun writing this. If you�re writing for a sitcom, don�t be afraid to push across some offensive messages and horrible story lines, and downright blasphemous behavior that would land most people in jail or incite protests, because you can always use the last 10 seconds of the show to say �Just kidding!�

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<| Wednesday January 4th, 2006 |> "I don't think i've ever seen a kickoff from the 10 yard line in my life."

Even more stupid shit you didn't know about me:

151. I really don't like monochrome sports uniforms that are dark with dark.
152. I make up a lot of random one-liners.
153. I am very anal about time. I hate being late & I must be on time or early.
154. I use the computer of an average of 364 days a year.
155. I do a lot of really bad voice impressions.
156. I love taking online surveys & polls.
157. I have decided i don't like driving on the snow anymore.
158. I have a rather jaded and crass sense of humor, and laugh at the most inappropriate things.
159. I tend to be petty and care a lot about petty / pointless things.
160. I am baffled that old people don't understand what "irony" means.
161. I am not religious, but I do believe in karma / "if you do bad things, bad things will happen to you."
162. I hate talking on the phone. I hate the sound of the phone ringing, i hate how some phones aren't loud enough to hear in the receiver, and i hate those long, awkward pauses.
163. I'm kind of embarrassed by my voice because it sounds weird / changes pitch at times.
164. I wish I had a British accent because I would sound much better.
165. I love nacho cheese. Not the cheap shitty kind, but really good natural cheese with real spices and peppers in it. I used to scoop it out of a jar and melt it over tortilla chips after school almost every single week. Then they stopped making it and it pissed me off.
166. I love libraries (because they're quiet) but I hate reading. Go figure.
167. I also happen to love cheese in general. My favorite cheeses in order: american cheese, super sharp cheddar, mozzarella, cream cheese and parmesan.
168. I believe for any Hall of Fame, the guidelines should be very, very strict.
169. I prefer to eat by myself and with no distractions or conversations, and go at my own pace.
170. I have never attended a holiday party.
171. If there's a song on I love in the car, I will roll down the windows and scream the lyrics as loud as possible.
172. I finally learned not to eat peanut butter sandwiches before going to bed.
173. Of the Clam Chowder soups, I prefer New England�.if it's made right.
174. I put my contact lens on my right eye first; same with my right shoe on first.
175. I believe that you need a good meat to: cheese ratio. Otherwise there's too much meat and you can't taste the cheese. Same with tuna salad. You need lots of mayo / miracle whip & celery to compliment the strong taste of tuna fish taste. And it needs to be served cold.

<| Tuesday January 3rd, 2006 |> "back!!!"

Ah yes, South Park. Apparently there's another episode that's making people a little uptight. The show has always been edgy and somewhat strange. Oh I don't know, some people are finding the episode where there's a Virgin Mary statue that's literally bleeding red blood out of its ass and people are coming in contact with the blood and are becoming healed or something, I don't know. I haven't watched that show in years. Apparently some religious groups find this offensive or something or other.

Of course, everybody loves a good fart joke or a "god damn it, asshole!" there. But the thing that turned me off on the show was its almost constant references / parody's to shit like Lord of the Rings or Star Trek or Godzilla or some trendy movie at the time or some weird reference I don't get. And those two guys are very nerdy boys. And of course, the show just got old.

<| Monday January 2nd, 2006 |> "Barnhouse Eggs...they're so good... just because they are."

"...so try to understand, TRY to understand, try try try to understannnnnnd.... it's a Magic Van. Ooooooooooh that Magic Van!"

<| Sunday January 1st, 2006 |> "hey, uh..what is it's name?"

Deal!
By Dolph Rudager

alright, here's the deal
alright, here's the deal

you a' sick of the pooping
pooping all the time,
pooping every day

you say you'll poop until you die
you say you'll poop til you die

you decide you've become sick of it
you gonna stop pooping
you gonna stop pooping

but guess what,
if you don't poop,
you gonna die
if you don't poop,
you gonna die

yeah u gonna die.

you may be special but you gonna die
your girlfriend may be pretty,
but some day she'll be dead.

dead!

walkin' down the street
someday i'll be dead!
**upbeat tempo**

see that woman, mis-driving that car
someday that car will be crushed

there's a whole lotta poop in this world
enough to wrap 20 times around the world

I once pooped in a bag.
It was like gravy and went mad

you eat that food, it'll kill ya
someday you're gonna die.

and guess what?
someday, you're gonna DIE!

killin'
killin'
killin'
killin'
killin'

poopin', poopin' poopin' poopin'.

poopin' on the door, poopin' on the floor, California
poopin' in a glass, poopin' from your ass, California
poopin' in the car, poopin' in a jar, California.
poopin' on the lawn, hittin' on the bong, California
poopin' on the floor, poopin' in the store, Californiaaaaaa!

Poopin' Nation!

END

<| Thursday January 5th, 2006 |> "ice cream kills yaaaaaaaaa, yeah c'monnnnnnn!"

"....the clouds will burn, the beets won't sing, you'll find out..you've ruined everything! dear prudence...won't you let me beat you for a while? a while!"

<| Friday January 6th, 2006 |> "2 out of 3 security system stickers & signs are fake."

Wednesday night, a new champion was crowned in college football. It was billed as one of the biggest bowl games of all-time, with the true # 1 and # 2 ranked teams, blah blah blah <-----(that's my way of saying stuff on things I really don't pay attention to). # 1 USC vs. # 2 Texas. One had a 34 game winning streak, the other at 19. So who was I rooting for to win? Didn't matter, I had already won my Bowl Pick 'Em's.

This game started off very sloppy in the first half. Reggie Bush being too cocky in his last game, tried to lateral to a teammate after a huge, long run that put the Trojans near the goal line and of course, fumbled the ball and Texas got it. The ball was popping out a lot in the 1st, which led me to think "are these players all doped up or what!" I have plenty of experience in this department, having watched the Bears draft a certain runningback toker in the late 90s who fumbled more in one game than everyone else combined in the entire league in a season.

Ok, focus! Then there was a certain play, a play where Vince Young of Texas tossed the ball to someone who ran it in for a TD. Now, ABC showed the replay probably about 10 times between the score and the PAT (which was missed). For some inexplicable reason, the booth decided not to review it. "How the fuck do you screw up a TD call in a bowl game with instant replay??" I said. It was 6 points Texas didn't deserve at the time. But it was so blurry, it was *almost* hard to tell. Why in the hell don't they have some ultra-fast spinning tape recording this so we can see a great slow-motion version? And of course, there were a few other bad calls, like an interception Texas never got credited for (he had possession, ball came loose after he landed on his back) and um, some other plays I can't remember, the clock didn't stop a few times & including late in the game when Texas ran out of bounds. Plus there were stupid coaching decisions by USC by going for it on 4th and 1 on the like 23 yard line (no faith in kicker I guess) substitution penalty, 1 (almost 2) delay of games, Lienart throwing a half-ass pass to a deep man near the goal line rather than a closer receiver and it gets intercepted in the endzone. USC really fucked themselves out of at least 9 points, if not 17. I think USC just got too cocky and thought, "nobody can beat us, we've trailed at halftime before, (5x) we'll win, even it's by cheating like against Notre Dame!" haha that was great. Bush pushing Lienart into the endzone in the 4th quarter. And what can you say about Texas? Their offense was mostly Young, passed 30 for 40 with 276 yards, and ran 20 times for 200 yards. I don't think I've ever seen that before. He fucking runs like 17 yards (after dropping back 8) on 4th and 5 with :26 seconds left for the TD, then converts the 2-point conversion and puts them up 41-38 with like :12 seconds left. USC horribly used all 3 of their timeouts in the 2nd half, two which came really early. Had USC had even one timeout left, they could have kicked a long field goal to force OT.

So the Longhorns are the new national champions, even with some botched officiating. I thought it was the greatest college football game I have ever seen. But what does that mean? It means I haven't seen very many college games, and I really don't see that many games because the local team, who rarely wins much, has a purple helmet with a white "N" on it, and its players mutter things like "man, we better hurry up and get done with this game so we can go back to our studies!"

And boy, it must absolutely suck to be a kicker in NCAAF. You miss a PAT or a field goal, you're dead. You're absolutely fucking DEAD. You better go to your guidance counselor and get a transfer and move out of town because you are so DEAD to everyone around. You're walking down the street, you get hollered at, you go to the deli and the man spits in your sandwich, people knock the soda out of your hands, "asshole". You find your car has been soaped to shit, your iPod has been snapped in half, people scream on campus, "you've ruined our season, piece of shit!" "why don't you just die! Nobody wants you here! Nobody!" And all of the sudden, your free education magic carpet ride is for naught.

And for you sportscasters out there, don't be a cocksucker and ask a player right after he's won the big game / gotten his MVP award & national championship trophy and ask if he's going to come back and do it all again or go to the NFL. What the hell do you expect him to say? What kind of a fuckhead puts a player on the spot like that? You trying to ruin the happy moment and piss off all of their fans if he said, "Yeah baby, NFL, here I come! I'm gonna get drafted so high and make so much money that'll put all of yo' to shame, fools!!!!"

Keith Jackson: "and here come the Trojans, in their rubber-dick latex ponchos, protecting the
Ms. Mother Egg, from the Mr. Evil Sperm... and they run the ball back, to the 23 yard line. This is Keith Jackson, comin' at ya."

<| Saturday January 7th, 2006 |> "prepare to decay."

Man, I am so sick of hearing about the NFL. Just get the damn season over with already. Just make the AFC title game the Super Bowl because we all know it'll be the only good match-up. Spare us the cheesy lame Super Bowl halftime concert, the endless hype, the 72-hour pregame show, all of the player interviews and their big fat stupid mama's, the stupid $2 million commercials, and most importantly: the boring game.

my new crazy plan:

in my (PC) '99 NCAA Football game, I'm going to play as all 11 teams in the Big Ten. Then I will schedule all non-conference games & to be on the road, so I can see all the other 101 stadiums. Presumably, I would go undefeated on all 11 teams, but there would be no Big Ten Champion because there wouldn't be any of the 6 required-each conference games. But who cares about that shit??

I paid like $2.50 for this game thru a mail-in promotion (along with a Cheer detergent PVC from a bottle that I swiped from a recycling bin). So I want to get maximum enjoyment out of this. I'll play 2-minute quarters since I'll have to be playing 121 games a season, and the game is so easy with its Option, I once scored 124 points in 3-minute quarters in a game. One of the most important things about video games is its replayibility. I've never been a fan of games where you have to spend weeks and months from start to finish, and really can only play it once before you get bored with it. Tho if you're wondering who I'll be the Northwestern Wildcats after going undefeated in 2011 as the Illini in their first championship since well, who knows? Oh, and can someone tell me why in the hell Boise St. has a blue field??

Speaking of blue, man, I love the way that Cheer blue liquid detergent smells. mmmm.

<| Sunday January 8th, 2006 |> "yes, money CAN buy me love!"

Dear Prudence
(another D. Rudager remake)

Dear Prudence
I got a bone to pick
Dear Prudence
you stupid dumb dick.
the sun is up, the sky is blue, ev'rything sucks, because of you. Dear Prudence, won't you come out and pay?

Dear Prudence
You broke the internet
Dear Prudence
All our sperm is absent

the banks are broke, the earth is bleak, you poisoned us, with your toxic leak
Dear Prudence
won't you open up your eyes?

look around! round
look around! round round
look around!

oooooooooh nooooooooooo, ahhhhhhhh- "dying".

Dear Prudence
You lost the big file
Dear Prudence
You flattened the dirt pile
the clouds will burn, the beets won't sing, you'll find out..you've ruined everything! Dear Prudence...won't you let me beat you for a while?

Dear Prudence, won't you come out to pay?
Dear Prudence, to feel the wrath and rage!

the sun is gone, the sky is black, we're all dead, better watch your back,
dear prudence

won't you come to pay?

END
________________________________________________________________________

Bonus lyrics / alternate verses

* - bonus material. omitted / used in early versions

- - -

* the sun is up, the sky is blue, ev'rything sucks, and so do you. dear prudence, won't you come out and pay?

* dear prudence, put down the pie. dear prudence, you told a big lie

* dear prudence, put down the pie. dear prudence, we're all gonna die

* dear prudence, all the women are barren, dear prudence, something something comparin'

* dear prudence, you sued the courts, dear prudence, -- --- --- -- - ports.

* dear prudence, you broke the internet, dear prudence� all the world peace went.

� 2006 Dolph Rudager Productions Inc. A division of Dolph Rudager Industries.

<| Monday January 9th, 2006 |> "doesn't matter. You'll lose."

Wow, Carson Palmer, the Bengals QB, after throwing his 1st playoff pass, a 66 yard pass on his 2nd snap of the game, gets his knee blown out and tears an ACL ligament, about a week after signing a 9-year contract. It wasn't really a bad hit at all, just in a really bad place & bad body movement. It really doesn't matter, because either them or the Steelers is going to lose to the Colts anyway. I wouldn't even bother even doing the playoffs. Just give the trophy to the Colts. I'm sure people would rather see a NCAAF BCS style system anyway. That way you could have Colts vs. Patriots in the championship game. These stupid sportswriters rank teams every week anyway, so let's do it! They could name it shit like "The Halas Bowl" (# 1 Colts vs # 5 defending title Patriots), "The Lombardi Bowl" (# 2 Seahawks vs alright I've lost interest in this) or the "Yahoo Bowl" or the "Cheetos Bowl" Play all these the week after the NCAAF bowls, on consecutive nights. 7 weeks of NFL playoffs is just too damn long.

-o-

"you see, I don't get it. I've read your work and I'm not impressed. I'm like, "I guess it doesn't take much to be in this business."

<| Tuesday January 10th, 2006 |> "no guy should drive a red car."

I had the new Taco Hell cheesy bean rice burrito. It was advertised with 3 kinds of cheese, beans, rice, some kind of tomato and zesty sauce, and a 1/2 pound for .99 cents. Being that I like cheap pig slop, and I do.. but zesty my ass. It was extremely bland. I've had candy that was spicier. Hell I've had bread that was spicier. Even their hottest sauce is like ketchup. I suppose there's probably laws and codes in place to prevent making food spicy to the point that it makes your eyes water, burns your anus and melts your intestine.

Does it really matter who the Bears play next week? They're just going to lose.

The Minnesota Twins, lost a bunch of guys including Sox-killer Joe Mays, didn't get anybody good an yet somehow payroll goes up $11 million to $65 million. Baseball either needs to get rid of arbitration or get rid of guaranteed contracts. Tho a much better 1st step would be to destroy the union.

What the deal with this Miller beer Halftime commercials? Oh ya, really funny, I forgot. Streets deserted during game which everyone in town is watching, then at halftime, everybody sprints to the store for only Miller, and better quality beers are ignored. What kind of an idiot runs out of beer during beer drinking time?? Or what kind of an idiot connects 100 extension cords to a small tv & carries it with him to the store to get Miller beer? That's not cute or funny, that's just stupid. In a world of VCR's, Tivo and digital shit, if the game is that important, you watch the fucking game!

<| Wednesday January 11th, 2006 |> "Child! Lead is good to eat! Yum!"

Why Chicago Mayor Daley is a clown (today)

It's a surprise that anything ever gets done in Chicago, let alone scandal-free. Corrupt this, over-taxed that. And now this clown wants to bring the 2016 Olympics to Chicago? Ha!

His initial plan is to use Soldier Field, while another plan is to use other stadiums, which include Notre Dame and the U of I downstate. No. you can't host the Olympics in multiple cities that are hundreds of miles apart.

Also part of this clown's plan is to build a new stadium, which would cost at least $750 million, and by the time they start building it, it'll probably cost at least $1.2 billion. And what would this stadium do besides the 2 1/2 weeks of the Olympics? Why, house a 2nd NFL, of course! Ha! You gotta be kidding me. Who the hell is gonna move to Chicago when the NFL wants a team in LA first? Shit, they'd put an NFL team in San Antonio & Las Vegas first. The Bears don't want it, the NFL doesn't want it, the Bears fans don't want it, and quite frankly, it's a pretty stupid idea.

Now suppose you renovate Soldier Field? It only seats 61,000, and you need at least 80,000 and a larger playing surface, which the stadium doesn't allow. Plus you can't build more seats, and it has landmark status (the thing that the Cubs owners absolutely hate, because they'd knock down every brick in Wrigley if it meant more seats) so you can't be ripping down walls.

This clown Daley thinks Chicago "deserves" one because "it hasn't had anything in forever". Cities that are over $250 million in debt don't deserve to host Olympics. He's one of these old farts who thinks the Olympics are cool like playing cowboys & indians or big shiny red firetrucks. There's nothing good about the Olympics. The events are boring, they televise the most crappy events, everybody's doped up anyway. And besides, the Olympics are dangerous to host and attract very bad people wanting to do bad things. And I don't think Chicago could handle the strain, because it is too incompetently run by idiots with idiots, it would end up as a disaster and laughable. And that's what people & the Olympics committee is doing: laughing at this clown Daley. Yeah, you say clowns are supposed to make you laugh, but this is just embarrassingly sad. And besides, in today's modern world, waiting 4 years for something isn't worth it anymore.

<| Thursday January 12th, 2006 |> "I'm glad you hate this commercial."

Down at the hardware store...

Boss: "Okay, Dolph Rudager. It's your first day on the floor. Um, would you like some coffee?"

Dolph: "um...uh.... sure! Why not!"

15 minutes and 5 cups of coffee later.

**customer walks in**
Dolph: **shouting** "HEY YOU WANNA BUY SOME TOOLS TOOLS TOOLS TOOLS GOT ALOT OF TOOLS TOOLS TOOLS TOOLS TOOLS TOOLS ARF ARF ARF BARK BARK BARK ARF ARF ARF ARF!!!!!"

**customer runs away**

Dolph: "8 is a NUMBER on the COMPUTER!!!!"

**a few more customers run away**

Dolph: **still shouting** "BUY SOME COCKSUCKING TOOLS! COCKSUCKING TOOLS FOR COCKSUCKERS!!!"

Boss: "damn it, Dolph!"

Dolph: **barely notices** **squeezes & shatters full styrofoam cup of coffee** �son of a bitch!!!�

Boss: **gets in Dolph's face** "What is WRONG with you, man??!"

Dolph: *snarrrrrllllllllll* *grunt* *snarl* *grrrrrr*

Boss: **walks over to coffee maker & picks up pot of coffee, smells it, twirls it around** "Alright, which one of you put bird feed in the coffee again?!!"

stupid END

<| Friday January 13th, 2006 |> " 'you...dead....kid!' Dead Kid! coming this Fall on ABC!"

Mark Buehrle and Tadahito Iguchi have decided not to participate in the World Baseball Classic (WBC). Good, I say! I think this WBC is a horrible idea, well..only a horrible idea if no White Sox players play on it. The baseball season is way too long as it is, and the last thing pitchers need is to be in pitching shape a month earlier. I can't wait until some MLB player gets injured because of this, and see a team's season ruined because of this exhibition tournament which will prove nothing. The competition has already been tainted because Cuba isn't allowed to compete & asshole people like Steinbrenner are suggesting behind closed doors for Yankees not to participate. And what would a 9 game season prove, anyway? Nothing, that's what.

Well ok. Apparently the occupancy for the White Sox colorman radio spot has been filled. Not by Tommy John. Not by Jamie Quirk. Not Steve Lyons, who all are ex-White Sox players who have broadcasting experience. No. It's non-experienced former Sox outfielder / inferior baseball player Chris Singleton. Um, ok. You're coming off a world championship title, moving to a new station, and you get a nobody. We all know what happened the last time the White Sox hired an ex-ballplayer from the team: yeah that's right, Darrin Jackson. What a terrible decision. Apparently Steve Lyons wanted to come to the Sox, but a few in management "didn't like him". And because Singleton was a retired mediocre ballplayer who was released by the Devil Rays in the middle of the season (yeah, that bad) and has no career or broadcasting experience, the Sox could get him dirt cheap. Come on, MAN! It's bad enough Hawk & DJ suck huge ass, but now radio, too?? All because the stupid fucking radio station WSCR-AM, The Score was too god damn cheap to pay John Rooney his fair market value that he earned. This is why I hate sports talk radio. You got stupid idiots like Mike North who are like "beloved icons" to stupid idiots and thus become popular and demand big salaries & drain station revenue.

<| Saturday January 14th, 2006 |>   "I don't take crap from Elitists."

Bruce Sutter is a Hall of Famer.   What??

Somehow, in his 13th season eligible on the ballot, gained 155 votes in 5 years, to give him 400 ballots out of 520, thus 76.9%, the lowest since Ralph Kiner of the Pirates in 1975 with only 75.4%. I don't get it.

Why now? Sutter only pitched 12 years, his last 3 were horrible on the Braves, barely pitched a thousand innings, has a losing record, is 19th on the all-time saves list with 300. 19th all time, and he's the first genuine closer to be elected!

1.    478 - Lee Smith
2.    436* - Trevor Hoffman
3.    424 - John Franco
4.    390 - Dennis Eckersley
5.    379* - Mariano Rivera
6.    367 - Jeff Reardon
7.    347 - Randy Myers
8.    341 - Rollie Fingers
9.    330 - John Wetteland
10. 324* - Troy Percival
11. 324* - Roberto Hernandez
12. 319* - Jose Mesa
13. 318 - Rick Aguilera
14. 314 - Rob Nen
15. 311 - Tom Henke
16. 310 - Goose Gossage
17. 304 - Jeff Montgomery
18. 303 - Doug Jones
19. 300 - BRUCE SUTTER

* - active

So what does this list tell you? This tells you two of those Hall of Famers were starters before they were closers (4 & 8), one whose arm was ruined by Dusty Baker (14) , a lot of crummy ballplayers who just held on long, and some vastly superior closers over Sutter. So what gives?

Well it's obvious the sportswriters don't care and are stupid. They're all like, "why don't we let everyone in! We shouldn't have to hurt anyone's feelings!" It's alarming that borderline players like Jim Rice keep getting more votes every year, but you can thank an extremely biased Boston Red Sox management for pushing that shit.

Look at Doug Jones. He has 3 more saves than Sutter (303), pitched 16 seasons, pitched almost 100 more innings, 48 more K's, 62 fewer walks, and a 3.30 ERA to Sutter's 2.83. Quick reference of stats, and yet Jones only got 2 votes for a whopping 0.4% I mean, I know he's no Sutter, but numbers are numbers. If Sutter is known for the splitfinger, then Jones was known for being the unprecedented softest throwing closer out there, if ever. The only thing Doug Jones doesn't have going for him is the ERA, a Cy Young award (tho had a season almost equivalent to Sutter's) 5 All-Star appearances to Sutter's 6, and now, he's off the ballot.

The problem with sportswriters, is they're influenced too readily these days thanks to instant information and stat geeks. It's called "the Hall of Fame" not "Hall of the Very Good". Yes, Jim Rice, Dale Murphy, Andre Dawson were all really good players & All-Stars, but they weren't the best. Maybe in a season they were, but they weren't just mind-blowing outstanding for their entire careers. The Hall of Fame is for the very best, not "the very good". The other problem is sportswriters keep lowering the standards by making exceptions. Bert Blyleven doesn't have 300 wins, he has 287. But 300 is the benchmark for pitchers in his era. He's close, but this isn't horseshoes. If you make an exception for him, then you'll have to make exceptions to everyone else that's close to that. You keep doing that, and the bar gets lowered each time. I mean, where does it end? You have to draw the line in the sand somewhere.

Another problem is players are playing longer these days, and average to decent players are now accumulating huge career numbers (i.e. John Franco / Fred McGriff). Did anyone every think of these players as Hall of Famers when they played?? No. I didn't.

I am appalled that so many of these sportswriters keep stuffing their ballots with 5, 6, 7, even 10 players. You want to tell me why Goose Gossage, who has 168 fewer saves than the all-time leader Lee Smith, got 102 MORE ballots??? If I was the baseball Commissioner, I'd invoke my "for the best interests of the game" clause and remove Sutter's enshrinement to the HOF. But since the HOF is not affiliated with MLB, that can't happen.

Man, if 300 saves is going to be the new standard, then they've completely ruined the baseball Hall of Fame. Now we'll have to deal with the farce of "picking and choosing this guy over this guy" or "Franco was pretty average but Hoffman was superior" shit. I think too many of the sportswriters dared with their vote saying, "oh man, what would happen if we all voted for Sutter!" I think this was almost an accidental enshrining. Well now they've done it. They've done the unspeakable: they elected a genuine closer. There's no reason why this should have happened. No closers were testifying in Congress, no closers got busted for steroids, no records were broken or made. It just doesn't make sense.

<| Sunday January 15th, 2006 |> "then we could make all sorts of crazy laws!"

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! You're all wrong!

Everybody picked the Bears to beat the Panthers & the Colts to beat the Steelers. Well guess what. You're all wrong!

I think it's really stupid to be trash talking your opponent. Nothing like mediocre players motivating their opponent. Besides, I had a feeling the Bears would lose this game. Why? Because they're really not that good. Their schedule was so weak and the NFC is so poor. Plus Carolina is a lot better than when the Bears beat them in the season. Nevertheless, here is some taunting I did (and in context!)

Here it is right before the start of the game:

"Bears are gonna LOSE!! We want to see Rex eat the dirt and rub the shit in his face, don't we! I of course have my own selfish reasons for the Bears to lose. i don't like how the Bears are stealing the Sox thunder / this is easing all those Bears-Cubs fans, like a few of those assholes were on tv screaming after the White Sox won the World Series, "This is still a Bears town!" while wearing their Cubs hats. plus i don't respect the Bears because they played a weak-ass schedule.

Lose Bears Lose! Steve Smith is gonna fucking catch 4 TD's, run for 300 yards!
and Rex is going to break his ankle, knee, both arms, his appendix will burst, his ear will be bitten off, lose a fingernail & will pick up a STD in an open wound during the game today! hmm.. 15 mph winds....that should be enough to help a few Rex-induced interceptions

Bears are gonna LOSE!!! Fuck yeah! Ooomph! let me hear you say it, man! "

"They're going to lose."

Yeah!"

Then on the 2nd play of the game, the Panthers had the ball on their own 40 yard line:

"OH YEAH TD PANTHERS Bears got BURNED on a 60 yard TD pass to Steve Smith. And Smith deeked that Bears defender who fell down and tried to slide-tackle. He deeked that FOOL!"

Panthers go up 7-0 and would never lose the lead. The Bears got the ball and this was after a rush for no gain:

"You got stuffed! You gonna LOSE!!!"

Here's a spontaneous quote where I pumped my fist:

"Panthers! C'mon, WIN!"

By this point, I was very loud and pumped up. I am a Bears fan per se, but I've felt they were going to lose and well...I hate being wrong. The Bears did a weak-ass punt of only 19 yards, and the Panthers had the ball on like the Bears 39 yard line, and this set up a nice, long 35 yard pass to Steve Smith which he had to wrestle the ball from DOUBLE coverage. Yeah, the Bears were that stupid. Panthers kicked a field goal 4 downs later.

"10-0 Panthers. YEAH!!! You're going DOWN because you SUCK, Bears! I don't respect your weak-ass schedule!"

This comment was made when Fox came back from commercial, and they were doing their panning of the stadium / semi-close ups of the Bears fans.

"And all you stupid idiots, who paid hundreds and thousands of dollars for your stupid Bears playoff tickets! You got HOSED!!"

The Bears had the ball, and Rex Grossman dropped back in the pocket, only to be plowed over by the Panther's defense:

"Fucking slammed your stupid ass to the ground! Eat the dirt, Rex!

FUCK YEEEEEEEEEAH!! **pumps fist** "

Shortly, Fox showed the Bears' Mike Brown limping on the sidelines & into tunnel:

"And Mike Brown is done! That's huuuuuuuuuge!"

Eventually, the Bears punted and the Panthers had the ball & marched right down the field almost effortlessly: Rex Grossman was also having a horrible 1st half, where he threw like 15 passes for like 9 yards:

"Bears defense is pure shit! Panthers are just plowing all over the Bears! if i was the Bears, i'd just punt on 1st down. Oh Rex, you so 'solly'! You so SORRY!"

Unfortunately, the Bears somehow did some running and shit, and the Bears managed a 1st and goal situation. Then inexplicably, went for it on 4th & inches.

"Come on, Bears! Drop the BALL! LOSE! Fucking Bears scoring that TD on 4th and goal. For the point after touchdown, they should take the ball, and run it the other way 98 yards for a Safety."

Angered that the Bears kicked the PAT instead of running it back for a Safety, I then said:

"Bears should forfeit the game due to the shitty field."

At this point, I'm pretty exhausted from all of the taunting and I have no idea at what point in the game I made this comment, tho it was probably in the 3rd quarter, and the Bears had the ball:

"Oh yeah! Two bad runs! that turkey was STUFFED!"

The Panthers got the ball and in this possession....

"Wow, what a 50 yard pass by the Panthers! TD!!! WOOF WOOF WOOF! you SUCK, Bears!"

Next possession, the Bears were pissed and some shoving started:

"Fight! Yeah, get mad!!"

Eventually at one point, this was said & I replied:

"they need to put Orton in." and I said,
"no, we want them to lose. Keep Rex in. Gotta stick with what works."

Yeah, a whole bunch of time went by, and the Bears were down by 2, the score was....23 to 21 I believe. But then the Panthers did something sneaky:

"Yeah, Steve Smith, nice reverse run!! TOUCHDOWN!"

They missed the PAT because the field was so shitty. Then, with like 2:33 left in the 4th quarter....

"Wow.. the Bears on their like, 32, play clock expired, for a good 3 seconds, the refs didn't see it, the play goes on and Rex throws an interception!"

Suffice to say, that had to be the most botched play I have ever seen in the playoffs. I mean, all those refs didn't see it. They need to put a buzzer like they do on the shot clock in basketball. Speaking of which, the game clock was acting crazy. After one Panthers play, the clock sped up like 8 seconds really fast, and other times, I saw it stop & skip seconds. The Panthers got a 2nd & 1, but loss yards on 3rd down and were forced to punt from their own like 40. It was a very, very good punt:

"OH YEAH! 5 yard loss on the punt!"

The Bears were stuck on their own 20 yard line with like 1:15 left in the game but no time outs. Eventually they a 16 yard completion for a 1st down, but on 4th and something, about :44 seconds left, and Rex had to throw the ball and it hit the ground for an incomplete pass:

"IT'S OVER!! NO FLAGS!!! The Bears looooooooooooooooooooooooooooose!! They're the losers! Loserrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs! You lose! You lose!! Hahahaha! guess 3 weeks off didn't do shit! You suck! **kicks the chair over** Fuck yeah. You lose!"

No, I really didn't kick the chair over, but I wanted to knock SOMETHING over in celebration, preferably those soft paper towel rolls, but those weren't around. I always wanted to trash the place after a celebration. Go to a bar, grab glasses and smash them on the floor and dance on top of them. Tip over chairs, knock over people's drinks, dump ashtrays on people's heads, break any mirrors, continually threaten the bartender of his life, taunt all the fans, pump my fist, taunt people, give a congratulatory salute to Satan by pointing downward, slam my fist down on the peanut bowl so they'd go flying in the air, throwing a chair through the window, grabbing a neon sign and smashing it, throw a glass at the TV screen, flip over tables and scream things like "oh yeah!" and if its there, find a microphone of the P.A. system & talk about the game, use excessive profanity, threaten, give advice & tell people how to live and give faulty traffic reports. You know, nothing special, just typical bar room banter.

And besides, the field was in such horrible shape. Had this game been played in Carolina or indoors, it would had been different. There was like almost no traction whatsoever. Home field advantage in Chicago isn't what it's all cracked up to be. Maybe this explains why the Bears lose so much in December & January. Or maybe the team just plain ass sucks like shit. I'm glad the Bears are out of it so we don't have to see the over-coverage of them in the papers / news anymore. Plus there's nobody stupider than NFL fans. You ever try to talk to an NFL fan? They barely understand syllables, sentence structure or basic communication skills. But now you Bears fans get to sit down and shut the fuck up. You're DONE.

Lastly, I'm glad they lost. Why? Because years from now, what would people remember more fondly, the White Sox championship or the Bears Super Bowl victory? I don't have to tell you which one. Well, yes I do. They'd remember the Bears one. Sure, the Bears can win all they want, but not this year. Not after the 1st Chicago World Series Championship in 87 years. Do I really give a shit if Chicago becomes "bad ass" for winning the Super Bowl this year? Nope. I have to support the best interest of my team, the White Sox. The last thing we need right now is other Chicago teams doing well. Oh, and did I mention the Bears played like shit? So much for the best defense in the league. Championship defenses don't give up 434 yards & 29 points. And the NFL really pissed me off this year, so fuck them.

Yeah I'm a jerk.

<| Wednesday January 18th, 2006 |> "...and then we sent the lepers on their way."

Eat more cheese.

I don't know how else to state this. Eat your cheese!!

Don't give me that "cheese is bad for you" shit. If I'm going to get my daily allowance of saturated fats, I'd rather have it come from cheese than stupid shit like butter, ice cream / cookies or whole milk. Plus cheese is good for your bones. And fuck Subway's commercial campaign of "goodbye burgers, hello subs". Yeah, Subway subs are good for ya, if you don't get anything on it. They may be low in fat, but they're very high in sodium, and other things like mayo & cheese almost immediately cut out the nutritional value. And what's wrong with burgers? Not a damn thing, that's what.

So then. Put cheddar cheese in that breakfast omelet. Get that cheeseburger. Put some american cheese on that bowl of pretzels. Stir that pot of Velveeta noodles and squeeze in that cheese goo! Spread that cheese on that cracker! Eat that slice of hot pizza! Take a bite like an apple out of that cheddar block! Cheese is good for you. Just shovel it in!

And if not most importantly, cheese is great for your bowels.

<| Tuesday January 17th, 2006 |> "Bell Bottom Booze..."

Yeah, I need some kind of quote manager. Someplace other than a text file to store all of my quotes. I tried the widgets on yahoo but it was just stupid quotes from other people.

-o-

SUDOKU! YOU WILL PLAY THIS HAPPY-FUN GAME QUICKLY NOW!!!

A few days ago I had never played this game before, but had a basic understanding of it. I struggled vastly one night while farting around with it on the computer for a few hours. Suddenly the next day, my skills improved 10-fold. But like anything with only 9 numbers, it does get redundant after a while.

<| Monday January 16th, 2006 |> "Poor in bed? Doesn't know how to drive well? Acts crazy? Maybe your gf is just a super freak!"

Even tho I stopped watching the Simpsons for good for a while now, this quote hit me from the "Poochie" episode out of nowhere.

Roger Myers Jr. shouting from the observational room at the children who are rating his cartoons: "You kids don't know what you want! That's why you're still kids; 'cause you're stupid!"

Ah, the Monday after the final Bears loss. The sports news was very somber. We got to see all the mellow vanilla quotes from your "coach of the year" (ha!) whimpering "well uh, we'll gotta go back and look what we did wrong," blah blah blah, from the players like "we just got outplayed; we'll be back healthy next year," blah blah blah. Well guess what. There is no guarantee that you'll be healthy next year. There's no guarantee of that at all. And you got your asses kicked really bad. You got out-coached & did a piss-poor job of coaching. Now you'll get a much tougher schedule (the 2nd hardest in the NFC) and a poor draft pick in a year of a strong draft. And you missed a golden opportunity for the Super Bowl, because the two best teams in the AFC, the Colts & Patriots both lost on Sunday. You blew it!

<| Thursday January 19th, 2006 |> "I don't know what I don't know."

The Bozo Programme

Cast:

Timothy Bohus - "Crazy Cowboy" sidekick with bar room banter
Dolph Rudager - kid-hating clown "Bozo"

Note: get old film projector from old Pheetland School before they burn the school to the ground.
Note: get old Public Domain cartoons

Filmed at WGN-TV studios.

The Bozo Programme theme song: Bozo: "Bozo...neh neh neh neh Bozo....watch this show...neh neh neh neh...I'm not dead. Neh neh neh neh it's the Bozo Programme"

-o-

Bozo: **while cartoon is rolling** "I need a drink."

-o-

Bozo: "Hey kid, SIT DOWN, DAMN IT!!"

Bozo: "You know, me and the Mrs.were fingerpainting the other day. HEY! You kids like to fingerpaint?! Crazy Cowboy, get the paint & paper out while we roll the cartoon!!!"

-o-

Bozo: "Kids, if you know somebody, like a family member who's committed a crime or a felony, call the Bozo show and turn them in! It doesn't matter if it's your Mommy, your Daddy or your brother or sister, and do so, and you'll get a free slide whistle like Crazy Cowboy!"

Crazy Cowboy: "Howwwwwwwwwwwdyyyyyy HOOOOOOOOO-yaaaaaaaaaa."

Bozo: "And Chicago Police Sgt. O'Peterson will be here to give you a honorary certificate!"

Sgt. O'Peterson (drunken old Irish guy in Police suit): "Top o' mornin', kiddies!!"

-o-

Bozo: "Ok kids, it's time for another cartoon. This one is 30 years older than your parents, and all the people who made this cartoon are all DEAD. Roll the cartoon!" **takes a hit from flask**

-o-

Bozo: "Hey kids! Quiet down! Shut up!!"
Bozo (during Grand Prize Game):"God damn it, kid! Keep your frickin' feet BEHIND the LINE! I don't want any cheaters on my show!!"

-o-

**at the end of the show** Bozo: "Ok kids. It's time for the Grand March! Turn on the synthesizer!! Crazy Cowboy, lead the way!"

Crazy Cowboy: "Howwwwwwwwwwwdyyyyyy HOOOOOOOOO-yaaaaaaaaaa!"

-o-

Bozo: "No, kids. I'm not dead. I'm far from it. Watch my show everyday."

-o-

Bozo **during Grand Prize game** "Ok kid. Drop the ball in bucket #6 and you'll get a free small old bag of Jay's potato chips!"

Kid: "I want a racing car, Bozo!"

Bozo: "Don't be a wise ass!!! Throw the damn ball!"

Kid: **throws and ball ricochets off the top of the bucket**

Bozo: "Oh you missed! What a real rim job that was!"

-o-

Bozo: "You know what's wrong with you kids today? You're too damn fat! Get off your ass and get pro-active! I want you to play in the streets! Run around and kick that ball around!"

-o-

Bozo: "Alright kid, you're the next contestant on the Grand Prize Game." **kid is slow to come down** "Come ON kid, I don't got all day!" **kid finally arrives** "my GOD are you a fat one! What's your mommy feed you, frickin' Hot Pockets and bon bons???"

Kid: "I'm hungry."

Bozo: "Yeah kid we're all hungry. You know the rules, feet behind the damn line and toss the ball. Don't break it 'cause it's the only ball we have."

Kid: **tries to lift fat arm and misses Bucket #1** **pants for air**
Bozo: "My GOD I've never seen a kid miss the first bucket! Get off the stage!" **kid turns & walks away. Bozo kicks kid in the ass**

-o-

Bozo: "Crazy Cowboy is now gonna sing us a song! Take it away!!"

Crazy Cowboy on slide guitar: "Diabetes is hard....diabetes is hard on me...... trying to tie up with the rubber hose.... popping the vein... and stickin'...stickin'...stickin' the needle in 'cause my blood sugar is lowwwwwwwww.....lowwwwwwww...lowwwwwwww."

Bozo: "my GOD that's a depressing song. You know any others??"

Crazy Cowboy: "ooooooh Howwwwwwwwwwwdyyyyyy HOOOOOOOOO-yaaaaaaaaaa! The train.... the black train....took my baby away.... the crossing gates weren't working... the black train took my baby away........."

Bozo: "Ooooo!"

Crazy Cowboy: "I once shot a baby, just to watch it dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." **walks off stage**

**mothers in audience scream in outrage**

Bozo: "Shut your pie holes up, you wenches! Speaking of pie, Roll out the pies, Crazy Cowboy!"

Crazy Cowboy: **hauls out cart of shaving cream pies, (the band) Yes-synthesizer music theme plays**

Bozo: "Ok kids...ready...set... GO!" **Bozo & Crazy Clown begin throwing pies into audience**

**4 minutes pass**

Bozo: "Man that was fun! Alright, me and Crazy Cowboy are going to get some refreshments. Roll the cartoon!!"

-o-

Bozo: "Man that was a good cartoon! It's a lot better than that shittin' Japanese crap you kids watch today! Bunch of Jap crap! They don't even blink! They're always fighin' or slicin' something or there's a squirrel flying or something!"

Crazy Cowboy: "Howwwwwwwwwwwdyyyyyy HOOOOOOOOO-yaaaaaaaaaa! Be like the squirrel!"

Bozo: "You got that right, Crazy Cowboy! Alright, now it's time to bring out our musical guest! Me and Crazy Cowboy heard these art students play down at the The School of the Art Institute of Chicago. Pretty rockin' avant garde stuff! Enjoy, kids!"

-o-

Bozo: "So yeah, the other day, I was down at the Tas Tee Liquors buying some bourbon and a pack of smokes, and this a-hole behind the counter was telling me that Chunky Soup is better than Progresso Soup! I was like, "no f'ing way, man. You're off your frickin' mind, you deranged whino! So this conversation went on for a good 20 minutes, but I don't know how or why, but we somehow ended up in the Park tipping over trash cans and pissing on the flowers. Wasn't that a great story, Crazy Cowboy?"

Crazy Cowboy: "It was the best, Bozo."

Bozo: "Yeah, I'm the best there ever was, ain't I?"

**kid shouts from audience** "'Ain't' isn't a WORD!!"

Bozo: "HEY!! No 'shouting out' on my show, kid! That's a Bozo no-no, now SIT DOWN!"

Kid: "awwwwww FUCK OFF, clown!"

**disgruntled audience noise**
-o-

Bozo: "So yeah kids, me and Crazy Cowboy were playing Madden '04 last night, and the stupid game kept screwing me over! My safeties couldn't cover worth a damn, I missed 3 field goals, I threw 4 interceptions and I lost by 43! Wasn't that a terrible game, Crazy Cowboy?!"

Crazy Cowboy: **covers ears** "Ow! Not so loud!"

Bozo: "Yeah, Crazy Cowboy is a little out of it today, Kiddies. Oh GOD! **bends over & winches in pain** Kids, I need to go 'pay the man'. Roll the cartoon!!!"

-o-

Bozo: "Crazy Cowboy, are you going to sing us another special song?"

Crazy Cowboy: "Howwwwwwwwwwwdyyyyyy HOOOOOOOOO-yaaaaaaaaaa! Here it goes!" **banjo intro** "I love 'em... I need 'em... I love 'em... I squeeze 'em... because I'm the Ass Man, yeeeeeeeah I'm the Ass mannnnnn.. You know I've come for it before! Ass mannnnnnnn! Don't ask me what I want it for... Ass Mannnnn! **3-minute banjo solo** **music slows down** Howwww.....dyyyy... hooo... ya. .......Ass mannnnnnn!

Bozo: **claps hands** "Yeah! Woo! Yeah!"

**mothers in audience boo**

Bozo: "oh come ON! That's a beautiful song! Pipe down!!! Roll the cartoon!"

-o-

Bozo: "You know, kids, the National Train Council isn't just a proud sponsor of the show, they also have a message for you people. "Don't play around the trains, otherwise you'll be DEAD." If Bozo catches you roughhousing around the rails or jumping turnstiles, you're gonna end up DEAD. I am NOT kidding! I'm warning you, STAY AWAY FROM THE TRAINS! They stop for no one!"

-o-

Bozo: **during Grand Prize Game** "Ok kid, throw the ball into Bucket # 3"

**kids succeeds**

Bozo: "Alright! You won a free Slim Jim!"

Kid: **opens it and bites into it** "Yuck! This tastes awful!"

Bozo: **drunken laugh** "Ah-hahahaha!"

-o-

Bozo: "Wasn't that a great cartoon, kids? You know, they say a woman is a lot like a screen door. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!"

Crazy Cowboy: "Howwwwwwwwwwwdyyyyyy HOOOOOOOOO-yaaaaaaaaaa!"

Bozo: "You kids know how to count, right? Roll the cartoon!"

-o-

Bozo: **in shackles & resisting arrest from Sgt. O'Peterson** "You can't arrest me! I'm Bozo the clown!!"

Sgt. O'Peterson: "Stop re'sis'tin' ar'rest ye dirty CLOWN!"

Bozo: "Get your god damn hands off me, ye glorified pile of piglard night-watchman!"

Sgt. O'Peterson: "Don't ye make me use me taser on ye!"

Bozo: **really getting violent** "I'm gonna shove a doughnut up your fat nose!"

Sgt. O'Peterson: "Settle down or I'll knock the shit right outta ye ass!"

Bozo: "Do something, damn it, Crazy Cowboy!!!"

Crazy Cowboy: "Howwwwwwwwwwwdyyyyyy HOOOOOOOOO-yaaaaaaaaaa! Get your hands off the clown, you beer guzzling potato eater!"

Bozo: **wrestles Sgt. O'Peterson to the ground** **Crazy Cowboy begins trashing the stage as do Bozo & Sgt. O'Peterson**

-o-

Bozo: "With us today boys and girls, is ABC-7 meteorologist Jerry Taft."

Jerry Taft: "It's great to be here, Bozo."

Bozo: "Now, Jerry Taft is going to play a game with us! It's called "Quarters" !"

Jerry Taft: **long-winded exhale** "Hhhhhhhhhhhhhahaha!"

Bozo: **walks over to table with Crazy Cowboy already seated** "Now kids, the object of the game is to drop a quarter on the table and for it to land in a shot glass so we can drink it! Now watch us play this while we chain-smoke cigarettes! Are you ready, Jerry Taft??"

Jerry Taft: "Yes, I am, Bozo! **long-winded exhale** Hhhhhhhhhhhhhahaha!"

-o-

Bozo: "Ok listen up kids. Hey, shut up! Kids, it's time for "Gambler's Korner". You see, in the world of sports, there's this thing called "the point spread". This is made up by some people who predict what teams are going to win and by how much. Now, **points to chart**, We see that the Bears were 7 1/2 -point favorites, but only won the game by 4 points, which means Bozo lost a lot of money! Lousy crummy Offense! So study your teams carefully and know their weaknesses and especially know who's on the Injured list!!!! Damn it. Damn the spread. Next week we'll talk about counting cards."

-o-

Bozo: **in a lame Indian costume, in attacking stance, knife pointed towards Crazy Cowboy**: "Come on at me, Crazy Cowboy! C'mon! Let's tangle!!"

Crazy Cowboy: "You're going down, Injun-Bozo! We don't take too kindly to red-nosed folks in parts out here!!" **takes a knife stab at Bozo**

Bozo: "Oh bring it on, you horse humping Fruit Pie!" **takes a knife stab at Crazy Cowboy**

-o-

Voiceover: "Hey kids, it's time for the Garfield Goose & Racist Dog puppet show!"

**cut to crappy cardboard puppet stage**

Garfield Goose: (white sock over hand making talking motion) **Crazy Cowboy makes clicking noise with tongue tapping roof of mouth** "Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tuck."

Racist Dog: (cheap sock hand puppet with some dog characteristics) **Bozo in a high whiny voice** "What's that you're saying, Garfield Goose? You were recalling our talk last night about how I don't like black people???"

Garfield Goose: "tick tick tick tick!"

Racist Dog: "Yeah I don't care for the Italians or the Germans, either!"

Garfield Goose: "tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick!"

Racist Dog: "oh ya, I almost forgot about the dirty Czech's!"

Garfield Goose: "tick tick tick tick tick!"

Racist Dog: "arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf!"

Garfield Goose: "tick tick tick tick!"

Racist Dog: "woof woof woof woof woof!!"

Garfield Goose: "tick tick tick tick!"

Racist Dog: "Yeah you're right, 'no we don't have to all get along'. "

-o-

Voice-over: "Hey people, watch the Bozo Programme everyday at 6:30am and again at 6:30pm! Guests on the Bozo Programme this week include: Johnny "Red" Kerr, Jerry Taft, the White Stripes, Billy Corgan, Mr. T, and Marcus Fizer!"

-o-

Entertainment reporter Dean Richards of WGN-TV calls the Bozo Programme "lunatic-crazy fun!"

END

<| Friday January 20th, 2006 |>   "you heard me, Jr! no internet until solved Sudoku puzzle!!!!"

The Bozo Programme (con't)

Cast:

Timothy Bohus - "Crazy Cowboy" sidekick with bar room banter
Dolph Rudager - kid-hating clown "Bozo"

Filmed at WGN-TV studios.

The Bozo Programme theme song: Bozo: "Bozo...neh neh neh neh Bozo....watch this show...neh neh neh neh...I'm not dead.   Neh neh neh neh it's the Bozo Programme"

-o-

Voiceover: Now kids, it's time for another episode of "Bozo the District Attorney!"

Bozo the District Attorney: "Your Honor," **approaches bench** "My client is not responsible for her actions. Nor should she ever have to be. She was having trouble driving the big, scarrrrrrrry automobile, and while checking her lipstick in the many mirrors, she lost her concentration on the road and crashed her SUV onto a crowded sidewalk where many people were watching street mimes perform. And her nature, being a woman and all, she is incapable of driving an automobile because she's insane (by nature) and has limited brain capacity.   So on that technicality, I say, "all liability & charges must be dropped!"

**people in courtroom stir up disgruntled noise**

Judge: **bangs gavel repeatedly** "Order in this court!!! I will have order!!"

Bozo the District Attorney: **smiles at the camera with a "what, me?" look**

Voiceover: "next week on "Bozo the District Attorney!""

Bozo the District Attorney: "Your Honor, now I may not be the Surgeon General, but there is one thing that I do know: salty foods lead to itchy, salty balls. It was never my clients intent to scratch his crotch while standing on that train while unknowingly had his slacks zipper all the way down & was wide open with the absence of underwear, as a presentation for all to see. My client was only acting on instinct, and the REAL perpetrator here� is the good people of Lays potato chips who constantly over-salt their product, which my client happened to have ingested some few hours before the said incident. Your Honor, don't fault my client, fault the Salt Demons of Lay's!"

Judge: **bangs gavel repeatedly** "Order! I will clear this courtroom!"

Bozo the District Attorney: **turns to camera, smirks and gives a thumbs-up**

Voiceover: "Tune in next week for.... "Bozo the District Attorney!"

-o-

Bozo: "Hey! Where's my coffee??? I give you kids the precious gift of fine Pre-WWII German cartoons and somebody swiped my coffee!" **looks around franticly**

Crazy Cowboy: **sneaks up behind Bozo, looks at the camera, makes "shhhh!" finger-to-mouth motion, holding Bozo's coffee, children begin laughing**

Bozo: "Where the hell is the god damned thing?! I put it right down next to my lighter!" **keeps looking**

Crazy Cowboy: "shhhhhhh!"

Bozo: "Hey KID! You stole my coffee, didn't you!!" **begins slapping kid**

Kid: "nooooooo Bozo, nooooooo!"

Bozo: "Tell Bozo the truth, damn it, kid! Don't make me break out the belt!"

Crazy Cowboy: "Bozo.... I took.."

Kid's mother: "You get your dirty filthy disease-ridden clown hands off my son!!"

Bozo: **stands up..looks at the camera blankly** "Oh no you just DIDN'T!" **slides off belt and begins horsewhipping mother**

Crazy Cowboy: "Haha, Bozo did the bad idea! Howwwwwwwwwwwdyyyyyy HOOOOOOOOO-yaaaaaaaaaa! Roll the cartoon!"

-o-

Voiceover: The following is a special announcement from the Mayor's office.

"Hello my fellow Chicago citizens. Bozo the Mayor here! I thought I'd schedule this important news conference!"

Reporter Bob stands up & asks, "Mayor Bozo, what is the consequential agendum of the budget this year?"

Mayor Bozo: "Well, Bob�. I'm in a pickle barrel. Apparently the Budget Department sorely under-estimated our budget this year. After all those snow storms,.. the drunken snow plower's dumping too much salt all over the place & their civil lawsuits from their numerous accidents were a bit too much of a strain on the bottom line. Plus all that salt was hell on the roads, and hiring those cheap shady gypsies to pave all the roads in the first place was a horrible idea."

Reporter Anne: "Mayor Bozo, our roads have been ranked worst in the country, and are in complete disarray. It seems like there's always only one-lane open due to constant construction!"

Mayor Bozo: "What can I say, Anne? Asphalt just isn't what it used to be. So with that, and the millions of over-spending on discarded & failed park district projects and the futile funding of public schools, to make up the $783 million deficit, I'm going to have to raise taxes by 35% for all the people!"

Reporter Bob: "Oh come on!"

Mayor Bozo: "Yeaaaaaaah, I'm gonna be taxing your gas, your cigarettes, your school supplies, your property tax, your sales tax, and your booze tax, and your candy tax, and your plush novelty stuffed animals tax, your drive-thru tax, your waiting tax, your parking tax� oh ya..the airlines, restaurants and hotels are ESPECIALLY gonna feel the burn!"

Reporter Anne: "Won't this deter companies from wanting to do business with us and stunt job growth and actually fuel unemployment??"

Mayor Bozo: "eh I don't care, I'm doing it anyway! This press conference is over!"

-o-

Bozo: "Crazy Cowboy, I don't want any more old people on my show. They're too hard to interview and they don't remember what they're saying!"

Crazy Cowboy: Howwwwwwwwdyyyyyyyy Hooo-yaaaaaaaaa!

Bozo: "Hey, why do you keep saying that, anyway??"

Crazy Cowboy: "Well Bozo, it's an interesting story."

Bozo: "Ooooo!"

Crazy Cowboy: "back West where I come from, we'd all head down to the local saloon every night where all the prostitutes would draw their business, and with our constant visits & slackjawed banter, just got the habit of saying, "Howdy, 'Ho! Yeah!" just became second nature!"

Bozo: "That was a great story, Crazy Cowboy! Roll the cartoon!"

-o-

Bozo: "Hey kids, Bozo says 'the Cubs have the best bullpen in all of baseball!' Isn't that right, Crazy Cowboy?"

Crazy Cowboy: "I don't think so, Bozo."

Bozo: "Well I really don't pay attention to those sorts of things!!, like the players or the stats or what goes on the field. Roll the cartoon!"

-o-

Bozo: "Hey kids, you know what these are??? **holds up matchbook** They're matches!!! **lifts lid, rips out a match and strikes it** Oooooooo! Look at that! **drops still-burning match to the ground** ** quickly rips & strikes another match** Isn't this fun, boys and girls???" **drops another lit match & lights another one** Heheheh yeah, boys and girls! Isn't this cool or what! Heheh again, again!!"

-o-

Entertainment reporter Dean Richards of WGN-TV says the Bozo Programme is "counter-productive & is mind-polluting our culture and is responsible for decaying & making trouble for the establishment-kind-of fun!"

<| Wednesday January 25th, 2006 |> "well Jimmy...is pret-ty lame on you!"

Today I finally did my Arby's deal. On the back of one of their coupon sheets, they had an advertisement for an Arby's "Thank You Club", which you sign up with your email, and they send you special deals, and you print them out. Well this month's coupon was purchase of any other menu item, you get a free Market Fresh wrap or sandwich. Those things are like between $3 to $5 a piece. I of course never had Market Fresh before because I was boycotting it; it's not about Arby's but more about being trendy, and it's a roast beef shop, not a Subway, and it's not old school. But, being someone who has an appetite, and I found this little deal, and not using a free coupon is like, a beer bottle that never gets opened or a flower that doesn't bloom. Or something like that.

So I brought the print out of the entire email to the Arby's, presented it to the cashier, who looked at it confusingly, then got the manager, and they talked about it for a good 7 to 8 minutes while I just stood there. Smartly, I went at a time in the afternoon where nobody would be there, hence chaos would ensue from a long angry line of Arby's customers and most likely would have rejected the coupon, since obviously these people have no fucking clue about their company and their promotions. This has been around for at least a month, and apparently, hearing from a fellow nogg, another Arby's had no idea of this promotion either, but both places gave in, rightfully so.

"So what the fuck did you have?", you ask. I had the new French Onion Beef & Swiss. It's served on this soft & thick marble rye, with like a quarter pound worth of roast beef, a slice of thick swiss cheese, sauteed onions and French Onion spread on the top and bottom. Oh my god was it good! And I love onions, too. It was a very strong tasting onion sandwich at too, which at times you could barely taste the rye bread or the roast beef. Oh, and did I say it was big as hell? This thing is 2 inches high, 5 � inches by 4 inches. Yeah, I measured it. I had to. It was big as hell and the ruler was right there. Regularly this thing costs $3.49, but with a $1 off coupon, it is so worth another try.

<| Tuesday January 24th, 2006 |> "Bozo: aw, crap!"

Yes, there has been a lack of updates. That's due to the Sudoku / uniform designing craze. Well I'll be starting a part-time job soon, so I dunno how that will go or if this blog will keep going. I may have to include a �semi� in front of the Daily Column Project moniker.

I just read that the Vince Lombardi Trophy (the NFL champion thing) costs $25,000. 25k for that fucking thing?? It's just a metal football fused on some kind of hunk of metal shaped like a stand. It's easily the most bland looking trophy in the big 4 sports. And what the fuck is up with the Seahawks going to the Super Bowl??? And the Steelers, whose record last year was 15-1 & lost in the playoffs and this year was 11-5 (a # 6 seed) and this team goes to the Super Bowl??? Excuse me while I knock the shit out of the NFL executives about the NFL going to a NAAC Football polling & bowl system.

Suffice to say, it should be a low rated Super Bowl, with �the Team of Futility� Seahawks versus small town Pittsburgh going to their 6th Super Bowl. Do I really care who wins? Nope. Am I going to watch? Probably not. I hope it's a really crappy Super Bowl because it doesn't deserve all the hype.

<| Monday January 23rd, 2006 |> "oh man, that was just penis-talk!"

I really don't have anything to say. It was a monday. I ate some food, played some Sudoku, ate some food and talked to some people. This is a perfect example of what NOT to put in your blogs!

<| Sunday January 22nd, 2006 |> "You want more corn, Creambo Jr.???"

I think it's pretty safe to say "Desperate Housewives" has hit its creative peak. I don't know what to think of this show anymore. We had Gabrielle beat up a nun, which apparently the nun likes to fight too. Then suddenly Gabrielle does a complete 180 and decides "oh, now let's have a baby! It'll fix all of our problems!" Which of course, will only make things much, much worse. We had Lynette deeply troubled with issues while trying to keep her husband from ever enjoying himself again. We had a very pissed off Bree's daughter do a very stupid thing and tell the family secret. We had more uninteresting plot with the token/pressure-introduced black family. We see Britie is a psycho as well. And I'm sure there was something with ugly-Susan but I don't remember because it was boring. This show is going to burnout very, very quickly. The show just has no focus anymore. It's all, "crazy fucked up bitches ruin the world / every male involved dies / every movement in their lives is controlled by blackmail."

This show barely into half of its 2nd season / 1st full one, and its just weaving all over the place like a drunken bicyclist. Speaking of ABC, they canceled Heather Graham's show after one episode. Apparently, ABC bought the show before ever seeing a script, and spent millions advertising it. Well aren't you a bunch of stupid fucks! God, so many sitcoms never even get shown, let along filmed or signed, and ABC does this stupid thing. Who the fuck is working on this stupid network??

<| Saturday January 21st, 2006 |>   ""Spoo-dib-bity dooble!�, then he fell down."

Filler material. Believe it if you want to or not. Sometimes it's fun to write. Plus if I had to choose between my love of cheese and the love of my football team...I think it's pretty safe to say the cheese would win.

SECOND OPINIONS - By Opinion Guy.

Bears fans are the stupidest idiots in the world.

"You people are so fucking biased. I don't give a shit what the Sporting News says, Urlacher is over-rated and had no business being Defensive player of the year. Lovie Smith is an incompetent coach who has no business being an coach and should forfeit his �coach of the year� award. The entire coaching staff is clueless. Jerry Angelo is a terrible GM who doesn't know how to get good players & overpays the ones he has. He should resign. The offense was pathetic and I'm glad the defense got exposed for the fraud it is. And all of you are too god damn fat and stupid to realize it. Your eyes are blind due to your NFL-fan'ness, and you refuse to see or believe the team's flaws. Cedric Benson is a piece of shit and will never be good, Grossman will never stay healthy and Orton will never be a passer & will a career 3rd stringer. The Bears draft the worst players and I'm finally sick of it. The Bears are nothing more than a bunch of inferior trash-talking classless football players.    You people are the most unintelligent football fans there are, and you prove it with each and every word you speak.

You have an opportunity to get Terrell Owens on the team. You need him so badly because your offense sucks that much. Sure he's a piece of shit, but that doesn't matter, because this is the NFL, so who gives a shit? He could paint houses with children's blood and he'd still be sought after. His skills are impeccable.

You people are stupid, and after each word you say, the world is a stupider place because of it. Stop living on the glory of the '85 Bears. It was 20 years ago, get over it. And for all you idiots� Mike Ditka wasn't that great of a coach... he's a CLOWN. He's a stupid ass, just like you! You people don't deserve your jobs or the air you breathe. All of your wives should leave your sorry stupid asses. And if you have any off-spring, they should be blown up to smithereens so they won't have to struggle through a lifetime of inferior faulty genes.

So the next time you're at the bar watching the Bears or talking about them, take that glass bottle, and smash it over your head! And then, start ramming your head into the wall over and over! If you make a fist, punch your face! If you're holding a hammer, pound your head with it! And if you have a car, crash it into a tree! The world would be a better place.

I am seriously considering becoming a Packers fan if I can get a Cheese Hat made entirely of edible super sharp cheddar cheese."

<| Thursday January 26th, 2006 |> "Kiss the Leper."

Voiceover: "there's a new comedy coming this Fall on ABC...."

Dad: "where the HELL is that damn kid!"

Voiceover: "...from Untitled Daily Column Project Productions...."

male teen: "there's no way our stupid dad is going to find out!"

Voiceover: "...comes a rather jaded family..."

dad: "oh that kid is SO dead!"

Voiceover: "... is a new show called.."Dead Kid"...."

male teen / Dead Kid: "you can't tell me what to do, you and your ratty old flannel shirt & crazy stubble faced clown!"

Voiceover: "...and on a very special episode of "Dead Kid", Dead Kid brings his dad's gun to school."

dad: "where in the hell is my god damn gun?? I need it for work!! That kid is so dead!"

Voiceover: "...nobody knows what he's up to."

mom: "where the hell is the car & your brother?!"
sister: "I last saw him and his friends joyriding with some liquor bottles."

**quick fade out / fade in**

mom to dad: "The Government called today. They're looking for our son."
dad: "that kid is DEAD. so DEAD!!!!!!"

**quick fade out / fade in**

Family sitting down at dinner. Dead kid: "so yeah, apparently the bus driver caught me cutting the bus seats and I'm being forced to pay for the damages. So I need some money."
dad: "grrrrrrrrrrrrr."
Dead Kid: "yeah somehow they found out it was me that was making metal car key scrape-marks all over the chalkboards so I got a 2 week suspension from school."
dad: "damn it!"
Dead Kid: "Heheh, somebody flooded the gym last night and the basketball court is all wavy and curled up. Hahahaha!"
dad: "grumph!!!"
Dead Kid: "oh ya dad, I accidentally threw my math book out the bus window so I'm gonna need a new one."
dad: "god damn it!!!!"
Dead Kid: "Mom, your car is kinda missing the right tail light, and now it drives a little wobbly and steers to the right."
dad: **slams down fist** "That's IT! You are so DEAD!" **jumps out of chair and chases after Dead Kid**

**quick fade out / fade in**

dad: (in bathroom) **hears glass breaking in the background** "Damn it! How in the hell can you be in trouble already?! I'm trying to shave here!" **slams down razor** "I'm coming after you, dead kid!"

Voiceover: " 'Dead Kid', coming this fall on ABC!"

<| Friday January 27th, 2006 |> "nice...intentional misinformation!"

ok, we're going to have to talk about Kobe and his 81 points. only 2 assists?? fucking
ball hog! 46 shots. He made only 28 and missed a whopping 18. Outstanding? Hardly!

That's pretty sorry to score 81 of your team's 122. 122 used to be of the norm back in my day, when the NBA was actually good. And besides, he did it against the Raptors, who are on pace for to lose 60 games this season. Your high school basketball team could beat the Raptors. 28-46 FG, 7-13 three pointers, 18-20 FT, 2 off REB, 6 REB, 2 AST, 3 TO, 3 STL, 1 BLK, 1 PF, and of course, one technical foul because he's a fucker. And the Lakers only had 16 assists, which is very poor.

Do those stats look like the stats of an MVP? Hardly! And who the hell wants the Lakers to win, eh? Fucking nobody. Everybody's sick of the Lakers. One of the highlights of last season was that the Clippers finally finished with a better record than the Lakers. That only happens like once in a lifetime. And would I want Kobe on my team? Of course not. I don't want any rapists or ball hogs on my team. And I'm glad the media overshadowed this sham of a game with the NFL playoffs.

Here's my idea for a better NBA: 10 second shot clock. Get that fucking ball down the court and put it up! Chuck 'n dunk!

He's a bad person, and he really needs to killhimself. 'Nuff said.

<| Tuesday January 31st, 2006 |> "jealousy will get you everywhere"

Well once again Pizza Slut has done it. Now there's the new Cheese Bites pizza. The elimination of crust, comes a pizza with cheese to the edge, with 28 mini-rolls of cheese-filled dough topped with garlic butter seasoning placed around the pizza. Sounds good!

What is it about dough-wrapped cheese that's so fucking good? Pizza Slut came out with the idea of the cheese in crust, and now this. I'm waiting for the day when they make a two-layer pizza, and the bottom one is entirely of cheese.

And what is your favorite pizza topping of the Big 3?

Pepperoni? Mushrooms? Sausage?

Personally, I like half mushrooms / half pepperoni, with some onions, black olives & red / green peppers in there. Somewhat of a �supreme� pizza of the sorts.

But cheese, cheese, cheese. I need more cheese! Grab that block of super sharp cheddar, and bite into like an apple! I'm warning you, eat your cheese! Eat it! Grab it out of the bag, or grate it, or peel the plastic wrapping off, or shake it out or cut it, or spread it or batter it or cook it, you better be eating the cheese! I cannot underestimate the earnestness of this threat! You BETTER be eating the cheese or else!! Don't make me poke you with the fireplace log poker! Eat the CHEESE!

Sponsored by the National Cheese Council.

<| Monday January 30th, 2006 |> "one trick pony."

Man the Bulls suck this year. And yet, they're only like a game out of the playoff hunt. So what's the problem? Well, they're small team, no superstar / they have no really good players and are pretty average, they foul way too much and Scott Skiles has pissed off every ref. He may be a really good coach, but the Bulls almost never get the call.

And could we please have an NBA game that isn't stopped by a whistle every 2 minutes of play? Or maybe that's just the Bulls. And could we please have the NBA players in better conditioning so they're not so exhausted so early into the game & you have to play your bench so much? Or maybe that's just the Bulls. And here's another thing I don't understand: if a player gets in foul trouble early, bench him, fine. But late in the 3rd or 4th quarter, get him out there as much as possible. Who cares if he fouls out? At least you'll be getting maximum playing time. Or is it that teams are trying to save him to be the go-to guy at the last second? Or maybe I'm playing too much video game NBA.

<| Sunday January 29th, 2006 |> "no, i WON'T put a stamp on it. You're still going to mail it, and you'll deliver it and you will thank me for the privilege of it!"

Here's a crazy, stupid idea. Let's have all 4 pro-sports teams trade draft picks within each other! Let's say the Chicago Blackhawks, their shitty year (as usual) trade their # 3 pick to the Chicago Bears, who had a great record and poor pick at #26, get that # 3 pick for the NFL! Now how would that work when the Blackhawks would get the Bears # 26 to use in the NHL when there's already a # 26 pick in the NHL? Well, since it's a stupid idea, let's say the current all the draft picks after the new # 26 pick would have to move down. Or let's say the New York Giants football team wants the # 1 pick in the NFL to get Reggie Bush, pays the Tampa Bay American League ballclub $20 million for its #1 pick, & NYG keep their original 1st Round pick. And what would happen is say, the San Diego Chargers wanted the # 1 pick, and they got their # 1 pick from the Charlotte Bobcats of the NBA? Who would get the # 1 pick? Whoever got theirs last! Fair? Not all at! Bad idea? You bet!

haha it's so stupid. Just like some clown suggested that MLB should be able to trade their draft pick #'s. I think it's a bad idea, because it favors big market ballclubs. # 1 pick always costs a lot of money, and let's say Tampa is feeling cheap & doesn't' want to draft that high. So the Yankees would trade their like # 25 pick for Tampa's # 1 (money and/or players included). I don't think I like the idea of a playoff-Yankees team winding up with the # 1. Sure it probably wouldn't impact the club right away, but then with all that draft pick piling, it'd build a team dynasty & baseball is not like other sports, because draft picks take time to develop; hence the minor leagues. Shitty teams would have no incentive to better their ball club via draft picks and cheap-out. Of course, some teams do this anyway because they have bad owners like the Twins, who opted not to draft Mark Prior (who was touted as a # 1) with their # 1 pick and went with some other guy. But usually, this doesn't happen. Most owners want to win and operate business that way. Trading draft pickswould just make it that much easier for scumbags.

<| Saturday January 28th, 2006 |> "kid, you're dead! and you're fed! you're a....fed deadkid."

Pizza is good.

You better be eating your pizza, god damn it! And if you get pizza, make sure you get lots of toppings on it, and don't skimp on the cheese! I don't know how many times I have to keep telling you people to eat your cheese! Dedicate yourself to eating pizza at least once a week. And if you don't, I'm kicking your ass.

Sponsored by the National Pizza Council.

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