| ^ Tuesday January 11th 2005 v "so how was your stupid movie for jerks?" Raincheck: The biggest fake sales scam in retail. Other than the inexplicable trend of businesses having their bi-monthly "Going out of Business" sales, the Raincheck is the stranger with candy offering you a ride. I'm recalled of an incident, where a certain out-of-business market had 1992 Upper Deck baseball cards on sale for $1 a pack (which was a bargain, since everywhere else it was like $1.75 a pack) which was advertised in their flier. We go to the store and behold....no baseball cards. Store: "Oh we're all out! Fill out this raincheck and we'll let you know someday when they arrive." Of course, "someday" never arrived. And eventually I saw the cards there on the shelf later on, but by then, I had given up on the hobby which I had taken up in 1988 because baseball cards were getting too expensive. I think stores intentionally put great deals on items they don't even have just so they can lure people into their crappy store. I've heard many instances of people complaining that they inexplicably couldn't find what they were looking for in the store. I think the stores cleverly came up with the idea of the raincheck, and I'm sure they just "accidentally" or "inexplicably" deleted the letter "B" in front of it. |
| <> Thursday January 6th 2005 <> "That's In-Fuckin'-Credible!" on tonight at 7pm! Oh great. Now you've done it, Kenny Williams. You signed a notoriously lazy, defensive liability free agent catcher of AJ Pierzynski, whose been labeled as a "clubhouse cancer", spent his time playing cards instead of talking with his pitchers before the game; only watched video when his old Twins team was on. The Giants hated him so much, they didn't offer him a contract, despite him leading all NL catchers with 77 RBI's and only struck out 27 times in 471 at-bats and his .294 career batting average. Your 2005 Projected White Sox lineup: 1. LF Podsednik 2. CF Rowand 3. DH Everett / Thomas 4. 1B Konerko 5. RF Dye 6. C Pierzynski 7. SS Uribe 8. 3B Crede 9. 2B Harris Now, had I been in charge, the lineup would look something like this: 1. 2B Tony Womack (FA) 2. SS Uribe 3. LF Carlos Lee 4. 1B Konerko 5. CF Rowand 6. RF Dye (FA) 7. C Miguel Olivo (trade) 8. 3B Vinny Castilla (FA) 9. DH Everett / Gload Well, with my plan, Thomas would had been released or traded, Carlos Lee would had been retained, a trade with Seattle to get Olivo BACK (he's got wheels, a hell of an arm, can hit for average and is good defensively). If not, then Davis & Burke would platoon as Catchers and would hit 9th. 3B Joe Crede would had been optioned to AAA or released, as well as 2B Harris. Would have probably gotten Clement for the pitching staff tho wary of health issues & A.L. DH. Garland demoted to 5th spot in rotation. Other moves N/A due to tiredness. |
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| ^ Monday January 31st 2005 v "we had bananas and beer." I saw a TV commercial for this artificial food product. It showed these stupid, ignorant kids around 9 years old farting around in the kitchen late at night, hungry for some food. But instead, they pull out and start microwaving this Hot Pockets-esque roll shit. (for paranoid reasons, certain letters have been crossed out to prevent this entry from being found on a web search). You watch this kind of thing and it just makes you feel pity and think, "those poor, stupid kids eating that shit. Pure fucking garbage." Those poor kids have no fucking idea how horrible that stuff is for you. I should know...I used to eat the demon Hot Pockets....all the time. Sometimes I'd eat two or 3 of them at a time. Ick. I wonder how many years I shortened my life from eating all of those. But those poor, stupid soon-to-be-obese kids.... they never had a fucking clue. "What an ugly child! You ought to be ashamed of yourself ! " |
| ^ Sunday January 16th 2005 v "it's a fucking fake! Get on the fucking field!! Well now, it's the halfway point in the baseball season, and what better way to fill a quota for a column than talking about sports? The highlights and lowlights of the off-season: The biggest highlight: Carlos Beltran signing with the Mets. While the Mets may have overpaid, it's the Mets, so who the hell cares? My biggest fear from the rumors that he'd end up on the Cubs. And there's only 1 (and a half) reasons why Beltran didn't sign with the Cubs: and that is Sammy Sosa. Sosuck is taking up way too much payroll, and the cheap Tribune Co. refused to spend any more money, even tho Sosuck would had been off the team by the end of '05 anyway. Them not sucking it up and having a huge payroll in '05 (and it would had been a lot lower in '06) is the reason why they didn't get Beltran. Already Cubs are saying "oh, the Mets will be wanting to get rid of him in 3 years, best deal the Cubs never made". Yeah, right. I don't see how not having Beltran on your team makes it BETTER. Having somebody like Beltran, whether he plays very good or outstanding, is the difference of at least one place in the standings, if not two. Let the fucking management worry about the payroll numbers, not the fans. Who's at fault? Sosa & Tribune Co. of course. Sometimes loyalty bites you right back in the ass. Highlight: Washington D.C. finally getting a baseball team, and stealing the worst profitable team from Canada. And with all of the lawsuit threats gone and a new ballpark to open in 3 to 4 years, this piss-poor Expos team will eventually be a legitimate contender in the N.L. East, which will end up making it the most solid division in baseball. Who's at fault? Piss-poor Canada and its horseshit fan support of like 3,000 fans per game. Oh ya, and MLB for the '94 strike. Highlight: Jason Giambi, Gary Sheffield and especially Barry Bonds all admit to have taken steroids; finally justifying what we all thought and shouted. The result was a tougher but still weak testing program. Finally seeing players speak out against steroid use is always a good thing. Highlight: The White Sox ditching the power for pitching, speed and defense. Let's hope they stick to it and not give in to the long ball. Also the seats at US Cellular Field will now be dark green instead of that horrible light blue, but it's going to take all season to convert them. The biggest low-light: Randy Johnson getting traded to the New York Yankees. The greatest left-hander of my generation is now a fucking god damn Yankee. He is now dead to me. Whether or not the old 41 year old man makes a difference remains to be seen, since the Yankees are so fucking old. But there's at least a half dozen teams in a better position to win it all than the Yankees, and Randy only took the Fucker's way out. Who's at fault? Extremely piss-poor management of the Arizona Diamondbacks, who are deeply in debt and had a horseshit team around RJ. Also the current state of MLB economics played a huge role in this, being really only one team could afford RJ. Lowlight: The White Sox not signing Matt Clement and the retaining of Frank Thomas. Even tho Clement has arm trouble and his ERA would jump from pitching in the AL, he would had made a niec 3rd or 4th starter. Thomas will be taking up almost 15% of the payroll, and there is Lowlight: The signing of former-Twin AJ Pierzynski. Reports of him being a lazy catcher who cares more about playing cards than handling a pitching staff, is a defensive liability, was reported to have kneed the trainer in the groin during Spring Training of '04 in the clubhouse; tends to heckle fans, umpires and players, and be a real asshole in general. While his .294 career average may be nice, it's not worth the risk or the liability. Thomas is getting very old and will be 37. That 8 million could had been spent on something else besides a question mark sitting on the DL doing nothing. Who's at fault? Sox management, for trading the awesome catcher Miguel Olivo and too much loyalty to Thomas is really what's stopping this team from really contending. Should have spent the money on Garcia to Clement and would had been able to keep Olivo. Lowlight: Pedro Martinez and Sean Lowe leaving the World Champion Red Sox; the breakup of "The Big Three" in Oakland's starting rotation. Lowlight: Still no logo or uniform changes for any teams (other than the Expos) and even then, I was disappointed they didn't go with navy at home; red on the road originally reported which looked a lot better. Word has it that the Braves will unfortunately have alternate uniforms but they'll be red with a red cap! (ick). First time in a long-ass time there will be no new stadiums opening. |
| ^ Sunday January 9th 2005 v "....and stay off the rag!" Hahahaha Randy Moss!! Scoring a touchdown against the Green Bay Packers, then walking over towards the Packer's fans behind the endzone, pretended to moon them, then rubbed his ass against the goalpost. Hahaha. Joe Buck the announcer (Slam-a-Jam-a! Ding Dong!) was screaming "That is disgusting!!" over and over. And of course, that TD celebration made some big headline news in the NFL aka "No Fun League" and pissed off a lot of people. Of course, Randy Moss will be fined and of course, he wouldn't give two fucking shits about it. Tho, the real highlight of the game was the absolutely horrible performance of Brett Favre! Cockfucker threw a glorious FOUR interceptions! Suffice to say, he looked like Stevie Wonder out there. I think all signs indicate that it's time for Fossil Favre to hang it up. In his last 3 playoffs appearances, he seems to getting worse and worse. He seems to suffer from "Michael Jordan Downers Syndrome", that he is now a mere shadow of his former self; being that he doesn't know what the hell he's doing; he's getting worse every year, and doesn't know when to quit and if he does quit, he keeps coming out of retirement to keep playing. People with this syndrome are born with an extremely large ego. Oh, long live the glorious day when the Green Bay Packers finally have Brett Favre retired. They'll be one of the worst teams in the league for years to come. Oh ya, this week's picks are for Saturday: PIT over NYJ, ATL over STL. Sunday: IND over NE and MIN over PHI. |
| ^ Thursday January 13th 2005 v "fetivus yes! -- bagels no!" The following are ideas for the future Season 17 of the Simpsons. "Empire of Marge" Marge gets her own cooking / homemaking show, turns it into a big empire, then does some insider trading, and ends up in jail (for like the 10th time) --------------------------------- "Barts bad Day" (tho this has been done before when he worked for Fat Tony) Bart ends up getting beat up, broken fingers, arms, everyone is pissed at him, someone steals his bike, Bart ends up getting shot, toys ends up breaking, and the more he complains, the more Bart ends up getting hurt. And it'll eventually land him in a coma, with everyone mocking him. ---------------------------- "Apu Goes Shooting" Tired of constantly getting shot and robbed, Apu becomes an NRA nut, accidentally starts shooting customers, and eventually shoots some of his 8 kids who were playing inside of the food in the Quickee Mart. Goes to jail but not before Judge Harm pulls a knife on him and he kills the judge in self defense (we later learn the Judge is bi-polar & wasn't on meds anymore) ---------------------------- "Not this rip-off" The Simpsons are going to Paris to chew the cheese and drink the wine, only because of a power failure during the night, during the morning rush, Bart is left behind to fend for himself while the plane carries the rest of the family. Then Bart has the time of his life, then Snake and Sideshow Bob come in to rob the Simpsons, only to fall to all the traps Bart has set. The hilarity ensues. ---------------------------- "Lisa 'napped" Feeling like an ultra Liberal protesting machine, Lisa holds multiple protests and annoys the hell out of the family & the world. Certain laws get passed, and it particularly pisses off family members. Eventually she gets kidnapped, but in light of what Lisa has done, the Family refuses to pay the ransom. Faced with either eating meat or starving to death by her kidnappers, Lisa holds to her principles, and annoys the hell out of the kidnappers so much they end up dumping her on the Simpson's door step. ---------------------------- Clip show # 8 (no theme) Various clips cut and snipped together at random to make no sense whatsoever. ---------------------------- "She DEAD" Both Patty and Selma both die suddenly, and Homer couldn't be happier. He starts dancing on their graves and comes up with some witty songs and bits, which impress a local man (insert latest cheesy celebrity voice here) which lands Homer his own radio show. Marge, increasingly pissed off at Homer and his new-found fame where her dead sisters are the butt of most of his jokes, she slips some bad food into his dinner and Homer becomes ill and unable to work on his radio show. Then Marge goes behind the microphone, only to get fired after pulling one prank too many that ended up a school bus being blown up. ---------------------------- "Edna and Cook-a." Sick of Principal Skinner, Edna Krabappel decides to date and marry the Italian Cook with his dancing monkey. The rest of the episode contains 17 minutes of dead air. |
| <> Sunday January 2nd 2005 <> "
Does my column give you nightmares?" This is (was) quite a day. I know I don't talk about football much because A) It's only on once a week and I really don't care about the teams playing or B) my team has long been eliminated from the playoffs. Tho the million dollar question is: "Does that make me a bad hardcore-true fan to my football team if I want them to lose a meaningless game against our most hated rivals who are already in playoffs; and only for my team to lose so we get a much better draft pick to help the future?" I don't know. When the only thing that comes down to this game is only pride, and does nothing else, what's the point? Sometimes a game is just a game. What's the point of winning the game if it hurts your future? Ugh, it looks like there will be no losing NFL teams in the playoffs. Damn it. How I wished to prove that too many playoff teams ruins the integrity of the regular season. Tho if two of your 6 NFC playoff teams has a .500 record, that's pretty pathetic. Ugh, speaking of pathetic, the Vikings should have missed the playoffs but they didn't. How I hate writing columns in the middle of the day. I had to delete half of what I wrote here. How said almost everything I was hoping for didn't happen. Well, it's hard to believe that the Bears season is finally over, meaning the next step for Chicago sports is Opening Day for baseball. It was another forgetful Bears season; a season where I slept thru most of the games. It was a pointless season, with the early tough schedule and then all of the injuries that ruined the season. And hopefully, the Bears management will wise the fuck up and actually take the back-up QB seriously for once in their fucking lives. The Bears made the mistake of actually assuming that they could get thru the season with just one QB, and this being probably the weakest NFC in years, they could had gone in the playoffs at 8-8. On to College Football, this is the first time I've actually really followed the College Bowls, so here's some highlights so far: Outstanding Rose Bowl of No. 6 Texas vs. No. 13 Michigan, resulting in a last-minute play of 38-37. I only rooted for Texas 'cause I like their burnt orange color and logo better. Capital One Bowl: No. 11 Iowa Hawkeyes (Luth!) defeating No. 12 LSU, on another literally last-second play win of 30-25; Hawkeyes winners of 8 straight. Fiesta Bowl: No. 5 undefeated Utah Utes vs. No. 19 Pittsburgh. Tho this was going to be a blowout no matter what, it ended up being 35-7, and Utah, the little team in the mountains who nobody loved, ended up going 12-0. And I still haven't gotten this memorized, but I think the four BCS goes as: 2004: Rose Bowl: # 6 Texas Longhorns vs. #13 Michigan Wolverines Fiesta Bowl: # 5 Utah Utes vs. # 19 Pittsburgh Panthers Sugar Bowl: # 3 Auburn Tigers vs # 9 Virginia Tech Hokies Mon 7pm Orange Bowl: # 1 USC Trojans vs # 2 Oklahoma Sooners, Tues 7pm Tho I don't understand how # 4 ranked Cal got put in the Holiday Bowl. |
| <> Monday January 3rd 2005 <> "oh, my knee, baby! it broke, it BROKE!" Randomness: My new license plate: "AFUK4U" -o- Marie: "You know what your problem is, Frank? You're too close-minded!" Frank: "You know what your problem is? You're too open mouthed!" -o- Jimbo: **steals Lisa's saxophone** Lisa: "HEY!!!!" Jimbo: **blows and makes a horrible saxophone noise** "Look at me, I'm Elvis, mannnnnnnnnn!!" -o- "I want the job of a back up QB in Indianapolis or Philly." Well, apparently, Jonathan Quinn, the QB of the Bears did my idea. He's spent the past 9 years in the NFL being a back-up quarterback, almost never taking one snap in a season, and has made millions and millions of dollars while doing nothing. Then, somehow, catastrophically, Rex Grossman got hurt and was forced to actually play full games, his weaknesses and overall crapiness was exposed to all. The back-up QB: the biggest scam-artist cheat in the NFL. |
| <> Tuesday January 4th 2005 <> "show stopper....pill popper!" Man, was that one shitty Orange Bowl. # 2 Oklahoma went up 7-0, and then just completely fell apart and # 1 USC scored 38 points in the 1st half. I mean, I really wasn't rooting for any team to win, but I would have liked a close, exciting game. I mean, it's like as soon as USC touched the ball, the Sooners played like they were being haunted or something. Of course, there was bad calls by the officials, a USC punt which they somehow recovered on the 8 yard line (scored a TD the next play), Oklahoma making stupid mistakes; their running game was non-existent; and it just looked so sloppy it looked like it was the Bears playing. By 9pm I just turned off the game and missed the best part; which was the entire stadium booing at Ashlee Simpson to get off the stage (not that I would have noticed since I would have muted it anyway). Tho, it goes to show, that this game, which everyone was anticipating since like August, turned out to be pointless; so when you look forward to something so much, it'll always turn out to be a big disappointment. |
| <> Wednesday January 5th 2005 <> "show stopper....pill popper!" Backstage at a comedy club: Gary: "You're not going to do that awful 'fart bit', are you?" Dolph: **silence** Gary: **walks away disgusted** Dolph: "What..??" Announcer: "Ladies and Gentleman, Dolph Rudager!!!" **crowd applauds, Dolph walks onto the stage** Dolph: "Yeah, it's that time of year again, the time for New Years resolutions. Let's see, I resolved to eat more fruits and vegetables. Uh...continue boycotting McDonalds and.." **crowd applauds** "Thank you, thank you. Also keep my weight down....exercise more, eat less fast food. Oh yeah, and when opening food packets of stuff, actually tear the entire top off instead of a small corner where the damn thing takes forever to pour out. Haha!" Dolph: **walks around stage and scratches head** "Aaaand get a haircut every 2 months so I don't end up with a mullet like a jackass." **audience laughs** Dolph: **smiles** "Yeah, and...." **farts** "Oh shit. "There goes another resolution!" **farts** **audience mutters** "God damn it, man, I really wanted to promise myself not to do that anymore." **one or two people laugh** Dolph: "You ever notice, how there's nothing worse than coming out of the shower after a good, hard, cleaning of a scrubbing....and then.... **moves microphone to fart on cue** **fart**" Dolph: **moves microphone back towards mouth** "Phew, I can see why there aren't too many Fart Comedians in this business, after 2 or more farts, that smell really starts to stink up the microphone and people tend to.... to..... really...... **blinks** lose their con.... **stutters** con- **sways** concentra.... **looks sick and stops for 5 seconds** concentration. ....I'm woozy." Dolph: "That's why I think there should be a plug for my ass so the air couldn't come out, but then that plug wouldn't last too long, with the dirty brown air coating the anus walls with fart-dust and.... **audience boos & begins to walk out & leave** "Hey c'mon, where you going??" Dolph: "and like, why do you think farts are so flat? I guess it's because they're coming out upside down or something. You ever fart while sitting on a top of a metal desk? You can really feel the shockwaves and rattling..." **audience boos loudly; others continue to leave** Dolph: "oh c'mon! Jesus Christ! Lousy fuckers." **puts microphone back on stand** **looks around & sees everyone left** Dolph: (disgusted) "Sonavabitch!!!" **swats microphone stand to the ground** **feedback from microphone** **walks off the stage** END |
| <> Friday January 7th 2005 <> "Don't let him into your house...he'll pee in your shower." The baseball Hall of Fame elected 3rd baseman Wade Boggs and 2nd baseman Ryne Sandberg. I lost a little respect for Boggs and Sandberg when they said that Pete Rose should be in the Hall of Fame. And what makes me even more nervous, is they're going to have a vote as Veteran Committee members to vote on future HOFers. Apparently these players have no regard for the rules in place for baseball either like Rose. Now, on to the current 500+ baseball writers (with at least 15 to 20 years worth of writing experience) voting. Jesus christ, most of these writers have no business voting. As a tradition, the week before the announced results, all the writers tell about who they voted for and why. And naturally, or at least in the stupid Cubs-ass-fucker Chicago Tribune, they all voted from 5 to all 10 of their votes for inferior candidates. Now, on to the players. Wade Boggs, known for his anal retentive time management and pre-chicken meal before games and of course his widely-known adultery with some slut. Pretty much was a "me-me player", who pretty much all he did was get his 3,000 hits, prevented Jeff Bagwell from being a Red Sox (Jeff was a hometown draft pick originally a 3rd baseman in the early 90s) and was an all-star at his position at a time when 3rd basemen really sucked. Some writers are shocked that he got so many votes in his 1st year of eligibility (91.9% !). And yet, they have no fucking clue that it was THEIR FAULT for voting for him in the first place! When you're filling up the ballot with junk like Bruce Sutter, Jim Rice, Goose Gossage, Andre Dawson, Bert Blyleven, Lee Smith, Jack Morris and Tommy John, you need a fucking clue??? Those players were very good players. The fewer in the HOF the better; it's reserved for the very best and it should remain that way. If there was a Hall of Fame for the "Very Good" then all of those guys would be in. The only thing most of those guys have in their favor is longevity. Most of them never won MVP awards or Cy Youngs, or only lead their league in a few pointless stats a few years. Now for Sandberg. The only thing he had going for him that he was a 2nd baseman. Had he played 1st base or any outfield position, he wouldn't even be remembered. And 2nd base was such a notoriously weak position that the all-time greatest 2nd baseman is the incompetent moron Joe Morgan. And looking back at Sandberg's 1984 MVP award, with his .314 AVE, 19 HR's and 83 RBI's wouldn't even be second or third best on a team these days. |
| ^ Saturday January 8th 2005 v "hello, fuck you, let me jump in your shoes." Hmmm..Saturday. Let's see....the Seahawks lost again in the playoffs to an 8-8 Rams team (first ever non-winning playoff team to win). The San Diego Chargers came back and tied it (tho I was watching the Bulls beat the Celtics) but missed a 40-yard field goal in OT, and the Jets won it on a field goal. I'm sure that fat fuckhead Kevin James aka "Doug Heffernan" aka "fatty Doug" from "King of Queens" must be happy that his fucking Jets won (he only wears 8 different NY Jets paraphernalia per episode) Ah, the curse of Marty Schottenheimer lives on. Al Michaels said that he�s gone through some of the biggest heart breaking loses in NFL history have come where Marty Schottenheimer was the coach. And of course I bet "Pigshit for Brains Doug" is enjoying the impending signing of Carlos Beltran by his beloved New York Mets. My picks today were: Seahawks over Rams, Chargers over Jets. Of course, that didn�t happen. Tomorrow�s picks are Indianapolis over Denver and Green Bay over Minnesota (boo). |
| ^ Wednesday January 12th 2005 v "the Barking Dog Coffee Jitters" Oh ya, the word on the news today, is that young people shouldn't be using cell phones because it gives off radiation, and it's been linked to tumors. I wonder if using all of these computers is going to start some kind of cancer plague 20 to 30 years from now. My computer tower is like a foot away from me. You know, there's got to be a reason why there's so much more cancer these days than there was 100 years ago. I wonder if all the radio signals / electrical appliances / computers play a role or not. Or it could be from the food, too. With all of the chemicals they use, the stuff they pump into live stock and stuff. It could be a combination of all of this stuff. Or it could be from all of the Nuclear Power plants and other toxic waste. I�m sure this will be in the future medical journals: "50% of Americans will die from obesity and the other 50% will die from cancer." |
| ^ Monday January 10th 2005 v lol @ this fat teen with a t-shirt that said "ultimate cockfighting" Oh this is rich: TV News: "Teens who play poker / gamble are much more likely than honor students to drink, smoke, steal, lie, cheat and do illegal drugs." Once Johnny's parents saw this report on the news, they became very concerned. Wife to husband: "John?? John! John, I was snooping in Steven's room....and I found a deck of cards!!!!" John: "Oh that's it...he's on drugs. Off to military school for him!" END |
| ^ Friday January 14th 2005 v "Kill Bill is an awful, horrible movie." Sputtering comments from sportswriters in the Tampa / St. Petersburg area have stated that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays of Baseball; baseball's worst, cheapest, smallest fan base and worst-run team since its inception in 1998; is due to be "put to death like a suffering animal on the verse of dying." The following comments were from me: 1. They got stuck in the toughest, richest division in baseball; which makes them look even cheaper. Had they been put in the A.L. Central, things wouldn't be as bleak. 2. The success of the Marlins, D'Backs, and to a lesser extent, the Rockies makes this 1998 expansion team look even worse. 3. The wrong time to get a team. Had the White Sox moved there in 1990 (team won 94 games that year) as planned during the mid 80s, or the Giants almost did in the early 90s, the St. Petersburg / Tampa Bay team would be that much farther in its history with a better team & fan base instead of what it is from '98. It's extremely tough to build a team from scratch & bottom feeders of baseball. 4. A baseball salary cap and floor would do wonders for this Devil Rays team. Other than more spending and a lot of luck, it would probably be the best thing to save the franchise. 5. A horrible stadium (tho practical at the time) was built too soon in an era before the Camden Yards / Safeco / Arlington retro / retractable dome-galore era. 6. Patience is needed. With the exception of the Mets & their '69 season, most expansion teams went over a decade before winning seasons / playoffs. Tho without a salary cap, it's going to feel even worse. And what's the only thing keeping the team around?: a 30-year stadium lease. Which of course, should have never happened because when the ballpark was completed some 15 years ago, it was easily the ugliest, dreariest, most depressing MLB ballpark that ever existed. Of course, back in those days, ballparks were built to last 50 to 80 years, not unlike today's; which are only good for 20 to 30. Tho after 2 failed attempts at getting a team, the city was pissed and demanded (and this is the pre-strike era, when baseball was the # 1 sport ) a team. lol tragically, it got one.... in 1998. And we all remember what happened in that cock-sucking year of the steroid-assisted homerun.... and the Devil Rays never saw one second of that glory.. being stuck in a different league. In this modern era of "Me wantee faster NOW", the Devil Rays are what is considered an old-fashioned baseball expansion team and are doomed. Only Bill Gates could save this team, and he would have to build the stadium, bribe the fans, spend about $300 million to make the team competitive all while doing it with one of the smallest revenue base in baseball. I don't know how this would help his Microsoft stock; with all the potential users of his software are suddenly funding a baseball team. But you know what?...... "Owners are not allowed to spend their own money on the team." The Minnesota Twins are owned by a billionaire who owns like all the Wal-Marts or something; and yet they're not even the biggest spenders in their own division (that would be the White Sox at $70 million). I'm not sure of the specific rule that prevents owners from chipping in from their own wallets, or how partial owners of the Arizona Diamondbacks are constantly being asked to put up more millions to cover the team's huge red ink. Had Tampa never built that stadium, and that baseball never expanded until 2003 (and this process starts at least 3 years before the teams start playing), I'm pretty sure Tampa would have said "Thanks, but no thanks." |
| ^ Saturday January 15th 2005 v "Ass warts!" Randy Moss: "Ya, man, the NFL fine me mo' $10,000 motherfuckin' dollars, I don't give no shit, man. That mean nothin' to me! Man them motherfuckers can go fuck the cattle and eat the shit. I don't give no shit about those dumb fat fucks. I's going to be me's, and do whateva the fuck me's does. Haha shit, damn! I don't give a fucking shit about those cocksuckers, man. I got my fuckin' millions of green and my touchdown receptions. I don't give no two shits about those NFL finers. Hahahaha! I'll knock the cooter out of their cunts, man!! Hahahaha! I don't come down to where they work and slap the dick out of their mouths, 'cause if I did, they'd fine me for that too! Hahaha! Fuck yeah! **begins singing** "Buckwheat" in da' house!! **poofs up huge afro**. "Buhwheat, Buhwheat, Buhwheat, in the playoffs, the's NFL's gots ass-warts in the brain! Buhwheat, Buhwheat." Seriously, man, I don't give no two mother or father fucks about the NFL, man! They's so fuckin' stupid they sold their cars for gasoline! Alright! Motherfuckers can't touch me, I'm the greatest asshole who ever lived! They's don't have a motherfuckin' Blues Clue who da' fuck they's dealing with!! Maybe next time I'll wiggle something else in bastard Green Bay! Yeah! Damn! We're gonna beat motherfucker Philly!! **begins singing again** "Buhwheat, Buhwheat, I fuck yo' mama, NFL! Buhwheat, Buhwheat!" I don't give a shit about anything!!! I don't care.....I'll do it again! Y'all go apeshit, motherfuckers! Ha ha!" END WARNING: Randy Moss may or may not have actually said this! |
| ^ Monday January 17th 2005 v "I wonder if Kevin James choked on his bacon when his beloved Jets missed both of those field goals." This whole thing is funny. If the NFL was really serious about stopping this kind of thing, the fine would be more like $500,000 or $1 million. $5,000 or $10,000 is a joke to NFL players, and it will do nothing to stop these celebrations. The NFL really doesn't want this kind of thing to stop; they'll only do a PR / rule thing to punish it in a minor sense; but the NFL really doesn't care (duh). Player personalities make the marketing aspect of the NFL what it is, not the integrity of the sport. You can send anyone in a jersey to score a touchdown or make a big play; or some fatass on steroids to make a tackle; it's the people up-close in *the* moment that really sell the game. It's all about publicity and highlights n' fame...that's probably why there's so much celebration by players after almost every play. And ya, I found what Moss did was hilarious, since I hate the Packers so much, and it did exactly what the NFL wanted: got my attention and wanting for more. And I only say this as a baseball fan 1st and a football fan 2nd |
| ^ Tuesday January 18th 2005 v "all pipes are straight, man." "Woke up one morning; felt really raw. I remember nothing from the night before. I was very tired and exhausted when I went to bed. So many crazy thoughts and images during my nightmares. I slug out of bed, and wonder, "Did that happen?" or "did THAT happen?" I thought of something weird but headed here, But with a quick leer and a loud jeer, it was now clear! That 70s Show had been renewed for another season! "Noooooooo!" I teared! " Despite this shitty show declining in every aspect; and with Topher Grace and ultra-idiot Ashton Kutcher leaving the show, apparently Fox has decided they "needed" another season, despite this was supposed to be the last one; which all of the actors had known this for years. God, what the hell could they do in the show now?? Kitty: "Listen up you damn kids! You can't keep hanging out in my son's basement because he doesn't even live here anymore!" Jackie: "Mrs. Foreman, I'm waiting for Michael. I wonder where he could be!" Hyde: "I don't know." Fez: "I have no other place to go." END |
| ^ Wednesday January 19th 2005 v "I told you, Michael, I don't like Space!!!" "and then Ringo fell out of his chair." And that's all you need to know. |
| ^ Thursday January 20th 2005 v "king of the king." It's been a weird week. The air is so damn dry it's hard to feel comfortable at all. Also what's weird is haven't listened to any music at all; meaning no mp3's and no FM radio, and of course, no column entries or writing. Sometimes you get sick of everything; eating the same foods; doing the same things, watching the same god damn shows over and over. And of course, blog activity & message board postings have been quite down lately; and of course, the overall shitiness of newspaper columns. I swear these writers do not care what they write about anymore. I'm seeing instances where writer's are contradicting themselves from their older columns. These people don't write because they like to or because they have something say. They write because they need to fill some quota and "sell newspapers". Tho I can't remember the last time a column actually made a big newspaper worth buying. |
| ^ Friday January 21st 2005 v "replace your divid, asshole." There was no column available today because the printer ink cartridge ran out of ink. Sorry. |
| ^ Saturday January 22nd 2005 v "replace your divid, asshole." Let's see.. my football predictions are: New England over Pittsburgh and Atlanta over Philly. |
| ^ Sunday January 23rd 2005 v "Mr. Pickles happy-funtime abortion clinic." Well, the Eagles beat the shit out of the Falcons in conditions where it was cold and windy as hell. And now it's time for My two cents : "What a sad day for the NFL. Another reason why to hate the NFL (as if all the stupid fucking penalties weren't enough) I speak on behalf of a fan of neither team, but I sure as hell didn't want the Eagles to win. I have a hard time wanting the Eagles to win especially after what happened in the 2001 playoffs. And there were some questionable calls in that 1st half that made seem like the game was rigged for Philly to win. Well McNabb and his stupid fat mama finally get to play in the Super Bowl. I hope the Patriots beat the living hell out of the Eagles so mama's-boy McNabb's stupid fat mama can finally shut up and stop making those Chunky's commercials. Big... fat... stupid... old... woman. I have nothing against McNabb himself, it's the Eagles I hate." END |
| ^ Monday January 24th 2005 v "....and then Ringo fell out of his chair." There will be no column today because some dog ate the floppy disk. Sorry. |
| ^ Tuesday January 25th 2005 v "next week on the Inbred family!" King of the Hill: "Closed Captioning sponsored in part by:" Cocksuckers. (deep voice) "Suckin' dick and coccccccck." Cocksuckers. Sucking the dick and the cock since 1912. END |
| ^ Wednesday January 26th 2005 v "shut your fucking fat ?Chunky asshole up!" More reasons to hate football: 1. Whistles. I hate that loud, ear piercing sound of all the refs blowing their whistles at the same time. 2. How any penalty on the defense results in a 1st down for the offense, even if it's after a play from 3rd and 7, or 2nd and 22, etc. 5 yards should be just 5 yards added on. I don't think there should be any change in the down if it doesn't meet up to the 1st down marker 3. Intentional Grounding I feel is a stupid penalty. most of the time it's up to the ref to judge "if the ball was in the area of a receiver & if it was catchable" 4. Passing Interference (reprise). That is so fucking stupid!! How can you award yards on a catch that was never made?? And you can NEVER assume that he would have caught the ball! 5. Bribed refs. Some games it seems like one team seems to catch all of the breaks and doesn't get penalized as much. And sometimes a play is really obvious but they still get the call wrong. And don't say it never happens, because sometimes you see a call and go "What the fuck were they watching???" 6. The old standard: TV-time outs / commercials. There is too many god damned TV-time outs and commercials!! You need to take a break after kicked the PAT, then after the kickoff?? Come on! It shouldn't take 2 to 5 minutes to get this set up! 7. Players getting hurt. This is annoying to watch and it slows the game down & results in MORE commercials! Depending on what kind of person you are, injuries are only fun when they happen to the other team. |
| ^ Thursday January 27th 2005 v "all pipes are straight, man." You hear about how these European Professional soccer clubs want to sign this 9 year old kid who plays soccer? I mean, come on. The god damn kid hasn't even hit puberty yet, and they think he can run around a field with adults?? Prodigy or not, any guy could come along, pick that kid up and slam him right into the ground! That kid is one collusion away from having his arms and legs broken. And what the hell kind of competitive drive can a 9 year old have?? Your sport is in really bad shape if a 9 year old can play professionally. Of course, it's fucking soccer. Run and kick sport. And there's only one country in the world that hates soccer! Can you guess who that country is? United States of America! Woo hoo! And what has this great country of ours figured out? We figured out that the longer an athlete puts off turning pro to hone his skills, the better he becomes and thus the professional product improves. Example? Kids who come out of 3 to 4 years of college basketball do better in the NBA than kids straight out of high school. There are of course exceptions, but the level of maturity just isn't there, and we all saw what happened with Kobe (high school signee). In baseball, players are expected to play high school, college ball, go through the minor leagues for at least 2 to 6 years. In the NFL, they have rules that you have to be a certain age to be a pro. And hockey.... nobody cares about hockey anymore so we'll just skip that. |
| ^ Friday January 28th 2005 v "Next week, on Desperate Blackmailing Bitches!" Well it's 8 days before the Super Bowl, and again, the highlight will be the commercials, but they won't be as good this year because the fucking FCC is being a real wart up the ass. Karma: Some people say there's Karma on Philly, from what they've done to teams, and from what teams have done to them. My bit of karma against Philly is from what they did in the 2001 playoffs, intentionally bodyslamming & injuring for good the Bears QB Jim Miller; thus beginning the Eagles string of 3 straight NFC Championship game losses. Oh ya, and their fans are assholes. Mocking opposing injured players carried off the field, throwing batteries, booing Santa Claus (which I don't condemn because Santa IS fucking stupid and lame). 3 straight NFCC losses isn't enough. Losing the SB will be the cherry on top of the karma ice cream sundae. Prediction: NE - 42 PHI - 16 And it won't even be close. Prediction: Pats will by up 14-0 before the Eagles get into the redzone. |
| ^ Saturday January 29th 2005 v "fish don't fry in the kitchen..peas don't burn on the grill.." The Berenstain Bears in.... "Family Fun Trip" By Dolph Rudager The Berenstain Bears are gathered in the kitchen. Papa: "Hey kids! It's time for our family fun trip!" Sister: "Oh boy! Where are we going??" Brother: "Hey! Let's go to Bear Gardens! They have all kinds of rides, fattening processed chemically engineered junk food and loud music!!!" Mama: "um, that doesn't sound very pleasant." Papa: "We're going to the National Forest Park!" Mama: "It's going to be oh, so much fun! Sister: (dejected) "Oh....great..." Brother: (whispers) "god damn it!" Papa: "Brother Bear! Watch your mouth! You know we don't allow references to Christian Overlords in our comrade house of Stalin coalition!!" Brother: (rolls eyes) "FINE." The Berenstain Bears hop into the car and head towards their destination. Sister: "Are we there yet?" Mama: "No, Sister Bear, it's going to be quite a while." Brother: (whispers) "god damn it!" Papa: "Brother!" Mama: oh, we just passed the Burger Bear joint! Oh kids, Remember how much better meat used to taste 20 years ago?" Brother: (annoyed) "um... no." Mama: "well I do! It was so much better back then! I just plain don't understand why meat just doesn't taste as good as it used to. You just don't know what these shittin' stores and meat markets are doing anymore with meat. It's just impossible to find a decent piece of meat these days and..." Brother: "ENOUGH!!" Sister: "Nobody cares, Mama!!!" Mama: "oh what-EVER!" (shrugs and looks out the window). Time passes and Brother & Sister Bear are bored. Brother: (begins singing) "Yankee Doodle dandy, Papa drank all the brandy!" Sister: (singing) "Oh Jose can you see, thy Mama's endless nagging on thee." Papa: "...Will you kids SHUT UP!" Mama: "Making up riddles won't get us there any faster. You'll just have sit there quietly and obediently." Papa: (to self) "oh, why oh why did I eat all those green olives dipped in sour cream with those 11 cans of Bear-beer for lunch! *ooooooooh!* " Mama: "my husband..... 'Mr Universe' " Papa: "oh cripes I'm gonna throw up!" **Papa quickly opens the car window and throws up out the window; with some vomit splattering all over the side of the car** Brother: "oh fucking GROSS!!" Sister: "ewwww my male role model!!" Papa: (hurling) "bleeeeeeeeech!" **cough** **gag** Mama: "Couldn't you at least stop the frickin' CAR when you do that??" Papa: (wipes mouth) "Ooof! I think that's all of it! And guess what, gang. We're HERE!" Brother: (whispers to self) "Thank fucking GOD!" Papa: (angry) "Bro-THERRRRRRR!!!" Mama: "Okay! We're going to spend the next 4 hours hiking though the forest and looking at trees and rocks!" Brother & Sister: "mooooaaannnn!" **4 very long hours later** Papa: "Isn't this FUN, kids??" Brother & Sister: "No." Mama: "Oh look what's behind these bushes! It's the river & waterfall! Isn't it pretty?" Brother: (now excited) "Can we go swimming?? But we didn't bring our swimsuits.(frowning)" Mama: "Well! (reaches into purse) I have them right her.." Sister: (shouting) "Last one in is a soulless Communist heathen!!!" Brother: "Yeeeeeee haaaaw!" **Brother & Sister jump into the water** Papa: (screaming) "What the HELL are you doing?! You have your clothes on!" Mama: "Stop it, stop it!! You're ruining your bear-clothes!!" Sister: "Why do we even need clothes, anyway?? We're freakin' bears!" Papa: (points shaking finger at Sister) "Don't fucking fuck with ME, buddy!" Mama: "Papa! Language!" Brother: (happily swimming) "Oh the water is so slimy and polluted. It's great!" Sister: "Haha! I found a empty bottle that's the brand of Papa's Bear-beer!" Papa: "Oh you little smartass kids made me so damn mad! Grrr! GRRR! ROAR!!" (pounds chest; proceeds over to a tree and punches it with fist) Papa: "Owwwwwwww!" (winces at the pain) Mama: (concerned) "Oh dear! It looks like Papa broke his paw!" Brother and Sister: "Hahahahaha!" Mama: (pissed) "That's it! Fun time is over! Get in the car!" The Berenstain Bears climb into the car & head home. Mama: "P.U.! You kids smell like seaweed! You've ruined ANOTHER family outing with your ruthless behavior." Brother: "oh it wasn't OUR stupid idea! We wanted to go to Bear Gardens!" Papa: "oooooh I think I'm gonna throw up again!" Mama & Brother & Sister: "Noooooooooo!" Papa: **puuuuuuuuuuuuuuke!** END |
| ^ Sunday January 30th 2005 v "Chocolate is the equivalent of eating lard." Wow, so many thoughts coming out so fast I can barely get them down fast enough!!! Rumors of Sammy Sosa being traded to Baltimore for Jerry Hairston & two lowly touted prospects. 1. This trade is so funny to a White Sox fan. Here is Sosa, apparently deemed as the "all-time greatest Cub ever" has turned into the most hated man on the team and gets booed out of Chicago. 2. The Tribune Company once again shows its stupidity and ignorance. After handing out that stupid large, long-term contract a few years ago is what got them in this mess to begin with. Apparently they figured Sosa would had retired like Ryne Sandberg did twice with huge amounts still left on a contract. But of course, that didn't happen. Sosa's skills (chuckle chuckle chuckle) have been declining rapidly for the past 3 years, and it's that huge contract is what prevented from trading him for the past 4 years, even tho his stock was much higher. 3. The Tribune Company saying they'd refuse any Sosa trade where they had to pay Sosa's salary. Well guess what.....the free-agent season is now almost over, and it's rumored that the Trib is paying $12.5 million and severance, while getting almost nothing in return. 4. Looking back at Sosa walking out on his teammates, and while recovering from his sneezing injury in May of 2004 where he spent most of his time away from the team, it seems apparent that Sosa had little to no friends on the team. And after someone smashed his precious boom box in the clubhouse, the message was loud and clear: "We fucking hate you, you fucking worthless piece of lying shit." 5. This will be the first time since 1988 that Sosa will not be playing for a Chicago team. And the entire Chicagoland will be better for it. 6. So what does this trade mean for the Cubs? It means that your outfield will be much, much weaker (tho that's up to debate, since a solid contact hitter / low power guy could make up the difference). 7. Sosa is a cop-out. Rather than apologize or admit for doing anything wrong, he'd rather just run away and (according to the schedule) will never, ever have to step in Wrigley Field again. The Cubs clubhouse will now be a ton different, with no player ego issues to deal with. 8. Sosa is probably the most over-rated player in the history of baseball, and it's too bad he's going to go into the Hall of Fame (thus tarnishing the good name of the HOF). Finally, what has been obvious to Sox fans for years, is now obvious to baseball fans everywhere: "Sosa sucks." 9. Sosa follows the trend.... it seems like no Cub leaves on good terms. Players and broadcasters have wised up to realize the Cubs organization is a huge mess in general and is run by incompetent beings who care more about profits than a quality product (just look at their sports writers). And they'd be in much worse shape if Minnesota drafted Prior like they were supposed to with the # 1 (but they can't afford # 1 picks) and thus the Cubs got him by default. But the fact remains: Why in the hell would anyone support this team other than spite? There's more to baseball than playing in a rotting, decaying ballpark that just has some stupid plant growing on its outfield walls you know. 10. What do we all know about Sosa? He was always a "me-me" player, constantly put himself before the team; was always having trouble with his managers; was constantly looking for more endorsements / Pepsi commercials to be in; he of course corked his bat and got caught when it shattered (lord knows how many times he got away with it); it was the always "homerun or nothing" strategy that killed a-many Cubs seasons; and couldn't hit the cut-off man to save his life / atrocious fielder; he looks way older than he claims to be; and he's an obvious candidate for steroid use seeing how he just exploded in size in the 1990s and ironically, once steroid testing was in place, his stats went significantly down and broke down a lot. 11. And with the way things ended, it seriously looks like Sosa's retired number will never fly on the flagpoles at Wrigley Field. A bold statement by management would be to not retire his number at all and give his number to Jerry Hairston Jr. haha wouldn't that be a slap in the face?? What was Baltimore thinking??? 1. Ever since Peter Angelos bought this team in the early 1990s, he has run it into the ground by over-spending on mediocre players. Only playoff trips were in '96 and '97. It's hard to believe that the Baltimore Orioles were actually * the * powerhouse team in baseball as recently as the mid 1980s. The Orioles management tricked fans with the whole Cal Ripken Jr streak for years and years, and once that ended, they finally saw the horseshit team management put together and thus declining attendance. 2. As stated, the Orioles tend to over-pay for free agents and somehow actually only have to pay for $5.5 of Sosa's contract this year! They're going to try to work out (surprise surprise) a two year extension after the '05 season to "lock him up". haha whatever, dumbasses. 3. The Washington Nationals factor. Despite losing out on every single free agent this winter, this Sosa trade seems like it would had never happened if the Montreal Expos team had not finally been moved 40 miles of the Orioles. This is a PR move and a bad one for the Orioles, because with the huge ticket sales of the Nats, the Orioles felt the pressure to "grab some of the fans back". Getting a surly, injury-prone strike-out hitter who can't field (they'll probably stick him at DH) who's extremely old and past his prime is not the way to do it. I'm sure by June Sosa will be booed as well. 4. With the Red Sox and Yankees in the same division, the Orioles will always be stuck playing for 3rd place in baseball's toughest division, and Angelos knows this. The only thing that would make any Orioles owner care is a salary cap. Finally.... The big baby asshole is finally out of town and the success of the trade is not who they got in return, but the mere fact that the trade was made at all. The Cubs could have traded Sosa for a hot dog and would had been happy, even if that hot dog cost them $12.5 million. |
| <> Saturday January 1st 2005 <> "
this football team of shit." It's breakfast time at the Cunningham household. Richie and Mr. Cunningham are sitting at the breakfast table. Mrs. Cunningham is in the kitchen. Mrs. Cunningham: "Good morning Howard." Mr. C: "Good morning, Marion. What's for breakfast?" **looks up from newspaper** Mrs. Cunningham: "We're having toast!" Mr. C. "Oh! **thinks, now excited** Strawberry??" Mrs. Cunningham: "nope, we're all out. "Grape" !" Mr. C. **snarls & now is pouting** **Fonzie kicks the front door open** Fonzie: "Heyyyyyyyyyyyy Mr. C!" Mr. C: "alright god damn it, that's IT, Fonzie!" Fonzie: "Heeeeeeeeeeey Mr. C?" Mr. C: **runs up to Fonsie and begins strangling him** "alright listen up, punk! I'm sick of you coming on to my wife; leering lustfully at my daughter, filling my son Richard's head with a bunch of garbage ideals and beliefs! And it's gonna fuckin' stop right NOW!" Fonzie: "Whoa, hey, Mr. C!" Mr. C: **now shouting hysterically** "Now don't give me any fucking shit, punkhead!!!" Richard: "Dickhead science teacher is always harping on Potsie." Mr. C: "Stay OUT of THIS, Richard!!!" **Mr. C. proceedes towards his car while dragging Fonzie along by the neck and seat of his jeans while muttering "lousy mother....fucking son of a bitch..."... **Mr. C. throws Fonsie to the ground and kicks Fonsie in the head a few times & gets into his car** Mr. C: "Fucking asshole!" **Mr. C turns on the ignition and proceedes towards Fonzie's motorcycle** Fonzie: "Whoa, hey, wait Mr. C! I thought we were swell friends!" **Mr. C drives his big-ass car over Fonzie's Motorcycle** Fonzie's motorcycle: **crack, cringle** **snap** **sound of metal scraping along asphalt** Mr. C: "Ah-hahaha! Yeah! Stupid fucking asshole! Ruining your motorcycle to a pile of shit!" Fonzie's motorcycle: **crumble scrumble** **screeeeeeeeech** **bam snap** Mr. C: **shouts out of his car...** "Now stay the fuck away from my family and get the hell out of my town or I'll have the Sheriff shoot your ass out of my town!!!" Fonzie: **looks down** "Geeeeeeeeeez!" **gives a 2-thumbs down** END |
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