08
20
>  Sunday April 1st, 2007  <   �The price of ginger has caused us to relocate.�

Alright, here we go again.  The Untitled Daily Column Project is back and it still has no name.  Opening Day is tomorrow, and I�ll have my baseball picks up shortly.  A few thoughts on this season:

I have no idea who will win the World Series.  The N.L. East is up for either the Mets or Phillies, the Central is so wide open the Milwaukee Brewers could win it, and the West is the usual borefest.  The A.L. East will be for the nth time Red Sox vs Yankees.  The theory going around is that the A.L. Central is going to have 4 first place teams in it.  However, Minnesota lost two starting pitchers, Cleveland has like no bullpen or solid starter past the # 2, and the Tigers will inevitably be strained with tired and overused arms like last season�s White Sox, and Kenny Rogers will miss at least half the season.  So basically, it�s the White Sox division to lose, and if people, especially the starting pitching and especially Mark Buehrle start tanking, then the Sox will finish either 3rd or 4th.  I didn�t even bat an eyelash when Ozzie Guillen said he wanted Carlos Zambrano in a Sox uniform next season.  Completely unrealistic, the Sox will never give out a contract for more than 3 years and they refuse to pay free agent pitchers (it�s all cheap and young from here out). 

Suffice to say, I wasn�t too thrilled of trading Freddy Garcia over the Winter, but apparently his velocity is still down and Kenny pulled a turd-on-your-face trade with the Phillies, and luck have it, the Phillies play in the most homer-friendly park.  I�m still pretty pissed off about the McCarthy trade with Texas, turns out the Sox didn�t like his �attitude� and other stupid shit.  Well shit, if I was a starting pitcher and I got stuck in the bullpen while a crappy pitcher like Javier Vazquez pitched in my place, I�d be pissed off too.  I�ll tell you about the White Sox: if you don�t get along and kiss their asses no matter how big of a jerk or how stupid they are or how warped their being of logic is, you won�t be on the team, no matter how good you are or what you�ve done for them. 

Also on Monday, we�ll have a new NCAA Basketball Champion.  I don�t ever recall the Championship being on the same day as Opening Day.  Two major events shouldn�t happen on the same day.  But anyways, the blog is back.  In conclusion:

Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Billy Madison: Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine.
>  Monday April 2nd, 2007  <   �Chicago Train Derailment Blues�







And now, my 2007 picks:

A.L. West
ANA
TEX
OAK
SEA


N.L. West
LAD
SD
SF
ARI
COL

* - Wild Card
ALDS: NYY over ANA in 3
ALWC: CHW over BOS in 5
ALCS: NYY over CHW in 6

NLDS: NYM over LAD in 4
NLWC: PHI over HOU in 3
NLCS: PHI over NYM in 6

WS: NYY over PHI in 6.

What is my reasoning behind this?  I don�t know.  Quite honestly, I could reverse any of those combinations, and I�d say potentially anyone of those teams could win it all.  All it takes is a hot streak.  I�m wary of picking a Philly team to win it all, since they tend to choke the most.  I say teams that are headed for a huge crash this year are: OAK, WAS, PIT, ATL, MIN and BAL.  In a happy world, the Devil Rays would qualify for a Wild Card and the Brewers would win the N.L. Central, with the D-Backs suddenly taking charge of the N.L. West and the White Sox start off April with 19 wins.  Of course, none of this will ever happen, and it will be the same boring shit again this year.  Yeah the Yankee�s Opening Day pitcher Carl Pavano hasn�t pitched since mid �05 and you�d love to see that pitching staff completely fall apart, but that stupid lineup of theirs will keep them in every game all summer. 

And now, we bring our attention to this matter: 755.  The once-thought unreachable and most prestigious of all sports records is now a mere fart away from being broken.  Karma will be doing everything it can through the people involved to make sure this doesn�t happen (maybe a little help from Karma�s cousin, �Superstition�, and his sister, �Coincidence�).  I can honestly say that if Bonds breaks that homerun record, we can officially burn the record book, because it will be completely useless & I will never believe a single record ever again nor will I ever defend a single stat ever again.  And I hope that if you get the Extra Innings package, that you have Direct TV, otherwise you�re completely shit out of luck.  Way to fuck your fans up the ass, MLB.
A.L. Central
CHW
DET
CLE
MIN
KC

N.L. Central
HOU
STL
MIL
CIN
CHC
PIT
A.L. East
NYY
BOS *
TOR
TB
BAL

N.L. East
PHI
NYM *
FLA
ATL
WAS
Your daily dose of the absurd.
>  Friday February 1st, 2008  <   "What Were They Drinking?"

You want to hear some bullshit??!  On "Deal or No Deal", on this one particular episode, they're giving this woman 10, count 'em TEN suitcases with a million dollars in them!  That is so not fair to the other contestants.  I have lost faith in this show.  They've grown impatient, but they just can't handle with that they play a game that's pretty damn hard to win a million dollars.  They ruined the show.  Cheap gimmicks for the price of their soul.  There is just no need to do this, there eventually will be a million dollar winner.  Baseball did the same thing with the homerun after the Strike.  And yes, you can call me a "Deal or No Deal" purist.  Play the damn game the way it was meant to be!
>  Sunday February 3rd, 2008  <   "Well I was a' poopin' on a Saturday night...."

Super Bowl aftermath:
Horrible outcome to Super Bowl XLII. A number of reasons...
By Dolph Rudager
ASSOCIATED PRESS

The thing that bugs the hell out of me, is now the '72 Dolphins won't shut the fuck up.  If anything, Don Shula and the '72 Dolphins need the fucking bottle of champagne smashed on their heads.  The Patriots still hold the longest single-season record, the only 16-0 team ever, and the '72 Dolphins had an incredibly weak schedule.  Only two of the teams they beat had winning records, and they did it with only a 14 game regular season.

While football is hardly a traditional sport (national pastime my fucking ass) but from a purist perspective, this was a horrible outcome, with a Wild Card # 5 seed in a weak NFC beat the # 1 AFC/NFL team.  The NFL won't view this as a bad thing, because they'll make fucking huge moola in sales due to the largest market having won.  If anything, the NFL needs fewer teams and few playoff spots, not more.

We were robbed of seeing, which for many of us, would be the 1st undefeated NFL  team of our lifetimes.  And the fact that a Manning; who every Bears fan should hate everyone fucking one that ever existed; won the Big Game, who had no business being in the Super Bowl or crowned a champion, let alone the playoffs on the way Eli played in the regular season.

Right now, Karma has its head upside down, because the team most screwed in the ass in all of this, is the San Diego Chargers, whom the assholes Mannings decided Eli would never sign with San Diego.  I can't stand cockiness like that.

Flawed NFL scheduling lead to a Week 17 rematch, whom I say the Giants greatly benefited from playing that game, probably studied the hell out of the video and looked to expose flaws.

And for the record, no I did not watch the game.  I'm sick of the hype of the game and the hype for the commercials.  Plus it's ridiculous that a :30 second ad costs $2.7 million, which we the consumers end up paying for in the end.  Besides, commercials in general annoy the living shit out of me; they'll be played a fucking million times throughout the year and they are NOT part of the fucking "fun" Super Bowl experience, which I find is way too dragged out and made into a huge farce.  Besides I was out shoveling heavy snow and to me the World Series is a 100 times better than the Super Bowl.

I don't understand why certain people are happy about the Giants upsetting the Patriots.  No true Chicagoan would EVER root or be happy for a New York team.  New York is the Evil Empire.  New York is Fuckertown.

Editor's note: this piece has been enhanced with additional profanity
>  Saturday February 2nd, 2008  <   "What Were They Drinking?"

You want to hear some bullshit??!  On "Deal or No Deal", on this one particular episode, they're giving this woman 10, count 'em TEN suitcases with a million dollars in them!  That is so not fair to the other contestants.  I have lost faith in this show.  They've grown impatient, but they just can't handle with that they play a game that's pretty damn hard to win a million dollars.  They ruined the show.  Cheap gimmicks for the price of their soul.  There is just no need to do this, there eventually will be a million dollar winner.  Baseball did the same thing with the homerun after the Strike.  And yes, you can call me a "Deal or No Deal" purist.  Play the damn game the way it was meant to be!
And if you don't get this Groundhog's Day movie joke, then you're just a dumbass.
>  Monday February 4th, 2008  <   "Hate the Player, Hate the Game, Hate it all"

I saw this piece of the news about how the electric company charges electricity by the hour, so naturally it's cheaper at 3am than at 7pm due to demand.  So if everyone started doing their laundry at 3am, wouldn't the price of electricity increase anyway depending on the value from the demand?
>  Tuesday February 5th, 2008  <   "You're like a snake in Winter."

waht's wtih all these haf-assed blog entr...
>  Wednesday February 6th, 2008  <   "What happens on "Ask This Old House".... STAYS on "Ask This Old House" ! "

Ah, let's hear it for "Phone It In Tuesday", perhaps another wonderful Untitled Daily Column Project tradition.

Since I don't have much to talk about, I see Roger Clemens went and perjured himself yesterday, lying for over 5 hours.  The sad thing is, he's going to get away with this, because even if there's a photograph or video (hmmm, maybe I should check Youtube for that) of them shooting up shit into his fat ass, it still wouldn't prove if it was Vitamin B-12 or designer steroids.  Tho it's so obvious with his 'roid rage and the significant shift in his stats so late in his career. 

Since I still don't have anything to say, here's an idea I came up with for a "King of the Hill" episode.  The subject of effigies came up.

"Actually, in retrospect, they should do an episode plot of Lupe burning a Peggy Hill effigy. Of course it'd have to be an episode where they'd do random quick check-ins of past instance characters. Show Hank's brother in Japan, all disappointed, punching his crotch & curse at Hank or Cotton in a bedroom scene with his wife; a cut to Tammy the Hooker ironically being a substitute teacher in Oklahoma City, etc.

Tammy:"Now ya' all turn yer Advanced Calculus pages to FAVF-Hundred an'Threeeeeee raght now..." "
>  Thursday February 7th, 2008  <   "Faultco Grocers: where every can has a dent and every tomato has been squeezed."

That new Fox reality show, "The Moment of Truth": flawed.  Basically, contestants get asked a bunch of questions while being tested by the polygraph machine beforehand, then come on the show to do a few rounds of questions to winning X sums of money.  Basically rounds, 10k, 25k, 100k, 200k, 375k, 500k, # of questions 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.  After each question is answered, a female voice says, "That answer is.....true/false".  Now the questions are intended to be embarrassing, lame or flattering to the person, with various people in their lives to witness this in person on stage. 

A few things: I've noticed that these extremely lame contestants are pussying-out after completing rounds one or two rounds, it's never gotten to the 4th round.  Also the audience seems to applaud that the person was answering truthfully, no matter how horrible the truth is.  "Yay you stole tips from your co-worker waiters and altered bills so you'd get a bigger tip, yaaaaaaayyyyyyy!" Another problem is the polygraph is not 100% reliable.  This underwear model last night was asked "Have you ever stuffed your underwear for a photoshoot?"  He looked confident, answered with a firm "No", and the result was "That answer is False", and he looked pretty pissed off, 'cause it cost him $25,000.  Whether or not he was actually telling the truth, if the stupid polygraph said I was lying that I hadn't been to the Moon, I'd be pretty pissed off.

Dolph Rudager: "False?!  What the fuck, are you kidding me??"

Host Mark L. Walberg: "Well the poly says you've been to the Moon."

Dolph Rudager: "Oh come on!  I wasn't even born yet when the last man walked on the Moon!  This is BULLSHIT!!"

Host Mark L. Walberg: "Well the poly says otherwise, and you lose.  Game over.  Sorry you got kicked off the show."

Dolph Rudager: "You'll be hearing from my lawyers."
>  Friday February 8th, 2008  <   "in Russia, uniform wears you!"

As I mentioned last week, the bullshit that's going on with "Deal or No Deal", I looked up the episode where the woman got ten million dollar suitcases, and apparently her 1st four picks were million dollar ones.  Apparently she ended up taking a deal for $297 million with 3 unopened cases left, with $1,000 in her suitcase & a one million dollar suitcase left unopened.  It was also mentioned on the show that the million dollar suitcase had been picked 14 times, but all were sold for a smaller amount.  Howie Mandel, being who he is and all, wants somebody to win the million, despite the efforts of The Banker and NBC.  Apparently this "Million Dollar Mission" has been going on since last Fall, with that too failing. 

I don't understand this urgency, or why anyone would want to see someone win a million dollars.  It's odd that they always find really stupid people, and even stupider audience members who always seem to cheer, rather than boo contestants.  As I said before, I root for people until they give me a reason not to, but I just don't have the patience to wait anymore. 

In other news, The Celebrity Apprentice ended last night with the women's team losing for a 5th time in 6 tries, with the Latino version of Rachael Ray (same height, same sausage fingers, same hair style, same voice, same lameness) Former Telemundo Executive Nely Galan got her ass fired for another lousy performance and for mouthing off to Trump in the boardroom. Omarosa (who is a piece of shit btw) probably would have gotten her loud fatass fired had proverbial chatterbox Nely shut up for once in her life (that cost her at least one task).  If anything about these women, they're over-confident, turn on each other and have been divided against each other from day one.  Plus they keep losing because their ideas are lousy, and they think "Oh we're women, we know better!" shit that makes them ultra cocky, and when they find out they actually lost in the boardroom, they're so flabbergasted that they can't even concentrate or answer Donald's questions. 

This being the 7th season of the Apprentice, apparently they're going to do another celebrity version, which again will probably be for charity, yet another sign of a horrible economy that Donald Trump doesn't have another opening at one of his companies, but rather piss away time with celebrities raising money for charities.
>  Saturday February 9th, 2008  <   "Yes I'll take my coffee on a plate."

Voice-over: "This cooking show was sponsored by:

"Faultco Toilet Paper. 'For when after the meal has passed & the dishes have been washed (now designed not made to disintegrate in your hand).' "
>  Sunday February 10th, 2008  <   "I don't like stopping at stop signs!  It's stupid!"

Baseball announcer #1: "And here's the match-up everybody's been waiting for, Stan Killemgood steps into the batter's box to face Rener "Captain HGH" Yates, whom Stan accused very lively and often of Rener's secret substantial HGH use and rumors of Rener 'stickin' it up MLB's ass for his own personal glorification of his ego'.  "

Baseball announcer #2: "Oh and Rener is NOT very happy to see Stan in the batter's box, with that big scowl his face.  He's already pounding his mitt."

Baseball announcer #1: "Alright here's the wind-up and the pitch!  OOOOOOOOOOOO he beaned Stan Killemgood in the back with an inside fastball!"

Baseball announcer #2: "Oh now Stan is going after the baseball, he's picking it up, he's walking towards Rener on the pitcher's mound, and he himself has just beaned Rener Yates with an inside fastball of his own!"

Baseball announcer #1: "Stan seems to be screaming, 'HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT,YOU STUPID CHEAP MOTHERFUCKER?!  See how it feels,Dickhead!  'Roid takin' Shitfaced cockmaster!!' Oh my!"

Baseball announcer #2: "Man, this is unprecedented!  No, wait, this probably hasn't happened since MLB lifted its ban on immigrant ballplayers.  And for a long time, immigrant ballplayers did not pull in very good value in trades."

Baseball announcer #1: "No they did not!  You know this brings up a point about the Johan Santana trade, it just seems like these small market teams are just merely Minor League Class-AAAA teams for these top richest teams."

Baseball announcer #2: "And those who don't think that.... should be lynched.  Back after these commercials."
>  Monday February 11th, 2008  <   "I think I'll be taking my cold shower now..."

We are now getting a live feed on breaking news Stan Killemgood's press conference:

Stan Killemgood: "No, I do not regret my actions yesterday of retaliating after being beaned by Rener Tates.  And despite what MLB's commissioner's office & the disciplinary's office has said, "No, I am not sorry."   I don't care if it's bad sportsmanship. I don't care if I was in full intent to injure.  I am not going to take any bullshit from an asshole pitcher, who thinks he can pitch like a thug and get away with it.  Stan Killemgood looks out for Stan Killemgood, and Stan Killemgood recommends all young baseball hitters and athletes across America to do the same as I did in such a situation.  It's a rough world out there, and if the world knocks you down, you knock them right back down on their asses.  Any resistance or suspension imposed by MLB will be indubitably fought by the Union, which I will of course win in such a ruling.  As for you whiny parents who say I'm a bad person and a bad influence to your kids, let me ask you this: "Do you want your kid to be a wuss, or do you want him to know how to play the game of baseball?" I really don't care what MLB thinks is "the right thing to do" because there's so much money involved in my career, and if MLB thinks it can start bullying franchises, then Congress will subpoena them and threaten to revoke their antitrust exemption.  I guess that's really all I have to say on the matter: I'm not sorry, I don't regret it, and I'd definitely do it again if the situation occurred.  Tho I suppose I could use this time to lay on my political and religious views and infringe onto the public in an attempt to educate people and tell them all what Stan Killemgood really thinks is right or wrong for society..."

Aaaaaaaaaand that was Stan Killemgood's press conference.
>  Tuesday February 12th, 2008  <   "Alimonyyyyyy....alimonyyyyyy... I gotta pay alimonyyyyyyyyy...."

Well if there's one thing we've learned about sports stadiums recently, is the reason they're smaller, is because the cheapest seats are the most expensive to make.  Well there's another question that needed to be answered:

"Are player salaries to blame for high ticket prices?"

Apparently, the answer is no.  According to Neil deMause's "Field of Schemes" website & published book, the real reason is it's all Canada's fault.  IT'S CANADA'S FAULT!!!  The exact date has actually been pinned down, and this is a rough recap from his book on the subject:

"The day that baseball ticket prices skyrocketed can be pinpointed to the exact day.  On Jun 5th, 1989, the Toronto Blue Jays opened the Sky Dome to the public.  Baseball had previously concentrated on stadium capacity before.  The Sky Dome was the first stadium to concentrate on the money makers, hence an unprecedented 161 luxury box seats, a right field hotel, $7 hot dogs and extra wide and expansive concessions concourses.  Camden Yards may had been the first retro ballpark, but the Sky Dome was the first "mallpark".  And of course, the Blue Jays were the first to break 4 million in attendance.  Thus this new revenue, the Blue Jays were able to commit more money to players, and thus a trend began.  Before, ticket prices in the 1970s & 1980s showed little correlation with payroll.  Now since 1991, twenty four of the 30 teams tickets and payroll are highly correlated."

The New York Yankees new stadium, has indeed now gone past the cost of $1.8 billion.  This is due to rising costs of materials and such, and costs for new stadiums for the New York Mets, Jets and Football Giants & the Dallas Cowboys are going up as well.  These teams are considering selling the naming rights (which especially New York can because it's the largest market) for $20 million a season (which makes the 2003 White Sox U.S. Cellular deal of $68 million for 20 years look like a total bargain). because they can' and they do it help pay off debt.  And of course' it's only going to get worse.
>  Wednesday February 13th, 2008  <   "Get the phlegm flowing"

Well that sucked!  Apparently all of my quotation marks and apostrophes in Microsoft Word had started showing up on my screen and in both browsers as question marks.  I then went to View and to Character Encoding to switch to "Western (ISO-8859-1)" and that fixed the problem, only if I went to a different page or went back, the switch wouldn't stick, and I tried a number of options but it just wouldn't stay.  I only started having this trouble tonight, and apparently it's affecting other blog viewers as well.  So I had to go back and re-do all of February & January's problems.  It seems to be fixed. 
>  Thursday February 14th, 2008  <   "Mmmm, Glycerol Ester of Wood Rosin!"

Oh no. OH NO.  NO!  No, Donald Trump!  Don't you DARE put Piers and Omarosa on the same team!  No!  No!  That's a bad Trump!  Bad!  NOOO!  "NO!  That's a bad Trump!" I can't even listen to what the hell the task is.  Something about.... eating a horse or something.  I don't want to see to see this.  No Piers & Omarosa on Team Hydra!  No splitting up of the teams!  You're throwing the balance of the Universe all out of whack!

And once again, Omarosa doesn't have the contacts to raise a lot of money.  If her big mouth and back-stabbing attitude wasn't already a weakness, it's her lack of celebrity (she was a Season One contestant on (real) "The Apprentice".  I don't like annoying entertainment.  She's just personally attacking Pier's family for no real reason.  And already, just nothing but arguing for Team Hydra, Omarosa on the sabotage plan.  Of course, they've always edited these shows to make look like the team that has it better is going to win, but actually loses in the end.

Fucking BILLY BALDWIN?!!  Team Empresario's ace-in-the-hole is a celebrity horse carriage ride with BILLY BALDWIN??!  Man this is boring.  The only time a horse carriage ride is interesting is if his name was Rusty and he ate a lot of beans.  Well it sure looks like Team Hydra is just half-assing through this task.  If Team Hydra somehow actually wins this task of raising the most money, then we'll have to sit through another week of this shit. 

Oh dear, Team Hydra ends up with $35,000 over Team Empresairo, who were all so happy, united and good with each... lose in the task.  And Donald Trump was all like "oh there's something wrong with a divided dysfunctional team winning over a happy team!"  And once again, Team Hyrda wins and goes 6-1.  Oh boo hoo, "this is the toughest decision I've had to make in a long time".  Gee, Trump, you and your producers thought you could break the Mean vs. Evil team but couldn't.  "Single hardest firing I ever had." Oh geez.  OH!  Oh NO!  Nobody is fired!  And Marilu Henner is going to the other team, with Omarosa going to back to Team Empresairo.  What a sappy ending to a lousy flawed episode.  The lousy team won and the happy team doesn't get punished for being short. 
>  Sunday February 17th, 2008  <   "Shoo!"

Well it's the somethingth NBA All Star Game, and of course I won't be able to watch it because it's on TNT. I read a nauseating article about the lameness of today's NBA players, who say "It's more important to make the team than actually play in the game". It's that kind of lazy modern attitude is the whole reason why the NBA All Star Game means so little to the public. In 1988, when the game was at the old Chicago Stadium, which ended up being Michael Jordan's "rite of passage" in the NBA after his 1988 ASG showing, where he said while pissed off at halftime, "If you guys want to have some fun," then Jordan looked at Coach Mike Fratello and said, "Put somebody else in because I'm not losing in this building". And that was with the East up 60-54.

Nowadays, players are more about having a good time, taking a break from their teams and not worrying about getting hurt. Well okay, then. I just won't give a shit about your league's ASG. Apparently it used to be an honor for an NBA team & city to get the ASG, but not anymore, apparently. There's talk of putting the 2011 ASG in London, because after the '07 Las Vegas incidents and because the league distributes all the ASG tickets, meaning season ticket holders are left out; teams are now rejecting to host the ASG, including the Chicago Bulls. And as I had assumed, David Stern announced that the Seattle SuperSonics will end up moving to Oklahoma City, given either after this season or if they're forced to honor the two years left on their lease. It's partly the NBA's fault for allowing a sale to an ownership with outside-Seattle interests, who ended up confessing they never intended to keep the team in Seattle.

Today I'm officially beginning a quest. On the internet, there's websites with uniform histories of MLB, NFL and NHL, but not of the NBA. So I've decided to start up an NBA uniform history archive, with the help of ebay & basketball cards, NBA.com and a few retro sports memorabilia sites with authentics and replicas to help me on the dates. This is mostly going to be collecting images and renaming the files with dates, and then organizing them by team, with eventually merging graphics so there's a home and a road pic. This is probably going to take me at least a few dozen hours to do this, but mainly I'm going to start working on the 1970s and 1980s, then go to the 1990s, and I'll go from there. And if I ever get around to it, I'll eventually put it on something like Flickr or some website so we can all see it. And since NBA designs tend to be 360 degrees, I find making flat jersey graphics as pointless.

*Note: and only 1/120th into the project, I have become bored as hell.  This may be a "more than a few dozen hours" of a project.  Apparently Topps was a motherfucker in the 1970s and airbrushed some uniform scripts but not others.
>  Saturday February 16th, 2008  <   "Faultco Dept. Stores: where the customer is never right."

Led Zeppelin in concert always used the intro to "Out On The Tiles" as the live opening to "Black Dog".  I feel sorry for all those Led Zeppelin fans whose favorite song was "Out On The Tiles" only to have it abruptly interrupted by "Black Dog", and they never got to hear their song!  If I was Led Zeppelin, "how could I do that?  How could I treat my fans that way?" And these fans are like "I hope they really play 'Out On The Tiles' tonight!" And when the band started playing it, it never got sung.  How sad.
>  Monday February 18th, 2008  <   "Untitled Daily Mountains"

So Foghorn Leghorn was in Kentucky, and walks into a Kentucky Fried Chicken and Colonel Harland Sanders is standing behind the counter at the register, and Foghorn says, "I said, I say son, what do we do got brewing in here?  I was walking by when I picked up a smell of 11 herbs and spices...."  And then Colonel Sanders grabbed a butcher's knife and cut Foghorn's head off, and the Colonel holding Foghorn's head, while they both watch Foghorn's body run around in a bloody circle.

Decapitated Foghorn Leghorn: "Well would you get a look at that boy running all around like a chicken with his head cut right off!...wait a minute."
>  Friday February 15th, 2008  <   " 'You know you give me, such a chill...but you know your dope can't pay ma' bills, I want some money!   yeah...'"

That was real funny the way Roger Clemens perjured his ass and threw his own wife under the bus (not literally, but probably could due to his 'roiding) saying that she took HGH before a Sports Illustrated shoot.  And of course, we had McNamee suddenly admit that he lied several times in the Mitchell Report, tho it was that he didn't name people and not the opposite.  The public opinion is they're both dirtbags and somebody's lying, tho most likely it's Clemens.
>  Tuesday February 19th, 2008  <   "No, sorry. I don't have jugs of high fructose corn syrup lying around."

Peanuts - 2008                                                  By Rudager

1st Panel:
Charlie Brown: "AAAAAAAUGH I can't get my stupid iPhone to work!!!"

2nd Panel:
Charlie Brown: "AAAAAAAAAUGH my hard drive crashed AGAIN!"

3rd Panel:
Charlie Brown: "AAAAAAAAUGH my identity was stolen!!!!!"
>  Wednesday February 20th, 2008  <   "Faultco Training Bra:  with faulty rusty hooks and itchy straps"

TV news interviewer: "Ah, 'Ship in a bottle'.  So how did you get that tiny 3" ship inside of that Jack Daniels bottle??"

Ship in bottle builder: "Well not by drinking Jack Daniels, that's for sure!"
>  Thursday February 21st, 2008  <   "They don't like Diane Chambers."

Oh FUCK.  I missed The Apprentice tonight!  Oh well.  Apparently Marilu Henner got fired, meaning another original member of Team Empresario lost AGAIN.  This actually turns out to be Team Hydra's first loss via firing.  Vinnie Pastore just ended up quitting for Hydra.  Apparently he task was each team is to promote their selected products on QVC live on television. Marilu Henner got fired for her decisions to be on the segment (where she continuously talked) and not knowing that there was a payment plan.  The irony is that Carol Alt & Marilu Henner both have done multiple stints on QVC, yet both of them never had heard of a payment plan.  Idiots!  They actually had experience and STILL lost!  And once again, the team that should have won, lost, and I'm pretty sure they edited the show to make it look like they were winning.
>  Friday February 22nd, 2008  <   "child being punished: "WAAAAAAAH I don't WANT to watch 'Two and a Half Men' !!!!""

Well the Florida Marlins finally got their first stadium deal done: The Miami-Dade County commission voted 9-3 to approve the Florida Marlins' stadium plan, which would use about $360 million in public funding towards a $525 million stadium. With the Miami city commission having approved the plan earlier yesterday.

I'm actually quite surprised this actually happened, I didn't think so many would vote 'yes'.  Had this actually failed in the end, the Marlins would probably be sold to MLB, and then possibly placed in various foreign cities during the season (like say, Mexico City, Puerto Rico, Montreal, etc).  Well now MLB is now spared of that, and in 2011, the Miami Marlins will have a brand new baseball-only stadium so 3,000 of their fans can show up that summer.
>  Saturday February 23rd, 2008  <   "."

Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why?
>  Sunday February 24th, 2008  <   "Oh shit, I just plagiarized myself!"

Last night Saturday Night Live returned with its first live show since November, and with Tina Fey hosting, it sucked.  Carrie Underwood also sucked as a musical guest.  The whole show came off as an obnoxious Fey lovefest, with the Cold Opening lasting way too long at 8 minutes, and Weekend Update felt like it was 12 minutes and too long.  New cast member Casey Rose Wilson did her unflattering impression of Rachael Ray during the Celebrity Apprentice sketch, which was excellent. 

Well Spring Training has started, and surprise surprise, The San Francisco Giants camp for the first time since 1992, everyone is happy.  Very few media, the players are extremely optimistic even tho they know they'll finish in last place with good reason.  But god damn it, the players are happy in their own skin again!  Finally the light at the end of the tunnel has come out and is shining on everyone.  Probably has something to do with some dominate asshole not being there.  Speaking of that asshole, apparently the rumor is that no team will sign that asshole.  Imagine that.  A personality so potent that no team wants him (the Asshole).

In the Cincinnati Reds camp, new manager Dusty Baker asked everyone their birthdays, and lined them up in a row from oldest to youngest.  He will fill out the lineup card starting with the oldest hitter batting 1st, as the oldest pitcher being the #1 starter, and so on.  This will be the first time Ken Griffey Jr. will leadoff. 

It was also funny noting Bill James recently did a report on shortstops in the American League, and of course the subject of the New York Yankees came up.  Apparently, the Yankees have the absolute worst shortstop in the majors (even worse than Juan Uribe some how) and the best shortstop in the majors playing out of position at 3rd.  Wow that's like, the understatement in the history of MLB. 

Ok this is getting really absurd.  The Chicago Board Options Exchange are going to sponsor the Cubs leftfield bullpen and the 70 new premium seats between the 3rd base dugout and the bullpen.  These seats are going to be auctioned off about 2 weeks before the game, thus trying to capitalize on maximum revenue.  I really don't like the idea of teams auctioning off seats, especially when there's no limit.  Of course, this could bite them in the ass if the team starts sucking.  But the real question is the new seats are going where the media pit crew was.  Where are they going to go?  Management issued a statement saying, "They can go fuck a fork with themselves.".  My, what times we live in during these high-stress pre-salary cap times.

Apparently some jackass football writer on the Chicago Tribune (David Haugh) thinks that the Chicago Bears should throw more money at Brian Urlacher's old arthritic back because of his "meager" 9-year $57 million salary with a $13 million bonus.  Just because a team has some salary cap room and suddenly is in a rebuiding mode, it is by no means to suddenly start pissing away money just because his contract is really good value in today's market.  Why don't you spend the money on improving your fucking O-Line who SUCKS and get some receivers who can catch the ball or maybe a quarterback that can stay healthy???  It's bullshit when NFL players start bitching for a new contract in the middle of a contract.  You signed your name, honor thy deal, asshole! 

What will $550 million get you these days?  Half ownership of the Miami Dolphins.  The question is, "why would anyone want to own half of the Dolphins?"

Dolph Rudager has just declared that the Untitled Daily Column Project is the best blog there is in a statement:

"I declare the Untitled Daily Column Project as the best blog there is.  * * * * * - 5 stars" ~ Dolph Rudager
2005 Beer League Standings
ESPN Division
                         W   L      PCT      GB
Montreal            12   3     .800       0.0
Cincinnati            8   8     .500       4.5
>  Monday February 25th, 2008  <   "Hate Brother John Fogerty Records Inc."

Ah, season 2005 in the Rob Deer Season of High Heat Baseball, 15 games in, and the Cincinnati Reds make a managerial change at a 7-8 record by hiring Dusty Baker to manage, and immediately the 10 youngest players in Class A get cut, and well as the 10 youngest players in Class AA & AAA & the Majors got demoted.  Dusty then went out and signed the oldest Free Agents on the market, despite having some really good young starters.  The lineup card and bullpen was revamped.  Then Dusty asked them all to line up by age from oldest to young, and then their spot would be determined accordingly, and last name was used aphabetically to seperate dulplicates (since the game has no birthdays).  The starting line up:
Starting Lineup:
Benjamin, Mike
Karros, Eric
Vaughn, Mo
Santangelo, F.P.
Taubensee, Eddie
Griffey Jr., Ken
Lewis, Mark
Fordyce, Brook
PITCHER SLOT

Bench:
Tucker, Michael
Greene, Willie
Reese, Pokey
Young, Dmitri
Casey, Sean
Harris, Kent
Starting rotation:
Harnisch, Pete
Trombley, Mike
Veres, Dave
Wendell, Turk
Parris, Steve

Bullpen:
Johns, Doug
Jones, Doug
Neagle, Denny
Villone, Ron
Sullivan, Scott

Closer:
White, Gabe
Age:
39
37
37
37
36
35
35
35
-

AGE:
34
33
32
31
30
29
Age:
38
38
38
38
37

Age:
37
37
36
35
34

Age:
33
Position:
3B
1B
RF
LF
C
CF
SS
2B
P

Position
RF
3B
2B
LF
1B
RF
AVE :
.259
2/4
1/4
4/13
2/9
.403
1/4
1/4
-

AVE:
.333
.200
.265
.293
.354
.333
W-L:
2-0
0-0
0-0
0-0
1-0

W-L:
0-0
0-0
0-0
2-1
1-1

W-L:
0-1
ERA:
5.48
0.00
0.00
0.00
1.37

ERA:
0.00
0.00
3.00
4.15
7.71

ERA:
4.50
IP:
23.0
.0
.0
.0
19.2

IP:
.0
.0
18.0
17.1
7.0

IP:
4.0
RBI:
7
2
0
3
1
24
0
0
0

RBI:
7
12
4
10
15
1
AB:
54
4
4
13
9
67
8
4
0

AB:
54
65
68
58
65
2
Judging by those stats, the man *really* clearly knows how to handle a team and knows what's best for it.  Somehow Brook Fordyce, a catcher,  got the nod to play at 2nd base despite a somewhat productive Pokey Reese, but whatever.  Judging by the bench, most of the starters got benched.  Unfortunately, the team won in its first game with Dusty 7-6 after a 5-run bottom of the 8th inning rally at Riverfront Stadium in spite of all good judgement.  Dusty kept Pete Harnisch in the game for a whole 8 innings, 10 hits 6 ER until he literally couldn't throw anymore.  Attaboy, Dusty!  You know what's best!
HR:
1
1
0
1
0
13
0
0
0

HR:
4
3
0
6
4
1
>  Tuesday February 26th, 2008  <   "I wouldn't have it any other way, 'cause you make me money!"

Well this isn't working the way I hoped.  Suddenly the new 2005 Cincinnati Reds are on a 4-game winning streak.  They are now 11-8 and 3.5 games behind 1st place Montreal Expos 14-4.  It took another 5-run 8th inning rally to be Philly 13-11 in spite of putting out old men like Doug Jones who clearly can't get anybody and letting him give up like 4 runs before his spot in the batting order came up.  Of course Dusty doesn't believe in double switches, because they might mean someone younger would be replacing a veteran.

Dusty: "I don't want to get off my fucking ass, yo'."

Then somehow, the pitching staff held it together and only gave up 3 runs to the weak-ass Mets in pitcher friendly Shea, and then inexplicably, somehow actually won another game at Shea with a 2-0 shutout, tho with Turk Wendell just BARELY getting through 4 innings, let alone 5.  I think Wendell had like 88 pitches by the 4th inning, but don't tell Dusty 'cause he wouldn't care.  He never cares. 

And there's already been some roster changes.  31-year old Kent Harris was demoted to AAA to make way for our new 2nd baseman, recently released shortstop 37-year old Gary DiSarcina, sending 35 year old catcher Brook Fordyce to the bench after an interesting bout of 2nd base, where he booted several groundballs.  The Reds, mostly Dusty, has his eyes on recently released free agent 39-year old Jeff Conine, one of the original Florida Marlins. 

Dusty: **while salivating** "I wanna get that boy in the boat!!"

Um, okay, whatever that Old Man Talk means.
>  Wednesday February 27th, 2008  <   "That's a pothole I could bury my parent in."

Some 9-year old Australian girl was notified by her junior club team that she can no longer compete in tournaments because her on-court grunting has become a distraction to opponents.  She says she "can't play her best tennis without doing it".

Well, as a former grunting and screaming style tennis player, I have to agree with the banning.  It's against the rules to be making loud distractions during play.  And quite frankly, it's annoying.  I remember back in the day, I would scream and fall apart over the littlest things; screaming stuff oh "OH GOD DAMN FUCKING GOD DAMN IT FUCKERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!" and such, and scream to the point of my heart's content.  I remember people screaming, "Hey, there's kids playing on these courts!" but that only made me yell louder.  But now I realize that just wastes energy and when you're part of the Establishment, you have to lay down the law and step in line.   We're not afraid to shoot you in the leg.
>  Thursday February 28th, 2008  <   "Why don't you go fuck a fork, eh!!"

Tonight on the Apprentice.... okay.... Task...Dial Soap...Redbook magazine... create 4-page photo advertisement layout on new bodywash product.  More graphic arts shit.  Tito vs Carol.  3 vs 4.  And apparently Team Empresario is going with Trace Adkins again, using his half naked body to sell body soap, while Team Hydra decided to go with using Carol as the image.  Oh dear, she's against that because she doesn't want to get fired!  What a wuss!  And once again, Tito is a piss-poor project manager.  It's all Stephen Baldwin. 

And now there's conflict on Team Empresario, either go "safe" or "risky" with the 1st picture in the ad.  Hmmmm.  Just how old and crusty at all of Redbooks readers?  100% female.  Judging by the popularity of soap operas, apparently they like a little smut in their lives.  They find it "entertaining". 

Hmmm.... they didn't show either team working on the graphic arts design aspect of the project.  And man, Tito sure lacks speaking skills in presentation.  And Team Empresario went with "safe" unlike Team Hyrda who went all-out smut on page 4.  And thanks to editing techniques, looks like Team Empresario is going to lose.  And of course, that's never the case.  Winner!  Team Hydra!  Tito's going down.  And Omarosa is shooting her big mouth "Oh you can't intimidate me, Tito!  I'm not one of your fighters!"  And Tito is fired!  That was pretty easy.  Hahaha: Trump "He's very special!"  Special and a loser!
>  Friday February 29th, 2008  <   "Stop being so assholeic."

This is a parody of sorts of another song.  Tho I'll still probably get sued. ~Dolph Rudager

(Everywhere) Signs
By: D. Rudager

I went for a stroll, and I came across a sign.
The sign said, "Don't be a motherfucker."
So I went down to Police Station, to tell them about the sign...
I said, "Hey Policemen, 'Don't be a motherfucker, and I'm doing fine!' "

Signs! Signs!  Everywhere a sign!  Smacking my face, breaking my mind
Fuck this, Fuck that, damn, shit, did I tell you about the signnnnnnnn?

Many people, don't like a sign.
Who put that sign up there, and why?
Signs are put in place, to tell people things....
But I said "No god damn you, I won't recognize you, Signnnnnnnnnnn"

Signs! Signs!  Everywhere a sign!  Smacking my face, breaking my mind
hit this, hit that, fuck, shit, did I tell you about the signnnnnnnn?

The sign, the sign.
The sign, the sign.
The sign? the sign!

The sign said, "Don't read the sign."
So I went to the authorities, to complain about the sign,
I said, "Why'd you make such a sign, and how do you un-read a sign?"
He said "I didn't make up the sign" so I whinnnnnnnnnnnnned!

Signs! Signs!  Everywhere a sign!  Smacking my face, breaking my mind
hurt this, burn that, fuck, shit, did I tell you about the signnnnnnnn?

Fuck you!

Signs! Signs!  Everywhere a sign!

END
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