February 2006 - Untitled Daily Column Project

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/\ Monday August 1st, 2005 /\ "divide and conquer."

Day 20: 380. The Beatles - I Saw Her Standing There -- 417. The Beatles - Things We Said Today

I was watching an old episode of "Home Improvement" yesterday.

**Randy is hanging out with his girlfriend in the den, but decides to enter the Taylor kitchen where mother Jill is folding laundry**

Mother Jill (with slight Texas accent): "What's the matter, Randy, don't yew like yer cute
lil girrrrl frah�end over there?"

Randy: "But mommmmmmmmm, she doesn't have a penis!"

Tim enters from garage: "Hey who wants to do some lines in the hot rod?? Hahahahaha!"

Brad: "I have to go stand outside an' stand around an' wait while my hair grows longer."

Mark enters room: �I�m going to do something strange, like bark at a wall and marry a 40 year old woman.�

Jill: �Mark, what the hell�� **Mark exits front door**

Tim enters from the garage again: �Hey who wants to do some lines on the souped-up lawn mower�s new chrome finish?? Hahahahahaha!�

Brad re-enters from being outside: �Hey, I�m gonna go stand outside and look at the soccer ball an� think about how I�m going to college to play soccer an� nothing else.�

And then I changed the channel. And then I said to myself,

"there sure are a lot of lesbians in this auto insurance commercial."

-o-
Yesterday's results: $0. Today's result: $-5. Total results: $7.

/\ Tuesday August 2nd, 2005 /\ "sure what the fuck: "Howard Dean for President in '08."

Day 21: --

Two longhairs are headbanging while attending a rock concert. Suddenly they pause and actually listen to the music.

singer: "Swha-deeeeeeeeeeeeeettttttttt! Omga no dah, Blap gonda! Wet speed explooooooooooooooode!"

Two longhairs: **stare in disbelief**

singer: "Teee An Tee!" (arf...arf....arf...) Teen Fan Blee! (arf...arf...arf..) Tea Gland Pee! (arf....arf..) Mmmgah flower loaddddddd (arf..) speegah dooooooooooooo!"

longhair # 1: "hey, what the fuck are we doing at an AC/DC concert??"
longhair # 2: "man, we really fucked up big time!"

singer: **clears throat** **clears throat again** �speck-a-leeva-crew-winnabeg-shrump-ga-doooooo!� **loud music starts again & fans begin cheering loudly**

longhair # 2. "let's leave."

longhair # 1. "Wait! I heard this riff during a car commercial! Oh wait... that was for an Apple computer."

**longhairs leave.**

END

/\ Wednesday August 3rd, 2005 /\ "The Catania Diet: million$ in the making."

Day 22: --

Here is the infamous "most offensive thing I have ever written" script. Inspiration for this came from a scene I saw on "Everybody Loves Raymond" tonight, where I took an actual moment, and made it up from there. Those familiar with the show will get the subtle name references. I tested this out on a select loving group of people, and apparently it didn't shock any of them at all. I was trying to shock and be as offensive as possible, but to no avail. I sure have a lot of Liberal friends. But here it is anyway.

-o-

The Stalone family enters a church where a funeral of a distant relative is taking place.

Wife: "I still can't believe your mother isn't talking to you."

Raul: "I know, I mean, I should be higher than a pilot, but I�m not. oh there she is."
**approaches mother**

Raul: "hey mommmmmmmm, hey mommmmmmm, hey.. **mother walks away** �ok you walk away."

old man: **smugly walks up to Raul** "christ almighty should you give a rat's ass about your mother!"

Raul: **smiles** "hehehe eh fuck you."

old man: �What did you say?!�

Raul: **smiles** "fuck you!"

old man: �You can't talk to me that way!�

Raul: �Can�.. and did. "fuck...youuuuuuuuuuuuu!"

old man: �I outta box your ears!�

Raul: "fucccccccck youuuuuuuu!"

old man: �You can't do that!�

Raul: "oh fuck you, old man!"

old man: �I�m gonna stop you, Big Nose!�

Raul: **smiles** "Heh! Me first!" **punches old man in the nose**

old man: "what the hell!�

Raul: "Again!" **punches again** "I�ll break it 6 ways to Sunday! ..whatever that means."

old man: **winces with pain** "oooooh godddd" **face & hands become stained with blood**

Raul: "hahaha yeah!" **dances like a joker & claps**

old man: "You son of a bitch! I fought in WWII & Korea, man!"

Raul: "ooooo pawn in the war pig machine! You were just the Government's patsie....! Took it square in the ass like a woman! You wasted your time! Suckerrrrrrrrrrrr!"

old man: "I can't believe this!" **fuming mad as hell**

Raul: "That's riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! you know what I can't believe? I can't believe I haven't punched you a 3rd time!" **punch**

old man: "owwwwwwwwwww!" **falls to knees**

Raul: "soldier's don't crrrrrrrrry, soldier's don't crrrrrrrrry. Hahahaha!"

Raul�s wife: "what...the hell are you doing..." **watches**

Raul: "just stickin' it to the man."

Raul: **back to the old man** "War is stupid! War sucks! Nobody respects what you're doing! You're wasting our tax payer money! Stop wasting our money! Get over yourselves! Boooooooo!� where's our free oil?? You people make me sick! Go to hell! You people and your business destroy families and ruin lives! You ruined our lives! All of our lives!"

old man: "You got a lot of nerve...! how DARE you! How fucking DARE YOU!"

Raul: **mockingly starts flapping arms like a chicken** "Oh, "I need two fucking holidays to show how my stupid legs got shot off!" It�s you're own stupid god damn fault!"

old man: "god, boy... you're dead. DEAD!"

Raul: "war pig! oinnnnnnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!"

old man: "I put my life on the line for Pinko Commies like you!!!"

Raul: �Nobody respects what you did! Nobody cares, man. NOBODY! Suck it!"

old man: **to Raul�s mother** "Look what your piece of shit son did to me, Louise!"

Raul�s mother: "I see you, Hank." **turns around and looks the other way from Raul's presence**

Raul: "dead souls for nothing, man."

** Raul & wife walk away"

Raul�s wife: "I must say, I have never seen you act that way before! And I gotta be honest.. I�m extremely shocked! but I�m very impressed by the way you stood up to your father! And I find it rather sexy, roarrrr!" **grabs arm & begins groping it**

Raul: "eh whatever. I voted for Bush."

Raul & wife leave the room.

fade out

writer�s commentary:

Well we sure had a lot of good �ol fun writing this. If you�re writing for a sitcom, don�t be afraid to push across some offensive messages and horrible story lines, and downright blasphemous behavior that would land most people in jail or incite protests, because you can always use the last 10 seconds of the show to say �Just kidding!�

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<| Wednesday February 1st, 2006 |> "no i LOVE traffic! i love sitting there and being stuck!"

What "really" lead to the decay of American Society?

America, or "Americana" is in disarray. And no, this isn't entirely because of the politicians, so fuck off. I'm talking about we're lazier, fatter and cruder than ever.

I once read in some blog somewhere that was about Arby's, I think, and there was this old guy who said in the 1970s like, "the fast food industry will destroy this country. No longer will regions and people be cultured with local restaurants & banter", something like that. Maybe I'll eventually look up the exact quote, but all I remember from that day of tireless web searching was I was looking for images of road signs (for the UDCP logo) and found one that had the old Arby's like 15 foot cowboy hat sign.

No, I'm not going to include references or data to say "how much better yesteryear was" because that's painstaking and impossible to do, especially since I wasn't around for most of it.

So I've come up with a list of things that ruined us:

Pong the video game
Cable TV
Fox Network
Talk Shows
Internet
Credit Card Companies
Fast Food boom of the 1990s & 2000's.

Pong, the mother of all video games. The world was forever changed when electronic stimulation to consume time was invented. Board games are messy and very time consuming. It started a progression of better games with better graphics readily available. I have to say, I spent a lot of the late 80s to mid 90s playing video games, but that was usually in the winter, rainy days or the hottest days. Video games makes sitting on our asses and wasting time fun. Of course, the progression of ultra-violent bloodbath games isn't helping either, and I don't care what studies say: some whack-o out there is getting influenced by these games. Not saying we shouldn't have those kinds of games since most use it responsibly, but that's what happens when you introduce another evil into society.

Cable TV. Started in the late 70s, slowly gained popularity and boomed. While the content wasn't as bad or crude as it is today, this marked the death of a network-only nation. With more channels and pay-channels, people now had specific references to things not everyone had access to. I remember my classmates talking about shows and stuff I had never heard of because I was out of the cable tv loop. And it's even worse today. It's difficult to spout out catch phrases and quotes because likely, most people won't get them; thus never seeing the show because they had so many other things to watch.

Fox Network. Started in 1987 by Rudolph Murdoch, was the 4th network and the first new one in which was probably at least 40 years. Originally, it was very spotty and only on for select nights and times. While I wouldn't blame the decay of Americana on "Married with Children" because it was just a fun show for the first 4 years or so, it was the Simpsons Christmas Special in December of 1989 that just blew the fucking door off the status quo. There was never a cartoon like this before, with people swearing and smartassed kids. The show was a lot more drama-like when it came out, but as the years progressed, Homer became stupider and stupider and the show became a part of our culture. And oh ya, Fox put on a lot of crap that "no other network would touch because it's not for our demographic". Since then, everyone else except CBS has tried to become like Fox. And who's the # 1 network? CBS. But I would say, "Two and a Half Men" definitely would had been a Fox show back in the day.

Talk Shows. It all started in a WGN studio in the 1970s with the Phil Donahue show. You remember that white-haired four-eyed guy with the big black microphone? It became the cycle of putting real nut-cases on national TV. You can thank him for all of the Oprah, Regis, Rikki Lake, Morton Downey Jr, Jenny Jones, Maury Povich and Jerry Springer's out there. Shows just got stupider and stupider. I think Jerry Springer's show is the biggest piece of shit ever to disgrace TV land. You might as well put a cock fight on television. Those freaks have no business being on tv. Do you have a favorite talk show? I sure as hell don't. And I'm sorry I wasted so many hours watching them.

The Internet. By the time it reached the general public in early 90s or so, it was a haven for nerds and porno lovers. Once the internet could be accessed by phone jack & software got more advanced & websites were made & "free hours" CD's came in the mail on an almost daily basis, that's when it took off. Like most things, the suckers who had it in the early years paid big money to use it got the chore of funding it, which is why until it was like $20 a month is when the boom finally happened. Now we talk content. The internet is a land of smut. I always wonder how much differently I'd be if I had access to free porn at the age of 6. Unless you found your parents pornography, getting porn was god damn near impossible. And websites like this one, do nothing for your intellect and just fill your head with feces. I like doing that. And the internet has done a lot of bad things for bad people, and makes it that much easier. Yeah there's good, but there's just so much shit in the way to get to it. And you have to be up informed on the basics otherwise you're screwed.

I don't know how or why it happened, but the 1990s saw a boom in the fast food industry. You drive around town, and about 60% of the places were built in the 1990s, at least it is around here. But almost every town in the country with a population saw somebody come in. When you build a restaurant, people will come to the restaurant. And when you're a fast food restaurant, you serve garbage....the people will eat garbage. The more readily available it is, the more people will eat it. People get hungry. "Let's see, it's lunch time, what would I rather have, a cold crappy peanut butter sandwich that's I've been eating forever, or a hot, juicy one-of-its-kind roast beef sandwich with curly fries and soda?" It doesn't take a Sherlock to figure out which one they'll pick. Who the hell wants to eat Ramen noodles when you can get a .99 cent double cheeseburger? And most people are weak and undisciplined when it comes to food, and cooking is a bitch. We're Americans....we've got bad habits and we're stupid.

Now, all of these things contribute. But probably the most, I think, is the natural progression of wages & disposable income. Back when I was a kid in the 1980s, kids didn't have credit cards or loads of cash to blow on shit. The natural progression enabled younger and younger people to be influenced by products, which are all put out for profitability and zero responsibility. When I went to high school, it was school / hell, not a fucking fashion show like it is today. I'm telling you one thing: my kids will never have access to their bank accounts until they're 18. Prom is stupid, so they shouldn't go to that. Driving under 18 is just stupid and a huge waste of money. I saved over $1600 by waiting to start driving (tho I did practice, which every young driver needs to do a lot), and that was back when gas was .89 cents a gallon. Yeah, you Insurance companies don't like that, do ya, fuckers! Plus kids today have a lot of access to advantages I never had. Call me a bastard, but the less access kids have to things, the less chance of a bad influence or materialistic they'll be.

And of course, there's Hollywood and the Music Industry, which got really violent. Yes, they share the blame too. But which one of presented examples is the most responsible?

<| Wednesday February 8th, 2006 |> "Let our libraries die"

Where have I been? Jail. Feeling a bit more angry than usual, I got into a shoving match at a supermarket with some stupid woman who couldn't control her bratty children. She had fucking $300 worth of groceries, had like 20 coupons, and inexplicably, decided to do her bank transactions at the cash register!! After some confrontation, expletives were exchanged, eventually I went after the groceries and started poking and squeezing then, that eventually led to me trashing the store, while kicking and smacking the stupid woman. Security came and I was escorted to a police car where I was taken to the station, and jailed.

Oh man what a story. If only it were true.

<| Tuesday February 7th, 2006 |> "nothing like ruining it for everybody else."

Even the Losers
(a Tom Petty parody)
By D. Rudager

Desalinate, and a round of poop
we rolled cigarettes and hit on the poon
I cuffed when you talked about leprosy...
slumping around, talkin' 'bout your spleeeeeen

Being in town sucked n' saw the Ex; made my skin peel
and she still had a voice that would make a pig squeal
I said, "you know about the colors purple and green?"
You go "no." and then you go and think about weeeeeeeeed...

Baby even the losers... have to die sometime
Even the losers...make records sometimes
They steal things sometimes

Buying broken parts, for a well-running car
Saying things we shouldn't and lungs full of tar
First forking forge above the crescent roll I've ever seen
You punctured me for stealing the dirty magazine

Baby even the losers...procreate sometimes
Even the losers.... arrive on time
They get to bleed sometimes

Baby even the losers... have to die sometime
Even the losers...cheat at cards
They get tax breaks sometimes

Baby even the losers... have to die sometime
Even the losers... get beaten sometimes

Even the losers get shot sometimes
Even the losers get stabbed sometimes
Even the losers get away sometimes

END

<| Monday February 6th, 2006 |> "yeah, this diet food makes you shit! Shit your fattiness away!"

No, I didn't watch the Super Bowl. In fact, I don't even know who won! So how did I do it? Well, I avoided all network channels, newspapers, radios and internet sites. And I don't give a shit about $2.4 million dollar commercials. Oh, and if you needed a reason to boycott the Super Bowl, other that it obviously being football, the Super Bowl was in Detroit at Ford Field, which of course, Ford recently laid off 30,000 workers. That's pretty crummy when you're celebrating a game & getting a boatload of money and worldwide exposure.

Plus there is no way I could sit through a 5 hour event. I enjoyed watching Family Ties, Seinfeld and Family Guy more than I would have ever enjoyed the Super Bowl.

"You know you're not a football fan when somebody thinks a "Super Bowl" is something you smoke."

<| Sunday February 5th, 2006 |> "there's no law that says clocks have to keep accurate time"

why is it on tv, that when people hold a magazine / book, they turn the pages backward instead of forward? I mean, instead of turning to page 36, they turn to page 34 & not page 38. maybe it's a reverse camera thing, but why are they turning the pages backward? I don't get stuff like that.

-o-

Voice: "How would you get rid of pollution?"

Female contestant: "Well! I'd package it up and ship it to another town who we would pay to take it so they could play with it!"

Voice: "Incredible!"

<| Saturday February 4th, 2006 |> "You donated $42 million? Why not $43 million??!"

Hold 'em poker tips:

always fold when you have an Ace / King. You will never win with it, and it's always a trap for a devastating loss.

intentionally play poorly at times. Nothing confuses people more than stupid playing. intentional botch.

bluff loudly and often. Often shout out "shit!" or "woo hoo!" or "i got a pair of 8's!" or "oh come on!" when you actually have a good hand. Also engage in loud banter to distract and annoy people.

Disrespect your opponent. They are the enemy. Use vulgarity and be especially disrespectful to females.

Never, ever fold. who knows where a 2 / 7 will get you!

Have a friend in the establishment, and occasionally have the friend call you on the cell phone, and engage in convos, and have the friend walk by and peek at your opponents cards and transfer the info back to you. Of course, this only works if people hold the cards in their hands.

That is all for now.

<| Friday February 3rd, 2006 |> "got me....a stick of gum"

So what have we learned? 2006 is the year of the Burrito.

The NFL has learned never to put another Super Bowl in Detroit. All was well for most of the winter, with almost no snow and mild temps, very unusual for Detroit. Then the shit hit the fan. Blizzard! They're predicting 8" or more inches of snow Saturday & Sunday. Hahaha! We've also learned that the NFL is considering settling on a permanent Super Bowl site, quoted, "We're not going to play the game all over the country." I think this is the NFL's little back door man-way of using Los Angeles. Makes sense, tho. Get people in the Coliseum, which holds like 93,000.. fairly dependable winter weather and a big city to party in. Probably the only reason why the NFL put teams in Arizona, Jacksonville & Tampa was so they host Super Bowls.

We have also learned, that finally� the Thanksgiving night game will finally be rotated to other cities with other teams. Like I said before, it's nauseating watching the Cowboys play in that awful stadium on fake turf. Funny how a few bad seasons in Dallas resulted in this. This will piss off a lot of Cowboy fans.

The NFL is in the process of potentially ruining itself. With the collective bargaining agreement expires after the 2007 season, with no salary cap. And there's a chance it'll stay away permanently. And we all know what no salary cap leads to: the richest teams always in the playoffs, small market teams rot, and strikes. The current system is the envy of all other pro sports owners, with the exception of Steinbrenner, of course.

<| Saturday February 2nd, 2006 |> "Kiss the Leper"

I am going to declare 2006 as The Year of the Burrito.

Yes, after eating another delicious steak burrito, it must be done. This is my first full year of eating "real" burritos. Now, I'm not talking about those shitty ones from Taco Hell. And especially not the ones that I was exposed to while growing up.. those absolute shitty burritos that you get at gas stations in the bright red or orange wrapper, and have that lard & bloody meat in it, and has a casing like a Hot Pocket. How anyone could eat that shit is a mystery to me. So naturally, I was turned off by burritos.

That all changed when Timothy Bohus and I made a trip to a local mexican restaurant. I don't know why or when it was in 2005, but I order a burrito, which was like the size of a football. I had never tasted anything so fresh in my life. Then again, I've eaten mostly crap in my life. I never had something with steak, lettuce, tomatoes, refried beans and cheese (and sometimes sour cream) together. Of course, I was raised with homemade mexican food that tasted acidity like stomach acid. You know that taste when you belch and something comes up? It's like that. Plus the tortilla part was always mushy as hell and that's never good. So basically, I steered away from mexican food.

So then, people. Instead of getting a stupid burger from McDeth, or a pizza (which you should be eating!!!) or chicken or some greasy fast food, go down and get a big burrito. And always have chips and salsa on hand. Do it or else.

Sponsored by the National Burrito Council.

<| Friday February 10th, 2006 |> "I just took a dump like a Frenchman."

Sneaky, sneaky sneaky. Sporrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrts! Well apparently there was more to the Cubs bleacher renovations than previously thought. The "Hitter's Backdrop Restaurant" apparently will hold 75 to 100 fans, and bleacher seat buyers will not be allowed in the restaurant at all, as opposed to the original plan was "so the average fan to see baseball thru tinted glass." Whoop dee fucking do.

Apparently the "knothole" space in right field where a big solid metal gate was will not be an open space so people on Sheffield Ave. can take a peek of the game was designed to "give something back" to the fans. Apparently the Cubs organization didn't like this, and are going to put up a wind screen over the knothole's eventually chain link fence on game days. If you recall, in 2002, the Cubs did the same thing on the bleacher chain link fence, saying "it was to protect us from terrorists." Incredible. The real reason was to block the view of the people with the rooftop bleachers who were making like $50 to $100 a head. So the Cubs sued them, or at least wanted to, and eventually bought out some & make over $2 mil a season from some rooftops.

Incredible that the Cubs have to lie so much to the people to get anything done. The Cubs want more night games but the neighborhood doesn't, and the Cubs say "it'll be fine, you don't need more police" and of course, they do.

Finally, there will be right field "box" bleacher seats. Yeah. It'll be a bench with a back on it. So for that, that same seat that cost $4.25 in 1989, will now cost you $60, twenty more than the rest of the bleacher seats, as of the moment. The price could go up. Only a sucker would pay $60 for a bleacher seat to watch an inferior team coming off a losing season.

You can thank all the stupid idiot Cubs fans who decided that seats 340'+ away from home plate as the "hottest ticket in town". You ruined it for everyone else, and now the Tribune Company is giving it to you in the ass because of it. Oh, and you can bet that if they could, the Tribune Company would blow up Wrigley Field and replace it with a 80,000 seat stadium with like 1,000 luxury boxes, play all 81 games as night games, a retractable dome so it could host the Olympics & the Super Bowl, and sell the naming rights for $500 million so it could "stay competitive" with the rest of the teams. You don't need more money, you need smarter people and better players and a better manager.

<| Thursday February 9th, 2006 |> "ain't got jack under the hood."

Sporrrrrrrrrrrrts! On the heels of the last new Family Guy episode where "Peter Griffin met Tom Brady & plays for the New England Patriots / Stewie shoots Brian in the knees for not paying his gambling wager", comes with the Great One Wayne Gretzky�s wife as the ringleader of a gambling operation. That's naughty! You did a bad thing, Mrs. Gretzky!

Brian: **steps out of shower, shakes, puts collar back on, wraps towel around waist, walks & opens bathroom door & is surprised to see Stewie standing in the door way** "Stewie. Uh�hey." Stewie: "Hey there. So ah, It's been 24 hours, got my money?"
Brian: "Uhhhhhh just give me �til next Friday, I'll have it for ya."
Stewie: "Oh. Oh that's funny, I could've sworn I said "have it today."
Brian: "Yeah I don't have it, sorry."
Stewie: "Oh, That's all right, then." **drinks up his glass of orange juice** "Mmmm that's good OJ." **smashes glass on Brian's head; blood trickling down**
Brian: "Owwwwww! Owwwwww!
Stewie: "Does that hurt?!"
Brian: "Owwwww!
Stewie: " Does that hurt?!"
Brian: "What the hell!"
Stewie: "Hurt?! Feels good does it? no, eh?" **begins kicking and punching Brian**
Brian: "Owwwwwww!"
Stewie: "Yeah, that's what happens, man!"
Brian: "Oh my god!"
Stewie: "Yeah That's what happens."
Brian: "Owww! Oww! Oww! Owww! Owww! Owww!"
Stewie: **still punching and kicking** "You gonna give me my money??! Where's my money, man!"
Brian: "Owwwwww!"
Stewie: **rips towel rack off wall & hits Brian on head with it** "Where's the money?? Do you like that?? Does that feel good?? That feel good?" **drags Brian by the collar and plunges his head in the toilet**
Brian: "Owwwwww!"
Stewie: **goes back to kicking and punching Brian** "Where's the money, man?! Where's the money!"
Brian: **finally collapses on the floor and coughs up toilet water** "Ahhh! Cough!" **pants**
Stewie: "You got till FIVE O'CLOCK! You hear me?? You got till FIVE O'CLOCK!"
Brian: "You're a freaking psychopath!!!"
Stewie: **throws towel on Brian's bleeding nose & walks away** "Oh go clean yourself up."

A newspaper reported that Mrs. Gretzky had betted $500,000 in the past 6 weeks, including $75,000 on the Super Bowl, including a won $5,000 bet that the Seahawks would win the coin toss. Looks like Mrs. Gretzky did the bad idea and picked the Seahawks to win!

Brian: **walks out of bedroom door upstairs, stops & sees Stewie using a putter and some golf balls in the hallway** "Ahup!" **goes back in and puts on a fake mustache & walks past Stewie** "Mornin'!"
Stewie: "Good day to you, Sir!" **looks up** "Wait a minute! What the hell!"
Brian: **begins running** "Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!"
Stewie: **kicks Brian down the stairs**
Brian: **tumbles** "Ahhh! Ahhh Ahhhhh! Ohhhhh. Owww, oh."
Stewie: **begins smashing his putter on Brian's head repeatedly**
Brian: "Owwwwww!"
Stewie: "Getting REAL TIRED of you duckin' me, man!"
Brian: "Oh my god!"
Stewie: "Yeah."
Brian: "Owwww!"
Stewie: "Yeah."
Brian: "Owww!"
Stewie: **starts smashing Brian everywhere with the putter, while taking out some frangible accessories at the entertainment center** "Real tired."
Brian: "Owwwww! Owwwww! Owwwwww!"
Stewie: "Where's the money?! Where's my money!"
Brian: "Owww! Owww!"
Stewie: **sticks putter in Brian's mouth; hoisting his head up** "You got money to pay for fake mustaches, eh? Yeah, huh?! How much did you pay for that fake mustache?"
Brian: "$2.99!"
Stewie: **shoots Brian in the right knee with a gun**
Brian: **writhes in pain** "Owwwwwwwwwwwww! Owwwwww! Oww, oww! Listen, you just gotta give me more time!"
Stewie: **shoots Brian in the left knee**
Brian: "Owwwwwww!"
Stewie: "Don't make a fool out of me, man!" **begins pistol whipping Brian** "Don't make a fool out of me! I want my money!"
Brian: "Owww! Owww! Owwww! Owwww!"
Stewie: "I want my money, man!"
Brian: "Stewie, listen! This is crazy! You got.. OH MY GOD!"
Stewie: **shoots fire from a flame thrower at Brian, setting him completely on fire**
Brian: "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" **fire extinguishes, lying on back; white fur burned to a grey** "Alright let's go to the bank."

Yeah, there's nothing sexier than a female compulsive gambler. Oh wait, it's not. So ya, Mrs. Gretzky is going to be in a lot of trouble! Speaking of Vegas, apparently when the '07 NBA All-Star game is played there, the game will be "off the boards". Also, apparently hockey isn't well respected in the gambling community, since it only accounts for 2% of all betting. It's too bad the Great One is getting hassled by the media for this, but I guess sometimes people end up marrying a bad seed. It happens.

<| Tuesday February 14th, 2006 |> "if I got a nickel for every dime I had..I'd be half as richer."

Ya, more shit.

Employer: "Why should we hire you?"

Me: "cause I saw you screwing your secretary, and I have the pictures to prove it" **bluffing**

Employer: "you're hired!� **handshake**

-o-

Employer: "Why should we hire you? You got a gun so you'd shoot up the place??"

Me: "Hell no! I don't own a gun!"

Employer: "Prove it!!"

Me: �Youll just have to trust me!!"

Employer: "you're hired!" **handshake**

-o-

Employer: "Why should we hire you?"

Me: "Because I know you're gay and I'll spread the word."

Employer: "Not hired!"

-o-

Employer: "Why should we hire you?"

Me: "I own and operate a successful cockfighting ring"

Employer: "you're hired! Put me down for $40!" **High-fives**

-o-

Employer: "Why should we hire you? "

Me: "uh, what?"

Employer: "you're hired!" **handshake**

-o-

Employer: "Why should we hire you? "

Me: "You shouldnt."

Employer: "you're hired!" **big hug**

<| Monday February 13th, 2006 |> "Hey honey, how about a bacon & cheddar smoothie?"

In what is a never-ending bit, is called "Doing the Bad Idea job interview".

Employer: "Why should we hire you? "

Me: "I want it so some day I can be in your position to prevent people like ME from getting hired! Yeah, and some day, I'll take over and be the KING of the company!"

Employer: "you're hired!" **handshake**

-o-

Employer: "Why should we hire you? "

Me: "hey, I got bills god damn it. And if I don't pay them, my credit rating goes to shit and I'll starve to death. What more fucking reason do you NEED? "

Employer: "you're hired!" **handshake**

-o-

Employer: "why should we hire you? "

Me: �I once saw a bus go by.�

Employer: �you�re hired!� **handshake**

-o-

Employer: "why SHOULDN�T we hire you? "

Me: "well let's see, there's...."

Employer: "You're hired!" **handshake**

-o-

Employer: "Why should we hire you? "

Me: "Fuck YOU, asshole!"

Employer: "youre hired!" **handshake**

<| Sunday February 12th, 2006 |> "Being a hippie don't pay for its self."

"I just wrote another extremely gross limerick."

Yeah, that'll strike fear in people's hearts. I was listening to a very early 60s Beatles song with Lennon on lead vocal, and of course, this came to me:

"girl, i got poop comin' out of my ass because of you!"
and then you say, "no, it's because you ate something!" as you run away
and girl, i say "oh yeah yeah yeah yeah!"

Tho back in the day, it probably would had been "ghurl, I gah poop comin' outta me arse cos of yew," but that just doesn't sound as cool or sexy.

Speaking of the Beatles, for some reason, out of all their albums and CDs, I least enjoy the "Help!" album. While I have bad memories of buying it, a day I decided to do the �bad idea' and go to Best Buy like 8 days before Xmas & on a Saturday morning. My reward was standing in line for 2 hours. I remember finally arriving home, sitting on my bed, popping it into my portable CD player and listening to all 14 two-minute songs.

This album contains two of the most over-played Beatles songs, "Help" and "Yesterday". The only songs I still enjoy are "You've Got To Hide Your Love Away" and "It's Only Love". The rest, is crap. "The Night Before", "I Need You", "Another Girl", "You're Going To Lose That Girl", "Ticket To Ride" and "Act Naturally" all sound like cheesy, corny movie songs, as which most of them were for the movie. "You Like Me Too Much" is lame, "Tell Me What You See" reminds me of Nintendo music, "I've Just Seen A Face" reminds me of bluegrass redneck music, and "Dizzy Miss Lizzie" is just a loud mess.

This was of course the Beatles last "pop" album, all considered that corny "oldies" shit with horrible typical mid 60s pop riffs and � things which annoys thehell out of me.

<| Saturday February 11th, 2006 |> "I'm free...to chew on the fat... I'm free...to eat my bacon steak."

Arby's & fishnets. In the latest in the world of Arby's commercials, we find a stupid and dim-witted sports fan football jersey-wearing husband (whoooo! Go sports! Woof! Sports rule, man! Grunt!) getting called upstairs from his beloved television to see his slutty wife show off her new fishnet stockings. And of course, he's instantly reminded of Arby's annual February promotion of two fish sandwiches for $4 and tells his wife to "get dressed and get in the car." I've had this sandwich before. It's a big-ass piece of processed fish. But it's nothing special. It's warehouse food. You know what that is? Of course you do. Cheaply-made generic "food" that companies buy & deep fry for us. You know, they make it, stuff it with some filler, mystery meat, newspaper, glass, whatevers lying around, batter it & freeze it, sell it cheaply to companies and over-charge us 10 times what it really costs.
______________

High school Peggy (Hill) Platter's mom on Peggy's inability to cook while Peggy prepares then-bf Hank a V-day dinner: "Beef Wellington? Cherry Pie? Why don�t you build him a rocket ship!"

<| Wednesday February 15th, 2006 |> "That *is* a good deal! Too bad it's Dominos, tho."

You know what you don't see anymore?

Morning game shows other than the Price is Wrong, or dating game shows. Now we have news all morning, and soaps / judge shows in the afternoon. Not that you should watch day television anyway, but I remember when I was young & growing up, during the summer mornings I had all these card & scrabble games on TV to entertain me. "Card Shark" had to be the greatest & lamest game show ever. The whole game was guessing either higher or lower than the previous gigantic card. There might had been some trivia session before this, but I was too jacked up for the cards! "Higher!!" "no, Lower, lower!!" I remember it there was like 4 or 5 rounds of this, and each time the cash got bigger and bigger. I remember I used to play my own version of this. Yeah, I was deprived of porno as a child.

<| Friday February 17th, 2006 |> "ain't got jack under the hood."

Television commercial for Taco Sanchez's newest burrito.

Taco Sanchez: "Hey you people! Get down to Taco Sanchez's and try our new Nacho Cheese Burrito!" **cut to people in restaurant eating it** "It's FILLED with 20 ounces of our cheesiest, runniest pump-nacho cheese product and is wrapped around by a flour tortilla!"

Customer # 1 dining: **takes a bite and watches the nacho cheese squirt 10 feet**

Customer # 2 dining: **pleading to camera** "this damn thing doesn't hold together!! This is too hard to eat!"

One of the chefs in the kitchen: **hands up in air** "It's all over dee floor, mon!!!" **apron & work station covered in nacho cheese**

Cut to scene of parent & young kid eating a nacho cheese burrito, nacho cheese all over the kid�s shirt, face, hair, tray & mother�s purse. Kid: "This is stupid!"

Taco Sanchez: "So come on down here and give this new Nacho Cheese Burrito a try!"

Cut to white background w/ company logo. Voice screaming: "TACO SANCHEZ!!" **company logo rattles like a rattlesnake tail.**

END

<| Thursday February 16th, 2006 |> "I got a broken bone full of jive."

Time for cheese!

Ah yes, another day of have eaten cheese. This of course adds to my Cal Ripken Jr.-esque streak of eating some kind of cheese. I don't plan on this, it just happens! Like for example, I went to vile Booger King, in the mood for some "alledged" Jr. Whopper from the value menu at .99 cents. And of course, it wasn't there & I was disappointed, and stuck in the drive-thru, reluctantly ordered the cheapest thing I could find, which was a $1 crappy cheeseburger. You know, if you're not going to make a good burger, don't even bother making it at all. You know, I've really soured on BK, as well as Taco Hell, and I'm starting to think that the "why only get one good meal when I can get *two* crappy meals for the same price!" is a bit majestically flawed.

Oh ya. Came up with another idea. Cheese Nip cheese crackers (now with twice the cheese flavor, rightfully so) in a bowl, with random chips spread on with cheddar cheese spread, and microwaved for 45 seconds or so. Man, if you like crackers, then you'll love warmed up crackers. It's like eating it fresh off the line.

<| Saturday February 18th, 2006 |> "homeward bound.... when the children are screaming, and the walls are bleeding..."

Random quotes.

LUCKY (voiced by Tom Petty, on his failed band "Big Mountain Fudgecake"): "We're either ahead of our times or possibly way behind, stuck in some more classical time. But either way, us and our times aren't seeing eye to eye."

-o-

lead singer in a band, shouting lyrics: "I want moneyyyyyyyyy, so i can buy stuffffffffffff, i want more moneyyyyyyyyy, so i can buy more stufffffffffff, and buy stuff so i can buy more moneyyyyyyyyyyy!"

<| Tuesday February 21st, 2006 |> "I make it so you can never tell if I'm joking or not"

Well let's see. What have I declared about 2006?

2006 is the year of the burrito.
2006 is the year of Dr. Pepper for soda.
2006 is the year I'm no longer eating Taco Hell or Burger King's shitty cheeseburgers.
Winter of 2006 is the season of the beard.
2006 is the year where no longer shall I eat Kraft's crappy blue box mac n cheese. As if having the right extra cheese to prepare and add wasn't enough, have you tasted the noodles lately?? My god, the shittiest noodles out there!
2006 is the year where I'll experiment giving up milk & cheese, based on an article I read of some guy having given those up & his asthma symptoms & congestion cleared up. While it could be other factors like allergies or poor air quality that we have no idea of, it's something I'm willing to try.
2006 is the year of the breakdown where I finally tried & ate an Arby's Market Fresh product, but I did have a online coupon which led to a free sandwich, and it had roast beef in it, so I tried it. So I guess 2006 is the year of the acceptance of Arby's Market Fresh products.

So what was the year of 2005, looking back?

2005 was the year of giving up hot dogs, sausage except on a pizza, most french fries, ice cream, chocolate, cookies and excessive bacon.
2005 was the year of the sock. World Series Champion Chicago White Sox, that is.
Summer of 2005 was the season of G.I. Joe internet parodies, extremely hot temperatures & dry conditions, and very cold beer.
2005 was the year of the permanent "the Simpsons" boycott.

<| Monday February 20th, 2006 |> "Burger King: "whatever.""

I just don't understand it. How can someone play 87 hands of Texas Hold �Em poker, and only win 3 games??? Only two times did I wrongfully fold prematurely. How do I know? I wrote down every two cards I was dealt, and circled it afterwards if there was no way I could win, or an X through it if I would have won, and a box around it if I did win. I have never drawn so many circles in my life. I was only dealt a pair 3 times, and they were very low. I played for a couple of hours on a couple of tables, and out of the 700+ hands of mine & everyone else's combined, I saw only one Flush win the pot. I'm like, "what the fuck is going on here? What kind of fucked up dealing system do you have here???"

Basically, I lost most $3k of my money on small $10 big blind's. I had $6k, what's the big deal, right? Well I must had been pegged to suck like shit, because I dealt very poor cards. One example was a rare blind out, where we all (like 8 of us) put out like $50 in a few rounds of betting before ever seeing the flop. I had a pair of 2's, a rare pair for me, and I thought, "alright, I'll take a risk and hope for a 3rd one on the table. Our cards were exposed, and the flop came and there was my 2! I was so happy. I was actually in the game for once! So I go all-in, which at this point was like $660 of the $1k I had started with at the table. Keep in mind, there was no chance for a straight or a flush; odds wise anyway. Then some fucking asshole to my left had a fucking pair of Aces, but I was still winning with three 2's, which of course, then an Ace came up on the turn, and some other irrelevant card on the river. Some people had also gone all-in, some with a few K's, too. It was a huge pot. God damn it. Then inexplicably, on the very next hand, a pair of 8's came on the flop, and this same three-Ace asshole happened to also have a pair of 8's in his hand! Come on! 4 of a kind in Hold �Em with 9 people at a table?? Fuck YOU!

i DON'T want totalk about it.

<| Sunday February 19th, 2006 |> "constipated? ugly? fat? Maybe your gf is just a super freak!"

Here's one thing I never understood: how dogs were domesticated or bred. I mean, How many generations old is your dog's family history? And why is it that when dogs give birth, it's usually like between 3 to 6 or more puppies? And how did dogs somehow become �bred with hunting skills�? Did they have some Scientists in a chemical lab with magical chemicals that were pumped into a regular dog? And just how genetically pure are dogs? They have to be pretty inbred, figuring they've probably done it with their cousins or brothers & sisters at one point or another.

These are all puzzling questions. Which led me to believe why society today is so terrible: people with faulty genetics. Each generation combines more different genes than the previous, making for even more wacky genetics. I think maybe people today are more screwed up because perhaps like "maybe Ricky finally got great-great-great Crazy Uncle Hal's bipolar disorder", etc etc or something.

And what about the Moon landing? How did we "know" back in the '60s what kind of material & suit get-up we would need to walk on the moon? And how did we "know" a spaceship could actually land perfectly on the Moon's surface, when very well it could have sank under all that soft "moon sand" which when stepped on, left a deep imprint by a puny human? How the hell could we make a spaceship, land it on the Moon, and bring it back flawlessly, when we couldn't even make a fuel efficient car which got 5 miles to the gallon??? The Moon landing could have very well been faked. These are all very puzzling questions.

<| Wednesday February 22nd, 2006 |> " "Dear boss: you suck." ~me"

This is a topic I haven't discussed yet. What's the deal with these local newscasters always fraternizing during the news? It's like these people act like total jackasses. Don't smile at the camera with your phony laughs & your corny jokes like it's some kind of game. The news is serious, so present it in a professional way. It didn't always used to be this loose back in the day. Back in the day, you had angry old white men with thick black rimmed glasses smoking cigarettes or puffing on their pipes who actually had to memorize a script, and delivered the news in a way so in the end, you felt obligated to thank them for the privilege of watching the newscast.

Now it's all idiot yuppies trying do stand-up / side wise-cracks between stories, and say shit like "thanks for watching!" and spend like 2 minutes (in bits) promoting a piece that's only 30 seconds long / not even worth mentioning. Please, spare us all your corny fake banter and give it to us straight like the World News /CNN's do.

And finally, tomorrow's entry, which will be a song parody, has been sitting on the shelf since at least the baseball playoffs back in October, and while the lyrics could easily change each day, it's finally time to just put it down and see the light of day. The original song is (probably) my all-time favorite song and just too good not to make a fun version. And of course, bonus unused lyrics will be included, because well, why not? Maybe I left out a better version. Words in brackets ( [blahblah] ) are just for context purposes & not to be sung.

<| Thursday February 23rd, 2006 |>   "My new toothpaste tastes like house wall paint"

(kicking the) Black Dog
(a Led Zeppelin parody)
By Dolph Rudager

hey hey Maughn, I said the way you spoooool
[is] gonna make you fret, gonna make you sewwwww.

oh oh child, way you stake that thinnnnng
got a caREER in sign postinnnng!

hey hey ban-shee, when you make that scream,
greys my hair and ruptures my spleen

oh yeah. oh yeah, oh, OH, oh!
oh yeah. oh yeah, oh, OH, oh!

iiiiiiiiiii got a phone, but it don't bill
lost the battery, while drunk on some hill.

[French] Fries that lie, in yellow grease
all be free if i were Police.

Ah, ah. oh, AH ah, oh. uh AH ah oh, uh ah ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hey ba-by, oh ba-by, sleazy baby, HER CAR PLOWING THROUGH THE GARAGE DOOR NOW!
hey ba-by, oh ba-by, crazy baby, PUT THAT FRYING PAN DOWN NOW!

driving my car, killin' carelessly,
more food and more oil for me!

I got a plow, but it didn't snow
woman's got a loud streak i didn't know

oh yeah. oh yeah, oh, CRAWWW, ow!
oh yeah. oh yeah, oh, AHHHHHH, ah!

Oh, i got a turtle, but he don't fly
got a bowel that won't pass on by

a god damn you; and this wrong way,
screamin' in my car all the damn day

Ah, ah. oh, AH ah, oh. uh AH ah oh, uh ah ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

oooooooOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

**loud heavy bluesy guitar solo**

suck it.
scoop it.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh...
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh...

**loud heavy bluesy guitar fade-out**

END


Bonus lyrics / alternate verses / notes

* - bonus material. omitted / used in early versions

iiiiiiiiiii got a phone, but it don't bill
lost the battery; on some dynamite pills

hey hey ban-shee, when you make that scream,
my tiny shorts make a shiny cream

driving my car, killin' carelessly,
punching you, and punching she

iiii can feel the rage, coming on too well,
telling the French, to all go to hell.

a goo-bah dah, and a goo-bah fay,
screamin' in my car all the damn day

skib-bah do, skib-bah bay,
parking my car all day.

I got a plow, but ain�t got no snow
woman's got a loud streak i didn't know

* - a god damn you, and god damn this "way pay bay grey trey say ray hey lay may nay yay kay play spay spray"
screamin' in my car all the damn day

* - goin' too slow, need a push,
oh baby, I wanna trim your bush. / oh baby, you need to trim your bush

weird to find, sore to face
skinny 'ol woman puked on my place

sticky keyboard buttons, bad pink eye
in a great mood, but you're gonna die

i got a keyboard with sticky buttons
walkin' 'round town chewin' mutton

<| Saturday February 25th, 2006 |> "Buy this CD...or DIE!!!"

Some guys standing around in an alley.

Guy #1: **cough** **snort** **sniffforg** **wheeze**

Guy #2: "Trouble?"

Guy #1: **eh eh eh** **hackkkkkkkkkkkk** **wheeze** **cough cough** "blech."

Guy #2: "Trouble?"

Guy #1: **hacks up phlegm & spits** **snifffffffffffff** "Damn it!" **snifffffffff** **barely spits anything**

Guy #2: "Trouble?"

Guy #1: "Eh it's this damn congestion. It always seems like I got something clogging up the airways."

Guy #2: "Well why don't you take one of these amphetamines a.k.a. "greenies"?" **holds up pills container**

Guy #1: **pops some pills** **takes a deep breath; is very pleased** **lights a cigarette & smokes it** "Wow!! Look at me! It's like I'm smoking in high school again! Haha!"

END

<| Sunday February 26th, 2006 |> "let's go down to Mickey Dee's and clog up our art-er-ies!"

My desire is torn between the WBC sucking, hoping no White Sox players go and not being played, to opposing superstars going to play & getting injured in this stupid tournament.

Need clarification? This stupid tournament is going to take a toll on what is already a too long baseball season, by forcing pitchers to get ready over a month quicker than usual. This isn't a "toughness" issue, it's a physical issue. Pitchers pitch overwhelmingly better after a 4 day rest as opposed to a 3-day rest, hence why the 4-man rotation is dead, and pitchers get tired near the end of the season.

While having writer's block, I stumbled upon this after Sweden beat Finland in Olympic Hockey, which pretty much sums up my feelings for baseball's WBC. Imagine if this WBC thing was around years ago�. Ken Griffey Jr. would have never had an MLB career.

"Swedes win, while the NHL loses. By Steve Keating

TURIN (Reuters) - While Sweden celebrated a gold medal win over Nordic neighbors Finland in Olympic men's ice hockey it is unlikely Detroit Red Wings supporters were as excited.

Neither were fans of the Ottawa Senators, New York Rangers or Tampa Bay Lightning, who all saw their Stanley Cup dreams dented by the punishing Olympic tournament that may well signal the end of NHL participation in the Winter Games.

Henrik Zetterberg, Niklas Kronwall and Nicklas Lidstrom each had a goal as Sweden capped an unpredictable Olympic tournament with an unlikely 3-2 win over their archrivals from Finland just hours before Sunday's closing ceremonies.

But the three Swedes and Red Wings team mates will have little time to savor their accomplishment, heading directly back to Detroit where NHL action resumes on Tuesday.

Having crammed eight games into 12 days, the Olympic tournament exacted a heavy toll on several teams' Stanley Cup aspirations sending fatigued and injured players back to unhappy NHL teams.

The Czech Republic's outstanding netminder Dominik Hasek lasted just 10 minutes before exiting with a leg strain that is likely to keep him out of the Senators' lineup while the NHL's leading scorer Jaromir Jagr -- the Rangers' right wing -- also ended the tournament on the bench with an injury.

The same fate befell the Lightning's Pavel Kubina, a Czech defenceman who was injured in the bronze medal game and did not return to the ice.

Even before the Olympic tournament limped to its conclusion, the NHL said would not commit to participating in the Winter Games beyond the 2010 Vancouver Olympics.

"It is a dream to play in the Olympics. I just wish I could have been healthy and well-rested," said Finnish captain Saku Koivu. "It is something they might want to think about for Vancouver." "

<| Tuesday February 28th, 2006 |> "Headline: Pitcher proves worthlessness on mound"

Favorite Songs o' Moment.

Steppenwolf - The Pusher
Grateful Dead - Terrapin Station Part 1
Bob Dylan - One Too Many Mornings {live '66}
Cream - Spoonfull
Grateful Dead - Fire on the Mountain
Heart - Crazy On You
Santana - Samba Pa Ti
The White Stripes - Little Acorns

<| Monday February 27th, 2006 |> "Headline: Hitter shows he can strike out against lefties too"

Thank god this stupid Olympics shit is over. And of course, the US blew it where they were supposed to win. Plus ratings (the most important of all) are down 33%. Good, I say. You pre-empted our shows and now you pay. Good. Stupid bastard. Why don't you stick your lousy games on the Lifetime network or one of those shitty Mtv channels, eh?

Free counter

<| Friday February 24th, 2006 |> "Da-n-da-da-n-da, here I am...the only living boy in Chicago."

old man: frail, thinning white hair, glasses, sitting in chair in den with blanket over legs, fire place roaring; bookshelves covering the walls:

"I'm an old man now. spent my whole life going to school, getting one doctorate after another. I've seen a lot of things, written countless books, gotten a million paper cuts, went to millions of college parties, threw up every full moon, broke my neck a few times from doing beer keg stands, worked in every single building in town,..."

**turns to face camera from different angle**

I'm an old man. I've slept with a lot of ladies. I've done a lot of party drugs, joined a lot of Frats, beaten a lot of people up, trashed a lot of rooms, done a lot of pranks. Also bought a lot of textbooks, typewriters, computers and paper & have given a lot of speeches. A lot of people asked me, "when are you finally going to stop going to school & getting degrees & finally get out in the real world?" I always said, "when the time, economy & the degrees are right."

**turns back to face first camera angle**

"I am an old man. People sometimes asked me, "Don't you ever get sick of being a career student?" and I always retorted, "well do YOU ever get sick of breathing??" Learning a constant process and should never be compromised. Now, I'm old, I'm dying and my life's over, and I go to death without ever having a career & have hundred's of thousands of dollars of debt from student loanstudent loans. Suckers!"

**dies**
END