| > Wednesday December 31st 2008 < "Soccer is for those who can't throw, catch or shoot." |
| Food Review: "It was crap." A review from November 12, 2008. Arby's Texas Toast Double Cheese. It measured 4 1/4"ths x 3 3/4"ths and was 1 1/2" high. While that may seem impressive, it's mostly just airy, chewy bread that's neither crispy nor dense. The double cheese seemed like overkill, and judging by the Arby's ad, they put more roast beef on the plain & super than on this. One would have to hopefully assume this, because all 3 are in a combo of small fries and soda for $3.99. Even in the line of very questionable sesame seed buns that Arby's uses, those are still better than this, tho not better than the onion bun or the sub bread. I had it plain with no sauces, and it was pretty bland. It just tasted like roast beef with spiceless nacho cheese and plain bread. Tho depending on your preference of roast beefs, this just looks like another gimmick by Arby's that won't catch on, and it was a promotion that didn't last very long, either. It was crap, but judging by the other sandwiches, I got the most value by the ingredients. |
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| Your daily dose of the absurd. |
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| > Friday December 12th 2008 < "If Rachael Ray called you, wouldn't you cuss her out too?" Back from another brief extended break. A few changes have happened since then The Cubs got eliminated from the postseason in the 1st round without a win for the second year in a row. Way to go, Dodgers! Suffice to say, the Dodgers just shell-shocked the Cubs who weren't mentally prepared to play this series after phoning it in during an easy September. The only thing the Cubs hit in that playoff series was the water pipe in the clubhouse, which they got billed for. September also which saw the Sox season go right down to the wire and extended for a 163rd game. The White Sox faced 5 elimination games but finally lost after winning 4 in a row of those against the Tampa Ray Romanos in the ALDS. The Rays would eventually end up losing to the Red Sox, and the Red Sox who would end up losing to the Phillies, in one of the most poorly handled and bizarre World Series ever. Game 4 started on a Monday night, was played in the rain for 2 1/2 innings, and Selig refused to call the game until the Red Sox tied it, afraid people would crown the 3-0 Phillies champions in an official game (and technically Vegas did). Due to the cold and snow, continuing Game 4 didn't happen until Wednesday, when the Phillies won in which had to be the earliest World Series celebration at 9pm that I could ever recall. So apparently adding a cream alternate jersey was the key to winning the World Series. Perhaps the White Sox should go to do that for 2009. Speaking of which, Nick Swisher and his crazyass was traded to the Yankees after hitting a career low in a bandbox of a stadium, and fuckhead soft marshmallow choker Javy Vazquez was traded to the Braves. Good riddance to them and Joe Crede, stupid motherfucker. Thank god the Sox had the brains to sign Crede to a long-term deal like almost every Sox fan was screaming to do after the '05 World Series, but knowing Joe being the douchebag he is, thankfully they did not. I've got the feeling that I'm going to have to take some of the credit for this, because I was very vocal about being against Joe Crede, and for a long time he sucked, fielding was subpar, a lousy hitter who killed many rallies and developed into a degenerate injury-prone player. So long, Shithead Crede! FireJoeMorgan.com has ended! What the fuck?!!!! Joe Morgan isn't fired yet!!! Figures as soon as I find the site and it became this site's benchmark, it goes 404. How DARE you go offline! There's lots of incompetence in baseball to be reported! Sometime shortly after said-farce World Series, the baseball reference page was updated with 2008 stats. We don't discuss politics here, this is a happy / demented demented-happy place. September 2008 of the Untitled Daily Column Project is now archived. An additional blog has been appointed as subsidiary of the Untitled Daily Column Project, known as "MPizzablog". Eventually an icon will be made for this particular blog on top. Now that the blog has resumed, expect more of the same. |
| > Monday December 15th 2008 < "Ward: "You've broken that lamp for the last time, Beaver!!!"" God damn it, man. The fat pig is on my TV! Rachael Ray is on the TV and I've got to turn the channel. She's wearing a skin-tight black shortsleeve shirt that's like 6 sizes too small! It's like she opened her closet full of black tops and said "I wonder what I should today! Black is slimming! Tee hee hee **wheeze wheeze squeal squeal wheeze wheeze squeeeeeeal!** " She's like "I can still fit into this!!!" while she moves the rolls of arm fat through Very delusional. |
| > Saturday December 13th 2008 < "Just like that dog in the Beggin Strips commercial who wants that imitation bacon soy product so bad" Husband getting dressed in the bedroom talking to himself: "Ugh I hate this underwear... it's like it exploded at the crotch and it's all loose and frilly, like it's all fluttery for my mule." The next day. Husband getting dressed in the bedroom: "Ugh I hate this underwear... it's all torn apart and it wears more like a kilt than underpants, like I made a big honking fart that exploded them." Wife sitting on bed: "You could just get new underwear." Husband: "What???!" |
| > Sunday December 14th 2008 < "I don't train or I train very little because I'm assuming that nobody else is training harder than I am to beat me at this sporting event!" Well that's that. All three NFC teams, the Vikings, Panthers and Falcons won today, meaning the Bears are basically eliminated from the playoffs, even if they win both games and go 10-6, since they own no tie-breakers. Nice job, dildos. You know you really fucked yourself when you blew that game against Tampa, or the one against the Falcons where you lost on the last second play because you were so stupid to squibb kick it, setting the Falcons on the 45 and them completed a 26 yard pass with pisspoor coverage, and them kicking a long-ass field goal. Bears, when you do stupid things, you deserve to have bad stuff to happen to you. Not that I actually care, because my energy & patience with this team evaporated after Week 2. They say 'you can't fix stupid', but I say you can. And you do that by firing Coach Lovie Smith and his incompetent staff. Next thing I would do is cut every fucker that's old and useless (pretty much the whole team) including Hester. Then I'd fix the stripes on the home uniforms so they match the sock stripes like they used to. As a Bears fan, I don't ever recall such a crazy-ass, just flat out WEIRD team. I'm glad I'm not a season ticket holder, nor would I put up with this Sunday night / Thursday night shit either. |
| > Tuesday December 16th 2008 < "It's a tourist retarded city!" Word problem: Your wife is being a bitch and she's making rules in YOUR house and making you eat rabbit food for dinner after you've spent yet another hard day at the dentist office. Like a bad dog, she needs to be disciplined. You threatened to leave, but met only with mockery. Are you the type of person to: A) Beat her senselessly with your fists because it makes you feel like a big man B) Threaten to leave and end up having the time of your life at a sports bar and come home drunk about 3 hours before work C) Keep beating her over a manner of time, but *just* enough alive to keep beating her D) Threaten to leave and actually stay away for a week, and then reluctantly return due to "society". E) Threaten to leave and actually stay away for a week, and keep putting off to return despite pleas from your son and end up starting a new life Your wife is Canadian (moan) and she's also a nationally syndicated cartoonist who tends to get "situations and ideas" from the home despite your objections and being entitled to a private life. She's also very annoying, a total self-centered bitch, and a real general thorn and pain in your ass (and you will eventually have an affair and will leave her), but for today, your patience is lost and you declare "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!" and for the first time, you actually proceed to the threat and carry out the plan. Are you the type to: A) Instantly feel regret, shame and guilt & turn yourself in to the Police B) Go into panic mode and figure out where to dump various parts of the body in different parts of town and proceed with that C) Break out in a hilarious insanity and somehow tragically kill yourself in the process or end up going to Mexico D) Go into an eerie numbness and eventually wait for the Police to get you, whether it's days or hours E) Hope everyone else doesn't notice and proceed to live your life normally as if nothing had ever happened Write in answer) Why would I marry a Canadian? . If a man is traveling through a city in various speed limits of 25, 30, 40, 45 and 50 in various traffic stoppages with 22 miles per gallon City & 28 miles per gallon Highway in a span of 53 minutes. How many miles to the gallon is the man getting? A) Somewhere between 22 & 28 miles per gallon B) Declare ignorance and say that the speedometer is broken C) I don't know? D) Throw math book across room and make the lowly janitor pick it up while you point and laugh at him E) Even if little Johnny refuses to answer the question and end up failing 3rd grade and repeating it and doesn't graduate high school until he's 27 and ends up working at a video store, I still get paid for writing word problems. |
| > Thursday December 18th 2008 < "Yo mama so stupid, she held up an ATM machine with a gun!" Now another example of 'making something out of nothing when it should have stayed as nothing'. Flashbacks can be triggered in the most odd places, this particular one being Neil deMauce's "Field of Schemes" sports business website, on the subject of a new Edmonton Oilers stadium: "But here's the thing: there's a global economic recession going on. Compared to other parts of the country, Edmonton has been relatively insulated from the economic deep freeze. But is this really the best time to finance a major -- and entirely unnecessary -- construction project with income that might or might not be there?" Now, what exactly were the magic words? I'll tell you: "deep freeze". Every time I see those words, I'm automatically reminded of a 4th grade elementary school Christmas play, which I think was about a snowman or something, where a bunch of children's voices singing songs, one particularly "deeeeeep freeeeeeze, (something something something) -eeeeeze, NO!" and the fucking music was keyed to be played based by word syllable, it was awful. The horrible piano tune being played by the fat music teacher who drank 30 cans of soda a day whom I deemed "Miss Butterball", who ended up marrying the skinny 4th grade Science teacher who had tons of veins literally popping out of his skin. As a kid, I was traumatized by music. That's what happens when you grow up in the 1980s and there's synthesizer music everywhere. I didn't like music, I didn't like songs, I didn't like the way they sounded, or how they got stuck in my head over and over and over (or how I was yelled at for humming the 1970s theme version of "Sesame Street" in Kindergarten very, very loudly - "WHO'S HUMMING???" I'm sorry, I don't know what that word means, stupid hippie teacher). This particular play, practice was done in the gym, with its yellow walls and dark gray hard tile surface, we were forced against our will to climb up these orange carpeted / aluminum trimmed bleachers based on height, so naturally I got stuck in the back. But the music, the singing, oh my fucking god, it was awful! Whoever writes children songs and poems, should be burned at the stake or at least lynched like a god damn criminal!!! Because of my Elementary school's music classes, I could not stand the sound of a piano for nearly two decades. A mean teacher, annoying songs, singing, annoying plays along the way & the combination of music up to 1988 was enough for me to have a complete nervous breakdown that would have landed me in a mental institution, but instead I just lip-synced and stared into space during these plays, and didn't bother to learn the songs. I think there's lots of times I wanted to scream my head off in school (and I did once in preschool and I got yelled at) and there are always times when kids feel overwhelmed, but due to the justice of children, whom can be cruel and basically police themselves when the grownups aren't around, basically just scared themselves into being quiet. I know I did, based on the fears of what my classmates would do or think of me. Plus I also think there's some other little threat thing of being carted off and being evaluated to multiple tests by psychological doctors, and of course, that would not be pleasant. So what would I do today, if I was somehow inserted back into that exact same situation? Music teacher: "Alright, here comes the next song!" Me: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! God damn it, NOOOOOO!!!" Music teacher: **begins playing fast tempo song on piano usually mostly high notes** Me: "Oh god NO!! Not this fucking song! NO!!!! I hate this song!!!!!!!" Classmates: **begin singing** Me (now red-faced): "NOOOOO-EEEEEEEEEE-O!!!!! **stomping on bleachers** Don't play that fucking song, I hate it!!! You are the fucking Devvvvvvvilllllllllllllllllllll!!!! Music is torturrrrrrre!!!" **runs over to the piano and chops it to pieces with an ax** "TAKE THAT, YOU GOD DAMNED SHITFACED COCKMASTERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!" In all seriousness, I really did hate music, and quite frankly, I hate a lot of it still. Christmas carols? You looking for a fist punched to your neck? |
| > Wednesday December 17th 2008 < "Nice job on taking a what-was healthy dish into an unhealthy one, Rachael Ray." Well-a bird bird bird, bird is the word well-a bird bird bird, bird is the word well-a bird bird bird, bird is the word well-a bird bird bird, bird is the word well-a don't you know, about the bird, WHENEVERYBODY'SFUCKINGAROUNDTHEBIRD! well-a bird bird bird, bird is the word.... |
| > Friday December 19th 2008 < "How is 'fucker' not in my spell check??" People in room: "Haaaappppppppppyyyyyy birrrrrrrrrrrrthdayyyyyyyyy to youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.." Dolph Rudager: "It'snnotmybirthday." People in room: "Haaapppyyy BIRRRRRRRRRRRTHDAAAAAAAAY dear Dolphhhhhhhhhhhhh" Dolph Rudager: "It'snnotmybirthday." People in room: "Haaaaaaaaappppppyyyyyyy birrrrrrrrthdaaaaaaaaaay toooooooo youuuuuuuuu!" Dolph Rudager: "It's NOT my birthday, god DAMN IT!!!" People in room: "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy make a wish!" Dolph Rudager: "I wish that you'd all get a FUCKING CLUE!!" People in room: "Have a piece of birthday cake!" Dolph Rudager: "Oh FUCK it's coconut and carrots!!" |
| > Saturday December 20th 2008 < "Hey can you go get my haircut for me?" Infomercial person: "These oven mitt gloves can withstand 540 degrees of direct heat!" Infomercial participant: "Wow, that's amazing!" Infomercial person: "See what happens at 541 degrees." Infomercial participant: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" Infomercial person: "That glove just evaporated & the flesh just dripped right off that bone!" |
| > Monday December 22nd 2008 < "Yeah the Fonz, he's got STD's we don't even have names for yet." Word problem. You're driving 50 m.ph. southbound on a 6-lane state highway on a clear sunny midday with lots of fresh snow on the ground and the road is only clear where the tire tracks are. You're approaching a traffic light at a very low busy 3-way intersection. From a distance, you cannot see the traffic light very well because recently there was a snowstorm with howling north winds where snow packed inside of the traffic lights, covering at least 70% of the capacity. As you approach the intersection, you suddenly notice the old farts in the Cadillac in front of you have well-begun the braking process, while suddenly you realize you're still going full spreed and had decided to proceed through the intersection, creating a panic situation. Are you the type of person to: A) Hit the brakes and hope for the best B) Start looking at the lanes to your left and right to see if you can switch and proceed to brake in a more hopefully safe instance C) Panic, slam on the brakes and spin the car in multiple circles, only to finally stop while facing sideways in the lane and coming within 4 feet of crashing your car into the Cadillac D) Break out in an insane laughter because you're 20, young and don't care about death or consequences and proceed to switch lanes while accelerating and going through the intersection no matter what the traffic light color is E) Change lanes while braking and end up going through a red light, and then break out in a mad panic in hoping no police saw you do this You're in an empty office past working hours with only you (the employee) and your annoying boss. For whatever reason, you make a causal reference in conversation of a racial nature which does not pertain to the current situation. Your boss finds this inappropriate and is considering taking action. Are you the type to: A) Apologize on the spot B) Act like nothing unusual happened and continue as so C) Suddenly become very angry and punch your boss in the face, only to realize that it's actually really a lot of fun, and continue punching the boss until kicking gets involved and you eventually tire yourself out, completely ignoring the consequences that will most likely get you fired. D) Grab a stapler and smash it on your boss's face, then proceed to beat up your boss using various office supplies, and eventually break out in an insane laughter E) Go back to your desk and immediately blog on how or why anyone would ever want to see the new Kevin James movie "Mall Cop" You're a husband of a so-so family with a wife who's looks have deteriorated, and you're still suffering indigestion due to the awful lunch she packed you today, which consisted of Old Fashioned salty & oily peanutbutter sandwich on stale Italian bread, greasy and salty Lays potato chips which you hate as well as a warm can of gross Crush Strawberry soda, and for whatever reason, a small baggie of last night's uneaten brussels sprouts, which has left a bad taste in your mouth all afternoon and causes unsightly burping. Since you're already short on patience due to the jackass who cut right in front of you who's car had a stupid Chicago Cubs license plate holder, and at the traffic corner which you needed to turn left to get home, it was his fucking worthless jackass car who prevented you from entering the left turn lane, forcing you to sit through another set of traffic lights. What you really want for dinner is just a plain, simple and cheap Wendy's double stack with cheese or two. You sit down to dinner, and find out the wife shoved yet another crappy dinner, full of green leaves, beets, coleslaw, tofu and some stale bread. You confront your wife and ask her "where in the hell on this planet Earth did you come up with such a horseshit idea of a meal?!!?! And that this better not involve Oprah again!!!" A fight breaks out, and are you the type to: A) Continue arguing, and then demand a REAL dinner with real food, but end up reluctantly choking down the food in defeat because you're starving, while contemplating calling the divorce lawyer tomorrow morning B) Continue arguing, declaring you will absolutely not eat this horse-pigshit while creating an awful and violent scene in front of the children, while breaking your plate and glass of water and eventually flipping the dinner table over, resulting in the wife storming and you end up eating some crackers by yourself on the couch while watching sports C) Suggest what you really want for dinner, get into a mild argument & end up getting up and leaving, and going to Wendy's anyway to get what you want D) Declare you are not going to eat such a rotten meal, end up going to a sportsbar where you end up having the time of your life, and come home drunk about 3 hours before work E) Not say anything, but take a passive aggressive approach and really stiff your wife's Christmas gifts this year by buying some really cheap knock-off lead-heavy jewelry. Write in answer) Declare this is unacceptable, start a fight, storm off, drive off into town, hit the Wendy's before going to your scheduled traffic school anyway, meeting an executive producer from Hollywood, who ends ups giving you the part of a sidekick on a sitcom starring a standup comedian, and having a long career doing various programs and infomercials, while completely forgetting that you actually had to return home that night and forgot all about your former life and job. |
| > Sunday December 21st 2008 < "What happened to Penis? He looks like Dickhead! He IS Dickhead!" It ain't right that this is the second Sunday in a row that the Bears are not playing. It's been a crazy time. The Jet Stream is in a storm making pattern, snow every other day, -4 degrees, -25 below zero wind chill, blowing snow around, very unusual for this time of year which should be around 33 degrees, which has already seen at least 15" of snow and more coming. The fact of the matter is, it's stupid having all these Thursday and Sunday & Monday night games, it's stupid. Reports also indicate that there's an 86% chance that it's going to be another wild snowy winter, and now the city of Chicago is back to plowing and salting 24/7 due to protest of last Friday night's ice storm which was left unattended for 3 days. It's also been crazy everywhere, Seattle got 6 to 12" of snow, New Orleans got 4", Las Vegas got 3.5", first snow since 1979. |
| > Friday December 26th 2008 < "That was a negative comment." George Harrison: "Well the rest of them can fend for themselves." This is something George Harrison would have said, if the Beatles were actually more of a Conservative, rightwing-leaning group. Singing songs about greed, money, hatred, self-reliance, the greatness of winning wars and selfish human spirit, financial investments, big business, big oil, God and Christianity, being smaller than Jesus, being offensive to minorities and those who are different, what an inconvenience poor & crippled people are, what a burden school tax is and taxes in general. Yes, it would have a very different Beatles catalog, and instead of long hair and 'Sgt. Pepper', we would have had 'Sgt. Salty', crew cuts and preachy songs about work ethic and being a law-abiding citizen. |
| > Tuesday December 23rd 2008 < "Well the rest of them can fend for themselves." Husband: "Looks like we have a business deal, here. Here wife, drink this." Wife: "Stop drugging me!!!" Voice-over announcer: " 'The Drugging Husband', Tuesdays this Winter on ABC!" |
| > Wednesday December 24th 2008 < "Study up today, Maggots!!" Ebenezer Scrooge was the greatest man who ever lived...until one night he went to bed with a spice-heavy Mediterranean meal in his belly. |
| > Thursday December 25th 2008 < "I'm going to kill you, and I'm going to enjoy it!" Fuck you, brain. Fuck you, sunrise. Fuck you, sleep-related crud in my eyes. Fuck you, calendar. Fuck you, slow internet. Fuck you, Paul Konrad. Fuck you, karaoke machine. Fuck you, Bozo the Clown. Fuck you, clock on my VCR. Fuck you, idiot poster on the internet. Fuck you, cold wind. Fuck you water that's dripping off the roof. Fuck you, ice on the driveway. Fuck you, thick and soft toilet paper that refuses to absorb water quickly. Fuck you, can of Mountain Dew. Fuck you, French onion dip. Fuck you, asshole potato chips. Fuck you, piece of meat that refuses to cook quickly in oven. Fuck you, posters on the internet. Fuck you, golfer on TV. Fuck you, guys in Santa suits. Fuck you, Rebecca Howe. Fuck you, Benson. Fuck you, singing people on "Benson". Fuck you, aliens on "3rd Rock from the Sun". Fuck you, Vince of Shamwow commercials. Fuck you, Flash Flood Watch. Fuck you, nerdy geek kid on "Who Wants To A Millionaire". Fuck you, Steve Sanders. Fuck you, people stranded at the airport. Fuck you, trendy stranded do-gooder with a fancy laptop who wants to open an orphanage in Africa. Fuck you, holiday cheer. Fuck you, south side fire. Fuck you, Governor Blagojevich. Fuck you, Black Friday. Fuck you, movie theatre. Fuck you, Lt. Fuck you, Two and a half Men. Fuck you, fur coats. Fuck you, Freezing Rain Advisory. Fuck you, faith stealing dog. Fuck you, repeating weather maps. Fuck you, Potsie's singing vocal cords. Fuck you, mechanical Santa. Fuck you, Cam Winston's Hummer. Fuck you, crazy lousy cripple pot brownie-eating ex-cop. Fuck you, freezing rain. Fuck you, cold blankets. |
| > Saturday December 27th 2008 < "I can't hear myself today." Nationals extend offer to Teixeira December 27, 2008 4532 Comments Post a Comment 1 - 25 of 4532 First | << Previous | Next >> | Last 1. Posted by nopooforyoo Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:31am EST Report Abuse First off, this makes no sense. Teixeira already signed with the [profane] Yankees on the 23rd, so it's not like he's going to void his current deal for less years and less money. Truly incompetent team them Washington Nationals are. And phuck you all who do the lame "1st!" thing. This generation is so lame. 2. Posted by RedSuxRule Sat Dec 27, 2008 8:36am EST Report Abuse So stupid the Nats are. And typical Yahoo, this is in the NFL Rumors, of all places. |
| > Sunday December 28th 2008 < "Who are you, and get out of my kitchen!" This will be the last blog entry about the Bears in 2008 and probably until August. What a truly incompetent team. 9-7 with the worst pass defense I have ever seen in my life. And the saddest thing (even I think they don't deserve to go to the playoffs) is a series of like 6 things had to happen for the Bears to even have a shot in the playoffs - either by winning the division or the Wild Card - and every single scenario happened, every team that needed to lose actually did including all 3 last week, and all 3 this week, and yet... the Bears are not in the playoffs because the Texans beat their asses 31-24 in their first trip to Houston since 1992, which I believe I was on vacation in the woods for that game. All the Bears had to do was win, and they were up 10-0, and couldn't play the whole game. Typical Bears, only playing the 1st quarter or the 1st half, then coasting for the rest of the game. Hopefully the entire coaching staff gets fired and everyone that's old and slow gets cut, salary cap hit or not. The NFL needs to scrap this division playoff shit. There's too few games played and it should be based on records, not winning your shitty division. The somehow 11-5 Dolphins beat the lousy Favre Jets, which prevented the 11-5 Patriots from going to the playoffs because the 11-5 Wild Card Baltimore Ravens had an 8-4 Conference record vs the Patriots 7-5 Conference record, and the division prevented the Jets from going with a 9-7 record, the Chargers & Broncos finish 8-8 at the top of the AFC West & the Chargers go to the playoffs. Now my biggest hope is for the Chargers to win the Super Bowl and expose what a sham the NFL is. And the Detroit Lions become the most pathetic team in NFL history, going 0-16, tho 4 of those losses were very winnable against the Vikings & Bears. Let's here it for the retarded Lions! I doubt the Lions could beat any of the top 100 NCAAF teams, either. The highlight so far for me this year in the NFL was the game in Minnesota where the Lions QB runs out the back of the endzone for a safety. Fucking hilarious. |
| > Monday December 29th 2008 < "It insists on itself." **points to TV** "Yeah that's not the original Opie Taylor because somebody played a trick on Don Knotts and put real bullets in his gun." |
| > Tuesday December 30th 2008 < "Mike Love is President of the "We hate Pet Sounds" fan club." Husband driving car: "Oh dear, wife, we're approaching an intersection. Pop these pills ." Wife: "Stop drugging me!!!" Voice-over announcer: " 'The Drugging Husband', Tuesdays this Winter on ABC!" |
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