August 2008 - Untitled Daily Column Project

Your daily dose of the absurd.

Free counter

> Thursday August 14th 2008 < "Dr. Phil brand Box 'o Bacon"

Whoa, how long was I out for? Well, so much for my theory of not updating had any effect on Chicago baseball. This article came out last night:

Documents: Julia Child part of WWII-era spy ring

WASHINGTON - Famed chef Julia Child shared a secret with Supreme Court Justice Arthur Goldberg and Chicago White Sox catcher Moe Berg at a time when the Nazis threatened the world. They served in an international spy ring managed by the Office of Strategic Services, an early version of the CIA created in World War II by President Franklin Roosevelt. The secret comes out Thursday, all of the names and previously classified files identifying nearly 24,000 spies who formed the first centralized intelligence effort by the United States.

I suppose if Julia Child announced in a room that she was a spy on Nazi's, they would have laughed at her. Hmmmm...

Julia Child to me (baiting): "So how about them Nazi's, eh? They got some good ideas, eh??"

Me: "Wait...weren't we just talking about making pizza dough??"

Julia Child: "Yeah them Germans, they make a really good multi-layer cake... along with ethnic cleansing and creating the perfect race!"

Me: "You're making me very uncomfortable!"

Me: "Tho I recall that Simpsons episode of where they went to 'Itchy & Scratchy land' and they were showing the 1938 controversal Roger Meyer's film "The Super Nazi's Are Our Superiors!" so I could see that probably possibly happening, I guess."

Julia Child shouting: "Nazi!! GET HIM!!!"

> Friday August 15th 2008 <   " "Who Said That?!?!" By red Indian"

Well fucking Bud Selig is about to announcer Instant Replay in baseball.
"Major league ballparks are being wired for instant replay, and commissioner Bud Selig said Thursday his "confidence is growing" that the technology to assist umpires will be ready soon.

"I want to make sure that if and when we do it, it's really good, it's perfect," Selig said at the conclusion of a two-day owners' meeting. "It'll be very limited. I want to make sure, and I'm not quite certain yet. But we should have answers very shortly."

Selig said he has visited the so-called "war room" in New York where officials would review video feeds of disputed home runs. The NHL has a similar setup in Toronto."

Grrrrrrrr. Lousy motherfucker Due to the fucking idiocy of the HOK sports architecture firm and some of their modern ballpark designs (Minute Maid Park, PNC, Petco), and the overall general lousiness of our over-paid & especially lousy asshole fucker umpire crews (looking at you, fucking bastard Joe West and his shithead crew), one of the last old school quirks of baseball will soon be coming to an end. I don't know how many homeruns are missed calls each year (I'd say anywhere between 5 to 10) but the issue seems especially forced & rampant this season, very suspiciously I might add, along with all these home wins / roads losses going on.

Personally, I am an opponent of replay of any kind in any sport. All it does is make a farce out of games, slows things down. So what are some alternative solutions?

    * Like for the playoffs, hire two more umpires to stand near the foul poles (the more expensive low-tech solution)
    * Install some kind of sensor that will sound off a steam whistle or air horn that sits on top of the foul pole if a ball is a homerun (I like this idea)
    * Alter ballparks and fix things, whether it's extending the foul pole (horizontally & using screens into foul territory) or raising the wall (even a few inches) or removing rails .

Also they really need to get rid of the wall yellow lines... they serve absolutely no fucking purpose. Either the ball clears the fence or it doesn't, shitface Ump.

> Saturday August 16th 2008 < " "Hey I'm Bob Sirott and I complain about everything that's not old!""

Young beautiful blonde woman: "My doctor advised me to put this special cream on my facial scars to help protect me from the Sun's harmful UV rays after that knife fight with my husband."

> Sunday August 17th 2008 < "It took us 17 takes to get that egg omelet to slide off the pan without falling apart!!!!!"

And the unthinkable has happened: the beer that made Milwaukee famous is now on tap in Chicago: Schlitz beer. Drinking that had the equivalent on the body to say... drinking soapy dishwater. It will give you the schlitz. I don't know how...or why... Milwaukee would make such an insufferable product, but they did.

For the first time in decades, (actually 7-25 since 2002) the Sox actually won in Oakland yesterday, despite everything that occurred would have made a loss: Nick Swisher closing his glove a millisecond too soon on a fly ball, 28 runners left on base, (WTF?!! The TV said 13) and Oakland left 14 on, and somehow held on to a 2-1 win. I can't explain why the Sox are so bad in Oakland, it could be the huge foul territory, or it being playing a Moneyball team vs being one who isn't a Moneyball team, or if it's some kind of voodoo hex. At one point in the game yesterday, I was so infuriated that I wanted to travel to Oakland, track down that voodoo gypsy bitch, and stab her eyes out. Then I thought, "Why in the hell would she pick the White Sox, of all teams?".

And finally, this is for Phillip McGraw:

"How DARE you, Phillip McGraw! You still call your show "The Dr. Phil Show" even tho you haven't renewed your license since 2006! What would Baby Jesus do if he found out?? He'd defecate himself, he would."

> Monday August 18th 2008 < "Last time he broke into a "Whoop-dee-fucking do" explosive medley rant that lasted 4 hours."

mom Martha Generic: "....And that man was from Can-o-da, don'tchaknow!!" (episode ends)

cut to live action Howie Mandel behind white backdrop: "So Bobby, this story you were saying?"

cartoon Bobby Generic: "So anyways, and that's when I finally had enough, and I shoved my fork right up his ass!"

Howie a bit bothered: "That.... that doesn't sound very pleasant, Bobby. And I think you should have dispensed of that fork immediately."

Bobby: "No I just pulled it out and resumed eating my broccoli & brussel sprouts in vinegar."

Howie now retching: "Oh my god!!!" **runs off camera**

Bobby towards the camera: "Did I ever tell you kids about the time where I gave a prostate exam during a barbecue rib dinner?"

**fade to black**

> Wednesday August 20th 2008 < "The team's trainer said, "They don't need to stretch beforehand because they're that lousy of a team.""

D.J. "Next here on WBLG-FM, all things bootleg for Valentine's Day, we'll have a block of "I'm Dumb With Love", "I Spit Out Love Like It's Poison" and "Stay Away From Love, It'll Fuck You Up Real Good", next! On all things bootleg."

> Tuesday August 19th 2008 < "Hank to Dale: "Don't you fuck me in the brain, you god damned son of a bitch!!!""

School counselor said that "Hot Pockets are bad". That's all the information that I need.

> Thursday August 21st 2008 < "Oh man, Dad. You're just like Bing Crosby without the music."

Dr. Phil: "And you're like, "Will you build a rocket ship?" and I'm like "Do you hear yourself?" and then I ask "Why am so fat?" and they said "Well you eat too much!" and said "well I only eat 12 steaks a day (ouch my heart!)"

There's always going to be that potential that Dr. Phil is gonna come to your house and eat up all your food.

> Friday August 22nd 2008 < "We live in an era...of high speed internet & information! There aren't supposed to be any idiots left!"

Ugh. It is now official: after 139 years (since 1869) starting September 1st, there will be instant replay on balls hit near the foul poles. Fuck. Shit. Ass. Well this is stupid. Suddenly now baseball needs replay, due to some shitty asshole architecture firm in shitty Kansas City who designed some shitty ballparks, suddenly it's impossible for umpires to make a correct call. There are certainly better alternatives to this, and I'm going with the low tech idea.

Obviously the issue mostly, is with the foul pole, so let's deal with that first. Some poles are bare, some have a dense grill attached to it. First thing we could, is extend it more so it covers area. But since some are pretty dense, obstructed views would be an issue. So either install some kind of thin metal fence or some really thin chicken wire painted black, so you have something to knock the ball down to show it's a homerun. Have it extend 5, 6, even 10 feet. Or better yet... install some clear plexiglass on the poles which would solve the obstructed view & close calls problem.

Now other steps, such as installing higher walls, ripping out rails or ripping out the 1st few rows of bleachers to create some dead space. But for god's sake, it shouldn't be that hard to call a homerun!

> Tuesday August 26th 2008 < "He's the guy who poops behind his shed!"

Here are the dug up and unknown original lyrics to Queen's "We Will Rock You".

Hey there, hard boy, gonna make a record, gonna make a lot of dough
And then smoke some dope someday!

You got blood on your face,
You big disgrace,
Kicking that can all ovah the place, singing
"We willlllllll, we willllll...ROCK YOU!"
"We willlllllll, we willllll...ROCK YOU!"

Cut off my hair, grew a 'stauche and got some new clothes
Time to be a big fat macho gay!

You got crud on your face,
You big disgrace
Waving that rainbow flag all ovah the place, singing
"We willlllllll, we willllll...ROCK YOU!"
"We willlllllll, we willllll...ROCK YOU!"

You walking past the Po-lice station, gettin' ideas in your toes
Gonna be a big bad gay cop someday!

You got cum on your face,
You big disgrace,
Lisping and wrist-bending all ovah the place, singing
"We willlllllll, we willllll...ROCK YOU!"
"We willlllllll, we willllll...ROCK YOU!"

**accordian solo**

END

Written on the back of this yellow sheet of paper, were the lyrics to "2nd Place Is The First Loser / We're Losers".

> Saturday August 23rd 2008 < "Cocaine killed the 1980s star"

This is something I found amusing at FireJoeMorgan.com. The world needs more websites dedicated to getting people fired. Why can't there be a FireHawkHarrelson.com or FireHawkandDJ.com?

"Joe [Morgan's] Brain: Got in a bunch of "consistents," mentioned Sheff...what else do I have to do today? Oh -- eat. I should eat something."

> Sunday August 24th 2008 < "Hey now...that's how wars get started."

Nice job, Rachael Ray. Nothing like bringing a pooping, flea-ridden trash-eating dog to a cooking show. Guests come on the Rachael Ray Show... tho only just once.

> Monday August 25th 2008 < "Lazy moms love paper plates"

Man, A.J. Pierzynski is one motherfucker. During Sunday�s Tampa / Sox game, the game was tied in the 10th, A.J. is on second, took a big lead, Jermaine Dye hit the ball to the shortstop, A.J. caught in a run-down, knows he's dead shit, so on the relay plays, after the ball was thrown, A.J. willed himself to be touched / be interfered with, so he would be given 3rd base with no outs. It happened so fast, but replays showed it was completely intentional, and the Rays bitched and bitched and bitched. The Tampa Bay Ray Romanos would then intentional walk to Jim Thome, only to see rookie Alexei Ramirez line a shot to rightfield for a White Sox winner. If there's every an Asshole Day holiday, A.J. certainly would get one. People in baseball just absolutely hate this fucker. He knows the rules so well and bend the situation for his advantage. Apparently the umpire who awarded A.J. 3rd base was the same one who awarded him 1st base on that 2005 ALCS Angels game dropped 3rd strike incident.

So yeah, down 5-4 in the 9th, scored on a huge error by the Ray Romano�s catcher, our stupid idiot 3rd base coach Cox (that all I know of him or care) fucking sent Brian Anderson to home on a short & rare Paul Konerko basehit to leftfield, and Brian would had been out by at least 25 feet, but the ball bounced away from the catcher and Brian scored. It was the kind of idiot play that would get any 3rd base coach fired. But no, luck happens, and suddenly Hawk Harrelson declares Cox a genius. No, Cox is not a genius. He is a moron. And Hawk, is a senile cartoon. Sox should have lost that game.

Now back to the A.J. incident. That little fuck up completely changed the inning. 1 out & a runner on 1st to runners on the corners with no outs. Push comes to a shove and the lost game is suddenly a win. A.J. is our fucker, and well, if he was on your team, you'd like him too. What's surprising thing is, A.J. actually admitted to intentionally doing it, I�m surprised if he doesn't face a fine for Fuckery. Tho they probably classify that as "undisclosed reasons".

> Wednesday August 27th 2008 < "I don't want to wait.... for my nachos to get colder"

You know what I'd like to see? Some germophobe sanitize the Price is Right wheel. That wheel has been touched by 6 people per show for like 40 years. There's got to be every disease known to man lurking on that wheel.

> Thurssday August 28th 2008 < "I lovvvvve Lucyyyyy... she 'splain things real goooooood...."

on 2008 PBS cooking show 'Primal Grill', a cow on a ranch walks up to grill and sniffs: **sniffs** "OMG, Steven Raichlen is cooking Kevin!!!".

You know there's something really weird about grilling outdoors on your ranch in Tucson, Arizona when you have multiple grills outside and you have your cattle wandering around cooking grills full of barbecued meat.