/\   Monday August 1st, 2005  /\ "divide and conquer."







Day 20:  380. The Beatles - I Saw Her Standing There -- 417. The Beatles - Things We Said Today

I was watching an old episode of "Home Improvement" yesterday.

**Randy is hanging out with his girlfriend in the den, but decides to enter the Taylor kitchen where mother Jill is folding laundry**

Mother Jill (with slight Texas accent): "What's the matter, Randy, don't yew like yer cute
lil girrrrl frah'end over there?"

Randy: "But mommmmmmmmm, she doesn't have a penis!"

Tim enters from garage: "Hey who wants to do some lines in the hot rod?? Hahahahaha!"

Brad: "I have to go stand outside an' stand around an' wait while my hair grows longer."

Mark enters room: "I'm going to do something strange, like bark at a wall and marry a 40 year old woman."

Jill: "Mark, what the hell..." **Mark exits front door**

Tim enters from the garage again: "Hey who wants to do some lines on the souped-up lawn mower's new chrome finish?? Hahahahahaha!"

Brad re-enters from being outside: "Hey, I'm gonna go stand outside and look at the soccer ball an' think about how I'm going to college to play soccer an' nothing else."

And then I changed the channel.  And then I said to myself,

"there sure are a lot of lesbians in this auto insurance commercial."

-o-
Yesterday's results: $0.  Today's result:  $-5.  Total results: $7.
/\   Tuesday August 2nd, 2005  /\   "sure what the fuck: "Howard Dean for President in '08."







Day 21:  --

Two longhairs are headbanging while attending a rock concert.  Suddenly they pause and actually listen to the music.

singer: "Swha-deeeeeeeeeeeeeettttttttt!  Omga no dah,  Blap gonda!  Wet speed explooooooooooooooode!"

Two longhairs: **stare in disbelief**

singer: "Teee An Tee!" (arf...arf....arf...) Teen Fan Blee!  (arf...arf...arf..) Tea Gland Pee!  (arf....arf..) Mmmgah flower loaddddddd (arf..) speegah dooooooooooooo!"

longhair # 1: "hey, what the fuck are we doing at an AC/DC concert??"
longhair # 2: "man, we really fucked up big time!"

singer: **clears throat** **clears throat again** "speck-a-leeva-crew-winnabeg-shrump-ga-doooooo!"  **loud music starts again & fans begin cheering loudly**

longhair # 2. "let's leave."

longhair # 1. "Wait! I heard this riff during a car commercial!  Oh wait.... that was for an Apple computer."

**longhairs leave.**


END
/\    Thursday August 4th, 2005  /\   "I never intentionally cheated on a test."







Day 23:  --

I keep forgetting that I'm actually supposed to update this thing every day.

I haven't been listening to much music lately.  I've been enjoying the sound of silence.  I'll turn on the radio and hear nothing but crap or the same shit I've heard a million times.  It's almost startling to drive, and just listen to the sound of the tires on the road & the wind hitting the car.  Oh, and I'm sick and tired of hearing those stupid commercials, which seem to be twice as loud as the music.  And I don't like how stations all go on commercial breaks at the same time.

Now for today's rant: BBQ sauce.

Those who know me, I'm not really a BBQ sauce kind of guy.  I've only had one good meal of ribs in my entire life; and the rest were even worst than day-old bread. 

I came across this cowboy-esque award winning BBQ sauce that's like a "world champion at the contest in Memphis" and shit.  It's made with tomato paste, your sugar, your molasses, your garlic powder, hickory smoke, onion powder and other expensive spices and ingredients.  An expensive and prestigious BBQ sauce indeed.

Then I tasted it, in all of its natural glory.  And it was good.  Really good.  But you know what?  It tasted exactly like the same syrupy-greasy shit I get from Popeyes or any place who has BBQ sauce in those white plastic containers.

There's just no secret to BBQ sauce.  You see those people say "this ain't no mothafuckin' ketchup!"   Well, Tyrone, it pretty much is. BBQ sauce is almost always thick, brown, sweet or sugary, sticky and gooey.  There's only so much flavor you can add to ketchup & sugar.  Oh, I'm sorry, "catsup & sugar."
/\    Friday August 5th, 2005  /\   "Watching Leno makes me stupider."







Day 24:  --

I guess my skin is thin.

A Seattle Mariners fan came to the Sox board a few weeks ago, trying to find some tickets for the M's / Sox game at the Cell tonight.  He hadn't seen the M's in 10 years.  He just needed two tickets to the game.

4-2, the final.  M's beat the Sox at the Cell.  The guy enjoyed the game on "Elvis Night" which inexplicably lead to a franchise best 11th sell-out of the season, and had a fun time.  Nevermind that the M's beat their old pitcher Freddy Garcia, or the fact that both Cleveland and Minnesota won tonight, thus pushing the Sox clinching party back another day....and the game really didn't mean that much to me (and I couldn't see it).   But I can't help to feel.. "god damn it."

I have to say this.... I fucking hate it when the visitor's fans come to the ballpark.   You're in a place where like 99.9% of the fans either care what you care about, or don't care at all on what happens, but when something shitty happens to the home team, suddenly like 4 assholes stand up and start screaming "GO (opponent) yeah!!!", making me use every once of strength to not throw my car keys at them and climb down over the seats and pummel the living shit out of them.

Yeah, I know you like your team, and I like mine, but I don't like it when you come to my team's park.  There have been so many stories of Red Sox fans going to Yankee stadium & vise versa; and getting harassed beyond belief like a negro was during the 1950s in the South. 

I really don't like hearing your voice or hearing you cheer against my team on my turf.  I fully expect as much when I buy a ticket to a home game that I won't have to put up with rival assholes..  And face it, nobody like the enemy on their turf. 

Also I believe that there's a lot of lying going on in this country, when fans find out the star of their biggest rival team goes down with injury and they apologize & say they feel bad about it.  Honestly, we're all secretly glad it happened.  "Your loss, our gain."  Injuries are a part of the game, and don't expect me to feel sorry about every boo-boo and scratch a player gets.  They're paid millions, and they're well off.  As long as a guy doesn't break his spine, or get hit in the head or die, he'll be fine. 

But the point here is, "don't tell me not to feel good when something bad happens to your team.  You had your years of winning and now it's our turn."  That's baseball, that's sports....people get hurt..it's a part of the game.  Don't lecture me on ethics.  And yes, I will feel happy that your guys got hurt.  Them being hurt and not playing makes me feel happy and is good for my team, which are playing for this: the championship." 

Oh yeah, back to the point.  No, I'm not happy my team lost tonight.  And I'm pissed they had to lose to your team.  I'm like, "what the fuck happened, there, man?"  It's hard for me to feel good about your experience when in the long run, it hurt my team.  I just want my team to win.... even if I don't feel like a full-assed hard-core fan caring all the time about it..  And honestly, I really don't give a shit about your experience.  I only care about my team (even if I hate the GM and most of the players).  What a world.
/\    Saturday August 6th, 2005  /\   "i don't play the "what if" game."







Day 25:  418. The Beatles - When I Get Home -- 448. Beatles - Dizzy Miss Lizzie

Here's a wrap-up of last night's 4-2 loss the worst team in the AL West: the Mariners.  I didn't watch the game (or could I) but I caught the highlights on the news and recap in the paper this morning.

Sox sux � By Dolph Rudager (AP) - ILLINOIS

I can sum up this team, lately at home: lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy, lazy and lazy.

They are getting lazy & are tired of manufacturing runs the correct way, and have gone back to relying on the long ball.

"In their last three games, the Sox have scored 9 of their 10 runs on long balls."

I think they're at the point of the season where they're sick of playing games, and are just going on cruise control since they're not in any serious pennant race (makes bad baseball for the fans). And Ozzie can scream until his ass bleeds, but it isn't going to do any good. It's at the point where the games don't really mean that much, and they figure the Indians or Twins are going to lose anyway. Crede will continue to make errors, there's going to be more wild pitches and the hitters are constantly going to swing for the fences.

I just don't get it with these bums. And this was the easy part of the schedule this month.

10th loss at home in the last 14 home games. Even Ozzie was stated saying "If we go to the playoffs, I hope we don't have the best record so we start on the road."

Pretty much a kick to the balls to the players. And notice the "If" part, too. But the players probably don't care. Ozzie can't bench the whole team and the players can keep on swinging for the fences. Probably the only thing that will motivate them is if the Twins or Indians somehow win 12 of their next 14 games or something.

And the sad thing is, I really don't care that much, either.
/\    Sunday August 7th, 2005  /\   "she didn't change, you just didn't know her very well."







Day 26:  --

Probably posted this before, but since I have nothing to write about, I'll post it again with some edits.  Enjoy.

-o-

"And now.......Masterpiece Theatre presents...........
A day in Colonel Harland Sander's KFC."

**curtain opens**

Colonel Sanders walks around his restaurant & approaches a family.

**bangs cane on chair**
Colonel Sanders: "so there you little punk dumbass shit!  You like ma' chicken?!"

little punk dumbass shit: **nods**

Colonel Sanders: "I've been making this recipe every since I was a little cocksucker sneaking over by the nudity bar while lusting after the penny-whores!"

**Family stares in disbelief.**

Colonel Sanders: "yeah!"

**gimps around**


Colonel Sanders: **eyes women and jabs her on the ass with his cane**

Colonel Sanders: "Ma'am, I said Ah yes, Ma'ma you were in need of a good poking!  Heh heh!"

Woman: "asshole!"

Colonel Sanders: "Baw-hahaha!"


**gimps towards a family of 4 eating**

Colonel Sanders: "so you little pillow biters enjoying this shit?!!  It's "Clit-licking good!" "
**slams cane on table**

**suggestively starts lapping tongue rapidly**

**bursts out laughing** "Baw-hahahahahahahahaha!"

Colonel Sanders: "come back soon now, you hear you little cum garglers?!"


**wanders around**

**employee drops some glass on the floor**

Colonel Sanders: "what the fuck is this bullshit going on, I say I asked you what the fuck is this bullshit?!"

employee: **shrugs shoulders**

**curtain closes**

END
/\    Monday August 8th, 2005  /\   "the louder you are, the less i care, woman!"







Day 27:  --

Now it's time for another segment of  "Children are ruining the world."

Dolph Rudager � Editorial

I was watching the news and there was this piece of some stupid shit, like toys for odd toddlers or something; I had the sound off.  And I looked over and noticed: everything is made of plastic and rubber.  Those are petroleum based products, and are using up our precious oil supply, which we need for more important things, like to put gas in the car to get our beer and cigarettes.  But no... little Robby needs to have 8 fucking hundred pieces of toys, and they're all plastic.  Seriously, it does cost a lot of money and resources to make these toys.  They didn't have this problem 50 years ago when toys were made to be indestructible and to survive a Korean or Japanese bombing: nothing but metal, wood and steel with sharp edges and will rust up in a second. 

There's two possible simple solutions:  we could stop making plastic toys, or we could stop making babies.  Of course, this whole "cell phone and DVD fad" isn't helping matters either.  I actually got this idea from reading about how plastic soda bottles were becoming a huge strain in our demand for oil, being the stupid fat lazy sugar-sucking Americans we are.  Basically, when I was a kid, we had soda come in packs of eight 16 oz glass bottles and soda cans.  You used the bottles; you returned them for money.  100% recyclable.  No problems.  Then suddenly some genius in the late 1980s decided that "glass bottles aren't cool anymore" and suddenly 464 trillion glass bottles were now pointless.  Well here we are, in 2005, living in a sea of 32 jillion plastic bottles lying around and another oil crisis.  Seems we had the right idea all along. 

So to sum up, we need to: stop making soda, stop making babies and stop making toys.  Otherwise, we'll wake up one day, and then you'll go, "Fuck!  We're all dead!"
/\    Tuesday August 9th, 2005  /\   "c'mon, you fucking ass-tard!"







Day 28:  447. The Beatles - Drive My Car --  460. The Beatles - Run For Your Life

Swearing.  Why don't we just allow profanity in this country?   What's the big deal?  It's just a word, like pillow biter, or mucus, or anus or shithole.  The only reason why profanity is deemed "so bad" is because people make it seem like it is.  They don't have these problems in Europe.  The only thing they care about in censorship is whether or not a program or song is touting a corporate product. 

I think it sucks that everyone has to "watch their language" because some pussy shithead wimpy son of a bitch has a problem with it.  And let's face it, we're all pretty profane anyway when we're by ourselves or in the company of people who aren't strangers.    And what's the different between saying "screw you!" or "fuck you!" ?   Not a damn thing.  Or what about if you're sitting in the left-turn lane at a traffic light corner, and suddenly 3 middle aged women driving minivans decide to keep turning left on their side of the road even tho their left green arrow is long gone and they have a red, is me rolling down the window and shouting, "you fucking stupid cunt!" is any different than shouting "you fucking stupid bitch!" ?   I think not. 

I think is laughable that in this country we have "different degrees of profanity", like somehow "hell" and "damn" and "piss" and "ass" are acceptable at the Kindergarten level but "bastard" or "bitch" or "Dick" can be used when in the proper context, and that "shit" "fuck" "tit" "cunt" or "pussy" are reserved for adults.  I mean, what's the big deal if a 6 year old knows the 7 things you can't say on television.  I guess some people don't want their kids calling their stupid grade school teacher "Mrs. Brace, you stupid god damn fucking evil shitfaced cruel cockmaster bitch!!!"  But that really comes down that parents would have to properly raise their children, and that's obviously too much to ask for most people.


Speaking of this, I had this dream last night that i was at a ballgame, and was in some kind of fancy box seat or something, (like a field-level luxury box or something without the glass window).  We (me and about 6 friends) were watching this game 1st base side; with a direct view at 3rd base, and the home team put in this really short & young 3rd baseman, and he made a crucial error.  I, of course, stood up and started screaming things, like "what the fuck is wrong with you, you stupid baby piece of shit!  Why don't you learn how to field?!  I think you should die already!!".  Of course, in the dream, apparently I was extremely loud and everyone in the ballpark heard it, and everyone was pissed off at me and they had to stop the game to have me apologize to the 3rd baseman, but I flat-out refused. 

Then apparently my buddies got pissed at me, and started trashing my things (soda cup or whatever food I had).  And while this was going on, the game was still being halted because of my rude comments, and one of my buddies decided to start pissing on the floor around me to create a big puddle for me to step in or slip in, which of course i screamed "Hey, stop the fuck out!! What the fuck is wrong with you??!"

And apparently the people in the ballpark got so pissed they postponed the game.  Then of course, on the way back to our bachelor pad house, I had people yelling at me and throwing things at me.  I returned to the house to see two of my roommates (both apparently were washing their hair in each of the kitchen sinks.  I told them I needed to hide and get a new identity, and I needed to borrow one of their trucks so I could pack my things and move to another state.  They looked at me (shampoo lather and all dripping everywhere) and didn't say anything.  I was like, "Well??? Come on!!!", but they just mumbled something.  Before I could actually spring into action, the morning sunlight woke me up.

I'm sure it would had ended up as a mad rushed panic, where I end up dropping things, losing stuff, and I try to escape but only keep getting stopped by people and I never end up getting away, and I get yelled at / beaten up.
/\    Wednesday August 10th, 2005  /\   "the Partridge Family are a bunch of dangerous hippie radicals!"







Day 29:  461. The Beatles - Taxman --  467. The Beatles - She Said, She Said

I was watching an old episode of "King of the Hill" the other night.  Apparently dumb-blonde Luanne (the one with the horrible baby doll high-pitched porn star voice) decided to do a puppet show for the local church.  I don't know what was really going on, but Luanne just didn't seem right.

-o-

Pastor: "Alright, children.  Please pay attention to the stage where we have Luanne Platter doing a Christian puppet show.  And don't forget....touching yourself is a sin."

**11 of the 26 children clap**

Luanne enters the stage with some sock puppets, sets them down, turns on the music and begins singing.
























Luanne: "Manger Babies came down from God's dennnnnn to this church to preach to all of youuuu....."

Luanne: "Manger Baaaaaaaaabies mock those who don't believe in what weeee dooooooooooo..."

Luanne: "Manger Baaaaaaaabies mock and ridicuuuuuuuule all those who are diffffffferennnnnnt..."

Luanne: "you'll burrrrrn in Helllll if you don't give up things for Lenttttttttttt. **shouts** celebrate Lent!!!!!!"

Bored child in audience: "I want to play video games."

Luanne: **continues singing** "Ahhhhh laaaaaaa, laaaaaa, shit for brainnnnnnnns....laaa laaa laaaaaaaaa!"

Luanne: **starts laughing** "Ha!  Hahaha! BAH!  Ha!  **says to self** "how..how.. how does the rest of the song go?  **slurs**"

**continues singing** "Manger baaaaaaabieeeeees are gay like youuuuuuuuu!"

Parent in background: "Hey c'mon, what the hell kind of Christian puppet show is this?!"

Luanne still singing: "Mannnngerrrr Babies are here to save and change your waaaaaaaaaayssssss!"

Kid: "oh come on!"

Luanne: **loses balance** "Slissssss, Gawd I'm so drunk right now!"

Pastor: "what in holy hell...."

Luanne: "they run around, and they poop on the ground, saaaaaaaah!  **shouts** Mangerrrrrrrr babi-EEEEEES!!!"

Luanne: "I shove myyyyy hand up the sock puppet's asssssssss while I brainwash your bratty chilllllllldrennnnnnnn"

Parent in background: "Somebody call the police!"

Luanne to the children: "You know what, I liiiiiiiiike to partyyyyyyy!"

Kid: "is this the show?"

Luanne shouts towards: "You shut up your frickin' pie hole up!  Little piece of shit!" **goes back to singing** "La laaaaa, Manger Babies rule and walk on waaaaaaaaterrrrrrrrr."

Parent in background: "Get off the stage, you slut!"

Luanne: "Manger babieeeeeeeees are slutsssssss and like to trash the ssssta....sta.....stage!  Now lissssstennnn to the words, come to the **burp** churrrrchsssss.....and give them all your money 'cause that'ssss what they do!!  They ssssta-steeealll from youuuuu.....they steal from youuuuuu!  Ma....ma-kin' you livin' life in fear 'cause they want to steal from youuuuuuuuuuuu!!!  **burrrrrrrrrp!** Baw-hahahahaha!! **drunken giggles**  **shouts** MANGER BABIES FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!"

**gunshot**

END
/\    Thursday August 11th, 2005  /\   "Somebody sure took their Bitch Pill today."







Day 30:  --

Manger Babies & crazy Luanne: Day 2.  The Aftermath. 

Somehow in the drunken giggle-fest frenzy, Luanne forgot the words to her own song! Scott Stapp must be rolling in his grave.

-o-

Manger Babies came down from God's den
to this church to preach to all of you
Manger Babies mock those who don't believe
in what we do
Manger Babies mock and ridicule all of those
who are different
You'll burn in Hell if you don't give up things
for Lent.

Manger Babies will not allow you to
become a pack of gays
Manger Babies are here to save [you] and
change your ways

Manger Babies are a donkey, octopus an'
penguin but no otter
Manger Babies rule and walk on water


Manger Babies lie to your children because they're bad
and it's fun
You dump them off on us & so we brainwash
(because we can!) a ton

Give all of your money to the Church
'cause you need to go
Prepare for a guilt trip so just fork
over the dough!

So go to the church and show up and
give them lots of money
They seem sincere (but really they're
quite phony!)

Manger Babies!

-o-

I'm also working on an ode poem about vans.  Apparently there's this "cool stigma" about how great it is to drive a van and rightfully so..  You're high up on the road, you got a big engine, you're bigger than shit, and you don't take no shit!  When you're driving the van, you're fucking king of the road, man.  Who needs an SUV or a Porsche or some other kind of penis-car when you got a van??
/\    Friday August 12th, 2005  /\   "haha what a crappy synthesizer!!!"







Day 31:  --

The Berenstain Bears in............ " Comrades U.S.A. "



Sister is in the living room, petting the family dog.

Sister: "Mama!  Don't you just love our cute dog Rutler?  And isn't it cute the way he barks all night long and growls at everyone and chews on everything??!"

Mama: "Suuurrrrrrrrre."

**Brother enters room, dancing to the music coming from his headphones on his iPud**

Brother: **singing** "duhhhhhhh dunnnhhh, daaaaaaaah!"  Loud music rules!  Stealing music kicks ass!  Fuck yeah!"

Mama: "Brother, what in the world are you doing?"

Brother: "It's called "Rockin' in the free world," man.  You Pinko's don't understand!" 

**Mama leaves room grunting** Mama: "the cursed Western culture will be the death of us all."


Later on that day.


Brother: **all excited** "Hey Papa, look at this huge-ass fish tank my friend Richard gave me!  And it's got like 25 fish in them!  And it's gonna cost so much money to take care of them!"

Papa: **pissed** "That's....great.... Brother.  25 more mouths to feed."

Brother: "Anyways, I'm too busy to bother paying attention to them right now.  So if you could clean out the tank, put some new rocks & plants in there along with a bigger and more expensive filter, that'd be great.  Anyways, I'm off to run in Farmer Bob's field and step on all the plants & chuck the vegetables!  Bye!"  **runs out the door**

Papa: "Hmmph."


10 Days later.


Sister: "Look, Mama!  Susie's cat had kittens and she gave us THREE of them!  Wheee!  I'm so happy!"

Mama: **grunnnnnnt**


3 days later


Brother: "Hey Papa!  Check out this neat Lawn Dart set!  I can't believe they banned these things in 1987!"

Papa: **smugly** "I'm sure they had a pretty good reason to.  haha."

Brother: "awwwwe, they're just a bunch of stupid crybaby pansy assholes.  One stupid Papa Bear pokes & punctures a testicle from playing it and ruins it for everyone!  Haha!"  **goes off to play lawn darts**

Papa: **grunts** "That insolent kid of mine."


2 weeks later


The Berenstain Bears gather at the breakfast table.

Brother: "Hey, anybody seen my iPod?  I can't seem to find it nor function without it anymore."

Mama: **rolls eyes** "Gee, and you only listen to it 18 hours a day!"

Papa: "well, Brother...."
**cuts to flashback sequence of Papa in the garage crushing Brother's iPud in the vice** 

**cuts back to present**

Papa: "....That's very forgetful and irresponsible of you, Brother."


**Sister walks into the kitchen**

Sister: "Hey, anybody seen where my 3 kittens went?"

Mama: "Oh, yeaaah.... they....all died one day."

Sister: "What?!  Nooooooooo!"

Mama: "Yeah, I was baking some cookies and they, um.....  ran into the oven."

Sister: "AAAAAIEEEEEEEEEE!"
Mama: "Cookie-lust killed your kittens, Sister Bear."

Brother: "Yeah, and I haven't seen Rutler around for a while, either."

Papa: "He....um....uh...**thinks** He ran away."

Brother: "Oh come on!!  For christ's sake!  What's wrong with our pets??  Alright, let's head off to school, Sis."

**Brother and Sister Bear head off to school**

Mama: "Heh."


2 days later


Dinnertime at the Berenstain Bear house.

Mama: **standing outside front door** "Brotherrrrrrrrr!  Sisterrrrrrrrrr!  Time for dinnerrrrrr!"

Sister: "Coming, Mama!"  **Brother & Sister come running into the house**

Sister: "What are we having for dinner?"

Mama: "A can of lima beans and a can of baked beans!"

Sister: **whines** "Ohhhhhhh that sounds like shit, Mama!"

Mama: "Watch your language, Sister!"

**Brother walks in the den**

Brother: "Boy, this room sure looks different.... tho I can't seem to remember why..... wasn't there a fish tank or something on that table?"

Papa in the bathroom:  **flush!** "Bring on the beans orgy!"

Sister: "I'm not eating this crap!"  

Mama: "Sister!!!"


The next morning


**Brother enters the breakfast table**

Brother: "Hey! Where'd my Ronald Reagan di-o-rama go??"

**Mama & Papa stutter.**

Mama: "Alright!  I admit it!!  I destroyed it!!"

Brother: "God damn you, Mama!  That was for my Social Studies class!" 

Mama: "I don't care!!! I can't stand that man!  He ruined Communism for us!!"

Brother: "What the fuck is going on, here??!"

Sister: "It seems like everything we have that brings joy to us or makes noise seems to have mysteriously disappeared!"

Papa: "Your mother and I decided that you're having too much fun.  Also we wanted to teach you some lessons, for reasons forgotten already.  And we thought you owned way too many possessions & believe you needed to simplify your lives.  That's why we got rid of your stuff."

Brother: **now screaming** "I can't believe what the fuck is going on here! AHHHHHHHH!" **throws a plate into the wall & it smashes into pieces** **Brother runs out of the room**

Mama: "He'll get used to this eventually.  We'll break his spirit."

Sister: "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! There's some fur in my Beefstroganoff!!!"

Mama: "oh for Marx sake!  It's just a piece of lint."

Sister: "Why are we even eating Beefstroganoff and boiled potatoes for breakfast??"

Mama: **chugs some morning Vodka** "Just be quiet and eat your cabbage & vareniky and you'll get to have some syrniki before you go to school."


END
/\    Saturday August 13th, 2005  /\   "just an old fashioned drug song."







Day 32:  The Beatles - Good Day Sunshine  -- 474 - The Beatles - Tomorrow Never Knows

Alright, time for a rare, sports topic

I went to the Webmd website, where they show an athlete's injury graphic on TV.  I pretended I was Rex Grossman, and I said my symptom was a broken bone in my ankle.  And sure enough, it diagnosed me with a broken ankle.

Alright....Take two.

Well once again, another Bears season has been ruined.  For the second time in 2 years, Rex Grossman broke his body while playing on that stupid Field Turf shit.  A broken ankle - out for 3 to 4 months.  It's either a combination of bad genetics or Field Turf, but I hate that fucking stuff.  It's that stupid plastic grass that's put down and mixed with tens of millions of shredded tires.  Every time somebody plants their foot on it, a black cloud of rubber comes up, and it's annoying as hell.  Plus I've heard players bitch about getting black rubber crumbs in their eyes and more seem to get hurt on it than natural grass. 

So that's that.  Once again my Sundays are completely useless and boring.  At least there's only a few weeks between the end of baseball and the start of basketball.  3rd injury Rex has gotten with the Bears already, and he's only played 6 games.  If anyone was ever on steroids, it was probably Rex.  Hey Rex, drink your fucking milk! 

Turning to baseball, the Cubs went through a wonderful, glorious 8-game losing streak (technically, it should had been a 11-game losing streak) which was a wonderful and good time.  The starters got lit up, the bullpen got used early and often, stats got worse, guys got hurt and ground was lost.  Unfortunately, the Cubs somehow won 2 games in a row against the Cardinals, who apparently forgot how to hit the fucking baseball, but things returned to normal this afternoon where the Cardinals won 5-2 and inching ever so closer to the Cubs elimination celebration.  And we all know what that is: a full serving of shells n cheese. 

Yeah the White Sox played some baseball, lost the 1st game, won the last two.... tho just barely beat the Yankees,  and got the shit pounded out of them by the Red Sox.  I look at this White Sox team, and I don't see a champion.  The talent is sub-par, the pitching is spotty, the hitting is extremely streaky and relies way too much on the long ball, and the manager is an absolute fucking idiot.  I could see this team maybe winning a game in the playoffs.  That's it.
/\    Sunday August 14th, 2005  /\   "man, if i was a Cubs fan, I'd shit myself senseless."







Day 33:  --

Crappy sports column: Day 2. The Aftermath.

oh my fucking god.

White Sox lineup 8/14:
T. Perez LF       
J. Uribe SS       
C. Everett DH       
P. Konerko 1B       
A. Rowand CF       
J. Dye RF       
G. Blum 2B       
C. Widger C
J. Crede 3B


That is really bad. Ozzie, if you're going to put out a lineup like that, why even bother playing the game?? It's called "forfeiting". I'd love to see that happen. Bullpen & starters get a much needed off-day, and it pisses off a whole stadium of fans, and we save the embarrassment of getting our asses kicked by the Red Sox again. The Boston media would go mad.

Speaking of Ozzie, he's just insane.

Edit:  Game was postponed after 4 1/3rd innings.  Since it was the only time the White Sox come to Boston this year, the game may or not be made up.  It all depends if it either team needs it and would likely be played on Monday, October 3rd, after the last day of the season.
(4 1/3rd)
/\    Monday August 15th, 2005  /\   "We can't afford to go on vacation because we have insurance!!!"







Day 34:  --

Crappy sports column: Day 3. Cleaning up the Aftermath.

Since apparently umpires have no intention of calling the strike zone by the rule book, and the notion of raising the mound seems too drastic, to give something back to the pitchers, I propose the easiest thing to do is to widen home plate.

From this, some suggestions say add an inch on each side of the plate, while I say increase the plate size by 50%.  I personally think home plate is too small.

There of course, will be those in the camps of "the pitcher's deserve nothing & leave things the way they are", those who have similar ideas, and those who think "this is a stupid column and a waste of time".  

At least from the 130+ games I've seen this year, I'm seeing a lot of close pitches not getting called. And even right now, during the Twins / Sox game, MIN w/ the bases loaded, 1-2 count, Contreras pitches it knee-high, right off the outside part of the plate. Looked close enough to be a strike, but called a ball. Next pitch, 2-RBI basehit.

I mean, if the umps aren't going to call it like it is in the rule book, what else is there left to do?

I'd like see the HR's and ERA's go down even more. A wider plate would lead to less pitches, more innings for starters and quicker games.

It's because I'm sick and tired of strikes not being called that end up leading to more hits and rallies.  Since the umpires absolutely refuse to expand (or properly call the Rule Book zone) vertically, then the only thing left is horizontally.  I favor pitching and think 2-1 games are much more exciting than 10-8 games.  And it seems like every new ballpark being built (sans Detroit) is favoring the hitters and it's getting obscene.  And hopefully a bigger strike zone will make the batter go for singles and doubles instead of having the comfort of a tiny strike zone to tee-off on homeruns.

-o-

What's wrong with the Chicago Bears? The only problem is piss-poor coaching, and a stupid coach with no coaching experience demands that they practice too hard and insist they end up getting hurt in practice / pre-season.  They had like half of the starters get hurt in preseason last year and it ruined everything.
Then Lovie demanded that the rest of them got hurt during the season, like your Azumah's, your Urlacher's, your Mike Brown's, your Rex Grossmen.  And he inexplicably decided to cut / traded all of our wide recievers, which made absolutely no sense whatsoever.  Plus we had a shitty kicker in Edinger who decided he didn't want to kick for points anymore.

-o-

Sox game 8/16
Some of the worst officiating I've seen all year. Seriously, this crew was watching another game. You have to wonder how these guys are qualified at their jobs. And the calling at the plate was one of the worst I've seen all year.

Bunch of blind dumbass idiots. I can't say enough bad things about them.

Seriously, I don't know how the Sox batters didn't take a swing at home plate ump's chest tonight.

-o-

Theory:
Will Ozzie finally admit he doesn't know what he's doing? Sometimes I think I could manage this team better. I think Ozzie's lineup making process is of throwing darts on a board, pulling names out of a hat, MVP Baseball video game playing or an Ouija board.
/\    Tuesday August 16th, 2005  /\   "I am not fat like that mother on Home Improvement!"







Day 35:  --

It's 10am in Miss Teacher's Kindergarten class.

Teacher: "Alright, class.  It's art time!  I'm going to pass out some drawing paper.  Now take out your art supplies and let's draw & color a scene of you and your family together! Have fun!"

Young Jeffery pulls out his box of Grayola fat markers and opens it.  He picks out a green marker, pulls off the green cap and immediately begins sucking on wet felt-tip end of it.

Jeffery: **suck suck**

Nobody seems to notice.  Everyone else continues to draw.


8 minutes later.


Jeffery: **puts down marker & raises hand & smiles** "I need to go to the bathroom."

Teacher: **takes notice** "Jeffery!  Why are your teeth so green?!"

Jeffery: **says nothing** **picks up the green marker & goes back to sucking it**

Teacher: "What are you doing???"

Jeffery: **looks up** **goes back to sucking marker**

**Teacher backs away and heads to the office.**


3 1/2 hours later.


Jeffery's parents arrive at the school for a Parent / Teacher conference & Miss. Teacher informs his parents on what the situation is.

Teacher: "Why does Jeffery keep doing this?"
Mother: "We have no idea at all."

Teacher: "He keeps sucking on it, like it's a popsicle or something."

Mother: "uh oh."
Father: "i TOLD you we shouldn't have breast fed him!!!"

Teacher: "How long was this going on?"

Mother: "oh I don't know.... about 3 1/2 to 4 years....or something."  **looks around in a rather guilty & nervous and twitchy matter**

Father: "i TOLD you that you were crazy!"

Mother: "I don't know! I don't know anything!"

Father: "she DIDN'T believe me when everyone else objected, too!"

Teacher: "Oh dear. **deep sigh** I'm afraid Jeffery is going to grow up with an infatuation with women's breasts."

Mother: "Nooooooooo!"

Teacher: "He's going to go around, viewing women as sex objects, poking breasts and going "beep" during childhood, then will start borrowing friend's nudity magazines and hide them between his bed mattress during his teen years, then eventually have a computer full of naked porn, while physically and mentally abusing women during his adulthood years; jumping from relationship to relationship, cheating on one after the other; cheating on the cheater, etc etc."

Father: "i TOLD you about this, wifey!"

Teacher: "Then eventually he'll become so obsessed with women's breasts that he'll be thinking about other women while making love to the first of his 3 wives."

Mother: **looks the other way** "Well I didn't know this was going to happen!!!"

Teacher: "Actually, it's been written in almost every child psychologist behavior book.  It's pretty much a standard."

Father: "you've BROKEN our son, wifey!"

**All three look over at Jeffery sucking on a purple marker like there's no tomorrow**

Teacher: "I'm sorry, but you have a very heterosexual and awful son...or a very gay one."

Father: "no POPSICLES in our freezer!  Ever!"

Mother: "Well we were going to sign him up for dancing lessons in the summer."

Father: "oh NO! No! ARRRRRRRRRGH!"   **puts hands on forehead**

Mother to Teacher: "Oh you are so full of crap, anyway!  I refuse to blame myself for this!!"

Father: **to wife** "you ARE crazy, woman!" **to Teacher** "you SEE what I have to deal with??"

Teacher: "I suggest some psychologist visits for Jeffery, plus a very expensive medication plan, plus several months of...."

**child shouts from classroom** "Jefferyyyyyyyyyyyy give me back my bottle of glue!!!!!!!!!"

Teacher: "that's.... not a good sign..."

Father: "oh GOD no!"


END
(16)
/\    Wednesday August 17th, 2005  /\ "Hello, President Smith? We need to expel Alex Keaton."







Day 36:  --

"our # 1 pick is the last guy to be signed.  He's young, a troublemarker and shady character.  he wants way too much money and has missed training camp, pissed off his teammates and the fans.  But he's in shape, ready to play.  And now he has been signed while management caved in to his demands.  The coach promptly benched him for the entire season." ~fiction by Dolph Rudager

hey, how about some good news on tv, eh?  I'm sick about hearing of the war, houses burning down, car accidents, crimes, drugs, power outages, crooked mayoral politics, up-close footage of disgusting medical stuff.    That's supposed to be news?  Sounds like a gory depressing maddening shit-fest.  People wonder why people are so negative all the time, but it's because of what we read & see. 

There's two happy memories from 6th grade that I remember.  One, was the video we watched in Science class that talked about stuff, that included a slow-motion closely-focused well-lit part of somebody sneezing, and the millions of drops of saliva and mucus flying from the mouth.  Everyone in the class went "ewwwwwww" while I was the only one who laughed.  That was a great video.  You'd be amazed on how fast a sneeze travels and how many germs are in it.  Long story short: don't you fucking dare sneeze around me.  The second happy memory was during a Science class project presentation.  This blonde haired girl named Amy or Annie was somebody I did not like at all and she annoyed the hell out of me.  She was giving her project presentation, and while in my seat, I kept looking around to everybody, vividly giving the "2-thumbs down" motion with my arms flailing, while whispering but moving my mouth as much as possible saying stuff like "awful!" "horrible!" "worst project in class!" "terrible!" "what a pile of crap!".  I also shook my head and eventually the teacher saw what I was doing and yelled at me during the presentation.  I also got yelled at after class, but I really didn't care because I really hated that girl.  You know that theory that "boys tease girls they like" ?  Well that was never true for me.  When I picked on, mocked, ridiculed or spat on girls, it's because I really hated them and was really annoyed by them.  I don't have this sick "love and hate" sickness that some people have.  

I watched "The Office" marathon tonight on NBC.  What a great show.  It stars Steve Carell and combines good scripted comedy along with good comical acting.  You better watch it this fall on Tuesdays.

I'm still debating whether or not to revamp the column once baseball season is over.  Of course it's always fun to design new stuff, and it depends whether or not I'm going to do football scores again this year in light of Rex Grossman and his annual thermal breakdown.  And you know what the best part is?  I won't have to go back and update all the old entries with the new look! ;)  Sounds like a bunch of unnecessary busywork to me. 

I haven't worked on my ode to vans poem or listened to any music.  Stuck waiting for Sgt Pepper's.
/\    Thursday August 18th, 2005  /\    "you're a bad quarterback."

Day 37:  --

Father: **quoting from essay** "And that, was the greatest story ever told." Can you believe I was only 17 when I wrote that??"

Young son: "I didn't like it."

Father: "You know we could have aborted you!!!!"

Young son: "But you didn't!  Hahahaha!"

Father: **grump grump grunt** "We should have!"

Young son: "Ha ha, too late now!"

Father: "We should dump your ass off at a Catholic boarding school.  Those nuns would break your fingers 6 ways to Tuesday."

Young son: **takes a sip from a glass** "Hahaha, chocolate milk rules!!!"

Father: **eyes grow wide & is now fuming**


The next day.


Scene: Young son has face pressed against back window of taxi cab driving away.

Father: **waves goodbye** "so long, son!  Maybe we'll visit you Christmas break or sometime!  ....Maybe!" **continues waving and laughing**


END
/\    Friday August 19th, 2005  /\   "if you can find a better cheese, fucking buy it."







Day 38:  --

I think the Bears drafted Benson solely because they knew he wouldn't sign with them (they already had Thomas Jones & Adrian Peterson) and who the hell wants to pay some troublesome piece of shit punk MORE money (he wants $40 mil instead of $30 mil).  Pretty shitty to ask when you've never gained a yard in the NFL.  I think the Bears used this loophole to make sure they wouldn't have to throw the money at a high draft pick.  Tho it's not uncommon for teams to trade away high picks so they wouldn't have to pay a much higher salary.  But the Bears are cheap (even tho they butchered the living hell out of Soldier Field & ruined it) they now have their competitive revenue. 

But of course, it's the Bears, home of the 32nd (and worst) offense in the NFL last year.  And of course, there's no Rex Grossman, so it's up to Hutchinson, a like 10 year career backup QB who really sucks & holds on to the ball too long and gets sacked like ever 3 downs, then rookie Orton (ORTON!) who I think should start anyway, and then there's the old Blake guy, who QB'ed on the Cardinals andjustforgetit.  I could see the Bears finishing 6-10.  Apparently other Bears fans are predicting 11-5 to 9-7 finishes.  Yeah, right.  I don't think so.  But it's also my prediction that the NFC North leader will be 8-8.

This week's fantasy gamble:  on Sunday, on which pitching staff will earn more points: Oakland playing the Royals, or Randy Johnson against the losing White Sox.  I picked Oakland.  Let's see on Sunday's column if it was the right call.
/\    Saturday August 20th, 2005  /\   Name: Ass Man Email: [email protected]







Day 39:  --

I was watching an early episode of "Family Ties" the other day and I heard the highly confounding original lyrics to the theme song.

**Family Ties theme music: early 80s guitar intro**

**singing begins**

male:  "I bet we own a million acres of opium....."

female: "And I bet we will own, a million morrrrrrre."

male: "Like a 'roid ragin' bull charging thru the streeeeeets of Pamplona.."

female: "it runs through our veins, and we're higher, than ever beforrrrrrre!"

Together: "What would we dooooo, baby? .... Without drugs?"
Together: "What would we dooooo, baby? .... Without drugs?"

male: "And there ain't no not can't un-not ain't nothing we won't shoot up...."

Together:  "oh what would we do, baby.... lots of...drugs, see... oh la la la."


END.

Don't do drugs.
/\    Sunday August 21st, 2005  /\   "Hey woman!  Get away from that steering wheel !!!"







Day 40:  --

Thoughts and fragments:

I think the Bears should start Orton (ORTON!) in the final two exhibition games and start him for the season.  Better start him now than in Game 6 when the team is 1-5.  And if he gets hurts early, so what?  It's not like we really cared anyway.

-o-

Peggy Hill is the most despicable mother in the history of television.  The character is extremely self-involved, thinks she's smarter and better than anyone else, has a huge ego, and is actually an extremely dumb and poorly educated person, which makes it funny because she views herself as an intellectual &  a substitute teacher.  And she's also slow, has big, ugly hideous size 16 feet, an ugly face with 1980s old lady glasses and mispronounces almost all of her Spanish despite being a Spanish teacher!

-o-

Cell phone towers.  People are bitching because they're running out of space to put them, and are resulting to putting them on schools, firehouses and churches, (and even near Old Faithful at Yellowstone.  Just horrible.) which is pissing off a lot of people because of "the children" (blah) and they think the low frequency radio waves are harmful, which is entirely possible.  There is over a million of these things in the country now and while I don't notice them anymore, they are polluting the landscape.  Funny how we traded from small pay phones to over a million cell phone towers taking up much more space.

-o-

I was watching "Cheaters".  You know, that show where somebody thinks their bf/gf / spouse is cheating on them, so Cheater's sends their licensed investigators to spy and film some incriminating footage of deceit.  Then they get in the van (just a mini-van, tho) tailgate on the cheating bastards, then they pop out of the van and run towards the cheater and cheatee, while showing the incriminating footage on a hand-held digital camera.

Unfortunately they repeated an hour long episode that I just saw like 2 weeks ago, and it was the one of this skinny small guy who's skanky blonde gf was cheating on him, and he chased her other bf into a porta-pottie and tipped it over while the cheatee was hiding in it (you can imagine how he looked).  Then the skinny guy tried to beat up the urine & fecal stained cheatee, but the skank jumped on his skinny back and kept screaming "leave him alone!" and the skinny guy was paralyzed.  You know what I would have done?  That's right: fallen backwards right on top of the skank with all of my weight and crushed her ribcage, then go chase the guy and kick the shit out of him, only to say afterwards, "you can have her!"

Baseball edit: Yankees pitching staff:  4 points - Athletics pitching staff:  15 points.
/\    Monday August 22nd, 2005  /\   "who the hell ever heard of a Jewish garbage man??!"







Day 41:  475. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band -- 533. I want you (she's so heavy)

It's a slow Monday.  Nothing much about Mondays, other than lasagna and sarcasm. 

And yeah, the new nacho cheese Doritios do taste better than the old ones.  They don't have that "burnt" taste to the chip anymore.  It kind of has more of a "popcorn flavor chip" than a tortilla chip.
/\    Tuesday August 23rd, 2005  /\   "Chicken-ear-in-my-food Blues."







Day 42:  534. The Beatles - Here Comes The Sun -- 564. The Beatles - Komm, Gib Mir Deine Hand

Man, how in the hell do you throw a 1-hitter and still LOSE???  Well apparently, that's what happened to Freddy Garcia tonight.  In a game dubbed by both Sox and Twins fans as "the game of the year", Santana held the Sox to 3 hits in 8 innings, while Garcia had a no-hitter thru 7 innings until he gave up a homerun in the 8th, and finished with only giving up that one hit. 

Now I've seen games like these, I've seen pitchers throw 1-hitters and no-hitters and lose the game, pitchers losing after pitching 10 innings.  It happens like every other year.  But it was the first time in the Sox' 102 year history that the pitcher lost a 1-hitter.  And after getting only 3 hits, you can understand my pessimism when suddenly a 15 game lead has been chopped in half to 7 1/2 after only a week. 

The same thing is happening to the White Sox as the 2000 team: busting out of the gates strong, building a huge lead; taking all of the thrill away from a close divisional race, then faltering down the stretch and an early exit in the playoffs.  Not that I don't see the "ingenious of Ozzie" putting a .216 hitter at lead-off (especially when you got the biggest prospect in years who plays LF too just sitting on the bench) but pinch-hitting Iguchi who's hitting like .280 for a .216 has to be the stupidest move Ozzie has made in his entire career.  His excuse?

"Timo have experience (insert laughing, broken English) and he (inaudible) know (gibberish) what to do bloo, hahahaha (insert profanity about player / insert inappropriate limerick of friend in the most obscene way) hahah!", says Ozzie.

Man, it would be so funny if the Sox didn't make the playoffs.  Then they'd fire Ozzie's ass.  Tho knowing how cheap Reinsdorf is, he wouldn't do anything, since he refuses to pay for a real manager.
/\    Wednesday August 24th, 2005  /\   "you can have it. i ain't got no one left to hit anymore."







Day 43:  565. The Beatles - Long Tall Sally -- 628 - The Beatles - No Reply

130...
#131 pitch lead to doom!   2 on, 2 out, 2-2  1-0  Furcal hit off of Lee's glove, both runners score.  Prior throws some more, Furcal steals 2nd, his 38th of the year (get him, White Sox!) on pitch # 131, basehit to left field, 3-1 Braves.  Prior leaves the inning, and will not get his 10th win of the year.  Pretty shitty that your ace pitcher doesn't have double-digit wins when it's almost September.  And I don't think any team who's almost 20 games out of 1st place, has a sub-.500 record but is only 7  games out of the wild card has any right to play in the post season. 

So you Cubs fans can have your Alaska-hermit mole weatherman Tom Skilling signing your "Take Me Out To the Ball Game" circus farce and your millions of extremely fat and ugly fans while packing in a shitty dump of a stadium like sardines while paying higher ticket prices every year to watch a team get worse and worse.  Plus you have a West Coast manager who yelled at the Cubs fans for booing an ex-Cub and told the fans to stop doing that because "it wasn't good for free agents who want to sign with the team", and you have a bastardized version of a stadium that's looking less and less like it used to every year with its bigger electronic scoreboards and LCD's and its bleacher & seat expanding and its homeplate advertising.

Ah-haha, Corey Patterson just struck out on a pitch 8 feet up and out of the zone for a 3rd time this game, and of course the fans are booing him.  He's dead.  The Cubs will have a new outfielder next year.  And Aramis Ramirez is hurt, while running to 1st base, he hurt his left quad and tripped over the bag and landed on his face.  That's probably another trip to the DL for him!  It's probably better the Cubs stop playing their regulars so they can stop stringing along their fans into thinking they still have a chance at the playoffs.

Haha!  Kyle Farnsworth just pitched 1 1/3 innings to earn a save against his former team!  Struck out Burnitz on a pitch in the dirt after going 3-0.   Struck out Burnitz and Perez on back to back 3-2 pitches after starting with 3-0 counts!  And he struck out the side!  Braves win 3-1 and they finish their Cubs season 6-1 against the Cubs.

This has been "Cubs Suck" column # 167.
/\    Thursday August 25th, 2005  /\   "Then I find, I got the wrong medication."







Day 44:  --

Jesus christ football players sure are fat fucking tards these days.

In light of two more morbidly obese football players croaking this week, it's been pointed out that like 10 to 15 years ago, there was only like 12 players over 300 pounds, and today there's over 445 of them.

Apparently these kids are being told by these asshole coaches (there's only one kind of coach) that "bigger is better".  It's an alarming trend.  It's disgusting to see these player's fat guts hanging out, flabbing around in the wind like some leaf fluttering from a tree on TV, and it's certainly not very healthy at all. 

But of course, that's football.  Players are just nameless machines with numbers that have to stop, crush, kick, poke, break, snap, trip, hold, cut, burn, seize and run up the score to cover the point spread and pad the statistics.   Just pieces in the engine known by a mascot.  Coaches have no respect or regard for their opponents or own players.  Their lives are meaningless to them, other than another paycheck come Sunday.

There's a few rules I have: "bigger isn't always necessarily better" and "less is more".  This applies to food, uniforms, taxes, automobiles, movies, music, possessions.  This travesty of course happened in football, when one day somebody was 240 pounds while his opponent was 230, then eventually it just kept progressing higher and higher to the point that "300 is the standard".  I'm sure there's somebody in the NFL that's over 400 pounds, and I'm sure in our lifetime, we'll see somebody turtle-sprint to the field at 500, then eventually Sumo wrestlers will take the field, and then dying on the field will be the norm. 

Some people might say this is why College football is better: players are smaller, therefore are faster and makes the game more exciting.  The NFL is a sorry state these days.  Everyone is so fat and old and slow, bitching about contracts and ego's and pot tokers, plus the league has so many rules they try to take all of the fun out of it.
/\    Friday August 26th, 2005  /\   "I don't recall there being a U2 song shortage"







Day 45:  629 - The Beatles - No Reply (Demo) - 713. The Beatles - Not Guilty

Double hat-trick!

The White Sox won, and knocked up Seattle 19-year old phenom Felix Hernandez  not only from a 2-1 lead, but to a no-decision, and the Sox won in the 12th inning on Tadahito's HR.  Brian Anderson (who I said should be starting) started in CF, ended up going 3 for 4 with a sac in the 12th to move the game winner to 2nd base.  He finished the game with two homeruns, one, a solo shot they put the Sox up 1-0, then again in the 7th with a 2-run homer that cleared the 388 wall in Seattle (it went at least 395'). 

The Cubs/Rusch gave up 7/5 runs and lost (despite McKeon leaving his long-haired hippie pitcher Jason Vargas in too long where the Cubs put a 5 spot on the board in the 6th (just like I imagined while watching this game).   Hippie was in too long, but the Marlins held on and beat the Cubs!

Then, for the double hat trick (winning wasn't necessarily the main thing) the Bears were down 12-3 thanks to Hutchinson's 2 interceptions and his shitty overall play.  Orton "ORTON!" went on a 78 yard drive and threw a TD pass to make to 12-10.  As "Da' Coach" said, "it was like night and day,"  Then Blake, with 3:30 left, lead the Bears to a 4th quarter TD (failed 2pt conversion) The Bills tried to score with a minute to go, but ran out of time and the Bears won.  Surprisingly, the Bears are 5-0 all-time against the Bills at home and are 3-1 in the preseason.  The best thing is Hutchinson sucked so bad that it's obvious he won't be the starter at all, unless Lovie Smith truly is that fucking stupid and is the football version of Dusty Baker.   Orton seriously threw with accuracy and speed.  And most importantly, he made good decisions, didn't make stupid throws or get sacked. 

Hutchingson:
3/14 CM/AT.  33 YDS.  2 INT.  1 sack.  one 1st down

ORTON!
7/11 CM/AT.  74 YDS.  1 TD.   0 sacks. five 1st downs

So that's: 1. Cubs lost.  2. Cubs starter got the loss.  3. M's starter got no-decision.  4. White Sox win.  5.  Hutchinson absolutely sucked.  6. Orton started the 3rd quarter and orchestrated a TD.
/\    Saturday August 27th, 2005  /\   "and then she said, it's time for bread."







Day 46:  714 - The Beatles - Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da (Anthology v.) -- 806. the cars - lust for kicks

Well kiddies, it's Fantasy Football time again.  So get to your websites and start clicking your picks.

Once again, as always, the biggest burden is not the playing of the game, but finding the perfect team name.  There's always the option to use a local name and a mascot name, or just a long mascot name.  Here's some names I came up with:

College: Desolation University.  Scalping Injuns.  Perfidious Praetorians.  Desolation Profiteers.  Howling Monkeys. Extortion University.  Rioters.  Screamin' Banshees.  Blackmail University.  Riverside Bacon.  Fightin' Whiteys.   Howlin' Monkeys.  Fecal Hurlers.  Kegtown Illiterates. 

NFL: Obese Racehorses.  Obese Greyhounds.  Adipose Slugs.  Crackerville Lipids.  Milwaukee Blue Ribbons.  Impassive Attack.  Greenville Shamockery.   Team Lard.

Sometimes there's a problem of having too many good names, too.  Of course, the first few were the first that came to mind.  And for the Obese Rackhorses / Greyhounds logo, it would feature the animal lying on its stomach with its legs spread out with an overall tired composure.
/\    Sunday August 28th, 2005  /\ "THE START OF THE GAME IS BEING DELAYED DUE TO CONSTIPATION"







Day 47:  807.  The Cars - Got A Lot On My Head -- 686. The Yardbirds - I'm Confused

Untitled album of songs for prison folk.

You're Going To Hell When You Die
I'm Running In The Fields
I'm Drinking In The Bar
Capital Punishment Blues
I Beat The Law (Breakin' the Law)
Sleepin' At Home Tonight
Feel The Surge (electric guitar version)
I'm Walking In The Park
Build More Prisons
Life Without Shackles
Grass Stains On My Jeans
I Touched Her Provocatively (The Wife Song)
Bread and Water blows (That's Why I Eat Steak)
No Need For Soap On A Rope
You're Going To Hell When You Die (reprise)
I Feel Free ('Cause I am)

Excerpts:

You're going to hell when you die!
You're going to hell when you die!
You're going to hell when you die!
You're going to hell when you die!
Yes you are, that's 'cause you are.

You're going to hell when you die!
You're going to hell when you die!
No time for mistrials....
No time for appeals....
No time for clubbing seals

~o~

Oh yeeeeeeeeeeeeeah!
Feeeeeeeeeeeeeel the surrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrge!
Oooomph!  Oooh!  Yeah!

Feeeeeeeling the tinglinnnnnnng
I feel the burrrrrrrrrrrrrrn
It's so sensuouuuuuuuuuus
You only get one turrrrrrrrrrrrrn

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah!
Ah!   Omp!  Oh!  Yeah!  Ahup!   Ugh! 
Ooof!  Grunt!  Mmmm!  Oh!  Burn!

Chorus
Feeeeeeeeeel the surrrrrrrrge
Feeeeeeeeeel the burnnnnnn
Feeeeeeeeeel the electricityyyy!
It's almoooost your turrrrrrrrrn!
(repeat 8 times with long electric guitar solos)

~o~

Lay down, honey, it's our time.
You took some, and you took some more
Pounding.  Pounding.  Pounding.  Pounding

Release me from my shackle
Button Fly down
Whenever I need it
I had, I had, I had, I had, I had,
I had my way with her THREE TIMES last night!!
And I do declare,
I can have her anytime I want!
Whooooooo!
/\    Monday August 29th, 2005  /\    "hare krishna, Kartina!"







Day 48:  889. Derek and the Dominos - Layla -- 902. The Clash -  Train In Vain

As for the music, I've gone through the Johnny Cash 1968 Live at Folsom Prison album, the first two Clash albums, then some Cream / Clapton solo stuff.  And of course, the Beck album "Mellow Gold" Most of the Cars early stuff, and of course, Ziggy Stardust.

Ok!  The Bears signed Benson!  Alright!  We now have an above-average running game, excellent defense and a decent kicker for once!  (not some stupid jackass who turns 270 degrees to kick).   Plus Orton (ORTON!) is now the starter for the Bears, so that means with our easy-ass schedule, the march to the playoffs with a 7-9 record is now set in place! 

What a sorry state the NFL is in these days.  I'm pretty sure we'll have an 8-8 playoff team or two this year.  The NFL would just absolutely love it if every single team finished 8-8 (which they could if the home team won every game).  If there wasn't anything more bogus about 4-team divisions, I'm sure the NFL would relish the chance to expand the league to 36 and have 12 divisions of 3 teams.  They could stick teams in L.A., Anaheim, Portland and Milwaukee.  Or stick another team in Chicago, New York, or Boston / Hartford (or god forbid, put teams in Canada).  Because what's better than 12 playoff teams?  16 playoff teams!

I dunno if you saw tonight's football game (I'm positive you didn't) I saw the last few minutes of the Rams / Lions game, while the Lions showed off their new "traditional" black alternate uniforms (which is now the Thanksgiving jersey since the NFL killed that idea).  What can I say?  The sleeves have like 20 stripes, the collar & numbers with 4 outlines.  All 1,000 fans that showed up agreed that they looked as good as they played, which they lost 37-13.

And I don't think the Saints be playing any home games in New Orleans this year.  And what happens in this situation, is the home games are moved to be road games, and the revenue is switched around.
/\    Tuesday August 30th, 2005  /\    "stairs are just accidents waiting to happen."












Day 49:  --

And I say, if the Cubs really want to market themselves even more, they should sell the Ivy wall leaves in special sealant preservative plaques with a Certificate of Authenticity.  Sell single leaves or small branches, anywhere from say, $20 to $100 ($20 for shipping * handling of course).  And where do the leaves go when they die off in the Fall?  They just float around?  They get raked & recycled?   Why not sell them?  If they can sell 3-cents worth of rubber as a $5 bracelet, what Cubs fan wouldn't relish to have a framed Ivy leaf hanging on the wall in their den in their baseball collection? 

Other Cubs marketing ploys:

Grass that gets ripped up & replaced by new sod to be sold to fans.  I could see fat-Joe now: **pointing** "You see that chewed-up patch over by the Oak tree?  That's from the field of Wrigley!"  They could sell it for like $5 a square yard.

Abolish any foul territory left in Wrigley & replace with seats.  You build the seats right up to the foul line & around the home plate circle.  What Cub fan wouldn't relish the chance to push Albert Pujols down while he runs to first base?

Since bleacher expansion seems to snag and has disappointed & frustrated Cubs management, thanks to their arch nemesis: the Neighborhood surrounding them, there's only one option left now for expansion:  tear off the upper deck roof and build a 3rd deck.  I doubt most people would notice or even care, and this would bring another 12,000 to 15,000 fans per game. 

Sell vials of the infield dirt, or Nomar's used Gatorade cup!  Hell, sell anything the players touch, use or discard, like say Derrek Lee's broken shoe lace.  Or why not have a contest where Cubs fans pay to be a beer vendor for a game!  Then there's the inevitable introduction of the black alternate uniform and cap, as well as two more home alternate jerseys and a sleeveless vest, complete with 5 caps to choose from.  Management must suck every dime and nickel it can from the fans.  The madness must never stop. 

The most obvious "duh" ploy:  Raise ticket prices!  There is no limit to how much a team can charge for their seats!  The Cubs have only the second highest ticket prices in baseball, and with a losing season upon us, they're due for another ticket hike and somebody has got to be first!   I'm sure we'll see $75 bleacher ticket prices in our lifetime.  Ironic that the seats were only 75 cents some 30 years ago.  Cubs fans don't mind to pay a few more dollars every year.
/\    Wednesday August 31st, 2005  /\    "that fat chick just broke my spine."







Day 50:  903. Alice Cooper - Caught In A Dream -- 940. Alice Cooper - Never Been Sold Before

This was a long time in the making.

Chandler:  **commenting on some stranger in the room** "You're a lawyer AND an accountant?  Could you BE.....anymore.... of a Jew??"

Ross: "uuuuuuuuh, uhhhhhh I don't like your anti-Semitism.... **whiiiiiiine** "

Chandler: "Could you BE, anymore, of an annoying wuss?"

Monica: "Chandler, stop it!  Shut up and listen to me!  I am your wife!  Do as I say!"

Chandler: "Could you beeeeee, anymorrrrrrrre, of a bitch?!"

Rachael: "I like clothes!  **loses balance** Whoops!  I don't know what I'm doing!  Haha!"

Chandler: "Could you BE, anymore, of a tedious floozy?"

Joey: **barrages into the room** "Look at me!  I'm Chandler!  Could I beeeeee ...anymorrrrre.... of a self-righteous asshole?!"

-o-

Yeah, this is one of those "meet the deadline columns".  Apparently the 10pm "Friends" will be replaced with "Sex and the City", so that'll probably make up some terrible columns, too!
/\   Wednesday August 3rd, 2005  /\   "The Catania Diet: million$ in the making."







Day 22:  --

Here is the infamous "most offensive thing I have ever written" script.  Inspiration for this came from a scene I saw on "Everybody Loves Raymond" tonight, where I took an actual moment, and made it up from there.  Those familiar with the show will get the subtle name references.  I tested this out on a select loving group of people, and apparently it didn't shock any of them at all.  I was trying to shock and be as offensive as possible, but to no avail.  I sure have a lot of Liberal friends.  But here it is anyway.

-o-

The Stalone family enters a church where a funeral of a distant relative is taking place.


Wife: "I still can't believe your mother isn't talking to you."

Raul: "I know, I mean, I should be higher than a pilot, but I'm not.  oh there she is."
**approaches mother**

Raul: "hey mommmmmmmm, hey mommmmmmm, hey.. **mother walks away** "ok you walk away."

old man: **smugly walks up to Raul** "christ almighty should you give a rat's ass about your mother!"

Raul:  **smiles** "hehehe eh fuck you."

old man: "What did you say?!"

Raul:  **smiles** "fuck you!"

old man: "You can't talk to me that way!"

Raul: "Can...... and did. "fuck...youuuuuuuuuuuuu!"

old man: "I outta box your ears!"

Raul: "fucccccccck youuuuuuuu!"

old man: "You can't do that!"

Raul:  "oh fuck you, old man!"

old man: "I'm gonna stop you, Big Nose!"

Raul: **smiles** "Heh!  Me first!" **punches old man in the nose**

old man: "what the hell!"

Raul: "Again!" **punches again** "I'll break it 6 ways to Sunday! ..whatever that means."

old man: **winces with pain** "oooooh godddd" **face & hands become stained with blood**

Raul: "hahaha yeah!" **dances like a joker & claps**

old man: "You son of a bitch! I fought in WWII & Korea, man!"

Raul: "ooooo pawn in the war pig machine!  You were just the Government's patsie....!  Took it square in the ass like a woman! You wasted your time!  Suckerrrrrrrrrrrr!"

old man: "I can't believe this!" **fuming mad as hell**

Raul: "That's riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!  you know what I can't believe? I can't believe I haven't punched you a 3rd time!" **punch**

old man: "owwwwwwwwwww!"  **falls to knees**

Raul: "soldier's don't crrrrrrrrry, soldier's don't crrrrrrrrry. Hahahaha!"

Raul's wife: "what....the hell are you doing..."  **watches**

Raul: "just stickin' it to the man."

Raul: **back to the old man** "War is stupid!  War sucks!  Nobody respects what you're doing!  You're wasting our tax payer money!  Stop wasting our money!  Get over yourselves!  Boooooooo!....  where's our free oil??  You people make me sick!  Go to hell!  You people and your business destroy families and ruin lives!  You ruined our lives!  All of our lives!"

old man: "You got a lot of nerve...!  how DARE you!  How fucking DARE YOU!"

Raul: **mockingly starts flapping arms like a chicken** "Oh,  "I need two fucking holidays to show how my stupid legs got shot off!"  It's you're own stupid god damn fault!"

old man: "god, boy... you're dead. DEAD!"

Raul: "war pig! oinnnnnnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!"

old man: "I put my life on the line for Pinko Commies like you!!!"

Raul: "Nobody respects what you did!  Nobody cares, man. NOBODY!  Suck it!"

old man: **to Raul's mother** "Look what your piece of shit son did to me, Louise!"

Raul's mother: "I see you, Hank."   **turns around and looks the other way from Raul's presence**

Raul: "dead souls for nothing, man."

** Raul & wife walk away"

Raul's wife: "I must say, I have never seen you act that way before!  And I gotta be honest.. I'm extremely shocked! but I'm very impressed by the way you stood up to your father!  And I find it rather sexy, roarrrr!" **grabs arm & begins groping it**

Raul: "eh whatever. I voted for Bush."

Raul & wife leave the room.

fade out


writer's commentary: 

Well we sure had a lot of good 'ol fun writing this.  If you're writing for a sitcom, don't be afraid to push across some offensive messages and horrible story lines, and downright blasphemous behavior that would land most people in jail or incite protests, because you can always use the last 10 seconds of the show to say  "Just kidding!"
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