April 2008 - Untitled Daily Column Project

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> Wednesday April 2nd 2008 < "Mr. Wilson wincing in pain: "Oh DENNIS my pneumonia!!""

And now, my 2008 MLB picks. Posted 3/31/08

A.L. West
Angels
Mariners
Rangers
A's

N.L. West
D-Backs
Rockies
Padres
Dodgers
Giants

* - Wild Card

ALDS Angels over Tigers in 5
ALDS Red Sox over Indians in 6
ALCS Red Sox over Angels in 7

NLDS D-Backs over Phillies in 3
NLDS Mets over Brewers in 3
NLCS D-Backs over Mets in 7

WS: Red Sox over D-Backs in 6

Starting in the A.L. West, the Angels can hit, plus they got Jon Garland, who will probably win 18-20 games for the Halos. The Mariners are predicted to be a good team with 90 wins, but it will depend on Bedard. The Rangers have nobody and the A's are a bunch of young and old guys who will probably suck. The A.L. Central, I thought about picking the Tigers, but I find their bullpen iffy and I don't think Dontrelle Willis will flourish in heavy-hitting A.L. and Kenny Rogers is still their #5 starter, so I picked the Indians, whom will have one last run with C.C. Sabathia before he becomes a Red Sox or Yankee. The White Sox have too much talent to finish in last place, but they could finish 4th. The Twins will be hurting and closer Nathan will probably be sitting on his ass a lot after signing that new 4-year deal. The A.L. East, Boston should win that division, and having Schilling on the shelf could help later on, just like it did for Josh Becket & his '03 Champion Marlins. I thought about picking the Jays for 2nd place, but they have a history of injuries, and they have fucking Fat Stairs for christ's sake, but the Yankees can hit the shit out of the ball but have an iffy rotation. I think this may be the year the Rays reach .500, but maybe not. And the rebuilding has officially begun in Baltimore, who could be the surprise team in baseball not to lose 100 games. Just kidding, they will.

The N.L. West is a four-team race, tho I don't think the Dodgers are really going to compete. The D-Backs have the superior 1-2 rotation with Webb & Haren, tho the Rockies do have a young core, tho I don't see them repeating in going to the playoffs. As for the Giants, you have never seen so many happy guys on a last place team. The N.L. Central, if Sheets can stay healthy, the Brewers have a shot, but Fielder's power numbers will drop due to his suddenly urge to be a filthy hippie and become a vegan. 85 wins should win this division. The Cubs, after Zambrano, they don't exactly set the world on fire with Lily, a question mark Dumpster, 2nd Half Melt Down Marques and the to-be 38 year old Lieber. The middle infield is weak, no true centerfielder, Fuckudome is going to need to adjust and Wood is unproven in closing. The Cubs many have a few 3 to 4 game losing streaks. Dusty Baker will absolutely destroy all the young pitchers in Cincinnati, along with a complete lack of fundamentals will keep the Reds from achieving a winning record. The Astros, Cardinals and Pirates will all battle out for last place. The N.L. East is the Mets to lose, Santana could win 25 but they're old and have many injuries. The Phillies have the hitting, but what about the pitching? One more time for the old farts in Atlanta, whom apparently have a new road alternate jersey that's navy with navy script & tomahawk with white outlines and a solid 1969-71 era all-navy cap. You need better contrast than that. Red script & tomahawk or plain white script. The Marlins, eh and the Nationals will be amongst the worst in the N.L.

A.L. Central
Indians
Tigers*
White Sox
Twins
Royals

N.L. Central
Brewers
Cubs
Reds
Astros
Pirates
Cardinals

A.L. East
Red Sox
Yankees
Jays
Rays
Orioles

N.L East
Mets
Phillies*
Braves
Marlins
Nationals

> Tuesday April 1st 2008 < "I survived Kool-Aid."

Season 4 of Hell's Kitchen! A record 15 contestants - 8 men, 7 women. The show starts off with the contestants loading onto a bus. What they don't know, is that one of them is Chef Ramsay in putty makeup, sun glasses and long brown hair wig. So various contestants all start talking smack about how they're going to win, etc, which leads to a Chef Ramsay in utter disbelief. Then the contestants arrive, and Ma�tre d' - Jean-Philippe Susilovic decides to encourage them to do Chef Ramsay impressions, which ultimately leads one long-haired chef in disguise to do his impression of Ramsay to the shock of others, immediately tells them to all fuck themselves, and to prepare their signature dish in 45 minutes.

What bothers me: Vanessa and her stupid lip stud. Craig and his stupid 3 foot high chefs hat, which he says he uses as compensation due to his midget-like being. Now Bobby, who refers to himself as "the General" and "the black Chef Ramsay", sound exactly like the Miller High Life delivery man in those "Take Back the High Life" beer commercials, says "He's the President and I'm the 4-Star General, that's how it has to be!" Very cocky. Fucking Ben has glasses and Fu Manchu! Louross (weird name) is the Asian dude with a mohawk, and he talks like a gansta wannabe whose like 3 feet tall.

First up is Craig and his stupid hat, who sounds like Steve from "Sex and the City". Then is Jen. Her rice is raw and he has banished her to the back to the kitchen because apparently she doesn't know how to cook. So naturally, Jen being a black woman and all, we find out that she comments that "Chef Ramsay needs to read a few books because he absolutely doesn't any idea on what he's doing and he doesn't know who he's talking to!" Jesus christ, give me a break! After the first taste test, I am not impressed with any of these people, and neither is Chef Ramsay with any of their dishes.

More disappointing dishes. Oh my god, Matt's dish: raw venison, raw quail leg, scallops, caviar, white chocolate, capers. Chef Ramsay says "Do you smoke?" and Matt asks "Cigarettes?" and Ramsay says "No." Now Chef Ramsay is violently throwing up. That's the worst I've ever seen. Seriously, what a fucked up dish. "That has to be the worst food combination in 21 years of cooking". Oh dear. Petrozza's dish is hen inside a pumpkin. Happy fucking Halloween. Go fuck off! Man, they're just flying through these! Ah General Bobby. Fried fish! Embarrassingly lazy! Cut the bullshit and get back in line! Well, in the end, the prize Executive chef at "London-L.A.", position worth $250,000.

Teams broken up into Men (blue) vs. Women (red). I'm getting rather sick and tired of all these gender wars on reality shows, they do this shit on the Apprentice, too. Jesus, every one of them smokes! Both teams given info to memorize menus and learn how to make dishes, only the men went to bed to sleep and the women stayed up to study. Both teams do a terrible job in their first time out. And Jason is outside smoking instead of cooking! Oh dear! Lot of Chef Ramsay screaming! Nobody is tasting any of their food they're cooking!! Oh dear, Sharon can't make a proper risotto! Pissing Ramsay off! 45 minutes in, no food has left the kitchen. And now Jason is getting his ass ripped! Ha, Chef Ramsay forcing Jason to sit down and eat the shit he wanted to serve to Hell's Kitchen. It tasted like shit. How embarrassing! Now the women are getting all their appetizers out, and starting on their first entries. But wait, Chef Ramsay has a problem with the chicken one of them cooked! It's plastic dried rubber chicken! And it's thrown against the wall! Fucking rubber chicken! And now people are leaving! They're gone! Shut it down! Ha! Chef Ramsay called Bobby a coward! "Jason, you sunk your kitchen!" "Corey, your chicken bounced and almost left the restaurant!"

Eventually Bobby would lose his "HK" leader shield sleeve patch to Louross, due to absolutely poor leadership and 'refusing to get involved in the 'chaos' ', & Vanessa lost her leader shield sleeve patch to New Yawker Rosann who was busy screaming during her butchering of the English language. All in all, a disastrous night at Hell's Kitchen, guests filled up on bread, took their $50 to $75 check and a belly full of booze and walked out of Hell's Kitchen with no entries served. And now the result, the men's team is the loser, and Louross nominates Bobby and Dominic. 10-year stay-at-home dad Dominic is banished from Hell's Kitchen due to piss-poor service and burning 30 scallops.

FUCKING SHUT IT DOWN!

> Thursday April 3rd 2008 < "it's Sodomy Sunday, everybody!"

You ever take a look at cook & craft maker Katie Brown's website? While she might have a horseface-Sarah Jessica Parker look to her, check out her pic on the home page of her website: http://www.katiebrown.com/ Yeah, a nice, out of focus shot showing off her buck teeth. Also she's wearing a heather grey sweatcoat, making her look a lot fatter than she actually is. Who in the hell would put such an awful pic on their own website?? Ugly degenerate buck toothed people. That's who. Seriously, put a better pic on there.

In light of this, I have decided to launch my own cooking and craft website, called "Dolph Rudager: Keep it simple, stupid." It will contain no pictures, tips or recipes, and will continue to be called the "Untitled Daily Column Project".

> Friday April 4th 2008 < "Trump brand Urine. For all of your urine needs. Are you yearning for urine?"

Well, Tuesday's entry of the season 4 premiere of Hell's Kitchen is finally posted, hence it wasn't an April Fools Day joke (I hate that stupid holiday; internet basically becomes worthless and it's full of stupid pranks and rumors) and it was just due to laziness and a 2nd viewing for a more accurate review. I've been over-stimulated with reality TV, hence the Apprentice just finishing last Thursday night; a whole two hours worth, and my Hell's Kitchen viewing isn't calibrated to start until June.

We have another 'Jumped the Shark' sighting. After last Monday's "How I Met Your Mother" stink-turk with Spear Britney, this time it's NBC's "My Name is Earl" has jumped the shark, with Paris Hilton appearing as herself in Earl's dream, of a sitcom called "The Hickeys" starring him and the people in his life, which this dream sequence happened right after Earl got hit by another car. After somebody's dialog, the camera would point to Hilton, she would say "Oooooh that's hot!" to the camera 3 or 4 times. Lame. Cheap publicity stunt, and they just ruined their show. In the dream, Earl "dies" by leaving the family, while at the same time his real heart rate kept dropping to the point of being almost dead. But Earl decides to come back, but it's too late, the show has died. Bye-bye, Earl. You're dead! DEAD! You and your list, your crazy hillbilly friends and self, which doesn't explain why your parents talk normal but you & the other friends don't. Beep...beep... beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

> Tuesday April 8th 2008 <   "Kevin Bacon's appendix"

Day 2 of Hell's Kitchen. Again, the traditional task of the morning-after opener, where Chef Ramsay gets the contestants woken up early to sift through last night's wasteful dinner like a bunch of barnyard pigs. Thousands and thousands of dollars of wasted food. The challenge was to make as many 6oz Halibut fish filets as possible. Both teams only had 10 minutes to slice up as many 6oz filets as possible. Chef Ramsay inspects them, and in the end, both teams ended up with 41 filets. Now, for the first ever tiebreaker, each team selected one to pick out one of their acceptable filets to be put on a scale. The men picked Ben and his fucking Fu Manchu, and he picked a piece that was 5.9 oz. The women picked Corey and she picked out a rather embarrassing 4.8 oz filet.   Corey is a private chef, you know. The men are rewarded with a day on a yacht with lobster lunch. The women are forced to prep the restaurant. Apparently Sharon, one of the pretty blondes, is fucking up the women's team. Man, Jason is a real chauvinist asshole.

Once again, Petrozza couldn't remember the menu, and Ramsay cusses him out, and Petrozza is now declaring that he is "I'm done". Which that was rather annoying. Heh, Petrozza say "oh it's been 19 years, I'm used to studying, it's really bothering me." And now here comes Chef Ramsay, "Do you think this is Comedy Central??". And once again Petrozza fucked up the menu. Chef Ramsay keeps saying "Quick! Let's go! Can you hurry up??". Haha this is pathetic, Bobby has come to get Petrozza ready, and Petrozza keeps saying "oh I'm done........". Fatass finally got the menu right. Craig and Rosann have been nominated to be the restaurant's waiters this evening. Man, Matt always looks like he's going to cry. It took the Red team 45 minutes to get started on appetizers.

Haha, Craig was carrying a chair up in the restaurant and hit some woman on the back of the head! Now Maitre d' Jean-Philippe is freaking out, telling Craig to go apologize and Craig is all like to the woman "yeah I'm not a violent person" and she didn't seem to be bothered by it. Sharon screwed up again! Heh, Chef Ramsay telling Sharon to put her fucking tongue in her mouth. It took two hours, but finally entrees are finally leaving the kitchen. Ah, high-pitched Ramsay: "WHAT?!" to Rosann, who screwed up the ordering tickets. "This is unfucking believable".

Oh dear! A dish has returned with raw fish!
Chef Ramsay to various contestants: "All of you come here! You suck! You've given up! You're setting the place on fire! And you're sending raw fish! It's fucking cold and raw!"
Jason: "It's not mine ".
Chef Ramsay: " 'It's not mine' How DARE you! It just came back from a table!"
Jason: "Oh, okay."
Chef Ramsay: "SHUT IT DOWN! GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!!"   Fucking classic.

And just like that, the place empties. "Pathetic. Really Pathetic." The losing team is the Red team! Blue team sent out half their entrees. Best of the Worst is Corey. She nominates black Jen because, based on personal reasons, she finds her a distraction, annoying and just plainass fat. Other nominee is Christina (who? I know) Says "for personal reasons, she treats me like a dumb blonde". Chef Ramsay can't believe it. "Oh fuck me!", he says. Everything is about being personal to Corey! And Christina starts crying during her speech to stay. Jen's turn to explain why she should stay, and she goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and. You know, Corey has some lesbian-type tendencies with her butch deep voice, tough muscles and attitude and bandanna. And Chef Ramsay goes against both nominations, and he kicks out Sharon! OH! He does not believe in Sharon! Ha! Corey: "FUCK." Ah, that's nice, pissing off two of your teammates and the Red / women team is divided.

FUCKING SHUT IT DOWN!!!!!!

> Thursday April 10th 2008 < "cut somebody, cut somebody, cut somebody!"

And now, Timothy Bohus's 2008 MLB picks.

al east

boston
toronto
new york
tampa
baltimore

nl east

philadelphia
new york
atlanta
washington
florida

that's right, both wild cards in the west.

wild card:

cleveland over laaoa
boston over seattle

chc over sd
d'backs over phil

lcs:

cleveland over boston
cubs over d'backs (winces)

ws:

cleveland in six

al central

cleveland
minnesota
detroit
chicago
kansas city

nl central

chicago
milwaukee
cincinnati
houston
pittsburgh
st louis

al west

seattle
los angeles of anaheim*
oakland
texas

nl west (the tough one)

san diego
arizona*
colorado
los angeles
san francisco

Ppd.

> Saturday April 5th 2008 < "It's not business. It's personal."

SNL's Cue Card Reading Prodigal Son Christopher Walken has returned to host SNL for the first time since 2003 & is his 7th time hosting. I don't know why Walken reads cue cards, whether to be funny, to prove a point, or blow off rehearsal, but he set off a very dangerous precedent, which unfortunately other hosts decided to phone it in or half-ass a show.

Cold Opening: Bill and Hillary Clinton talk about their 2008 tax returns and how much all the money they've made in the past year, and joking about how the press didn't know how much money they made.. The sketch ends with Hillary saying she won't drop out, not even after Obama's inauguration, and she won't be gracious in defeat.

Monologue: Some Q&A session, which of course Walken wrote himself & decided not to answer them.

Annuale. The once a year birth control. I hate Tina Fey.

Grease Rehearsals. A lot of censorship going on here! That was one cue card love fest, it was. Full of ridiculous replacements of words that sound too dirty for high school musicals.

Office Party. The thing that pissed me off about this sketch was some stupid asshole audience member kept going "ha ha HAAAAA!" after every joke. Awkward convos with Eric & his sexual harassment charges and all. We find that Eric is rather obsessed with Kevin. Wow, Walken totally staring at the cue cards again. He's gonna go choke him!

Laser Cats 3. Eh, I don't care for anything that has laser beams taking over the universe. And once again, Lorne hates it.

Sue is excited. Sue is over-whelmed about being a part of a surprise party. I hate to think of what kind of people Kristen Wiig hangs out with. Awwww, she almost ruined the surprise party. A bit over-done, crashing through a window twice. Point made, but I'd hate to see Sue get her first-ever orgasm.

Weekend Update. It was good. Creepy, but good.

Walkens Reunion. Darrell's Walken by far was the worst. Wow, Fred Armisen's first sketch at the 1 hour mark. This is surreal to see Walken playing "Walken". You ain't drivin', you're walken! Oh that's bad..................

Indoor Gardening Tips From a man who's very scared of plants. Googley eyes on cactus's. This teetered between ridiculous and funny-stupid. Eye contact is very important. It's about feeling comfortable. But it's so quiet.

Top Chef. Reality show. Walken's character flabbergasted by the lack of not being able to use the ingredients he wants to use and doesn't like the time limit, and doesn't know if they said "beets" or "pizza". Suffice to say, due to the confusion and time constraints, this doesn't end well.

Jimmy Carter on Larry King. Apparently Fred Armisen owns the last half hour of the show. Apparently King brings up the idea that nobody actually reads Jimmy Carter's book. Another one-joke sketch.

And a quick goodnight, and show's over. No mention of Kenan recently getting pulled over by the cops in New Jersey for driving erratically and his friend holding dope and all. It certainly felt like an old SNL episode. There's always those few hosts that can make a show really good. I'd give it an 8 out of 10.

> Sunday April 6th 2008 < "CAFFEINE!!!!!!!!!!!"

Hawk Harrelson: "I'll never forget that time I saw Harmon Killebrew hit a 720 foot homerun in Kansas City, and ..."

Dolph Rudager: "Shut up, god damn it, Hawk! You're an idiot! Shut up with the stupid senile stories and the asinine catch phrases & call the game!! You're on TV for god's sake! Have you no SHAME??"

Tension would be very high in the TV booth there. I have a very low tolerance for jackassedery :D.

> Monday April 7th 2008 < "Get some money, and kick some ass!"

Dick Van Patten: "Joanie!! This is what happens when you fuck your father in the ass!!!"

> Wednesday April 9th 2008 < "And the Miami Dolphins #1 pick of 2008 is Kevin Bacon's appendix!"

Wolfman Jack: "Hey you kids wanna get HIGH?!?!?!?"

kids: "YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Wolfman Jack: "Then you do THAT by gettin' on an' flying in an airplane! Wolfman Jack ain't runnin' no pharmaceutical ring! You kids are stupid! You make me want to defecate myself!"

> Friday April 11th 2008 < "Voted most likely to call in radio sports talk show & start screaming"

Food review: it was shit.

For lunch today, I thought I'd have the Burger King Chicken tendercrisp sandwich. I haven't had this sandwich since probably 2004, and I remember it being a real piece of chicken, really thick, tasty breading, and about $3. Today, I find it's a whole fucking $3.90 (the "bargain" meal was $6.00 even), it still came on a corn dusted bun with lettuce, tomato and mayo, but the pattie is a lot different. It still tastes like chicken, tho it's been pounded with a hammer to be about 1/4" thick & 3/8" in general in a 4" by 3" pattie, and after about the 4th bite, the breading starts to turn soggy and lose all flavor. I could have gotten a quadruple Stacker for a quarter more (not that you should). And well, it's not even worth bothering with their $1 chicken sandwich. You might as well eat a pine cone. I will say, I don't mind their original chicken sandwich, which comes like as a 6" sub with lettuce and mayo, and has a thick crunchy crust with some kind of chemical seasoning in the crust and sometimes can be had for a buck with a coupon.

Well shit, the Florida Marlins deal is still not a deal yet, hinging on passage of two critical Miami-Dade County commission votes in July. The Mayor says the Marlin's don't have the 9 votes needed to pass the ballpark management and construction agreements. Well then. If they want to open this thing in 2011, they have to have that passed by July. Otherwise, well, the Marlins will have no home to play in. It doesn't really matter, nobody cares about them or goes to any of their games, and they might as well play in a K-Mart parking lot for all it's worth. I'm sure there's some local minor league stadium they could play in, assuming it's abandoned and all. I don't know, it is a really bad time to be asking the public for money to built a stadium using public funds. Yet somehow, in St. Petersburg, there's actually support for a new Rays stadium right on the ocean a la San Francisco Giants, tho they have a plan to break the lease, tear down the Tropicana Dome and build retail stores on it; a huge luxury for a downtown city, apparently.

> Saturday April 12th 2008 < "so you just had liquor for dinner."

Well all the missing blog entries have been filled in, in case you were in need of more blog. Today the White Sox were victorious, thanks to 7 1/3rd innings of starter Gavin Floyd who threw a no-hitter through 7, and gave up a hit with 1 out in the 8th. A double play would end the top 8th inning with a 1-0 Sox lead intact, and the Sox would add 6 runs in the bottom half in a very soggy and wet and cold U.S. Cellular Field, game temp was around 37. This win put the Detroit Tigers at 2-9 to start to season! Nobody saw that coming. Last night's game, Dontrelle Willis looked like shit, walked the 1st two batters, slipped on the mound, threw a wild pitch 4 feet off the plate and was removed from the game. Ideal situation for the Sox, right? Well, no. Now with a whole lineup full of righties, the Tigers bullpen went to town and the Sox couldn't get shit after the 1st inning, and ended up losing. Tho they say the cold weather benefited the Tigers bullpen more than the Sox hitters.

In other news, the Cubs had that annoying 5 game winning streak snapped, with Carlos Zambrano having another idiot nervous breakdown when he gave up 5 earned runs in a 5-3 Cubs loss. One of these days an opponent is going to hit a line drive right at Zambrano, or at least let go of the bat so it hits him.

> Sunday April 13th 2008 < "I'm Donald Trump, I invented Arby's, Domino's, Quizno's, SNL, the Ocean, the Sun, the Moon, the Universe."

And now, so far the 2008 MLB Turn Back the Clock & special jersey promotion list.

Phillies cream homes - all day games
Indians cream retro home alteranates
Braves navy alternate jersey with navy Atlanta & tomahawk in white trim
Royals alternate blue jersey, blue script / white trim, white numbers & letters w/ blue trim
A's black alternates with white script and forest green & Old Athletic Gold trim
Blue Jays powder blue 1979-88 road pullovers Friday home games.
Padres camouflage for Sunday home games
White Sox camouflage July 4
Reds camouflage July 5
White Sox 1983 home July 20
Rangers 1968 Washington Sentaors road with red / navy trim cursive script May 4
Orioles 1983 home May 13
Dodgers TBA
Mariners "Marineros" May 31
Cubs 1948 home June 12
Padres 1978 alternate June 14 Old Athletic Gold with brown shoulders
Indians 1978 navy June 14
Astros 1986 home with Tequila Sunrise guts
Padres 1978 home white June 27
Mariners 1978 powder blue away June 27
White Sox Half Way To St. Patricks Day September 12. home jersey with kelly green logo & pinstripes with most likely with cheap kelly green New Era velcro strap adjustable cap.

> Monday April 14th 2008 < "I'm Tony LaRussa, I invented baseball."

"In Russia, dope smokes you!" That's my own personal quote. You know when Dolph Rudager gets high, he gets very angry. Getting high is supposed to mellow you out. Well it does the opposite to him and he smokes 60 pounds of weed a day. That's a LOT. Almost too much I think. Maybe??? Perhaps??? Tho I doubt realistically anyone could smoke that much. I don't even know what 60 pounds of weed looks like. Besides, your mouth would dry out and get a blister rash after so many pounds. But 60! And where does he find the time and money for all that???

The other day, I'm like, "Hey Dolph, why you smoke all that weed if you get so angry??" and he responded by throwing a chair at me, that sonavabitch! Pissed me off! Dolph Rudager, too busy smoking his weed and doing his orgies all day long.

> Wednesday April 16th 2008 < ""If you want the Dodgers you have to get past Vin Scully!""

Well apparently the Cubs decision to add lights at Wrigley Field was not (at least not completely obvious to get more revenue, because nobody went to Cubs games back then) but more of a technical one:

March 25th 1985: "An Illinois judge rules that state and city laws effectively banning night baseball at Chicago's Wrigley Field are constitutional. After being forced to give up a home game during the 1984 NLCS, and threatened with playing future postseason games at another stadium in order to accommodate network television's prime-time schedules, the Cubs had sued to overturn the laws."

Of course the whole idea of daytime playoff games and World Series games is moot in this day and age. So essentially going to the playoffs killed the Cubs chances of 81 home games. Tho in the end, they would fight to keep adding more night games, and further more pissing off residents near the stadium, with all of the fighting, looting, vandalism, urine, extra Police, fines and arrests it brings.

> Tuesday April 15th 2008 < "Why can't I get a car in brown?"

Day 3 of Hell's Kitchen! black Jen screaming at the camera, "you can't get ridda me!!!" and now she's screaming at Christina, and now has a personal vandetta towards manly girl Corey. Ah Corey, totally ignoring Christina's crying. Petrozza talking about Corey, about her putting scars on and her "evil tendencies". Alright, it's morning, and everyone is awaken by the sound of chickens clucking! They all each pick up the live chicken, and carry it to Hell's Kitchen. Now Chef Ramsay is saying they're all going to get close and personal. "Time to prepare these chickens", and it seems that Chef Ramsay is going to chop a chicken's head off! Oh dear! Ah, he flinched! "Not THESE chickens, you doughnuts!" and the live chickens have been returned to the pen. The challenge is to cut the raw chicken into 8 pieces in 5 minutes. Looks simple enough. Red team ends up getting 44 of 48 points possible. Blue team didn't even have a chance, Craig totally fucked up his chicken slices, and he ain't no winner! 2 out of 8! And it's over. The punishment is to pick peppers in the hot blazing California sun in a humiliating farmer boys outfit while being transported in a beat-up bus from like the 1960s. And now out on the fields, the men are throwing peppers at Craig!

Now the skanks get to hang out on Sun Set Strip. Oh, they go to a restaurant and there's former contestant Aaron "The Asian Cowboy who Went On Hell's Kitchen Last Season And All He Got Was This Lousy Diabetes". Aaron: "Hey Chefffffffffffff!!!! OMG I LOVE YOU CHEF!!!!!" and starts hugging Chef Ramsay. Oh a bunch of High 5ing going on and skanks on the mechanical bull. Too much Jason dialog: "We're men, we butcher, that's what we do. I'm Jason, I'm fat because I'm lazy, I don't pick peppers". Now the women are scheming against the men. Now it's the end of the day, and the women are in the hot tub, and Corey is trying to lure the boys into the hot tub, she thinking "oh they're attracted to my body!" Really pathetic, quite frankly. Tho only fat Jason is stupid enough to fall for it, and spills the beans, what a fucking traitor. That's bad Karma. And men are pissed at Jason, cussing at him, hoping not to lose. Well, we'll see about that.

Chef Ramsay is demanding a "full service" for tonight. No chance in hell of that happening; not in Day 3. Oh, and now Jason is pissed that he got stuck on desserts, and he doesn't know the menu! Oh dear, back to the dorms to study it! Heh, Craig: "Shut the fuck up, man". Matt: "Don't tell me to 'shut the fuck up', man!" Ah, Rosann put the appetizer garnish in the Caesar Salad! Oh dear, here comes Chef Ramsay and he's pissed! Oh dear! Craig didn't cook any bacon! Oh dear! Chef Ramsay has sent out an order incomplete! How embarrassing! Ah, and Jason is having a nervous breakdown and he's giving up! HAHA Chef Scott is hunched over in disbelief at Jason fucking up the dessert menu. And Jason says he wants to go home 'cause he's done. What's the point of Jason learning the menu, 2 hours into service and they're still on appetizers, they're not going to get to desserts! And now the Blue team is getting held up by Jason's interrogation.

Oh dear! The red team fucked up and cooked some raw meat! Vanessa: "15 years (crying) I've never ..blah blah blah". Rip out that fucking stupid lip stud, dumbass! Then maybe you'll know how to cook meat! Oh dear! Ben doesn't know how to cook salmon! Oh no! Pan on fire in the Red kitchen! "Stop! Stop! Stand back! Stand back! STAND BACK! STAND BACK!" Women are having a little trouble understanding to stand back from the flaming pan! Oh dear, the Red team is scorching 4 pieces of meat! And there goes the flaming pan into the sink! And now Jason is fucking up his desserts. Oh dear! Now Chef Ramsay is banging his head on the counter due to Jason's incompetence! Oh dear! Ben made raw salmon and now Chef Ramsay is pissed off! "What the FUCK is going on??" kickin' them 'ol trash cans around! And now Chef Ramsay is yelling at various contestants: "We've gone backwards!!! You're all over the place! You're clueless! And you don't care! Winning team? Forget it! What's so fucking complicated?!"

And of course, the losing team is both of them, and the Red team nominates Vanessa, who starts crying and crying, and the Blue team nominates Jason, and Chef Ramsay gives Vanessa another chance and Jason is leaving Hell's Kitchen! Chef Ramsay: "Jason, you move like a fucking tortoise giving birth." Ah, he's a man, he doesn't think men should get kicked out of Hell's Kitchen! He was clearly the weakest link. Big fat stupid idiot. The Blue team is more than happy to get rid of Jason, that traitor. And now he's gone. Chef Ramsay: "Now fuck off, will ya?"

FUCKING SHUT IT DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!

> Thursday April 17th 2008 < "The Chicago Unwatchabulls."

Food review: it was not shit.
Watching baseball on the television made me hungry for some ballpark nachos. You know, the kind where the chips are stale and really crunchy and really extra salty, tons of jalapenos and gooey cheese product. Tho I had to settle for a superior homemade version: barely salted crunchy restaurant style corn tortilla chips, spreadable sharp cheddar cheese spread on the chips and a fresh jalapeno pepper, which I nibbled on. It was satisfying, and no stupid idiot degenerate vendors in the way or young annoying sticky people to ruin the experience.

Once again Ted Lilly gets his ass kicked, gives up 5 in 6. Tho it's not all bad for the Cubs #2 starter, he lowered his ERA from 9.95 to 9.16! A lot of sloppy fielding and poor fundaments by the Cubs, and the Dusty has finally beaten the team who hated him. Theriot gets hurt while stretching to hit 1st base with 1 out in the 9th on a great play by Encarnacion which a groundball bounced off of him, went up in the air, waited for it to come down, then spun around and threw to 1st to get him. And apparently Alfonso Soriano hurt himself after making a catch last night, looked normal and then he started hopping. It's a right calf strain that put him on the 15-DL.

> Friday April 18th 2008 < "The Chicago Unwatchabulls."

The review of Day 3 of Hell's Kitchen has finally been put up. Apparently this morning in the lower southeast part of Illinois, there was a 5.2 earthquake around 6am. I didn't feel it. Tho I felt the one that hit in Utica back on June 28th, 2004, which was 4.2 and happened around 1:30am. The ground was a little rumble. I remember this because I knew there was no thunderstorm around and I felt my chair and the ground shaking. Apparently there's a Wabash Valley Seismic Zone in SE / SW Illinois / Indiana, and a New Madrid Seismic Zone in SE MO, NE AK, NW TN and western KY, which apparently has a really high risk of earthquakes, tho nothing as massive as the 1811 & 1812 ones in the New Madrid ones that rattles windows in Washington D.C. that were 8.0 quakes. This IL quake happened 7 miles below the Earth, and the rocks are colder and more solid here, meaning the trembles travel 10 times farther, unlike California, whose faults are near the surface and their tumbled rocks are warmer.

I remember in 1992 or 1993, they were predicting a massive huge earthquake in the New Madrid zone, near St. Louis, predicting that "this is going to be the big one that kills us all", and I remember all this doom that was being predicted, and how it was going to happen at like 8 in the morning. I remember us all laughing on the bus, mocking the earthquake, daring it to be the tough shit it thought it was. Well, it never happened, and it was never heard from again.

> Sunday April 20th 2008 < "neht"

Person #2: "Finish your bottle of soda! "

Person #1: "I can't! I was raised on 16 oz. bottles! It's what I know!"

> Saturday April 19th 2008 < "kicking dicks and ass."

CONTENT GOES HERE!!!!

> Monday April 21st 2008 < ""Pope is devil worshiper" wow..."

Person #2: "You're sure edgy after your can of soda. "

Person #1: "I need more soda! I was raised on 16 oz. bottles! It's what I know!"

> Tuesday April 22nd 2008 <   "oh dear, he got into the niacin jar..."

Day 4 of Hell's Kitchen! Oh dear, no "good night" for the fuckers! Oh dear! And now Vanessa is crying that she can't fail because "this is all I have!" You know, for a chef, she's pretty lousy and sloppy. Oh, and did you know? If you want to be a Hell's Kitchen contestant, you have to smoke cigarettes! Oh no! Instead of bed time, Chef Ramsay is ordering them to clean up that fucking mess! Time passed and the morning challenge: making the most pasta from scratch, and to be passed by Chef Ramsay standards & weighed, and must be hung on a teammates arms to prevent sticking and clumping. 20 minutes. Physically, the men's team would have the advantage. Lot of pasta grinding going on. Ah, Craig is fucking up again! The women: 6.57 pounds of spaghetti, The men: 5.48 pounds of spaghetti. And once again, the women win the challenge. Now the men must prep the restaurant for both kitchens. And now the women get to spend the day at an amusement park. Stupid Vanessa and her stupid lip stud. She looks like an idiot.

Now the men are making fresh pasta for the evening. Oh, and now Ben has been nominated to shovel up animal shit! Apparently the outside of Hell's Kitchen has been turned into a children's Petting Zoo & Playground and it's Family Night. There's children everywhere! And after they're doing jumping on shit, riding horses, feeding goats, they will come inside with their parents for a free dinner and all the booze mom and dad can drink. Craig says "it's pasta, it's not rocket science, like, 'shut the fuck, y'all'". Oh dear, now Chef Ramsay is demanding perfect service! Shouldn't he know better that it's too early for that to happen?? Oh dear! Now Chef Ramsay is demanding Maitre d' Jean-Philippe to take off his tie and open up his shirt.

Tonight's menu has fresh pasta, hamburgers, bbq chicken wings for the stupid brats. Chef Ramsay telling Matt not to serve him raw chicken. Men are having trouble with onion rings. Uh oh, oh no, oh no, raw chicken! RAW CHICKEN! Some kid ate some raw chicken! Matt's getting his ass chewed out! Haha "fucking donkey".   Oh dear! The women set the kitchen on fire! Oh dear! And Vanessa reached for a pan of hot oil all over her hand! It's BURNED!! They're showing it on replay at least 3 times! Off to the hospital! The first team to finish all of their tickets wins. It's very close at the end, 11 to 10. Oh dear! Hockey puck burgers! Oh dear! Chef Ramsay has thrown a hockey puck burger against the wall! Oh dear! Apparently Matt can't cook burgers to order.

Oh dear! Ben has pissed off Chef Ramsay by congratulation each other! Too much screaming going on. Craig just gave the wrong dish! Raw pasta! Raw pasta from Craig! Now Craig is trying to grab Bobby's tongs! Pathetic! And the women finished first. Now they're ordered to the men's kitchen, and the guy's are all "i got it i got it i got it". And Craig can't answer! "How long for the fucking clams?? Oh my fucking god!" And now Craig is trashing the kitchen! That's a bad Craig! Stupid midget. Very pathetic that Craig couldn't cook pasta. Oh dear! Now Chef Ramsay says to Ben, "You really surprise me!" and Ben takes it as a compliment, when it's really an insult of how bad he really is! Best of the worst: Bobby. Bobby nominates Craig and Matt. And there's stupid Vanessa, with her hand all wrapped and surgery on Monday. I would have to say she's done, she can't move that hand. Matt: "Craig was disrespectful to the man's kitchen. He's hopeless. He needs to go next. Craig is a pain in the fucking ass."And Chef Ramsay also calls out for a certain someone to come forward as well to be heard from! And there goes Ben! "I should be fucking embarrassed if I were you".   The person leaving Hell's Kitchen... is Craig! Easiest menu in the history of Hell's Kitchen. Terrible cook, terrible attitude, and everybody hates him! 'Cause he sucks! Dead weight galore. And Craig thanks Chef Ramsay, and "Thank you, thank you, for giving me one big fucking headache!" Look at his picture burn!

FUCKING SHUT IT DOWN!!!!!!

> Wednesday April 23rd 2008 < "It ain't easy being cheesy."

The March 2008 edition of The Untitled Daily Column Project has been archived.

> Thursday April 24th 2008 < "Mr. Wilson wincing in pain: "Oh DENNIS, my ulcer!!""

Secretary: "Night, Mr. Rudager! "

Mr. Rudager: "No."

> Friday April 25th 2008 < "The sign said, "Fuck you all.""

Cracker High was a multi-panel comic strip drawn in pencil in 1996 where two 2-page stories were written & drawn by a creator who still wishes not to identify himself, a small town run by its steroid-taking football team. In a school surrounded by electric fences and barbed wire, under the watchful eye of Principal Ritz (bad pun intended) in his office of his many guns, shotguns, assault weapons, machine guns, grenades and cat-o-nine-tails, to make sure that all the racial tension and riots in his school were kept under control.

The Steroid Using Football players were the working force behind the school, always at high alert, ready to snap at any moment, responsible for most of the chaos in the school, never took responsibility for their actions nor did they have any concept about respect or authority. Living in their own world of no boundaries, thinking this is the most important time of their life, they went about their daily business being that every single moment is absolutely critical to their school and lives, and extremely low tolerance of anything. And then there's the football coaches, who had a game plan of 'win by all means' and whose motto was "Win or Die" and that printed on their caps, are often caught in the middle of their players and their roid rage. The coaches also had no grip on the concept of fair play and good sportsmanship.

Cracker High was definitely a lost American treasure, tho technically they did not consider themselves part of America but rather of some outdated notion of the old General Lee confederacy.

> Saturday April 26th 2008 < "God damn it Miss Betty, you know she poops on my lawn!"

Tonight, I went to Game 2 of the Orioles / White Sox doubleheader, courtesy of Timothy Bohus. Thanks, Timothy! After driving to the train station, we took the Blue and Red Lines to U.S. Cellular Field to avoid the $20 parking, including going over the exact spot where there was an accident on the Red Line in Chinatown the previous day. It was a very windy day, with a persistent 19 m.p.h wind out of the northwest, with gusts at least going as high as 30 m.p.h. As the evening wore on, Mark Buehrle and Steve Trachsel decided to take their sweet time and throw a combined 196 pitches in their combined 9 innings & 348 total, while making everyone at the ballpark shiver to death in a 3 1/2 hour game. It was very cold, like in the 40s with a dampness that cuts right through to the bone. As soon as that run scored, Sox fans got the fuck out of there and skipped the fireworks show. It felt more like football weather than baseball weather.

By the bottom of the 9th inning, everyone was on their feet, trying to get warm while the Sox rally from a 5-5 tie. A few walks and 2 basehits, game winner by Brian Anderson clinched a Sox victory, and probably prevented a riot, as it would had been an absolute fucker if this game went into extra innings. So a very windy game lead to very sloppy play: 4 errors, 5 broken bats, Thome lost one, a few basehit hits off gloves, 34 men left on base and a long game. I have never seen the crowd get into player chants like that, especially with Paul Konerko easily being the favorite, while their cheered old man Thome, Bobby Jenks when he came in the top of the 9th IN A NON SAVE SITUATION, and somehow for the town thug, A.J. Pierzynski. There was also trash blowing around the Cell. And I noticed they wanted $5 now for a plate of nachos. That's just too much for nacho cheese and .20 cents worth of tortilla chips.

For the beer, they had cheap pisswater for $6.50 while 312 wheat beer was $6.75. And when I went to get a 2nd round, they were out of 312, and the tap kept shooting out foam, and the stupid lazy-ass bitches wouldn't change the keg, so I took my $13.50 back and went to my seat. In the gift shop, I noticed they had a lot of 1982-86 era gear, including stupid shit like "faded graphics to make it look aged", and a bunch of incorrect caps and an apparent custom T-Shirt shop, all which I didn't even dare look at the prices. As for the game, I enjoyed booing Joe Crede, and he did fuck up really good (0-for-3, a strikeout, 4 LOB and a doubleplay). That fucker. And I really wish they'd get rid of music at the ballpark. Hearing Van Halen's "Jump" for the trillionth time isn't enhancing my ballpark experience. I think I'll email the White Sox about that, plus the Tribune about lame-ass Liberals who complain about the Score's Mike North in the Tribune Sports section about "How Chicago is a Liberal and we don't need no Rush Limbaugh wanna-be on my radio!" every week.

Ppd.

> Sunday April 27th 2008 < "Start enjoying your debt today!"

Review: it was shit.

Man, that was one of the worst King of the Hill & Family Guy episodes I have ever seen. King of the Hill, which inexplicably got renewed for a 13-episode 13th season and is in the middle of a bumped up 22-episode 12th season. This episode, was about how lousy Peggy's birthdays were in the past, and she got the idea that going on some mystery show that takes place on a train, and everyone which is attendees and actors are required to dress up in Disco era clothes and try to figure out the mystery, which of course proverbial fuck-up Luanne, ends up spilling the mystery right at the beginning, and thus ruining everything. Then come out the Manger Babies (does she have like a crotch pocket or something??) and a lame time is had by all. Then inexplicably, after following Peggy to the bathroom, Hank and Peggy start fucking each in the train's bathroom!! Very out of character for Hank, and they weren't even drunk! Then Kahn gets the idea of finding the mystery of "whose footprint is on the bathroom mirror", which he immediately identifies some fucking has gone on there. Eventually the conductor gets so pissed off that they're all on the floor after Hank made the train stop, thinking they're all having some 1970s-esque orgy, and kicks them off his train in the middle of nowhere, where they all end up at a dirty, rotten filthy run-down biker biker bar, only to where all this angry bikers suddenly spontaneously break out into song and start Disco dancing. It was seriously one of the most lamest cop-out writer slack-off I have ever seen.

Now that brings us to Family Guy. Apparently a 7-year old Brian has a 13-year old son named Dylan. Brian got depressed, and wanted to find his once-hot former soul mate, who we find out is a big fat ugly cow with Harvey Fierstein's voice. What I found obvious is that Brian's ex looked a lot like Peter's ex, seems to be the trend on the show. Stewie made 5 homosexual references to himself on this episode, including a few towards Dylan. I can't believe they got away with that tea bag reference. Stewie is 1 year old, for christ's sakes. It's just a stupid episode that was a total throwaway, and Dylan's disrespectfulness wasn't funny, nor was Brian's overly-mother instincts either who obsess about things to the absolute last detail. It was just bad programming.

> Monday April 28th 2008 < ""Sit, dead dog sit! Good dog." **silence**

Once again, it's time for a progress report on the blog. I'm getting hits about every other day from other visitors, the official counter (which is wrong / not working at times) is around 707 while the blog's external counter has it around 3,367 and even that is low, the Baseball Reference page has been bringing in some visitors, and the biggest blog getter still is the February 2006 entry, where I transcribed two 1 minute scenes from a Family Guy episode, the Tom Brady / Silly Nannys / Brian loses bet to Stewie & beats the shit out of him. That entry, which was recorded from the TV from tape into Windows Sound Recorder, was basically about a 90 minute to 2 hour process. Just for a lousy 2 minutes!! I'd say entry has brought in about 40 to 60 visitors, maybe more. I realize that I could make a killing doing Family Guy transcripts, but man, those are a pain in the ASS. And I don't have closed captions on this TV.

All in all, those who didn't already have the site bookmarked and found the website via a Google search, aside from Family Guy, about 95% of the people who found the site, ended up being unsatisfied and just typed in random words that just happened to bring up my blog. I also noticed that Google has some outdated cache, meaning something people were looking for, it's already archived in a different link. Just like in "Eight Is Enough", where Nicholas got beaten up and punched in the face. Such is life. For more exciting blog news, stay tuned to Wednesday's entry.

> Tuesday April 29th 2008 < "I'm Sam Zell and I hate baseball!"

Day 5 of Hell's Kitchen! Ben doesn't understand why he's getting yelled at all the time. And now the challenge is to make a fancy pizza worthy of Hell's Kitchen fine dining. Apparently Chef Ramsay sells a $200 pizza with white truffles. 45 minutes, for each team member to make a pizza, and then they'll nominate the best one on the team to be judged. And now Matt is bitching about how nobody's talking. Tell Matt to shut the fuck up! And the women pick Jen's pizza. Matt's pizza...what the fuck is this thing, I can't even type out what it is! They rejected it because it was nasty. Matt: "This is bullshit!" And the men have chosen Ben's pizza. Jen's pizza is herb crust, black risotto, sun dried tomatoes, fried basil garnish. Ben: duck, mushroom, onion, cream sauce. Oh dear! The mushrooms are dirty! There's DIRT! Oh NO! And the women have won the task. Oh for fuck's sake, Ben can't even clean a mushroom. That's what fucked the men. And the women's weird pizza goes on the menu. And now the women get to eat a Square One $90 hamburger; the men would later on get shitty McDeath dollar burgers while they were prepping both Hell's Kitchens.

Hahaha Louross is crying! And he was a whiny-ass little bitch while his pizza got rejected and was told it tasted like it came from Pizza Shack. Oh and there's Matt whining about communication again! And now, here are the women, all living it up, getting soft, not practicing in the kitchen. Oh dear, Ben called Louross a bitch! Louross talking shit, little did he know he'd be the one running around the kitchen like a chicken with its head cut off. Hmm... apparently the men were prepping the kitchen for the next day's service. Everybody is going to be eating day and a half old food. And Vanessa has decided to leave Hell's Kitchen! I saw that coming. She quit because "If I'm not 100%, I don't want to be here." She's a quitter! And a failure!

First time ever in Hell's Kitchen, they're offering pizza delivery. Oh dear! Matt doesn't know how to cook eggs! Oh dear! Shayna doesn't know how to cook meat! Beef Wellington is raw!! Oh NO! FUCK! Ben ends up delivering them in some weird 3-wheeled go-cart. Doesn't look like he delivered too many in a 3 hour span. He was seen walking out with about 4 pizzas, with of course didn't know where to go. And he has delivered the pizzas.

Oh dear! Now Chef Ramsay is mocking Rosann by tapping a pan like she's doing! Oh my god! Oh dear! Rosann is screwing up the red kitchen! And Louross can't cook steak! OH dear! Louross seared the steak! It's BURNED. Now Petrozza has a plan. He's cutting off the burnt part! And it works! OH dear! The women have 4 burned souffles! And Christina is bitching for help and nobody wants to help her! Oh, and Chef Ramsay wants Manly Girl Corey to help Christina, but of course she doesn't want to. OH MY GOD. They both completed a service, and now both teams are winners. Each team is now told to nominate one member each. The men nominate Louross, because he has the weakest culinary skills. The women nominate Christina, and now she doesn't trust any of her teammates! Oh dear! Now Jen is shooting her mouth off about how she thinks she will decide her fate in Hell's Kitchen, and Chef Ramsay kindly reminds her "That's MY fucking job sweetheart!" And now Rosann thinks she's a better cook than Christina, despite being told "you completely screwed up your team". HAHA Louross says Matt is the worst, and he does another weird facial expression like his ass is on fire. And sadly, nobody else is leaving Hell's Kitchen tonight. Gotta keep stretching out these episodes. And we learned that Louross is a very weak cook. And there's Vanessa's pic being burned. Look at it burn!

FUCKING SHUT IT DOWN!!!!!!!!!

> Wednesday April 30th 2008 < "Madonna: stupid filthy whore or filthy stupid whore? Film at 11."

Apparently somebody found this blog a few months ago in the April 2005 - Untitled Daily Column Project: and typed in "amputee bus driver". Here is what was of that entry:

Next week: on Amputee Bus Driver....on ABC!
Bus Driver: "I don't care that I had my legs chopped off!! I'm still gonna drive this bus for a living!"

So a sequel to this, would be another sitcom idea I'd pitch:

Next week... on the Amputee Pizza Maker....on ABC!
Pizza dough tosser: "I don't care that I had my arms chopped off! I'm still gonna make pizza for a living!"

I don't know I'd explain how his arms got chopped off (tree shredder, perhaps?) nor do I have any idea on how to explain how he tosses pizza with no arms. Perhaps he's bald. But his name would be Ernest. Or Roger.