April 2005 - Untitled Daily Column Project

-o- Friday April 1st, 2005 -o- Zits on the ass

Well here we are.. a new layout. But I hate this stupid holiday. People trying to pass off their lame jokes as truth. It's hard to take anything seriously on this day without looking like a stupid gullible idiot.

Oh ya, I don't get this obsession with iPods. As if we all don't spend enough time listening to music at our computer or in our cars, but we have to be distracted once again for people to walk around with iPods on the street and risk having them stolen. People getting mugged on the street and subway for their precious iPod. Hey, I wouldn't mind seeing radios, cd players, iPods and especially cell phones banned from all vehicles! Haha! Then what'd ya do?? You'd actually have to use your full-ass and pay attention to the road! Why, accidents and mishaps might actually go down! Talk about Nazi Germany! Sieg Heil!

-o- Saturday April 2nd, 2005 -o-   Doughnut Flavored Soda

Here's an email I found while cleaning out the inbox which I answered every hypothetical question.

Take a moment from your day to learn a few good lessons...

Well, okay..but only if it's for a moment...

Be Brave

I'd rather be beefy...like Beef Frank hot dogs...BEEFY!

..but it's ok to be afraid sometimes.

it takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.

Give lots of kisses.Laugh often.

Kisses?? Lots of kisses? like Hershey Kisses....or smooch-kisses? Isn't anyone concerned about mouth herpes??? Laughing too often: like the happy drunk in a Comedy night club audience

Don't be overly concerned with your weight, it's just a number!

It may be a number, but bathroom scales only go up to 200 pounds! The way people are so fat these days..it wouldn't kill them to skip a meal or two! And besides, the floor isn't supposed to sink down so much around the bathroom scale.

Always try to see the glass half full.

Maybe if people used smaller glasses they'd have more full glasses.

Meet new people, even if they look different to you.

Wasn't the "code of the Schoolyard" to pick on those who are different? And "never say anything, unless you're sure everyone else feels exactly the same way!" ~Homer Simpson

Take an occasional risk.

Risks...like...betting money on NFL games....or risks like...running red and yellow traffic lights and gunning people down who cross the street with your car..... or risk like..."should i get the fish n chips instead of the burger / or should i get the soup instead of the salad??"

Love your friends, no matter who they are.

I don't know if that means "Hippie Peace Love" a la a 3-way orgy or love like not calling them nasty names to their face?

Don't waste food.

Again, that brings up the aforementioned of people eating too much and getting too fat. Yeah, that pizza was awesome and there's one piece left....save it for later..don't make a pig of yourself and stuff yourself stupid. And the general basis is it's impossible to cook without having too much food.

Fall in love with someone..Love someone with all of your heart.

That's easier said than done, Mr. Schotzenhimer! Those who go looking for love will fall flat on their ass. And desperation is never an attractive quality.

Share with friends. There is always someone who loves you more than you know.

I'm not sure what that means, actually... But never say "always"..it's almost as dangerous as the word "never."

True Friends help you up when you're down...True Friends let everyone come along....

I dunno...sometimes friends will push you down and taunt you...and sometimes kick you in the back while you're down...this is of course while playing football. They'll trip you...clip you....punch you in the kidneys... push you out of bounds so you land on your face...or tackle you so you land on your head and snap your neck.. Maybe I shouldn't be friends with those so competitive.. ah..good times.

True Friends will drive you anywhere!.....True Friends never fight like cats and dogs...

So my true friends = chauffeur? SCORE!! "Oh Jeeves...take me to Arby's...and go the scenic route! Oh, there's a yellow light...GUN IT!!" Yeah, only lovers fight like cats and dogs.

True Friends don't Care if you're a lil' different...

They don't, eh? We'll have to put that to the test!

Have Happy Dreams...

Happy dreams, eh?

Make yourself comfortable...

Alright! *undo's belt...unbuttons pants and zipper...takes shirt off, belches** "Ah, that's much better!"

Close your eyes and smile at least once a day

**smiles** YES! I don't have to smile anymore for the rest of the day!

You're never too old...

to...what? what?? sneak into an R-rated movie? Drive on the wrong side of the road? Park in a handicap spot? Get drunk at the school playground at night...   Drive past mail boxes and smash them with a baseball bat? ??

It will get better.

What's "it" ? "Cousin It" ?? Is Cousin It sick or something???

Exercise to keep fit.

Again, eating less food means less needed excercise. it's win-win!

True Friends always pop up to say hello..

Oh boy, here we go... the "Pop-in".. Don't like the "pop in".. the pop-in is no good! you're walking around in your underwear with the big hole in the front, then you happen to walk past the door and the bell rings...

True Friends never let you do something you'll regret when you wake up the next morning!

You mean like...while I was taking a nap, some friends decided it'd be funny to draw on my face with a permanent marker..and then dump a bunch of whiskey and marbles down my throat while i was sleeping??

Relax and take a nap whenever you can

Now, I'm not a big nap person... I remember in Kindergarten they tried to force us to take a nap..and I refused...and taking naps just screws my nighttime sleeping...if i take a nap..then i'm up all night..it's sad, really.

**looks for more**

What, that's it??

END

-o- Sunday April 3rd, 2005 -o- Smelly and ungrateful.

When the hell did this happen?? The Bulls on a 9-game winning streak??

A few notes: I updated the writings section to include some of the poems / songs I've written. That page can be accessed by clicking on the Home icon on top of this page, then to the Writings page.

Bad news on Kelsey Grammer's "The Sketch Show". Fox isn't going to air the 6th and final episode.

Tomorrow is the big game of North Carolina vs. Illinois for the NCAA Basketball Championship.

Tonight the baseball season start (bogus, it should be in Cincinnati on a Monday afternoon like it was for like 100+ years. Fatboy David Wells of the Red Sox got pounded by the Yankees at Yankee Stadium. Something tells me he's a double-agent or something. Or maybe...just maybe...he's just too god damn fucking fat and old to pitch.

Tomorrow the Cubs and the White Sox start their seasons, with of course Prior on the DL again.

-o- Tuesday April 5th, 2005 -o- "You wear a love bead...but not today."

Hmmm. So what's there to say. They lost. And this was probably a once in a lifetime thing for the Illini to get to the Finals. It's times like these I'm glad I'm not a betting man or betting with money.

In other news, Maddux is a very old man and the Cubs lost, and I updated the Writings page some more. Oh, another another tip: don't eat Fish n' Chips if you're going to play basketball.

-o- Monday April 4th, 2005 -o- Captain Steroids

Buehrle pitched a gem today and one run was all the Sox needed to beat the overly-hyped Cleveland Indians. I don't get why people are picking them to win the A.L. Central or finish in 2nd place. I mean, fucking come on. They lost their best player (who was a dinosaur shortstop) and all they have are minor leaguers. At least for a day, the Sox shut up those cocky Tribe fans.

Speaking of shutting up, or there lackof, while up 9-3 in the 5th inning with two out at Bank One Park in Phoenix, after asshole Carlos Zambrano walked in a run with the bases loaded, Dum-Dum Dusty decided to take him out of the game, since Zambrano had reached a whopping 106 pitches in only 4 2/3rds innings. And of course, after missing a few somewhat close pitches, Zambrano decided to start screaming at the Umpire while he was walking from the mound to the dugout. While already ineligible to return to the game, the Umpire throws Zambrano out of the game. Haha fucking typical roid ragin' Zambrano. And best of all, he gets a no-decision & doesn't factor in the win. Only on the Cubs. Haha. And that score, the Cubs aren't that great; it's the Diamondbacks are that bad. And there is concern when your pitching staff gives up 6 runs in a game to a team that lost 111 games last year.

-o- Wednesday April 6th, 2005 -o- NO WHISTLING!!!!

"where have all the good updates gone?" Wow, since when did writing become so tough? I dunno, it's amazing how you suddenly stop sitting around all day & eating fast food and start playing basketball for hours every day tends to turn the mind into soapy foam. Maybe in a few days my head will clear up or something. And oh ya, watching / listening to baseball games for 4+consecutive hours might have something to do with it too. The constant sound of intelligible long, drawn-out crowd noise followed by insanely loud & fast radio commercials every few minutes really puts a person into a sitting coma.

And I must tell everybody, for reasons unknown, that Thursday is Dollar Hot Dog Day.

Favorite Songs 'O Moment:

Van Morrison - And It Stoned Me
Tom Petty - Crawling Back To You
Tom Petty - Mary Jane's Last Dance
Talking Heads - Stay Hungry

-o- Thursday April 7th, 2005 -o- I SAID NO WHISTLING!!!!

Man, it's time to do another column again?? Shit! Oh ya, and apparently a 5 run lead isn't worth shit these days. Ozzie, the next time you manage a game, don't use 4 pitchers on 4 batters!!! You leave your bullpen thin!! Shingo gave up 3 consecutive solo shots in the 9th inning for the asshole Indians to tie the game. Man I hate them. Fuckers teeing off like that. But it was a windy day, and batters are cheaters, so it's bound to happen. That's all I have to say.

No, wait.... Only in this stupid country, where obesity is a huge problem, would companies start introducing much more expensive high-calorie, fattening burgers & products. Plus I read the new Burger King "Singing Black Cowboy" breakfast sandwich isn't that tasty. It's just full of greasy eggs, 2 slices of cheese, 3 strips of bacon and a huge sausage pattie, along with only 900 calories!! Who says it's never too early to start eating stupid? Now I have nothing to say.

-o- Friday April 8th, 2005 -o- I THOUGHT I SAID NO WHISTLING!!!!

Alright, here's some shit I heard during the hillbilly broadcast of White Sox baseball tonight: 4th game into the season, and Hawk & DJ are already rehashing pointless stories about their mediocre careers .

DJ: "yeah, I remember the time Gary Carter said "hi" to me."
DJ: "yeah, I remember the time I faced Terry Muholland"
Hawk: "I-ah remember that game in Washington where I-ah saw the ball clear the left field fence!"
Hawk: "then the next thing I-ah remember, was watching this guy play 1st base at the All-Star Game on TV!!!!"

oh god...

DJ: "well AJ has gotten his first hit against his former crew, and said, "it's time to get in my kitchen!"

That makes no fucking sense!!! Here's something Ozzie probably said tonight to El Duque:

"yeah, mon, okee, mon. I need you to throw 20 inning, 'cos I got no arm in bullpen, mon. throw many, many pitches, kee?"

lol right, Ozzie.

yeah, I'd like some baseball TV announcers who actually played "good" baseball instead of rehashing shitty stories of people they knew, please.

-o- Monday April 11th, 2005 -o- "You're not Wayne Laravee!!"

LAME CUBS CAST:

taking aerial shots of the ballpark during opponent homeruns.

constant shots and close-ups of the fans

Bob Brenly & Len Kasper talking

referring to the White Sox as "another Chicago baseball team"

extremely slow tv-scoreboard updating when an opponent scores (will wait at least 10 seconds after runner crosses plate, wallops in dugout), but immediately update the Cubs score when the Cubs hit a basehit / HR (second the ball leaves the bat)

constant belief that no team is better than the Cubs (constant hyping of Cubs players)

constant talk about playoff runs in '03, '00, '89 and '84.

advertising their crappy team magazine

zooming out opponent batters & focusing only on the Cubs pitcher and catcher.

constant talk about playing the Red Sox and Yankees.

getting an extreme close-up to a Cubs player's reaction after every single play & at-bat.

team owners advertising themselves in the ballpark

referring to Dusty Baker as "a great friend" and "pure genius"

referring to the Cubs pitching staff as "the greatest thing since sliced bread" and "Bigger than Jesus".

showing stupid, ugly, idiot, inbred fans clapping and smiling like a horsesass during a rally.

shots of lame signs, babies and idiots on the street.

-o- Sunday April 10th, 2005 -o- "Hillbilly swings a heavy stick!"

Did International scouting ruin baseball for American players?
By Dolph Rudager

Who is really winning? The fans, or the foreign players? Is it really a better product, or is it just foreigners taking away American jobs? Think about it.... there's always going to be someone hitting .210 because they suck and well, somebody is going to have to hit that low... and pitchers are going to give up runs.

Foreigners make up roughly 40% of big league rosters. It's probably higher, actually. The big leagues has players from Mexico, Central America, Japan, Korea, Australia, Puerto Rico and that whole island area especially.

You ever wonder how much tougher it is on American minor league players, who are already competing against their own teammates, as well as the guys on the team's other 5 to 6 minor league clubs. Then suddenly, some Cuban who's playing in a much different league decides he wants to play for MLB, and floats over on a raft and suddenly he's pitching for the Yankees and making $10 million a year. I mean, is that really fair? And is that really right? Or how about old players, who are farting around at 40 years old, really are only being kept going by the steroids they take; are taking away a deserving spot from a minor leaguer?

You know, in Japan baseball, they have a rule that a team can't have more than 2 or 3 gaijin (foreigners) on the team. Is this wrong for the Japanese to do this? At least the Japanese are looking out for # 1: themselves. They understand that their country and their people come first; not some outsider. And we all know MLBer's go to Japan to die 'cause they suck.

Look at the NFL. Isn't it like 99% Americans on there? Hockey is like 92% foreigners, and we all know how that sport is doing.

Is MLB scouting for foreign talent really benefiting anyone but themselves? It sounds like a lazy way of trying to get someone better for cheap quickly. Maybe if teams actually took their time and actually let their draft picks develop properly, their teams would be a lot better.

And think about all those American potential baseball players who excel at other sports too like football, basketball and track. What sport do you think they're gonna choose, when baseball has the largest talent pool compared to these other sports? That's why great athletes are not choosing baseball. They'd rather make a quick buck and play a much easier sport instead. There have been numerous articles written on why black athletes are shunning away baseball. Some reasons is it's not an urban sport. Others that basketball or football is more attractive & easier and quicker to make money. Or how baseball is "too boring and professional".

I'm telling ya, it must suck to be amanager these days. You have to be bi- to trilingual.

-o-

Dusty out talking to the Umpire at 1st base: "I don't know if his foot was on the bag or not. I was too busy chewin' on my toothpick."

-o- Saturday April 9th, 2005 -o- "Toe Fungus Blues"

I Have a Fear of.....

my eardrums breaking open while I blow my nose.
a fear of crossing intersections. I always check both ways at least twice.
farting and more than air coming out.
my White Sox somehow getting to the World Series and end up losing it.
sleeping in too late and missing a very important meeting.
spiders landing on top of me descending from the ceiling
spiders crawling around with me in bed.
the Cubs winning the World Series in my lifetime.
being lactose intolerant.
Barry Bonds passing Hank Aaron for the all-time Homerun leader
something happening to my car
being really close to a tornado & not being able to see it or photograph it
that Paris Hilton's popularity will never go away.

-o- Tuesday April 12th, 2005 -o- "You're going to hell when you die!"

lol random DH quote:

"wow!

Carlos is a cunt! I really hate him! I hope Gabby gets his money and goes off with John.
I hope she has an abortion too - that'd show Carlos! "

-o-

Dolph Rudager the umpire:

"That pitch was so fast and so perfect, I'm going to call 2 strikes from it!"

Dolph Rudager the umpire getting bored & wary of game:

"Alright, since it is only the 6th inning, and the Brewers are leading the Cubs 5-3 and the Cubs have the tying runs on the bases, I'm just going to call the batter and two runners 'out' right now, and call the game! Brewer's win! Why? Because I just plain don't like the Cubs. You got a problem? Tough shit."

-o-

nice, yesterday during the Padres / Cubs game, Mark Loretta hit a foul ball back and busted a hole into the weak advertisement sign. You realize that sign is the closest thing to a wall behind home plate in the majors. And having the least amount of foul territory in the Majors is a good way to really screw over your pitching staff.

-o- Wednesday April 13th, 2005 -o- "Smelly Girl"

What do you think of that show "Blind Justice" where a newly blinded cop tries to continue being a cop? I think it's one of the stupidest idea plots I have ever heard. lol

"Next week: on Amputee Bus Driver....on ABC!"

Bus Driver: "I don't care that i had my legs chopped off!! I'm still gonna drive this bus for a living!"
passenger: "You can't do that, man! You can't reach the freakin' pedals!!"
Bus Driver: "I'm a bus driver, god damn it! next stop!"
**fade in to another clip**
Boss: "Look man, nobody wants to ride your bus."
Bus Driver: "I can do this!!"

and there's a mockery of "Blind Justice".

-o- Thursday April 14th, 2005 -o- "iPods will be the death of us all."

Well, the Sox lost. They'll come home to face the Seattle Mariners for 3 games, and the Cubs go to Pittsburgh. And that's all I feel like writing today.

-o- Friday April 15th, 2005 -o- Ron Mexico

Top 10 list time!! Let's see...what should this list be of.... hmmmmm... Movies? I dunno if I've seen 10 movies, let alone remember them....

1. The Big Lebowski
2. The Royal Tenenbaums
3. Mall Rats
4. Chasing Amy
5. Rushmore
6. Dirty Work
7. Office Space
8. High Fidelity

wow... I can only think of 8. pffffff.

-o- Saturday April 16th, 2005 -o- "We're all the same age in the dark."

Here's my latest poem. And of course, I don't do dope & never have. And if you need a hint, near the end, that's him in his prison cell, thinking about dope :P And I could see some long-haired trendy asshole with an acoustic guitar singing this song proudly and loudly like it was an anthem or something in a nightclub. Or some stupid jackasses driving around town with their windows down and this song blaring... cops will pull over their asses in a second! ;)

(what a) Dope!
By D. Rudager

I love my dope

I smoke my dope
I hang around my dope
I live on dope.

I walk around with my dope
I sleep with my dope

I keister my dope

I love my dope
I love my dope
I love my dope

I smoke my dope
I eat my dope

I love my dope
I love my dope
I love my dope
I love my dope
I love my dope

I carry around my dope
I reef my dope
I drive with my dope
I sit down with my dope

I tell the cops I love my dope
I just love my dope.

dope
dope
dope
dope
dope
dope
dope
soap on a rope

dope
dope
dope
dope
dope
dope
dope
smoke with the pope

I set the clock around my dope
I text message my dope
I bathe with my dope
I love my dope!

I tell my arresting officer...
I tell my lawyer....
I tell my judge.....
I just love my dope!

**Bo Didley riff**
hope a' dope
hope a' dope
hope a' dope
hope a' dope
hope a' dope
hope a' dope
hope a' dope
hope a' dope....

**fade**

END

(what a) Dope! (reprise)
By: D. Rudager

I tell my parents
I tell my teachers
I tell my grandparents
I tell my preachers
and I tell my gym teacher...
and I tell my pencil...
I just love my dope!

END

-o- Tuesday April 19th, 2005 -o- bad window.

You know, I'm getting a little fucking sick and tired of the Bears always trading away their draft pick. What's the point of finishing as one of the worst teams in the league, and not using the high draft pick to enjoy it?? One year, they ended up with like the 5th pick, and they ended up with the 22nd pick. What the fuck?? What's the point of losing all those games, pissing off all of us fans who are basically wasting our Sunday afternoons to get crappy players??

So yeah, the Bears have the No. 4 pick, which could had been anywhere between No. 4 - 7. Think they'll hold on to it? Ha. Hell no. Like we could everbe that lucky.

-o- Sunday April 17th, 2005 -o- Seat 4, Row 20, Section 140. Vs. Seattle Mariners

Here we are, first Sox game in a long time for me, tho I was at the Cell last September for an Expos / Marlins hurricane game. Sunday was "Dog Day" at the Cell, where fans would bring their dogs to the ballpark. Final dog count was 500. When I first found out that it was "Dog Day", I wasn't looking forward to the prospect of a rottweiler ripping my leg off, but luckily, with our seats behind 3rd base, there weren't any dogs. I think they were all seated in the outfield bleachers section, and I didn't even here the dogs barking at all.

Before heading out to the ballpark, O'D, Luth & Todd and I went to Portillo's where I had an appropriate lunch of a Chicago Style Hot Dog with everything on it. We ate, headed to the gas station where we filled up with some $2.26 gasoline, and headed for the tollway. It was like 72 degrees and sunny here, but once we magically hit a spot on the tollway in the city, it felt like a freezer door opened. It was about 13 degrees cooler near the lake & outside the Cell, but you couldn't tell that inside the park because the air is just so dead in there.

We arrived at exactly 2:05pm (I absolutely hate being late to ballgames, let alone anything) and Freddy Garcia is on the mound. We find our seats & before we can sit our asses down, Ichiro swings and hits the first pitch out of the ballyard. Then shortly Ra�l Iba�ez, the Mariner's clean-up hitter, hit a homerun and it was 2-0 Mariners, and they would never give up that lead. I spent the game looking around, watching the pitches, listening to the heckler's go "C'monnnnnnnn Freddieeeeeee!" and booing Joe Crede, who made a few bobbles at 3rd. But then of course, the biggest error of the game was Tie-Dye's bobble in the right field corner on a basehit where it ended up being like a triple and lead to a 3-run Mariner's 5th. And of course, the Sox had a chance to tie the game in the bottom of the 9th, but Willie Harris got thrown out at 2nd for the final out of the game.
There were 3 homeruns hit today, and it easily could have been at least 8, because the ball just dies up in the air and hangs up there for like 10 seconds and a bunch made it to the warning track. Freddy didn't look that sharp and the Sox relied too much on the long ball today.

Now, for the other things: they sell at the ballpark: Connie's deep dish Chicago style pizza, nachos, lemon ice, sausages, hot dogs (fucking $4!!), cotton candy, those cinnamon sugar sticks, beer, Dove ice cream bars (at $6.75!!), some cheese cake / pudding stuff, veggie burgers & sandwiches, along with hot wings and chicken. The beer they sell is MGD and Miller Lite, which the assholes want $5.50 for a 16 oz. warm & flat beer, and you're expected to tip them the .50 cents so they don't have to carry around quarters. $6 for a fucking beer, where I could get a six-pack of 16 oz. beer at the store for $4.25.
We had free Stadium Club passes, which is the fancy restaurant thing under the upper deck in right field, so we watched the 9th inning from there. So yeah, if you're a rich bastard, and you don't mind watching the game some 400 feet away, paying $7 for a plate of appetizers and $9 for a meal, or sitting in a loud room, this is your thing. It's not a bad experience 'cause it's a bar with tons of tv's and probably decent food, it's just I'd rather sit as close to home plate as possible.

All and all it was fun.

-o- Monday April 18th, 2005 -o- "Hit young Rocky in the eye."

Well, it's April, so that means it's time to talk about football. Apparently Monday Night Football is moving to ESPN. Well, whoop-dee-fucking-do. Even tho MNF (before DH & Lost came around) was the biggest ratings getter for ABC. Well, since we all know the biggest flaw with Monday Night Football (other than that being it's always Rams, Patriots or Eagles home games) is the match-ups are always piss-poor; based on records from the previous season. Every year, there's always a 0-4 team versus a 1-3 team, or there's a 10-2 team versus a 1-11 team. I of course, will not miss hearing the hillbilly scream, 'ARE YOU READY FO' SOME FOOTBOL!!' or John Madden draw circles on the monitor.... it's one of the perks of not having cable tv. ESPN ended up paying like $1.1 billion for MNF, which is almost double of what ABC was willing to pay.

On the flip side, NBC decided to waste half a billion dollars on Sunday Night Football.... which of course, is almost always Broncos / Raiders / Chargers / Chiefs games (it's not too bright to start football games on the east coast at 10pm).

Then you have the other problems. This is the 3rd football timeslot of the day, where most football fans have already burnt themselves out from watching 7 hours of football and 2 hours of studio jackasses making lame jokes and observations. Then you have the FOX and ABC factor, who are pulling in the strongest ratings in a very powerful Sunday night (probably not official, but it's my habit). Of course, this football transition doesn't take place until late in the 2006 year.. and who knows if the top shows today will still where they are today. Unfortunately, the Simpsons will be in their 18th year by this time in early November, then Arrested Development will probably be long gone by that night, then there's the baseball playoffs on Fox.... and pitting Family Guy & the soon to be canceled American Dad against football is dumb, blah blah blah blah.

-o- Thursday April 21st, 2005 -o- "the politics of failure have failed!"

Ugh, what IS IT with the Ozzie Guillen and Maggilo Ordonez words-of-war?? I mean, what's the fucking point? There was no way in hell the Sox were going to risk all that money on an injured player, and yet these two continue to say stupid shit like "he's my enemy" and "he [bleep] the [bleep] the wrong guy in the [bleep]." Oh come on. Who gives a fucking shit? I know your baseball employees and the games are only 3 hours a day and you get very bored most of the time, but to indulge in stupid petty bullshit like this? I feel embarrassed as a Sox fan to see this shit plastered on the headline of the sports section. And I'm sure the media went out of their way to fabricate the war, too. Ozzie is manager of the best team in the A.L. right now, and Maggs is on the fucking Tigers & is out 4 to 6 weeks with a hernia while screwing over the Tigers' $75million. Let it GO, guys!

-o- Wednesday April 20th, 2005 -o- "then prove it, assbutt!"

Hmmm.. I seem to be a day short of material... let's get some filler in here!

BULLS: Chicago started the season 0-9 and was ranked 29th in the NBA in opponents' scoring, allowing an average of 101.6 points per game. Since then, the BULLS are 47-25 and now are ranked first in opponents' field goal percentage. The BULLS swept the season series 4-0. It was the first time the BULLS have swept the season series since 1998. The BULLS have won 15 of their last 18 games, while New York has lost 12 of its last 15 games. The BULLS ended up finishing 3rd best in the East, but are a 4th playoff seed due to the division leaders rule. The BULLS had 23 wins last year, to this year's 47.

ETC: The Los Angeles LAKERS failed to make the postseason for the 1st time in 11 years, and for the first time in an extremely long-ass time (if not the first time ever), the Los Angeles CLIPPERS will actually finish with a better record than the LAKERS.

-o- Thursday April 28th, 2005 -o- No games scheduled today.

Seasons preference (in pie graph format but lacking in pie graphic)

Fall 48 / 100
Summer 29 / 100
Spring 17 / 100
Winter 6 / 100

-o- Friday April 22nd, 2005 -o- "It's so bad! It's fucking great."

Oh ya, the drama queens in the Cubs marketing department are at it again.... since old-man Nomar ripped his groin off the bone the other night in St. Louis, the immediate headlines were "oft-injured Nomar could miss rest of '05 (but really only 2 to 3 months as an afterthought since we're drama queens.)" Oh boy, do we get look forward to another summer of reading stupid injury updates in the newspaper? "Today Nomar sat in a chair all day." (repeat for 3 weeks everyday). "Today Nomar walked for 3 minutes." "Today Nomar walked up a flight of stairs, but it took him 12 minutes."

You know, it's examples like these is on why newspapers are dying. At least on the internet, we get a nice big couple of pages with links to read the box score (instead of the size 3 font in the paper) and the basic story of the game and a few quotes. None of this stupid sportswriter bullshit where they try to be witty. The internet is quick, blunt, bland and right to the point. None of that jibber-jabber. Plus it's nice not to have to squint, (back in my day, news papers were much bigger, and actually had large print & spaced things out) or move page after page of stupid huge cell phone & car ads & classifieds in the paper, or have to sneer over all the other stupid shit they put in the paper, like high school sports, soccer, the outdoors, skating or horse racing. And did I mention the internet is in color? Sure there's ads on internet sports pages, but after a little effort of blocking images & not loading flash in a certain browser, it makes a clean reading experience.

-o- Saturday April 23rd, 2005 -o- "What can I say? I'm a ballot box stuffer."

What, another god damn column on sports??? Yep!

It must be killing Dusty that he can't play old man Nomar and will be forced to play young guys.

The ironic thing about Nomar is that they kept bragging the entire off-season about "how wonderful and how much better we'll be for having Nomar for a whole season."

Nomar going on the DL for the 6th time in his career. According to Len Kasper, the Cubs WGN broadcaster, said that "Nomar is a work-out freak and works extremely hard in the off-season." Nomar has had such a wide range of injuries:

April 2001: a split tendon surrounded by an inflamed sheath on the right wrist
March 2004: achilles' tendon injury during Spring Training, injury lasted all season.
August 2004: strained left wrist
September 2004: strains right groin; misses 81 games.
April 2005: rips groin (ruptured tendon in left groin) while slipping out of the batter's box in St. Louis 4/21. Perhaps the old man needs a cane??

And this all points to one thing: Steroids, and lack of prior steroid use. Once Nomar realized he could get in deep trouble for testing positive, he's off the juice and falling apart like a chinese motorcycle.

-o- Sunday April 24th, 2005 -o- "Baldy Pauly."

Since I had no internet for a few days this week; and well, I have no new material, I'm going to some more Top 5 and 10 lists.

Top 10 favorite foods:

1. President's Choice Shells n cheese. 12 oz of shell-shaped pasta, and a packet of super orange-yellow cheese goo. Usually I measure the pasta & use half of it; and I'll even-out the cheese packet down the middle, and squeeze it from there. Then I'll seal up the open packet and stick it in the fridge; tape up the box and store the rest of the pasta.

2. KFC chicken strips. Boneless, all-white meat, juicy, crunchy and seasoned.

3. The Arby's beef n cheddar. A perfect combo of an onion bun, baked & sliced roast beef, cheese sauce, and red ranch dressing.

4. Chicago Style Hot Dog. I love condiments along with tomatoes, bell peppers and cucumbers. Who the hell says you need ketchup on a hot dog??

5. Chicago Style Deep dish pizza. The Top 5 wouldn't be complete without pizza! I like it with lots of cheese, sausage and mushrooms with tomatoes and spices on top of the cheese.

6. Fish n' chips. I love breaded fish, tartar sauce and fries together. Mmmm.

7. Egg Rolls. Crunchy & thick or paper-thin, it's always a greasy treat.

8. Nachos. Whether it's just tortilla chips and nacho cheese, or with meat, sour cream, onions and cheese.... I just love the shit.

9. Soup. Very general, but a good thick New England Clam Chowder is the best, along with chicken noodle or vegetable. None of that crappy noodles n' salt soup or soup in a red & white can. I'm talking pre-mo stuff.

10. 1/3 lb.+ cheeseburger. None of those shitty fast food or Whoppers.... I'm talking the big burgers you get in bars & restaurants with everything on them. And you can't have a Top 10 list of food without a burger.

-o- Monday April 25th, 2005 -o- "ugh! dog food again!!"

Top 10 TV shows as of April 25th, 2005.

1. Family Guy
2. Mr. Show (even tho it hasn't been on in 7 years)
3. Arrested Development
4. The Office
5. Seinfeld
6. Scrubs
7. King of the Hill
8. MadTV
9. Desperate Housewives
10. Blue Collar TV

Omitted from previous lists:
Two and a Half Men (not as funny)
Saturday Night Live (terrible cast, hosts & writing in general this season)
The Simpsons (and falling fast. Burn-out & too much air-time of newer episodes)

-o- Tuesday April 26th, 2005 -o- "X-mas at the Weinberg house."

Top 10 favorite beers

1. Samuel Adams (I know, but it's so damn good!)
2. Leinenkugel. Mmmmmm.
3. Goose Island (including Oktoberfest best; local Chicago beer)
4. Killians Irish Red Ale
5. Red Stripe
6. Miller High Life
7. Rolling Rock
8. Harp
9. Old Style from a bottle. It tastes like a sweaty old baseball cap from a can.
10. Corona. I know, but I remember drinking it.

I'm sure there's a few other beers I'm missing, and some of that is due to them being so awful (i.e Special Export & Schiltz & PBR & Budweiser & Old Milwaukee)

-o- Wednesday April 27th, 2005 -o- "the boys are stealing from charity!"

Top 10 favorite music albums

1. Led Zeppelin - IV (Zoso)
2. Beatles - Revolver
3. Doors - L.A. Woman
4. Rolling Stones - Sticky Fingers (custom playlist)
5. Beach Boys - Pet Sounds
6. Alice Cooper - Killer
7. Beatles - Let It Be
8. Doors - I
9. Bob Dylan - Blonde on Blonde
10. Bob Dylan - Highway 61 Revisited

-o- Friday April 29th, 2005 -o- "we all go through our "Fat Elvis" period."

Top 10 Worst Things About Being Alive in 2005. (make up your own list)

1. high gasoline prices
2. music & the consistent popularity of rap, hip hop and corporate pop; along with the continued rising popularity of American Idol / selling out of classic rock groups to music on car commercials
3. $9 to go to the movies / $4 to rent a movie
4. nationwide impending obesity doom.
5. cell phones being everywhere
6. reality shows
7. SNL still sucks
8. shitty cheap fast food consumption still growing in popularity / McDonlds stock rising
9. The Simpsons & Joey
10. increasing population & crowding

-o- Saturday April 30th, 2005 -o- Kirstie Alley: "Support our schools! Children...are our future meals!!!"

Well I did it. I went a whole week without talking about sports. But that's going to change for the moment. In last night's 11-inning loss of the White Sox to the Tigers, the White Sox left 33 men on base in the first 9 innings. Thirty-fucking three!!! Average is like 5 to 15. You know, it's really bizarre when you start off 16-4.... you get every single lucky bounce, every break, every ball or strike and every run you need...then suddenly.... you go on a 3 game losing streak, and no matter what you do...you just can't get those fucking runs in.

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