April 2004 - Untitled Daily Column Project

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Untitled Daily Column Project

~/~ Tuesday, April 13th 2004 ~/~ Bloopie the Tooting Anus..

.. the newest hit song i'm working on for the band. Of course, all i got written down was "bloopie the tooting anus....comes from the planet Uranus...your anus! junk in the trunk, has got me in a funk". Of course, i didn't get any chords pumped out or any other kind of musical notation written out. Ah, such as such.

Because of the stupid fucking wind (a fucking Northern Canadian one and all) caused the cancellation of going to a minor league baseball game. Sure it was 48* and sunny outside, but there was a consistent wind (especially out in the open) of 20mph+ coming from the north, and it being a small open-air ballpark that faces north/northeast, sitting there for 3+ hours would had been a very shivering experience. Just too god damn cold to watch baseball. But had there been no wind, it would have been all systems go. I really fucking hate wind. Unless it gets warmer than 85 degrees, wind is a fucking nuisance. It just makes everything colder and usually you're not prepared for it. When it's windy, it's a bitch to play basketball or tennis...the ball just carries too much.... doors swing wide open and crash into things...trash is blowing around. And the cold, damp wind is the worst...it just cuts right through you and shivers you down to the bone. I really hate the fucking wind. I wish there was someway we could control the stupid wind.

Tonight President Bush had an hour long press conference, which was just more bullshit about how we need to waste more time in Iraq and waste more money. I'm sorry, but this war is stupid. Who the hell gives a god damn about some stupid country halfway around the world? You make up these "theories" that terrorists are a threat to us and the world. Well, guess what. There always has been terrorists in the world, there always will be and wasting billions of more tax dollars today and tomorrow isn't going to fix that. Just watching that speech made me more-so not to vote for him, which out of habit i normally would have again.

You know, the US isn't exactly in the best shape, and we should be taking care of the most important thing first: ourselves. Screw the rest of the god damn world. Most of the world leeches on us anyways, taking our exports, taking our jobs, taking our money, taking our food, taking our military service. I mean, we should be taking care of our own, using our resources to the fullest.

That's why Army troop morale is so low. They keep getting forced to serve longer and longer. I'm sorry, but all those soldiers are wasting their time. Basically the US is just using the Army as a soulless puppet police officer who are now getting killed more and more everyday. Exactly what are we doing there? Fighting a bunch of extreme radical groups only because some pissant country can't? Since when did it become our business? And what's the whole point of doing this? So we can get cheaper oil someday? Spending billions and billions now just so we can knock a few dimes off a gallon of gasoline? This is just another case of America sticking their ass in where it doesn't belong. End this fucking war right now and get back to fixing this country.

The Cubs had an off day today and will resume playing the Pirates tomorrow at Wrigley.

~/~ Wednesday, April 14th 2004 ~/~ Kaptain Khaos Jr. of K.C.

This was a brutal day. After some 30 to 40 computer crashes, and some 11 hours trying to fix this piece of shit, i finally somehow got a clear, usable working screen and to connect online and dick around. but it's so late now, time for bed.

And yes, Mike...despite being up 6-0 in the 5th inning, then being up by 8-5 in the top of the 9th inning, only to give up 4 runs by Kaptain Khaos Koch and then somehow in the bottom of the 9th inning, load the bases without even getting an out, somehow the Sox tied and won the game.

Thank you Curtis Leskanic of the Kansas City Royals! You have now been dubbed thee "Kaptain Khaos Jr!" Guess who's still the best team in Chicago? That's right...the White Sox. How long this will last...who knows...so that's why i'm getting my kicks in now while i still can. And if i had any real pride left of being a fan of this team, i'd be a lot of obnoxious.

Ah, April 14th, the day before Tax Day. Did you blow off doing your taxes today so you could eat your horseshit McDonald's .39 cent hamburgers and .49 cent cheeseburgers? Hmm? Joke's on you! It's not horseshit, it's pigshit! I don't know how anybody could eat that shit. Seriously. How can you eat that shit? It's not even real meat or even made of anything natural. Masking tape tastes better than those burgers. .39 cents is still highway robbery. Do you have a cavity in your head? Eating cardboard would be healthier. They should haul your dumbass away.

Commercial: pencil with a voice doing taxes: "oooo da' hell with this! **flys out of the room** I ain't's gots to be workin' on no taxes! I'll just stuff ma' face with McDonalds all day long! Mmmm!! .39 cent hamburger and .49 cent cheeseburgers!!! I ain't gots no care in the world, bay-bee! Sque-rew this, y'all! I don't give no shits about no government 'cause i got my horseshit from McDonalds! Ain't no Fed Man gonna take me away! I'm loving it!!" **music plays**

~/~ Monday, April 5th 2004 ~/~ Opening Day

Well, here we go. Opening Day 2004 and the Chicago baseball teams final scores for the day. How to read this goes as follows: first game of the day is listed first. the 2nd and 4th teams listed (here the Reds and Royals) are the home team while the 1st and 3rd teams (Cubs & White Sox) are the road team. Finally, the team's final score is to the right of its logo. Capeesh?

Ok, down to business. I am one lucky motherfucker. As stated in the March 31th 2004 entry, I entered the Cubs Dugout Seats Lottery, and somehow, I actually got drawn. In-fucking-credible!
Who's going, when the game is and how it was will all be stated after the game.

Well. I see by our scores here that the Sox lost and the Cubs won. This is what I call a "double kick in the balls & ass" But, as such, you can't win everyday and there's 161 games left. I can't believe I actually missed the Sox game even tho it was on local tv, but apparently the Sox suffered a six-run 9th inning bullpen meltdown, blowing a 7 to 3 lead. Sadly it wasn't entirely "Kaptain Khaos" (Billy Koch)'s fault, but i'm sure Sox Manager Ozzie Gullien was super-pissed and loud after blowing his managerial debut by blowing a 4 run lead in the last inning. But I'm pretty sure it was mostly Ozzie's fault the Sox lost, and still think he was a piss-poor choice for a Sox manager.

~/~ April 1st, 2004 ~/~ Corporate Tool

Apparently Bob Dylan is in a Victoria's Secret commercial. It's him, standing in some dark room looking like Johnny Cash while they make brief close-ups of this hot chick wearing pretty much next to nothing, and Dylan is singing in the background, "I wish I had never met you.". haha what the hell is the point of this commercial?

For your future information, a Corporate Tool is a name I came up with to label celebrities who endorse commercial food, drink or products.

I saw a news piece on celebrities endorsing products and advertisements on Tv. Saying that it's so wonderful that celebrities use their "status power". Well, here's how i see it.

I hate celebrities and I don't need Uncle Jesse from "Full House" telling me that I can call Canada for 3 cents a minute with 10-10-987. I don't need John Stamos to manipulate me with his celebrity status appeal telling me what i should use, nor will i tolerate it. And thus, in early 2003, "the List" was born. I have a small hand-held notebook where i write down celebrities endorsing products, hence, I'm BOYCOTTING these products!

Everything is on on here, from Adam Carolla telling me to "masturbate and eat crispy taco's" haha (tho i loved those commercials where he was the talking drive-up menu) from Burger King to Joan Cusack & Catherine Zeta-Jones telling me to use their cell phone companies (they're on like ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME!) heheh and when i think i have escaped these two bitches, i see newspaper ad's in my sports section taking up half the page!

Part of the point of the list is these celebrities really don't need the job or the income, since they're all rich up the ass, and putting out unknown actors who need the work out of jobs. And most likely, it's all a Marketing scheme... thinking that I'll want to use their product over another just because there's a celebrity endorsing it. Well, the opposite is the effect on me.

Someday I'll get around to posting that list in here. Perhaps with a scroll down menu or something.

games or buy any more merchandise. I refuse to support a sport that allows cheating and allows players to take illegal drugs (the Union is not above the law) and the integrity of the game is being compromised."

Oh, and I'd also like to announce that I'm the winner in my group's ESPN NCAA tournament. Way to go me! Yeah! yeah... total pure bullshit luck.. just lucky-ass picks.

~/~ Tuesday, April 6th, 2004 ~/~ "What is WRONG with this game??!"

No Games Scheduled Today.

Ah, being a column writer. You can write what ever you want, whenever you want and it can be as long or short as you like and you're own boss. "it's two days late, but who cares!" "it's terrible but put it up anyways." "the presses were down, so that's why I missed the deadline." "i was hungover so i didn't feel like writing today's column." "this job is stupid and i hate it so i'm doing it really half-assed." "i never cared much for deadlines." "you can't fire me, i'm the best you got." "i was too drunk to push the buttons on the keyboard." "i was on strike." "i'm too gassy and i have a rash."

It's time to critique some video games... EA Sport's MVP Baseball 2003. Let's just say this game fuel's the fire of rage for the rage-a-holic. "What is WRONG with this game??!" I shouted at the computer screen some 20 times today. Never in my life have I seen a baseball game so needlessly complicated & difficult. Suddenly the four buttons represent the bases & you have to hold them down to throw it hard. It's SUPPOSED to be "D-Pad then bottom button to throw". Never in my fucking life have a seen a game with the first basemen with the intellect of a mule with diarrhea for the brain. "Get on the fucking bag, you stupid asshole first baseman!!" Tho this is due to a severe programming flaw in EA Sports because 99.9% of the time in real-life, if there's a runner coming down the line, the fucking 1st baseman is ON THE FUCKING BAG waiting for the throw. Not standing around with his thumb up his ass and waving to the crowd. Not running towards the throw from the infielder or running towards right field DURING the throw.

Another programming flaw in this game, is that Sammy Sosa & Barry Bonds always either fly out or hit a homerun. Sosa in Alan's season already had 15 homeruns in some 14 games played. Bullshit! It seems at every time a power hitter is up, they always send the ball to the warning track or beyond. Also, pitching was a bitch to learn. I've never seen a baseball game where to pitch you have to watch a sliding bar and push the button twice to get the power / movement & correct location. And if you don't hit that button while the line is in the narrow green area, you end up tipping off the batter (a circle shows up in the batter's strike zone about 2 seconds before it gets there) and they always smash the hell out of the ball. Graphics-wise, it's the best looking baseball I've ever seen, but lack of retro stadiums (something that's been around from other games since '95) and no retro jerseys, and confusing multiple menus, and the ball ricochet's off the outfield way too harshly, making even the fattest and slowest of power hitters get stand-up triples (I got one with Ryan Klesko of the Padres). I give this game a 4.5 out of 10. A very frustrating game.

~/~ Wednesday April 7th, 2004 ~/~

Well! We have our first White Sox win / Cubs loss of the season! And a rare Billy Koch aka Kaptain Khaos save. Nothing else to report on this uneventful day other than watching an hour and a half straight of "King of Queens" was brutal. Extreme "wish i was dead" brutal. Sox managed a split with the A.L. Central rival Kansas City Royals and the Sox travel to Yankee stadium for four games (I predict the Sox will lose 3 of them).

~/~ Thursday April 8th, 2004 ~/~ 1 out of 3 ain't good

Ah, another proud day for Chicago sports. The White Sox just plain-ass got out-pitched by former-Expo Javier Vazquez. of course, when you're competing against a team with a payroll that's almost $200 million and who stole the best pitcher from a decent Montreal Expos team and your team's payroll is $57 million... you tend to lose the close games. So the Sox have lost the first of four against the Yankees in New York and the Cubs lost the series against the Cincinnati Reds and travel to play the Atlanta Braves Friday night.

So this leaves both Chicago teams with a 1-2 record on the young season. And get this shit! The 2nd worst team of all time last year, the Detroit Tigers (who went 43-119 in 2003) have started off the season with an MLB best 4-0 start! It may not seem like much, but in baseball, getting off to a hot start in April is a good momentum builder...and especially for a sorry-ass ballclub like the Tigers who haven't had a winning season since 1993 when they were still in the old 7 team A.L. East division.

Well..Thursday night...talk about a complete horseshit night for television. I normally leave the tv on all the time just in case something important happens (like the Northeastern blackout that happened last summer) but I just turned that motherfucker right off from 7 to 9pm. Tho TV lately is really boring the hell out of me. Shit, I would have rather watched Soccer on the Spanish channel (and soccer is one of the most boring sports in the world). i don't care if the whole god damn world thinks its the best sport ever! it's a sport for elementary / middle school kids who can't throw, shoot, tackle, pass or hit because soccer requires no skills. It's just kickball, people!

~/~ Friday, April 9th 2004 ~/~ 15 innings isn't enough

Ok, baseball games shouldn't take 4 and a half hours & 15 innings to play! But that's exactly what the Cubs and Braves did! I'm too fucking tired to write anything else. Tomorrow is a busy day.

~/~ Sunday, April 11th, 2004 ~/~ Fucking exhausted deja vu - Happy Easter

Same thing as yesterday. Ah, working from 10am to 5pm on Easter. Today I raided the snack machine.. for breakfast, I had some coffee, a cold Pepsi and some mini-Ritz cheese cracker sandwiches and some baked Lay's potato chips, which reminded me a lot of Pringles, which too of course are a tasty chip. Then I got to work, grooved along, needed a few short breaks, and got back to work until some shit happened late in the afternoon. I was on the last bulb in the corner of the main warehouse, when not only did the bulb's base get stuck, which required the twisting of pliers, but the black glass ring around the end of a light bulb was stuck & melted into the light's socket, which required me taking a flathead screwdriver and a hammer to chisel it out, which took awhile, that one light took me 40 minutes to complete. And the rest of the day went its course with more difficult bulbs to unscrew and bulbs breaking in my hands. The final raid of the snack machine included some Gardetto original snack mix (love those pumpernickel chips) and a PayDay candy bar and some full-size Butterfinger bars which i will use to make home-made Dairy Queen Blizzards with them.

The highlight of the day was finishing the job before dinnertime...and dinnertime! Prime rib (i had two inch-thick slabs of it) along with mash potatoes and a very thick and greasy gravy, along with green beans, stuffed mushrooms, sweet crescent rolls with a side of V-8 juice and a frosty freezer-chilled glass with ice-cold milk in it. It was an excellent meal. I give it a solid 10...and I was starving like a motherfucker. Ah the effects of the weekend work. Both of my palms are muscle-sore from screwing / unscrewing .. I can barely pick up a glass of water...and typing is somewhat of a chore, since my under-forearms are sore as hell.

The White Sox managed a split in the 4-game series in New York against the Yankees, and the Cubs won 2 out of 3 in Atlanta against the Braves. The Cubs & White Sox travel to Chicago. The Cubs will kick off their home opener against the Pirates for 3 games and the Sox have Monday off and will open versus the rival Kansas City Royals for a 3 game series.

I've worked 15.5 hours this weekend and this entry is ending right now!

~/~ Saturday April 10th, 2004 ~/~ Fucking exhausted.

As you can see, an old Braves logo from the 1960s-late '80s, and the mascot's name in the logo is Chief Nokahoma, adopted by the Braves as a Mascot in 1941 when they were still in Boston.

Man, what a day. I was going on two hours of sleep and I had to get up at 8am to go work 8 1/2 hours in a factory where I would be changing light bulbs from the ceiling. To do such a thing, this requires one to work in an electric lift where you could drive it around, make turns, go in reverse & up and down.. all that fancy ass jazz. This factory warehouse I was in, was not unlike all the gyms we had in high school and college...tho I do think this ceiling was a bit higher. My task was to change these huge-ass bulbs, the size of a football, and put in the new bulbs which sat in boxes of 6 in the corner. Sounds easy enough, right?

Wrong. Once I got up there (and keep in mind, it was kinda dark, since out of the 80 lights in the room, only 6 were on because they were all-night lights) not one of the lights would unscrew easily. They were literally stuck. So i grabbed the bulb with both hands, and wiggle-twisted it back and forth, progressing about a quarter of an inch per minute. I don't know how long these high-heat bulbs had been in their sockets, but i'm guessing at least 4 years, and after all the use, the metal end's of these bulbs tend to expand from the heat. So naturally, if i couldn't unscrew the bulb, i had to break the bulb's glass (or it broke in my hands, which ever came first), grab the pair of pliers, stick it straight up into the socket, pull the handles apart as hard as i could, and start twisting with my arms clock-wise (not to mention battling the long clear plastic dome cover). This required a lot of forearm usage, and would sure to leave me with muscle soreness the next coming days.

After a few hours of progress, the electric lift ran out of juice and i couldn't move (thank god i had the thing lowered and not in the air) and went scrambling for some extension cords, which i eventually found behind some locknut machines. The highlight of the day was of course the snack machine and all the free coffee and hot chocolate from a machine i could drink for free and I got to watch some of the White Sox / Yankees game in the Trucker's Lounge. Also i had some of these Frito-Lay corn twisted corkscrew chips..jalapeno cheddar flavored...and they were really good. Tomorrow I get to finish the remaining bulbs and do more of the same.

~/~ Monday, April 12th, 2004 ~/~ Spanked

Watched the Cubs home opener from the 5th inning on..where they were losing 7-2 to the Pittsburg Pirates. Actor / Cubs fan Bill Murray threw out the 1st pitch (he threw it from the pitcher's mound straight up into the air and way over the backstop; on purpose) (which would later be named official "Play of the Game") and sang "Take Me Out To the Ballgame". Top of the 8th..frozen..cold..

top of the 8th innning...score is 9-2...Pirates batting...Andy Pratt threw 9 straight balls, walked two and beaned one batter by throwing a 57 foot ball into the ground, it bounced up and hit the Pirates batter right square in the ass! Good stuff! Then the Cubs brought in Kent Mercker....and he threw 4 straight balls to walk in a run...some more good stuff! All in all, Greg Maddux lost the Cubs home opener despite the wind howling in (a pitcher's advantage, or so it seems) Sosa kept swinging for the fences, and hit a ball that probably would have gone over 450 feet, but, of course, with a 30mph+ wind blowing in, knocked that ball down some 50 feet short of the warning track. Oh Sammy, you are a dumbass.

This was easily the most enjoyable game I've watched all fucking year and look forward to many more just like it! The Sox have the day off and their home opener is tomorrow at 1:05pm.

~/~ Friday April 16, 2004 ~/~ calm down...calm down.. v.2.

Boy, what a god damn piss-drinking rectum-busting bullshit day at Wrigley it was. You know I have never been a fan of Domed Stadiums but this was just bullshit. When a wind blowing from the South at over 22 mph (blowing out to center at wrigley) makes that much of a difference in a game where there's 31 hits and 21 runs cross the plate?? I mean come on. And i keep hearing this bullshit that "the cubs have one of the best, if not these best pitching staff in baseball" when you give up 33 runs in 5 games, your pitching staff is not that great; you just have a bunch of stupid asshole hitters swinging from their heels for the fences. Total bullshit. Put a fucking dome on that Wrigley Field bullshit. Plus today's umpiring at homeplate was terrible..i've never seen so many missed called balls and strikes...and the Reds got fucked on a 3rd strike call on Sean Casey on a pitch that was clearly outside & never crossed the plate, which would have loaded the bases but instead was strike 3 and out 3. looking back at that inning and all the other 14 Reds baserunners that were left on base and didn't score, it would have made a difference. Every run is so very, very, very important. Just because your team has a 6-0 lead in the 5th doesn't guarantee a victory, nor does having a 3-run lead in the bottom of the 9th inning. It was a day of terrible pitching, terrible umpiring and stupid wind.

Well, the White Sox just lost to a turtle-shit last place team the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

-o-

calm down...calm down.. v.2.... Retrospect: yesterday's game

certain written entries about certain fucking asshole cubs pitchers is being pondered..but probably for legal & liable reasons i won't put it up on here. But watching certain fat and extremely stupid roid-raged cubs pitchers and watching them pump their god damn arm into the arm after every fucking inning just shows what a fucking shit-fucker he is and just ruins watching the whole game. Really makes a person hate another person a lot.

~/~ Saturday April 17th, 2004 ~/~ Planet Dumbass

Ah, what a difference a day makes. All my rage just melts away! And why is that, you ask? Because rage is like a planet orbiting... it comes around, it goes around, and my rage went from me to Kerry Wood. Wood had built up some rage and at the top of the 9th was screaming at the home plate umpire over called balls and strikes, but somehow Wood didn't get ejected, while holding a 2-1 lead. Then eventually the Reds prevailed, they scored 2 runs, and Dusty took Wood out...then Wood walked off the mound and then sprinted to home plate and started screaming at the umpire, who of course threw Wood out of the game...kinda of pointless because wood was already pulled.

Last night i watched another great Yankees / Red Sox game. What a game. What a rivalry. Here, is the best rivalry in baseball. yeah the Red Sox haven't won a world series since 1912.....and they always seem to lose to the cocksucking richer than thou Yankees all the time, but no rivalry is more bitter, profane or as intense as this one. any Yankees / Red Sox game is a great match up, and as last year's regular season matchups, the Yankees were 10-9 win/loss against the Red Sox, runs scored 30/29 yankees/red sox and the ALCS where the yankees won against the red sox in 7 games. Watching tonight's game was like watching a heated playoff match-up in October....it's a great feeling for a baseball fan. The fans care, the players on both teams care, all the coaches and managers care... it's a big game...like every game in baseball should be but it's impossible..and you should cherish the ones that are. Any sportswriter or fan that says this rivalry means nothing is an obviously stupid piece of shit who knows nothing about baseball. Seriously, you stupid fucknuts.

It was the bottom of the 9th, Red Sox leading 6-2, two outs and Derek Jeter was batting. The fans were screaming "Yankees suck! Yankees suck! Yankees suck!" Ah man, that was classic.

~/~ Sunday, April 18th, 2004 ~/~ Put a fucking dome on Wrigley! nice score, tho.

~/~ Friday, April 30th, 2004 ~/~ Sir Farts a lot

Ah, one of the greatest rivalries in baseball.. the St. Louis Cardinals and the Cubs. "The I-55 Series". The Blue Jays / Sox game got rained out, and they'll play a doubleheader tomorrow, here's some homemade poetry.

oh caddy...
he was the biggest asshole of them all
oh caddy...
he never once looked for my ball
golf ball that is!

if i could make you bleed, i would
you'd fetch my golf balls like you should

oh caddy...
he was the biggest asshole of them all
oh caddy...
what a fucking prick i hope he falls
into the fucking lake!

oh woman
you're so weird looking
when i said i'd sleep with you
i was only joking

i gave him a dollar
to drink that whole bottle of bleach
i couldn't believe he did it
i'm glad it wasn't me

i poked him in the eye
i didn't mean to do it
i wonder if there's gold in those mountains
that bucket of chicken is pure shit.

i'm playing with bleach
i can't feel my nose
but it's okay
there's no pill like coma-a-dose.

the truth will set your teeth free!

~/~ Sunday April 25th, 2004 ~/~ Ask Porter

Sometimes it really amazes me that people write to a stupid newspaper advice columnist and need answers to the stupid questions of their lives. Unfortunately, this column is no exception. Just look at the stupid emails people have sent. So officially today, there's another addition to this column, it's called "Ask Porter".

Dear Porter,
My wife doesn't spend any time with me. what should i do?

Get rid of your wife and move to Mexico

-o-

Dear Porter,
Everytime i go to leave the computer to talk on the phone or watch tv, my screen turns black and this "flower" thing comes up and starts moving around the screen and changes colors. what should i do?

Your computer is broken. Throw it out and buy a new laptop one.

-o-

Dear Porter,
The other day when i was snooping in my teenage son's desk drawers, i heard him outside swearing profanity with his friends. Also he's not getting the straight A's on his report card like we demanded. what should i do? ~concerned warden.

First off, if you were a real warden, you wouldn't be so god damn clueless and stupid. The reason why your child is out of control is because you didn't beat them hard enough, you didn't yell at them loud enough, or take away their Mtv's or their Nintendo's. Mandatory weekly drug tests, compulsory church attendance and an electronic neck-collar tracking device should be the 1st step into raising an obedient machine.

-o-

Dear Porter,
My wife is too fat and she spends too much of my money on shopping for clothes and cheap $4 shoes which fall apart & whose heels get crushed after a day or two. I keep telling her i don't want bacon on my ice cream sundaes but she just won't listen. ~Skinny Spineless Husband

Dear Spineless,

I think it may be time to insert a tapeworm in your lovely wife's breakfast glass of gravy.

-o-

Dear porter,

My husband spends too much time looking at pornography on the internet and not enough time with me. what should i do? ~Mrs. Deprived

Dear Mrs. Deprived,

Go onto the internet and buy yourself a vibrator. This should solve your problem.

-o-

That's all the time we have for this week for "Ask Porter"

~/~ Monday, April 26th, 2004 ~/~ "26 is an old number."

you'd think that after playing Mah Jong Solitaire & listening to early '70s Alice Cooper really loud for 4 hours would make a person would go crazy... but apparently not. I was a-okay! And why in the hell would i want heated-seats in my car? That's just warm up the beer i keep in my lap.

Well the White Sox have the day off and will play a 2-game home series at U.S. Sellout Field against arch division rivals the Cleveland Indians while the Cubs head down to Phoenix to play the Arizona Diamondbacks for 3 games. the tall, 6' 10" lefthanded & future Hall of Famer mullet-sporting great Randy Johnson will be pitching, and quote, "He has never lost to the Cubs, going 11-0 with a 2.13 ERA in 12 career starts." But what does Dusty "i'll ruin your young pitchers" Baker say?

' "The way I look at it, the law of averages is on our side," Baker said before the game'

Of course you do, Dusty. Diamondbacks won 9-0, and Randy Johnson is now 12-0 with a 1.96 ERA against the Cubs lifetime. Way to go, Randy!

And by the way, today is my birthday! It's still not too late to send me birthday cake or Arby's gift certificates. I also accept coupons. "Those are just as good as money!" ~Frank Barone.

No bombs, curses or leprosy, please.

~/~ Friday April 23rd, 2004 ~/~ "no you MUSTN'T disturb the delicate genius!"

The adult A.D.D. column

Ok, today's column is called "A.A.D.D." or "Adult Attention Deficit Disorder". it's supposed to show a very easily distracted writer who has difficulty maintaining attention in tasks or play activities, or does not listen when spoken to directly or unable to follow more than one instruction at a time and all that good stuff. It's a problem ..er excuse that some 15 million Americans have. Tho the logical term for this condition is called "boredom". Is this column a stroke of genius or just only one step beyond rambling and babbling?

"boy is my screen covered with spots. it's probably from me sneezing or screaming at a video game. you know what i don't like? is when people sneeze in my house. stop sneezing on my counter and my floor and my food! Let this be a lesson not to eat chicken liver, herring, liver sausage, organ meats and preserved fishes because it comes with gout. No more fat chicks. I wonder how much fingernails grow in a year. "nah nah nah nah, yeeeeeeah yeah yeah! You could be the devil, you could be the savior! daaaaaa da! daaaaaa ha! Well i really can't tell by your be-hav-ior! daaaa da! daaaaa da!" 89% of women like men with nice hands, so naturally there's 11% of women who like fat, ugly, scar-tissued ridden broken smelly dirty hands. mmm Bar-b-qed meat. Let me tell you something about a day in my 8th grade Reading and Lit class. My teacher was so god damn annoying. i hated that damn teacher..and i annoyed the hell out of Mrs Lee...she called my mom so many times. Mrs Lee: "Mrs Rudager! Dolf refuses to read the Anne Frank Diary story in class and he's making anti-semite remarks!!!" i remember i refused to read it, then i got sent to the principal's office, which i didn't know a referral meant an automatic detention. in class before i left, i was like "yes! i'm out of here!" then i threw the book onto the floor and jumped over my desk and walked out of there. It was dumb of me to actually go to the principal's office..i should have just stayed in the bathroom till the period was over. haha oh well. Yeah, it's too bad you stupid kids in public schools are getting your precious soda and snack machines taken away from you. Back in my day we didn't have snack machines or fancyass "code red" colas. ............ **long pause** ......................... *yawn*. see.. a woman with a guitar...that's just wrong. I wonder if they still sell those rice n bean burritos with the nacho cheese and tomatoes that i like. **stares at the clock** around and around it goes. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. You know, i never understood how someone could put cheese on top of a steak. "Ride, Captain ride, upon your mystery shit." The legend of the dog-faced woman. Is it time to go yet? Man this day is just dragging on. Lousy stupid fucking drivers on the road. **taps pencil** Boy this sucks. You know, i'm really sick of this American Idol shit. Why don't you fucking judges pick a god damn winner already? Who cares what America wants? It's not like we can stop you from putting out the album. I hope the people who host shows like Extra and E.T. & Access Hollywood realize that their program is completely useless and is only toilet programing which doesn't expand your mind. Hmm..i'm almost out of water. There's too many god damn people walking around and making noise. **taps pencil** you know, when you use my toilet and have diarrhea, please have the courtesy to wipe down the toilet and the toilet seat. Diarrhea isn't a toy you know. "and the pig says, 'my wife is a slut!' "

~/~ Tuesday, April 20th, 2004 ~/~ "and the pressure is falling....."

Sometimes i feel my overall I.Q. drop about 50 points whenever i write about sports, because we all know that sportswriters are failed college educated journalists....

"Yeah i spent $200,000 going to Harvard so i could end up writing pointless blurbs in the newspaper 3 days a week bashing the local team's ownership for not spending enough money and bashing the fans who actually show up to the games and support the team. My logic is, if the team is not winning, there's no point to going to any game. Not one person should go."

And i feel stupid for paying 50 cents for your shitty column in a newspaper and supporting your dumbass. I don't know how many hundreds of times i've just wanted to stop what i was doing and write a letter or email to a writer and say what a dumb piece of shit he is and what a waste of ink his column was and to stop wasting everyone's time. Sometimes i wonder if they'd even bother reading it, or even if they did read it, it'd only be a quick scan 'cause of the mountains of hate-mail piled up or inboxes stuffed with emails and porn spam.

I once wrote to a baseball magazine (which to this day that magazine is the reason why i hate them and think they're a waste of time) complaining about their newly formatted magazine and hard-to-read charts and my overall displeasure with their crappy rag. And what happened? The stupid assholes actually wrote back to me and replied "some crazy person has been writing letters in your name". And that was it. That's all the letter said even tho it had a fancy-ass letterhead and signature. I of course crumbled up the letter and threw it in the trash and ended my subscription. Suffice to say, i don't remember one word that i read in those stupid magazines and i'm sorry i ever wasted my time reading them.

~/~ Monday, April 19th, 2004 ~/~ DUGB16 C 1 - Dugout Box 16 - 1:20pm - Wrigley Field

Monday was the day for the long-awaited trip to the ballpark with the best seats of our lives.... 3 rows back from the field...and only 15 feet from the Cubs on-deck hitter. and about 20 feet left of the Cubs dugout on the 3rd base side.

The day began with a quick shower and fighting early morning traffic at 8:30am. Stupid fucks don't know how to drive fast at 8:30. Here's a clue for you, Jack! 'Green means "go" ' and "gas pedal is on the right!" "Kick it in the ass!" I arrived at Alan's house and was immediately handed a delicious cheese egg muffin sandwich (thanks Alan!). Then it was all aboard the pain train to Chicago for phyllis, alan and i. If somebody tells you taking the train to the city is faster than driving, you have my permission to kick them in the shins. Yeah the idea is good of the train, but the idea is ruined when you have to make like 20 stops which prevents picking up any real speed. But luckily, no people smelled so the train ride was alright, man.

So after a i think 70 ( ! ) minute train ride, we all hopped on to the L which was another 20 minute adventure, which of course alan startled me by slapping me on the chest when i wasn't paying attention for when it was our stop to get off. Then it was a few mile hike to the center of Hell: Wrigley Field. And as you could imagine, it was like a fucking circus out on the streets... Fat, idiot cubs fans everywhere wearing their blue caps with the red C and their stupid cubs jerseys, vendors on the sidewalk selling shitty merchandise. We picked up our tickets and left one alas will-call for our friend and hero...Dennis. We walked past the turnstiles and proceeded toward the concession stand to take advantage of the early bird special. I of course got some nachos (cheese, super salty chips and chopped up green hot peppers) and a small pepsi. The cheese was surprisingly cheesy and flavorful....almost tasted like there was real cheese in it. Tasty!

Then we found our kick-ass seats and watched the Reds take batting practice and saw some moonshots. And of course, Phyllis put on her Matt Clement (the day's starting pitcher) beard...which was like this big chunk of black chin hair...which of course Matt Clement saw while he was taking his batting swings on deck and he probably wondered "what the hell is that?? a circus freak??"

It was an extremely windy day, winds coming out of the west over 25mph, but the temp was around 75 degrees and the sun kept it warm. We all looked around but we couldn't find Corey McPherrin on the field with the rest of the press. "Cor-ey!! come ON!" Then eventually it was game time and i got to see Wayne Messmer up really close and listened to him sing the National Anthem which he does a lot for Chicago sports teams. And we all sat there and enjoyed the start of the game. Then the bullshit began to happen.

Vendors! God damn vendors! I of course had an aisle seat, and of course, the god damn vendors have to walk alllllllllll the way down the last row and scream "beer!" or "hot dog!" or "cracker jack!" or whatever overpriced crap they were selling (i'm sorry, but a hot dog does NOT fucking cost $5.25) nor should a warm 12 oz. can of beer that sells for 35 cents in the store in a case. These god damn vendors of course kept coming down the aisle almost every 5 minutes, sometimes sooner, sometimes two at a time. The party of 4 to the left and row below us were a bunch of alcoholics...they each spent over $200 on beer...dumbasses. But the thing that pissed me off the most about the experience, is the stupid god damn vendors blocking my view. My view was excellent...no screen in front of me....but with the god damn vendors standing there, it blocked out the pitcher and only left me seeing the batter. I was damn near close to screaming, "hey you long haired asshole! get the hell out of here and quit blocking my god damn view!" but i kept my cool.

I must reiterate this... Cubs fans are the most obnoxious and stupid fans on the planet. Must you fucking idiots scream and yell and clap after every Cub throws a strike or every ball a Cubs batter takes? Listen, when your stupid team is up 8-1 in the 8th inning, there is no fucking reason to scream after every strike or to boo after every ball...it makes no difference by then! Your fucking team has a 7 run lead with 3 outs to go..shut your fucking mouth. Must you fucknuts get up out of your seat after every inning to go piss / get more crap & inconveniencing those of us near the aisle who have to either stand up or move our long legs to the side? When I sneer at you, you better god damn say you're sorry about it. Oh, and i really didn't appreciate having idiot cub fans yelling in my ears during the whole game when all i did was sit there and watch the game.

Ah, heckling. It wouldn't be a baseball game without heckling. Apparently Phyllis has a grudge against the Reds' rightfielder Austin Kearns for whatever reason, and every time his 6th spot in the batting order came up, she'd yell "YOU SUCK!" which of course one time i immediately shouted at Kearns "YOU RULE!". Of course, after every time a Cubs batter swung and missed a pitch, i shouted, "that was right in his wheelhouse!" Alan was also very smug & smirky about his heckling chant he started when centerfielder Ken Griffey Jr was at the plate. "Junnnnnnnn-iorrrrrrrrr... Junnnnnn-iorrrrrrrrrrrrr... Junnnnnnn-iorrrrrrrrrrrrr." I was not impressed by any means. Extremely disrespectful and classless. what a classless act. classless. Of course, for the time time in my life, i was within 15 feet of Sammy Sosa...and i had no rocks to throw at him! Man! Oh, and around the 3rd or 4th inning, a foul ball started bouncing toward us and actually hopped the wall, which came to us on a check swing..and the assholes in front of us got the ball. I was within 3 feet of that ball..and i'll probably never ever be as close to a ball again. Also, apparently the Cubs ball boy was some stupid fat old man with a beard in shorts... and the asshole would run toward the foul balls and he'd never throw it into the crowd. You stupid old bastard! You suck! God damn you!

And of course, the Cubs hit a grand slam in the 7th inning. ugh, what a fucking horrible experience for a (closet) Sox fan. I was the only one out of 39,057 fans who wasn't standing up and cheering. And of course, I refused to stand up for "Take Me Out To the Ballgame" and i sure as hell wasn't going to sing. And well, the game eventually ended and the stupid Cubs won 8-1, ruining my day.
And a hungover Dennis with Jim Morrison sunglasses said he had to go to work. Damn it!

But on the way back to the "L" train, we stopped by a bar in the middle of Wrigleyville and there was a fat guy standing out on the sidewalk screaming something about chicken and free cubs tickets... so apparently if we the day's ticket stub from the game, they'd give up free buffalo drumsticks. So we sat down, had some Trader Todd's beer (which was really good for a light beer) and eventually after a long wait, we each got our own basket! We didn't expect that nor to get so much for free... it came with 5 little buffalo drumsticks..carrot sticks and this (i think) cucumber dipping sauce...it was actually pretty filling for a snack. We entered their stupid Cubs raffle for two free cubs tickets for a night game. Thank god i didn't win.

Eventually we finished up, hopped back on to the "L" train, then the train back home and me and alan eventually had this yummy chicken dinner with vegetables & spices in it. It was very tasty and delicious (thanks Phyllis!) Then Midnight came and we called it a day. We successfully hung for 15 straight hours and we didn't kill each other. Horray! (oh, and apparently Phyllis is going to kill me on August 23rd, 2004 and apparently i won't be able to stop this. just please sell my dead carcass to cannibals or you can throw me on the grill.)

~/~ Thursday April 22nd, 2004 ~/~ Oh **grunts**.......oh!

Alright, a few changes here. Since it's becoming a pain in the ass to move all this shit down every day, i'm back-logging all the entries which will be found in the upper righthand corner of this page.

New York Yankees at Chicago White Sox - 7:05pm - 34,030 in attendance at U.S. Prison Cell...ular Field.

Sox announcer: "Well, Ed! Thursday is of course Dollar Hot Dog Day at the ballpark...$2.50 for Kosher, and tho the Yankees are in town, but really it was the Dollar Hot Dog Day promotion who brought the fans to the seats! All 34,030 of them!!"

Well tonight, the White Sox just *barely* beat the Yankees and the game ended on a very close 6-4-3 double play (ground ball to the shortstop, tossed to the 2nd baseman & then tossed to the 1st baseman for all you young scorers out there). The Sox continue their 12-game homestand with the Tampa Bay Devil Rays coming to town tomorrow. The Cubs / Pirates game at Pittsburgh got rained out and will be made up as a doubleheader on May 28th. The Cubs return to Wrigley for 3 games against the New York Mets. I like that Pirates logo (early 1960s-1987). Reminds me of Long John Silvers. "Arrgh, matey! I like tarter sauce on me battered deep fried fish and me hushpuppies with french fries and lemonade! Arrrrrrrrgh matey!"

yeah, White Castle hamburgers may taste good and sound like a good idea, but oh, my poor anus! Seriously. I've taken some 4 shits today already and it's only 6:35pm. Who would have thought greasy burgers would be tough on the digestive system?? Those of you who don't know what White Castles are... aka "Slyders".. they're square 2 � inch by 2 � inch hamburgers...which come in their own baked and soft & light bun cooked right at the restaurant, and the burger is about a � of an inch thick, and is cooked on a smooth & sleek flat metal grill with finely diced onions..and is put on a bun with a few dill pickle slices & the bun is soaked in the onion grease & is served for .46 cents each. The average person can eat about 5 of these. My record is 12 in one sitting.

Last night after watching another dreadful rerun of "King of Queens" with guest star / golfing buddy Ray Romano, Kevin James was holding a huge bag of White Castles in his man-garage hangout with the tv & couch. Oh you son of a bitch! And after not having eaten dinner yet, I ended up buying 7 Slyders (about 3 more than i needed) and an extra biggie order of Wendy's fries (it was along the way) about 30 fries more than i needed. After stuffing myself stupid along with some whole milk & some pepsi, i eventually wandered to bed and passed out. Then this morning i was immediately waken up to the sounding of my tooting anus. Oh god, man.

~/~ Wednesday, April 21st, 2004 ~/~ A fountain of pills

"I'm soooooooo glad that certain baseball fans believe that Barry Bonds isn't a cheater and even if he did take steroids or supplements, that doesn't disqualify his stats or ruin the integrity of the game and that he himself Bonds is bigger than the game and above the law." Sometimes it really amazes me how stupid some people are. Whether it's because they're poorly educated, a San Francisco Giants fan or a Barry Bonds fan or just stupid in general.

Maybe they don't care about the game 'cause all they want to see is homeruns by an artificially-made cheater. It'll be a sad day for baseball when he hits 716 homeruns and 756 homeruns, because then people will say he's the greatest player of all time and that's just bullshit. The "man" is 39 years (40 in july) old...a time when every other baseball player is rapidly declining in skills and stats...and yet Bonds seems to get bigger and stronger and his stats go higher and higher. What gives? Has he found a fountain of youth? A magic pill? Shock therapy?

I say Bonds is guilty until proven innocent because these are extreme circumstances... he is a suspect in the murder of the integrity of the game. And Sadly, it may be too late to find out what substances he's been pumping into his body over the years. Our only hope is either a confession or to catch him in a drug test. And knowing the arrogant asshole he is, he'll never confess 'cause there's no reason to. It'll be a sad day for baseball if he breaks Hank Aaron's all-time homerun record. It's a day and age where science more than ever is alternating the realities of life and the game.

~/~ Saturday, April 24th, 2004 ~/~ "i don't want to be in your crappy band for jerks"

God saturdays suck. It's the only day of the week that the Simpsons aren't on tv. Speaking of that, there's a chance the Simpsons will be canceled by the end of the month 'cause the 6 main voice-actors still haven't got a contract and are demanding a 300% pay-raise, would end up bumping the actors to over $6 million each for a year's commitment for 22 episodes. And of course, right now, and i quote from an article on this subject, "In contrast to numerous other successful shows, [none of the syndication and other ancillary profits] is being distributed to the actors. There's no back-end position at all." Which of course means, the actors get nothing from DVD sales.

Hmmmm... I'd say the actors are at the disadvantage, 'cause the shows has been on so long and Fox already has a sweet deal as it is. Personally, I'd just end the show now and wait for the movie to come out in a few years. But it all depends on how much money Fox is making off of it rather than the quality of the show. And everyone can vouch that the quality of the show has dropped in the past 3 years. Really, is there anything else left to be done on the show? What's left to do? Grampa dying? Krusty getting hit by the mob? Bart coming out of the closet? Milhouse getting laid? Moe gets a cell phone? Otto crashes the bus and they all finally die? Or is it "The Simpsons are going to Kansas City!" ?

If i was Fox and a bastard, I'd just end the show now and replace it with another cheap reality tv show. As the article i read stated, it's getting to be too expensive to make more Simpsons episodes with those kind of salary demands.

~/~ Tuesday April 27th, 2004 ~/~ Next on the Food Channel: "The Drunk Chef Show"

"ahhhh!! Mah Jong tiles burned into my brain! I see them when i close my eyes! I see them when i sleep!" Maybe there is some side-effects to playing a game with tiny pieces for 4 hours at a time. By the way, that red cartoon Cleveland Indian's logo is named Chief Wahoo, the beloved mascot of the team since the 1940s.

Recently, i listed my top 5 tv shows that have been my favorites for the season. Those go as follows:

Madtv (FOX)
Arrested Development (FOX)
According To Jim (ABC)
Two and a half Men (CBS)
Still Standing (CBS)

A few things surprised me about this list. I listed Madtv as my favorite. I love sketch comedies, and this show seems to have gotten a lot better this year, or at least in the past 5 months, and the show isn't interrupted twice with two appearances of a crappy-ass modern band playing their Shit-Pop of the day, and this show is well rehearsed unlike certain OTHER saturday evening sketch comedies. Arrested Development is the break-out hit of the season, despite it being on Fox and not having the best ratings in the world, it's just a miracle it hasn't been canceled yet (Fuck you Fox for canceling "Andy Richter Controls the Universe"). You will also notice on my list, that there's no stupid teen drama shows, no stupid "Friends", no stupid cop or stupid fucking lawyer shows (booooooo!) or any cheap bastard reality shows.

The would-be # 6 pick would be Everybody Loves Raymond. Yes, i am a chump to the CBS Monday Night Powerhouse lineup of sitcoms. Also. that # 6 pick isn't saying much, because sitcoms & 99% of new tv is really bad.. and "Raymond" is the same shittin' story rehashed over and over and over. This is what you need to do: first off, Raymond does a string of things that really piss Debra off (i.e. golfing all the time, forgetting kids at the supermarket, scratching Debra's car, the Twin Son's playing in the oven while Ray's watching tv on the couch, eating a bunch of beans before going to bed at night) then finally, Debra gets so fucking pissed at Raymond she leaves him, takes the kids and divorces him. Then you'd have Robert, suffering from the anxiety from the smothering he's receiving from new bride Amy, finally will have a complete nervous breakdown and goes on a shooting spree (after all, he is a cop) & goes after a few family members and relatives. (somehow Raymond would end up losing his middle finger) Then you'd have old farts Frank and Marie finally die at the same time after barking at each other for 38 straight minutes. (this would be a 2-part episode).

Then Ray would make (another) special guest appearance on "King of Queens" and he & Doug Heffernan (Kevin James) would go golfing together and end up getting drunk on beer & eventually tipping over the electric golf cart on a steep bunker & accidentally drive into a lake and get electrocuted. (now what are you gonna do, CBS?! you have two slots to fill now!) And if you think this is all too morbid, i suggest (if you can bare it, that is) to start watching the first few seasons of "Raymond" in syndication (these can be spotted when Debra had short hair) and watch the current episodes (if you can handle ulcers developing) you'd see how this went from being a cute and funny show to a psycho-schizophrenic shouting match. Writers in the business call this "running out of ideas".

Oh yeah, anytime you have to start showing the same sitcom on more than one night in a week this is a tell-tale sign that your network is going down the shit hole.

~/~ Wednesday April 28th, 2004 ~/~ "if it gets stuck, kick it in the nuts. let the good times roll"

I wonder if it's a sign of insanity, watching too much tv or both. For awhile now, while sleeping i've been having dreams where TV celebrities are in them. Sometimes they're playing their character, or they're just being themselves. And it's really bizarre to be dreaming about doing things with celebrities you've never met, and for them to actually know you. It's funny how i seem to dream about people i don't know more than anyone else i know.

I also notice, that when i turn on the tv after watching it from the night before, i always have to turn down the volume. Apparently i grow deaf during the day and into the night and then return being less deaf in the morning.

and what's the deal with Walgreens? it's like a crappy convenience store without the gas pumps. i've been in them like 200 times in my life and i don't recall ever buying anything in one. I mean, what the hell do they sell? sandals? wrapping paper? weird smelly lotions? cheap crappy candy? I don't think they even have food or booze in the damn place. Oh, and of course they're popping up everywhere. It wouldn't be a mile without seeing a walgreens. Seriously, an official yellow pages online check showed there's 13 of them within a 6 mile radius of me. Talk about a crappy monopoly. And i refuse to go to a walgreens 'cause i'm not some teenager on a bicycle standing around in front of the store and chewing gum all afternoon.

~/~ Thursday, April 29th, 2004 ~/~ "you're just mad there's no clock in your hat."

Yes! it's finally happened! I've run out of things to say! So today's column will be just random thoughts and some MSN messenger screennames i've had all in no particular order.

i own the world's fattest race horse

-o-

i cut a man just to watch him bleed

-o-

gimme, gimme, gimme the honky tonk booze

-o-

you act like you've never been spat on before

-o-

' you know what annoys me? how every night, every single talk show host says "yeah, we have a really good show tonight!" i'd like to see some host try to make it a really bad show.

Host: "yeah, our guests are real assholes, half of the band isn't here and i didn't rehearse." "plus i'm not going to wear pants tonight or read the cue cards" "and i just took some Nyquil"

Then the host would tell really bad, offensive mean jokes. Then he'd insult the audience then mock them for even showing up.

Host: "yeah that Tom Hanks....fucking JERK! God tonight's musical band really sucks. I can't believe people actually like this shit. Talk about cookie-cutter riffs, bad covers and just total complete lack of any musical talent at all. You people are stupid. I couldn't care less if you didn't like my show. And i'm so sick and tired of all you assholes hooting and yelling during my monologue. "you're happy to be at a taping of my show" i GET it. I swear you people have the intellect of dog shit with a face to match. '

-o-

I have no problem with the idea of racing cars...it's just them making thousands of left turns on a single track that makes it so repetitive. Say, if NASCAR did races on open highway or in crowded downtown New York, that'd would definitely be interesting.

-o-

"you know if we stopped feeding the baby we wouldn't have to keep changing the diaper so much."

-o-

why isn't hot dog eating an olympic sport?

-o-

This week is National Diarrhea Appreciation Week.

~/~ Thursday April 15th, 2004 ~/~ Kansas City- Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey Sox Sweep!

well hello there, seldom visiting incompetent reader! there's a reason for a lack of updates on here. One of the reasons being i have nothing to say. Another being that i'm really starting to really hate the burden of doing this, with the 5 minute opening of pagebuilder, then moving everything down the page to include the new entry, plus farting around with the graphics. Tho the main reason for no new updates is because my piece of shit computer has been having screen problems.

Problems, like, as soon as windows starts, the stupid fucking screen would turn into a god damn scrambled shitfest of wavy lines in colors like pink, blue, white and grey. And of course, with no screen, you can't do anything, especially when it locks up your computer, forcing another reboot.
Sometimes it would have 5 to 15 minutes into windows, sometimes it would have right at very beginning, other times when i open up a document. Sometimes I'd get a window that says "video card driver failure" or "direct drawing problem" or something.

The problem seems to be the video card, because installing the newest or the original drivers does nothing to help. Moving the card to a different slot does nothing to help. Cleaning the dust in the grooves has done nothing to help. Installing a new version of windows did nothing. So finally, during a boot, i accidentally ripped out the card and apparently the once-thought broken internal display port now works perfectly. Of course, I can't play any video games on here....not that i could before, because all those games would lock up / scramble too.

Before I spend any money on a new video card, I'm going to wait and see what happens with this setup, if it does end up being a software or driver conflict, I'll try it on another computer and see what happens.

-o-

And what is it with this asshole guy on Blind Date that he's so god damn obsessed with breasts? So the hell what if she doesn't have big breasts. Does he have some kind of fucking malfunction of the brain? Did his mom breast feed him as a kid and now that after sucking on his mom's tit juice he has an unconscious need to be around big breasts? Let me tell you something, ladies. Big breasts are disgusting. And it's more stupid for you because when you get old (30) you'll start to have back problems. But anyways, i blame both men and women. It's only breasts, women, not a second fat ass.

Whoa Nelly! The Sox swept the K.C. Royals! Today's logos features existed altogether from 1976 thru 1978. White Sox travel to Tampa to play the Devil Rays for a 3-game weekend series and the Cubs won 2 out of 3 against the Pirates & continue their homestand with four games against the Cincinnati Reds.

Free counter

~/~ April 2nd, 2004 ~/~ No socks

AToday came with an early wake up call going and having 2 (free) beef n cheddars with a small curly fry with a cup of cheese for dipping and a cold diet Pepsi (Thanks, Brian!) It was a hell of a way to start the day. Best...breakfast....EVER. I noticed I've fallen a little behind in columns. Sorry 'bout that. Sometimes it's just hard to write about nothing, as simple as that sounds. TV pretty much sucked ass last night, and I didn't bother watching the Cubs / Diamondbacks game on TV 'cause it's still Spring Training and exhibition and not worth getting excited over. Or to trash the room over. Two days until Opening Day.

I realized something about myself. I don't know why I'm even a fan anymore of this team. I've decided not to go to any Sox games this year. I don't like what management has done, i.e. not resigning or trading for any good players, getting an inexperienced, loud-mouthed manager as a cheap move, and you still have Frank Thomas & Billy Koch aka "Kaptain Khaos". I personally believe Minnesota will win the A.L. Central and the Sox will maybe win 85 games. Gee, what a very unpopular and realistic thing to say in this town. And it of course pissed off all the White Sox fans. Face it, you only have two decent starters that will probably only win 14 games a piece, which won't even be close to push the team to the playoffs. Your 3rd, 4th and 5th starters are horrible, your bullpen is shaky and inconsistent and your closer falls apart like a chinese motorcycle or a 3-legged mule. And hitting, well.... since almost every hitter is on either steroids or vitamin supplements... hitting is a joke now. Sox fans are jerks, Sox management is stupid and cheap, and the team is sub par. Listen Reinsdorf, if you're too cheap to run the ballclub correctly, don't run it at all. Sell the damn team to someone who actually gives a shit. 'Cause Sox fans are tired of this shit. I'm almost ashamed to wear baseball caps with your team's logo on it.

~/~ April 3rd, 2004 ~/~ "It's worst than the 1st one but more expensive"

AHmm..I'm debating whether or not to put these up a day early or a day late, (or opposed to doing it the current one to three days late) since all sports columns are written one to 14 days in advance. But then again, all sports column suck! Also, I'd rather say "tonight i watched" or "today i did" instead of saying "last night" or "yesterday" but also, but the time the day is over it's time to go to bed and i'm so tired I can't write coherently or much at all.

Wow...um..NASCAR. just...wow. Not only do all those advertisments on the car make it look crappy, but the sport itself is boring to watch. Watching cars make thousands of left hand turns all afternoon is redundant. I just don't get it. Yeah, it's a fast car driving in a circle. What's the big deal? Even if i was there getting drunk by drinking cheap beer and chewing tobacco like everyone in the crowd does, it still wouldn't make NASCAR interesting. And I always find it amusing when you see NASCAR fans clutter up their trucks with all the stupid stickers and NASCAR flags and memorbilia. It's suposed to be a truck, not a fucking collage. (not college)

It just seems like a terrible waste of gasoline, tire rubber and air polution, y'all!

Donald Trump is supposed to host SNL tonight. I wonder how that'll turn out.

-o-

A showerhead can never have too much water pressure.
Any steak cooked well-done is over-done.
A pizza can never have too much cheese.

~/~ Sunday, April 4th 2004 ~/~ "You're fired!"

               Today is the final game in the season for the Chicago Blackhawks, who may be playing
               their last game for a very long, long time. The National Hockey League (NHL) player's
               agreement ends this September... with no hope of avoiding a strike because the owners
               need a salary cap and the players won't allow it. It's possible that most or all of the 2004-05 NHL season could be wiped out, along with some teams disappearing as well.

Of course, hockey is an afterthought in Chicago. It's unfortunate, tho. The team has been in town since 1926 and hockey used to be really popular here in the 1980s & '90s... tho the Blackhawks are the 2nd worst team in the league, will miss the playoffs again (6th time in 7years) and with no home games (41) broadcast on tv, it's easy to forget about a horseshit team that nobody cares about. Does anybody really give a fuck anymore? I mean, anyone? Hockey isn't the 4th most popular sport for no reason. So long, Blackhawks.

Donald Trump hosted a new SNL last night, and it gave new meaning to the phrase "complete massive overhaul needed". The opening sketch featured them doing a 'The Apprentice' parody where Trump ended up firing Jimmy Fallon instead of Amy Poehler & Finesse Mitchell (who? exactly). Firing Jimmy Fallon...perish the thought! You can fire the whole god damn cast, Trump....and start with headwriter since '97 Tina Fey.

Last night was another typical SNL, where twice the cast members took long pauses (some 15 to 30 seconds) to try to stop giggling... Darrell Hammond during the "Regis & Kelly" sketch and (surprise surprise) Horatio Sanz with Jimmy Fallon during the "Father and Son" sketch. Can't these idiots go one fucking episode without losing control? Very unprofessional. I don't know what the hell is going on (perhaps too much recreation in the Green Room) but why can't the cast keep it together? Yeah, the crowd cheers and roars at it, but that's because they're dumbasses and will laugh at anything. And another stellar performance by a non-actor host, staring straight to the side reading cue cards.

Next week Janet Jackson will be hosting & be the musical guest, and of course the only reason she's going to be on there is because of what happened at the Super Bowl and you know they're going to do some lameass obvious parody pertaining to that. And frankly, I think we're all sick of hearing about it. i could write about every episode this season, but they'd all have the exact same comments.

Cripes...the NASCAR is on the TV again. Around and around they go, everybody. woo fucking hoo. Tonight the baseball season kicks off with a night game of the Boston Red Sox at the Baltimore Orioles. Finally, kick it in the ass, baseball, 'cause I'm sick of hockey and basketball season.

Also the still untitled daily column project is celebrating its 1-week anniversary. Horray!