Jerry: You're missing the grand design here! If I don't go, I'm dead! Yeah. And it's a little hard to carry on a relationship when I'm stuffed with straw and formaldehyde.

Jerry: I need a lift in your el truck-o to the next town-o!

Frank: Guns don't kill people - postal workers do.

Leroy: I'm here to regulate funkiness.

Samantha: By the grace of God or I don't know what honey you have managed to Forrest Gump your way through this. If we run now, we're going to be running the rest of our lives.

Jerry: I'm not gonna kill you. But I am gonna have to shoot you.

Samantha: I have to ask you a question. It's a good one so think about it. If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to that point of enough is enough?
Jerry: Never.

Samantha: Real emotion transcends language Jerry. You don't have to understand their words to feel their pain.

Jerry: "Elllll-Camino!"

Samantha: I am a hostage? This is so Jerry.

Samantha: What was that?
Leroy: What?
Samantha: That moment?
Leroy: "What? What moment?
Samantha: Are you gay?
Leroy: As in happy?
Samantha: As in homosexual?
Leroy: What does my sexuality have anything to do with this?
Samantha: You just checked that guy out and had a 'moment'!

Leroy: Don't you love him?"
Samantha: I think that's the problem. We love each other too much.