Keith: There are several sacred things in this world that you don't ever mess with. One of them happens to be another man's fries. Now, you remember that and you'll live a long and healthy life.

James: I want to report a murder and a kidnapping.
Dispatcher: Did they take the body?
James: No, I have the body.
Dispatcher: Did you kill the victim, sir?
James: No, I didn't kill him.
Dispatcher: Have you been kidnapped?
James: No, I'm not the one who's been kidnapped. Listen, I know this sounds really strange...

James: Carl spends the evening with a beautiful woman and I'm stuck here with a lunatic and a corpse.