Max: Good morning, dickhead.
John: Hello, moron.

Grandpa Gustafson: He's taking the one eyed monster to the optometrist.

Grandpa Gustafson: Kids... can't live with them, can't shoot them.

Max: When I had an ulcer, I was farting razor blades.

Max: Well he started it!
Jacob: Oh, Gustafson started every fight since 1940.
Max: 1938!

Ariel: Gay or straight?
John: Huh?
Ariel: Heterosexual or homosexual?
John: Geez Louise!
Ariel: Well, it's a perfectly legitimate question.
John: Well, maybe in California, but here in Minnesota... Who-ho-ho-ho!

Max: You mean the low-life, ass-wipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson?
Snyder: Have you seen him?
Max: The man's crazy. Loco. Always hanging out around those kinky strip bars. You know, the ones where the men take their clothes off. That's of course if he's taken his medication.
Snyder: Medication?
Max: Yes, without it he could be anywhere. Wandering around talking to the trees. I'm telling you the man's a menace, he's always drinking, starting fights.