Brad: Hey, you guys had shirts on when you came in here.
Spicoli: Well sumptin' happened to 'em man.
Brad: Come on Spicolli, just put the shirts back on. See that sign?
all three: No shirt, no shoes, no dice, hahahahah.
Brad: Right, learn it, know it, live it.

Mr. Hand: Mr. Spicoli.
Spicoi: Thats the name they gave me. *Mr. Hand rips his schedule up* Hey your ripping my card.
Mr. Hand: Yeah.
Spicoli: Hey bud what's your problem?
Mr. Hand: No problem at all. I think you know where the front office is.
Spicoli: You dick!

Customer: It says one hundred percent guaranteed, you moron!
Brad: Mister, if you don't shut up, I'm going to kick one hundred percent of your ass!

Brad: I shall serve no fries before their prime.

Ron: It's warm.
Stacy: Yeah, it is. It's really warm. Wonder how long it'll last. *winces at her remark*

Mr. Hand: Why do you shamelessly waste my time like this?
Spicoli: I don't know.

Damone: Look at you: member of the honor roll, assistant to the assistant manager of the movie theater. I'm tellin' ya, Rat, if this girl can't smell your qualifications, then who needs her, right?

Damone: I can see it all now, this is gonna be just like last summer. You fell in love with that girl at the Fotomat, you bought forty dollars worth of fuckin' film, and you never even talked to her. You don't even own a camera.

Damone to Mark: You are a wuss: part wimp, and part pussy.

Damone: First of all Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl. "Oh, Debbie. Hi." Two, you always call the shots. "Kiss me. You won't regret it." Now three, act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. "Isn't this great?" Four, when ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move. "Now, the lady will have the linguini with white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice." And five, now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.

Spicoli to Brad: All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine.

Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill you and he's gonna kill me, he's gonna kill us!
Spicoli: Hey man, just be glad I had fast reflexes!
Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna shit!
Spicoli: Make up your mind, dude, is he gonna shit or is he gonna kill us?
Jefferson's Brother: First he's gonna shit, then he's gonna kill us!
Spicoli: Relax, alright? My old man is a television repairman, he's got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.

Stacy: When a guy has an orgasm, how much comes out?
Linda: A quart or so.

Science Teacher: Are you in my class?
Spicoli: I am today.