Assume Nothing

Grissom: I think your cell phone's vibrating.
Catherine: You heard that?
Grissom: Mm-hmm.
Catherine: You're back.
Grissom: Huh? *winks*

Stripper: I must've given them four, five lap dances each. They made my night.
Catherine: So, they were George. *Grissom is confused* Big tippers.
Stripper: No. They weren't the ones paying for it. The other couple was.
Grissom: The other couple?
Stripper: Yeah, we were all in the VIP booth over there. The four of them -- they came in together. The other couple just wanted to watch. So I assumed they were friends. Good friends. I didn't get a good look at the other two, but they slid that money across the table ...mmm, brick this big. So, like I said, they just wanted to doggie in the window.
*Grissom looks confused and turns to Catherine*
Catherine: Watch.
Stripper: And they were subbin' drinks left and right.
*Grissom looks confused and turns to Catherine*
Catherine: Ordering clear dinks to keep the party going.

Stripper to Grissom: I could be you're specimen. You could be my mad scientist.
Catherine: He already is, sweetheart.

Homebodies

Sara: Hey, we heard about your mummy in the closet. Very cool.
Nick: We got a 406 in Henderson, wanna trade?
Warrick: Ha! Nothing spells excitement like a B & E.

Warrick: Turns a grape into a raisin.
Grissom: Yeah. Well, the desert was makin' mummies long before the Egyptians.

Sara: It's always nice when they come out worse than when they went in.

Feeling the Heat

Archie: Electrocution through the phone line? I thought that was a myth.
Warrick: This look like a myth to you?

Sara: Classic lake date. Boy meets girl. Girl ends up dead.

Grissom: I had a case once where a soda can was the murder weapon. Suspect used it to bash in the victim's head.

Sara: Is there truly no place left in Las Vegas without slot machines?

Catherine: When are parents gonna learn a car is not a baby sitter?

Fur and Loathing

Catherine: PAFCON?
Grissom: Plushies and Furries convention. And we're looking for a bright blue plushie... I think. This is fascinating. A whole tribe of people that prefer to interact as furry animals instead of human beings.
Catherine: I think I'm having Hunter Thompson flashbacks this is weirding me out.
Grissom: It's not that weird. It's instinctual. Many native American tribes wore entire bear skins including the heads when they performed their war dances. They thought it made them brave.
Catherine: I'm not getting the brave thing.
Grissom: Think of stuffed animals as a Jungian archetype. What's the one quality they possess that a man like Bob Pitt might want?
Catherine: Uh...a full head of hair?
Grissom: They're lovable. We gotta divide and mingle. I'm gonna take in a lecture.

Brass: Well, the rancher's going to get off, Linda's dead, and Wolfie... skates with a misdemeanor.
Catherine: We took one look at those furry suits and thought "foul play," but this was really just a domestic dispute gone mad.
Grissom: Fur and loathing in Las Vegas.

Catherine: So he was shot and hit by a car.
David: Bad night.
Grissom: Even for a raccoon.
Sara: Why would someone use house paint on a car?
Hodges: Maybe he remodelled the breakfast nook and had some left over. Who knows? I've stopped trying to figured out what people do any more.
Sara: That's smart.
Hodges: Yeah I know.

Wolf: What's the password?
Catherine: E-I-E-I-O?

Catherine: Anything on Mr. Raccoon?
Warrick: Yeah, Robert Pitt. Court Ordered to AA after a DUI.
Catherine: That explains the thirty day chip. Maybe he fell off the wagon after he hit 31.
Warrick: Yeah, if I had to walk around dressed as "Rocky Raccoon" I'd have to be drinking too. I don't get this whole thing.
Catherine: Hey, Warrick it's Vegas. People come here to be animals.

Jackpot

Lt. Brooks: Hey, Einstein, we going to stand here all day or what?
Grissom: You're going to have to be patient, Lieutenant. The scene hasn't been released yet. You know, this may be a variation on an old native American form of punishment. The body was bound and buried up to its neck. Tree sap was poured over the head to attract ants.
Lt. Brooks: Punishment for what?
Grissom: You see? That's a good question.

Warrick: Did I miss a memo or something?
Catherine: Oh, no. Grissom's on a Safari.
Warrick: He's got you pushin' his paperwork, huh?
Catherine: Oh, no. I'm trying to avoid that.

Lt. Brooks: Should take them at least a couple of hours to get here.
Grissom: Well, that should give you enough time to burn down the barn.

Grissom: Oh, good the police. I would like to report a crime.
Lt. Brooks: No kidding?
Grissom: Yeah my vehicle was broken into and my field kit was stolen.
Lt. Brooks: That's gonna cramp your style.
Grissom: Not necessarily.

Lt Brooks: Let me guess, you like bugs?
Grissom: Yeah, I do. They're perfect. They always do their jobs.

*Grissom takes a picture of the officer taking the body to Vegas*
Lt. Brooks: What the hell was that for?
Grissom: Souvenir.
Lt. Brooks: Is that french for "evidence"?

Lt. Brooks: You don't keep any secrets, Mr. Grissom? Not even from your wife?
Grissom: I used to. I'm trying to change.

Invisible Evidence

Sheriff Atwater: We have nine hours left on the clock, Grissom.
Grissom: Well, the investigation, which is under my purview, has taken an unexpected turn. So, when I know something, you'll know something.
Sheriff Atwater: I don't like surprises.
Grissom: Me, neither.

Sara: You know what pisses me off?
Nick: Lots of things.

Nick: Hey, Grissom, that Sheriff checked with just about every tech in the lab looking for you. He's bugging for an update.
Warrick: I suggest you avoid him.
Nick: Why? What happened?
Catherine: Our only suspect may be innocent.

Warrick: How about what you said about never rushing the evidence?
Grissom: Well, for the next 24 hours, we're breaking the rules.

After the Show

Catherine: Your father ever tell you that you were pretty?
Sara: I guess.
Catherine: He ever tell you that you were smart?
Sara: Yeah.
Catherine: So it probably never occured to you that you wouldn't be sucessful. If all you ever hear is that you're gorgeous, you can let everything else fall away and land in a very dangerous place.

Catherine to Sara: I saw the look in Howard's eye. I used to make my living off of that look. He wanted me. We needed him. I decided to exploit that situation and as angry as it made you, when you're in my shoes you'll do the same thing.

Grissom Versus the Volcano

Catherine: In fifth grade I built one of these as my science fair project, it was awesome. First place should have been mine, but they ended up giving it to this kid with some lame red ant colony. That was you!
Grissom: Yeah, only my ants were black Argentineans.
Catherine: Uh-huh.
Grissom: I learned at a very early age that the bugs always win.
Catherine: Right.

Grissom: Here comes the press. You're on. I wish I could help but I got a vehicle to process.
Sheriff Atwater: C'mon, Grissom. Bomb goes off and everyone thinks it's a hit. What do you think?
Grissom: I'm not thinkin'. I'm lookin'.
Sheriff Atwater: That's good. Can I use that?

Coming of Rage

Grissom: Are these... Spaghetti-oh's?
Sara: I don't think so.
Greg: Nah, no. Those are orthodontic rubber bands. Hook 'em up to your braces uh... upper to lower, helps pull the jaw in the right direction. Also great for flinging. I had it all - palate expander, braces, retainer, headgear. Five years of torture, but worth every penny, don't you think?

Sara: You're not a victim, you were a lure. Do you know how many people don't report a rape because they're afraid that no one will believe them?
Ashley: Of course. That's what I was counting on.
Sara: I'm gonna do everything in my power to make sure you're tried as an adult.
Ashley: Good luck. I dress up real nice. Couple barretts, little lace collar, two dead parents. I'll be the saddest little girl in the world.

Sara: Clothing, $85. Earrings, $30. Latte, $4. Getting away with murder...
Grissom: Priceless.

Eleven Angry Jurors

Jervis: I lost my temper.
Catherine: You sure it's lost?

Grissom: There's no tag cells, and she's not a natural blonde, and it looks synthetic.
Brass: Hey, this is Vegas baby.

Greg: No she didn't.
Sara: Greg, she told Warrick she put peanut butter in the chili.
Greg: I don't care if Mr. Peanut was taking a bath in the vic's lunch. It's not what killed him.

Nick: I'm not you, Grissom.
Grissom: Good. We certainly don't need another me around here.

Butterflied

Doc Robbins: Dismembering an adult male with this much presision and without cutting through the bone. 12 hours minimum.
Catherine: Half of a day. That's patience.
Doc Robbins: The, uh, patella was cleanly removed. And with one slice, the femur was separated from the tibia and the fibula. There's a perverse elegance to this butchery.
Catherine: Well, I'm not so sure I see it that way. A killer with knowledge of anatomy who's tool is a scapel. I think that the butcher was a doctor.

Catherine: Don't tell me you never went home.
Grissom: Okay. *pause* I just got started in here. I haven't even gotten to the other rooms yet.
Catherine: You know you lose your edge after 16 hours. But you're in your 3rd shift. I mean I'm all for overtime but this is just plain greedy.
Grissom: My knees can't take this anymore.
Catherine: Have you eaten anything?
Grissom: What did you bring?
Catherine: I'll see what's in the fridge. *Moves to the kitchen*
Grissom: We have to replace that, you know.

Catherine: One thing I can never get over about this job: anything can happen to anybody.
Grissom: That's why we're here.

Grissom: It's sad isn't it Doc? Guys like us. A couple of middle aged men who have allowed thier work to consume thier lives. The only time we ever touch other people is when we're wearing our latex gloves. We wake up one day & realise that for 50 years we havent really lived at all. Then all of a sudden we get a second chance. Somebody young & beautiful shows up, somebody, we could care about. She offers us a new life with her, but we have a big decision to make, right? Because we have to risk everything we've worked for in order to have her. I couldn't do it. But you did. You risked it all. And she showed you a wonderful life didn't she. But then she took it away & gave it somebody else, and you were lost. So you took her life. You killed them both & now you have nothing.
Dr. Lurie: I'm still here.
Grissom: Are you?
*Dr. Lurie leaves. Behind the glass, Sara is there*

Suckers

Grissom: Sara?
Sara: Hmm?
Grissom: Do you have any duct tape in your kit?
Sara: Yeah, that's what I use to keep it together.

Greg: *whips out a wooden stake and holds it out to Catherine* For you ... *Catherine takes the stake. Greg holds out a crucifix for Warrick* ...and you. Just in case.

Grissom: This is not a crime scene. *An alarm goes off and they walk inside to find the security guard taped up and a case smashed* This is a crime scene.

Ty Caulfield: What's this?
Grissom: This is what's left of your $10 million.
Ty Caulfield: Thank you for reminding me.
Grissom: Do you know how much $10 million weighs? 220 pounds. Your lifeguard, Nathan Pollard-- 5'6", 140 pounds.
Ty Caulfield: Strong little bastard.

Paper or Plastic

Officer Formansky: Before this goes any deeper I wanna hear it from you, are you gonna try and screw me on this? Well?
Grissom: Well, I guess that depends on whether or not I get stuck in traffic on the way to your hearing.

Brass: If he says yes, he's a bad cop. If he says no, he's a liar.
Grissom: Maybe he really doesn't know what happened.

Early Rollout

Brass: Hey, what are you doin' after work?
Grissom: More work.

Grissom: The goal of any supervisor is to teach someone to take his place someday.
Catherine: Are you goin' some place?
Grissom: You never know.
Catherine: Are you considering me?

Catherine: You drag a body away. Not down a driveway for the whole world to see it.
Grissom: Unless that was the point.

Catherine: Ugh, early morning call out, the worse. Where did you come from?
Grissom: Home.
Catherine: You get any sleep?
Grissom: No, you?
Catherine: About a half an hour.

Getting Off

Sara: What?
Grissom: I haven't seen you for a while have I?
Sara: You see me everyday.

Grissom: Sara? Could you help me out?
Sara: Sure. With what?
Grissom: A woman. *Sara looks confused* I need you to process a female suspect for me.

Jamal: Whoa, who gonna pay for that hole in my ride, man.
Brass: Your ride? This was never your ride. This car belongs to Ed Bernell.
Jamal: Finders keepers baby, I go to bag me some ho's.
Brass: What drug is he on?
Warrick: I don't know, whatever it is he took too much or not enough.

XX

Hodges: Since when did you become an insect expert?
Sara: Entomology textbook, Grissom gave it to me last Christmas... when I can't sleep I read.
*Nick and Hodges share a look*
Nick: Funny I didn't get a Christmas gift from Grissom, did you?
Hodges: No.

Brass: Hitch a ride under a bus. Well, that's one way to get out of jail.
Nick: Yeah. And I bet this big boy spit up body parts all the way down the road.
Catherine: So, if a bus is traveling 65 miles per hour, what's the distance between the tip of her nose and the tip of her toes?

Bad to the Bone

Warrick: What do you think, Grissom? Been down here at least 3 years?
*Grissom sniffs, around it*
Grissom: It's probably more than 3 years.
Brass: You're kiddin' me, right?
Grissom: Rule of thumb is if the skull smells bad it's usually under 3 years. But this one smells like dirt.

Brass: Tony Sciarra from Philadelphia.
Grissom: So much for brotherly love.

Brass: Our vic Tony just checked into the hotel. Didn't even unpack his bags.
Grissom: He made enemies fast.

Bad Words

Grissom: What's it used for?
Hodges: Mostly Greg-Sanders-Wear. Um, names, airband logos, innane sayings, anything that could be put on a tshirt.

Sara: You know that's seven years bad luck.
Brass: More like seven to ten.

Catherine: We're going to need a urine sample from each of you to rule you out for nicotine.
Jessica Abernathy: My house burned down and my daughter is dead. And you're askin' me to pee into a cup. Sure. Why not?

Grissom: *reading an obese victim's shirt* "735"?
Brass: His goal weight?

Dead Ringer

*Grissom playing "Chariots of Fire"*
Catherine: What the hell kinda music is that?
Grissom: Insipiration.
Catherine: Sedative.
Grissom: Okay. *changes the radio to so it plays country music now* How's this?
Catherine: How 'bout something that doesn't twang? *He changes it to "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" by Jet* Better.

Grissom: Sooner or later, everybody gets replaced.
Mendez: Talk to me when it happens to you.

Lt. Mendez: Those the best you got? *Point over to Grissom and Catherine*
Brass: Yeah, yeah, you got lucky.
Lt. Mendez: Well, if they're not I'll fly mine in.
Brass: Let me put it to you this way - I'd want them investigating my murder.

Turn of the Screws

Greg: I found something a little unusual for a roller coaster. Not a sailor but a...
Sara: Semen, on a roller coaster.

Sara: What? Sex on a rollercoaster?
Greg: Or some kid shaking hands with Shorty.

Greg: Nuts don't just pop off by themselves.

No More Bets

Grissom: He's wearing a wig and a fat suit. It's not Halloween, is it?
Catherine: In this town, it's always Halloween.

Warrick: They used to tell me back in the day that if you were caught cheating you'd get a couple whacks on the hand with a ball peen hammer.
Doc Robbins: Ow.
Warrick: Second time you got caught you'd lose a limb.
Doc Robbins: Third time?
Warrick: A long walk in the desert with a shovel.

Bloodlines

Todd Coombs: This is harassment. I've already given you guys a DNA sample.
Grissom: You know that bone marrow donation you gave to your brother? I checked your medical records, his body rejected it and he died. I'm guessing that's when you found out about your unique condition.
Todd Coombs: The doctors explained it. I'm a creature of myth.
Grissom: A chimera. A head of a lion, body of a goat, tail of a dragon. You're a genetic anomoly. One person two completely different sets of DNA.

Sara: What?
Grissom: How many vacation days do you have on the books?
Sara: About ten weeks, I guess. Why?
Grissom: I think you should take a week or two.
Sara: I'm still on the case. I just didn't do the interview for once in my life. When was the last time that you took a vacation, never, right?