Revenge is Best Served Cold

Grissom: Essentially it was death by chocolate.

Nick: Well, it's flat. You could still land a plane here.
Detective Lockwood: Yeah, but in the middle of nowhere?
Catherine: Perfect place to dump a body.

Grissom: Well... poker's not a game of interaction. It's a game of observation. I used to study people. And then I guess I, uh... got bored. Now I study evidence.

Nick: There's a reason it's illegal.
Catherine: Yeah. Kids end up dead.

The Accused is Entitled

Marjorie Wescott: A murder investigation at the residence of one Charles Renteria. Eyewitness stated he saw you and your supervisor Gil Grissom standing alone outside and... you were touching him in a romantic gesture.
Sara: I brushed chalk from his face.
Marjorie Wescott: Is that what they're calling it now?
District Attorney: Objection, your honor.
Sara: Drywall dust. We were looking for a body.
Marjorie Wescott: It's a fair question, your honor. Just how far will Ms. Sidle go on the evidence to please her boss, Gil Grissom, whether he returns her attentions or not?

Grissom: You look nice.
Sara: Thanks, wish me luck.
Grissom: Whatever happens today it's not because you're dating this guy. You deserve to have a life.

Warrick: Oh, CSI's on trial now?
Grissom: CSI's always on trial, Warrick, you know this. Burden of proof is on us.

Let the Seller Beware

Grissom: Greg!
Greg: Yeah.
Grissom: Take off your shoes and socks.
Greg: See, now we're getting into this whole strip forensics thing and I'm not too sure I can hang with that - even if you are my boss.
Grissom: Your mother's maiden name was Hojem? Hojem is Norwegian, right? Greg: That's right and you know my grandfather was tossed from Norway for getting my grandmother pregnant before they got married. To this day he still tells me "Som man reder sa ligger man". *pause* One must lie in the bed one has made.

Sara: It's just, um... you tell me to get a life and then I get one, and then you expect me to be there at a moment's notice. It's... um... confusing.

Brass: Hey, I'm from Jersey, we swim at the shore.

Nick: I mean, I don't get it. She's not even slated to work. She comes in on her day off and she gets to work solo.
Warrick: You still harping on the solo thing? You know every time you work with me you learn something.
Nick: Is that right?
Warrick: Yes.

Sara: Cyrus, next time someone says experimenting with drugs is harmless, remind me of this.

Det. Lockwood: Did you eat dinner yet?
Sara: Yeah, why?
Det. Lockwood: You may be seeing it again.

Catherine: The thing about murder for hire, there�s always a paper trail.

Sara: Tell me this is raw chicken skin.
Greg: Well, it�s raw. And it�s skin.

A Little Murder

*After she was attacked at a crime scene, she fell into the victim's blood*
Catherine to Warrick: Don't touch me, I'm evidence.

Grissom: I think we look for the differences in each other to prove that we�re not alone.

Sara: Different types of dwarves, different kinds of status.
Grissom: Hey, discrimination works both sizes.

Warrick: The neighbors heard shouting. Two guys break and enter and get into some kind of an alternation.
Catherine: One ends up killing the other.
David Phillips: And almost Catherine. *Catherine gives him a look* That had to be scary, huh?
Catherine: I didn't have time to be scared, David.

Melanie Grace: Does he ever talk?
Sara: Yeah. At, uh, random intervals.
Grissom: I was admiring your reaching tool.
Melanie Grace: I have one I use to wipe my tush with. Would you like to take a look at that, too?

Abra Cadaver

Zephyer to Grissom: And they say, they save their best trick for last.

Grissom: You know how this trick works?
Punky: I only control the stage part. *Grissom looks at him, but he's not buying it* Yeah.
Grissom: Good, make me disappear.

The Execution of Catherine Willows

Grissom to Jim: Makes me very uncomfortable to realize maybe this guy is smarter than me.

Greg: Hey, I hear you're cheating on me with an out-of-state DNA analyst.
Catherine: Apples and oranges, Greg. Fifteen-year-old hair samples no roots, room-temperature storage.
Greg: Room temp?
Catherine: Yeah, that's how we stored hair evidence back then. Microscopy was king.
Greg: Really? I thought Elvis was king.
Catherine: And you are how old?
Greg: Age is irrelevant in our relationship.
Catherine: Maybe so, but face it, Greg you just don't have the equipment.

Fight Night

Dr. Robbins: You say tomato...I say cause of death.

Grissom: Welcome to fight night.

Nick: Yeah, but it's like Night of the Pifflings out there and I'm on a smash and grab.
Grissom: Pifflings?
Nick: Puffin offspring. First time out of the nest every year they crash land in this town near Iceland because they are attracted to the lights of human civilization. It's the same way people flock to Vegas for a fight.
Grissom: Animal Planet.
Nick: How come when you talk about bugs everyone says you're a genius but when I talk about birds everyone says I watch too much television?
Grissom: I don't know.

Grissom: Or how much damage a human body can sustain. A heavyweight can land a punch at a thousand pounds per square inch.

Snuff

Film Processor: I've processed hundreds of bogus snuff films. But this, this one just felt different.
Catherine: Yeah, it should. arterial spray was real.
Grissom: It's not fake blood. It's human. That was a murder... on 16 millimeter.

Sara: Why are you throwing phone books?
Warrick: 'Cause a beaker gets glass all over the place.

Sara: I'm fine.
Warrick: I'm sorry. Are you okay?
Sara: Yeah. You missed my by a mile.

Nick: You ever ride a horse, Grissom?
Grissom: Nope, just rollercoasters.

Brass: Man or Woman?
Grissom: Ant hill.They're using this body as a colony site. I'm going to have to take this box and the specimen back to the lab as is. These insects are evidence.

Grissom: The definition of the word 'retard' is to hinder or hold back. I'm afraid your life is about to become 'retarded.'

Blood Lust

Sara: You know you pulled me away from a forensic anthropology seminar, right? It's required. It's part of the continuing education program.
Grissom: Well, I'm sorry, but everyone seems to have something to do today. I have a teenager who was run over by a taxi. He wasn't hit by it; that's not what killed him. He was stabbed, fatally. For now, I have no ID, no suspects and no primary crime scene. I need you.

Grissom: Tell me something I don't know.
Dr. Robbins: Ok, when I was seven I quit karate class because a kid half my size made me cry.
Grissom: About the body...

Grissom: How much do you weigh?
Warrick: That's between me and my trainer.
Grissom: Do I need to get a scale?
Warrick: A buck ninety-five, give or take a doughnut.
Sara: Don't even ask, I'm not telling you.
Grissom: Warrick, would you lie down on the floor?
Warrick: I don't get paid enough to play dead.
Grissom: Please? *Warrick lays down* Sara, grab Warrick's right arm and see if you can drag him across the room.
Sara: This does have something to do with the case right?
Grissom: You don't trust me?
*She gets up and drags Warrick across the room*

Grissom: Gene Rayburn.
Greg: What?
Grissom: Point of reference.
Greg: Uh... Match Game... Nipsey Russell, Fannie Flagg, game show network. Look, I don't have time for your humor. Ecklie's got a multiple, Warrick tells me his home invasion is my top priority and I'm still backed up on Catherine's no-suspect rape. One servant, many masters. You know what I'm saying?
Grissom: Greg, this is your DNA lab. You are the master. We serve you.
Greg: Well your stuff just moved to the top of the pile.

High and Low

Nick:: Flying? You're a genius.
Warrick: Of course.

Lea: *about the Tattoo artist* He's also got a PhD.
Warrick: So he gets into your head, and under your skin.

Recipe for Murder

Grissom: We're gonna have to dismantle this piece by piece.
Catherine: Yeah.
Grissom: I'll get a foreman.
Catherine: I think I can handle this.
Grissom: You know about meat grinders?
Catherine: Well, everything's pretty much plumbing. Male into female parts. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.

Chef Ross: 20 guys are into me for recreational substances. That doesn't mean they'd cut up a body for me.
Catherine: Ground it up. We're thinking you did the actual filleting.

Catherine: Blood, coke, and semen. These people were doing everything in this kitchen but cooking.

Hostess: Hi, last name?
Grissom: We don't have reservation. We're here...
Hostess: *on the phone* Party of four? Three weeks from Thursday? Let me see...
Catherine: Excuse me but you don't understand...
Hostess: No, I'm sorry you don't understand. Your walk-in's in a very busy night. We're short a chef.
Catherine: We know. He's dead.
Grissom: Not only dead. Dismembered. We're with the crime lab.
Hostess: I'll get the owner.

Got Murder?

Warrick: Hey, I hear David's resurrecting the dead now.
Grissom: Yeah, our little miracle worker.

Warrick: Fred Sterns just passed away. Again.
Grissom: Dead guy. Not funny.

Catherine to Grissom: We're up a tree and you're quoting Poe.

Grissom: Well, someone's missing a contact.
Catherine: That's not all they're missing.

Random Acts of Violence

Grissom: If this is evidence, it needs to be tagged and catalogued.
Warrick: This is the same guy who shot Matt's daughter in the head and he's walking around laughing at us!
Grissom: Can you prove that?
Warrick: What's this? I've been putting guys away like this for years and now that it matters it seems like you're holding me back here!
Grissom: The job, Warrick is to process evidence objectively and without prejudice.
Warrick: I'm so sick of hearing that. I've heard it a million times! I can't be a robot like you. I actually care about these people!
Grissom: You know what, you're not working on this case anymore. I'll have another assignment for you tomorrow.
Warrick: Keep it.
Grissom to everyone in the lab: Where were we?
Bobby: At a dead end.
Grissom: Go back to work.

Greg: All work and no play makes Greg a dull boy.
Grissom: All play and no work makes Greg an unemployed boy.

Archie: Oh Serina, you can defrag my hard drive any time.

Greg: I thought we had a relationship going! What are you doing taking Archie into the field instead of me?
Nick: Right tool for the right job, man.
Greg: What do you mean?
Nick: Hey, Archie? What's that "Star Trek" episode with that guy and the forehead thingy and the time portal...?
Archie: Original, TNG, Deep Space Nine, Voyager or Enterprise?
Greg: Point taken.

One Hit Wonder

Grissom: The best intentions are fraught with disappointment.
Sara: Emerson?
Grissom: Grissom.

Greg: The semen sample had very little sperm in it.
Nick: That's probably from excessive masturbation. The guy's ejaculating more sperm that he produces.
Warrick: You'd know, spanky.

Jacqui: The guy was pressing really hard on that window.
Catherine: Well, with one hand anway.

Lady Heather's Box

Grissom: It's amazing how the sight of blood can clear a room.

Lady Heather: Do you like my lipstick?
Grissom: Why?
Lady Heather: You've been staring at my lips.
Grissom: You have very lovely lips.

Lady Heather: Unfortunally the laguage we speak in here doesn't necessarily translate to the world out there.
Grissom: No, in here, the submissive has the power... all he has to do is say the safety workand everything stops.
Lady Heather: Very good, Mr. Grissom.
Grissom: I'm just repeating what I've heard.
Lady Heather: You're a good listener.
Grissom: Part of the job.
Lady Heather: So, this is work?
Grissom: Yes, but I value your insight.
Lady Heather: I'm flattered...but you already seem to know the answers to your questions. You keep me in proximinity when I walk away. When I'm close you watch my lips. Are you losing your hearing?
Grissom: I'm losing my balance.
Lady Heather: Your sense of self?
Grissom: No, I know who I am.
Lady Heather: Do you?
Grissom: Yes... I do. *He touches one side of her cheek with one hand then the other with his other hand You can always say "stop".
Lady Heather: So can you.

*Lady Heather gets up and goes to the Mirror knowing that Grissom is there*
Brass: Is it something I said?
Lady Heather to Grissom: I'm disappointed in you, but not suprised. You fear me because I've commited the one unforgivable act.
Brass: No, it's more like two acts... of murder.
Lady Heather to Grissom: I know you. And I know that in your heart I know you don't believe I did this.
Brass: Lady Heather this has nothing to do with the heart, it's all about the evidence.

Sara: What the hell are you doing? Do you know where you are?
Catherine: I've been here alot longer than you.
Sara: Then you should know better.
Catherine: And I wouldn't have to be here if you were doing your job properly!
Sara: There is a difference between me doing my job and you wanting to do it for me. You don't want to get the job done. What you want right now is revenge.
Catherine: You're gonna tell me what I want, huh?
Sara: Go home, Catherine. Be with your daughter she's the one that needs you.

Dr. Robbins: Catherine, you can't say goodbye in an autopsy room.

Grissom: I owe you an apology.
Lady Heather: Apologies are just words.

Grissom: I would like to come in.
Lady Heather: Of course you would. Say the magic word.
Brass: Warrant?

Lucky Strike

Nick: There's a sucker born every minute.
Grissom: Yep, and they all come to Vegas.

Detective Cyrus: Death: the cheapest show in Vegas.
Grissom: Yeah. it doesn't suprise me. Remember the MGM fire? We found people burned to their slot machines cause they wouldn't leave the action.
Detective Cyrus Only in Vegas.

Grissom: Bats are like bees, Nick. Don't bother them, and they won't bother you.
Nick: Let's not bother them... I mean it.

Crash and Burn

Greg: So does that thing tell you why?
Sara: What do you have, Greg?
Greg: Well, maybe she had the munchies. Tox screen came back. Ms. Lombart tested positive for cannabis sativai.
Sara: Grass?
Greg: "Grass"? So 70's, man. Sticky green, the dank, the chronic, the cush, the happy stick, wacky-tobaccy..
Sara: Well, wait, wait, wait. Grandma was high?
Greg: Yeah.
Sara: Grandma was high?
Greg: *pretends he's inhailing* As a kite.

Sara: An old Jaguar with a GPS unit. That's strange.
Catherine: Yeah, not your granny's oldsmobile.

Catherine: You got plans?
Sara: Nope.
Catherine: You wanna get a beer?
Sara: Drive.

Precious Metal

Grissom: So, let's see. You surf, you scuba dive. You're into latex, you like fashion models and Marilyn Manson. And you also have a coin collection?
Greg: Weird, ha?
Grissom: Well, I race cockroaches.

Grissom: What happened to your enthuasism, Greg?
Greg: Well, everytime I make a DNA match in here my world gets a little smaller. Out there I felt large.
Grissom: Out there... means a pay cut.
Greg: It's not about the money.
Grissom: That's good to know.
Catherine: I know what it must've been like for you having created something only to lose it.
Luke: Lemme guess, you have a kid?
Catherine: Yes, I have a daughter.
Luke: And you think that just because you squeezed a baby out from between your legs you know how I feel. That's biology, any animal could do that.
Catherine: Uh-huh.
Luke: I took an idea from my head and made it real. It was... perfect.
Catherine: Then I guess the only flaw was you.

Catherine: Hello.
Bouncer: The cover's 25 bucks each.
Brass: *pointing at his badge* I got a coupon.

A Night at the Movies

Catherine: Hi, what'd I miss?
Grissom: Murder, seduction, deceit. The usual.
Catherine: Mmm. This one of your favorites?
Grissom: Actually, I'm not a big fan of noir.
Catherine: Okay...Well, what do you like?
Grissom: I like silent movies.

Catherine: Mr Siskel. Mr Ebert. May I have a cause of death?

Catherine: Ooh. Theatres are like night clubs... you should always keep the lights off.
Grissom: This is the last art house left in Vegas. I saw Baraka here, on a double bill with Koyaanisqatsi.
Catherine: Was there anyone else here?
Grissom: Sure.
Catherine: With you?
Grissom: No.

Greg: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer. Swab one down, run it through CODIS, ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall.
Nick: Whatever happened to "take on down and pass it around"? That was the best part.
Greg: You know us lab rats have to do something to get through the day.

Sara: So what is it?
Hodges: Give me some time, I'm not a miracle worker.
Sara: Well, that's obvious, Hodges, or else you wouldn't be rude.
Hodges: I wasn't being rude, I was being curt. Rude would be "When I know, you'll know." Friends?
Sara: No.

Last Laugh

Brass: Did you hear the one about the comedian who died onstage?
Catherine: Ba-dum-bum
Brass: I'll be here all week.

Doc Robbins: The answer is, snorting it, injecting it, or smoking it.
Grissom: Alright, Alex... What are the three most common ways of taking cocaine?
Doc Robbins: The answer is, clear lungs, clean nasal passages, and no track marks on the body.
Grissom: Continuing this childish metaphor... What is the cause of death?
Doc Robbins: You'll just have to wait until Final Jeopardy!

Forever

Catherine: I'm gonna find out what Rone's mothers madien name is.
Grissom: What's his mother got to do with it?
Catherine: She may have sold me my engagment ring.

*Catherine and Nick had found a lot of semen on the bed and she finds a condom*
Catherine: Ooh, looky here a little DNA party. *picks up the trash can* Bloody towels.
Nick: Well, at least something made it into the trash can.

Grissom: First witness, first suspect.
Catherine: The horse?
Grissom: Of course.

Play with Fire

David: 98.1
Nick: She's been dead less than an hour.
Grissom: The killer's still on her.

Archie: Nevada State Correctional Facility. Pretty casual for a prison.
Grissom: It's medium-security...
Nick: ...for nicer criminals.
Archie: Right.

Nick: Hey, who's working trace tonight?
Sara: Hodges.
Nick: Oh, great. I guarantee you that kiss-ass will have the results to Grissom before we do.

Grissom: Are you ok?
Sara: Uh-huh.
Grissom: *the cut on her hand* Honey, this doesn't look good.

Robert Cavallo: What'd you do to my lab, Grissom?

Robert Cavallo: This is a priority. I wanna know how this happened.
Grissom: And who's to blame.

Hodges: I know what this is. You guys heard those rumors about me from LA. You know how much Grissom depends on me so you figure let's get rid of him. I'll lawyer up before I let you pin the tail on the new donkey.
Warrick: Start dialing.

Warrick: Then who blew up the lab?
Catherine: I did.

Grissom: Unlogged evidence gets placed under the fume hood. A hot plate was left on. It's a lab. It's nobodys fault.
Catherine: It's my responsibility. I didn't follow procedure.
Robert Cavollo: Why not?
Catherine: Because there's 24 hours in a day, and I'm pulling 16 for the county, spending three pretending to sleep, and the other five... lying to my daughter that everything is gonna be alright.
Robert Cavollo: There were 13 active cases in DNA. They are all now tainted or destroyed.
Catherine: What do you wanna hear? I screwed up. I'm sorry.
Robert Cavollo: "Sorry" doesn't cut it. You're on suspension. Five days unpaid leave. *she walks out and Grissom gets up to leave to* Grissom! We're not done here. I've heard rumors you've been kicking back Willows' reports.
Grissom: One report. The Jenkins case she made a miscalculation and I've asked her to re-issue the report.
Robert Cavollo: Great. While you're at it, maybe she can re-issue the lab explosion.

Robert Cavollo: It's not your job to protect your people. It's to protect the integrity of this lab.
Grissom: Without the people, there is no lab.

Nick: Who takes a tape recorder with them on vacation?
Brass: Well, I keep one by the bed just in case I dream anything useful.
Nick: Hmm?
Brass: What? I can't have deep thoughts? *Nick just looks at him and Brass laughs* Just kidding.

Sara: Would you like to have dinner with me?
Grissom: No.
Sara: Why not? Let's ... Let's have dinner, let's see what happens.
Grissom: Sara ... I don't know what to do about this.
Sara: I do. By the time you figure it out, you really will be too late.

Inside the Box

Grissom: Nick, give me that apple.
Nick: *looks at the apple he's been eating* But I didn't get any lunch...
Grissom: You're not supposed to be eating in here, so give it.

Brass: Where's he going?
Catherine: Let's just hope he stops.

Catherine: How long have we known each other?
Grissom: In weeks, months or years?
Catherine: I'm serious here. *muffled* Can you hear me?

Doc Robbins: I wish you had come to me sooner. The contision is pretty far along. Why'd you wait?
Grissom: I hoped it would go away.
Doc Robbins: Doesn't your mother have this condition?
Grissom: Yeah. It's hereditary. I know I wasn't rational.
Doc Robbins: Look, Gil. I'm not gonna preech to you, you came to me. But Doctor to Doctor there's a chance the bone deposits have spread into the inner ear. In which case your hearing loss will eventually be premanent. If I were you, I'd schedule surgery as soon as possible.

Grissom: I'm not going with you.
Catherine: What do you mean?
Grissom: I'm scheduled for surgery at Desert Palm.
Catherine: Surgery? Your hearing?
Grissom: Yep.
Catherine: I'm sorry.
Grissom: I'm not. Has to be done.
Catherine: What can I do?
Grissom: Nothin', I'm fine. Take care of the case.
Catherine: Wha--ah, that's it?
Grissom: That's it. Um.... good luck.
Grissom: Did you ever wonder how the fortune gets inside the cookie?
Nick: I know.
Sara: Of course you do.
Nick: The cookie comes out of a press like a tortilla then some lady puts the fortune inside of the dough. And then folds the dough around a piece of metal and then folds it again.

Warrick: Sixty grand a year for jockeying cars? I'm in the wrong line of work.
Brass: Look on the bright side: you're still alive.