O b e r l i n . B r a v e h e a r t f u n n y . s c r a p s . o f . c l i c h e 1. A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (in my next life, i want to be a pig) 2. A cockroach will live 9 days without its head before it starves to death. (creepy. i'm still not over the pig) 3. Banging your head against the wall uses 150 calories an hour. (do not try this at home, may be at work) 4. The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the lenght of a football field. (30 minutes! lucky pig..can you imagine?) 5. Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (i still want to be a pig..quality over quantity) 6. The strongest muscle of the body is the tongue. (hmm.mm) 7. Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (yes i can! i play volleyball!) 8. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. ( i know some ppl like that) 9. Starfish have no brains. (i know some of them too) 10. Polar bears are lelft handed. 11. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (what about the pig!?) O n l y . i n . A m e r i c a ... ~ Pizza get to your house faster than an ambulence. ~ There are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. ~ Drug stores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get the prescription while the healthy people get the cigarettes at the front. ~ Ppl order double cheese burger, large fries and a diet coke. ~ Banks leave both doors open and chain their pens to the counters. ~ Leave cars worth thousands of dollar in the driveway and leave junks in the garage. ~ Buy hotdogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. ~ We use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Latin 'poly' means 'many' and 'tics' means 'blood-sucking creatures.' ~ We have drive up ATM machines with Braille letterings. E v e r . w o n d e r ? * Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? * Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? * Why to 'stop' windows 98 we have to click 'start'? * Why is the time of the day with the slowest traffic is called 'rush hour'? * Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? * Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? * Why are they called apartments when they are stuck together? * If 'con' is the opposite of 'pro,' is congress the opposite of progress? F u n n i e r # on the bar of a dial soap:"Directions: use like a regular soap" (..and that would be...?) # on some swanson frozen dinners: "serving suggestion: defrost" (just a suggestion) # on Tesko's Tiramisu dessert [printed on the bottom]:"do not turn upside down" (well..a bit late..duh!) # On marks and Spencer Bread pudding: "product will eb hot after heating" (oh really?) # on packaging for a Rowenta iron:"do not iron clothes on body" (but wouldn't this save me more time?) # on Boot's chicken cough medicine: "do not drive a car or operate a machinary after taking this medicine" (no wonder we get so many car accidents from those 5 year-olds) # on Nytol Sleep Aid:"caution: May cause drowsiness" (and i'm taking this because.....??) # most brands of christmas lights:"for indoor and outdoor use only" (as opossed to...what?) # on Sunbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts" (talk about a news flash) # on an American Airlines packet of nuts: "instructions: open packet, eat nuts" (uh... may be fly Delta?) y o u . k n o w . y o u . a r e . a . D E S I . i f ~ there is a sale in one item and you buy 100 of them you make tea in a saucepan you never buy bin bags, but use your saved grocery bags for it you put your clothes in the suitcase instead of wardrobes you have a 'singer' / 'brother' sewing machine at home your mother has a minor disagreement with her sister and doesn't talk to her for 10 years you call an older person you have never met before "uncle" you hide everythng from your parents your mother does everything for you if you are a male you do all the housework and cooking if you are the oldest daughter you cook at least 2 times a day with spicecs your relatives alone can populate a small city you study medicine, economics, computer science or engineering in the university you dont know how to read music you went to a university as far away from home as possible you still come back home after to live with your parents after you had graduated fom the uni. you like the meat well done you eat onions with everything you use chilli sauce instead of tomato ketchup you say you hate indian films but secretly watch /hear them with your parents you teach western swearwords in hindi you avoid public places when with a member of the opposite sex, esp if there is a n acquaintance within a 250 miles radius you secure your baggage with a rope you get very upset when airlines refuse to accept your luggage that is ONLY 80 lbs overweight you go back to your parents country and ppl treat you like a memeber of a royal family [for females] your parents will freak you out if you wore a crop top baring your midriff but wearing a sari is perfectly acceptable you are ALWAYS taking off and putting on your shoes whenever you go out you wondered in your childhood why your English friends brushed their teeth AFTER the breakfast and for you brushing the teeth was the 1st thing in the morning you have annoying nick names like 'Chotu' or 'Chiku' your parents call all your frfiends 'beta' wether they are Indian or not if you aren't married when you turn 25, your parents start wringing their hands and proclaim that it is too late you have never met half of your extended family you have cousins you have never met, whose names you dont know your parents push the conceept of an arranged marriage on you and trry to demonstrate how well it works whenevr they are not fighting the second you pull out of someone's driveway, your parents strat talking about them it is cheaper in India.... |
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