Today on "Abridged Biography..."
November 2, 1998

Alright you all,

        Even though I hate mass e-mails, I will respond to this one so that I can be part of the crowd and people will like me.  I need to be part of the crowd, or society will cast me out as a deviant.  I don't want that to happen ~again~.

The Ultimate Survey For:  Shawn Allen Mole

Nicknames:      Shawn

Hometown:      Chantilly, Va

Croutons or Bacon Bits: Is there a gun to my head?

Favorite Salad Dressing: Oil and vinegar.  (I want to know who wrote these questions . . .)

Do you drink:  I wouldn't divulge this information over the Internet.  I'm underage.

Shampoo or conditioner: If you use conditioner, don't you have to use shampoo?  I mean, conditioner doesn't clean, it merely enhances the shine and luster of hair, while giving it body and bounce.  (Years of brainwashing at the hands of corporate sponsors . . .)

Have you ever gone skinny-dipping: When I was seven, I was riding my bike down the street and a man pulled up in a car next to me.  He leaned out the window and offered me some tic-tacs.  He asked me if I liked to swim, and I said, "Yes."  Then he asked if I would swim in my "special birthday suit" for him and I could have all the tic-tacs in the world.  But I knew better than that, because he couldn't give me all the tic-tacs in the world.  So I --almost-- went skinny-dipping.  (If you find this answer offensive, sorry.  I repressed the truth and had to come up with a disgusting and unnecessary little narrative.  I apologize.)

Do you make fun of people: I'm making fun of your intelligence right now.  (Not really.)

Favorite color: Anything between black and white.  Including black and white.

Have you ever been convicted of a crime: Surprisingly, no.

Best online friends: Meghan.  The whole gang who writes me.  (Sorry I haven't written you all since Thursday, but I was busy with Regan.  I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not.)

One pillow or two: One.  I developed a sexual attachment to it.  Don't laugh, it's true.

Pets: My parents won't let me have a pet.  Something about setting fire to it.

Favorite Type of Music: Anything in a western diatonic scale, perhaps some other pieces.  Whatever.

Hobbies:  I have a hobby?  Um . . . masturbation, but I don't get any time for that anymore.

Dream Car: I have this dream of a car, with wings, and tail-fins, and a bench seat, and dark purple vinyl interior, and a big-fast engine, and bumble-bee headlights, and an aerodynamic design, and a CD player, and a cup holder that flips out of the dash.

Type of Car you drive now: Saab 9000, 91, metallic gray, license plate EZQ-982.  If you see me on the road, don't honk, it scares me.

Words or phrases you overuse: Capitalist member of an oppresive patriarichal soceity.  I say it, I don't spell it.

Toothpaste: Crest.

Favorite Food:   The kind that doesn't make me sick.

Online crush: Gillian Anderson, David Duchovny.  Don't ask.

Current Boyfriend/Girlfriend:  Regan.

Piercing or tattoos: My left ear.  I will do my right ear soon.  I am thinking of doing my scrotum with a pair of needle nose pliers.  What do you think?

Most romantic thing that ever happened to you: Lots of things happen to me.  Most of them are romantic. I am grateful for the life I've led.

How do you characterize yourself: I try not to, I'm egocentric.  Did I just characterize myself?  Damn it, just when you think you managed to avoid those individuality-crushing labels.

Do you get along with your parents: Yes.

Favorite town to chill in: Chantilly.  It has stuff in it.

Favorite Ice Cream: Vanilla. 

Favorite Drink: Cherry Coke.

What's your bedtime: What's due?

Favorite Song at the moment:  "You look so fine."  Garbage, track 12 on VERSION 2.0

Favorite Musical Groups/Artists: Me.  (What was that about egocentric?)

Favorite Movie: Fight the Future.  Mostly because it's neat to say, "FIGHT THE FUTURE!"

Favorite TV Show: The Simpsons, The X-Files, and Conan O'Brien.

Favorite Novel: Dracula, Bram Stoker.  Or Frankenstein, Mary Shelley.  Maybe, A Tale of Two Cities.

Favorite Magazine:  Fender Frontline.  (A horrible quarterly catalog.)

Favorite Website:  http://www.ovationguitars.com

Least Favorite Subject: That stuff that I can't get out from between my toes.  But let's not talk about it.  (Intellectual joke!)

Favorite Alcoholic Drink: Scotch.

Favorite Sport to watch: Football.

Most humiliating moment:  I'm naked right now, does that count?

Loudest person you know:  What time of night should I go by?

Craziest person or silliest you know: Me.  (What was that about egocentric?)

Favorite Holiday:  Halloween.

What do you look for in the opposite sex: Regan, if I know what's good for me.  (So many ways to take that...)

Say one nice thing about the person who sent you this e-mail:

        Meghan is a wonderful, intelligent, funny, person. She is darn hot, too. But I got this from everyone cause I didn't really check my e-mail, so . . .  um . . . you're all nice.  Yeah, that's it.  You're all nice.  (except for the following people:

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