The "Real" World
September 29, 1999

Some of you (not many I imagine) may have noticed that there was no FWD last week, and that this week's is late.  Let me assure you, I was pretty damn sick last week.  I slept a lot, and didn't get much work done.  Besides, last week's column was about Hurricane Floyd, and it was all cheap jokes anyway.  This week's is late because I slept a lot again this last weekend, but for no particular reason.  Now you know.


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My dusty children of the dusky afternoon,
    (members of the not so alive but not quite undead club!)

I'm sure that you all have heard about my current plight.  I am certain, because my cries of vengeance and "FREEDOM!" have surely stretched millions of miles.  They are legendary by now.  You see, I suffer a horrible thing that is as bad as rancid eggnog, and was designed by cruel Nazis or something.  I have an EIGHT (that's 8) o'clock in the morning physics lab.

I stress the importance of EIGHT (8) because I am unfamiliar with seeing that number on the clock.  Before now I was certain that the clock went from 4:00 AM to 9:00 AM, and everything in between was LSD induced muddle.  I honestly still believe that 8 in the morning is a mathematical probability brought to us by Quantum physics.  (Thank you, Einstein. You big guinea pig eating iguana!)

Those of you who are thinking things like "Now you know what's it's like to get a 'real job,'" and "Glad you're becoming a 'productive member of society,'" can soak yourselves in gasoline and wait for my friend Mr. Bic and I to come discuss this with you. (I will be with you shortly.) You remind me of flaming Emu dung (ah, a fire theme!), unaware of your own repulsive stench.  And that you are stupid and on fire.  SO, take THAT!  (You have been outwitted, admit it!  Must I go on .... ?)

As readers of FWD know, when I put things in quotations marks (like this you silly carnivorous butterfly "~~~~~") it means I am going to deconstruct the term for you all.

"Productive member of society."  First, no one is productive before 8 AM.  All you "real job" people go in and drink coffee that the janitor's probably peed in and check your e-mail.  If I were your boss I wouldn't pay you until 10AM. And, I would hook up powerful electrodes to the coffee machine (pee in my coffee will you?) and to your computer.  Second, "productive member of society" is a phrase used to give people job satisfaction.  (Okay, maybe STARBUCKS employees and Janitors have job satisfaction, but that's cause they pee in your coffee!) The guy in charge thought this phrase up, and in capitalism there are only three things you can be.  1 - the guy in charge. 2 -the guy who shines the guy's in charge shoes.  3 - the guy who is the shoe shine.

Talk among yourselves, figure out what level you are.  (Because you read FWD, you must at least be number 2 right?  No, not "poo poo!"  Silly Gerber Baby!)

"REAL JOB."  I f*cking hate this.   Let me help you out here kids.  When your parents point out that getting up early in the morning is like having a "real job" make them take this little quiz.  (If they throw you out of the house I take no responsibility.)


1> What time did you get to your "real job" this morning?  What are you paid?
2> What time did your boss get to his "real job" this morning?  What does HE get paid?
3> What time did the boss's lazy son / daughter / cousin / extramarital affair get to work this _afternoon_?  What do they get paid to not do anything?

This is an important social rule: The later you have to get up, the more important you are.  Example: Your computer systems administrator got up at what time this morning?  10 AM?  NOON?  Figured.  He is more important than say, the company janitor who has to get up so early he comes in YESTERDAY.

Look at parents with small children.  They don't get hardly any sleep at all, and they get up very early in the morning.  Why you ask?  Because they are enslaved to a toddler.  They are driven by biological (as opposed to financial) imperative to GET UP AND WORK for that damn kid.  Parents do luck out eventually, they can start getting up at a normal time as their kid gets older and older.  But, as another example, the 25 year old gear head down the street who does nothing but fix cars, play loud horrible music, drink beer, and try to run over little children (he is doing you parents a FAVOR!  trust me!) lives with his parents.  They are still enslaved to him!  He doesn't get up until three or four in the afternoon!

You see why I am disturbed that I have to get up so early in the morning now?  It moves me down the social ladder.  And, boy, do they let me know it.  Not only do they make me get up early in the morning, they make me do demeaning WORKSHEETS.

Look, people, we really need to get this "follow directions" thing under control.  They still shouldn't be screening out idiots at the university level.  If you can't follow directions then we should kill you early on, before society has put lots of energy into you.  WORK SHEETS are for morons.  I get perfect scores on every lab even though I am so tired that I think magical elves with big hats and hockey sticks are helping me with the lab.  WHY?  I CAN FOLLOW DIRECTIONS!

We need to weed the people that can't follow directions right out of the populace, as young as possible.  In third or fourth grade science we should have kids follow a worksheet to defuse a bomb.  They can't follow directions, TOO BAD!  BOOM!  Blow the stupid kid into confetti-sized bits!  We should also put detectors on the bombs to see if they still pick their noses, and if they don't wash their hands after using the bathroom.

Those of you who think this is harsh obviously don't want a perfect society.  One where I don't have to get up at 8 o'clock in the morning.

This comes back to my theory about the western world : my life would be easier if people weren't stupid.

Do you realize all the time you waste because people are stupid?  For instance, add up all the time you spend in a traffic jam because some moron had a car accident because they were reading or drinking or shaving or putting on makeup or playing with their damn moron child or adjusting the radio or filling out tax forms or playing with clay or changing diapers or eating or smoking or TALKING ON THE CELL PHONE or not paying attention or being a f*cking doofus AND said person _could_ _not_ do two things at once?  I hate these people.  If you do two things at once, make sure you do at least one of them well, preferably DRIVE.  (That is, gasp, what your car is for!)

Now, back on the subject, think of ___ALL___ the time you lose for idiocy.  That's a lot of time, isn't it?  Now, I know that everyone is prone to a mistake or two, at some time or another.  However, it seems to me that we have produced a society where it is okay to be an idiot.

Now, I propose one of many solutions.  The bomb thing.  TRUST ME.  (Or let the neighborhood asshole gear head run over your damn kid who doesn't know not to play in the street.)

It will all work out.  And I won't have to wake up at EIGHT (8) o'clock in the morning for a damn lab that is early in the morning because the f*cking idiots we're trying to weed out waste all our time.


I'm done now.

--- SA

WITH LOVE Dedicated to the Kitten Cat and MK Ultra.  Because they care enough to insist this is a temporary mental condition, not a permanent psychosis.

Editor in Chief (Who is the Girl in Charge, making me #2!  POO!) the most lovely and beautiful and witty Kitten Cat

Technical Advisor : Winky  (I get advice from my Winky.)

Lots of love people!

Your lucky numbers 11-4

YOU CAN STOP READING NOW, OR READ ON ---

Hey you all.  I don't abuse power often but I feel that I have a reason to now.  I advise all of you to listen to the new Nine Inch Nails album at least once.  If you can't buy it, then go into one of those stores that has it set up at a "listening station" and stay until the store people come and ask you to leave.  Then shoot them.  Or, you can save yourself a lot of time by borrowing it from a friend.  Go ahead and shoot them if they won't let you have it.  Just so long as you get to listen to one of the best albums ever, and you shoot someone.  THANKS!  Love, SA

Nine Inch Nails --- The Fragile  (In stores and dorm rooms everywhere!)