Big Ma
I loved my Big Ma,
She didn't speak with that southern draw
The unfortunate news of her death made my skin crawl,
It was way too early for my BIG MA.
Her leaving so soon,
Made me feel like a real goon,
Our last communication will always loom,
I just could not leave it at her tomb.
That e-mail is the last I got from her,
It was a response to a mass one and the writing of it is a blur,
But the reaction to it no longer seems absurd,
She probably knew that might be her last word.
I saw her so little,
But her love for me was never a riddle,
She told me such, not leaving a foggy middle,
She did not seem to be brittle.
She kept her disease from me,
I never knew this is how it was going to be,
Wake up from a night of glee,
That she had gone away from me.
I was in complete and utter shock,
I put the thoughts of her on block,
There was no way I could turn back the clock.
She never got the thank you she deserved,
She was my Big Ma and her death left me unnerved,
My unobservant life washed out when the road suddenly curved.
How could she be gone?
How could I have known?
Should I feel this blown?
Why do I want to just sit here and moan?
Our last words together were the best I had ever known,
I love you is what was said,
But now that she is dead,
All I can think about is the dread,
That in her eyes when she left,
I was deaf,
Blind and dumb like the other one with a cleft,
That lives in the room to the left.
I felt like her eyes would eternally view,
Me as the one that is always crude,
The one that the day she died my hate for grew,
Exponentially and which felt oddly new.
As soon as I heard that she had cancer,
I was looking for the answer,
Of when and how I could get down to see her,
The thought of her not being there wasn't even a blur,
Then when I concluded that it could wait till after the school year,
I was pretty damn sure.
She did not last that long,
I had been 100% wrong.
I spent less than 24 hours in her presence,
The thought of this is very unpleasant,
I was no longer an adolescent,
I did not even get to thank her for her present.
She will never see me graduate,
Now that is not just fate,
That is something I will have to take to my grave,
All because I was short 2 grades.
She left an undeniable mark on my life,
Although she will never know it.
She affected me in ways she would never imagine,
I became a fan of Duke going directly against my allegiance.
She is dead,
I learned of thus lying in my bed,
From the person that makes my vision turn red,
That did not matter cause all I could feel was dread.
I am sorry if this is a retread,
But she is dead,
I am left with all that was not said.
For someone I never saw,
She was my Big Ma,
I've loved her since I could crawl,
I grew to be tall,
But my love of her was still raw,
The thoughts of her gnaw,
At me till I begin to bawl,
My thoughts are left dull,
I miss her so much,
But we never really kept in touch,
Which is all my fault.
I never saw her; I can not help that,
But that I did not call just to chat,
Or to chew the fat,
Is on me,
And is why my heart still bleeds.
Thoughts of the hated,
Never intertwined to the related,
But my absence from them is understatement.
Idiot was left out of the will,
That gave me a little thrill,
But only until,
That I was also left with nil.
I was not expecting anything,
And I would give everything,
To have her here,
But it is clear,
I was clumped under my son Paul,
That feels like a deathly claw,
In my skin,
Because that is always how I will be related with my kin.
Big Ma,
I wish I saw,
More of you than I saw,
But do not take me as the son of Paul,
Think of me as Sean,
The one and only Sean Michael Johnson,
Your grandson,
Who loved you a ton,
Would of come on a run,
If he really knew you were that bad off,
Just to spend the time,
To show you my love,
By your side till your soul floated away like a dove,
I would of come without,
A thought,
Of my school,
I was already late there so it would not hurt,
To have gone back when you recovered,
Or whenever you were sent,
Where you don't have to pay rent.
BIG MA I LOVE YOU!