The following "rants" are not those actually said by Bennett Brauer. They are just some things that you would expect to hear from him on one of his Weekend Update commentaries.

Maybe I don't...

"Wash my hands after using the bathroom" or even "flush".
"Take the peanuts out of their shells before eating them".
"Clean up after myself".
"Groom my hair" or "inspect for head lice".
"Mind if my food is covered in maggots".
"Enjoy the outdoors".
"Leave tips at restaurants" or even "pay for the meal".
"Know what the red and green colors stand for on traffic lights".
"Understand the concept of showering"; I guess I'll have to "use my imagination".
"Have doors on my house" so that wild animals can "come in out and as they please".
"Use pain killers to kill pain".
"Dust my furniture" or even "wipe off the crumbs that accumulate on it".
"Use bread to make my sandwiches".
"Take out the trash...ever".
"Boil my macaroni before eating it"
"Sleep in a bed".

The people can get back to watching commentators who don't...

"Drive on sidewalks".
"Put ice cubes in the microwave for the sheer fun of watching them melt".
"Eat food that was found on the street and warmed to a satisfactory temperature by the sun".
"Chew their shoelaces".
"Scatter rat poison on their lawn to keep pesky children away".
"Leave squashed carcasses of swatted insects on their walls".
"Bathe themselves in puddles".
"Play ping pong with moth balls".
"Steal candy from babies".
"Have a gargantuan mountain of garbage in their house".
"Collect lint in large glass flasks in hopes that someday there will be enough to stuff a pillow with".
"Eat mayonnaise straight from the jar".
"Launch spit balls at their ceiling" for the "hell of it".
"Vomit at the sight of roses".
"Use honey to gel their hair".

I'm not...

"A jolly camper".
"Sanitary".
"On the ball" or "the right track".
"A home wrecker".
"Suave".
"Enthusiastic".
"At the top of the food chain".

Miscellaneous

When I'm in publics places, people "point and stare" at me.
I can't remember the last time I "conversed with another human being".
People have said that I "wallow in my own filth".
I guess I'm not a "teen idol".
My mother tells me that in the "wee hours of the morning", I "sleepwalk into the kitchen" and "ransack the refrigerator".
When I do my laundry, I don't "use detergent" or even "water".

If you have any creative rants that sound like something that Bennett Brauer would say, please send them to [email protected] and I will use them on this page.

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