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Vs. the Economy of Jamaica |
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Bryophytes Aren't Stars by Eric Moody If you had to pick your favorite fruit, without lying to yourself, you would choose starfruit. Not only is it shaped like a star, but it can also be used to flavor soda. When was the last time you picked up a bottle of Diet Hornwort Fanta? I thought so. If starfruit was in fact a product of a bryophyte, then my opinion of this phylogenetic group would be quite different. Not only was starfruit the CDC's fruit of the month in February, but no bryophyte has ever been featured as fruit or vegetable of the month. Bryophytes have been beaten by tubers, kiwano melons, tomatillos, pluots, cactus, figs, rhizomes, plantains, ugli fruits, gooseberries, quinces, and kumquats. The complete failure of bryophytes to be edible is not a minor shortcoming. Moss is so hard to digest in fact, that the only animals that prominently feed on it are reindeer. My personal theory is that Rudolph's nose had a famous red glow because Rudolph didn't play in any reindeer games (aka eating moss). Therefore, moss almost destroyed Christmas. No one can ever forgive a plant for not tasting good, nor can they forgive it for conspiring against Santa Claus. Luckily, the elves knew better and kept Rudolph away from moss (again, this is my theory. Elves are sweet). The elves can only protect us for so long though, and so if we want to continue celebrating Christmas, moss must go. |
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