Buffy watched Giles’ disappearing back, feeling faintly hollow inside. Seeing him hadn’t helped anywhere near as much as she’d thought it would have. Giles had always been someone who had helped make things better for her, but now she supposed that not even he could manage that. It was stupid really to think that just travelling to another country could do something to help fill the emptiness inside of her. Getting away from Sunnydale had helped at first, but now the guilt of relinquished responsibility was beginning to weigh heavily on her shoulders. What about Dawn, who’d she’d left in the joint care of Willow and Tara? What about Willow and Tara themselves, how would they deal with such enforced proximity after their recent painful break-up? What about Xander who must have been devastated after Buffy managed to ruin his wedding? What about the Hellmouth and the innocent people of Sunnydale, who was guarding them?
Suddenly, her head started to hurt and tears pricked at her eyes. The whole point of this vacation was to get away from all the duty that was gradually crippling her. She was supposed to be having a rest from the continual stress and worry she was exposed to in Sunnydale. This was meant to be a time to heal to bring the shattered pieces of her soul back together, the only problem being she had no idea how she was going to manage it.
Sighing deeply she pushed open the door to the room Giles had pointed to and nearly had a heart attack. Standing in the middle of the floor looking equally confused was the last person she had expected to see – Angel.
“I, uh, I heard your voice in the hall,” he stammered whilst Buffy was still standing in shocked silence. “I didn’t know whether…” he trailed off hesitating between moving towards her and retreating back to his seat. He finally stayed where he was, his hands fidgeting nervously. “It’s-it’s good to see you.”
“Angel…” Buffy finally whispered, cursing herself for saying his name. Why couldn’t she have just stuck with ‘hi’ or something? Why did she always have to take that word and pour everything she was feeling into it? For the past three years she had avoided thinking his name let alone saying it out loud, it just brought on far too much pain and regret. But now he was standing right in front of her in Giles’ front room…in England. What the Hell was he doing in England?
“What – ” she began, but he quickly interrupted her, anticipating her question.
“I came looking for Wesley. He flew over here…on a case, a few days ago,” Angel carefully omitted any further details. Seeing Buffy again so suddenly and without warning was enough to put his emotions in a tailspin without the added ordeal of telling her about Connor – especially considering what had happened last time they talked. “We haven’t heard from him since,” he pulled his thoughts back to the safer topic of his cover story. “We were worried something may have happened to him.”
“Oh right,” Buffy staggered backwards, sinking into an overstuffed sofa then hugging one of the throw cushions close to her body. She was simply too exhausted and numb to do anything but accept his story at face value and be maybe a little disappointed that he wasn’t here especially because of her, improbable though it was. “I just came for a couple of days vacation.” She forced out her excuse in a flat tone of voice. “Things have been pretty quiet in Sunnydale, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to come pay a visit to Giles.”
“Good,” Angel moved to sit down in an armchair facing Buffy. “I mean that’s good that things are quiet…and that you’re taking a vacation. I mean you haven’t done that in – ”
“Years,” Buffy supplied, unconsciously finishing his sentence. Some old habits were hard to break. “Unless you count being dead. That was pretty much time off with nothing to do.”
Angel flinched at the casual reference to her death, the pain of which still ran deep for him. He should have been there for her, protecting her. She shouldn’t have had to go through it alone. He had given up his humanity so that she could live, and then she had to suffer and die, anyway. What kind of justice was that? Or was it just fate, the cruelty of which he had come to expect?
“How’s Dawn?” he decided to change the subject to safer grounds. “How’s everyone else?”
He saw her hesitate and wondered if he’d hit another raw nerve. “Dawn’s fine,” Buffy eventually answered. “The rest of the gang are okay too. Xander was due to get married but…it didn’t work out. And Willow and Tara split up. But apart from the typical Hellmouth curse on love…” her voice cracked and she struggled to force the words out past the lump in her throat. “Everyone’s fine.”
Angel leant closer towards her, suddenly concerned. This wasn’t the Buffy he knew – had known. She seemed out of synch somehow, depressed, hurting in someway he didn’t understand and couldn’t reach. Obviously, they hadn’t been on the best of terms for the past couple of years, but even allowing for the inevitable awkwardness between them there was something wrong with her. He’d seen Buffy upset before, witnessed her angry and despairing, but had never seen her so utterly…defeated. It was like the light had gone out of her eyes, and he found himself missing it more than he probably should.
“W-what,” he attempted to enquire nervously, afraid to pry into areas he realised – painfully – were no longer any of his business. “What about you?” he reached out to touch her, his hand hovering uncertainly over her arm. “Are you okay?”
She looked up, a terrible sadness and fatigue echoing in her eyes as they met with his. She shifted her arm, twisting her hand upwards until it was almost in contact with his then opened her mouth, just about to answer, when Giles walked in.
“Buffy, Angel!” he exclaimed in an unnaturally loud voice. “Terribly sorry,” he turned slightly towards Angel. “I must have momentarily forgotten you were here. Probably getting old or something – my memory’s going,” he forced out an awkward laugh at his own joke before peering more seriously at them. “I-is everything all right?”
“Everything’s fine,” Buffy pulled abruptly away from Angel, evasively answering his question as well as Giles’.
Angel nodded, unconvinced, but knowing he wasn’t going to get any other answer from Buffy right now…or possibly even ever. They had just drifted too far apart. Even further in the past six months than in the previous two years. He thought of Connor and how different his life was now, deeper concerns than Buffy’s welfare suddenly resurfacing. He cared about her. He would always care about her, but she wasn’t a part of his world now, and he wasn’t a part of hers. As much as it hurt him to admit it, maybe their time had finally passed.
Of course, when he looked at her it didn’t feel that way. She was still as beautiful as she ever had been, though somehow more delicate looking, more in need of protection. But it was too late for them now, the chances they’d had were lost forever, Buffy herself had made that clear to him.
He sighed deeply at the remembered pain, sucking in an unnecessary breath as he did so, then becoming suddenly puzzled by what he could smell.
“Is something burning?” he addressed Giles.
“Oh my God,” the Watcher exclaimed, panicking. “I left the toast under the grill!”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Giles dumped the blackened rounds into the bin, then rubbed his eyes tiredly. The tea would have to go down the sink as well, cold and over-stewed as it was now. Maybe he should just give up and order something in, there was a takeaway place in the village nearby that he thought delivered. It would probably be a lot easier than trying to cook something now; he was far too distracted to concentrate, and he couldn’t handle any more disasters this evening. He was just refilling the kettle with water, when he heard someone enter the kitchen behind him.
“My apologies about the toast,” he began without turning. “Perhaps you’d like to order some fish and chips, or pizza instead. And maybe some cake while you wait? My sister baked me a fruitcake, and I’m afraid I’m only halfway through it so far – ”
“It’s me Giles,” Angel interrupted before the other man could move to fetch the cake tin off the top shelf of the cupboard. Giles plugged in the kettle and turned.
“Ah yes, sorry. I was expecting Buffy in search of food.”
Angel simply nodded, refraining from commenting how much she looked like she could use a decent meal for a change. Worrying about Buffy wasn’t why he was here. “I should be going now,” he said instead. “Thank you for your help.”
“Of course,” Giles replied politely. “I’m just sorry I couldn’t be of more use. Maybe if I had some more time, I could go through my records, find the names and addresses of some other contacts from the Council you should speak to.”
Angel shrugged. “I’m afraid time isn’t something I have a lot of right now.”
“What will you do now? Where are you going to go next?”
The vampire looked suddenly unsure of himself. “I don’t know. I thought I’d try and track down Wesley’s relatives, see if they’ve heard from him. Then head back to London, try to track down Holtz, keep an ear close to the ground.”
Giles thought for a second, almost sure Angel wasn’t going to have any luck finding his son that way. He needed help, some kind of connection to whoever, or whatever, had taken Wesley and Connor. Giles was still concerned about the whole situation, anxious for the welfare of Wesley as well as that of the innocent child Angel claimed was his son. He would have liked to provide some proper assistance in the matter, but he had Buffy to take care of now, whose emotional problems he had no idea how he was going to set about solving. She needed a permanent support system in her life, someone who could be there in the way Giles couldn’t any longer. Forget the fact he lived in England now, he would readily move back to California if he thought it was what was best for Buffy, but he knew it wasn’t. He was too much of a father figure to her, if he moved back into her life now she could cling to him instead of standing tall on her own. What she needed was an equal who would help her help herself. Someone who could match her strength of character without feeling intimidated by it. Someone who understood what she was going through…
Giles’ mouth fell open as the beginnings of a plan suddenly struck him. A few years ago he wouldn’t have even considered it, but now it seemed like the only way to get his bright, vivacious, powerful young Slayer back from the aching, empty shell she had become. A stirring of guilt started to well up inside of him, maybe all this business with Spike had been preventable. If only they’d all listened to what Buffy had wanted originally, instead of dictating what was best for her. Clearly she had known then what she had needed, even if now that clarity was lost to her. But Giles was going to get it back. He was going to help put things right.
“Angel,” he called out to the departing vampire. “I think you should stay a little while longer.”