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The scene starts off with two fattish middle aged British businessmen, a third arrives and departs later)
Sir:
“The sausage Rupert! The sausage is the thing!”
Rupert:
“Sausages sir?”
Sir:
“Salty, slippery, succulent, tender-after-a-bender sausages my boy! The Twelfth Carnal
Sin! The Forbidden Fruit from the Tree of Porcine Produce! The result AND cause
of Man’s fall from Grace! Sausages Rupert! (leans closer, almost whispering)
Sausages!”
Rupert (looking confused) :
“Sausages sir…?”
Sir (putting a comforting hand on Rupert’s shoulder) :
“Poor boy, do not be troubled or confused. Calm yourself, let your mind dwell on the
ineffable mystery of the sausage, its gentle curves, its sphincter like knots. Sample
its mysteries, partake of its goodness! To bite into a sausage is to suckle at the
nipple of Mount Olympus!”
Rupert (Falling to his knees in shame) :
“Educate me! Enlighten me sir! I am but an ignorant consumer of meat!”
Sir:
“Hush dear Rupert, can you not feel the gentle sausages within thee already at work? Can
you not already see the Truth? Man was created to create the sausage, and in turn
the sausage strengthens the man. The sausage is not just a metaphor to explain the
Human condition, it IS the Human Condition. And in turn it is the Human
Condition that is the metaphor to explain the sausage!”
Rupert:
“Wisdom! I feel it wriggling within me!”
Sir:
“The sausage encapsulates ALL mysteries and answers, its very existence is a
contradiction in terms. The meat is broken into pieces before being moulded back
into a whole again. The whole pig becomes parts, that in turn become the whole
sausage. The sausage IS the pig, but at different stages of its lifecycle! Can you not
see that the pig is the caterpillar, and that the sausage is the butterfly?
Rupert:
“But the chrysalis, what is the chrysalis?”
Sir:
“WE are gentle Rupert, WE are the chrysalis ushering in the caterpillar pigs to butterfly
sausage glory! An honour! A duty! A privilege!”
Rupert (clutching wildly at thin air) :
“The magical sausages! They dance and wiggle before my very eyes!”
(He pauses for a moment as a shadowy remembrance crosses his mind)
“Baxter!”
Sir (Eyes narrowing at the mention of Baxter’s name) :
“Baxter! What of him my child? What has that culinary saboteur been purveying in the
guise of truth? He is a respecter of no sausage.”
Rupert (falling to the floor, writhing and wailing) :
“It is blasphemy!!! How will the Great Sausage ever forgive me?! Baxter told me that
sausages are made out of the anuses of pigs!”
Sir:
“I seldom see the difference between the anus of a pig and the mouth of a man.”
Rupert (in an awed voice) :
“That was inordinately wise sir. Did you mean it in reference to the detritus expelled by
foul-mouthed expletives, or in a sexual reference to your personal tastes?”
Sir:
“My wisdom is like the humble cocktail sausage, suitable for all occasions. Ah! I see the
processed porcine pooh-pooher approaches!”
(Baxter enters)
Baxter:
“Greetings fellow consumers of meat. Has the Great Sausage been guiding your stomachs
and cleansing thy colons?”
Sir (in an angry sneering voice) :
“What knowest thou of the Great Sausage? You ridicule the Machine of which you are a
very small part young Baxter. It was here before you and will be here after you.
You are merely a component that serves its purpose before being replaced! The
eternal circle of sausages will spin on regardless of whether you are a part of it or
not. Where have you been? I see distraction in your cool grey eyes.”
Baxter:
“Division Six.”
Rupert (starts wailing and writhing on the floor, before sobbing quietly)
Sir:
“DIVISION SIX!!! Disgusting Baxter!!! Fraternising with females AGAIN? Females
Baxter? Why? What fascination do they hold?
(grabbing Baxter by the shoulders)
“Answer me boy! What control do they have? What hold do they have on your feverish
soul my poor boy? You know the price Baxter, you’ve shopped there before!”
Baxter (shaking himself free) :
“I see no harm! I perform my duty! I am a humble part of the great chrysalis, am I not? I
perform my duty! The sausages still roll forth! They flow through my veins as
much as they flow through yours!”
Sir:
“Homosexuality Baxter! A Man draws on his company. By indulging in the company of
females you open yourself to their influence, already I see changes in you! Is that
mascara!?! (Throwing his handkerchief at Baxter) Wipe it off quick! Before you
contaminate poor Rupert!”
Rupert (from his wretched position on the floor) :
“Mascara? I am frightened yet curious. I find it hard to focus on the Great Sausage when
these glossy depictions of a perfect, sexually ambigious ideal flash through my
mind!”
Sir:
“See? Now look what you have done! You’ve set back his development at least three
sessions! By associating yourself with females you open yourself to the dangers of
homosexuality! Strength in numbers Baxter! A Man must learn to rely on the others
of his own gender to meet all his needs! Be it company, fellowship or sex! Men
working with men to satisfy their intimate needs is the ONLY way we will
eliminate homosexuality!”
(A factory horn sounds)
Baxter:
I am late for my shift! The Machine needs all its components, even abberrent replaceable
ones such as me!
(He runs off stage)
Sir:
“On your feet Rupert, we must not be seen to grovel. Have you ever seen a sausage just
lying there on its back waiting to be eaten? I though not! Always on their little feet!
Marching toward their destiny! With us in tow, repairing, transforming and
transporting them as they need us.”
Rupert:
“Baxter troubles me sir! I feel uneasy around him, I feel a strange almost intimate
fascination with him, his cool grey eyes, his rich full lips…”
Sir:
“Rupert! Watch thy tongue! What would the Great Sausage say? Baxter is an
Undesirable.”
Rupert (Shocked at the term undesirable) :
“Surely you cannot be serious? Can he be reformed? Can he be re-educated?”
Sir:
“I’m afraid not my boy. Do not fret. This is all part of the great system, we will see him
again. The lifecycle requires us all to throw our lot in at one point or another.”
Rupert:
“Punishment? Can he not be just punished?”
Sir:
“Punishment my boy serves only one purpose: not to re-educate the victim, or to retrain
him, its only purpose is to reinforce the feeling of empowerment within the
punisher. Come! We must start the reclamation! Go my boy! Run with the mighty
speed of a sausage! Start the machines! Turn the cranks, crank the turns! Adjust the
dials, then dial the adjustments! It is time for Baxter’s reclamation! WE are his
chrysalis now, we must guide him from caterpillar to butterfly! It looks like we will
all be eating fresh sausages tonight!”
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