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- Darren and Baz are waiting for the bus. It is cold and the bus is late. They have their
schoolbags on the ground beside them.
-Darren, wanna hear a joke?
-Go on.
-What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
-Dunno.
-Rape.
Darren and Baz have been friends for a good while. They first met when working in
Superquinn over a summer some years back. They worked behind the
delicatessen counter a lot. Baz liked to spit in the coleslaw.
-Hey Darren, did you hear Giggsie went with Linda?
-So?
-He said he got a wank off her.
-So?
-Did you ever get a wank off her?
-Yeah.
-Good was it?
-Wank’s a wank. Could have done it myself.
Darren and Baz live near each other. They go over to each others houses and play
Playstation or watch TV. Once, in Baz’s house, they stole some of his brother’s grass, but
didn’t know how to roll it so they made sandwiches and sprinkled the grass
over the mayonnaise and ate them but they didn’t get stoned. Sometimes they
go out with their other mates and get pissed in the field at the edge of the
estate. Darren got an X-Box recently so they spend most of their time in his
house.
-Hey Darren, two clowns…no, fuck, wait. Two cannibals eating a clown, right?
-Go on.
-Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other. This tastes funny.
Darren and Baz go to the same school. It is an all boys school. Darren is in sixth class and
Baz is in fifth class. They both fancy Mrs. Carnaby. The entire school fancies
Mrs. Carnaby. She wears tight tops with plunging necklines. In class, she
says, pay attention, all eyes on me please. And everyone obeys. Once Baz got a
hard-on in class just when Mrs. Carnaby asked him to come up to the board to
write the answer to a quadratic equation. He told her he didn’t know the answer
because he hadn’t done the homework. She gave him detention.
-Darren, what’s red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
-Dunno.
-A baby in a microwave.
-Scumbag.
-Darren.
-What.
-What’s the difference between a dead baby and a water melon?
-What.
-One's fun to hit with a sledge hammer, the other one's a water melon.
-Fuck sake.
-Darren.
-What.
-Do you think Linda would go with me?
Darren and Baz are going to be famous. They are going to start a band. Darren can play
some Beatles songs on the guitar and Baz can’t play anything but he says he can
sing. Darren has a feeling he’s going to be famous some day. He knows he is
meant for something great. His dad is a taxi driver and his mum is a nurse. His
brother has just got a job working for a company that makes sun lotion. Baz
doesn’t know if he’ll be famous or not. He doesn’t think about the future.
-Darren, how do you get a hundred Jews in a mini?
-I’ve heard this one.
-Two in the front, two in the back, and the rest in an ashtray.
-Yeah, that’s a good one.
-Did you hear Alan O’Keefe got caught smoking in the jacks.
-Alan O’Keefe is gay.
-Yeah.
-I mean, if anyone in your year is gay, it’s Alan O’Keefe.
-Yeah.
-I saw him looking at me when I was taking a piss the other day. Just gawking he was.
-In the jacks, like?
-No, in the fucking canteen. Yeah, the jacks, you retard.
-Doyler does that too. If you ever go for a piss and Doyler’s there, he’ll be looking at
you.
-Doyler’s fucking gay too.
-They’re all fucking gay.
Darren and Baz support Liverpool. Darren used to support Everton and Baz used to
support Man United but not any more. When he was in primary school Baz used to
collect the Premiership stickers. He has three completed sticker books at home.
-Mr. Dunne went on one of his rants today about binge drinking.
-That’s coz he’s a fucking alcoholic.
-Giggsie said that his son’s an alcoholic.
-Giggsie’s a tosser.
-Well, he can’t teach for shit either way.
-That’s coz he’s an alco.
-D’you know his first name’s Sebastian?
-Everyone know’s that.
-So he’s probably gay too.
-Probably.
-A gay alcoholic…
-You’re a gay alcoholic
-You’re da’s a gay alcoholic.
Darren and Baz are going drinking tonight. They’re going into town. Baz is going to use
his brother’s ID to get in. They are going with Giggsie and Doyler and Ian and
McDonagh and Jimmy. Linda and Becky and Rachel will probably be there too.
Darren will probably try and score Rachel. Baz will probably try to score them all.
Darren and Baz are probably going to get some cans before they head in.
-Did you hear Ian’s got a bird?
-Ian’s got a bird? Ian’s a fucking lady-boy.
-Yeah, he’s bringing her tonight.
-Who is she? Do we know her?
-Don’t think so.
-Fucking hell.
-Listen, are we stalling it at your gaff tonight before we head in?
-No. Can’t. My ma and da are home tonight. We’ll just go to the field.
-It could be raining though.
-Hasn’t stopped us before.
-You heading up to get some Dutch beforehand?
-Yeah.
-Sound.
-Sound as a pound.
-What’s black and purple and black and purple and white?
-Dunno.
-A black man jacking off.
-You scummy bastard.
Darren and Baz have the same star sign. They are both Leo’s. In one of the daily
newspapers it says for Leo: ‘This a hectic time for you. Don’t make any hasty
decisions. You are your own boss and must follow your instincts. You will have
some luck where money is concerned. Some romantic interest is coming your
way.’ Darren and Baz do not talk about things like star signs. They do not believe
in anything supernatural either, though Baz saw a UFO when he was twelve.
Darren believes there is kind-of-a-God. Not the finger-pointing, beardy guy, he
says, but a presence in the universe. He talks in-depth about this when he is drunk.
-Darren, do you think Becky’s hot?
-Buck Tooth Becky?
-She hasn’t got bucked teeth.
-Yeah she has. She looks like her ma was fucked by Bugs Bunny.
-No way, man.
-So score her tonight.
-I fucking will.
-Don’t forget to bring your step-ladder.
-Darren, I’ll bate your fucking head in.
-How? You can’t reach that high.
-I’ll punch you in the nuts.
-Do and die.
Darren and Baz are waiting for the bus. They have been waiting for a long time. It is
getting colder and darker out. Baz is dying for a piss. He is holding his crotch and
jumping up and down every now and again. Darren looks like he’s about to clock
him one.
-Go behind them bushes.
-What bushes?
-The bushes across the road. No one’ll see you.
-What if the bleedin bus comes?
-I call you. I’ll get the driver to wait.
-No.
-Baz, even if the bus came right now, it’s gonna take half an hour and then there’s still
twenty minutes to walk when we get off the bus.
-Yeah, I know.
-Baz.
-Okay. Fine. Keep an eye out for the bus.
-Well what the fuck else will I do standing at a bus stop?
-Shut up. Just call me if it comes, okay?
-Just fucking go will you?
-I’m waiting for the fucking cars to go by.
-Fucking tosspot.
-Fuck you.
Baz runs across the street and disappears into the bushes like something returning to the
wild. Darren sits and messes with his phone. He thinks about texting O’Driscoll
about tonight. He doesn’t really like O’Driscoll but he’s always good laugh when
he’s pissed. The bus appears in the distance, it’s brightly lit interior rising out of the
road. Darren stands up and calls Baz’s mobile. The bus gets nearer. He shouts
Baz’s name loudly across the traffic. The bus comes within stopping distance and
Darren puts out his hand. Darren is still listening to the dial tone when the bus pulls
up to the stop. Darren gets on and asks the driver to wait for his friend and the bus
driver says, I can’t really wait you know. Darren tries to stall him saying, he’ll be
here in a sec. But the driver isn’t interested and tells Darren to either pay the fare or
get off the bus. I’m not a bloody charity, mate, he says.
Darren gets off the bus and it drives away. He ends his call to Baz. He stands looking
across the road at the bushes. He curses inside his head and tries to kick a
nearby coke can but misses so he stamps on it instead. He considers going across
the street but then Baz emerges. He runs back across to the bus shelter.
-There’s a manky dead cat over there. Minging it was.
-Great.
-No, not really. You could see it’s intestines and all. Fucking sick.
-Baz, is there something wrong with your phone?
-No, I lost it yesterday, remember? Why?
-Nothing.
-What? Aw, don’t tell me the fucking bus came.
-Nah, it didn’t.
-Sure?
-Yeah I’m fucking sure, you muppet.
-Okay. Jesus, you scared the shit out of me there for a minute. I mean we don’t want to be
stuck out here for much longer. Looks like it’ll start pissing any minute now.
Darren and Baz are waiting for the bus. It is lashing rain. They will continue to wait for
the bus until the bus arrives. At first they are glad they are at a bus shelter and not a
normal bus stop. But they quickly realise it is not much use since the wind is
blowing the rain into the shelter. The street lights come on one by one.
-Gotta joke.
-Go on.
-What do you call an Ethiopian with a swollen foot?
-Dunno
-Golf club.
-Huh
-Another one, right?
-Go on.
-A guy and this girl are scoring each other in a cinema.
-Right.
-When they come up for air, the guy says to the girl, ‘I really like kissing you but do you
mind not passing me your chewing gum?’ and the girl says, ‘It’s not chewing gum,
I have bronchitis.’
-You sick fuck.
-It’s a good one though, isn’t it?
-Yeah.
-Fucking classic.
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