Kathy Ni X.... - by John Austin

Kathy Ni X....

by John Austin

Persons in the Play

B
HIGGO
JONJON
1st TAXI DRIVER
2nd TAXI DRIVER
(all male)

OLD WOMAN
SEXY PHONE VOICE
SEVERAL PASSERS BY
(all female)

Period The Present. Dublin, Ireland

ACT ONE Scene 1: Outside Whelan's of Wexford Street
Scene 2: 1st Taxi
Scene 3: Up the road from Whelan's
Scene 4: 2nd Taxi
Scene 5: Car Park of Ballycullen Apartments

ACT TWO B's apartment/flat
ACT THREE Car Park of Rathfarnham Castle

Act One

Three men come steaming out of Whelan's of Wexford Street after a gig, wearing T-shirts, B's is sleeveless. They are sweating profusely and very drunk. The lads are in good humour, smiling broadly. Their clothes could be described as raggedy. They are from the suburbs of South Dublin. There is a sign above the entrance to Whelan's, one reads; "Tonight: Rhythm Blue Soul".

Sc1
JONJON [slurring his words]. What a bleeding gig! Bleeding Interpol bleeding rock! [JONJON continues saying "bleeding, bleeding, bleeding" almost to himself while B and HIGGO make the call.]
HIGGO [laughing]. Chipper!
B [getting in on the fun]. chipper! Chipper!
B and Higgo [in lyrical unison]. Chipper! Chipper! Chipper!
JONJON [not minding too much]. Shazbot! What do yis want?
B. Just chips.
HIGGO. Battered sausage and chips.
JONJON [shrugging]. Back in a few.
[B and HIGGO spark up smokes. They look at each other and wink. Several female PASSERS BY, all dressed up to go dancing, pass by . . . some give the men looks of disgust, others think to themselves "I definitely would". Neither B nor HIGGO notice any kind of look. JONJON returns with three greasy bags and hands one to each of his friends].
JONJON [he's argumentative]. Grumpy feckin' chipper man.
B [munching away]. Get a jo maxi bud.
JONJON. And it cost a bleeding fortune.
[HIGGO sighs and raises his hand].
[JONJON shrugs, laughs and starts "bleeding, bleeding, bleeding" again]

Sc2
[JONJON is sitting in the front passenger seat while B and HIGGO are seated in the back. The lads start to eat their chipper]
HIGGO. AHhhhhhh .. . . . .
JONJON [opening his bag]. Cnoic liamha good man.
TAXI DRIVER. You're not eating that in my car
B. Yi wha'?
TD. You're all locked, you'll make a mess of my car.
HIGGO [grumling to B] We'll make a mess?
B [sarcasticly to HIGGO]. We get the point, it's your car.
JONJON. Fair enuf mate, knocklyon so.
[B and HIGGO sit with their chipper in their laps and arms around the bags in an effort to keep the chipper warm but instead they start sweating again].
TD [smiling or laughing cruelly while turning the taxi around] You're food'll be freezing by the time we get there!
JONJON. Ah they won't. They're all wrapped up together, in a bag, they'll be roasting.
TD [Laughing louderly, yet crueller]. Yeah they will, frrrRReezing cold!
JONJON [getting annoyed]. No. They won't.
TD. [ bellows of mean laughter] Yeah. THEY WILL!!!!
JONJON. Let me out of the car.
TD [incredulous]. What?!?
JONJON. I'm getting out.
[JONJON gets out of the taxi and stands beside it].
B. Ah get back in the taxi, we'll be home in no time.
TD [still bleeding laughing]. AND you're chips'll be freezing!!
JONJON. No. I'll get another one . . .
[The taxi speeds off up Camden Street].

Sc3
[JONJON stumbles around the street for a time. He takes some of his things out of his pockets and lays them down on a wall. He begins to rearrange himself, "fix" his pants. When he is set, he hails another taxi].

Sc4
JONJON [delighted] Howya mister?!?! Ballycullen please.
SECOND TAXI DRIVER. Up by Firhouse?
JONJON. That's it, is it cool if I eat my chips?
SECOND TAXI DRIVER [looking apprehensive]. Work away . . . yea.
JONJON. Ah you're sound Taxi man, most of 'em are whankers, man, I'm fucking sick of this place. Your man didn't think me capable of eating chips while sitting down.
SECOND TAXI DRIVER. Eh . . . yea. Dickhead.
JONJON [happily eating his chips] man, if I had the money, I'd leg it, if I could. Go this
side of America or Spain or something, animal, cheaper, all that. Do you know what I
mean?
TAXI DRIVER [sincerely]. Ah, I do a bit.
JONJON. The flags gone lime green and tangerine, man, do you know what I mean?
SECOND TAXI DRIVER. Not really.
JONJON [shrugging] Ah bhuel.
SECOND TAXI DRIVER [sideways over his shoulder]. Green & Gold.
JONJON. ODDANGE!
SECOND TAXI DRIVER. Yea whatever.
JONJON. Yea [tucking into his chipper and remaining silent for the rest of the journey apart from a few grunts].

Sc5
[Second taxi arrives at Ballycullen Apartments, they tower high. JONJON is stepping out of the taxi].
SECOND TAXI DRIVER. Ah that's far too much!
JONJON [scrunching up an empty chipper bag].. Neigh bother, thanks for the chips!
[The taxi turns and leaves the scene . . . JONJON searches his pockets calmly at first, but then he becomes frantic].
JONJON [he's had enough] outta here damn it. AH bollix, bollix, bollix, me bleeding phone!
[JONJON runs towards the door, and presses the buzzer repeatedly, it makes a noisy electric bell sound].
B. Whoa, whoa, whoa, come through come through I have yi.
JONJON [opening door] yea.

Act Two

B's apartment. HIGGO and B have their chipper on plates. They do not look too pleased with the meal. Music is playing and the TV is switched on but muted.

JONJON [all panicked, still well tipsy]. Can I use your phone? I lost my mobile!
B [messing with the accent]. ShoeR, ShoeHer don't yi need yer foean to spake ta peoples!
HIGGO. And hear the craic what's going on!
JONJON [picks up the house phone and dials his mobile number nervously] it's just ringing, ahh come on taxi man yi let me eat the chips! Ah mobile,
HIGGO [ after swallowing a manky, cold chip he points his index finger in the air]
Costly! AH!
[JONJON looks at B and nods his head at HIGGO as if to say "I paid". A woman's voice answers JONJON's mobile. She has a "dead sexy voice". JONJON's posture changes immediately. He now seems relaxed. The woman's voice is louder than anything in the room, or the "theatre", and also JONJON's voice. B and HIGGO eat their chipper, drinking Dutch Gold while grimacing throughout the phone conversation].
JONJON. EH hello there, eh how's it going?
LADY. GrrrRRand. And yourself?
JONJON [smiling at the lads, who look at each other a bit amazed]. Fine, I was just wondering if there was any chance I could get my phone back off you some time?
LADY [seductively]. Yes, no problem, I just found it laying on a wall and I heard it ringing, I was going to leave it . . . but then I felt I just had to pick it up!
JONJON [smiling at the lads with a wink! And attempting to be coy down the phone] Ah you're too good, I'm from Cnoi . . ., knocklyon, umm, where or when could I meet you?
LADY. Well that's convenient, I live in Rathfarnham, we could meet up tomorrow at the car park by Rathfarham Castle. Would that suit you?
JONJON. Yea big time, what time say?
LADY. Hmmm, about half one. I'll see you there, bye!
JONJON [Cheerfully]. That's fine, talk to you then!
B [on seeing the phone call end]. Well?
JONJON. Some lady has it, she sounds about twenty five, [JONJON snaps his fingers], with a snow white smile.
HIGGO. Not the taxi man?
JONJON [beaming]. NOPE!
HIGGO. Who's yer one?
JONJON. Duno, didn't get her name, but she's local. I'm an eejit for doing that, but I'm gonna meet her tomorrow down Rathfarnham.
B. Sounds good tho'?
JONJON. Oh yea.
[B and HIGGO nod their heads approvingly]
JONJON [slapping his hands together] well boys, lets give them cans a good home.
HIGGO [laughing]. Yea, wash down that chipper, ugh!
B [menacingly]. That was a good move by you JONJON.
JONJON [moving toward the fridge]. Telling yi!

Act Three

Carpark of Rathfarnham Castle. The Castle towers in the background of the scene. Several "old women", 65+, pass by constantly. JONJON is standing around scanning the area for a "young" woman. He appears fresh compared to last night and there is a spring in his step. The eldest, most wretched and haggard old woman yet approaches JONJON. She seems to think she is still some comely maiden, by her make-up and dress.
But that was a while ago . . .

OLD WOMAN [seductively?! But in a coarse, harsh voice now] Were, you looking for your phone luvvy?
JONJON [surveying the OLD WOMAN up and down, recomposes himself. This is not what he was expecting].
JONJON [politely] Yea, was I talking to you last night, sorry if I was talking nonsense I was a bit drunk . . .
OLD WOMAN [seductively!]. Not at all you were fine! . . . Young man
JONJON [making it clear he has to leave now]. Yea, well thanks a million, I thought I'd never get it back. You've pretty much restored my faith in humanity.
OLD WOMAN [nodding knowingly and handing JONJON his phone] Well you'll
remember that! and want to come for a drink . . . ? Down the Yellow House.
JONJON. Thanks very much for the phone, no thanks you for the drink, I mean thanks but no.
OLD WOMAN [turning and hobbling away]. See you again luvvy!
JONJON [looking bemused]. Thanks again. [The OLD WOMAN exits the car park. JONJON looks at his phone, then up at Rathfarnham Castle. He smiles.]. Surprised the battery's still going . . . sure, who'll I ring? [beginning to laugh. Looks to where OLD WOMAN, who he thought was gorgeous, exited.] Go on a mad one. [JONJON's laughter becomes crazed. He begins to dial a number on his mobile then stops . . .] Ah no, wrong number . . .


Kathy Ni X.... by John Austin
Persons in the Play B HIGGO JONJON 1st TAXI DRIVER 2nd TAXI DRIVER (all male) OLD WOMAN SEXY PHONE VOICE SEVERAL PASSERS BY (all female) Period The Present. Dublin, Ireland ACT ONE Scene 1: Outside Whelan's of Wexford Street Scene 2: 1st Taxi Scene 3: Up the road from Whelan's Scene 4: 2nd Taxi Scene 5: Car Park of Ballycullen Apartments ACT TWO B's apartment/flat ACT THREE Car Park of Rathfarnham Castle Act One Three men come steaming out of Whelan's of Wexford Street after a gig, wearing T-shirts, B's is sleeveless. They are sweating profusely and very drunk. The lads are in good humour, smiling broadly. Their clothes could be described as raggedy. They are from the suburbs of South Dublin. There is a sign above the entrance to Whelan's, one reads; "Tonight: Rhythm Blue Soul". Sc1 JONJON [slurring his words]. What a bleeding gig! Bleeding Interpol bleeding rock! [JONJON continues saying "bleeding, bleeding, bleeding" almost to himself while B and HIGGO make the call.] HIGGO [laughing]. Chipper! B [getting in on the fun]. chipper! Chipper! B and Higgo [in lyrical unison]. Chipper! Chipper! Chipper! JONJON [not minding too much]. Shazbot! What do yis want? B. Just chips. HIGGO. Battered sausage and chips. JONJON [shrugging]. Back in a few. [B and HIGGO spark up smokes. They look at each other and wink. Several female PASSERS BY, all dressed up to go dancing, pass by . . . some give the men looks of disgust, others think to themselves "I definitely would". Neither B nor HIGGO notice any kind of look. JONJON returns with three greasy bags and hands one to each of his friends]. JONJON [he's argumentative]. Grumpy feckin' chipper man. B [munching away]. Get a jo maxi bud. JONJON. And it cost a bleeding fortune. [HIGGO sighs and raises his hand]. [JONJON shrugs, laughs and starts "bleeding, bleeding, bleeding" again] Sc2 [JONJON is sitting in the front passenger seat while B and HIGGO are seated in the back. The lads start to eat their chipper] HIGGO. AHhhhhhh .. . . . . JONJON [opening his bag]. Cnoic liamha good man. TAXI DRIVER. You're not eating that in my car B. Yi wha'? TD. You're all locked, you'll make a mess of my car. HIGGO [grumling to B] We'll make a mess? B [sarcasticly to HIGGO]. We get the point, it's your car. JONJON. Fair enuf mate, knocklyon so. [B and HIGGO sit with their chipper in their laps and arms around the bags in an effort to keep the chipper warm but instead they start sweating again]. TD [smiling or laughing cruelly while turning the taxi around] You're food'll be freezing by the time we get there! JONJON. Ah they won't. They're all wrapped up together, in a bag, they'll be roasting. TD [Laughing louderly, yet crueller]. Yeah they will, frrrRReezing cold! JONJON [getting annoyed]. No. They won't. TD. [ bellows of mean laughter] Yeah. THEY WILL!!!! JONJON. Let me out of the car. TD [incredulous]. What?!? JONJON. I'm getting out. [JONJON gets out of the taxi and stands beside it]. B. Ah get back in the taxi, we'll be home in no time. TD [still bleeding laughing]. AND you're chips'll be freezing!! JONJON. No. I'll get another one . . . [The taxi speeds off up Camden Street]. Sc3 [JONJON stumbles around the street for a time. He takes some of his things out of his pockets and lays them down on a wall. He begins to rearrange himself, "fix" his pants. When he is set, he hails another taxi]. Sc4 JONJON [delighted] Howya mister?!?! Ballycullen please. SECOND TAXI DRIVER. Up by Firhouse? JONJON. That's it, is it cool if I eat my chips? SECOND TAXI DRIVER [looking apprehensive]. Work away . . . yea. JONJON. Ah you're sound Taxi man, most of 'em are whankers, man, I'm fucking sick of this place. Your man didn't think me capable of eating chips while sitting down. SECOND TAXI DRIVER. Eh . . . yea. Dickhead. JONJON [happily eating his chips] man, if I had the money, I'd leg it, if I could. Go this side of America or Spain or something, animal, cheaper, all that. Do you know what I mean? TAXI DRIVER [sincerely]. Ah, I do a bit. JONJON. The flags gone lime green and tangerine, man, do you know what I mean? SECOND TAXI DRIVER. Not really. JONJON [shrugging] Ah bhuel. SECOND TAXI DRIVER [sideways over his shoulder]. Green & Gold. JONJON. ODDANGE! SECOND TAXI DRIVER. Yea whatever. JONJON. Yea [tucking into his chipper and remaining silent for the rest of the journey apart from a few grunts]. Sc5 [Second taxi arrives at Ballycullen Apartments, they tower high. JONJON is stepping out of the taxi]. SECOND TAXI DRIVER. Ah that's far too much! JONJON [scrunching up an empty chipper bag].. Neigh bother, thanks for the chips! [The taxi turns and leaves the scene . . . JONJON searches his pockets calmly at first, but then he becomes frantic]. JONJON [he's had enough] outta here damn it. AH bollix, bollix, bollix, me bleeding phone! [JONJON runs towards the door, and presses the buzzer repeatedly, it makes a noisy electric bell sound]. B. Whoa, whoa, whoa, come through come through I have yi. JONJON [opening door] yea. Act Two B's apartment. HIGGO and B have their chipper on plates. They do not look too pleased with the meal. Music is playing and the TV is switched on but muted. JONJON [all panicked, still well tipsy]. Can I use your phone? I lost my mobile! B [messing with the accent]. ShoeR, ShoeHer don't yi need yer foean to spake ta peoples! HIGGO. And hear the craic what's going on! JONJON [picks up the house phone and dials his mobile number nervously] it's just ringing, ahh come on taxi man yi let me eat the chips! Ah mobile, HIGGO [ after swallowing a manky, cold chip he points his index finger in the air] Costly! AH! [JONJON looks at B and nods his head at HIGGO as if to say "I paid". A woman's voice answers JONJON's mobile. She has a "dead sexy voice". JONJON's posture changes immediately. He now seems relaxed. The woman's voice is louder than anything in the room, or the "theatre", and also JONJON's voice. B and HIGGO eat their chipper, drinking Dutch Gold while grimacing throughout the phone conversation]. JONJON. EH hello there, eh how's it going? LADY. GrrrRRand. And yourself? JONJON [smiling at the lads, who look at each other a bit amazed]. Fine, I was just wondering if there was any chance I could get my phone back off you some time? LADY [seductively]. Yes, no problem, I just found it laying on a wall and I heard it ringing, I was going to leave it . . . but then I felt I just had to pick it up! JONJON [smiling at the lads with a wink! And attempting to be coy down the phone] Ah you're too good, I'm from Cnoi . . ., knocklyon, umm, where or when could I meet you? LADY. Well that's convenient, I live in Rathfarnham, we could meet up tomorrow at the car park by Rathfarham Castle. Would that suit you? JONJON. Yea big time, what time say? LADY. Hmmm, about half one. I'll see you there, bye! JONJON [Cheerfully]. That's fine, talk to you then! B [on seeing the phone call end]. Well? JONJON. Some lady has it, she sounds about twenty five, [JONJON snaps his fingers], with a snow white smile. HIGGO. Not the taxi man? JONJON [beaming]. NOPE! HIGGO. Who's yer one? JONJON. Duno, didn't get her name, but she's local. I'm an eejit for doing that, but I'm gonna meet her tomorrow down Rathfarnham. B. Sounds good tho'? JONJON. Oh yea. [B and HIGGO nod their heads approvingly] JONJON [slapping his hands together] well boys, lets give them cans a good home. HIGGO [laughing]. Yea, wash down that chipper, ugh! B [menacingly]. That was a good move by you JONJON. JONJON [moving toward the fridge]. Telling yi! Act Three Carpark of Rathfarnham Castle. The Castle towers in the background of the scene. Several "old women", 65+, pass by constantly. JONJON is standing around scanning the area for a "young" woman. He appears fresh compared to last night and there is a spring in his step. The eldest, most wretched and haggard old woman yet approaches JONJON. She seems to think she is still some comely maiden, by her make-up and dress. But that was a while ago . . . OLD WOMAN [seductively?! But in a coarse, harsh voice now] Were, you looking for your phone luvvy? JONJON [surveying the OLD WOMAN up and down, recomposes himself. This is not what he was expecting]. JONJON [politely] Yea, was I talking to you last night, sorry if I was talking nonsense I was a bit drunk . . . OLD WOMAN [seductively!]. Not at all you were fine! . . . Young man JONJON [making it clear he has to leave now]. Yea, well thanks a million, I thought I'd never get it back. You've pretty much restored my faith in humanity. OLD WOMAN [nodding knowingly and handing JONJON his phone] Well you'll remember that! and want to come for a drink . . . ? Down the Yellow House. JONJON. Thanks very much for the phone, no thanks you for the drink, I mean thanks but no. OLD WOMAN [turning and hobbling away]. See you again luvvy! JONJON [looking bemused]. Thanks again. [The OLD WOMAN exits the car park. JONJON looks at his phone, then up at Rathfarnham Castle. He smiles.]. Surprised the battery's still going . . . sure, who'll I ring? [beginning to laugh. Looks to where OLD WOMAN, who he thought was gorgeous, exited.] Go on a mad one. [JONJON's laughter becomes crazed. He begins to dial a number on his mobile then stops . . .] Ah no, wrong number . . .