The Beer Hunter - by Dean Cameron Reynolds

The Beer Hunter
by Dean Cameron Reynolds

There are busy places in this world.

Places teeming with sophisticated techmonkeys in suits.

And then there are other places

Simple places inhabited by simple people with simple lives. This story is about a simple people on a simple island far away

On Unga-Dunga Island lived a simple people known as the Jeeleebeelees.
They were a small, primitive race and they lived in huts. They wore grass skirts and carried spears and they were led by a man called Big Chief Plip. They lived happy, carefree lives and there was never any trouble or strife.

Every morning Big Chief Plip herded them together to worship their 'god', the Almighty Floop. Their god had been washed ashore many years ago and the villagers had set him up in the middle of the village.
To them it was a mysterious all-powerful god, but to us techmonkeys it is just an old life preserver.

One morning Big Chief Plip awoke to hear lots of excited cheers. He ran outside and witnessed the blasphemous act.

The Jeeleebeelees were worshipping a new object!!!

A blasphemous shiny tube!!!, a false god with 'Budweiser' printed on the side!!!
Big Chief Plip was too furious to speak.
Old Poot the village elder ran up to him and started babbling, "It must have washed up last night, Chief. Everyone's worshipping it! They think it is a more modern and therefore socially acceptable god. It's really heavy and it sounds like it's full of liquid!"

The Jeeleebeelees were worshipping an unopened beer can.

Chief Plip let out a furious roar, grabbed his spear and ran to the worshippers.
"You Fools! This is a false god! Do not be fooled by flashy exteriors and fancy typefaces, this aluminium tube contains evil!"
The villagers shouted back at him, "That's utter gibberish, this is our new god, the Great Sozzle, the shiny futuristic god of tomorrow!"

Plip grabbed his spear and ran at the can shouting "Take this Evil Sozzle!" He speared the can and a brown liquid came gushing out. The liquid hit Plip in the face and he opened his mouth in shock.

He drank the brown blood of the Evil Sozzle.

The people stepped back in horror. Plip stood there drenched in beer, and it did not take long before the alcohol took effect.
As the shocked spectators watched, Big Chief Plip started to sway back and forth.
He then began to behave rather strangely.

He went "Hic".

He then looked down and said, "Whose legsare dese?"
Then he noticed the ladies, "Hey baby, you ish really nishe lookin'"
The women screamed and ran as Plip staggered after them, a crazed lustful glare in his eyes. Big Chief Plip showed he was not constrained by modern conservative ideas about dress codes when he tore off his grass skirt and chased the villagers around shouting, "Give ush a kish toets!"
He climbed up Almighty Floop and proceeded to urinate down on the village and after that he concluded his shocking and humiliating spectacle by falling down.

The villagers tied him to a palm tree before deciding what to do with him. It was Old Poot's job to tell him what they had decided.
Old Poot said, "Big Chief Plip you have attacked a god, exposed yourself in public, frightened women and children and urinated on our humble community.
For this threateningly immoral and unconformist behavior toward the psycho-societal fabric of our village, you must be punished. The tribe has decided that you must be banished to the desert island of Jit-Bit."

The desert island of Jit-Bit was not far from Unga-Dunga island. The villagers took down the Almighty Floop and set Plip adrift on it. He arrived on Jit-Bit island and went ashore and sat down. He was furious at how he had been treated. "It's not like I knew what I was doing, my mental faculties were not able to control my motor neuron tasks. I was out of control. But I'll get them somehow."
It was at this point that he noticed a metallic scraping sound coming from the shore. It was another unopened beer can!
"That's it I'll get them to try it and we'll see how threateningly immoral and unconformist their behavior is!"

Later that night Big Chief Plip drifted back to Unga-Dunga island with the beer can in tow. He quietly opened it and left cupfulls of the brown liquid around the village. What was left in the can he left in the centre of the village.
"Curiosity will get them to drink it then we'll see who's a 'humiliating spectacle'!"
He quietly hid behind a palm tree and went to sleep.

He awoke to the sounds of drunken shouting and peeked out to see what was going on.
The Jeeleebeelee village was in chaos. Everybody was drunk and disorderly, fighting, vomiting and drinking. Unfed children were crying and houses were messy. Pretty soon drunken violent villagers started ransacking and torching huts. Crazed drunks fought tooth and nail for the brown liquid while women stripped and prostituted themselves for mere drops. The villagers forsook their smouldering huts to live in trailers and they grew frightfully obese.
Plip looked in horror at what he had done. The island was a smoking devastated ruin, and the once happy villagers were crazed, violent, immoral, slobs.
Big Chief Plip knew what he had to do. He ran out and rolled the Evil False God Sozzle down the hill and into the sea. All the alcohol drained into the sea and the can sank.

The villagers all stopped and looked at Big Chief Plip.

"Woe unto all of us! Look around. The Jeeleebeelee civilisation has fallen! I am to blame. All our huts and palm trees are burned, all our women are emotionally and physically degraded, and all our children shocked and starving. I am sorry that I did this, I await punishment."

Old Poot stepped forward. "No we have all partaken of the False God Sozzle and we are all to blame. None of us withstood the temptation or passed the test. The shame and destruction was inevitable, since we were flawed from day one."

"We all did stupid and reprehensible things while under Evil Sozzles influence. Let us forgive each other and vow never to worship a false god ever again."

The people cheered and lifted and lifted Big Chief Plip up to shoulder height and carried him around. The Jeeleebeelees set about reconstructing their society, and the Almighty Floop was set up in the centre of the village again. Pretty soon everything was back to normal and they all lived happily ever after.

THE END

The next day a pornographic magazine washed ashore.


The Beer Hunter by Dean Cameron Reynolds
There are busy places in this world. Places teeming with sophisticated techmonkeys in suits. And then there are other places Simple places inhabited by simple people with simple lives. This story is about a simple people on a simple island far away On Unga-Dunga Island lived a simple people known as the Jeeleebeelees. They were a small, primitive race and they lived in huts. They wore grass skirts and carried spears and they were led by a man called Big Chief Plip. They lived happy, carefree lives and there was never any trouble or strife. Every morning Big Chief Plip herded them together to worship their 'god', the Almighty Floop. Their god had been washed ashore many years ago and the villagers had set him up in the middle of the village. To them it was a mysterious all-powerful god, but to us techmonkeys it is just an old life preserver. One morning Big Chief Plip awoke to hear lots of excited cheers. He ran outside and witnessed the blasphemous act. The Jeeleebeelees were worshipping a new object!!! A blasphemous shiny tube!!!, a false god with 'Budweiser' printed on the side!!! Big Chief Plip was too furious to speak. Old Poot the village elder ran up to him and started babbling, "It must have washed up last night, Chief. Everyone's worshipping it! They think it is a more modern and therefore socially acceptable god. It's really heavy and it sounds like it's full of liquid!" The Jeeleebeelees were worshipping an unopened beer can. Chief Plip let out a furious roar, grabbed his spear and ran to the worshippers. "You Fools! This is a false god! Do not be fooled by flashy exteriors and fancy typefaces, this aluminium tube contains evil!" The villagers shouted back at him, "That's utter gibberish, this is our new god, the Great Sozzle, the shiny futuristic god of tomorrow!" Plip grabbed his spear and ran at the can shouting "Take this Evil Sozzle!" He speared the can and a brown liquid came gushing out. The liquid hit Plip in the face and he opened his mouth in shock. He drank the brown blood of the Evil Sozzle. The people stepped back in horror. Plip stood there drenched in beer, and it did not take long before the alcohol took effect. As the shocked spectators watched, Big Chief Plip started to sway back and forth. He then began to behave rather strangely. He went "Hic". He then looked down and said, "Whose legsare dese?" Then he noticed the ladies, "Hey baby, you ish really nishe lookin'" The women screamed and ran as Plip staggered after them, a crazed lustful glare in his eyes. Big Chief Plip showed he was not constrained by modern conservative ideas about dress codes when he tore off his grass skirt and chased the villagers around shouting, "Give ush a kish toets!" He climbed up Almighty Floop and proceeded to urinate down on the village and after that he concluded his shocking and humiliating spectacle by falling down. The villagers tied him to a palm tree before deciding what to do with him. It was Old Poot's job to tell him what they had decided. Old Poot said, "Big Chief Plip you have attacked a god, exposed yourself in public, frightened women and children and urinated on our humble community. For this threateningly immoral and unconformist behavior toward the psycho-societal fabric of our village, you must be punished. The tribe has decided that you must be banished to the desert island of Jit-Bit." The desert island of Jit-Bit was not far from Unga-Dunga island. The villagers took down the Almighty Floop and set Plip adrift on it. He arrived on Jit-Bit island and went ashore and sat down. He was furious at how he had been treated. "It's not like I knew what I was doing, my mental faculties were not able to control my motor neuron tasks. I was out of control. But I'll get them somehow." It was at this point that he noticed a metallic scraping sound coming from the shore. It was another unopened beer can! "That's it I'll get them to try it and we'll see how threateningly immoral and unconformist their behavior is!" Later that night Big Chief Plip drifted back to Unga-Dunga island with the beer can in tow. He quietly opened it and left cupfulls of the brown liquid around the village. What was left in the can he left in the centre of the village. "Curiosity will get them to drink it then we'll see who's a 'humiliating spectacle'!" He quietly hid behind a palm tree and went to sleep. He awoke to the sounds of drunken shouting and peeked out to see what was going on. The Jeeleebeelee village was in chaos. Everybody was drunk and disorderly, fighting, vomiting and drinking. Unfed children were crying and houses were messy. Pretty soon drunken violent villagers started ransacking and torching huts. Crazed drunks fought tooth and nail for the brown liquid while women stripped and prostituted themselves for mere drops. The villagers forsook their smouldering huts to live in trailers and they grew frightfully obese. Plip looked in horror at what he had done. The island was a smoking devastated ruin, and the once happy villagers were crazed, violent, immoral, slobs. Big Chief Plip knew what he had to do. He ran out and rolled the Evil False God Sozzle down the hill and into the sea. All the alcohol drained into the sea and the can sank. The villagers all stopped and looked at Big Chief Plip. "Woe unto all of us! Look around. The Jeeleebeelee civilisation has fallen! I am to blame. All our huts and palm trees are burned, all our women are emotionally and physically degraded, and all our children shocked and starving. I am sorry that I did this, I await punishment." Old Poot stepped forward. "No we have all partaken of the False God Sozzle and we are all to blame. None of us withstood the temptation or passed the test. The shame and destruction was inevitable, since we were flawed from day one." "We all did stupid and reprehensible things while under Evil Sozzles influence. Let us forgive each other and vow never to worship a false god ever again." The people cheered and lifted and lifted Big Chief Plip up to shoulder height and carried him around. The Jeeleebeelees set about reconstructing their society, and the Almighty Floop was set up in the centre of the village again. Pretty soon everything was back to normal and they all lived happily ever after. THE END The next day a pornographic magazine washed ashore.