I wake without opening my eyes. I am simply too afraid to look around. I know that when I open my eyes and look beside me, there he will be. The past three years have been just a dream and I am about to have to go through it all over again. The lies, the deceit, the pain. I just can't do it again and if I can just stay asleep it won't happen.
That was how my morning began, but the dream
the night before had been worse. In the dream, when I wake, he is there and
so were my memories of the future before us. He couldn't understand my rage,
why I was so mad at him first thing in the morning and in a split second I made
up my mind to change it. To *not* feel all that again. I told him that day to
get the hell out, to take his shit and move out, to go live his life with another
girl. Instead of going to work at a daycare and waiting three years to get my
college career on track I signed up the next day. I made so many changes that
I thought for sure would be good.
But after a few months my dream world was not what I had hoped. By changing
those horrible moments, I erased all the wonderful events as well. I never met
the family that I would nanny for and love for two years. I didn't become a
part of my spiritual family. I didn't know *so* many people that were supposed
to have part of my life, so many things that made who I was special. As I changed
things, I began to forget those wonderful things and it hurt.
I cried but no matter how hard I cried, I couldn't make time reverse itself
again. I couldn't make the pain come back. That little bit of anguish that had
lead to so many terrific memories was gone and I was lost.
That was how I felt as I fought not to open my eyes. How was I going to make it through the hurt, so I could get to the good stuff? And that is when I realized I didn't want to . I didn't want to skip it - I needed to feel it and *be* it.
If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be me.