self

Recently, I visited moron's recording studio, where I sat down with moron and interviewed him about his thoughts on God, music, his ministry, and other topics.

Bob: Thank you for breaking away from your hectic production schedule to answer a few of our ...
moron: There's more than one of you?
Bob: ...questions. What really gets your goat?
moron: Shameless self-promotion.
Bob: Why is that?
moron: It's pride. It's covetousness. It's not being happy with who and how God made you. It's everything I hate about myself.
Bob: You shamelessly self-promote?
moron: I fight it, but it taints my ministry. Isaiah 64:6 says that even our righteous deeds are like filthy rags. That passage provides me some comfort, because it forces me to face the truth of what I am. Still it's not an excuse to cop out, give up, and give in.
Bob: Is it a problem within the Christian music industry?
moron: I'm not a part of the industry, so I wouldn't know. I don't know where any particular individual's heart is, so I can't judge. But I am tired of the $15 and $20 CD's. Can't we Christians be different? I'm tired of the aloof rock stars hiding behind sunglasses. I wonder about the honesty of someone who, at a critical moment, draws a dark curtain across the windows of his soul. Is the Christian musician performing merely for performance's sake, or should he/she take advantage of the opportunity to feed the flock?
Bob: Let's go a different direction. What is your obsession with death?
moron: What is your obsession with nickels?
Bob: Who's interviewing who here? Besides, I asked you first. I'm asking because your 2001 release is entitled Dinner With Polonius. I believe that is a metaphor for death. And I've listened to a few of the songs on the CD, like "When I'm Dead" and "Croak and Soak."
moron: Actually, it's entitled dinner with polonius.
Bob: That's what I said!
moron: No, you pronounced the first letter of each word a little too tall.
Bob: You can hear capital letters?!
moron: YES I CAN.
Bob: Oh, I see--correction, I hear what you mean.
moron: Anyway, the album title is a metaphor for death. Let me explain for your readership. In Shakespeare's play Hamlet, Claudius murders the king (his own brother and Hamlet's uncle); marries his dead brother's widow, the queen; and becomes king.
Bob: I think Shakespeare ripped off a Jerry Springer episode.
moron: Could be. There has been some dispute among scholars as to the authorship of some or all of the works traditionally attributed to Shakespeare. Maybe Springer did write Romeo and Juliet.
Bob: Hey, you moron, I was just joking. Springer was born much too late to be a possible candidate as an author of Shakespeare's work. Maybe you should form a group of like-minded individuals and produce these nonsensical theories about ...
moron: Great idea! I see where you're going. We'll call ourselves the Shakespeare Seminar. Like another group of similar name...
Bob: The Jesus Seminar?
moron: Yep, we could make as a central platform of our constitution that historical accuracy must be carefully avoided.
Bob: Back to Claudius.
moron: Ah, Claudius. I, Claudius.
Bob: Huh?
moron: Hamlet's dead father, as a ghost, visits Hamlet. He tells Hamlet to avenge him, and in one particular scene, Hamlet sees someone moving behind a tapestry. Thinking it is Claudius, Hamlet thrusts his sword through the tapestry, killing the hapless Polonius behind it. Later, when the court officials and others interrogate Hamlet about Polonius' whereabouts, Hamlet responds that Polonius is at dinner--not where he is eating, but where he is being eaten...by worms. You can find this passage in Act IV, Scene III....And to be honest, Hamlet actually says that Polonius is at "supper", not at "dinner".
Bob: What's the difference?
moron: Not much--perhaps the number of croutons apportioned to their respective salad courses. But "dinner" and "supper" are both consonant-vowel-double consonant-e-r words. Anyway, "supper with polonius" just doesn't have the same ring to it that . . .
Bob: . . . a dinner bell has?
moron: That was weak.
Bob: Anyway, that explains the CD title. But why that particular subject?
moron: There is only one thing in life that is guaranteed...for everybody: death. It's a sure bet. It's a sure bet about which no one has been able to recount the experiences of firsthand.
Bob: Except Christ.
moron: He did experience it, and return from death, but He didn't say a whole lot about His own experience with it, as far as I know. And those of us who have put our faith in Jesus are guaranteed one other thing: death is not to be feared. Death is the greatest fear and anxiety for billions of people; those of us who claim Christ's victory over death have been released from that fear. It's not a mental trick; it's an actual freedom: physical, spiritual, emotional. Plus, death is the threshhold over which one passes into the presence of Christ. This is not my home here. As it says in Hebrews, I am ready for that city that is coming.
Bob: You're not suicidal, are you?
moron: There's too much to enjoy in this life--or that I hope to enjoy: family, friends, nature, and His gift of music, such as it is, to me. "For me to live is Christ; for me to die is gain."
Bob: But there's a lot of pain in this life--I've known more than I could ever have anticipated.
moron: You assumed it was going to be easy--at least relatively easy. But that's why dying is gain, or improvement, for the Christian. However, the life God gave me is a gift, and living is Christ. In other words, my life is to be an imitation of Christ's life when He was on the earth. He had His ups and downs. Larry Norman said, "You can't keep a Good Man down."...Now tell me about the nickels.
Bob: I collect old coins, and I have been amassing 1964 nickels since I was young.
moron: Why 1964?
Bob: Strangely, I have noticed, there has seemed to be a glut of 1964 nickels. Try this statistical experiment for yourself. Buy a couple of rolls of nickels, and see if there isn't an unusually high occurrence of 1964 nickels. If I'm right, then send me those 64's. I'm trying to corner the market.
moron: How many do you have?
Bob: At last count: 81. I'm shooting for a hundred.
moron: That's a lot. I guess that makes you a Nickel-O.D.-ian. Anyway, what will you do when you get a hundred nickels?
Bob: Trade them in for a 5-dollar bill, of course. MAIN MENU