I sit here alone staring at the distant horizon, watching as the last bit of daylight fades into darkness. I have always felt more at peace in the enveloping darkness of the night. my eyes open just a little bit wider as the sun sets and its light is devoured by some unseen force just over the horizon. the daylight has always overwhelmed my senses and washed out my thoughts like an over exposed strip of film. at night my vision is a little sharper, my thoughts a little clearer.
on this night my thoughts take me back almost 10 years, to the last time you brought such an overwhelmingly helpless sense of pain into my life. and tonight I feel it all over again like I was right back there. the deep nagging emptiness in the pit of my stomach that just won?t go away. maybe its because you have gone and done it again. . .
I remember vividly how it felt every time before. every emotion, the sadness, the fear and the concern. I felt it every time I came home to find your cold, limp, lifeless body on the floor with a bottle of pills in your hand. the confusion of coming to the stale smelling brightly lit mental ward to see you drugged up and tied to a bed with deep fresh cuts and burns in your arms and legs. the pity I felt in seeing you not be able to recognize me, your own son, after electroshock therapy. the hurt, pain, and sense of betrayal I felt on every visit when you would tell me and my sister how much you loved us and would never do anything to hurt us, just to be turned away the next day because you had tried to kill your self again. . .
I think it hurts the most to know that you never thought about me and Jessica, and what you were putting us through. you never gave a second thought to the two people who cared about you the most. the two people who give you a damn good fucking good reason to stay alive. but it was never about us back then, and its not about us now. its always been about you. I guess what they say is true, the apple does not fall far from the tree. you truly are your mothers daughter. . .
remembering a time long since past was the closest I had ever wanted to come to reliving all these events and emotions again. and while I am deeply saddened to hear about your current state I cant help but to breathe a little sigh of relief knowing that I am separated from the situation by six states and nine hundred miles. I am distanced from the constant pain of watching your continual self destruction. my calls and letters will be few and far between. there will be no rush home for me to visit, and while I would be greatly saddened if you should succeed in your current efforts to end your life without me being able to say a final goodbye, I would rater be able to remember you for who you were during all of the good times.
while I may not entirely understand or agree with your most recent decisions I want you to know that I truly love you with all of my heart. remember that always. you have been the best mother I could have ever wished for and I would tear the stars from the sky if I knew there was something up there that would give you even the slightest glimpse of happiness.
love always,
your son.