there is a constant and unpleasant heat in missouri. for a week the mercury has not dropped below 97. it is a constant nagging reminder that i have returned to my own personal hell. the breeze here carries no relief from the scorching heat. it is like standing too close to a fire, with your skin burning and eyes squinched against the heat. the only salvation from it is to retreat indoors, behind closed windows and doors with blinds drawn. the problem with being inside for a person such as my self is that there is little to occupy my mind. so it wanders.
my thoughts are separated by a thousand miles of ocean. they are a circus. they are random and incoherent from one moment to the next. most of my thought are lost, they grow old and die before my mind has even realized they were born at all. this leaves me sitting, staring blankly into space for extended periods of time. it is a waste of time. it is a waste of life itself.
i had my first chemistry class today. i was the last one to arrive in a crowded classroom of 48 students. i found it odd that the only seat left was one in the back row, the only seat in the room with a view out of the window. class started with the usual first day blather. handouts outlining good study habits, grading systems, attendance policies, and other nonsensical matters. these topics only need to be explained to the few idiots in the room, who can always be easily identified. they are the students who feel the need to raise their hands and ask for clarification on some common sense matter, that is already spelled out in plain english on a sheet of paper which they hold in their hands.
after wasting a half an hour of my life my attention wandered out the window. i stared blankly at the black locust tree outside while vaguely catching random bits of information. soon, all sounds from the room faded away, and i was all alone. eventually a humming bird came into view and perched on a branch in the tree, its head moving in fast jerky motions as it took in all of its surroundings. it did not rest for long, something caught its eye and it darted out of the tree. i?m not positive but i believe it was me that caught its attention because the small bird flew to the window, directly in front of my face and hovered, for nearly 5 minutes. besides its wings it was motionless in the air, as if it were a small glass bird dangled from an unseen string.
my mind does strange things, its unsettling to me how much i know about hummingbirds. i know that in the wild they have an average lifespan of only one year. i know they weigh about as much as a nickel. i know that in flight their tiny overworked hearts beat up to 1200 beats per minute and their wings beat between 60 and 80 times per second. all of this is information i have no recollection of ever formally learning, yet i know it is right.
class came to an end with me still staring out of the window, and the humming bird had taken its leave without me ever noticing. i left class with a vague recollection of hearing something about molar mass calculations. some people might be worried about missing half a class of information but i am not. whether i was consciously listening to the material or not, i grantee it is now in my brain, waiting to come out when i least expect it.