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| im a relatively respectable citizen. mulitple felon perhaps, but certainly not dangerous. | ||||||||
| I have been called many things in the past. degenerate, drunk, thief, addict, criminal, asshole, eccentric. if I was forced to pick two that most accurately described myself I think I would chose the term "eccentric degenerate" that way it sort of covers all of the bases. surely, I have been known at times to be a drunk, thinking nothing of putting away 20 or 30 drinks in a night. blacking out and waking up in some strange place still half drunk with barely enough sense left in me to make it to the door and stumble back out into the civilized world. but drunk only describes me at times, in small spurts. its not every day that I wake up with the deep fear that comes with a serious blackout. not knowing what might have occurred for time periods ranging from 6 to 36 hours. it's a serious fear that grips you at that point and I try not to repeat it often. I am surely a thief also, but again, only in small doses. well, not small in the sense that you come to find 25,000 dollars in your pocket that is not yours. but small in the sense that there are large periods of time between offenses. addict I can admit to also. I smoke more than a pack a day, that accounts for it right there. but then there are the drugs. I cant say that I have ever been addicted to a single drug. now long paranoid sleep deprived battles with cocaine. no dark secret agonizing fights with heroin. but I can say that I have in the past been addicted to drugs as a whole, or at least addicted to an escape from reality. wether it is an escape from the dullness, pain, fear or regret, it does not matter. I never thought twice about putting 6 or 8 hits of acid in my system. never second guessed eating a bag of shrooms, smoking pot or hash or opium. putting ecstacy, ketamine, or cocaine up my nose. never turned down some good ether or mescaline or gel tabs. im a criminal for sure, its been proven in court, so I figure it must be true. but that comes and goes as well. you cant really argue with 4 misdemeanor and 2 felony charges within 10 years. not to mention countless other serious confrontations with law enforcement that never brought about charges due to lack of evidence or just plain luck on my part. and thats just the list of things I was caught doing. so I think eccentric degenerate fits me well. I am eccentric because I am degenerate. I am degenerate because I am eccentric. and while lately I can control my self and abstain from drugs and criminal activity the motivation for it all is still buried deep within me. I wonder if other people are the same way. I have never given a second thought to any of my actions. I have always just done what came naturally to me. it's a heavy burden to live life and constantly have to suppress that which is you. while eccentric is a label I am willing to apply to my self, degenerate is a label I feel has been forced upon me. my actions, my person, is only degenerate in the eyes of those who have decided it is their job to tell me that smoking pot is a "degenerate" activity. those who have decided it is their job to ensure my safety. thank god they are there, because if they were not, who knows, we all might have a little fun. . . sp�ter. . . |
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