Tonight was my nieces first communion, and for some reason that meant I had to step foot into church for the first time in more than 10 years. Well, I guess that's not exactly true. I did go to my sisters wedding in a church a few years ago, but there was no church service and no godly preaching. The whole ordeal started out badly. My youngest niece screamed and cried the whole way there at the top of her lungs and I was quite annoyed and I felt a full-blown migraine sneaking out of the back of my skull. It was a long ride there and we were running late so the cigarette I planned to smoke before going inside was out of the question and I was rushed through the door in a manic frenzy. I was full of apprehension the whole way there and tension mounted as I approached the door and crossed the threshold. I was fully expecting to burst into flames, or for the wrath of god to strike me down in the form of a silver lightning bolt from the heavens. But nothing spectacular happened at all. Quite dull and disappointing. My first thought as I entered the church was to stick my finger in the holy water to see if it would come to a rolling boil like Al Paccino in the Devils Advocate. I decided that would be a bad idea, since if it did not boil the whole act would look strange and I might have to end up explaining my self to the cult. We filed in and took our seats and I sat there and thought about how I looked to be more respectable of a person than half of the god-fearing Christians in the building, despite the fact that I was slightly intoxicated and had a pocket full of pot. I had just found and loaded onto my camera a new video on the internet starring my favorite porn star, and I figured if things got too boring I could always sneak out the back and light up a smoke and watch some porn to pass the time. Fortunately the service was short and no pornography was needed. Hymns were sung, very poorly. A cotton head played the organ. A nervous man from the crowd stumbled through a gospel reading. All in all it was just like the 10,000 or so church services I was forced to attend in my younger years. Then the head honcho finally got off his fat ass and gave the sermon. It was short, thank god. I was amazed by how much bullshit could be spewed fourth in such a short amount of time. The man said his sermons usually focused on a phrase spoken by Jesus in the bible, but tonight was a special night and his sermon was going to focus on one of the most important words Jesus ever spoke. What could it be? I thought. This amazing word from the lips of Jesus . . . will it enlighten me? Might this glorious word make me see the error in my ways and set my life on a path of brotherly love and righteousness? "And that word" he said, giving a long dramatic pause keeping the entire congregation on the edge of their seats. "come on man" I yelled in my mind "tell us of this almighty word of which you have spoken" "and that word" he repeated "is IS" I was shocked. I was amazed. I had a new purpose in life. And it was to kick this guy in the nuts. I had a feeling from the start that the sermon could only go down hill from this point but what I didn't know was how steep the hill was or how far down it would go. It turns out it was a windy snow-covered mountain road that dropped more than 3000 feet in a little over a mile in a fast car with bad brakes. And at the bottom were only my death and a path leading straight to hell.
At the last supper, the night before Jesus was betrayed, arrested, and killed he shared a meal with his closest followers in a small room where he offered them unleavened bread and wine. Jesus said something to the effect of here guys, take this (wine) to drink, it IS my blood. And here take this (bread) to eat, it IS my body. Now I have to say, I spent the first 15 years of my life as a good Christian boy who went to church every Sunday, I was confirmed, I took communion, and went to a Lutheran school from preschool through 8th grade, and nobody in my church was actually stupid enough to think that every word in the bible was meant to be taken literally. But this jack ass grew up in the bible belt, so I suppose you can't blame him. He told the children in front of him that there was no way that anything in the bible is meant to be symbolic. That what he was about to feed them was most definitely the actual blood and body of Jesus Christ. Apparently, through some harry potter style magic, the 9-dollar bottle of jug wine that the church bought was transformed into blood, and the little bread wafer wasn't actually bread, it was human flesh. Now I have to say, taking this shit literally is a little ridiculous. I have taken communion hundreds of times in my life and either my taste buds are way off or Jesus was actually an alcoholic dough boy. I have to congratulate the man on being thoroughly nuts, and I couldn't think of a better way to pick up new recruits. With that said I am sure I have sealed my place in hell. I will surely burn for my sins and my outrageous rants against the almighty Christian god and his highly intelligent followers in Warrenton Missouri. But at least I will have good company down there, I can't wait to see you there.
Sincerely; Brian W. Scott